A Cell of a Good Time
by Beastrider9
Summary: When you wake up in an unfamiliar world as a giant green bug man it is always important to remember the cardinal rule of Superheroics. With Great Power come Great Entertainment value.
1. A Cell of a Good Time

**A Cell of a Good Time**

You know. It isn't often you wake up somewhere unrecognizable from where you went to sleep. At least I assume it is not where I want to sleep. Hard to tell cause it's really dark in here. Also wet, like I'm in a big water balloon. Only... Not water. You can't breathe water unless you're a fish. God I hope I'm not a fish. Oh, some light... Kinda. Whatever these walls are that is holding this water not-water is brown and full of veins. I can make out light coming through, and I see shadows moving on the other side.

"What the hell are you supposed to be." Said some gruff unrecognizable voice.

Is this guy talking about me. I feel like he's talking about me. So... Cocoon huh. Well that raises a lot of questions... Oh also WHY IS MY ARM GREEN! I didn't really notice at first, but with that little bit of light coming through I can tell that my arm is green. Actually... There is something vaguely familiar about this arm. Like I've seen it before. My arm is covered in an emerald green and lime green exoskeleton with these little irregularly shaped black spots. Also claws. Observing more of my alien form. I can make out five fingers on each hand and three toes on each foot.

Oh... Hi there Mr. Tail. Ok. So there is a tail coming out of my back. Not my pelvis.

...

Wait.

I have a Theory.

It's a bit awkward moving my arm to my head, but as soon as my hand make contact with the horns I know exactly what, or rather who I am.

Holy shit I'm Cell.

Dragon Ball Z Cell.

Imperfect Cell to be precise. No lips. That's gonna be awkward to deal with. I'm guessing I'm stuck in a cocoon or I'm in some kinda exoskeleton I'm shedding from. Kinda weird mister gruff out there hasn't done anything about the blatant bug monster yet, then again Dragonball had dragons, dinosaurs, aliens, demons, and talking animals all over the goddamn place. Maybe this is just another Tuesday.

So whatever.

I can hear the sound of creaking as I struggled to pop out of this damn thing. It's surprisingly durable, but this slit in the back is making it a bit easier. The breathable liquid, which I know now is some kinda amniotic fluid, spills to the floor, pooling around as my Wings are the first thing to make it out. Are those wings? I think it's just a shell to protect wings. Like the kind you see on beetles. Either way my tail comes out next. Cold out there that's for sure. I start rising, head, torso, arms... You know, the essentials. Standing straight up I leap until I'm standing straight on top of the cocoon. Everything is blurry, but I was never one to let opportunity pass me by.

"Mazel tov, Its a boy!"

"What. The. Actual. Fuck... Are you supposed to be."

Through my blurry vision, I can barely make out shapes in front of me. Hard to tell who it is but that was second in my mind. For some reason, something else took my attention...

"Why the hell do I sound like Plankton with a head cold?"

"No that was a serious question, what the hell are you?"

"Name's Cell. Hey quick question, do I kinda sound like a sick Plankton from Spongebob to you?"

"Well... Now that you mention it."

My vision begins to clear, and what I see before me. Oh God The Smell... Just. Why? Oh God I'm in a sewer! Also, Hi Crocodile Man. Can't recall any crocodile people in DBZ. Then again, this is the universe with the talking pig.

"You have me at a disadvantage here."

The crocodile man eyed me cautiously, before crossing his arms.

"Call me Killer Croc."

...

has crashed.

Rebooting.

Reboot complete.

How in the name of all things sane does that make any sense at all. What, was being fricken Cell not stupid enough, I couldn't even be in DBZ. I guess that would just make too much sense. I guess I can't blame anyone but myself, I mean I'm only just fucking Cell, why Would I be in DBZ. So... DC universe. Doesn't exactly narrow down where I am all that much. I mean... How many DC continuities are there... Like a few hundred. Probably can rule out the Super Friends... Probably Adam West Batman to... Which really is a shame... The camp alone would have been worth the price of admission.

Whatever. I woke up as Cell, in DC universe for some reason, I have a lot of questions, but I have the strangest feeling I won't get any satisfactory answers beyond, just because. In that case I ain't losing any sleep over it, might as well make the best of it.

"So... Killer Croc eh." I said as I fully emerged from my cocoon... shed skin... Thingy.

"That's what I said. So, why are you on my turf?"

"Can't say for sure to be honest with ya. Metamorphosis apparently."

Croc hissed a bit. Didn't sound like a threatening hiss. I think it's like how some people hum in confusion or acknowledgment. Only he probably doesn't have the right vocals to hum.

"Normally, anyone else I find down here would have been eaten by now. What are you supposed to be anyway? An alien?"

"Kinda. Genetic Bio-weapon made with the DNA from Humans, Space Monkeys, Demonic Alien Slugs, and... Umm... alien space Nazis who seem to have a fetish for naming themselves after refrigerators."

Croc nodded.

"Mad Science experiment gone horribly wrong. Got it."

" I'd like to think it went Horribly right."

Croc hissed out... Barked out... Croc whatever outed a laugh.

"You obviously haven't looked in a mirror yet."

"Hi Pot, I'm Kettle, you're black."

"Bitch I'm beautiful."

Eh, I'm the wrong character for this quote, but fuck it.

"Bitch, I'm adorable."

Cros smiled. I did not like seeing Crocs smile.

"You're alright."

Croc stalked over to the side as he took a seat next to a pile of people bones.

"You can stay for as long as you need, just don't get in my way, and we'll be the best of friends. Got it."

I waved the crocodile man ofd.

"Clear as Crystal."

With that out of the way...

Huh, just realized I don't really have anything to do at the moment. Hmmm, decisions, decisions.

I'm currently Imperfect Cell stuck in the DC universe. This is a chance at a clean slate. U could do anything I wanted really. So long as no Superman tier dudes are around I should be alright, if not I have OP Namekian regeneration. As far as I could tell I'm stuck here, so might as well make the best of it.

Should I be a superhero?

... Nah, this is DC. They're covered with superheroes.

Maybe a supervillain...

...no, sounds just as bad an idea. It doesn't really ever end well for Supervillains in Comic Books.

What to do, what to do?

I sat on the cold wet floor legs and arms crossed, six feet away from a cannibalistic crocodile man eating someones arm.

Interesting first day I suppose. Though... Is it cannibalism? I think it could go either way.

I don't think this is the DCEU, Croc didn't have a tail in Suicide Squad.

"Hey Croc, we're in Gotham right?"

"Last time I checked."

"I'm gonna go up top."

"What? Really? But... It's Noon."

"Oh good, then the Library should still be open. Gonna go do some research. Catch ya later Croc."

And with that I was moving on up. 

* * *

This really is amusing. Sure, I made a scene, not intentionally mind you, but still. Scenes were made. Apparently my lovely visage is so amazingly striking, people just randomly run in terror.

Get on my level Ke$ha, The party always stops when I walk in. Even you couldn't start it up again.

Still, I need someone's help, no idea where the Library is, and I'm gonna need internet to figure it out. Most people are far to busy avoiding me or shuffling off or screaming in terror to answer my question...

Oh sleeping homeless guy, score.

Crouching down I grab the guys shoulders and shake him awake.

"Wakey wakey."

"Huh. What. Who... WHAT THE HELL!"

The guy stares at me in fear, and tries to crawl away from me. It was at this time I learned something new about Cell. As the guy moved away closer to the wall, I stayed exactly where I was, but my arms went along for a ride. Cool, I have stretchy arms. I guess that makes sense, Namekians could do that when the animation budget could afford it. As awesome as I found this new discovery, Mr. Homeless found this discovery to be utterly terrifying. Again with the screaming. After letting go of the guy, my arms return to their normal length. As interesting as that all was, it didn't really last all that long. Not a few seconds later, I was surrounded by flashing lights and the long arm of the law.

"Ummm..."

Before I even had a chance to say anything, shit got loud.

"WHO OR WHATEVER YOU ARE STAND DOWN NOW!"

"OW MY EAR HOLES!" I scream as I cover the aforementioned ear holes.

I mean really is the megaphone really necessary...I mean I wasn't doing anything. At least, nothing but looking like a scary bug man. Not the best situation to be in, that said I suppose this is a preemptive strike against alien insanity or something.

"On what charges!"

I don't think they expected that. Even through the lights I could see the cops exchanging looks.

Whoever it was with the megaphone seemed confused about what to say. I guess this is usually the part where the monster starts tossing cars. Well happy to disappoint.

"OW NOISE!"

Stupid Namekian super hearing.

"YOU ARE UNDER FOR PUBLIC NUDITY!"

...

"BUT... BUT I DON'T EVEN HAVE JUNK!"

"NUDITY IS STILL NUDITY!"

I have discovered my arch nemesis, and his name is megaphone. That said... I can't argue with that logic, I mean I technically am naked. Normally I guess this is where I run off, but screw that noise. Lets see how far they're willing to take this. Much potential LULZ this way.

"Well shit, ya got me coppers. You have put an end to the reign of terror caused by the great and powerful Emerald Streaker!" I say as I raise my hands.

Nothing happens for a moment. Just me surrounded by cops. Arms in the air like an asshole. Then, one of the pigs cautiously walks towards me, hand on his grip. I watch him approach and don't move a muscle. He pulls out a pair of cuffs. Looking at them, then back to me, and back at the cuffs, and back to me. Sadly your cuffs are not me but if you used Illegal Genetic Experimentation...

"Um, please put your arms out... Uh... Sir?"

"Sir is fine." I say as I present my arms.

By the look on his face, I can already tell this is gonna be a fun day. 

* * *

"Look, it's not a complicated question, are you an alien or not."

"I ain't tellin you shit, I want my lawyer?"

"This is getting us nowhere, all we need to know is if you are an alien, you aren't in the system. So either you're a new species alien or a new meta."

"Oh, why didn't you say so, well to answer your question I want a lawyer."

With a rage filled groan, detective Harvey Bullock walked out of the interrogation room.

Suck it asshole, that's for giving Commissioner Gordon a heart attack... Assuming that happened here. Actually given that nature of comic book reboots, he could be anything from a gruff and abrasive detective with a heart of gold to a gruff and abrasive detective with a heart of doughnuts. Sometimes crooked, most times loyal. Doesn't matter really, I know my rights. Still, arrested for public nudity is probably something new for them. Might have to fix that in the future. I wonder how many officers are on the other side of that two way mirror? 

* * *

"Nothing matches in the database, no known aliens or metahumans. He complied with officers, and asking for a lawyer is within his rights. All in all probably the most pleasant I've ever seen a... Whatever he is." Said Gordon as he watched the Bug Man drum his fingers on the desk.

"My money's on alien." Said Harvey Bullock as he put a cigar to his mouth.

Gordon looked to him before he could light it with a raised brow. Harvey sighed.

"I miss the good old days." Said Harvey longingly as he put the cigar back in His coat.

"Regardless, assuming alien, then other than point him to the official offices, we really can't do much."

"Think NASA might be willing to deport him into orbit?"

"Pretty sure that's murder Harvey."

With a sigh Harvey nodded.

"So... I guess we wait for a lawyer to get here?"

"Pretty much, c'mon, let's get a cup. Something tells me today is gonna be one of those days." 

* * *

"Amnesia is fairly common these days, so we have a system in place to deal with it. Sorry you had to spend the night in a jail cell. Now, I'm not saying you'll get citizenship, but you'll be on the record, other than that, you should all be set. I can drive you to the office if you want."

As far as lawyers go, this guy was alright. I'm guessing I'm not the weirdest thing he's ever had to deal with.

"Thanks Mr. Simmons, I would appreciate it."

"No, my pleasure."

I followed Simmons to his car. It was a pleasant experience.

"I'm kinda surprised you aren't running for the hills."

"Son, I live in Gotham, I represented way worse than you. There was this meta-human kid, looked like a shaved bear with scales. Arrested for grand theft. Not important really."

"I see, so after the whole identity thing, you wouldn't happen to know a way a guy could get some cash huh?"

"It's easier for a meta, not many take it, but I know S.T.A.R. Labs pays metas to be glorified lab rats. Other than that, nah, no idea on such short time. I'm sure someone would be interested."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"You do that kid, here let me get the door for you. Watch your wings."

+++

Simmons, I decided, was one of the good ones. I walked in, and not two... Fucking... Hours later, I'm all set. Two hours probably doesn't sound like a lot, and I think they were rushing me, but still... Like DMV levels of boredom.

My Legal Name is now Cell Genome McSplice III.

Because why not. Can't even remember my old name anyway. Might as well have some fun with it. It was getting late, already dark by the time I got out. So... Where is S.T.A.R. Labs? Looking at the street aaaaand I have no idea where I am... Also... Kinda hard to keep identification without pants and their pockets to put them in... Maybe nudity really is the problem. Alright, pick a direction and walk I suppose. S.T.A.R. Labs kinda sounds familiar actually... Not sure why.

First things first. Make money, then. Get pants.

You know... It's currently night, and I'm in Gotham city... I wonder is Batman is watching me. Oh, who an I kidding, of course he is. Not like I'm trying to hide any way.

"Jaysus H. Christ!"

Aaaaand five seconds. New record for fastest freak out ever.

I look to the random civilian who was running like he saw... Well I suppose it's understandable.

"THATS RUDE YA KNOW!" I scream after the man... Wait did he just toss a joint?

"It wasn't you he was running from."

Oh that buttery smooth voice and chill running up my... Assuming I have one, Spine could only mean one thing.

Turning around, I see the Dark Knight himself staring at me... Must. Not. Squee.

"Ummmm... Hi."

Objective No Squee Status: Complete

Batman says nothing as he observes me for a moment with a nod.

I turn around to watch the rapidly retreating guy.

"So, you gonna chase that guy?"

"No."

I guess some guy with a joint is below his pay grade. Fair enough.

"Ominous. Anyway, love the costume but I'm afraid I gotta jet, you wouldn't happen to know where S.T.A.R. Labs is would you? I heard they pay."

Batman observed me cautiously. All in all... I may be a giant bug man, but damn if this guy doesn't leave an impression.

"Head down three blocks before taking a left. Keep walking until you find a university. You'll know when you get there."

"Alright thanks man."

And I just walked away... Like a boss.

I mean sure I could still feel the glare and all, and the atmosphere got dark, but I was not going to turn around.

I will not be dragged into super heroics thank you very much. After all, with great power comes great entertainment potential.

...

There is a hand on my shoulder.

Turning around, and Oh hai Batman, howz your sex life.

"What?"

"I will be watching you very carefully."

If I had an ass I probably would have shit myself by now... That said, I probably should have expected such a greeting from the most paranoid man in the world of Detective Comics… Actually I think The Question might be a bit more paranoid than Batman, but Batman is a very close second. Oh wait… I just remember something... I'm fucking Cell.

"It's because I'm green isn't it?"

Batman is not amused. At least if his narrowed eyes are anything to go by. Thankfully he lets go. I sigh a bit in relief before Batman pulls his vanishing act via Grappling hook. Wow, that was fast... How the hell doesn't he get whiplash from that?

Questions for another day I suppose. Next stop, S.T.A.R. Labs. 

* * *

Young Justice, that's where I am. I mean I'm pretty sure. Like 85% sure. This newspaper reads 2010, I'm fairly certain that makes this Young Justice. Guess that means Martians are a thing. I didn't really watch much of the show, maybe two or three episodes at most. Still, at least I know where I am. Also add littering to my nefarious crimes because I don't need this Newspaper anymore.

My evil knows no bounds.

Moving on, I gotta admit, Batman was right, I really couldn't miss it.

"Scientific and Technological Advanced Research Labs, not bad, but its no Special Tactics and Rescue Service. When the zombies get here, I know who I'm trusting."

Walking up to the door I gave it a nice firm series of knocks. Shave and a haircut style of course. It really didn't take all that much time for someone to check back. Though whoever they were, were obviously cranky.

"We're closed to the public at the moment come back l..."

Oh, good he saw me.

"Hi, I hear you guys do the science and pay for it. I'm here for my check. I need to buy pants."

Whoever this guy was, just kinda stared at me. Not a 'Oh god someone kill the monster' state, more like your general state of bafflement and confusion.

"Come on in Mr..."

"Cell call me Cell."

The inside of the place was nice, advanced technology all over the place on top of the people doing, in technical terms, science to the science stuff. I passed my escort up as I thrust my new I.D. into his hands to observe my new surroundings. It looked like a nice place to get poked and prodded.

"Your... Actual name is Cell Genome McSplice the Third?"

"Yeah, did you know there are no rules for names. I couldn't resist."

"Well Mr... McSplice..."

"Please, call me Cell."

"Right, Cell. My name is Dr. Samuel Harding, Um, you do know what we do here right?"

I shrug.

"Vaguely, I understand its science and I was told I get paid. How much by the way?"

Harding shrugged lightly.

"That depends entirely on your... Unique circumstance. Though minimum you are guaranteed a thousand."

"Bitchin' when do we start Doc?"

"Well, this is after hours, but I think I can start with a physical. I wasn't leaving anytime soon anyway."

"And then money right?"

"I'm sorry, but that isn't up to me."

"But I need pants."

I could already tell this was going to be fun by Sammy's facial expression. There was something there, and he seemed to consider it.

"Normally, subjects aren't paid until testing is completed, but you are without a doubt something unique. I'll talk to someone, but you're going to have to take the physical first. Sounds good?"

With that I simply nodded. 

* * *

Time really does fly when you're being stabbed with needles. Lucky me, Sammy found something so interesting that I got my money in record time, not all of it, but I did get my guaranteed grand. So that was why I was currently here. Getting my measurements from a guy who obviously was waiting for me to eat him. Which now that I think about it, I could totally do if it so interested me.

With clammy hands he measured my shoulders before I lifted my arms up. Sure I could have gotten any pair of jeans, but where was the fun in that.

Besides, I was actually arrested for public nudity, can't let that happen again.

"So how long does it usually take for a custom fit?"

The man gulped nervously.

"Yes... Well normally after measurements you can expect a basted fitting within the first 1-2 weeks, then return for a final fitting and slight adjustments 1-2 weeks after that. Overall, 2-4 weeks. And... You do intend to pay right?" He asked with a nervous tic.

"Yeah, I have a grand for ya now, the rest for after S.T.A.R. Labs pays me. How much is this going to run me anyway?"

"Your unique body shape is going to give some issues, but I can work around it. Your bill is probably going to be 2,800."

"Damn, alright, I think I'll have that."

The tailor looked at me before nodding. He seemed slightly less nervous.

"I am confident you will. That's the last of it, you may leave. Return in a week for the next fitting."

With a salute I was out the door.

+++

Dreams will be realized, awesomeness will be Harnessed.

I cup my hands together while also keeping them open, before throwing them to their sides.

"Ka-"

I can feel something within me stir.

"Me-"

It's difficult to describe really.

"Ha-"

It's not warm, not cold. But it does have a weight to it.

"Me-"

Wait... Isn't the Kamehameha strong enough to blow up moons?

"Haaaaaaa-"

...

Well...

That was disappointing.

I'm not mad, just disappointed. Looking at my hands I can't help but feel like an asshole yelling the name of the founder and first ruler of the Kingdom of Hawaii like it was some kinda magic spell…. Which it bloody well should be.

How do I shot Ki? 

* * *

"It says a lot that your digestive system is the least interesting thing about you. Both your mouth and tail are connected to its own independent stomach, but you completely lack an kind of excretory system."

"Is that bad?" I ask. To be honest, it sounds bad, like I might explode level bad.

"You have an incredibly good digestive system. I would guess anything you can't digest would be vomited up. I don't think it will be a problem. Other than that, your other organs are too... Alien really. Your innards is completely symmetrical. Other than the Stomach, the only other organ I could somewhat identify is four liver analogues. Two livers are mirrored on each side of both of your stomachs."

"Huh, weird."

"It's more than just weird, It's a fairly unique approach to redundancies in the event something fails."

"And you say the digestive system is the least interesting thing about me?"

Dr. Harding nodded somewhat enthusiastically.

"Your blood was just as interesting, you seem to have nucleated red blood cells, for what function I really couldn't guess, maybe your red blood cells can take on the function of any other cell or maybe its so your red blood cells can divide. You do have a skeletal structure, but until I can analyze it further I can't be certain it plays any role in blood cell production."

I guess this is what happens when you throw a bunch of aliens into a living petri dish for the sole purpose of killing an alien monkey.

"Other than that, we did find traces of cellulose in your musculature, and your green coloring seems to be caused by chlorophyll of all things. You probably don't even need the stomachs, just some water and sunlight."

Oh, right Namekians again. Man those alien slug demons sure have some useful stuff.

"But it goes even far beyond that. I have never seen a physiology so alien in all my life, and I've studied dozens of alien species. Are you sure you used to be human?"

"What, you couldn't tell?"

"I haven't gotten your genetic tests back to be sure, but your physiology alone can only be alien. You seem to have a non-centralized nervous system... Kind of, but also kinda not. Your nervous system actually might just be more brain. Or rather its like your nerves are coated in excess neurons."

I wonder is that's how Cell was able to survive without a head and even regrow it back with his memories intact.

"Neat. Hey what about breathing? Do I have lungs? Spiracles? Do I even need to breathe?"

"Well the mere fact that you can talk points to some kind of respiratory organ, but we are very early in the analysis of your biology. For all I know, your Stomachs might double as lungs. Many of these unidentifiable organs could be analogues to human organs that are just so different in appearance that I just don't realize what they are. At this rate, the answer could be all of the above. You could have lungs and spiracles, but at the same time, you may not need oxygen in the same way that we do. You're just so alien that I couldn't yell you one way or the other, and at this point I don't want to rule anything out."

It didn't escape me the emphasis Sammy put on the word anything. I always knew Cell was bound to have the weirdest biology possible, so I think I'm taking this rather well.

"Fair enough. Umm, I know this is going to sound strange, but... Did you find any weird kinda energy…. Stuff?"

Dr. Harding looked at me strangely, it was an expression I couldn't quite put my finger on.

"That is an unusual question... Why?"

"Because reasons."

And once again, Sammy was not amused.

"I need an actual answer Cell."

I shrug. Bullshit mode activate.

"I can feel... Something... Not quite sure what it is, like this nebulous ethereal thing within me. Can't quite explain it better than that."

Translation, I wanna do Ki blasts, but I have absolutely no idea how.

I'm not bitter about it or anything. I mean it's only every kids/man child's dream to pull off a Kamehameha. It's no big deal really.

My own theory as to why I couldn't do it is the same reason Captain Ginyu couldn't do awesome Saiyan stuff after body snatching Goku. He didn't know how to use that power, but he could still fly and pull off stuff he did know.

...It only just occurred to me I never tried to fly… Something to look into later.

I, on the other hand, come from a place where Ki probably didn't exist at all. I don't know how this stuff works.

"I think we should focus on your biology first."

Still not bitter.

"Fine." I say with a sigh. 

* * *

Stretchy arms do your thing.

And they're off to the races folks. Neck in neck, it's gonna be a photo finish.

...

Damn, call me the energizer bunny because I keep going, and going, and going, and g... Ok I stopped.

Sammy looks at the arms before writing something on his tablet before nodding to me. And like that they snap back.

"Your max length is just under 30 meters. With each arm lengthening at roughly 3 meters per second."

"Sweet."

"It is impressive I'll admit."

I rose a... Brow? Let's call it a brow.

"You seem distracted Sammy."

And the 'not amused' saga continues.

"Please don't call me that. But, yes. Some of your tests came back. The results were... Unexpected to say the least."

"Unexpected how exactly?"

Dr. Harding looked to me as he seemed to think about what exactly to say.

"Your protein samples contain human DNA, roughly anyway. You have eight times the genetic information of human beings, and the entire human genome is apart of it."

"What exactly do you mean by that?"

"In the simplest terms I can think of, if you took a strand of human DNA in one cell and stretched all the way out, it would be about two meters long. If we did the same to one of your cells, it would be sixteen meters long. And exactly two meters of it is the entire human genome, slightly modified, but human none the less."

"Told you I was human...ish."

Sammy sighed.

"You don't get it, you can't just make a strand longer like that. Some of our results show that your organs at least some of them, are composed of organic polymers, but are otherwise artificial. You do have genetic information, but many of them can only be artificial proteins and biomolecules, your DNA repair mechanism is basically CRISPR on steroids. You are a literal treasure trove of medical marvels. Your body contains numerous biochemical compounds that would make whoever patented them very VERY rich, analyzing your organs could lead to new kinds of artificial organs decades beyond anything we have now, and beyond that you are like the holy grail for everything from whole limb regeneration, slowed ageing, the eradication of diseases, and perhaps even immortality. With your DNA repair mechanism alone we could build new xeno nucleic acids from scratch. Whoever made you was undoubtedly a genius, mad as they come, but a genius nonetheless."

"Neat-o. So I'm a state of the art Bio-Android. Eat your heart out Arnold Schwarzenegger."

"That's a good way of putting it I suppose. You are at least partially manufactured. I don't think you quite realize just how important you really are, if any of this information got out, everyone would do anything to get a hold of you, even just a piece of you." Said Dr. Harding offhandedly.

"Neat."

It was quiet for a moment before he spoke again.

"You know, you're remarkably calm about being an artificial life form."

"Would you prefer an existential crisis and an emotionally unstable Bio-Android?"

"No. It's just... You aren't reacting like a person who woke up as a... Whatever you are."

"I'm a go with the flow kinda guy."

"Hm."

Uncomfortable Silence 2: Electric Boogaloo

"I did look into your energy question. You may actually be onto something, you do burn energy at an alarming rate, but it's not chemical energy that is expended. Which is actually a good thing, your metabolic rates are insanely high. Even with photosynthesis and a nutrient rich diet, you'd probably expel more energy than you could intake. The exact nature of this energy is inconclusive, but your body is doing something to compensate."

"Also neat."

"You really have no idea." 

* * *

If you're blue and you don't know where to go to

Why don't you go where fashion sits?

"Puttin' on the ritz."

Looking back in the mirror, I gotta say that I look good for a giant green bug man.

"I'm glad you approve. The tail and wings were a challenge to work with, but I am nothing if not professional."

"Thanks Jeeves."

"Please don't call me that."

"You got it Mr. Belvedere."

"That either."

"What is your name anyway?"

"..."

Ohhh, I could hear that ellipsis.

"Edwin...Geoffrey."

OH MY SIDES!

"Ha haha hahaha hahaha... Geoffrey, really. Gotta say man that name is very...Fresh."

"Please stop."

"How is Bel-Air anyway?"

Geoffrey sighed. I guess I'm not the first person to make the joke, well it's new to me buddy, I'm gonna enjoy this.

"I'm just going to ring you up. Your down payment went through, so can keep the suit but you're gonna need to pay the rest off later."

"Thanks Geoffrey, and do give my best to Uncle Phil."

I could feel the groan. 

* * *

"You look ridiculous."

"Jealous Sammy?"

"Not in the slightest."

Liar liar plants for higher.

"Look Cell, I've been talking to the higher ups, and they are very interested in keeping you around."

"How interested actually?"

"Very." Said Sammy as he handed me an envelope.

Taking it, I wasted no time in opening it and...DAMN!

"That's yours to keep. A lawyer is coming down here later to talk to you."

"So... Many... Zeros."

"More than I make in a year. And I make six figures."

"You sure this is a check? This looks like a phone number."

"If you don't want it, I'll be more than happy to take it off your hands."

I spun on my feet and walked out the door.

"Be back later, I'm going to the bank." 

* * *

Gotham First National Bank is an interesting place. As soon as I calmly walked in the security guard looked me over exactly once, before asking if I was here to rob the place. Took less than a second to convince him I was there to open an account.

This must be a fun place to work.

Looking around the place, I see most people looking at me like... Well like I was a giant green Bug Man in a three piece suit. At least no one was screaming at me. Didn't take all that long to get me in an office to open up a new account. As soon as the teller saw my check, I was in the back faster than you can say Payday.

"Cell Genome McSplice III."

"I have to be honest with you Mr. Cell, that name sounds fake."

"I got to pick it." I say very pleased with myself.

"I see..."

Business stuff ensured, talking, sitting, and questions... So many questions.

It was at this time I was reminded that I now lived in a comic book universe.

As we sat there discussing my financial options, I heard the unmistakable sound of Buckshot. The agent ducked under the table like a pro. Didn't even look all that scared, just exacerbated.

Wonder if this is just a normal thing for him.

"I'm gonna go check that out. Excuse me."

And I walked out the door to see about five armed masked dudes pointing a gun at the teller I talked to previously.

"Now shut up and put the money in the..."

"HOLY SHIT IT'S A META!" Screamed one of the guys who pointed his gun towards me.

Is Cell bullet proof? I think Cell is bullet proof.

"Um..."

Confirmed, Cell is bullet proof. They just kinda bounce off.

"Oh that really isn't necessa...MY SUIT!"

These bastards just ruined my brand new suit. It wasn't even fully paid for yet... Oh yeah, Cell is gonna have to smack a bitch.

With the white hot rage of a thousand Hulks I shot my arm at the asshole who shot me before grabbing his face and yanking violently down, slamming him face first into the hard marble floor, creating a sizable crater in the process.

More bullets came and I swept my arm low, knocking everyone in its way on their asses before I started grabbing and easily breaking the guns as quickly as I could. Gotta love super strength.

I counted three down, leaving the guy at the front who had taken the teller hostage, and another guy who thankfully realized that shooting me wasn't going to work.

"What do we do boss!"

"Shut up, I'm thinking."

I watched the two carefully as I waited for something, anything to happen. Looking at it, I don't think there was much I could do without endangering the teller.

"As cliche as it might sound, you really don't have to do this."

"Shut up freak."

Well that's just hurtful.

"You're robbing a bank in Gotham City, probably the absolute worst place for anyone to rob a bank, baring maybe Metropolis."

"Just... Just stay there freak." Said the man as he turned to his only conscious partner.

I saw this as my chance.

"Go get the mone..."

I managed to stretch my arms around the asshole and grab the gun with one smooth motion. Before he could react I smashed the butt of said gun in his face as the hostage fell to the ground and frantically moved away.

When my arms returned to their normal length I admired the new Sawed Off in my hands before realizing another round of Buckshot hit me and ruined even more of my suit.

I counted two shots.

"You know you're out of ammo right?"

Before he could do anything a wild flying sawed off appeared and bounced off his face. He hit the ground and to my amusement, the very same gun that I threw at him came down on his head again.

Then cops came in. I was wondering what those flashing lights were. Derp!

"Hi officers." I say with a wave.

Several of then start to cuff the bruised and beaten crooks before one of them approaches me. He looks me up and down.

"Nice suit."

"Try arresting me for public nudity now."

"I thought you looked familiar."

"What? There is some other Bug Man I wasn't told about?"

The officer shrugged.

"Eh, maybe. Some crazy pyro who goes by Firefly. No idea if he's really a bug or not, but this is Gotham, so we ain't ruling it out. Anyway nice job on taking put these bozos, but I'm gonna need to take a statement."

"Do I have to?"

The cop looked at me pencil in hand as he waited for me to say something.

I sighed.

"Fine, but can we hurry this up, I got an account to open, an appointment to keep, and a suit to fix."

"Just start at the beginning big guy."

+++

I've been here for a few weeks now, and after the whole bank incident, I'm starting to realize only now just how strange it is going to be living here. I mean I am going to have to actually do something. Dicking around is fun, but I am fucking Cell. There are no Androids around for me to achieve my perfect form, but that's alright. Imperfect cell at the very least looks cool if nothing else.

To be honest superheroics sounds like a lot of work and bureaucracy. The Justice League has all that covered, and I'm fairly certain that it is an immutable law of nature that no matter what the heroes always win in the end. My introduction isn't going to change that one way or the other. They'll get along fine. Sure I stopped a bank robbery, but that was just because I was there at the time. No need to make it a full time job.

Super-villainy is just as bad, the aforementioned good guys always win being a contributing factor in making the idea seem unpleasant. Plus I don't really want to kill anyone. Don't have the stomach(s) for it. Even considering one of my powers is literally the ability to drink people, I don't have to use it. I mean one of Hellboy's powers is literally kickstarting the apocalypse, but he doesn't use it, so I don't see any reason to drink people at all.

That said, I need something to do with my time. Sure I can train and train until I can finally harness Ki energy, but what about after. What job opportunities are there for a green bug man in a three piece suit? I mean jobs that I would actually want to do?

…

I'm drawing blanks here…. Hm.

You know what… I think I know what my calling is. DC tends to be on the serious side of things, even as insane as life can get in a world of super heroes, it's not the fun kind of insane. Let's fix that, I think it's time someone added some silver age hijinks into the mix. I mean I am Cell, who's gonna stop me? And thanks to S.T.A.R. Labs, I can afford the same lawyers who represent Lex Luthor. So why not make the world a more fun place to live.

Maybe I should give the Bat-mobile a new and improved paint job.

"But where am I going to find that much hot pink spray paint at this hour?" 

* * *

A/N: As you can probably tell, this won't be a serious story, probably won't even have a proper narrative, just a collection of the insane wacky misadventures of Cell Genome McSplice III.


	2. Fear and Loathing with Glitter and Blow

Fear and Loathing with Glitter and Blow

Never meet your heroes, especially if the only reason you like them is because of the sheer balls to the wall insanity they exude, but I'm getting ahead of myself. If I had known that something like this would happen, I probably would not have come to the Republic of Columbia.

Let me tell you how I got here, and ended up surrounded by piles and piles of cocaine. So much coke that you could remake Scarface at least 17 more times. Mountains of cocaine might be a bit of an understatement.

Oh, and also I was fighting a fairly unique Supervillain despite my best efforts not ever to be in this situation. Clearly my best wasn't good enough. Perhaps I should explain what lead to this insanity. Well it all started with Hot Pink spray paint and the Bat-mobile, and before you ask, yes the paint also had Glitter in it.

* * *

Tailing the Bat-mobile is very easy when you can fly. I am not sure if that's the wings helping, or is I am actually tapping into my Ki, but it's a lot easier to do than I initially thought it was. As it turns out Cell has very good vision so I can stay above the clouds to hopefully keep Batman from realizing I'm there. I don't know who he's chasing, but if I'm lucky, he's leave it somewhere giving me time to enact my nefarious deed. Oh, I think that's the Riddler he's chasing. who else would wear a lime green suit covered in question marks, I mean even my suit is black. It's a classic color.

Anyway looks like whoever was driving the Riddler sucks at his job and ran into a pole. So after a moment, everyone gets out and run for it. Some of the Riddler's goons are shooting while the Riddler high tails it. Doesn't take Batman long to literally jump out of the Batmobile and go Arkham Knight on their asses before he chases after the Riddler. If I know my Riddler, and I like to think I do, the Mr. Nigma probably has an elaborate trap for the Dark Knight, giving me plenty of time to enact my plan.

I waited for a moment, before I rapidly flew down. I was not stupid enough to touch the damn thing yet, I mean I know that Jason Todd almost stole the rims, so maybe I can actually touch the damn thing assuming that hasn't happened yet. There is a chance that my doing this could lead to Batman putting in a new feature that might Shock little Todd as he tries to steal the rims, but considering his story, I like to think I'm doing him a favor.

With my weapon in hand, I approach the Bat-mobile as calmly as I can.

I poke at it with my extend-o-arm... and nothing happened. Feeling somewhat brave, I slowly and carefully approach the Batmobile before I shake the can. The satisfactory his as the Hot Pink mist began to stain the hull made me smile as well as my face enabled me to smile.

I started at the hood and tried to move as fast as I could, otherwise I was sure to be discovered. Extending arms really helped out here, and I learned that Cell was in fact ambidextrous. Which made this go by twice as fast. I didn't need an even color, but I hoped to get the whole thing. Here Cells surprisingly potent hand eye coordination and speed made sure I wouldn't put the paint on the windows. The hood was done by now, but I knew I didn't have very long, sure some areas were less pink than others, but it would do.

I moved on hovering over the Bat-mobile as I tossed the cans to grab some fresh cans. I was rushing a bit now, but compensated by using each arm on both sides of the car. The Bat-mobile is symmetrical, and apparently my brain was able to perfectly mirror my movements with each hand, so I only needed to keep an eye on one side without looking at the other.

Thanks Dr. Gero, you truly were a great man, for a guy who removed his own brain to put it in a robot... I'm certain the reason was just and honorable.

Finally I was at the back, I was at the finish, and I knew I was running out of time, but operation Hot Pink Batmobile was nearing completion.

So close.

I'm gonna do it.

It's gonna be glorious.

Touchdown.

Admiring my work, I widen my wings and then like Team Rocket I'm blasting off again. From the safe distance of the upper troposphere, I wait. Didn't take long. While I can't make out facial features, Batman does look at the Batmobile for a moment before examining his surroundings. Surprise Batman, no one is there. I would give anything to read that mind right now, but Batman is nothing if not professional, he's probably go no real reaction for the entertainment value, but it isn't his reaction I want to see.

* * *

"On Gotham tonight, footage of a Hot Pink Glittery Bat-mobile was caught on footage soon after the Dark Knight apprehended the notorious Edward Nigma, also known as the Riddler. While it is unknown who defaced the Bat-mobile, several police officers took to Social Media. Officer Micheal O'Neil had this to say."

"Working with the G.C.P.D. you're used to crazy things happening all the time, but I got to be honest, this was the absolute last thing I ever expected to see. No clues yet on who exactly caused this... Some crazy *BEEP* that's for sure."

Before the story could continue the television turned off.

"That is certainly a new one." said Sammy.

I was rather proud of myself, not only did I manage to do it, but it actually seemed to be more newsworthy than the apprehension of the Riddler.

"He actually drove the Bratz-Mobile away to. Oh I'd kill to have a picture of that. Think he'll keep the color?"

"Doubt it."

Probably a good call, and a perfect start to something beautiful. Gotham has the potential to be such a Silly place.

"Well, back to the examination."

"I'm not going to feel violated am I?"

Sammy's silence did not fill me with confidence.

* * *

Paranoia can do some strange things to you. It can make you think everyone is out to get you, or it could even force you in a situation where you dress up as a bat and punch criminals in the face. It's a great big spectrum of crazy really. Either way, in hindsight I should have realized that as great as my awesome plan was, Batman is the World'sWorld's Greatest detective, and It was only a matter of time before he came after me. I know how this goes. He's gonna Ninja out of the shadows and probably scold me or something, but what if his plan is more nefarious than that? I mean sure he can't really do anything to me, and he certainly won't kill me, but this is Batman we're talking about. What if he genetically engineers a virus to turn me Pink, or worst of all Robins egg blue!

What if he knows I know he knows? Then maybe he won't do anything, and just let my paranoia grow higher until it reaches a boiling point. It's ingenious really.

And I was not scared of that hooting owl, honest. I didn't jump to the stratosphere when I heard it. And I certainly didn't scope out the ground before landing. Everything does look clear though. One can never be too careful where Batman is involved. That Magnificent Memetic Badass Bastard that he is.

WHAT WAS THAT!

…

Oh, apparently a stray dog... My mistake... Unless...

Ace the Bat-Hound... Is that you?

...

No I don't think Ace is a hairless Pomeranian.

...

In hindsight that might just be a rat.

Alright Bats, if that is how we're gonna do this, I'll bite. I must escape this horrid place, lay low for a while. Imagine how mad it will drive him if he loses me. Yes, it is the perfect counter attack. Try and drive me mad, well we'll see who gets there first, spoiler alert, you dress up like a Bat, you are already half way there.

Next stop, the airport.

* * *

"First class ticket on the next plane out of here." I said as I slammed all my files on the desk.

One of the useful things about not actually having your own place other than a glorified mad science lab is you always have everything you need with you. Even a Passport that may or may not be lega, I really couldn't be sure. That guy behind the dumpster did look trustworthy though.

The receptionist looked at me with an odd look I couldn't quite place. Wonder if it's the green skin. However she at least has some level of professionalism and looks to her computer for a moment before turning back to me.

"Um, alright. The next plane takes off to Columbia though, are you sure um actually… you do have money right?"

Apparently she missed the cards, but no matter, I shall enlighten you receptionist whose name I do not know... No I will not look at your nametag, that would be cheating.

"Have you seen my suit, it's custom made. Of course I have money. You think I stole a suit that was designed to fit with this tail?."

"I, um. I suppose that makes sense."

Yes, don't ask any questions. Less of a trail for Batman to follow.

"Glad we agree, one ticket please."

My plan was coming together. I shall prevail over you Batman, I swear it.

* * *

There are all sorts of nooks and crannies in Columbia where even the greenest of Bio-Androids can hide to avoid a Bat Scolding. Like the Amazon to the south. Squatting in the muck next to a very angry Jaguar who I have taken to calling Jerry. Jerry was of the friendly sort, almost immediately after eating my decapitated head (Yay for Regeneration) he no longer seemed keen on my taste. My own theory was that whole part plant thing.

He tried to make a run for it, but extendable arms make for one hell of a leash.

It's not like I wanted to hurt the poor guy or anything, but if...When Batman came I needed something to distract him, and if there was one thing I knew about Batman, it was that his one true weakness was cats. So I felt safe for now, just me, Jerry, and that Humvee that just drove past me and Jerry's hide away muck. I turned to my feline companion. Eh, this was a boring spot anyway.

"We've been compromised Jerry, were gonna have to part ways, but I suspect Batman may be near, you keep him busy and I'll run for it."

That… was not what Jerry did. Instead he ran off the second he got the chance…Note, Jaguars are fast.

"I already miss him."

Seeing no better alternative I decided to see where that truck had come from. Oh how I wish I followed Jerry.

So as it turns out I found a Cocaine production facility. The chances of which for me was probably 100% assuming the universe is attempting to force me to be a hero or villain. There us apparently no middle ground. That or I just am the unlucky idiot who stumbled upon this operation. I'll go with option 2. So all I have to do is leave, and it will be like none of this ever…. Why are they screaming?

...

I'M GETTING SHOT AT...AGAIN! Dammit it was hard enough keeping the suit clean in the God Damn Amazon of all places, I was amazed I managed it, but now this.

Alright if that's how you wanna play, let's play. Thank god I can fly, because that means I can instantly become a Cell shaped ballistic weapon at will. There were about two dozen men, but I was bulletproof, and possibly immortal but mostly bulletproof. Which really helped out in situations like this.

Target sighted.

I slammed head first through a building for the intimidation factor before looking out the Cell shaped hole I made to oversee my possible options. However what really got to me was the way they all lowered there weapons and adopt an expression I can only describe as Scared. Of course what I failed to realize until a few of them began backing away was I was not the only one here in this house, and whoever was in here was someone these men feared, fo my guess is it's probably the Leader of this little operation, and not a moment later did I gaze upon who it was in charge… and when the bells in my head rang with recognition. Well I was too shocked to do much of anything at all but stare.

"YOU, BUG MAN, WHY DO YOU INTERRUPT MY PRAYERS!"

It couldn't be…

There was absolutely no way that HE was here. Out of all people in existence in DC Comics, I run into the only person who could give the Joker a run for his money in the crazy department, granted for entirely different reasons, but still.

"Ummm… are you Snowf..."

The crazy bastard interrupted me, which only seemed to confirm my suspicions.

"ENOUGH OF YOUR PRATTLE! NONE CAN WITHSTAND THE WHITE HOT EXTACY OF MY GOD, COCAINE. YOU NOW FACE THE WRATH OF HIS LORDS MOST LOYAL ACOLYTE, SNOWFLAME!"

Yep… it was him.

Snowflame's body burned with white and blue fire as he stared me down. I also think he was jogging in place as he screamed his drug fueled sermon. Good old Snowflame, an interesting character in DC Comics history. Guy is balls to the wall let me tell you. His whole shtick was his powers were, quite literally, fueled by cocaine. Which he also worships. Had I known he was the guy behind this whole fiasco, I probably wouldn't have bothered. I had a feeling things were about to get turned up to 11 real fast.

"WITNESS TRUE POWER! IT BURNS WITHIN MY VEINS AND SOON SHALL IT BURN IN YOURS!"

I should probably note that Snowflame was holding a double-handful of cocaine and immediately began to snort all of it on the spot, then he face planted into one of the cocaine mountains and snorted that up to.

It was mesmerizing really.

It was like he was some kind of human vacuum cleaner. The scene was just so god damn surreal that I didn't know how to react. He had to have snorted double his bodyweight in that shit, he was more cocaine now than man. As soon as the last bit of blow disappeared up his nose, Snowflame exploded. I had to shield my eyes for a moment as he transformed into what I could only describe as a white/blue colored version of the Human Torch if he was coked out of his mind.

"Um..."

And then Snowflame punched me in the face...

Things went downhill after that VERY quickly.

You see I learned Three things at that moment that I either had forgotten about Snowflame, or had not known previously.

1st, Anyone Snowflame touches gets a contact high that is roughly proportional to however high he is.

2nd, Snowflame was so very, unnaturally, dangerously, absurdly, and completely fucking high that he shot out past pluto and was dangerously close to hitting Alpha Centauri at Light Speed.

And 3rd, Cell and Cocaine go together like Ketchup and Used Gym Socks.

I'm not gonna lie to you. This is gonna get kinda weird.

* * *

"KAMEHAMEHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Bright lights are pretty.

"YOUR PITIFUL INSECTOID ENERGY ATTACKS CAN DO NOTHING TO ME, MY BODY BURNS WITH A FAR GREATER POWER! SNOWFLAME COMMANDS YOU TO DIE!"

Why are pretty lights hot? Why? I wanna Hug the lights! Oh lights are fire. Can't hug fire. Am sad now.

OH SHIT FIRE!

"EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE! YOU'RE ON FIRE! AM I ON FIRE!"

Fire? Forget the fire. We have more important things to deal with. Why. Can. I. See. My. Own. Atoms. My fingers have fingers have fingers have fingers!

"BURN INSECT! FOR THEN—THERE WAS NEW WHITE LIGHT! I AM THE HUMAN INSTRUMENT OF THAT LIGHT! AND IT DEMANDS YOUR HEAD"

"BITE MY EMERALD GREEN ASS CRACKHEAD-MAN!"

No, Captain Crackhead-Man. King of Crack. Is it wack? Or is Wack Crack?

Jerry… is that you? Have you come for another head?

"YOU! DARE! HAVE AT THEE HERETIC, PREPARE FOR DEATH! PREPARE FOR EXHILARATED BLISS-FIRE!"

"JERRY HELP, MY SOUL IS MADE OF SQUIRMING AND EVERYTHING TASTES OF RAINBOWS!"

Where is my Jerry? Is Jerry an anything? Am I an anything? Or am I an everything?

"THROUGH THE POWER OF COCAINE I GIVE WILL YOU ONLY DEATH. YOU LIFE WILL FALL LIKE COCAINE THROUGH UNWORTHY FINGERS! MAY DEATH ABSOLVE YOU OF YOUR BLASPHEMOUS SINS BECAUSE COCAINE WILL NOT! AMEN MOTHER FUCKER! AMEN!"

"EAT THIS ONE BITCH, SOLAR FLARE!"

I am become sun, brighter of day's, dryer of rain, and the itsy bitsy spider crawled up the spout again. WE MUST BAN ALL SPOUTS BEFORE IT IS TO LATE!

"YOU CALL THAT LIGHT BLINDING!? HA YOU KNOW NOTHING OF TRUE BLINDING LIGHT INSECT! I SHALL SHOW YOU THE TRUE BLINDING LIGHTS OF AMBROSIA DUST."

"BLOW ME CAPTAIN SNOW & BLOW!"

"NO! BLOW ME YOU GREEN HERETICAL INSECT! BLOW MEEEEEEE!"

I could run a marathon right now, ALL OF THE MARATHONS! AT THE SAME TIME!

Where did my right arm go?

"YOU DARE THROW ARMS AT ME!"

Oh, there it is. Oh hey it grew back.

"YOU DARE THROW ANOTHER ARM AT ME!"

Bitch I Double Dare. Infact I triple dare.

...

I have become disarmed.

* * *

I should probably note that during me and Snowflames mutual rumble in the Jungle, the whole warehouse was either on fire, or was already destroyed. I did not find this out until later of course, I was much too… out of it to realize ot at the time. A lot of the fight was a haze of bad decisions and hammy shouting matches. Thank Kami however that Cell's unique biology was very good at clearing out toxins, even if they were induced by the touch of a coked out bat shit crazy metahuman who is… again, fueled by cocaine. When I started to regain some of my faculties Snowflame was spinning to become what I can only describe as a giant flaming cokenado.

As I heard the madman cackling, I knew there was only one real decision. Fucking Bat Scolding was better than this. Besides, the drug lab was gone and his workers were either dead or traumatized forever, a job well done if I do say so myself, and obviously I do.

This shit was just too bananas for me, so I took off, and never looked back.

It only occurred to me as I passed over Texas that in my drug fueled mania I had managed to use ki attacks.

…

Repressing half of that now….

Memories Repressed.

Not a bad first attempt if I do say so myself, but next time let's try without a telepathically induced high clauses by the mere touch of a Cocaine Demigod.

...

Repressing again.

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

* * *

So here I was back in Gotham, hiding from Batman. See now this is the nice kind of insanity I like. No mountains of cocaine and no pyrokinetic fuck nuts dudes. Just me and this tree I'm hiding in, and nothing else. I m alone. No one else is here.

"So... You must be Cell."

NINJA STANCE ACTIVATE!

Oh... It's Robin. Also Ow! Falling hurts, note to self. Do not ninja in a tree, you will fall. Knew I should have just stayed in the stratosphere.

As soon as I brush myself off I look to the kid again, and resume Ninja stance. Because I didn't fall out the tree, you're just seeing things.

"I hope that stance is supposed to be a joke or something."

"Maybe it is, and Maybe it isn't." I say as I put my fists of fury down before someone got hurt. Or incase I relapsed and hallucinated Robin was a Cocaine Monster or something.

Either way this is an unexpected tactic. This Robin is fairly young, I don't think he is here to get revenge on behalf of his sensei, so perhaps his purpose is meant to put me in a false sense of security, or maybe he is the distraction. Maybe Batman is behind me… Right . Now!

I TURN MY HEAD TO SEE AND... I'm looking back at Robin, who seems to be looking at me with a strange expression.

"Nice Exorcist Maneuver."

Apparently I can turn my head all the way around back until I face forward again, but not much further than that. I spin my head in the other direction to confirm that I can do the same going the other way.

"Huh, that's neat Full 360 neck turns." I say offhandedly as I return my head to its original position.

Not as painful as I think that should have been, but that is one hell of a flexible neck, and it still was a much better power than cocaine fueled pyrokinetic happy fun time.

"So I take it you didn't know you could do that."

"Well in my defense, I'm like... Four-ish weeks old." I count my emergence in the sewer to be my birth, DBZ Cell was only like six years old anyway. So I'm going to act my age thank you very much.

"They grow up so fast." said Robin with a shrug as he examines me somewhat.

This is a trap I know it, I'm on to you Batman.

"Is there a reason you're here?"

"Just sending you a message, Batman would very much appreciate it if you didn't do that again. Though in my opinion, that was the best day ever. Took a while to get all that paint off, and the glitter was worst."

"It always is, but fine, no more Hot Pink glitter bombs."

"Or any other color."

Damn, this kid is good. Thinking ten steps ahead, well jokes on you, invisible is not technically a color.

"Fine, no other colors either."

"Good." he said with a nod as he looked behind him. In the distance with my Cell Vision I could see the unmistakable silhouette of Batman.

So he WAS WATCHING ME! I KNEW IT!

"Gotta go, suppose I'll see you around, or not. Who knows."

With a flip and a twist, Boy Wonder was off lke a ninja in the night.

That actually went surprisingly well for me. Batman of this universe must be far more chill than I am giving him credit for. If Frank Miller were writing this I'd probably have a concave mouth that looked suspiciously like a fist.

Maybe Gotham isn't the best place for my Hijinks, Batman was never known for his sense of humor.

…

Wait.

That's it?

You mean to tell me I could have avoided Snowflame and gotten the Bat equivalent of a slap on the wrists… Not even a face to face Bat Scolding.

Ya know what…. No more random trips to Whereversville. I'm just gonna sit here and take deep calming breaths. Just close my eyes and pretend none of this ever happened, just push it all into that place deep within where memories get repressed. Nice and calm thoughts.

See, I already feel better.

...

Why am I glowing?


	3. The Cells of Penzance

The Cells of Penzance

"Now I'm radioactive! This cannot be good!"

At least I assume I'm radioactive, why else would I be glowing. You know, at this point I am absolutely convinced that the universe (or at least some god-like entity) is actively screwing with me.

Maybe this is an after effect of my encounter with a coked out madman of truly breathtaking proportions. A lingering of tweaking if you will.

…

And now the glowing has dimmed...dimmed...and gone… Hm.

Was that like a Ki aura or something? If so animation really doesn't do it justice. It was like a corona of shimmering… something. Kinda like the shimmer of air above a fire but with the occasional spark of electricity. Only if that shimmer was also somehow capable of glowing on its own.

It's really surreal, but in a good way, not in a my blood has transmuted into cocaine kinda way.

I also appear to have inadvertently warped space-time because some tiny pebbles were floating around me presumably because… aaaand the stone obey Gravity again. Guess it took them a moment to realize they weren't supposed to be floating.

"What the hell was that?"

How was it people always seemed to sneak up on me? Especially considering the guy who snuck up on me was a 10 foot tall crocodile man. Was I really just that bad at this?

"Hey Croc, how's it going?"

I should probably note that Killer Croc was wearing a fedora and trench coat that his his identity about as well as you'd expect. If anything it actually drew even more attention to him.

"No seriously what was that?"

"Nothing, I was doing nothing. This did not happen."

I probably could have told him, but I really didn't know if it actually was Ki, and I did not want to admit that fact. I mean I was like… 99%... Eh let's be generous and say I was 85% sure that was Ki, but I had a knockout slug fest with Cocaineman earlier, and this is DC… I don't want to rule out… i don't know, magical Leprechaun dust or something. Maybe I was still tripping all kinds of balls.

"Riiiiiiiight. And the fact that where you are sitting seems to have forgotten what gravity is was absolutely my imagination?"

"Yes. That. Exactly thank you."

"Whatever you say Bug, whatever you say."

Standing up I stretched a bit before looking back to Croc.

"So why are you up here? The smell of poo water starting to get to you?"

Croc glared at me a bit before hissing.

"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that, but no, I just like coming out at night for a bite to eat Gotta admit I didn't expect to see you again."

"Yeah, I have been meaning to visit, but there was this thing I had to do and I painted the Batmobile pink, and don't get me started on the guy who coked himself retarded."

"Ok...What?"

"Yeah, my month has been very productive."

"Yeah, don't care, what was that about painting the Bat-mobile?"

"Yeah, that was certainly a thing I did."

"I heard about something like that, assumed it was the clown."

"Really, I'd think the Joker would do something a bit more… I dunno, murdery, yeah I'd think he'd do something a lot more murdery than painting the Bat-mobile pink."

Croc shrugged.

"Depends on his mood really, can never tell with that guys, one day he might just draw mustaches on billboards while dressed as a pirate the next he's holding nuns hostage with plastic explosives and rabid hyenas."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Croc hissed as he turned away. I followed his eyes to see a lone Asian man walking into an alley.

"Looks like dinner is Chinese tonight. Take care Cell, and don't be a stranger."

I watched Croc walk off towards towards, most likely to commit homicide, cannibalism, and a whole host of who knows what.

I guess I'm friends with a pseudo-reptilian serial killer. Wow… this really has been one of those months.

A problem for another time I supposed. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and began to hum the song "What is Love" to myself. I wasn't sure how long I sat there, but eventually through closed eyes, I could tell something was happening.

The glowing had returned.

I smiled.

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.

* * *

A major problem with any potential future plans was I had absolutely no idea what happened in Young Justice. I had seen only 2 1/2 episodes.

The first episode, the one with the Injustice League, and the first half one where the team lost their memories in a desert.

That last episode always confused the hell out of me since I didn't have context or anything behind it, and initially I assumed that for some reason the show rebooted in the very same season it was made. Of course that day I had stuff to do and didn't find out the whole memory erased plot unit much later.

However I did keep up with DC comics, up to the Dark Knight: Metal series at least and shows like this tended to use things that happened in the comics as inspiration for episodes.

So I should be covered on everything.

Right?

Either way I figured it shouldn't affect me all that much. After all, as long as I stay away from any conflicts then events should proceed as expected. Barring any butterflies I would cause.

That said, I was kind of hoping to at least figure out where I was in the series. Which was quite the task when you only seen three episodes. According to the almighty internet however, no random planet wide plant monsters have attacked, so I can safely guess it was before the Injustice League stuff.

Which was good, at least I know about the one event that might actually affect me.

Safe in that knowledge, I decided to move on to my next plan.

I needed to do something epic… but what to do.

* * *

I sat on the chair with my legs crossed and assumed the stereotypical meditative stance. Eyes closed as Sammy busied himself with one of my livers. I had plenty to spare anyway and regeneration was a very good thing.

"Partially synthetic, artificial polymers, non artificial cells structured in honeycomb lattice work…"

Sammy apparently had a habit of talking to himself when he was really focused on something, and apparently my liver was fascinating to him. I'm not sure why.

"Should I leave you two alone? Maybe come back with some fava beans and a nice chianti." I said as I continued my meditation.

Somehow I knew Sammy's eyes just rolled at ne as he started cutting into the liver.

"I don't bother you when you do… whatever it is you do, please don't bother me during my examinations."

"Hm."

My eyes remained closed as I felt a warmth envelop me. Ki certainly was something else let me tell you.

I am glowing again.

I am bug. Like moth.

I am become one with pretty lights.

If I was a moth I'm pretty sure me being able to glow would have all moths everywhere look to me as their new lord and master for becoming one with the light.

"Cell, mind keeping the lights down. As fascinating as it is I don't have time to study it now, and you're interfering with my equipment."

Sighing I open my eyes as I hear several objects clatter on the floor, nothing much, just a few pens and other stationary that were floating previously.

"Just getting a feel for my Ki doc."

That seemed to get his attention.

"Ki? Hmmm… interesting." He said offhandedly as he made a note on his tablet. Then returned to my liver.

"Uh huh…. Great conversation Doc."

"Look Cell, I know I'm distracted right now, but this is my normal hours, why don't you go busy yourself with something."

Hopping to my feet I stretch my arms and listen as my bones pop. My God that sound is satisfying.

"Sounds like a plan Doc. Catch ya later."

He probably didn't expect me to head out the door at my top speed, but seeing him duck as papers and other crap flew everywhere was satisfying, especially as he flew ass over tea kettle.

"Eh, he'll be fine."

* * *

Unlike when I attempted the Kamehameha, this time I actually tried to get a feel for my Ki, and actually had a goal in mind. I wasn't going for anything quite so flashy, but if my epic plan was going to work, I had to pull it off.

It really is hard to talk about what Ki is, but best I could think of, it was like there was something passing through me, something that had a presence that seemed to have qualities I literally couldn't comprehend.

It both did and didn't have a temperature, I wouldn't call it hot, and I certainly wouldn't call it cold, but warm and cool didn't cover it either. it had a weight to it that wasn't physical, it was a small strain to focus on it, but the strain wasn't like lifting something or anything like that.

It was all one big contradiction that simply put had qualities that extends beyond the physical into a visceral realm of truly alien sensations.

It did kinda tickle though, but not in an obnoxious way, but in a pleasant way.

I focused on these feelings as I visualized my goal. And after a few moments, I heard something that momentarily distracted me, and caused me to open my eyes. As soon as I did, I smiled as much as my weird bug mouth let me.

"Hello...Cell."

One

"And hello to you Other Cell."

"Do not forget about I….Also Cell."

"Greetings Also Cell."

Two

"Hey, don't ignore me… the bugman currently known as Cell."

"Oh how could I forget you, the Bugman currently known as Cell. You complete our Fab Four."

And three.

Bringing the total up to four Cells.

"Looks like we can pull off Multi-Form. Yes, this will do just fine."

Also Cell tapped a claw to his own bug mouth.

"Ok, so normally this technique splits power by 4, but Perfect Cell just made full on copies of equal power. Where do you think Imperfect Cell falls on that spectrum?"

Other Cell crossed his arms.

"Does it really matter Also Cell? Considering what we plan on doing power isn't necessary."

"Indeed Also Cell, Indeed." I say.

"So, now that we're all here. Who's ready for rehearsal?" Asked the Bugman Currently Known as Cell.

We collectively cleared our throat, and began rehearsal.

Yes, the plan was coming along nicely.

* * *

It took days of preparation, which mostly consisted of looking up objects most likely to be stolen. I knew eventually my prey would show up. She would not be able to resist the temptation of this particular object.

The Museum of Gotham had revealed a new piece that based on the name alone I knew was begging to be stolen. The Cat's Eye Ruby… so yeah, three guesses as to who would want this particular diamond.

From the next building over, I saw a dark figure leaping and bounding across the rooftops heading for the Museum.

I looked to my copies.

"Alright everyone, no pressure, remember your roles and this should all go swimmingly."

With tree simultaneous nods we were off.

Selina Kyle, also known as Catwoman looked into the Museum's sky light window as she scoped out the location. She flexed her fingers and began carving a hole into the glass as carefully as she could.

Little by little, bit by bit she made just the right sized hole to fit through. She easily moved the detached glass off to the side before diving her way into the Museum.

As soon as she did no, me and my brothers snuck our way in as well, only with less gymnastics and more Spiderman-espue movements, using oir claws to cling to the ceiling as soon as we got to the sides.

We began to maneuver ourselves into place, each of us watching as Selina Kyle used some very impressive flexibility to avoid the laser grid that lead to the Cat's Eye Ruby.

After a few moments she got to the case.

"Oh, now aren't you a pretty little , but stuck in such a dab little place such as this. That just will not do." She said, mostly to herself.

It was now that we struck.

Selena smiled at her prize, right before the unmistakable sound of cymbals and brass flooded the room, followed immediately by the singing of Fortissimo.

For those unaware, Fortissimo can be best translated as "sing it at the top of your lungs, and as loudly as you can".

"_With Cat-Like Tread.__  
__Upon our prey we steal_."

Catwoman watched as the first Bugman came out of the shadows and sang as loudly as he could before another came next to the previous.

"_In silence dread.__  
__Our cautious way we feel_."

The alarms were blaring as a third one snuck from the shadows.

"_No sound at all.__  
__We never speak a word_."

Abandoning stealth, she moved as quickly as she could for the skylight as a fourth one appeared.

"_A fly's foot-fall.__  
__Would be distinctly heard!_"

Then shoulder to shoulder, the four bugmen began to dance the Can Can.

"_Tarantara, Tarantara_."

Catwoman flung herself out of the skylight as the sounds of police sirens in the distance became just a little louder.

Looking to her side, she saw the origin of the sounds, a stereo blaring as lod as it could. Or at least it was until she decimated it.

What she didn't expect was the four bugs to follow her, still Singing sans instrumental.

"_So stealthily the pirate creeps__  
__While all the household soundly sleeps_."

More than a little annoyed, Selina removed her whip and cracked it at the four bugs. Unfortunately is was completely ineffective.

"_Come friends, who plough the sea.__  
Truce to navigation.  
Take another station.  
Let's vary piracy.  
__With a little burglary_."

"SHUTUP!SHUTUP!SHUTUP!SHUTUP!"

Each crack of the was more than useless, and their choreography seemed keen on them flying above just out of reach from her diamond nails.

She leapt for the next rooftop, and unfortunately she was followed.

"_Here's your crowbar.__  
And your centre bit.  
Your life preserver.  
__You may want to hit_."

"_Your silent matches.__  
Your dark lantern seize.  
Take your file.  
__And your skeletonic keys_."

"_Tarantara_."

"_With Cat like tread_."

"STOP FOLLOWING ME!" Screamed Catwoman as she bounded up a fire escape as fast as she could.

"_In silence dread_."

"_With Cat-Like Tread.__  
Upon our prey we steal.  
In silence dread.  
Our cautious way we feel.  
No sound at all.  
We never speak a word.  
A fly's foot-fall.  
__Would be distinctly heard._"

Having had more than enough, Selina bounded up the building grabbing the edge, before flipping backwards to gling herself towards the nearest bug man.

"_Come friends, who plough the sea_." 

With her diamond claws, she managed to sink them into the exoskeleton of the beasts leg, throwing it off balance.

"_Truce to navigation_."

What she did not expect was for the Bugman to grip at his thigh, and tear his own leg off, sending it, and Selina down.

"_Take another station_."

Selina idly noted that there was a helicopter above them, and it seemed to be filming her. She wasn't quite sure how long that had been there, but it was more than a little embarrassing.

"_Let's vary piracy.__  
__With a little burglary_."

Selina attempted to land on all fours, however she was unaware as to the open dumpster beneath her.

"_With cat like tread__  
Upon our prey we steal  
In silence dread  
__Our cautious way we feel_."

With their musical number over, the four Cells turned to the chopper as the camera moved over to them. With a simple bow, three of them faded out of existence, before the one remaining one took off for the skies.

Selina, who had managed to crawl her way out the dumpster, stared at the retreating form with hate filled eyes, before taking off.

It wasn't the humiliation.

It wasn't the ruby she didn't even have to show for her ordeal.

It wasn't even begin caught that bothered her.

No, batman had ruined many of her heists in the past. This however, was different. She would have her revenge, because no one, NO ONE, ruins her reputation, on LIVE TV, and to add insult to injury, he did it all while singing her favorite Gilbert and Sullivan song.

That, she decided, went just a little to far.

She was going to squash that bug and flay it alive if it was the last thing she did. With ease she avoided the sirens and offices until she made it to her safe house breathing rapidly in pure rage.

Confidant she was alone, she screamed to the heavens.

* * *

All in all I am happy with how things have been proceeding. I actually managed to harness Ki, and best of all, show the world my lovely singing voice that only mildly sounded like Plankton gargling rocks.

I was so pleased with myself I couldn't help but skip as I walked. All the while singing Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah.

The civilians of Gotham are starting to get used to my antics. None of them so much as spared me a glance as I shipped and sung my cheery tune.

Taking a turn towards my destination I smiled as I barged into S.T.A.R Labs like I owned the place.

Moving past the technicians and interns doing the grunt work. Some of them looked up from their work to eye the singing insectoid tjing skipping past them. I'm sure it was surreal.

Finally I saw my destination.

With a push, I entered the room, and saw Dr. Harding waiting patiently. As soon as he met my gaze he waved.

"Hello Cell."

"Greeting Sammy."

He hummed in disapproval before looking to his machine. He motioned for me to sit down, so I did.

"So...I saw your little performance on the 6 O'Clock News this morning."

"Great wasn't it." I said, pleased with myself.

"I'm more curious about those copies you made." Sammy said as he stared attaching weird devices to my exoskeleton.

"Remember that energy I told you about?"

"Yes, I believe you called it Ki."

"That's the stuff, turns out it can do more than just the normal energy stuff of Pew! Pew!"

"I'm almost jealous. I could get so much more work done with more of me."

"Well you know what they say, the other Shaltanac's joopleberry shrub is always a more mauve-y shade of pinky russet."

"At least you have good taste in literature. Anyway I'm glad you can somewhat use your Ki. Because that's what this machine is for. I want you to enter that meditative state again, this device will be able to monitor your vitals. It had to be custom built due to your unique biology, so please try not to break anything."

"I promise not to intentionally break it."

Sammy nodded.

"That's good enough for me. Now close your eyes and do your thing."

* * *

After that noise, I decided it was best to sit atop S.T.A.R Labs while make a list of possible victim… I mean Heroes and Villains who either deserved to be taken down a peg or be humiliated by a giant bug man.

Thus far the list included mostly villains and a few notes about them. At the top of the list was Lex Luthor was the most magnificent bastard to ever magnificent bastard, as such the plan must be proportionally epic.

Metropolis was surprisingly close to Gotham, so I had time to plan things out and not rush things. I had a few ideas, and wasn't really afraid of retaliation. Immortality and regeneration will do that to you I suppose. Still this is Lex Luthor, the guy who tussles with Superman, who one time accidentally destroyed a solar system by sneezing. Though I don't think this version of Superman was quite as broken, he was still Superman.

As I began to brainstorm, I felt something enter my vicinity. I love Ki senses. No more sneaking up on me.

"Hi Batman." I say without looking away from my notebook.

That was at least Until Batman grabbed me by my shoulders and forced me to my feet. I was somewhat surprised by the whole thing, and waited to see where he was going with this.

I did know one thing after seeing his face.

Bat Man was Bat Mad.

"What. Did. You. Do."

I blinked.

"Pardon?"

In response, batman held out a recording device with a screen showing a very familiar face.

"COME OUT BUG MAN AND FACE SNOWFLAME! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF MY TEMPLE!"

I looked to the screen, then to Batman… then back to the screen, and back to Batman.

I smiled.

"Funny Story actually."


	4. The Big Easy's Big Burn

The Big Easy's Big Burn

The drive in the Bat Plane was a quiet one. Batman didn't say much as we made our way to… wherever it was we were going.

Deciding enough was enough, I broke the silence.

"I would just like to point out that I didn't mean to enrage the chosen Avatar of Cocaine. It was an accident, honest… where is he anyway?"

"New Orleans."

"Why?"

Just… how high was he? I haven't even been to New Orleans in this universe... yet.

"He started his rampage at the Audubon Butterfly Garden and Insectarium."

"Ok… does he think I live there or something?"

"He seems to refer to you exclusively as Bug Man. His mind is twisted by his addiction. Any reason as to why he is there is known only to him."

"Kay… so why am I in here anyway?"

"Because this is your mess. You will be helping clean it up."

"What kind of logic is that. I mean if a random civilian enraged the Joker to Primarch Angron levels of rage, do you kidnap the unlucky bastard to go after the Clown?"

"You're no normal Civilian, and I never said you will be fighting Snowflame. However his ability to induce intoxication with his touch has made containing him difficult."

"So how did you figure that one out?" I asked with a snicker.

Batman choose to plead the fifth, which was lawyer speak for not talking. I sighed.

"So if I'm not fighting him what will I be doing?"

"It's you he's looking for. We can use that to our advantage."

"Soooo…. I'm the distraction?"

Batman nodded.

Well… This could be fun. Really what was the worst that could happen.

…

I froze.

I did not just think that. I refuse to believe that my brain had thought those particular words in that exact order. I did not just tempt fate.

Oh well, it can't be helped. Standard Procedure, roll with the punches and do so in as amusing a way as possible.I am, after all, an instrument of scientifically engineered death and destruction, and of there was one thing I know I was good at, it was being the absolute best distraction I could be. 

* * *

So… apparently New Orleans was on fire, and Snowflame was rampaging his way through the French district. For Bourbon Street however, as expected, things were business as usual. In fact many of the people there had failed to notice the flaming junky.

Never change New Orleans, never change.

The hood of the Jet opened and Batman leapt out, with me closely behind him. Thanks to my Namekian hearing, I could hear Snowflame even from this distance.

Well, He certainly sounded like he was having fun.

Soon Batman and I were joined by two more leaguers. A Green Lantern who I assumed to be Hal Jordan and the Martian Manhunter.

I waved at the Martian.

"I come in peace."

J'onn rose a brow, seemingly amused.

"I… actually haven't heard that one in years." He said offhandedly.

"That's because everyone else here is used to you, this is all new to me."

He nodded as he turned to Batman.

"We have had to reduce our numbers. Only members capable of engaging from a distance."

Remember when I asked Batman how they learned about Snowflames intoxicated touch? Well.. At that moment Wonder Woman flew out of nowhere breathing rapidly, with eyes dilated. She was currently using the Lasso of Truth in trick roping. She landed next to us doing the Texas Skip, an interesting maneuver where she would vertically spin her lasso in a wide loop before jumping through the loop from one side to the other on each rotation.

She kept doing it. Before her eyes widened more.

"DidILeaveTheStoveOn?!" She screamed before throwing herself into the air doing a triple flip and rocketing off into the horizon.

I sure hope that stove was off.

"She'll be fine." I said offhandedly.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Wonder Woman has left the building… in more ways than one.

"The same thing happened to me. His touch causes one hell of a cocaine contact high though."

"Yeah, we figured that out, thanks." Said Hal sarcastically.

"The intoxicated effect is purely telepathic in nature….Mostly. There should be no danger of addiction." Said J'onn before turning to Batman.

"I should go check on her." Said the other green guy on the street before he flew off.

Snowflame should lead on that, all the benefits of cocaine without actually doing cocaine.

"So what is the plan?"

"Cell here is his target. He'll help lead him out of the city giving us more room to maneuver."

"Alright, and how do we stop him once we get him out?" Asked Hal.

"Violence." I said. "Lots and lots of violence."

No one so much as spared me a glance

"I have something in mind." Said Batman. 

* * *

"SNOWFLAME REGRETS NOT HAVING TIME FOR YOU NUDE ACOLYTE! I CAN SMELL THE ESSENCE OF OUR LORD WITHIN YOUR SOUL, BUT SNOWFLAME IS ON A MISSION! HE SEARCHES FOR THE BUG!"

The drunk, high, and also topless woman raised her arms as she screamed the word Party over and over like it was a montra.

I took it as my cue to enter.

"Sup The Human Snort."

Snowflame turned in my direction and…

_UNINTELLIGIBLE SOUNDS OF COCAINE FUELED RAGE._

He had gone off the deep end, he now was stuck in a perpetual state of Angry with a Capital A, that was for sure. Had fallen off the wagon so hard he tunneled through the earth's mantle and past the core to the lost city of the mole people.

Then suddenly FIRE! FIRE EVERYWHERE! I mean sure everything was already on fire but now it was even MORE on fire. Even the fire was on fire.

Bourbon street somehow remained unscathed. Go figure.

I Zoidberged my way out of there screaming WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP.

The Crazy crackhead screamed in frothing rage as he pushed ALL OF THE FIRE out of his body to head in my direction.

"GAHGHAHHHH! DIE BUG DIEEEEEEE!"

Like I said, frothing rage.

"BUT I LIKE LIVING!" I screamed as I flew my ass as fast as I could away from the maniac.

"I DON'T CARE, NOW DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIEEEUGHA."

As he devolved into Neanderthal levels of vocalization, I tossed a few energy attacks his way, with my fingers put into a gun pose of course.

"Pew! Pew! Pew!" I said as each bolt of Ki energy shot from my fingers, which seemed to annoy Snowflame more than anything else.

Granted they weren't very strong… still, that was some powerful crazy right there.

"WHEGH, NEYH, GRAH, DE..DIE.. KILL, MAIM, BURN! BURN! BUUUURRRRN!"

I won't lie, I LOL'D at his rage.

"ALWAYS ANGRY, ALL THE TIME! ALWAYS ANGRY, ALL THE TIME! C'mon Snowflame, Scream the warcry of your people."

"COCAAAAIIIINE, GRANT ME YOUR STRENGTH SO I MAY SLAY THY ENEMIES!"

Yes. Yes! Let The Hate Flow Through You… Let your…Oh, Shit! Since when could Snowflame fly?

"Uh oh!" I said as I blasted off to the south, moving closer and closer to the Gulf of Mexico, where Batman had whatever it was he had to stop the worlds MOST POWERFUL COKEHEAD!

Snowflame was pulling off a Human Torch again, leaving noxious Coke Fire in his wake. With my powerful Bug eyes I could see Snowflames veins throbbing under his skin (which was now made of fire) and the twitching of his muscles (also made of fire).

Dis' guy here, he was NOT alright in the head.

Well...Looks like distraction part is over… I'm gonna throw ki in his face.

Fuels of unholy Coke Fire pooled in his hands as Snowflame shot it at me.

"Kamehameha!" I screamed as I released my own attack, resulting in a traditional DBZ style Beam-O-War… somehow.

I really wish I had a better feel for my Ki because I was pushing as much as I could into the attack, but I could tell that I wasn't able to get it out fast enough. Like a kink in a hose or something. I knew I could push more power into it, I could feel that at least… but I had absolutely no idea how… which was beyond unfortunate… downright unfair really.

"IS THAT ALL YOU GOT BUGMAN!"

This guy needs a new hobby.

"SHOVE IT UP YOUR NOSE ASSHOLE… OH WAIT, YOU ALREADY DID."

Where our attacks met, a weird swirling energy orb had formed. One that was slowly getting bigger. On the bright side, I was able to keep the flaming Coke Fire/Ki orb that formed in the middle of us from being pushed closer to me… unfortunately so was Snowflame.

That was about the time a giant green fist came out of nowhere and hot Snowflame in the face. This caused a few things to happen.

First I got to see a Green Lantern rapid punch a bitch with like… six glowing green fists of Justice.

Second, and probably far more alarming, it caused the coke fire portion of the kamehameha/drug fireball to fail. Which meant the kamehameha was no longer impeded from continuing on it's merry way into a building...and another building… and a treeline...and a third building...and some traffic lights… and a fourth building…. Yeah!

"Ummm… Ooooops!"

Thankfully the fifth building was covered in a green light from Hal's ring, and that seemed to be just the shield it needed not to continue destroying everything.

I sure hope there was no one in those buildings… otherwise I probably just ruined their day.

"So… this is what happens when you tempt fate."

In my defence…

Green Lantern will-punched Snowflame first. So really this was his fault.

I turned to see a very angry Snowflame getting hit with a giant green mechfist before rocketing out of the way. Then his eyes met mine.

"YOU! DEFILE MY TEMPLE! DEBASE MY GOD! NO! YOU WILL BURN BUG MAN YOU WILL…"

Whatever Captain Crazy Pants was going to say next was cut off as a weird device flew in front of his face and exploded. He took a deep breath as chemicals rushed into his lungs. I took a breath of the stuff as well, and found it tasted foul and burned my eyes.

Through the chemical smoke I could hear grunts and meaty punches that landed with a loud *thunk* as a green light enveloped my vision. The smoke cleared and I saw an unconscious and twitching Snowflame trapped in a Green Lantern Bubble with Batman standing to the side wearing a new batsuit with a built in rebreather.

I looked to the Dark Knight who nodded in my direction as I rubbed my eyes of the sting.

"What *cough* What the hell *cough* Is this crap?" I asked trying to will the horrid tastes and irritants in my throat away.

"Experimental gas dispersal grenade."

It took a few minutes for my mind to connect the dots.

"Did you *cough* give him a detox?"

"Essentially. Consequently the chemicals have not yet been approved by the F.D.A. We needed Snowflame to be the only one in range." Said Batman as he watched Hal Jordan fly off with Captain Crackhead.

"*cough* Yeah, didn't go that way *cough*."

"His ability to fly was unexpected. I wasn't sure we would have a better chance. For what it's worth, I analyzed S.T.A.R. Labs data on your genetics on the way here. You'll be fine."

Clearing my throat, I spat out the foul crap before taking a deep breath.

"Wow Batman, didn't know you cared." I said as I looked across the city. Which wasn't burning quite as badly as I had first thought.

"Well my job here is done. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bald megalomaniac to creep out."

Batman glared at me… I think he was mad.I was about to blame Green Lantern, right before something stupid happened.

The Green Lantern bubble containing Snowflame cracked… actually cracked, before shattering. Snowflame, who strangely enough still appeared to be unconscious, floated in the air as the fires raged around him. Twisting into new and interesting shapes. Ash from burned building remains spun into a dust storm around the unconscious form of Snowflame.

It was only now that I realized that instead of ash, anything the fire burned turned into cocaine.

"_Arise my most loyal disciple, The Pantheon of Stimulated and Inhibited Bliss requires your aid._"

Then Snowflame shot off like a bullet into the sky.

Was...was Snowflame just raptured?

"Wait...Is there an actual fucking cocaine god? Don't tell me there is an actual fucking god of Cocaine!"

I know DC is a fantasy/sci fi kitchen sink… but...really? Really? And there was a drug Pantheon? Since when?

I took a breath.

"Welp… that went from zero to pants on head stupid real quick."

"Something to find out later. It wouldn't be the first time an abstract entity posed as a god." Said Batman as he looked to the sky where Snowflame once was.

"This is too much crazy for me. I'm going to have to inform the guardians…Maybe take a nice long nap afterwards." Said Green Lantern as he flew off.

"Sooo...can I go now?" I asked in my best sweet voice I could manage.

Batman looked from me, to the destruction of the city.

"You are not only responsible for Snowflame being here, whether intentional or not, but your energy projectile destroyed a city block and vaporized several buildings."

"Not my fault, Green Lantern interrupted the Energy Clash."

"You were not to engage with Snowflame, you were the distraction. You never should have initiated the attack in the first place."

Damn you logic.

"Well… That sucks…. Kay bye."

"Cell. You're under arrest."

I froze. That just wasn't good.

"...Can I do something first? I just need to make a quick stop in Metropolis."

Batman narrowed his eyes.

"You have three hours to be back in Gotham or I hunt you down."

"Works for me thanks." 

* * *

Lex Luthor sat in his office, business as usual. A few more projects filed away for a later date as he went about his usual routine. The only real change was preparing for his role as an independent arbitrator for the Rhelasian Peace Talks. Everything had to go smoothly before he left, and while he was confident in his abilities to enlighten the small nation, it never did hurt to be prepared. He still had over a month to prepare, but most everything else was proceeding just as planned. He cpuld spare the time.

*Thunk*

Lex was distracted from his work at the sound from the glass behind him. He rose a brow. He was on the 56th floor of Lex Towers, and whatever hit the window was undoubtedly large to make such a sound. Currently the curtains were closed, but with a press of a button, they began to part.

What he saw was not what he expected. At all.

Lex had heard of Cell, and the mad shenanigans the creature got up to. Hard to miss it when videos involving Catwoman, a jewel heist, clones, and Gilbert and Sullivan played on every major News Outlet. It was fairly clear to the business magnate that Cell, for all his power, lacked the will or ambition to use it, and seemed content on, as the people below would say, dicking around.

However Lex never expected to meet the strange Bio-Android, since officially, he wasn't a superhero or a supervillain, even the other members of Light wasn't quite sure of what to do with the mystery insect.

Which is why it was so surprising to see the insectoid creature with its limbs spread out with its face pressed against the glass staring at him with a mad gleam in its eyes.

It had a great taste in clothing however, Lex had to admit that much, Giorgio Armani was always a good decision.

Lex stared at the bugman, who had yet to blink yet. For the first time in a long time, Lex Luthor was very confused.

Then it spoke.

"Hello there…. _Sexy Lexy_."

…

Lex slowly reached behind his desk, and flipped the switch to close the curtains. They closed painfully slow, neither Lex nor Cell broke eye contact until the curtains finally slid in place. as he walked around his desk to grab his coat.

A muffled voice cut the silence in the room.

"Oh _Sexy Lexy_, please let me in. I want to touch your _skin_."

"Nope!" Said Lex as he walked out his office.


	5. Scrabble and Arrows

Scrabble and Arrows

Gotham city was a profoundly dark place, in almost every way that word could be used. Sunlight apparently having been banned at some point. I found myself high above the city at the moment, sitting on the back of a stone gargoyle with his legs and tail dangling over the side, kicking back and forth. Arms crossed as I hummed to myself. Why were there so many Gargoyles on the rooftops of Gotham anyway? This wasn't even a church, it was a building for an insurance company. What were they trying to scare the competition away? Bet you wouldn't see the Geico Gecko pulling this shit.

Putting that aside, Cell closed his eyes and allowed his awareness to expand. His senses could feel nearly all the life around him to a degree. Made tracking intended vict...I MEAN PEOPLE... Yeah, people, it made tracking them simpler. It was difficult to tell really if what he was feeling coming from everyone else was Ki or some other related/unrelated phenomenon that was similar enough to register to his... Sensey senses that sense stuff. Honestly, Cell wasn't sure how better to describe it than that.

"Wonder if this is how dolphins get the lay of the...ocean I guess."

A sharp and rapidly approaching... Something Cell recognized as Batman appeared within Cells range, doing the usual Stealth Hello. Actually being able to know where Batman Was and how he quickly and quietly moved made it kinda funny.

Sure, it looks cool if you turn your head and suddenly Batman, but the reality was so much more fun. He actually was there just out of sight for a moment, waiting for me to turn my head before sneak sprinting to where he wanted to be.

I turned to see him standing there, as if he had always been there.

"Hi Batman."

I rose and got to my feet, with the finger like toes grasping at the stone gargoyle beneath.

"I should warn you I called my Lawyers. But if you want to go ahead be my guest." Said Cell as he presented he hands, waiting for the cuffs.

Batman never looked away from Cells face.

"Regeneration, self duplication, elastic physiology, bulletproof exoskeleton, energy projection, supersonic flight, and that's just what we know."

Cell blinked.

"Pardon?"

"Every time your name comes up, you seem to have gained a new ability previously unknown. Would I be correct in assuming you have more abilities?"

Cell thought for a moment.

"Lets see, I can sense people around me and their location, you missed that one. Also this stinger tail isn't just for show. Is this going somewhere?"

"There has been a lot of discussion involving you Cell. Your manufactured but no one knows who made you, you seem to possess new abilities every time we check in on you, and your actions have gotten the attention of more than one person whose attention you really don't want to have. As far as anyone can tell, you just appeared one day, for no reason."

"I did tell you I'm from another dimension right?"

Batman narrowed his eyes.

"Oh...Umm, So I'm from another dimension... so that's a thing."

"My point still stands." said Batman seriously.

"I'm... Not under arrest am I?"

Batman shook his head.

"Awww man, I already paid my lawyer's retainer fee."

Batman ignored me.

"I can respect your decision not to engage in vigilantism or... Serious crime. Despite this, you still experiment with your abilities, and the destruction caused has made me realize your abilities aren't the kind you should be allowed to experiment unsupervised. This is why I brought you here."

"So, you're going to supervise me?"

"No, but both members of the League and its allies will."

I blinked. That didn't seem like such a bad idea, better than me trying to figure this all out on my own, which could potentially end up with disastrous results... Like an accidental earth shattering KABOOM!

Avoiding becoming Mike Nelson, Destroyer of Worlds probably was a good idea.

"What's the catch?"

"Other than making sure that nothing like what happens in New Orleans happens again. You would have to obey a few guidelines. You will also be given a room of your own in a location where any damage you might cause will be limited."

"And if I say no?"

"Then we part ways, with your name on the Leagues Persons of Interest list, and trust me, you do not want to be on that list."

I tapped my chin...mandible? Beak? I tapped whatever that was with my finger as I thought about it. Then I turned to Batman.

"I can drop out at any time right?"

He nodded.

"Well shit, I guess I'm in then... For now at least."

"Good, follow me."

And so I did.

* * *

Who hollows out a mountain? Apparently the Justice League. Either way the way there was fun, teleportation was certainly something new. Of course as soon as I seen it, I decided to have some LOLz. Once I appeared in the mountain, I managed to tear my torso from my legs. Sure I was bleeding and everything, but I knew what I was doing. I reached to the heavens.

"No, another tragic teleporter accident. Damn you Scotty! Why did you beam me up!"

I theatrically beat my fist on the floor as Batman casually ignored me. Same for the other guy in the room, who I believe was Red Tornado.

"_S__o this is Cell?_"

"OH THE PAIN, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"

Batman nodded.

"He agreed to the proposal."

"I MAY NEVER WALK AGAIN!"

"_I see he is just as eccentric as they say_."

"HEY! I'M BLEEDING ON YOUR FLOOR, MY LEGS ARE LITERALLY OVER THERE!"

"He has an unfortunate sense of humor." Said Batman.

"STOP IGNORING ME!"

"_I have prepared a room for him for the time being._" Said Red Tornado.

"SEE FOR THAT I'M NOT CLEANING MYSELF UP!"

"Good, I'll prepare training protocols." Said Batman as he left the room.

By this point, I had regrown my pelvis and legs, in a bit of a sour mood as I looked to my old pair of legs twitching in the corner.

"_Greetings Cell, I am Red Tornado. I have been informed of your stay._"

Instead of saying anything, I motioned with my thumb to the still twitching legs.

"I'm still not cleaning that up."

Red Tornado looked to the legs, before quickly looking back to me.

"_Acknowledged._"

Great conversationalist, this guy.

"So are you the only one here right now or...?"

"_The rest of the Team is currently away. I believe they went to the Beach._"

"I see... So... Got anything to do around here?"

Red Tornado thought for a moment, before speaking.

"_Do you like scrabble?_"

I did like scrabble.

"Dammit, I forgot how much I hate Scrabble!" I said as I resisted the urge to flip the board.

"Seriously though, is Quizzify even a word?"

"_Yes, I find it interesting you did not know. Quizzify, verb first definition to make into a joke, to mock second definition to question, to quiz. Another game perhaps?_"

"Huh, I should write that one down. As for another game, no. I think I'll just cut my losses."

"_Very well._"

It was quiet again, before Red Tornado spoke again.

"_Do you like Risk__?_"

"I do love Risk! But I think enough games."

"_Very Well, perhaps you have a different suggestion._"

I thought about it.

"You like math?"

The Pro Cell Equation ™

Alien Monkeys (Two of em) + Demon Alien Slugs + Space Nazis + ALL DA BUGZ + Pitiful Man Animal ÷ Leet Humor ÷ Lol Your Mom (cell wuz here) ÷ They see me Trollin (They Hatin) × Fancy Suits (kiss my glorious green glutes) × Tail Vore (Don't ask, won't tail) × Adorableness (obviously) × I'm a Sassy Green Lassie n=y where y=GREEN IZ BEST and n=KAMAHAMEHA TO THE FACE MOTHER FUCKER, Ki=Fun Potential is OVAR 9000, life=Disregard Wenches(Acquire Currency), Best= Cell Genome McSplice III

"And that is the winning formula to creating a superior life form. Any questions?"

Red Tornado looked at the equation on the board before turning to me.

"_I believe this is a gross misuse of Mathematics__._"

"You'd think so, but this has been peer reviewed."

"_Who were your Peers in reviewing this material?_"

As if summoned by magic, or Ki. Three other cells appeared behind Red Tornado.

"He's right, the math checks out." Said Also Cell.

Other Cell nodded.

"Yes, I have checked in triplicate, there can be no denying the methods behind this formula, no matter how unorthodox it may appear. Truly a work of art."

The Bugman Currently known as Cell looked from the board before shrugging.

"I procrastinated. Didn't have time to fact check."

"Low blow Bugman Currently known as Cell. Have you know respect for science?"

Red Tornado simply watched as the trio of new Cells argued back and forth as O.G. Cell slid next to him putting an arm over his shoulder.

"My creator Dr. Gero was an eccentric man. Then again that shouldn't have come as a surprise, he did remove his own brain to put it in an android."

"_Why would he do that?_"

"To be honest, I'm more curious how he did that. But don't worry Red, if I ever get an answer to either you'll be the first to know."

Red Tornado merely nodded.

I banished the other Cells to the Shadow Realm as I crossed my arms.

"My earth was a bit anachronistic. Dinosaurs and Dragons roamed the forest, there was aliens, magic, magic aliens, talking animals were all over the place, and God was half of an alien Demon Slug man… well he was before his other half ate himself to become stronger to kill some evil androids… it was a weird place."

"_I would expect nothing less from a reality that managed to create you Cell._"

"Awww, that's sweet of you to say Red."

"_I have a question._"

"Shoot." I said.

"_Is there Really a Cell Genome McSplice I and a Cell Genome McSplice II?_"

"Yep, though most know them as O.G. Cell and Team 4 Star Cell respectfully."

"_I see._"

I nodded.

"_Recognized Green Arrow 08, Recognized Artemis B07._"

…

"What was that?"

Before I could kick Red Tornados ass the teleporter teleported… Well the teleporter itself didn't teleport, that would be counterproductive… unless you could get inside of the teleporter when it teleported...Gah, what I'm trying to say is people showed up from the teleporter that was in the corner of the room, and nowhere else.

"I'm sorry but are those LEGS!?"

"Huh, I forgot I left those there." I said offhandedly.I recognized Green Arrow. I think that was Artemis. Again, I saw like 3 episodes.

"Sorry, those are mine… don't touch them, I'm saving them for lunch."

Red Tornado stood up to greet Green Arrow, as Artemis looked at my discarded legs before turning to me.

"Nice suit. And, what exactly are you supposed to be."

"Well, thats rude. The name is Cell, Cell Genome McSplice III."

Artemis rose a brow, before her face slowly morphed into shock.

"Wait… you're that… thing that stopped Catwoman with a musical number."

"Ok first of all how dare you not call Cat-Like Tread by its proper name, it's Gilbert and Sullivan you monster… and second, yes that's me…. And you are?"

"Artemis, try not to forget it."

"No problem Amanda."

Let's be honest, with an introduction like that how could I resist. Before she could say anything, Green Arrow moved from Red Tornado to get a good look at me. I think he was trying to psyche me put, he obviously had no idea who he was dealing with.

"Like what you see Robin Hood, I'll be your Merry Man, just know I don't look good in tights." I say with the creepiest smile I can muster.

He leaned slightly away from me.

"Yeah, you're just about what I imagined."

"Oh, you imagine about me do you? "

"Nope." Said Green Arrow as he turned to Artemis.

"Just showing my Niece around the place."

"Right, so… Aristotle… was that it?"

"Artemis." She said with a tad more venom in her voice.

"Ooooh, you are a sassy one."

I turned to Red Tornado.

She narrowed her eyes and in a very quick and very smooth motion, nocked an arrow and aimed it where my balls would be.

"You were saying."

"Ha, yeah, I like you. Jokes on you though, I don't have anything down there."

She smirked.

"That must suck."

Oh, was that a pun. Please be a pun.

I turned to Green Arrow.

"Can I keep her? She is catty as fuck."

"Please don't." He said exacerbated.

"So is he apart of this team?"

"Cell is a unique case." Said Red Tornado.

"Yeah, turns out when you could accidentally blow up planets you're required by law to not do that by practicing exactly how to do that."

Artemis looked at me with a quirk of her head.

"Blow up planets?"

"Hopefully that is an exaggeration."

Gah! DAMN YOU SURPRISE BATMAN!

"_Regardless…_" interrupted Red Tornado. "_...Cell requires training, he will not participate on missions, but he will participate in training._"

"Yeah, what he said. I'm not really the Hero type. My philosophy is simple, With Great power, comes great entertainment value."

"Uhh huh, good for you." Said Artemis as she continued to ignore me. Seeing as I now had nothing better to do I looked to the scrabble board from before.

…

I discreetly flipped it and the table it was on, screaming at the top of my lungs. I turned to the Red Tornado, posing in victory.

"HA EAT IT RED TORNADO, I WIN. I SCRAMBLED IN SCRABBLE! GET IN MY LEVEL!"

I cleared my throat.

"Sorry, I'm a sore loser."

"Clearly." said Artemis.

"_Recognized Robin B01, Recognized Aqualad B02, Recognized Superboy B04, Recognized Miss Martian B05._"

"Seriously what is that?"

The psychic voice aside, it was correct in saying who was here. I'd have to figure out later why GLaDOS was in my head letting me know who was coming through the teleporter, but that was for another time.

"Hi everyone… umm What are these legs doing there?" Asked Robin.

"Honestly, not much… decomposing I'd wager." I said as I kicked the scrabble pieces to the side.

Robin then looked at me

"Oh, I guess that explains the legs then...Kinda… hi Cell."

"Sup."

Aqualad eyed me a bit before Batman cleared his throat. As they turned his attention towards her, they were introduced to Artemis. I wasn't really listening to what they were saying, but that was only because I just noticed that a few of the scrabble pieces had, in defiance of statistical probability spelled out the word 'Celz wus hr.'

Indeed Scrabble pieces, I indeed was aside… was the game taunting me? Or was it the universe… or perhaps it was coincidence, the world may never know. It wouldn't be the first time something stupid like that happened in DC… hell in my very limited experience I already learned about a God of Cocaine… this was practically mundane by comparison, but not unwelcome.

"Wait, if he isn't apart of the team then why is he here?" Asked Superboy.

I focused my Ki and created a visible aura around me that causes the scrabble pieces around me to rise into the air.

"Because I have Blast Processing."

Batman turned to the team and explained the actual situation as I let my aura die down, but it did not escape me that Aqualad and Superboy were looking at me suspiciously.

"_Recognized Kid Flash B03._"

"Am I the ONLY one who hears that!"

"The Wall Man is...Gah" screamed the titular Wall Man as he tripped over my own legs.

"What the, Oh my god, I'm gonna be those freakin legs?"

The Amazing Wall Man, who looked to be dressed for a beach trip, looked to Artemis, and then to me.

"Who the heck are you two?"

"Artemis, your new teammate."

"Never heard of ya… annnd you?"

It didn't escape my the annoyed loom on Artemis face as the unbreakable Wall Man ignored her before turning to me. I answered his question in my usual roundabout way.

"There are those that call me…Tim. I don't know why, my real and quite legal name is Cell. I'm here so I don't accidentally blow up the moon or something… I honestly wasn't paying attention… So do you conjure walls from the wall dimension?"

"Riiiiiiight… so big crazy bug, gotcha."

The combustible Wall Man looked back to Artemis, his eyes focusing on her quiver before his eyes narrowed. Annoyed Artemis was annoyed, also Wall Man was being very rude, perhaps It was time for the infragable Wall Man to meet his arch nemesis...the Kool aid Man… OH YEAH!

"_Recognized Speedy B06._"

"I'M HEARING THE VOICES AGAIN!" I screamed as Speedy stepped out of the fracking Twilight Zone.

He stared at the room with obvious disdain. Based on what I knew of Speedy from the Comics, that was spot on. Roy harper was always a bit of an asshole, nowhere near the level of Jason Todd, that level of sheer dickery took talent, but still. Roy looked like he was going to say something, until his foot hit my ex-legs. He stared at them.

"...Do I even want to know?"

"Probably not, Hi Speedy." said Robin.

"I don't go by Speedy anymore, Call me Red Arrow."

…

I'm gonna call him Speedy. Green arrow took a step forward.

"Roy, you look…."

"Replaceable?"

Oh,nice Renegade interrupt there Roy.

"It's not like that you told me you were going solo…."

Aaaaaand I tune out the conversation. Too much angst for my taste. I wonder if anyone is actually fooled by domino masks. I mean it doesn't cover the whole face at all. Actually any mask that doesn't cover the entire face is bound to not work if you know faces well. Batman should have like a Hannibal Lecter mask cover his mouth, maybe put some fake fangs in it. Really complete the Bat image he's going for. Actually now that I think about it what kind of bat would even have pointy ears like that, they look more like horns than ears.

I guess it's better than the Clark Kent method of secret identities. Do people notice Clark Kent is unnaturally buff for a reporter? I can't think of any buff reporters back home. Actually I can't think of any reporters at all. Maybe that was the secret to the disguise, no one cares about reporters faces. His coworkers should have noticed though.

Did Jimmy Olsen get a random grab bag of powers in this universe. Like every week he gets a new one. One week he's got the power of melting the next it's obesity. Yeah some of those shouldn't really count as a power. I hope he at least got one random balls stupid power at least. Like Super Snaggleteeth so he could eat food from ten feet away or something…

Oh my God they are still talking…

"Abducted two weeks ago, by the League of Shadows."

"WAIT!" I screamed, causing everyone to look at me.

"Ok First of all. This is boring, Speedy you're boring me."

"I'm sor…" said Roy aghast before I interrupted him.

"Second, I wasn't paying attention, can we get a do over?"

Speedy glared at me. Actually everyone was either looking at me in amusion, confusion, or contempt.

"And just… Who are you, another member of this so called team?"

"Nope."

That actually seemed to throw him off, but props on him for hitting his stride just as fast.

"So what are you, a coward who plans on hiding in a cave?"

"You… Insensitive JERK...she's a mountain. How dare you call her a cave. You're hurting her feelings."

"Are you crazy or something?"

"Jury's out on that, mostly because I blackmailed the Jury and the Judge, but I have a feeling I have a good case, unless Judge Foreman Was those pictures on him in a Purple Speedo riding a known Russian dolphin getting out. "

Roy quirked his head. His contempt washing away.

"What is happening right now?" asked Speedy to no one in particular.

"I'm quizzifying, and yes, before you ask it is a word."

"I believe there are much more pressing matters to attend to." said Batman.

"I don't know, I think this is amusing." said Artemis.

"I'm/She's my/his niece." Said Artemis and Green Arrow simultaneously.

That was actually impressive… Wonder if they practiced.

"Another niece?" said Robin as he glanced at Miss Martian.

"But she is not your replacement." said Aqualad. "We have always wanted you on the team, and we have no quota on archers."

"And if we did, you know who we'd pick."

"I pick the Sassy one." I say pointing at Artemis.

She seemed to appreciate it. The Inflatable Wall Man did not.

"Who even are you?"

"Didn't we go over this? My name is Cell. I thought everyone would have heard about the Catwoman incident."

"WAIT! THAT WAS YOU!" screamed Wall Man in surprise.

His surprise only filled me with disappointment.

"OH COME ON! IS THERE ANOTHER GREEN BUG PERSON I WASN'T MADE AWARE OF?"

"Can we please stop getting off track?" said Aqualad.

"There was a track?"

"Fine, Dr. Roquette is at the local high schools computer lab, nanobots that eat everything to steal data, she can stop it, League of Shadows after her. Is everyone up to speed?"

"See, was that so hard. I didn't even have time to stop paying attention."

And Roy had enough.

"And that's my cue to leave."

"_Recognized Speedy B06_"

"THE VOICES SPEAK TO ME!"

Roy ignored me.

"Thats Red Arrow B06, Update."

And back to the Twilight Zone with you.

"Swell guy." I say to myself.

"So before we go, is the Bug coming to?" asked Wally.

Ohhh, did he NOT want me to go? Well not I'm interested.

"Cell isn't an..." said Batman Before I interrupted.

"Yep!"

Batman actually looked at me in a subdued Bat Expression I couldn't place.

"I was under the impression you didn't want to get involved in heroics."

Hmm, need to bullshit a reason. One better than because I wanted to fuck with Wally. He wasn't my Flash...yet, so I wouldn't feel bad about annoying him.

"You're absolutely right, but as a Bio-Android, nanobots interest me. Dr. Gero never could get his to work, I'm curious to meet the person who did. I'll be good."

Nailed it.

Batman seemed to think about it, before nodding. I turned to Kid Flash and flashed a smile. After a few more boring bits, we were off.

I did not clean up my legs.


	6. Wonderland and Spiderman

A/N: I don't know if this has come up yet, but due to certain events that happen in this chapter. I should note that while this is a Crack-fic, that is only because of Cell himself, as well as the fact that the story is told from his perspective… also Snowflame, but thats just because he's Snowflame. For the most part, Everyone else is their normal selves. Because of this, things may go a bit differently than you expect.

Wonderland and Spiderman

'**_Plants talk to me sometimes, but they're terrible conversationalists. It's always something like, give us water Cell, get me out of the shade Cell, spill the blood of the innocent on us to act as fertilizer Cell._**'

'**_Hello, Cell, would you mind coming back to earth with the rest of us, please_**?' Think talked Robin.

'**_Dude... You need Help_**."

I ignored the impenetrable Wall Man's think talk as I turned my attention to Miss Martian.

'**_So question, what is the opinion of Martians on War of the Worlds_**?'

Miss Martian mind sighed.

'_**It's...complicated. On the one hand many Martians find it slightly off putting and borderline offensive. On the other the Martians, in the book that is, happen to coincidentally resemble the Sand Squids from the southern hemisphere, and their temperament matches the characterization of the Martians in the book, minus the sapience**_.'

'**_Really_**?'

'**_Really, there actually is a theory that Jules Verne may have been a nascent psychic of some kind_**.'

'**_Huh, neat_**.'

...

I wonder if Jays 'Homeboy fucked a Martian once' rant from Clerks 2 existed in this universe.

...

I hope it did.

...

Anyway Think Talking was certainly a novel experience, mostly because now they were reduced to voices in my head. I certainly didn't envy this group who got to share thoughts with me... Ha, that meant both that I was inside them, and they were inside me. Telepathic orgy.

'_**We can hear your internal monologue Cell.**_" Think said Artemis annoyed.

I could feel the embarrassment coming from Miss Martian and the Relatable Wall Man. They were staring at me with unreadable expressions but their mind spoke plenty.

'**_Are you narrating right now_**?' Think asked the remedial Wall Man.

Now it was Artemis's turn to mind sigh.

'_**In your mind, every day must be an adventure**_.'

'_**My mind is filled with many secrets that must remain an enigma to everyone, especially me. Less the dark secrets of the universe is revealed**_.'

Dr. Rochette, who was typing at a school computer all things released a wave of annoyance directed at me.

'_**This is it, this is how I'm going to die. Killed by ninjas surrounded by the Justice Jr. Squad and an insane talking bug.**_' Think said Dr. Rochette.

'**_Lady, do you always complain to people trying to help you_**.'

I felt something snarky about to come from Artemis, but as much as I liked her, she could not be funnier than me.

'_**I would like to point out that I'm not insane, I had a tough life doc, I am the only survivor of the greatest warriors in all the universe the Big Bad Beetleborgs before everyone else died of space herpes, I never got to follow my dream to be in a musical after Gerard Butler stole the leading role of Erik in the Phantom of the Opera from me, I turned my ex-girlfriend into a giant cabbage monster, and I don't know if any of what I just said is true... but I believe it**_.'

The Mind Group got quiet after that for a good long moment... Until Robin decided to think speak.

'_**Are you high**_?'

'_**Not since the Snowflame incident. Telepathic cocaine is one hell of a drug**_.'

Kaldur eye'd me warily as I projected my Mind Bullets towards Dr. Rochette. She felt my attention on her and glanced my way.

'_**What**_?' her mind told me she felt annoyance.

'_**About the nanobots. What are the chances of a Grey Goo Scenario**_?'

Rochette rolled her eyes as she did her best to dismiss and ignore me, but she did actually answer my question.

'_**Zero, they cannot self replicate**_.'

'_**Well… You're a responsible scientist, but a terrible mad scientist**_.'

Her annoyance, it tastes of sour burgundy. I didn't even know that annoyance had a taste.. Much less taste like the color burgundy if it was also sour.

'_**Can I not be apart of this mind meld? I think I can feel my sanity draining.**_' Thought Dr. Rochette.

Aqualad turned to Megan before giving her a nod, cutting the Doctor off from our grand unified hive mind. She continued to type away.

'_**So we gonna talk about her behind her back**_?' I asked.

'_**No**_.'

Hearing multiple simultaneous 'NO's' in sync was an interesting experience.

'_**I think I'll just go help Miss Martian and Superboy patrol the perimeter**_.'

'_**Please do**_.' thought Wally with mental venom.

I could feel Artemis's glare at Wally as she left.

Yay for teen drama, where you can angst is you want to, you can angst your teammates away...Suddenly and for no reason at all, I remembered the Song Safety Dance, causing it to get stuck in my head, and consequently everyone else's head.

My exclusion from the Hive Mind was unanimous. Which was a relief, it was my plan from the start to have some privacy in my own mind. With my thoughts my own once more, I could ponder on the wider DC universe without everyone having an existential crisis.

Being apart of a universe where I had only seen three episodes was rather annoying to deal with. If this was Justice League or Justice League Unlimited I'd probably have a better idea of what's going on.

As it stood, I was as lost as a blind minotaur in a hedge maze. I really did wish I watched the show. I could show up at the most opportune of times and use Silver Age nonsense to bullshit my way into a glorious wacky future.

This was the on of, but not the main reason I was uninterested in heroics. Trolling known villains and heroes with my outer universe knowledge was fun, but there was so much wasted entertainment potential brought on by my ignorance.

It was simultaneously frustrating and heartbreaking.

...

Maybe I should see if I can convince Plastic Man (everyone's favorite pervert) to stretch and morph his body into a dress for Wonder Woman to wear... It worked on Big Barda after all... And she even throttled him when she found out, so double points if Wonder Woman were to find out... for mutually assured trolling of course.

* * *

I think I drifted off at some point, but when I awoke when Kid Flash grumbled a bit and clutched his head, then he walked out the room. Must be quite the mental conversation there. So far everything was going about a boring as it could. This wouldn't have been a problem if I could keep only what I wanted to say in our mental conversations, but my tendency to get distracted by asinine thought processes caused other thoughts to bleed through. Potentially giving out information I'd much rather keep to myself.

Bored again, I closed my eyes and extended my Ki senses. I could also feel Superboy and Robin rapidly leaving the area, presumably on Miss Martians little Bioship. Then I felt someone else enter my range and they were coming this way. Ki senses were a glorious thing. Someone was outside the building right now, hiding in the bushes.

I sat in wait as I felt the presence move closer and closer towards us. Whoever it was, they were quick, I suppose I should expect that from a ninja. They had managed to bypass Artemis and Miss Martian and was making their way through the building. Kid Flash was somewhere in the hall fairly close to the signature and based on what I was feeling, seems to have seen the presence. He was moving at Flash Speeds down the hallways before stopping just as fast. His signature dimmed slightly, but only slightly. I'm not sure why, but he was masked a bit more from my senses.

I was about to go after him to make sure he was alright, I mean I didn't want him to get hurt or anything, but the intruder was moving quickly away from him and it didn't take whoever it was very long to get outside the door, which I noticed just opened a bit.

I could hear the sound of something flying through air, and apparently so did Aqualad, who had moved in the projectiles way, apparently heading towards Dr. Rochette. The shock actually caused me to drop my Ki senses, but I didn't manage to catch the weapons, which appeared to be shurikens, with my telekinesis.

"Doctor Get Down." said Aqualad as he used his Waterbending sword thingies to make water lightsabers. Several more shurikens came through, some heading right towards me the others towards Rochette. I didn't even dodge, just focussing on stopping the shurikens heading towards Rochette. The ones headed for me just bounced off my exoskeleton.

"Well, that was rude." I said as I looked back to the door.

Then a crazy Ninja bitch ran through the door, holding Sai's of all things. I wasn't quite sure what she was planning, but Aqualad proved to be very skilled with those swords. It was actually fun to watch, so much so that I wish I had some popcorn. Sword Fights are always fun to watch.

As I tried to think of who it was that crashed the party. Plus watching Aqualad fight was a spectacle in and of itself.

"ARE YOU JUST GOING TO SIT THERE!" screamed Dr. Rochette as she crawled away from the fight.

Huh, got distracted again, alright...Oh, I know who that is. That's Cheshire. I knew I recognized her, though the costume was a bit off, her mask looked more like an Oni version of a cat than a real cat...

That mystery solved I prepared my attack.

I lifted a finger and using the same telekinesis Cell used to build his tournament arena, Cheshire flew up, and up, and up through the ceiling and into the sky. Aqualad stopped Mid swing when he realized his opponent just rocketed off into space.. He was looking through the new Skylight Cheshire made on the way out.

In that time I realized what jokes to go for… and I quickly I tore off my own head and regrew it just as quickly, before throwing the old head off to the side on the floor, it would be important later for the lulz. With that done as I looked to my wrist, at my 1,200 dollar watch. A present to myself for the gift of being me.

"Hey Aqualad, get Rochette out of here, I'll take it from here."

Interestingly enough, Aqualad didn't argue with me. Instead he nodded and looked to Rochette, motioning for her to follow him. Considering the situation, she wasn't up for arguing with him. You gotta love chronic hero syndrome. I looked back to my watch.

"Five, Four, Three, Two, aaaand One."

Cheshire landed back on the ground, creating a second Skylight. To her credit she didn't pass out, and seemed more winded than injured. However, now it was just me and her. She was standing on her legs, shaking so lowly that the only reason I noticed was because of my superior eyes, which detected the tiniest hints of pain. Perhaps she wore body armor under that getup.

Cheshire seemed to have gotten her second wind as she glared at me, pulling out a telescopic sword of all things. I uncrossed my arms and hopped off the desk, eyeing the crazy ninja girl as I admired her sword swings.

"Nice." I said as she twirled the sword in her hand and held it at the ready.

"You'll regret that."

I smirked.

"Regret what?"

She swung her sword at me in an expert display. I lifted my left index finger.

I lost said finger.

"You Bitch, that was one of my top ten favorite fingers."

She pointed her sword at me. Mora a threatening display than any real stace, but she quickly entered a new stance that looked like something a professional sword fighter might use. Her eyes narrowed at me.

"Where did they go?"

I smiled, I was hoping she would ask that.

"Where did who go?"

"Dr. Rochette, answer me insect."

"They went that way." I pointed towards the door, window, and closet with my left hand, right hand, and another ex-hand held in my tail respectively.

"Enough games."

"What games?"

She swung her sword at me again. This time I put up the same finger which had already regrown. What Cheshire didn't know was I actually had cracked the exoskeleton on that finger before she swung to make sure it fell off. Mostly so I could use the top 10 fingers joke. This time however, the sword stopped when it came in contact with my finger. I smiled as I saw the slight widening of eyes but Cheshire recovered in an instant Cheshire, who wasn't even slowed, used her momentum to spin her sword around and bring it down horizontally through my neck… I didn't dodge.

The sword made contact with my shell, and to her dawning bafflement broke in half as soon as it hit its mark. She stared at her broken sword in shock as she looked back to me. Clearly something like this had never happened to her before. I smirked. She was about to reach in her outfit for another weapon before noticing I was standing like I was balancing on one leg.

"Can you stand on your head?"

As if by reflex, she looked down… to see me standing on my own discarded head with my claw like talons on one foot wrapped around it, the other raised to keep my balance. She actually took a step back when she realized what it was, but managed to prepare her weapons.

"You're crazy." she said as she took out her pair of Sais.

"Almost everyone is mad here Cheshire. You might have noticed I'm not all there , ha ha ha..." I said as I moved so fast I left an after image, which quickly vanished, with my voice slowly dying out. I had managed to move to a nice dark spot in the room where I could keep Cheshire in sight, while hopefully keeping me out of hers.

"This isn't funny!"

Objectively wrong Cheshire, and even if it wasn't, this was fun.

Unfortunately all good things must come to an end, she tossed a smoke bomb down at her feet, quickly leaving the area. Ki senses power activate! I could potentially track her, she appeared to be making liberal use of the ventilation system, but I felt Miss Martian and Kid Flash elsewhere in the building.

I skipped towards their location, where I saw Miss Martian giving Kid Flash mouth to mouth. He shot up almost as soon as he entered my vision, coughing up pool water before inhaling slowly and deeply to catch his breath. It didn't take long for him to realize what happened, someone got knocked out and thrown into the Pool. Well now at least I know what it means when I sense someone's signature dimming. As Kid Flash slowly realized what just happened, he started to smiling a bit more than usual as he dreamily stared at Miss Martian.

"Best. Rescue. Ever."

"You know that since that is a School pool you probably had a little bit of pee in your mouth right?" I said as I entered the room.

Kid Flash and Miss Martian looked to me as I barged on in. Wally's eyes widened and he started coughing again. I nodded to Miss Martian.

"Sup other green?"

"Cell? Where is the Doctor? Where is Aqualad?" asked Miss Martian as she helped steady Kid Flash who now seemed to be retching.

I shrugged.

"I told them to run, didn't think to ask where."

Miss Martian nodded before she took a deep breath and closed her eyes focussing on her telepathy I guessed. Kid Flash managed to get to his feet, still coughing a little bit. He seemed to notice he was covered in possible pee water, and wasted no time to start vibrating at such speeds he dried himself off. Mundane utility, but convenient nonetheless.

It was at this time I was invited back into the Hive Mind. Megan opened her eyes as I heard the mind voice of Aqualad.

'_**Glad to hear everyone is back. Cell, did you manage to get our would be assassin**_.'

'_**Heh, you said Ass twice**_.'

'_**This is serious Cell**_'

'_**I'll have to take your word for it. She ninja'd away**_.'

I could feel Aqualads frustration growing.

'_**You just let her get away**_!' accused the Inflexible Wall Man.

'_**I did? Huh, I didn't know I did that.**_' I said, much to Wally's chagrin.

'_**This isn't a game Cell. Please stop acting like a child**_.' thought spoke Kaldur.

'**If you insist… No promises though**."

We flew off, with Kid Flash quickly following after Megan, I wasn't that far behind.

'_**So where did Superboy and Robin go anyway**_?' I asked.

'**_Seriously? Are you serious?_**' said Kid Flash.

'_**I dozed off a bit**_.'

'_**They went to follow after the Fog**_.' said Megan.

I actually forgot about the Baby Gray Goo.

I knew where this was going. First the nanobots eat data, then they start learning, then they replicate. The next thing you know the goo starts to maximize paperclip production until everything is paperclips, paperclips as far as the eye can see, but the tragedy is there would be no more papers to clip, because the trees are now paperclips.

And thus the end comes not with a bang, nor a whimper, but with the world's most reviled microsoft mascot… Stupid animated paperclip, telling me shit I already know while being intrusive and annoying… Fuck you Clippy.

Well since we're all gonna die a horrible gooey death anyway, might as well think up more Alice in Wonderland jokes to make when Cheshire comes back.

* * *

So the Goo ate the Philadelphia branch of S.T.A.R. Labs. Thankfully Robin assured me there was no signs of Paperclips. Unfortunately Rochette had to find the Fog again, and thus we had a plan. Or the team did, I just stood around looking beautiful in the room with Kid Flash and Artemis as "Dr. Rochette" typed away. Note the quotation.

I could feel some tension in the Hive Mind between Artemis and Kid Flash. I think something happened after I was exiled from the Hive Mind last time, and I wasn't there to share think it. Figured it was time to have an intervention.

'_**Yo, Impractical Wall Man, what is your beef with Artemis anyway?**_'

'_**She shouldn't be here, and neither should you.**_'

Aqualad, who had just told "Miss Martian" to make a sweep of the area, interrupted my intervention.

'_**Can we please not do this now. There are much more important things at stake**_'

'_**Settle down Nemo, I can sense if anyone approaches. So don't get your… Oh hey there is someone above you**_.'

Oh, that had to hurt, but all went according to plan. Apparently Aqualad getting his ass kicked was a vital part of said plan. I recognized the signature of Cheshire, but the other two were a mystery. Everyone else feigned ignorance as someone barged through the door and…

…

IS THAT FUCKING SPIDERMAN!

Did fucking Spiderman fucking spidermanned into the room like he was fucking Spiderman? It actually took me a moment to process this.

...Processing…

...Processing…

Execute

I knew who I was targeting.

Spiderman was on the ceiling, ready and posed to spiderman (yes, spiderman can be a verb) our asses, but Spiderman never had time to spiderman as I tore through the air and the wall at… eh about Mach 2, all while grabbing onto him. Out the building we went and up, up, and away'd into the sky. He obviously didn't expect this is his kicking and screaming were anything to go by. We were still moving before we were up really, really, really, REALLY high up. Like above the clouds.

With a bit of maneuvering, I released Spiderman and let my momentum carry him before I quickly managed to get one of my hands around his neck and dangle him at about 50,000 feet up.

Spiderman tried to throw a punch, but they didn't really have any weight behind them. I looked him in his Spider face and smiled.

"Hello there… _friend_."

He struggled a bit but I didn't squeeze hard enough to cut off oxygen.

"Wait, are you the guy who… Oh… Um, any chance of a musical number?"

"I have just the song actually." I said as I looked down, then back into his eyes.

"_Spiderman, Spiderman getting dropped by the big bug man._" I said as I let go.

The fucker actually managed to sling a web to attach to my leg, preventing himself from falling.

This… This was just perfect.

Seeing as I was the only thing between Spiderman and death by falling, I decided to fly in circles and loops as fast as I could.

"_Spins a web, any size  
Gonna seize as we go real high_."

He was screaming now as I started breaking the sound barriers sound barrier. I don't think he appreciated that, but I did eventually slow down enough so my voice would reach his ears.

"_Loooook Out, we're flying with the Spiderman_."

"MY NAME IS BLACK SPIDER!" said Spiderman as he severed the web.

I flew above him as I put my arms behind my head and assumed a relaxed pose, almost like I was leaning on a chair. I quickly caught up with him, before matching the speed he was falling at.

I watched with glee as he looked to be trying to spin a web parachute. Clever.

"So how's Aunt May?"

Spiderman was ignoring me… Not very nice of him.

"Hey if I call you Webhead can you call me the Scorpion?"

"FUCK OFF BUG!"

"Oh, but it's only our first date. Maybe we should get a bit more…._comfortable_."

I blasted his parachute with a simple Ki ball as I extended my tail to wrap around his abdomen. Then I pulled him in close.

"Two choices Tiger, spank me like I'm Mary Jane, or end up like Gwen. Your choice."

Spiderman was panicking now, and took out a knife hidden on his person and proceeded to stab me repeatedly, well he attempted to, It broke after his third strike. That was not a spank.

"Gwen it is then!" I said as I let him go.

He yelped as I watched him fall. I was keeping close enough to him as I waited for the inevitable epic spider maneuver, and thankfully he did not disappoint. As we began to approach an elevation equal to the Sky scrapers, Spiderman began to move, twisting his body as he threw an arm out pointing it at a building and shooting out a web… OH MY GOD HE EVEN SWINGS ON WEBS. This was a happy day.

At the highest arch in his pendulum swing, I flew closer to Spiderman and observed the web flying magnificent copyright infringing maniac. He let go of the web as he reached the apex of his swing, using his momentum as he raised his leg up high over his head and brought it down on me in a textbook axe kick.

Again, without superhuman strength, all it did was tickle, and he resumed falling for about two seconds later. He wasted no time shooting a web past me to anchor him to a nearby building, and yanked himself towards me, to get himself into a flying kick.

"So do you use the webs for bondage?" I asked as his kick hit me in the abdomen, doing about as well as a bullet would against superman which was to say not very.

He quickly caught himself by tossing a web my way, which I leaned out of the way of. It hit a building and he started to swing again. Moving in a horizontal arch, which was simple enough for me to follow.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"

"Tiger, we'd be here all day if I answered that question. Say you ever sold your marriage to the devil?"

Spiderman twisted off his web, attempting to deliver a fucking spin kick to my chest. He really didn't seem to grasp that he didn't have the strength to do much to me. He delivered the kick and used me as a springboard to get his momentum going into a nice pendulum swing.

Again, I kept up quite easily.

Man I loved the power of flight.

"So does that outfit ride up in the arach-nads?"

Spiderman was spider mad. He flipped ofd his web and pulled out a series of throwing daggers and just threw them at me. I laughed as they bounced off. Really, this was not even fair. The League of Shadows were not prepared for something like Cell, that was for sure.

Then he tossed his last knife, aiming for my head. It didn't register until I lost my depth perception that he had aimed for my eye. That did it.

"Ow." I said as I gripped the handle of the blade in an attempt to pull it out. I wasn't prepared for Spiderman to kick me in the face, driving the knife deeper unto my bug face.

"Not so tough now are OH MY GOD!" screamed Spiderman as he almost lost his grip on his web.

The cause of his momentary spike of fear was me tearing off my own head, and throwing it at him. Sadly without eyes I couldn't tell if it hit, but I managed to rush the regrowth process. To bad in my headless state I slammed myself right into a building.

When my head regrew not long after that, I had lost Spiderman…Presumably he ran off with Jerry the Jaguar.

I miss him already.

Well, I suppose I had my fun. I rocketed back to where we were before. Which actually took a bit longer than I expected. Like two or three extra seconds.

Again, I love the power of flight.

I saw the building where "Dr. Rochette" was stashed. Again, note the quotation.

I decided to make my entrance… at about mach 1…. Though the ceiling.

"OH YEAH!" I screamed as I merrily crashed on through to see Miss Martian and Kid Flash fighting… ok, now I'm confused. Why would an organization of Ninjas higher a Pirate? Weren't the ninjas and pirates mortal enemies.

Did the internet lie to me again?

The Pirate, who had a mecha Hook arm somehow had noticed my incredibly stealthy entrance of smashing through the roof. He looked at me before shooting his ROCKET POWERED HOOK OF ULTIMATE MAYHEM, HOLY SHIT THAT IS AWESOME… Oh right, it was coming at me.

Well you probably know this old song and dance, the Hook slides right off my exoskeleton, causing him some alarm judging by his face. At that moment I became the world's greatest distraction as Kid Flash Mach Punched the Pirate in the face sending him flying. Miss Martian telekinetically. Grabbed the Hook at the same time and literally flew it in circles around him. I should note that said hook had a tether that connected it to the pirates arm, so it made for a convenient rope. Safe to say he wasn't getting out of that one.

"Thanks for the distraction." said Kid Flash as he brushed off his hands.

"I am pretty distracting. It's a gift."

"Uh huh, c'mon, we gotta go meet Kaldur." said Kid Flash as he rocketed out of the building.

I looked to Miss Martian, who lifted the pirate off the ground with her mind and we followed after the fast guys. it didn't take long for us to get to the real location we stashed the real doc. Sadly Artemis was standing outside, looking into the distance, so there was really no reason to smash through the wall.

That made me sad…

Aqualad was talking to Artemis as the Heretical Wall Man was throwing a hissy fit at Artemis.

I will continue to call him the (Word that rhymes with incredible) Wall Man when he's in one of these moods.

"...what about you, where is the spider guy?" Asked Wally.

I shrugged.

"I can only hope Imanaged to give him several traumatic memories, but before I could gift wrap him for you he stabbed me in the eye and got away."

"Stabbed you in the…. What?"

"Regeneration is a wonderful thing."

"Great, that's two villains who got away because of you two."

Artemis looked ready to punch the little shit before Kaldur put a hand on the Theatrical Wall Mans shoulder.

I wasn't really paying attention to what was said, as I was far more interested in the incoming World's Finest junior duo of Superboy and Robin who were incoming with a… cybernetic cyclops man in tow.

Man the League of Shadows has some weird members. When Spiderman and Cheshire are your most normal members, you have messed up big time.

"The Fog has been deactivated, I think we can call this one a win." Said Robin.

I agreed.

All in all, I got to meet Spiderman, So I counted today as a resounding success. To bad I didn't find Cheshire again, I had some more Alice in Wonderland jokes to toss her way.

* * *

The ride back to the Mountain Hall of Justice or whatever it was called was a tense one. Kid Flash seemed to be somewhat calmer but I could tell something was on his mind.

I decided to enlighten the team with my glorious tales of Me versus Spiderman.

"...So we were about 50,000 feet in the air, the clouds tasted of butter and tears. I suggested Skydiving, and Spiderman was reluctant but he really didn't have much of a choice. Eventually he realized his leet ninja skillz were insufficient, after all ninjas can't catch you when they're falling at terminal velocity. Anyway he started throwing throwing knives...That's a bit redundant, I mean why call them throwing knives, I know you throw them but it makes describing it odd...Throwing throwing knives, see you have to use the word throwing twice.. If I ever get a time machine I'm going to go back in time and invent them under the name zippy swooshing hell daggers. So Spiderman was throwing zippy swooshing hell daggers at me and I lost my eye. Probably could have made a Nick Fury Joke, but I was busy tearing off my own head for the second time today…All in all, not a bad day. I think any heroics I pulled is bare minimum, so I'm not going to count it. Which is good, keeps my record intact."

"THAT IS IT!" Said Kid Flash as he slammed his hand on his armrest.

He stood up to look at me his body language hostile and his tone accusatory.

"You are a disgrace, you behave as if everything we do and stand for is a big joke. You mock everyone around you and you can't take anything seriously. We at least try and make the world better, all you do is belittle everyone in eyesight. You have the power to make a real difference, but you just want to sit around on your thumbs and annoy everyone around you. Red Arrow was right, you Cell are a _FUCKING_ coward."

I stared at Kid Flash… Wally for a good long moment. I really didn't want to have to be serious, but desperate times...

Shit is about to get real.

"I am making the world a better place, or at least a more interesting place to live in. Everything is just so dark and gloomy that I can't stand it. I'm just injecting a bit of humor into the equation. As for my reluctance towards hero antics, it isn't cowardice that makes it unappealing to me. There is a much more important reason I don't want to be a hero."

My voice carried not an ounce of mockery or humor. It was as serious a tone as I could manage. The effects were immediate. Everyone was looking at me in stunned silence and mild bewilderment. They probably weren't used to my serious face. I didn't lose steam.

"Tell me Wally, have you ever heard of the Superhero Paradox?"

Kid Flash was looking at me now with an expression I couldn't quite place. There was confusion in it, but also curiosity and something else I couldn't put my finger on. He wasn't the only one, I had the room's full undivided attention.

Wally shook his head.

"The Superhero Paradox goes like this. Superheroes try to make the world safer for innocents, but in the long term, they seem to make the world more dangerous."

"What do you mean? We only try and help." Said Megan.

"You mean well, but your mere existence invites opposition. You attract supervillains, you capture them, and they eventually escape and they will either always escape or a new one will rise to take his place. Rinse and repeat. You become a crutch as well, you inspires helplessness in civilians, after all if a problem presents itself why bother doing anything when the next superhero is right around the corner. You also inspire recklessness from normal people inspired by your deeds to emulate your heroic deeds, often with disastrous results, causing more harm than good."

"But..."

"I'm not finished. Human kind has existed for a very long time, before there was superheroes, there wasn't many villains, or at least not supervillains. How many potentially world-ending events happened before superheroes? Considering the world is still here and superheroes are a relatively recent phenomena, I'd wager not very many. Just a few weeks ago a madman tried to blot out the sun, and that's just the most recent."

Superboy stood up, anger clearly on his face.

"So what, are you saying that that stuff is our fault somehow?" Asked Superboy with a hint of accusation thrown in my face, like he was daring me to say it again.

I was more than happy to.

To quote Vision in Captain America Civil War.

"I'm saying there may be causality. Your very strength invites challenge. Challenge incites conflict. And conflict... breeds catastrophe."

It was quiet after that...

I hate it when shit gets real.

Of course none of this was truly their fault. From a Doylist perspective, the reason was quite obvious why the Superhero paradox existed. The authors and readers of the series, they wanted to read and write interesting stories. So things had to escalate and villains couldn't die...The fans would lose their shit if the Joker just died. Even in the Arkham Asylum trilogy, they killed the Joker in the Second game, and yet they still found a way to include the Joker in the last game. Batman was haunted by the ghost of the Joker… well not really a ghost, but a traumatic manifestation brought on by Batmans guilt or...something… Mind Wraith, the Joker was a Mind Wraith.

Even from a Watsonian perspective, the Superhero Paradox has been analyzed over and over and over again in comics and other media. Different reasons have come up time and time again. Some made sense and some didn't.

Really It just depended on which side of the 4th Wall you lived on.

There will always be villains, because there has to be villains for the hero to overcome. It's one of the reasons for my Silver Age hijinks. After the Justice League and Justice League Unlimited, my favorite DC based show was Batman: The Brave and the Bold, which in many ways was a celebration of the absurdity of the Silver Age.

The Silver Age of comic books were a wonderful time, where reality took a turn for the ludicrous, I mean this was the Age that gave us the The Adam West Batman Series. Naive and visionary all in one. Where there was no need for such things as logic or justification for the absurd.

The best part about it, it was silly. So very very silly.

If I had any goal, it was to be the spirit of that bizarre, wacky, and wonderful age.

Also because it was fun.

* * *

The Superhero Paradox thing had been bothering me, thanks Wall Man... I figured that the best way to stop the niggling idea from doing unpleasant things to my mind was to talk to someone who lived it. I decided on Red Tornado. I explained the Paradox to him and to his credit he never interrupted me or dismissed anything, and when I was done he seemed to think.

"_I must admit, you are far more introspective than I had initially believed_."

"What can I say, I'm crazy, not stupid."

"_Quite. This paradox you mention does have some merit, perhaps we as heroes are partially to blame for the very problems we solve._"

"So does that bother you at all?"

"_Not particularly. To clarify, there are several threats that would have happened whether heroes existed or not. Cataclysmic asteroids for instance. Regardless, Pandora's Box has already been opened, and there is no shutting it. It is to late for us to stop, so we might as well strive to make the world a better place as best we can. We aren't infallible, but we do try. I believe that is important_."

"That's actually a good point, look at you Red, being all smart and shit."

"_Quite. I also must apologize_."

"For what exactly?" I asked.

"_I assumed your antics was for your own enjoyment, at the detriment of anyone else and while that is partially true, you are making the world a less bleak place. Did you know your encounter with Catwoman has become a viral phenomenon_?"

"Can't say I did. Thats neat."

"_Many found the video entertaining. In a way, you did bring a little more enjoyment into the world_."

I smiled, as well as my bug face let me.

"You know what Red, I think you're my favorite Leaguer."

He quirked his head before nodding.


	7. Cell and Red Tornados Ex-Cell-ent Advent

A/N: WARNING! The following chapter contains Inexplicable Amounts of Awesome, Heavy Metal Music, Pile drivers, Puns, Magical Shenanigans, Inter-dimensional Shenanigans, Shenanigany Shenanigans, UNLIMITED POWAH!, Motorcycles, Eldritch Abominations, and shit normally found on a Meatloaf album cover.

Reader Discretion is advised.

**Cell and Red Tornados Ex-Cell-ent Adventure **

Chi for Dummies was an interesting book to say the least. Though I hated how it referred to me by name and subtly insulted me. As such, I chose to put it down real fast. Of course eventually I got bored. Walked around to discover something to pass the time. The Team wasn't here, they were busy doing missions or something. That left me with an unused Snotgun which I put on my dresser for now. Seeing as boredom came, I decided to visit with my best friend Red Tornado.

Finding him was rather easy, seeing as he usually travels via tornado. Hence the name. He was looking at his holographic computer thingy at a picture of some old guy I had never seen before... But he looked familiar.

"Sup Red, who's that?"

"_This is Kent Nelson. A friend. He has been missing for 22 days. Normally not a cause for alarm, but Kent is caretaker to the Helmet of Fate._"

"Oh, I thought he looked familiar. Dr. Fate right?"

"_The very same._"

"So you worried about him?"

"_You could say that_."

"Well, the kids are out, what's say you and me go on a road trip to check up. We could bond over our rebellion against our creators."

"_I do have duties to attend to_."

"Alright, look at it this way. If you get a call from the League, you can get to the nearest Zeta Beam thing. Either nothing is wrong, and we can come back, or if something is wrong, well I'm sure you, me, and assuming he is there the magician can handle it."

Red Tornado seemed to think on that. It didn't take long before he made up his mind.

"_Very Well_."

"Whoo, Road Trip!"

* * *

It actually wasn't much of a road trip when you use teleportation to get there. Normally that would have me a little bit depressed, but I found something to occupy my time with.

"D'awww. Who's a good kitty, you're a good kitty. Yes you are."

The adorable little thing hissed and bit at my fingers, which did absolutely nothing.

"Awww, feisty little thing aren't you."

I picked up the cat and continued petting it under protest.

"I'm gonna name you Jerry Jr."

"_The location is here._" Said Red Tornado as he put a key into absolutely nothing, though as soon as he turned it the nothing became a something.

"Ohhh, nice Sanctum Sanctorum."

"_Quite_."

Jerry Jr. continued in vain to escape my grasp as we walked through.

"Jerry Jr. stop or I'm putting you inside my body." I say as my tail funnels out.

The cat seemed to be smarter than the average bear, since as soon as I did that it calmed down enough so I could give her scritches and belly rubs. The inside of the Sanctum Sanctorum was rather bare. Stone walls with absolutely no furniture.

Then a ghost appeared. I recognized it immediately

"Oh, sorry about your friend Red. He's haunting this place now. If you want to perform an exorcism I can get us some TNT."

Explosions were the best method of exorcising spirits. Try haunting a house when the house is gone.

"Hello Red Tornado, who is this... Gentlemen?"

"_This is Cell. Kent Nelson has not contacted the League for 22 days. We are here to check on him_."

"Last I heard he was going to New Orleans."

"Ok, whatever it is I swear I haven't been back. It wasn't me, it was probably Snowflame."

The Ghost of Kent Nelson looked to me, before his eyes fell to Twinkle. He stared at Jerry Jr. for a minute before he vanished.

"What was that abou...JERRY JR. NOOOOO!"

I... Did not cry as Jerry leaps from my arms to cause the once bare room shifted slightly and the cat ran off into a corridor that was not there before.

…

I already miss him.

"WHY DOES EVERYTHING I LOVE RUN!"

The Ghost of Kent Nelson, eternally trapped in his own home appeared.

"Sorry about that, saw the familiar had to bulk up the defenses… Where is the familiar?"

"The what now?"

"The cat. It had a lot of magic flowing off it. No doubt about it, it was a familiar."

…

"I have a familiar now?"

The ghost looked me up and down, before shaking his head.

"I highly doubt it's yours. If it was, you would know."

"Riiiight."

"_Is this familiar trouble_?"

"Potentially, depends on who it belongs to. Shouldn't be much of a problem though. This is not a place you want to get lost in, and the defenses will be sufficient in dealing with it should it be a problem."

"Alright, that is nice and all, but if Kent isn't here, then maybe we can at least confirm the Helmet of Fate isn't… gone or something, I don't know."

"_That would be a wise course of action_."

Red Tornado turned to the ghost.

"_Is the Helmet Safe_?"

"It should be..."

The image of Kent Nelson began to flash, shift through a variety of shapes and colors, before it vanished. Me and Red stared at the spot for a moment before turning to face each other.

"_That has never happened before_."

"So Not good?"

"_Yes, the likelihood is high_."

The air grew colder as the sound of a kid chuckling as creepy as possible filled the room. The shadow of a cat was cast from somewhere else as the world melted into an M.C. Escher nightmare. Stairs, so many stairs. Doors to, some of the doors were also stairs, some of the stairs might have been doors.

On a balcony that was hanging out in the middle, a kid with the most… punchable face I ever saw stood tall over us. Standing next to him was either a Pirate or David Copperfield. And between them both was…

"Oh hey look Red, Your friend is still alive."

Kent Nelson, who was bound looked down at us, and tried to say something, but was cut off when the punchable kid teleported before us. It was only now I realized his hair made him look like even more of an asshole. He smiled a crooked smile as he observed us with the most playful movements he could manage.

"Hello there, name's Klarion, some call me the Witch Boy." he said as he circled us like a shark. He stopped before Red Tornado, who looked ready to pounce at any given moment.

"You I recognize, the Android who defected to the Justice Society."

Then he turned to me. My god even his voice made me hate him.

"You not so much…. You smell like void... And my cat."

Yes… That explains everything. I was actually not legally binding in any way. It all makes sense now. However, despite this revelation that I wanted to say out loud for comedic purposes, I did something else.

...

I punched him in the face as hard as I could.

I don't think he expected that, and I know I don't know this kid... But that face, with that voice, and that hair… Yeah, it was satisfying. Plus he was obviously evil. At this point David Copperfield sprung into action and attacked with his stupid wand thing, summoning lightning against me. The electricity tingled a bit against my less armored parts, but that was about it. Red Tornado took off towards him as he attempted to rescue his friend Kent. David Copperfield wove his wand over Kent, causing him to disappear. Red Tornado did not like that AT ALL because as soon as Kent disappeared the entire room was surrounded in tornadoes of various sizes. A windstorm of epic proportions blew me and Klarions respective suits as we glared at each other.

"I'm going to K-I-Hockey Stick-Hockey Stick you now.."

Interesting way of letting someone know.. OH GOD THE PAIN!

This bratty little snot reached into my own chest as fast as I could see and was now holding my still beating heart. I stared at the hole in my chest for a moment.

He crushed my heart... What was this Indiana Jones? Mortal Kombat? Did he think he was a Black Lantern or something? It wasn't even that original.

"Well that was fun." He said as he turned to Red Tornado, who was doing very well against David Copperfield actually. It looked like Red Tornado was choking him by forcing the air out of his lungs as he tore through the various twisting stairs to get to the man, before he could pass out however, Klarion lifted his arms, summoning crimson energy that seemed to negate the windstorms.

"Abra Kadabra, lets…"

I tapped on his shoulder. He turned around to look at me in utter bewilderment.

"Wha…"

I couldn't help it. His face, my fist, they met. It was SO much better the second time. I flicked my hand a few times. I actually hit him hard enough to hurt my hand. Still worth it.

"My god everything about you just pisses me off." I said as he began to growl.

He narrowed his eyes. Red Tornado was about to fly/slam into him for maximum damage, but the Witch Boy disappeared. Impressively enough, Red Tornado managed to stop on a dime only a moment before he would have slammed into me.

"Ok, Kid Gloves are off." he said as he floated into the sky.

Wait a minute sky? When did we go outside?

Where did the Escher stairs go? Where even were we? It looked like a clearing in the middle of a forest. Were we still in the tower?

...

The fuck was going on?

Klarion rose higher and higher as space actually started tearing apart. I mean more than it already was. David Copperfield, who I now knew was the fusion of the pokemon Abra and Kadabra twirled his little wand over his own head. His face screamed 'OH SHIT' as red lightning began to tear the sky apart in an otherworldly tempest of pure red death.

That was when shit got crazy… again.

* * *

This evil kid was on another level entirely. Like, at least Final Boss material. Still about as mature as I was, which wasn't much.

"EAT LASER CATS!"

The aforementioned laser cats were, as the name implied, cats made entirely of lasers. They were fast as all hell, and left annoying burn marks everywhere they went. Red Tornado attempted to keep them at bat with an F-5 tornado, apparently Red was far FAR more awesome when he had some leg room to work with. Still wasn't sure how we got outside. However the laser cats were largely unaffected, possibly due to being made of lasers.

However the extreme conditions created by Red Tornado caused the lasers fired by the Laser Cats cute little paws to diffuse and miss a lot more than they probably would have. Their laser capacity diminished as I started Death Beam spamming my green ass off. Lasers coming from my eyes, my fingers, and my stinger tail. These attacks actually seemed to hit, presumably based on comics principle of 'like hurts like' but I wasn't complaining about how my beams should be going through something made of photons..

Evil Bruce Almighty proceeded to reject our reality and substitute his own. Which wasn't all that impressive in a universe where some people can know about the speed of light and then arbitrarily ignore it because of the magical speed dimension.

Then again, I was a Dragonball Z character. Who was I to judge.

Klarion, who was obviously still very upset with my fist greeting clenched his fists as his laser cats did nothing. He roared in frustration as the chaotic tempest above expanded in all directions. Then he tore open a portal in spacetime to another dimension. That was when this crazy shit went even crazier than ever before.

...

But hot damn it was awesome.

The army of cyborg heavy metal surf ninjas came through the portal without warning, carried on crashing waves created through the power of Rock! They headbanged dancing plasma katanas into existence. They required a bit of finesse to avoid. They were power-chording us into submission. We were clearly outmatched. Their Metal was too strong, and their riffs so sick that their Mohawks caught fire and shaped itself into gorgeous dancing women made of FIRE.

However the water made from their songs turned out to be really REALLY epic and Red Tornado turned it against them when he began spinning to create a waterspout of pure concentrated awesome. Seeing as things just took a turn for volatile awesomeness, I knew the only way to survive was something equally insane, improbable, and absolutely inexplicable.

I knew what I had to do.

"Yo Surf Ninjas, KISS my ass." I screamed as I rode the lightning, threw the horns, and with my telekinesis, I snatched an electric guitar from one of the Heavy Metal Cyborg Surf Ninjas.

I could feel the power coursing through my veins, and forbidden eldritch knowledge of metal passed down by Odin and Zeus themselves revealed itself to me as I attempted to turn the Power of Rock against the Cyborg Surf Ninjas. Stealing from a Surf Ninja was a dirty deed, one done dirt cheap as all theft is. No doubt they wouldn't appreciate it, but it was our only shot. I beheld my axe. It was a Guitar/AMP hybrid with the appearance of a skeletal dragon made of metal. only the most worthy of rockers could wield.

I had been judged worthy.

"Ya'll bitches 'bout to get _Thunderstruck_!"

Hell fire flew from the neck of my electric axe as I used the opening portions of Thunderstruck to bring down the might of AC/DC.

The Cyborg Surf Ninjas however proved to be masters of their craft. Releasing blasts of Norwegian Death Metal to summon hordes of flaming serpents wrapped around ruby eyed skulls with bat wings that spat out something that was neither laser nor lightning, but only the most awesomest components of both distilled into beams of concentrated Megadeth. Red Tornado, thanks to the Song Water trapped in his twister, managed to keep the skulls at bay. His tornado sang with a heavy metal rendition of Chubby Checker's The Twist. Such was the power of the rock storm that it literally melted the faces off the Cyborg Surf Ninjas, revealing the metal terminator skulls beneath. However I knew he could only hold off so so long.

By this point the Rock had become too much for certain things to exist. My suit for example was deemed unworthy of such splendor and immediately caught fire and turned into a swarm of tiny dragons who flew through the cacophony with ease.

I will miss you tiny suit dragons.

As I shredded through Thunderstruck, I rocked a flaming Jesse "The Body" Ventura into being, who brought with him a gang of Mongols on motorcycles and Lead Zeppelins to piledrive, elbow drop, and body slam the skulls into submission, which was really impressive as the skulls had no bodies of their own. The cybernetic surf ninjas however did. They were felled as the Mongols steamrolled over them like an angry tide. Soon there were no more cyborg surf ninjas. Before he disappeared Jesse "The Body" Ventura turned to me and nodded.

"Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat." said Jesse "The Body" Ventura as the most awesome of moments came to an end.

I will remember your words Mr. Ventura. I shall strive to live by them.

The hybrid fantastical adrenaline pumping battle/rock opera was over. The portal above had fizzled out, and I turned to see Klarion looking at me with not even trying to suppress levels of rage. There was actual literal steam coming out of his ears.

Worth it.

"Ya know...I don't even know how to play guitar."

"Is that so?" he said with a wicked smile.

"I don't need no instructions to know how to Rock!"

"Oh please, anyone can play a magic guitar."

Red Tornado flew down and landed next to me.

"_That was highly improbable_."

"Magic, whatcha gonna do." I said with a shrug.

"This." Said Klarion as he snapped his fingers. The ground exploded. From below came the unholy love child of a graboid and a kraken. It was also about the size of the empire state building. So big it was in its hugeness, that it Probably could have killed us with its flab alone.

Considering we didn't have a Burt Gummer or a Greek Demigod, this wasn't looking good.

"Did you two really think you had a chance?"

Well... Actually the thought never occurred to me at all. Though now that he mentioned it... Probably not. Dude twisted reality into twizzler pretzels after all. I mean he was powerful. As strong as I was, being Cell and all, it obviously wasn't enough... I wonder? How impulsively stupid is Klairon? He seemed like a show off to me. Could his own attitude be his downfall? Find out next time on Dragonball Z...

Or maybe I could appeal to his need to show how much better he is than everyone else. I mean it worked on Vegeta right?

"If I had my Perfect form, you'd be toast."

Klairon looked to me with an inquisitive stare. The bait was dangling, all he had to do was bite.

"Perfect form?"

"Oh yeah, I bet I could beat even you with it."

He smiled.

"Is that so?"

"Yep, totally could. If only my brother and sister Android 17 and Android 18 were here. I'd turn into my Perfect form and kick your skinny ass all over the place. You wouldn't stand a chance in hell."

Klarion seemed to think on it for a second. He tapped his finger on his chin, before his eyes traveled back to me.

"I know you're playing me… Also I know you're completely wrong... so….Nah."

Well...Shit. I tried.

Klarion raised his hands and prepared to do chaotic things to me.

"Any Last Words?"

"Yeah I got one."

I put my index finger to my forehead as I charged up my Ki...

"Makan..Ko..Sassafras... Oh Fuck it. Special Beam Cannon!"

Needless to say he did not expect a beam of light to drill directly through his chest. Normally I'd try and avoid killing anyone, but it had been a day, and his face made it a lot easier than it otherwise would have. Not that the fist sized hole in his chest was bound to do much. Something told me this kid wasn't a human at all.

That said, the look on his face was the best thing I had seen today.

It was amazing, I imagine that Klarion had that exact same face of pure shock before when I punched him in the face twice, but my fist was in the way at the time. He looked down to his chest where… Was he bleeding snowflakes? Yep, he was bleeding snowflakes. He looked back to he, his shock slowly morphing to confusion as e reached for his chest to cover the hole, then it was pure rage as the hole began to close.

"You die now."

Well, I lived a good life. That said no need to go out like a bitch.

"Yeah well fuck you you obvious Mister Mxyzptlk wannabe."

Klarion, whose hands were glowing red with power and rage, stopped. The glowing of his hands dimmed, and he froze. His eyes widened… I… was very confused at this.

Not that I was complaining mind you. Not dying is one of my favorite things to do.

"How do you know that name? No one should know that name. I made SURE no one would know that name… Oh No." he said in fear.

Suddenly the sky turned into peanut butter…. Oooookay.

"_**Speak of the Devil and in he rides.**_"

It was a great and terrible voice that sounded suspiciously like Gilbert Gottfried.

Well this was certainly unexpected.

"**_Hello… Klarion_.**"

Spoke the voice of a thousand Jams and Jellies…. Ummm…. Why?

The air tasted of bowl cuts and sparkles… Ok but why tho?

"No no no no no no _NO NO NO **NO NO NOOOOO**_!", screamed little Klarion as he shot hell bolts of concentrated chaos into the now sandwich sky…. Well, looks like Reality just GTFO. Guess I'm going for a ride.

My head felt funny, warmer actually. I reached up to feel what it was.

"Why do I have hair now?" I asked as I grew a magnificent mane of hair upon my bug scalp, though it was not to last as the Paintbrushes of truth stole my hair to paint the ground periwinkle with magenta polka dots.

"I beat you once Old Man, I can beat you again!"

The Imp shaped the heavens with a thousand feather dusting turtles made of apricots made of dust bunnies made of something that wasn't dust… But also was dust. They might have been dusting themselves but I couldn't be sure. Klarion summoned golems of pure snow-lava that froze/burned the world around them. Something nebulously impressive happened. I think it was a fight between two chaotic forces of nature, but I have absolutely way to be sure. For all I know they sneezed at each other with universal constants. So incomprehensible was it's vagueness that about the only thing I could understand was that it was un-understandable.

I'm sure of some components involved, there was an oxymoronic giant imp, a 4D hands casting 3D Shadow Puppet bunnies and dinosaurs, a theatrical rendition of the Sublime song Two Joints, and a river made of song. Though that last thing might have been leftovers from the Rock Battle of Ultimate METAL!

The world was like a rorschach of weirdness beyond mortal comprehension.

I think.

"Red."

"_Yes Cell._"

"You seeing' this?"

"_I'm trying not to_."

"You're missing one hell of a show."

At least I think he was.

"_**Such a disappointment Klarion. Have you learned nothing of true chaos? This is mere parlor tricks. You can't even handle me as limited as I am. This isn't even my final form.**_"

I witnessed the as the final form finally formed fully. It was certainly something alright. No idea what that something was… but it was that for sure. I'm fairly certain it was at least partially made out of geometry puns. That angle was cute for example. There was also delicious looking Pi, and the most pointless circle I've ever seen… my groans were surely a sine of madness.

"**_Oh how I wish you were a fish._**"

And then Klarion was a fish. Bass by the looks of it, small mouth though, which was kinda disappointing.

"_**A fish would make a lovely dish, but even better would be a sweater.**_"

And then Klarion was a sweater… Christmas sweater complete with colors that I'm sure the Trickster himself would love.

"_**If I may be so very bold, perhaps you boy have caught a cold.**_"

Klarion returned to normal, only he was trapped in a literal block of ice. Like one you'd see in a Tom and Jerry cartoon after someone fell in ice water.

"_**Oh Klarion you look sick, a healthy body would make you quick. But if you're feeling this unwell, perhaps the cure is the Perfect Cell**_."

Wait what was that?

Oh hey, it's Android 17 and 18…. Neat.

Wait... where did they come from?

…

Oh right reality warping cosmic terrors from beyond the veil of time and space. Everything has been so cosmically confusing I forgot that was what was happening right now. For a second I thought my Cell body spontaneously synthesized LSD. Which was totally something I could probably do maybe.

"**_My cosmically displaced chaotic friend, I thank you for freeing me, consider this a gift. I have much work to do now. So much to catch up on. Goodbye Mr. McSplice. I look forward to the entertainment._**"

Normally an all powerful deity from another dimension would be cause for alarm, but never looked a gift… android in the mouth. Especially when there were two of them unconscious and waiting to be eaten. By this point Klarion had freed himself, and raged against the heavens where Mister Mxyzptlk once was. Everything had returned to normal.

"Om nom nom." I said as my tail funneled.

Red Tornado watched with a curious look. Probably just as confused as I was about what the hell just happened.

17 was first, and before he was even half way down 18 followed after him. They steadily moved up and up. Klarion turned to me as 18 was sucked down and blanched at the sight.

"That is rather disgusting." Commented the Witch Boy.

Like he was one to..

"HOLY SHIIIIIIT! **GAH!**"

It hit like a rampaging DOOMTRAIN!

Every cell in my body exploded with more energy than I could describe. Like I was on fire times a thousand, but without the unpleasant burny part. Hey where did those BRIGHT ASS BLINDING LIGHTS COME FROM!

"**POWER OVERWHELMING**!"

Then the Earth began to quake, the skies darkened above, and shit just exploded!


	8. The Almost Perfect Day

**The Almost Perfect Day**

Kaldur ducked as Superboy threw a punch, he used his lower position to attempt a punch to the Kidney, but in an unexpected twist Superboy caught the arm and threw Kaldur over his shoulder. The fight was lost, but Kaldur couldn't really be mad at the Kryptonians progress.

"Black Canary taught me that one." Said Superboy with a smile, obviously proud of himself.

"Way to go Superboy." Shouted Megan from the sides.

Before Kaldur could get to his feet however, the ground began to quake.

Kid Flash moved from the wall he was leaning against after a moment of shock.

"Earthquake!"

Kaldur wasn't so sure. Something about this event had felt… off.

He got to his feet quickly right as the alarms in the base blared to life.

"**WARNING! ANOMALY DETECTED! LOCATION SALEM, MASSACHUSETTS!**"

The alarm repeated itself over and over again before the ground was once again still.

The room was silent for a moment, before Wally spoke.

"What the hell was that about?"

"I believe." Said Kaldur. "That the answer to that lies in Salem."

High above the Earth, Hal Jordan, one of the Green Lanterns of Sector 2814, watched as an anomalous hurricane like storm cloud began forming on the planet below. The eye of it settled on the eastern seaboard. The diameter was impossible. Extending across the entire content and half way into the Atlantic.

Then it just began to dissipate, only mere moments after it formed. His eyes focused on where the storms eye once was, Hal Jordan shot off like a bullet.

The skies darkened, the grounds quaked, the winds roared, and lightning sung across the entire world.

The storm did not bring rains, only power. Electrical equipment across the globe malfunctioned for a brief moment as the shaking was felt around the world. Despite the impossible worldwide reach of the quakes, it was consistent. From the very epicentre to the opposite side of the globe, a magnitude 3.8 earthquake could be felt. Not the worst of quakes, but the mere fact that it was felt across the entire planet was worrying.

When Hals call came through, the League made their way to Salem. Ready to face whatever they would find.

Sun Wukong enjoyed a slice of peach pie, next to a peach cobbler, washed down with a nice peach tea. All and all, he felt content.  
He took a breath as his tail wrapped around the handle of his cup to bring the delicious peach elixir to his mouth.

Then he froze.

He felt it as soon as it happened, and immediately groaned. Annoyance clear as he spoke.

"Guess I have a thing to deal with now. Always a thing." He said as he snatched up his staff and hopped on the nearest cloud.

Wow!

That was like... The best thing ever. Like seriously, I have never felt this good in all my life. I felt everything around me, even things previously impossible for me to sense. Klarion was on the ground, apparently covering his eyes as my shining form took shape amongst the clouds.

Now I had a choice.

What should my entrance be?

...

Oh I know. A song…

Now I could just rehash something from my universe. No one could call me on it, since DBZ didn't exist here… buuut, I'd know, and I'd like to think I'm more original than that.

...oh, I know.

I took a deep breath and sang...

To the tune of Ed Sheeran's Perfect.

"_I found a form for me  
I'ma just fly right in  
Now follow my lead._"

I lowered to the ground. My every action loosening muscles I never knew I had. Every motion felt damn good. I took one look at a confused Klarion and smiled as earnestly as I could.

Then before he could even react it was Ki Blast city. Now with 1000% more Boom Bitch! I didn't even need to move to do it. I thought it, and energy blasts just happened.

"_Well I found a girl to release all my Ki.  
And a boy who unlocked a new me_."

Good News everyone... Klarion was not immune to telekinesis. Pinball wizard time. Klarion was thrown from the ground, through a tree, through a couple more trees, against a mountain, back to the trees, aaaand slide to my feet.

"_Then I found this kid, this boned little witch  
Guess what bro, I'm Going to make you my bitch_."

Klarions hands glowed as astral claws the size of Godzilla's paws were dragged in from the ether, each one headed right towards me. A burst of Ki later and I zipped around the claws to deliver a trademark Piccolo spin kick right to the Chaos Lords back, sending him flying like he was a cheetah on speed.

"_Baby I'm_

_**P**riceless as you'll see,  
**E**ccentric as can be.  
**R**unning through your ass  
**F**antastic with my endless sass  
**E**very curse underneath your breath  
**C**an't stop my beams of death  
**T**ell me have you heard it_

_That I am Perfect tonight._

"

He looked up to me growling as he summoned an army of demonic hell bats. I killed the FUCK out of them.

Damn that felt good.

Klarion teleported before me, wasting no time as he send blades of infinite sharpness from the sharp dimension of serrated razor edged sharpness after me, each one was a single dimension thick, an edge infinitely thin. I'll admit I was nearly cubed by this, but as it turns out, my reaction time was insane. I was going to avoid the blades with sick ballet moves... Don't judge me.

However, it stopped when Klarion began to spin and twist against his will. It wasn't my doing, but I was very surprised to see Red Tornado decide to throw down with me.

What a swell guy.

"Hi Red."

"_I request an explanation._"

He said as he sent the Witch Boy into the sky. The little bastard screaming as he shot into space.

As soon as he was out of sight Red Tornado turned to me.

"_You appeared to have eaten two people. I am willing to give the benefit of the doubt._"

"Oh, right. That was my brother and sister, Androids 17 and 18. I can... Ummm, lets call it interface with them. They're fine. Not dead or anything."

"_Can this process be reversed? The implications are ...unpleasant._"

I guess a life living inside a giant humanoid cicada was very... Ewww. Actually now that I think about it... It was very 'Being John Malkovich'. Darkly funny movie I'll admit, but ... Poor John Malkovich.

...

Malkovich?

Malkovich. Malkovich. Malkovich.

Malkovich!

...Gah, distracted again. Need to stop that.

"Yeah, it can be reversed. I... Didn't see the implications at the time, spur of the moment and all that."

Ok, new plan... Deal with Klarion, then unvore 17 and 18... Oh... Wait a minute... Which 17 and 18 are they?

I heard the distinctive sound of Gilbert Gottfried chuckling on the wind.

...

Oh Mxyzptlk. You did this on purpose... Always a catch... Its official, borderline omnipotence makes you a dick. I am a bit squicked now.

'_**Where are we?**_'

….

Who said that?

'_**Brother? Is that you?**_"

….

Oh… uncomfortable levels intensifying.

'**_Uncomfortable what?_**'

'_**Oh hey look sis, a guy is falling.**_'

I'll have to deal with this later, Klarion came back, falling to the ground after his spontaneous and unwilling skydiving trip. However before the SPLAT he froze mid air, glared at us. And lost his shit.

"HOLY MALCOVICH!"

'_**Holy what?**_'

A literal firestorm straight outta mythology raged around us. And in any normal circumstance I would probably be able to deal with it easily enough…

But the commentary was really distracting.

'_**Not our problem.**_' Said the feminine voice.

'_**Yeah, you just need to Get Good.**_' Said the… slightly less feminine voice.

'_**HEY! I heard that!**_'

Well good for you. Also Hi! Welcome to the Cell Hotel. Enjoy your stay as we deal with the rampaging Eldritch Abomination.

'**_Not really ringing any bells there pal._**'

Must, avoid flickering flaming fires before I'm flambeed in a fucking furnace.

The flames shaped themselves into a massive monster.

"Oh for fucks sake." I say as Red Tornado begins spinning rapidly, attempting to choke out the fires. Turns out this wasn't ordinary fire, but you could probably rename Red Tornado something involving a Swirling Sizzling and Searing Fire-Storm of Sizable Stature.

'_**So are you a fan of alliteration, or is this a quirk of yours?**_'

"Not now 18. Need to focus."

'_**...Bitch, did you just call me a number?**_'

'**_I think he did._**'

Ok…. Enough if this.

I put my finger on my head and preparing to fire the…Special... Beam...How?

…

Ummm…

I was directly in front of Klarion. Who leaned back a bit in shock.

"You can telep…"

Face punch!

His hands covered his face. He reeled back before his hands moved to see if his nose was bleeding…. It wasn't.

"AGAIN! SERIOUSL…"

Aaaaaand Face punch.

"AGH, THAT IS…."

Cell uses Face Punch.

It's Super Effective.

"Why. *_Punch_* Is. *_Punch_* Your. *_Punch_* Face. *_Punch_* So. *_Punch_* Tempting. *_Punch_* To. *_Punch_* Hit. *_Punch_* Again. *_Punch_* And. *_Punch_* Again. *_Punch_* And. *_Punch_* Again. *_Punch_* And. *_**Punch**_* Again!"

Full strength final punch and Klarion is about… I'd wager 12 feet underground. I easily leapt up and floated above the hole. Rapid breathing coming from it as I waited. Red Tornado was next to me in a moment, looking down into the hole.

"_You appear to have the situation under control. I shall attempt to find our current location. I will return._"

I smiled.

"Miss ya already Red."

I looked back to the hole.

"Hey, are you just gonna lay in there? Cause I'm not coming in."

Klarion growled.

"Words. Fail. **Hate.** Nothing but** Hate**. ALL OF MY **HATE!**" Said Klarion, with every inflection his voice plummeted and boomed after each syllable.

Oh hey, look a swirling vortex of chaos… Looks like fun.

Klarion appeared before me. His eyes glowing a shade of crimson I couldn't really describe. His hair horns had shifted into actual horns now. Every breath had a slight discordant tone in it. Like the purr-growling of a lion mixed with an exhale.

His features continued to shift as he grew teeth on teeth on teeth on teeth. Rows of razor sharp fangs that extended just a bit too far. Crooked and gnarled claws that seemed to be bleeding something that looked like blood, but whose color had an unnatural luster to it…. That and the not-blood dripped up instead of down.

"Huh, I expected more."

'**_Soooo… is that a demon? I'm confused._**'

Aaaaand the voices were back. Hello 17.

'_**Dude, what is it with you and referring to us as numbers?**_'

Might have to explain that later after you get out of me.

'**_Ok, that sounded wrong._**'

Please don't remind me.

He roared in my face. Sending spittle in my direction that incinerated in my Ki aura before it could touch me.

"And I'm supposed to be the disgusting one."

An arm slammed into me, sending me flying, but otherwise fine. I stopped about half way from what he expected before going full on Flash Step on his candy ass. You know the one, the kind that happens in DBZ when characters move at super speed, almost appearing to teleport with like, a gazillion attacks happening every second.

"_One little, two little, three little uppercuts._

_Four little, five little, six little uppercuts._

_Seven little, eight little, nine little uppercuts,_

_And ten little uppercuts in the morning_

."

Oh hey, we're in space…. Neat.

I smiled as I watched the demon Klarion glow with power.

"..."

?

Oh right…. No sound in space.

What, now Reality decided it applied? How arbitrary.

Klarion roared (silently) as he barreled into me. Sending us meteoring to the planet below…

…

That… was not earth.

Unless Pangaea decided to make an immediate return. Only one HUGE island surrounded by a mega ocean and nothing else…Pangaea II:The Reckoning

Also, why is there a door hovering over there?

…

Am I still in Fates tower?

Does Dr. Fate keep a whole xeno-planet in his house?

Why does Dr. Fate keep a whole Xeno-Planet in his house?

'**_Because it's awesome._**'

Thank you 17 for the input.

I turned back to Klarion, whose hands clawed against me, pulling apart my exoskeleton that I could will to heal faster than he was dishing out.

"Die. Die. Die. Die!" He crackle/croaked.

We were getting closer to the ground, before I grabbed Klarion by his demon head and spun around. He hit the ground first.

Thankfully his body broke my fall.

Sure he was fine, but man I had to be doing a number on his pride. This was actually kinda pathetic. He was more powerful and skilled than me, but he was just vainly attacking me in mindless rage. I could heal faster than he could reliably injure me. Not that I'm complaining. As long as he wasn't actively warping reality I should be fine. That was something he could do that might just do the trick, but I had a plan.

'**_What plan, you don't have any plan._**'

'**_She's right, I just checked your mind library... Thing. There is nothing but a fiction section as far as the eye can see, assortments of useless trivia from all over the damn place, and a box that has the words 'Plan' on it, but all that is inside is a piece of paper that says 'Wing It' over and over again._**'

The plan It's a work in progress okay!

'_**Yeah, so is Half Life 3.**_'

Oh fuck off with that shit… also how do you know about that?

'**_Fiction section._**' They both said simultaneously.

Ok enough of that, back to the Chaos Lord…. I just gotta...

'**_Why is there so many B-Movies in here?_**'

'**_Really? Let me see._**'

They are the highest form of art. Classics in their respective field.

'_**The hell is a Zombi 2?**_'

The best movie ever. Three words, Zombie versus Shark.

'**_Oh please, a shark would own a zombie hands down. Zombies can't swim._**'

Ignoring 17 for now, I posed my fingers into guns.

Also yea, I made Pew! Pew! laser noises as I shot beams of death at Klarion. Gotta admit, they had penetration power. Went through the chaotic bastard like a hot knife through butter, or a lightsaber through a plate steel door.

He roared as he lifted his hands, re-summoning the Graboid/Kraken hybrid. The giant tentacled Godzilla worm threw itself from the ground, heading towards me.

I raised my hands, creating a Ki disk that really was more like an energy sawblade.

"Destructo Disk."

I bisected the worm, the disk traveling from its head, through its body, and past the tail. As admittedly awesome as the image was, the resulting grey-green ooze was much less pleasant. Smelled like death.

There was one saving grace, Klarion almost drowned in monster blood.

"Ha, you're covered in graboid guts."

Klarion took exception to that because ALL OF THE ENERGY WHIPS.

A thousand laser whips of lashing wriggled and writhed all over the place, slicing the corpse to bits, the goo covered Chaos Lord flew at me with murderous intent. His form shifted once again as he was carried by… wings, a lot of wings. somewhere between 100 and 1000 wings of various kinds sprouted all over Klarion. Some feathered, some bat-like, some vaguely wing shaped masses of flesh. This little display with the wing caused a shift as the winds seemed to move with him, carrying him towards me at impressive speeds.

Right before he reached me However I wasn't there anymore.

Isn't Teleportation fun!

"Kamehameha!"

I'm sure in normal circumstances I would be cowering in fear as his mere visage drives me insane, but he's just so adorable in his attempts that I can't help but find it funny, he's also more impulsive than me… this is saying something.

At this point, Klarion no longer had the universe's most punchable face. Mostly because he didn't have a face. Just a maw of fangs.

'_**Dude looks pissed.**_'

'_**Hideous is more like it. He looks like like he was assaulted with the Ugly Stick, and then had it shoved up his ass.**_'

Hi, Cell here, please don't distract me when dealing with an Eldritch Abomination.

The Klarion beast flew out the resulting smoke created by the Kamehameha as he snatched me out of the air to drag me along the ground.

I had become one with the plow.

'_**Do you always narrate what's happening to you?**_'

Why yes 18, I do indeed.

'**_Ok dude, we seriously need to talk about the numbers thing. Why? Just. Just why?_**'

Long story, I'll let you know when we lose fluffy.

I managed to get out of the Klarion-Beasts grasp as I shot off Ki Blasts on full auto.

'_**Whatev….**_'

'_**Ummm…. Sis, I found this thing called Dragonball Z… you uh, you might wanna come here.**_'

Oh… well this was awkward.

'_**Is that us? Are we robots? Why are we robots?**_'

What? Um, what is the last thing you remember?

'_**I remember… something. A man.**_'

'_**Yeah, I think I remember that to. Ugly bastard.**_'

Old guy? Look like a mad scientist.

I thought up an image of Dr. Gero in my mind. I think they somehow saw it.

'_**That's him… minus the ...exposed… um... brain.**_'

'**_ ?_**'

'_**Yeah, real asshole. He built me from scratch.**_'

Klarion continued shifting. His head (sans face) was now sideways in both directions…. Somehow, the parts of his hair that weren't horns turned into lashing tentacles.

'_**Man he just keeps getting worse.**_'

'_**Yeah, can we get back to the us being robots thing… and apparently fictional. Are we not gonna talk about that?**_'

Cyborgs actually.

'**_Hey, check this out, we got Perpetual Motion Generators in us. That's awesome. Fuck you science, I run forever._**'

'**_You're such a dork Lapis._**'

Lapis?

'**_It's his name dumbass. I'm _**Lazuli**_._**'

Names Cell, previous name unknown.

…

Oh hey, Klarion's insides are made of stars and nebulae… neat. I'm a throw Ki at it.

'_**Where are we anyway? How the heck does a pair of stairs that go straight up also twist in on themselves?**_'

When the hell did we get back in the M.C. Escher nightmare? We were JUST outside. Before that we were in SPACE! Forget it, to answer your question Lapis, Magic. Were kinda stuck in another universe. One filled with super powered beings and aliens.

'**_And the difference back home is?_**'

There are a LOT more of them here.

'**_Gotcha._**'

The Klarion-Thing was gaining fast as we flew through the Hallway of Infinite Headaches. I pointed at it.

"Finger-bang Powers Activate!"

My Finger-bang powers activated. Tearing holes into the Klarion thing. It roared.

"**I will Unmake you!**"

"Then do it Bitch!"

We flew through the Halls? Stairs? Corridor? Well whatever it was we flew through it. I prepared another blast, when some other blast… That wasn't mine by the way hit Klarion head on, and seemed to slowly be turning back to... punchable as he fell.

...Huh? Oh look it's Red Tornado and Kent Nelson.

"Hi Guys!" I say with a wave.

We were standing next to a bell, one Kent was preparing to hit with his cane.

"Noooooooo!"

Klarion was now fully back to normal… for some reason, as we all went through the bell… Somehow… Are we ghosts now? Or is it a Ghost Bell?

Whatever the case may be, we all found ourselves outside on top the tower. Kent fell prey to a beam of chaos, but managed to hold on long enough to erect a barrier.

I wasn't entirely sure what was going on, but Klarion looked pleased… Well that just won't do.

I prepared an attack the moment the barrier fell when my…. Crown I guess hit something metal floating in the air.

'**_Nice Helmet._**'

'**_A little gaudy if you ask me._**'

Thank you Lapis and Lazuli for your input.

I grabbed the Helmet however, mostly out of curiosity. Kent looked ready to fall at any minute. He probably wasn't going to last much longer.

I certainly wasn't putting the damn thing on, having two voices in my head was bad enough. However I had an idea, and Awful Awful idea. Obviously I couldn't actually kill an unkillable abomination, but I knew someone who could.

"Red Tornado. I'm about to do something very stupid. WIsh me look. If I die, tell Jerry I love him."

Red looked at me, looking like he wanted to say something. He didn't get the chance as I teleported….

…

Right in front of Klarion, who didn't seem so enraged as his eyes focused on the Helmet.

"Good news." I said as I lifted the Helmet over my head.

"Wha…"

And shoved it on Klarion's own head.

"It's the Perfect fit."

Meanwhile, in the 5th Dimension, an Imp laughed and laughed and chuckled and giggled. If he had sides they would be splitting at their seams. Unfortunately the birth of a thousand Hypersphere Suns was the closest the Imp could get to splitting his sides.

"**Now that dear Klarion, is the spirit of Chaos.**"

Planets of all shapes, sizes, colors, and aromas birthed into non-creation and died in an instant with every chuckle. Including a planet of a billion dogs playing Poker with Uno Cards who all happened to have a Wild Card at that exact moment, leading to an endless debate as to the nature of the name "Fire Hydrant" when it existed merely to be marked and never seemed to have anything to do with fires as far as the many canines were aware of.

Truly the mysteries of the Fire Hydrant may never be known.

Hi, Perfect Cell here. You're probably wondering what happened after I put the Helmet of Fate on Klarion. Well worry not anyone listening….

'_**Who are you talking to? Is it us?**_'

'_**I don't think it's us Lazuli.**_'

...

...Because I would like to know that as well. I'm not entirely sure as to what happened, but allow me to recount the events according to what I… well in this instance the correct word would be eye smelled… Don't ask.

So I was over there, saying my kick ass one liner when Confused Klarion the Punchable got a Helmet of Fate shoved onto his head. Lasers poured from the eye holes. Poured would be the correct word here as while it was lasers, it moved less like a beam and more like it was water.

A bright light consisting of a color I could not see (Only Smell See) burst from beneath the mask as Klarion's skin was replaced by gold and silver Plaid colors.

The entities of the Emotional Spectrum got into an argument as to whether or not Willpower counted as an Emotion, but that happened in reverse before they all looked to the event happening before us with a curious stare.

A giant hand holding the universe clenched before flipping either Me, Klarion, or Nabu off, I couldn't be sure.

There was a wall made of both Stone and people that sneezed in C minor. Before a great entity I knew to be named the Presence used it's cloak as a handkerchief to wipe at all the noses that made it up.

Then we were back on the top of Nabu's Tower. Helmet of Nabu in my hands, Red Tornado looking very confused, and Kent Nelson was dying probably.

I turned to the dying man as Red Tornado held him in his arms.

Nelson turned to me.

"That was… The dumbest most foolish thing I have ever seen in my life…. God Job." he said as he coughed a few times.

"Nelson, You should rest. I can retrieve an…"

"No, I'm old Red, I'm ready."

He looked to me.

"You're something special. In more ways than one." He said as he looked to the Helmet I still held.

"Do an old man a favor and, Keep it safe for me."

I looked to the man. Seeing someone die before your eyes was certainly something that brought up… Feelings. I didn't know what to say. So I only nodded.

Kent smiled at me.

"Thanks."

He took his last Breath. Red stayed there for a moment longer before his head fell. Even I didn't really feel like making a joke out of the situation.

Red Tornado rose. Removing his cloak as he draped it over his old Friend. He stared down at him for a moment longer, and I didn't know what else to do, so I grabbed him by the shoulder.

"_He lived a good life._"

I nodded as I looked back to the Helm I now possessed. I wasn't quite sure what to.

*_THWACK_*

"OW! SERIOUSLY! NOW?"

MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL FACE!

'_**F-f-f-ucks sake. The Hell Was That?!**_'

'_**Oh god, Why Did we feel it! Whose the ass hole who!..! Is that a Monkey?**_"

Sun Wukong took a look at me...us I guess. He stroke his own beard for a moment before shaking his head. He also had a Rooster laying on top of his head.

"Wha…"

The Chicken clucked in response.

"My mistake, you're not a Jiangshi. Sorry about that, so what's up?" He asked as he took on a far more relaxed stance. He smiled.

And not a single Fuck was given that day.

A/N: There I did the Perfect Song.


	9. All in the Family

All in the Family

Sun Wukong stuck his pinky finger in his ear as he dug out a bit of wax and flicked it over his shoulder...Ew. That was gross man... I guess it's better than... other things monkeys were known for throwing... Ew... I just grossed myself out.

'_**Yeah, thanks for that mental image.**_'

...You're welcome.

"Sorry about that, I seem to have had something crazy in my ear.", said Sun.

Sun looked next to me at nothing in particular before his tongue clicked and his eyes scrunched in confusion. After a moment, Sun reached out and pulled...

"My Axe!"

I snatched it from his hands as I hugged the metal demonic weapon of the Cyborg Surf Ninjas. I have no idea how he did that, and I really don't care. My baby was back and that was all I cared about at this exact microsecond.

"It's glorious."

'_**Dude. That is the sickest guitar I've ever seen.**_'

I know right.

'_**Am I the only one wondering where the goddamn monkey pulled that guitar from? Anyone? Just me?**_'

Yes 18... I mean Lazuli, just you. DO NOT QUESTION THE MONKEY GOD FOR HE IS KIND AND RETRIEVES AXES!

"Well, looks like you weren't crazy after all." Said Sun Wukong.

I lifted my Axe to the heavens.

"I christen thee... **The Motherfucking Boom-Cleaver, Butcher of The Unscented Citrus**."

A lightning bolt struck the neck of **The Motherfucking Boom-Cleaver, Butcher of The Unscented Citrus**, and it surged with power.

"Of course you do. What else would you call it." Said Sun.

I held **The Motherfucking Boom-Cleaver, Butcher of The Unscented Citrus** in all its Metal glory. I was content. Was this... that thing called Love? I suppose only time will tell.

'**_Best. Name. EVER!_**'

'**_I'm surrounded by dumbasses and morons._**'

Hush you, don't ruin this for me.

"_Perhaps it would be wise to get off this tower._" Said Red Tornado.

With a shrug I leapt off the tower and attempted to fly to the ground... And attempted to fly to the ground... And attempted to... WHY AM I LOOPING IN SPACE? Was someone fucking with me right now? I feel like someone was fucking with me right now.

"_I regret to inform you Cell that if that were an option we could have just flown up here in the first place._"

...

"But... The Monkey?" I said as I pointed to Sun, who had literally just appeared up here to smack me in the face.

Or have we just forgotten that THAT was a thing.

"The Monkey as you refer to him, Me by the way, is a God. One who has no affiliation with order or chaos. Your rules mean... Absolutely nothing to me." Said Sun, who demonstrated his point by having his body split in half.

His legs walked one way, his floating torso another. The chicken on his head however had stayed exactly where it was, hovering in defiance of gravity where Sun once stood, only the fowl was rotating vertically counterclockwise. Eventually Sun reached where he once stood, the two pieces reattached and the rooster back on his head, happily clucking away...

Sure why not, today didn't make any sense anyway. Why start now.

"See, now if you'll excuse me." Said Sun as he leapt off the tower to the ground. With not a single loop.

You have never seen smug until you see the smug look of a ninja monkey god.

...

"This. Didn't. Happen."

'**_I disagree._**'

Fuck you to 18... Lazuli... Whatever.

So back through the maze of infinite mindfucks. Red Tornado was gently carrying the Body of his friend as we made our way through. Took about... Six... Seven...Minutes? Hours? I don't know... It took us however long it took to find out way through. Oh hey, it's unconscious David Copperfield. Ok, I'm... Confused. He was more than a little tied up... With... Is that a Snake? Rope? Chains?

The fuck am I looking at? My brain was not designed to handle three separate overlaid images. Whatever, Red Tornado lifted the Magician with a man sized tornado that carried him out. Once we finally made it however, we were greeted not only by the Monkey King, but the Justice League... And Justice League Junior. Everyone took one look at Red Tornado and I. It was Wonder Woman, who previously was speaking to Sun Wukong, who stepped up to inspect me.

She looked confused and impressed all at the same time.

"...Cell?"

"Sup."

Several Leaguers recoiled slightly as I waved at her. Some looking at me in bewilderment, others confusion... I couldn't place the look of Artemis?... She seemed very interested in my face for some reason.

Wait a minute, was she checking me out?

I think she's checking me out.

Ewww, I'm a dick-less Cicada Man. Whats the hell is wrong with you... Actually... Yep... Still Dick-less. So is that Namekian DNA or was Dr. Gero just that uncomfortable with the whole thing? Suppose I'll never know.

'_**I did not need to see that.**_'

You didn't. There was literally nothing to see...

What was going on right now?

...

Oh right Wonder Woman.

"What... Happened to you... You look... Different." Said Wonder Woman.

Yes... Different. That was certainly... a word. I opened my mouth... Before turning to Red Tornado.

"You wanna tell them. They might actually believe you."

"_Certainly. Upon arriving at the Tower of Fate, Cell and I learned it had been compromised by what Kent Nelson had referred to as a Lord of Chaos..._"

All attention was on Red as he continued the story. Their expressions were. Just. Priceless.

"_... They rode on objects resembling Surfboards as they used their music to weave spells into being, however Cell managed to steal one of their sonic weapons that superficially resembled an electric guitar to turn their musical spells against them..._"

It was difficult to keep from laughing. Especially as several members of the League turned to look at **The Motherfucking Boom-Cleaver, Butcher of The Unscented Citrus**.

"_...By happenstance, Cell managed to summon a Greater Lord of Chaos that apparently had a history with our opponent. The Chaotic entities engaged in _[DATA NOT FOUND] _Before the stronger one summoned two androids indistinguishable from humans to the field that Cell later informed me were his Brother and Sister that he was built to interface with..._"

Green Arrow looked like he had a sudden headache he tried desperately to massage away. Wonder Woman was staring at Red Tornado completely motionless with wide eyes and a slightly dropped jaw.

Batman looked 100% done with this shit but continued to listen.

Flash was obviously laughing a bit awkwardly but trying to hide it.

Superman was just... Confused, in fact everyone else seemed to be on the same page more or less.

"_...Upon forcing the helmet onto the leaser Chaos Lords head, an event occurred involving _[DATA NOT FOUND] _and the Chaos Lord was nowhere to be seen. Kent Nelson then entrusted the Helmet of Fate to Cell before he...passed._"

I nodded.

"That about covers it." I said cheerfully.

'_**Well look at that, I think you broke them.**_'

'**_Fuck yeah! Holy shit we missed one Hell of a beginning._**'

'**_Lapis... Just please... Shut up._**'

Hey guys, I'm going to need you to do me a solid.

'_**Depends on what it is.**_' Said 18... Goddammit I meant Lazuli.

Keep any knowledge about DC comics you may know to yourselves. I don't know what happens in this exact universe any more than they do, and things usually turn out for the best anyway. No need to have them focus on threats that probably don't even exist at the expense of shit I'd never saw coming. Plus... if there is anything I learned from almost every time travel movie ever it is that trying to prevent things from happening usually just causes them to happen.

So we can just keep everything on the Down Low, if you catch my meaning.

'_**I honestly didn't care either way.**_'

'_**Sure thing man.**_'

Sweet.

Superman looked ready to say something before I dramatically lifted my arms.

"The prophesied day is upon us. BEHOLD! The Great Unvoring!"

My tail extended to its maximum length as the needle like tip funneled out aaaand.

...

Hrgh! Ngh! Just... Nyeh!

...

How does this work?

"What are you doing?" Asked Superman.

"Just... Give me a moment..."

'_**Cell. We're waiting buddy, just breathe and push. Breathe and Push.**_'

Don't rush me Lapis. This isn't... Just don't rush me.

'_**Performance issues?**_'

Fuck off Lazuli... Just gotta.

"Are you alright?" Asked Supes

I was a bit annoyed at being interrupted, right before a thought came to mind.

'_**What thought? I didn't hear any thought?**_'

...Oh yeah, we're doing this.

'_**Doing what? I wasn't paying attention, found something called Romeo + Juliet, but it's got like… Guns and Shit. Is that Leonardo DiCaprio... Hold on I'm watching it….. HOLY SHIT THAT'S AWESOME!**_'

...I love that movie, update the setting, throw in the mafia, and keep the exact original dialogue word for word regardless of how it would sound in a modern setting... but I have far more pressing matters to attend to.

"Say Superman, mind doing me a solid."

He crossed his arms as he waited for me to continue.

"See this purple... thing in the center of my chest."

Supes nodded. Good... We were on the same page... page 147 if you were interested.

'_**We really weren't**_'

'_**Weren't What? I was watching John Leguizamo quoting Shakespeare like a badass and pointing a gun at a kid... Ha! He just said Bang. Nice**_'

'_**Like I said, we really weren't'**_

Ignoring the voiced in my head that argued with me. I took a breath as I looked Superman in the eye and mustered up all the seriousness I could... Which wasn't very much mind you, but It was some...ish.

"I need you to punch it as hard as you think I can take."

His facial expression did not change in the slightest. He just kinda stared at me. I think it took him a moment to process what I just asked... I could wait.

...

"Pardon?"

Ok we're back in business. Took long enough.

"I know. I know how it sounds, but I need you to do it."

"Are...are you sure?"

He looked concerned. A'wwww he really is just a big ol' softy. I just wanna gobble him up.

'_**It is crowded enough in here as is.**_'

Stay out of my thoughts.

'_**Bitch, we are IN your thoughts Here's an idea, stop thinking. Shouldn't be that hard for you, and it would save you a lot of headache.**_'

You know... Words can hurt to Lazuli.

'_**You get used to her...eventually**_'

I can imagine. Still... Have a thing to deal with. Oh, I just had an idea.

"Yes. Oh and..."

I motioned for Superman to come over. I put my hand to his ear and whispered my plan. I know that with super hearing I didn't have to do this, but it was funnier if I did. As soon as he heard my second request, he leaned back slightly.

"You want me to say..."

"Yes, right before you hit I want you to scream it as hard as you can."

"It's a bit childish don't you think?"

In response I only pointed to myself. Based on the expression on his face, that was the first thing today that made any sense at all.

"Alright, point taken." Said Superman as he reared his fist back.

His muscles tensed so hard they violently pushed the wind back. I prepared for the hit.

"**FALCON!**"

His fist came at me at top speed.

"**PUNCH!**"

OH GOD WHY… no… It was worth it. So worth it. All of my Yes!

I felt my tail fan out as two androids shot out from inside me...Ew!

He punched so hard they both came out... Jesus Christ man. How much strength do you think I could take? I mean yeah, I wasn't disintegrated but shit man... That hurt.

Also...I'm starting to feel like Semi-Perfect Cell isn't getting his time to shine… I'll have to fix that… maybe. However I had a job to do, so as soon as I could breathe and enunciate, I said the line….

… you know the one.

"Mozel Tov, its twins!"

…

Wally was blowing chunks. Ha, he botched on his constitution check.

Lapis and Lazuli sat on the ground. It was only now I noticed that they were a bit... Off compared to what I expected. They seemed younger than they should. I'd estimate about... 15 or 16 years old… give or take.

Then there was a bright flash of light and I felt my everything start to shift. Organs inside me moved around and my body started to shrink and morph. Soon it was over and I felt my face.

"Ha! I'm adorable again!"

I am once again a Crazy Cicada Creature, a Cybernetic Creepy Crawler. Imperfect Cell has a Classic Charm. Plus Citizens and Civilians knew this form as the one who Carols at Catwomen and makes Cocaine demigods Certifiable and Cross. Clearly Complete no more, but in this Cynical and Caustic world of Capes, Cowls, Career Criminals, Killer Clowns Created by Chemical Concoctions, Casual Captains of Cold, Catastrophes Capable of Creating Country wide Casualties, and other such Chilling Cutthroat Cretins... Well, Completion is Clinically Overrated and potentially Catastrophic. I'll Carry on, my Chitin Covered Chin up. 'Cause this Carapaced Crusader of Chit-Chat and Chuckles was a Classic Case of all that and a bag of Chips. Accept no substitutes, Capiche'.

Er… That out of the way, Android 17... Er...Lapis looked around before he noticed he was covered in... I think that was slime... God I hope it was slime.

"Huh... Well that was weird. Kinda cool though, like a water slide."

Lazuli on the other hand...

"Ew! Ew! Ew! Gross! Gross! Gross! Need a bath! Want a bath! GIVE ME A BATH RIGHT NOW!"

Lapis looked to her.

"Are yo-"

"**NOW!**"

Lapis recoiled at his sisters shout as I looked to the crowd, and upon seeing Aquaman I got his attention before motioning with my head towards the two Androids.

Aquaman, nodding at my unspoken request summoned water from fucking nowhere… sure I guess he can do that now. And as per her request, Lapis and Lazuli were drenched, scrubbed, and cleaned.

Lapis didn't seem to mind. Just shaking his head to get the water out of his hair before taking a stand.

"Now that was refreshing." He said.

Lazuli took a moment to get her bearings before her brother helped her up. She crossed her arms before she looked over to Aquaman.

"Thanks, I've always wanted to know what drowning felt like." She said.

The two Androids examined the area around them before I stepped in between them, putting an arm over each of their shoulders.

For the Record the Helmet of Fate and **The Motherfucking Boom-Cleaver, Butcher of The Unscented Citrus** was being held by my extend-o-tail. God that thing was useful.

"Hi guys, how was the stay at the Cell Hotel?"

"So... You're a bug." Said Lazuli with a quirked head.

"Sweet!" Said Lapis cheerfully.

I was going to say something clever probably, when the Dark Knight decided to walk himself right on down.

"Excuse me."

The two Androids looked to Batman with a careful eye. He wasted no time.

"You two, you're Cells...siblings?"

"Apparently." Said Lapis with a shrug.

"I'm pretty sure he's adopted. We're still waiting for the paternity results." Deadpanned Lazuli.

I decided to pipe in. Her sarcasm was beginning to attain sentience.

"They're a bit different... I was built from the ground up. They used to be human before they got Pituitary and Thyroid augmentations. A complete cellular reworking, the implantation of extra organs, and gene therapy along with assorted bone, muscle and joint augmentations for added strength, durability and speed. The only real cybernetic component is the physics breaking perpetual motion generator..."

How did I know that?

"How do you even know that?" Asked Lazuli.

"Ummm...I don't know. Side effect to interfacing I guess."

Exposition fairy... Have you blessed me with knowledge? Why not a turkey sandwich... That actually would have been much more appreciated... and delicious.

Batman nodded as he turned to eye the League. They motioned for him.

"Excuse me, the League has much to discuss." He said before going off to join his teammates

"He seems nice." Said Lapis.

"Yeah, just a ray of sunshine." Said Lazuli.

"You'd think that wouldn't you..." I said with a shutter. "...Never paint the Batmobile. It eventually ends with fighting a superpowered Crackhead."

Lazuli rose a brow as she looked at me.

"Do you always find yourself in stupid situations, or is today something special?." She said.

"Little bit of both actually."

I know that was sarcasm, I chose to ignore that fact.

It was at this point that the Justice League Junior squad came over to us...Aaaaand Wally's hitting on Lazuli.

"Hey there beautiful." He said as he zipped around her to her side.

"Names Kid Flash, fastest kid alive."

Lazuli looked from Kid Flash's face to his outfit. Then she took a step out of his grasp.

"Oh, would you look at that, I just checked my programming. I'm an Apple, sorry I don't support Flash."

REJECTED! Damn 18... you savage... Oh uh, I mean... Lazuli. Well that was all well and good, stomping on a teenagers heart like that, but me and Wally have business. I slipped my arm around his shoulder. He stiffened a bit. Can't imagine why.

"Hey there Wall Man... Glad you're here. I've been looking for you. Gave it some thought. The incident after the Fog incident, yeah dick move on my part. I should have probably just stuck back at the mountain. Wanted to apologize, got a gift for you by the way...You're gonna love it."

"Oh... Um, that's nice."

"Indeed it is, oh and also don't hit on my sister... Do you really want me as a Brother-In-Law?"

And like that Wally West lost all interest in the blonde Android. Truly miracles can happen.

"Hi, I'm Megan."

Lapis... Was confused.

"Oh... Hi... Name's Lapis... Um... Are you by chance related to Demon King Piccolo?"

Megan Blinked.

"Who?"

"She's a Martian! They can be green." I said helpfully.

"Oh...that's cool. I have a perpetual motion machine for a heart."

"Oh..." Said Megan. "... That's... nice."

Lazuli butted in as she looked Miss Marian up and down, then looked her in the face.

"Hi, so you're Cells sister? I like your outfit. What Does RR stand for?" Asked Megan cheerfully who pointed at the Red Ribbon insignia on 18's... Er, Lazuli's shoulder.

Before Lazuli could say anything however, I decided to butt in.

"It's the initials of our band, gonna call it the Rambunctious Rapscallions."

"Nah man..." Said Lapis as he decided to throw in his two cents. "It's gotta be awesome. Riders Reckoning all the way."

"How about Rascally Rabbits."

"Rotten Roses."

"Reading Rainbows."

"Rockin' Rippers."

"Radical Racoons."

Lazuli sighed.

"Apparently it stands for Remedial Robots."

Actually that wasn't half bad. Remedial Robots. I can dig it.

"Yea...HEY!", said Lapis... Aghast.

Don't know why, apparently Lazuli speaks quite fluently in sarcasm.

Artemis came up and...

...

...started poking my face.

"Why are you poking my face?"

"Oh come on, If you're gonna have that personality you might as well at least be nice to look at."

...

I grabbed her hand and moved it out of my sight.

"And they say I got issues."

"Well they're not wrong." Said Artemis.

I felt... Something approaching confusion, but I cast off trying to understand anything ever after getting high on cocaine that one time so that couldn't be it... I think it was discomfort... Huh... so is that what I do to people... Neat.

Thankfully Artemis hopped over to Lapis.

"And just who are you?"

"Ummm... Lapis. I already introduced myself. What you didn't hear?"

"Oh, I heard alright. Just wanted the excuse." She said as she walked off. Noticeably checking Lapis out. He seemed to have not noticed.

...

Well... At least the Androids are proving popular. And here I was worried they'd never make any friends.

"Hey Cell."

Gah! Stupid Surprise Robin.

"Don't do that. I get Snowflame flashbacks."

"If you say so." He said with a shrug.

Superboy came over to join us, looking from me to my siblings. He crossed his arms.

"I don't see the resemblance."

I shrugged.

"They took after mom. She had the good genes..."

"You're a bug man." said Robin helpfully.

"The really REALLY good genes."

"Right, so what's been going on?"

"Same old same old. You?" Asked Robin.

"It's been... A day, yep. Certainly a day."

"Yeah, I heard."

Robin just kinda... Stayed where he was. Not sure why. Probably is a result of having the name Dick. You're doomed to have poor people skills. And being raised by Batman. Poor kid didn't have a chance.

"So are they staying at the mountain to?" Asked Superboy.

"Dunno. They do have the ability to use Ki like I do, so I guess we'll just have to see."

... Hey, I just remembered. I have Namekian hearing... I'm gonna eavesdrop on the Justice League. They can't stop me.

...

"... Two more dimensionally displaced people. This time Teenagers. Why is it always Teenagers?" Said Green Lantern.

Hey... I was technically barely an infant. And I'm pretty sure before I got here I was at least... 20 something or another...ummm, how old was I? Older than 26 for sure... Not 29 or 30... So 27 or 28 when I left... Somewhere in that ballpark...Math... Why do you forsake me?

"Cells ability to absorb them caused a worldwide earthquake and a strom the size of a continent..." Pointed out Hawkman. "... And he was technically in a pocket dimension at the time. Could you imagine what would have happened if that happened on this side. That is a lot of power for someone with Cells... Quirks."

Good point... But... I happen to like Lapis and Lazuli's company. They've grown on me.

"Would you separate him from his own family?" Asked Wonder Woman.

A'wwwww, Diana is sweet.

"I'm not saying that... It's just... Will that happen every time he... Interfaces with them? Worldwide storms and earthquakes."

Oh... That is a very good point. I didn't really intend to... Interface again. I mean... But what if we have to... I guess... Hmmmm, much to discuss with them later.

"We know what we _should_ do, and that is what we _will_ do. If consequences come later, we will deal with it. For now, we'll keep watch... we'll have to discuss this later." Said Batman.

I shot a glance in their direction and... Did Batman know I was listening?

...

Ummm..

I... Wasn't listening... Nope, just... Staring in their direction. No reason to suspect the bug man of eavesdropping. He's just weird like that. That was just an objective fact.

The League came over. I could tell this was going to be fun… aaaaand Lapis walked up to them.

"Hi there." Said Lapis.

He really was just precious.

"Hello... Lapis was it?" Asked Black Canary with a sweet smile.

"Yep. I got a Perpetual Motion Generator for a heart. Its the tits."

Just... Precious.

Black Canary seemed unimpressed, but otherwise said nothing as Lazuli walked on over.

"Do you all wear such colorful costumes?"

"Only when working." Said Canary.

"Your uniform policy, gotta be honest... Not a fan."

A bundle of sunshine and lollipops that one. Watch out Canary, she'll give ya diabetes. I can tell they were just gonna get along great.

...

HA, I SEE YOU BATMAN. No getting the drop on me. No sir.

"Cell."

I turned to him with a raised…. bug brow.

"We've discussed a solution. Same agreement as yours. Would I be correct in assuming they have Ki."

I nodded…. carefully.

"Then they will be taught to control it alongside you."

"Yeah, speaking of which... Where is that teacher?"

"We're working on it."

Got it, they had absolutely no clue. Could've just said that.

"Sounds good to me Bats."

Today was a fun day.


	10. Wizards, Penguins, and Downtime

**Wizards, Penguins, and Downtime**

"It's... Um... What is it?" Asked Wally.

In his hands he held my gift to him. The weapon... um... Is it a weapon? Well what ever it was he was holding it.

"It's a snotgun. I took it from the Trickster after I sneezed him to the side of the Flash Museum."

"Wait, this doesn't shoot acid does it?" Asked Wally.

"I think it's more like a super adhesive."

Sticky snot is sick and slimy. However I doubted it was armed with acid. Otherwise that whole thing would have ended... very differently. And I liked the Trickster, I'd hate if I accidentally melted him to a puddle. That would have been a horrible start to a beautiful friendship... I should visit him.

"You know, I never did get souvenirs from my Central City days. Evidence and all that... But... You sure you don't want to keep it?"

"Nah, figured you'd like it and the story behind it."

"Oh! There's a story. Well don't keep me waiting."

So I did. Didn't leave out a single detail... At least I don't think I did. I mean it was kinda hard to forget when a madman with air walking shoes decides that since you're after him, even though you aren't, he might as well attack first. I get it though, it's the kind of plan I would be happy to come up with... I did lie a bit and told Wally that I actually said "Blow this" when I shot him to the side of the museum. He would never know... not if I had anything to say about it.

"Should have snatched those air walking shoes."

"See the feet?" I asked while pointing to my clawed three toed feet.

"I sometimes forget shoes are a thing to be honest with you."

Wally nodded sympathetically, but otherwise had an air of 'not caring' around him... which kinda made him come across as a dick, but he wasn't a dick. That was Robin who was Dick, he was Wally. duh!

"Must make walks uncomfortable."

"Depends on how enthusiastic the walk is."

"What makes a walk enthusiastic?" Asked a confused Wally.

Ah, an age old question to be sure. One asked by many a people who seek their own walks of enthusiasm.

"Normal walks are pleasant affairs where you relax, enthusiastic walks end in battles with chaos lords in a tower whose inside is another dimension owned by a century's old wizard."

"Wizard? You talking magic? There ain't no such thing as magic."

"I find your lack of faith... Disturbing."

"What, you're telling me you think magic is real?"

"I never claimed to know anything. You can't prove it!"

Wally shrugged in defiance of my textbook perfect argument.

"Whatever Cell."

There was something… Odd about all this. I mean… Wasn't the Flash formula technically magical super alchemy? I'm not 100% sure about that but I think it might be Magical Super Alchemy. Dammit, I can't Wikipedia to check if it was Magical Super Alchemy. Curse being on this side of the fourth wall. Curse it with all of my... curses...Whatever. Just... fuck you wall... I wonder if Wall Man had power over the 4th Wall... I'll have to test this theory later, but for now I needed to figure out what was going on with the... really odd skepticism.

"So, you don't believe in Magic right? You don't find your skepticism a little bit… arbitrary?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean… You can just run faster than any human should. With a bipedal leg structure no less. You literally invalidate all kinds of mathematical models of top human speed based on very careful analysis of the human leg. You out run cars."

"Man, that's not the same thing. Speedsters get our speed from science, not magic. It may look like magic, but that does not mean it is."

"Ah, I see. So you subscribe to the philosophy that any sufficiently analyzed magic is indistinguishable from science?"

"...Are you trying to trick me into admitting magic is real?"

Shit, he's on to me. Must use a carefully laid sentence to throw off suspicion.

"No!"

Nailed it.

"Uh huh, whatever bro. I get that you have a fancy super guitar and went into a pocket dimension but that is all it is, a fancy guitar and a pocket dimension, nothing magical about it. It's smoke and mirrors."

...Am I being Punk'd? I thought that show was cancelled….

Ok adding check television, movies, and other media. Things might be different here… Maybe they have movies that didn't exist back home… I could make a killing if I found one that didn't exist in this universe and was a financially successful back home.

However I had much more pressing matters to deal to like skeptical scarlet speedsters.

"...You literally live in a universe where Atlantis is a real and documented place filled with FISH PEOPLE!"

"Evolution is weird sometimes."

"THEY GREW GILLS? What did the first ones there just have super not drowning skills. Was Guybrush Threepwood from Atlantis? What exact conditions would cause evolution to staple a pair of gills on humans? How long would that even take?"

"Don't know, but it happened."

"Kaldur does not hide the blatant wizardry that shoots out of his hands and… swordy... handle thingys. He can shape water into blades and really kinky whips I've been told."

"Bio-electricity and Aquakinesis… What what about the whips?"

"How is Aquakinesis not magic?" I asked ignoring his question.

"The Kinesis part. Psychics, ergo not Magic."

"Amazonians."

"An all female human subspecies."

…

"...Friction."

"Pardon?"

"You heard me, how is it you don't catch fire when you run?"

"Secondary benefit of Super Speed."

"So it just came with the required secondary power of Fuck Friction? You can just ignore a SCIENTIFIC principle just because? It Just… doesn't apply to you because if it did, Super speed would be a lame power."

"I wouldn't put it like that."

"I would, and I just did. In your Face Wall Man, I win!"

Wally rolled his eyes as he leaned back, looking at his snotgun. Then a smile grew across his face as he shot me a mischievous side glance.

"You say you got a Magical Helmet right?"

I blinked at the abrupt changing of the subject… That was usually my shtick.

"Yeah."

"Alright, go get it. I'm going to prove it to you."

"You're not going to put it on are you?"

That… probably wasn't a very good idea. I mean... I'm irresponsible... a lot... A whole lot... But still... I was learning... eventually... probably... Jury's out on it to be honest.

"Well if you want to admit defeat then…."

Wally was caught off guard as I tossed the Helmet of Fate into his hands. Teleportation is a wonderful thing. No way I was going to lose an argument I knew I could win. I am not losing an argument to a 15 year old. I refuse to lose an argument about the existence of magic inside of a universe BASED ON A COMIC BOOK.

Wally smirked as he set the Helmet on the table and began inspecting it. Not quite sure why really.

"Hmm, the metal is thick enough to have some kind of circuitry running through it. Don't see any seams though."

"Magical circuitry maybe." I said in defiance.

Ignoring me Wally continued his inspection, and I started to notice that as he did, his face became… Confused… Then he started talking to himself.

"No, the power source would need more room than that… Unless it doesn't really… where would the hardware to hold an AI even fit? Maybe… Alien in nature...Hmmm."

He was looking at the Helmet very...very...VERY closely.

"You done inspecting it yet?"

"Just… give me a minute."

He turned it over again and again in his hands. Still looking a bit confused by it all. Then he shrugged and held it in both hands.

"Just a decoration. No way you could fit an AI capable of overriding a human mind and the power source in something so small. At least not without ruining its structural integrity." he said as he gave the Helmet a few hard knocks.

"Would provide a lot of head and facial protection though. Can't really identify the metal, but It's strong whatever it is."

Then Wally lifted the Helmet and put it on…

"Wait I don't..."

…

He turned to me, eyes glowing gold.

"**YOU!**"

…

Oh… this was bad wasn't it?

"Ow!"

Mountain Wall.

"Ow!"

Tree.

"Ow!"

Building. Judging by the moss growing on the inside it was at least abandoned. Thank goodness for small miracles.

"Ow!"

Pretty sure that was a bear... Used to be a bear anyway.

*_gurgling_*

Ocean...

Lots and lots of ocean.

So I got to meet Nabu... He apparently decided immediately that the best possible greeting for me was a nice trip around the world. Sure, I mean how would you feel of you were at the epicenter of the magical equivalent of a Matter/Antimatter explosion with a bit of an LSD mindfuck on the side.

...

"Ow!"

Beach.

Well at least I'm back on land. So that was interesting. That said, apparently I can breathe underwater. Did not know I can do that, but this opens up a world of possibilities against Aquaman villains.

Silver lining, always look on the bright side of everything. Even a violent round the world trip given by a Body Snatching Sorcerer Supreme.

"Ow!"

Mountain... Oh hey I was back. That's nice.

... Did I circle the planet? If so AWESOME!

"**DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE! BEINGS INFINITELY YOUR GREATER NOW GAZE UPON YOU.**"

Upon regrowing... Quite a bit of myself actually, I nodded along.

"So... Is that bad?"

"**Imbecile. Are you truly that foolish. You Summoned a Greater Chaos Lord into this universe of which I defend, and nearly destroy me in the process. Who would protect this universe if Order were to die?**"

I think that was supposed to be, as TV Tropes would say, an Armor Piercing Question... Buuuut I don't claim to know if that was really what I thought it was... It could be laundry for all I know. In fact maybe it was. I'm gonna pretend his question was laundry because it amuses me.

"The Justice League, Green Lantern Corps. Along with The Guardians of the Universe. I mean there are groups who handle this sort of thing."

I was puddled and pasted.

Made a Mess.

I am Become Chunky Salsa. Provider of Meaty Giblets.

But you know how that goes. I just emerged from the puddle no worse for ware. Like a really... REALLY gross phoenix.

Damn Regeneration is awesome.

"Soooo, I take it you vehemently disagree?"

"**Correct.**"

"I don't get what's the big deal, Mister Myxy is Chaotic Neutral at worse."

"**Chaos is Chaos.**"

"Well someone obviously never played D&D. I'm starting to question your alignment. But if there is one thing table top has taught me, you never talk about alignments. Always grids the game to a halt."

"**Are you**... always this idiotic?"

His voice dropped a few decibels. Which was good. Namekian hearing is not fun sometimes.

"Nah, sometimes I'm worse. Say what happened to Klarion the Punchable anyway?"

I'll admit after the utter mind fuck that was that bullshit... I was curious.

"He has been banished. His connection to his familiar, and thus his anchor to this world has been severed. He will return, as Chaos always does."

"Oh... So Jerry Jr. Was his cat... I wondered why he said I smelled of his cat... And the void apparently."

"Void?"

Fate used his PHENOMENAL POWERS to drag me closer to him. I felt like this was an egregious waste of his talents as he could have just... You know... Walked forward… then again the best advice where wizards are concerned is do not meddle in their affairs, for they are subtle and quick to anger.

"Yes, there is the taint of the Void upon you."

"Cool... What is the void?"

"Non-Existence. It has many names. Most call It the Bleed. It is not a universe itself, merely the space between them."

"Very cool. So what's that mean?"

"It means you were traveling through it... And for an excessive period of time for it to linger for as long as it has."

"Well, I already knew that. I'm not exactly from around here, but like… do I have… void powers now? Can I shoot Black Holes is what I'm asking."

Fate ignored me, but he did sigh at my question. I guess I'll take that as a No then. He crossed his arms as he released his magical hold on me.

"So…. Can I have my Wall Man back?"

"With a Greater Lord of Chaos here, Fate must remain to restore Order."

"Riiiight, see that's gonna be a problem. I kicked Klarions ass, now either give me back the Wall Man, or I shall embarrass you to the pain."

"**YOU DARE ORDER FATE!**"

OW! LOUD wizard is LOUD with a capital L.O.U.D. Still, I knew how to handle this situation with grace and maturity... I just chose to ignore that in favor of blatant childishness.

"Blah Blah Blah, I'm Fate, I'm the Avatar of Order, I'm just so fancy with my bucket helmet and my ability to summon ankh's from my ass, but I don't call it an ass I call it my sorcerous sweet super sphincter. What does an Ankh have to do with order anyway? Last I checked it stood for life. And you CANNOT get more chaotic than life itself. Have ya seen us? We poop. Well I don't but I am told life usually poops."

"**...You**… are a very strange character."

"And don't you forget it. Now, give me back the Wall Man, his wall powers are too much for you."

"You really aren't in a position to make demands."

Oh really? You are obviously new here.

"Wanna bet, I will follow you around forever. I am immortal. I'll come back no matter what. Try getting anything done when I'm there to talk your goddamn ear off and thwarting your plans in the most asinine and inexplicable ways I can think of at the time, and I can be VERY asinine and inexplicable. Cause I'm gonna bet you might just be stronger than me, _maybe_, but I'll also bet you have absolutely nothing in your arsenal that can permanently kill a teleporting, immortal, infinitely regenerating, Ki shooting, possibly insane Cicada Man from another universe who tears off his own head for giggles. So you a betting man Nabu?"

"...You cannot be serious."

"Bitch, I literally don't know what that word means."

"Well in…"

"Also I know where you live." I interrupted like the big boy grown up I was.

"**As I was Saying!** In that case we have reached an impasse. However the world needs Fate. I will release young Wallace, however you will seek out a new host so that I may once again bring Order to the Cosmos."

"Yeah, you've actually done very little to convince me you aren't an example of Lawful Stupid."

"Your view is small, you are ill equipped to understand my necessity."

"Vague answer is vague."

"...You are… insufferable."

"Well then why are you suffering me then?"

"**DO WE HAVE A DEAL OR NOT!?**"

Woah! Glow-y boy is extra glow-y when he's mad. But it's so pretty to watch.

…

Gah! Stupid pretty lights. Messing with my inner moth brain. No wonder those guys bump repeatedly into light bulbs. It's... enticing to just slam head first into the pretty pretty lights. However I couldn't afford to be distracted right now. I put a bug claw to my bug chin, tapping it ever so slowly. I could feel the irritation coming off Fate in waves of… well irritation I guess. Irritation waves... Dumbest power ever.

"Alright. You got a deal."

Fate nodded, and lifted the helmet off Wally's head…

Who immediately collapsed on the ground unconscious…

I'm sure he'll be fine, but first.

"_YOINK!_" I said as I snatched up the Helmet of Fate.

I'll put Wally in his room to. Probably could use the rest.

"Lapis, It is your time to shine. Use the power within. Be the you that I know you can be. You must rock the fuck out!"

And rock the fuck out he did. The delicious riffs and tasty power-cording of Lordi's Biomechanic Man blared from the unholy amp. Summoning bio-mechanical dancing demons as he played.

It was learned that the power of **The Motherfucking Boom-Cleaver, Butcher of The Unscented Citrus** transcends talent. By playing it, it gifted a basic understanding of Metal theory, and bestowed the ability to play guitars of all kinds. I learned this fact when I accidentally shredded a normal Cello into splinters with the power of Metallica's Enter Sandman. However when I attempted to use the bow, it exploded in my hands.

There wasn't even any real reason for it to explode either. There was no fuel, no fire, and everyone told me it was a normal cello bow that should have no desire to explode. But it burned like fuel was pumping in it or something. Burning hard, loose, and clean. The fire even turned in my direction, and somehow asked me to quench its thirst with gasoline… I dumped water on it instead.

Never trust sentient talking fire.

Lapis immediately requested the opportunity to be blessed Metallic Wisdom. And who was I to say no to a young acolyte of rock. Especially when said acolyte is family.

As soon as Lapis was done, he carefully handed me **The Motherfucking Boom-Cleaver, Butcher of The Unscented Citrus** and I graciously accepted it.

"It's been an honor." Said Lapis.

I nodded and put my hand on his shoulder.

"You are ready padawan. C'mon let's go shopping, I'm buying you your own ax of rockin'."

"Has anyone ever told you you're the best brother ever."

"No, but they should."

"Here you go." I said as I slid Lazuli the papers.

She took a look at them before looking back at me with a confused stare.

"Lazuli… McSplice?"

"Yep, it's official now."

She stared at me with a look of contempt but also... something else not quite as negative. It was kinda sweet, but I couldn't be sure. Lazuli was a master of the deadpan.

"Please tell me you're joking on the last name."

"Nope. My full legal name is Cell Genome McSplice III. Since we're family, that makes you Lazuli McSplice."

"...Why?"

"I was here first. First come first serve. Lapis seemed to like it."

"Of course he did, he's Lapis."

"True… He is just so precious, but that isn't all I got you. Here."

Lazuli looked at the card of plastic I slid before her, before turning to me with a queer look of mild confusion.

"Is that...credit cards?"

"Yep, well this one is a debit card, but this one is a credit card. I set up a joint account between you, me, and Lapis."

She snatched them up and pocketed them quick as a flash.

"I guess that's nice, but am I going to be paying with real money or monopoly money."

She then looked down at my attire.

"Cause I'm pretty sure you stole that. What are you, broke, got a bit, or do you just call it pre-rich?"

"You know I hear money doesn't buy happiness."

"I'll be sure to let the cashier know that."

"Do you just… exhale sarcasm?"

She shrugged.

"It's a gift. I'm witty, I have wit. I've heard its better than a murder charge, but I wouldn't really know. Prison orange is not my color though so no one is in danger of finding out."

"Well I wouldn't worry about cash, I'm actually currently a multi-millionaire."

…

…

Where did she go?

Having a surprise Brother and Sister was a new experience. If I was going to be a good brother who was the absolute best influ... most Cell of influence... Yeah that works. If I was to be the most Cell of Influences, I needed to make sure everything was taken care of. Investment offices were a fun place, I've visited a couple already, but this one had a very good reputation. Hopefully someone here will be willing to take my money to invest it in a few things I want. One grand thing about waking up in 2010 is the power I now have to use my glorious future knowledge to my advantage.

Plus I know of a few companies besides Lexcorp who's gonna probably be around for just about... forever really. So long as Lex Luthor and Bruce Wayne are alive, investing in them is the way to go. I think, I'm not sure how investments work, but I had enough cash to classify as rich, but not very rich, or stupidly rich. I know dividends were a thing... and that is the exact extent of my knowledge on how it works... but that is why I pay people to invest for me.

I was offered shares with S.T.A.R. Labs though as my bank account soared. Snatched that up like it was gold, cause it probably was.

I think my next order of business after getting into the 1% club would be buying myself a failing music studio. I can think of a few artists who made it big by 2019. They should be newcomers by now.

Yes, It would only be a matter of time before those kiddies had their wigs and I had my very own full size fully functional Gundam... with a retractable groin chainsaw.

I was about to head in, when my eyes drifted over to another building not too far away….

"The Iceberg Lounge."

I can put this off.

Oswald Cobblepot's, also known as the Penguin was old money. His family had always been rich to his knowledge. Sure there was a minor hiccup that forced him into a less than reputable profession, but his life was back on track. That wasn't to say he didn't dip his toe into the Supervillain community, especially those that had lucrative ideas, but required a certain loan to pull off. Robbing a bank for example was difficult without certain tools that he was more than happy to lend out… for the right price of course.

He was also an individual that kept his ear to the ground and made sure to know what new was going on in Gotham. He kept up with the villains plans and reputation. Even those who had fallen so far, like the Woman before him. Oswald did not care for socializing with his fellow rouges, but she was an exception. Catwoman was a thief, and a damn good one. Always useful to have them on your side when you need it.

"One bad job and suddenly I'm the laughing stock of Gotham. How did it come to this?"

"Any reason you can think this Cell character may have targeted you?"

"None I can think of. But word has been spreading. I hear the League of Shadows, or at least some of its members have been asking about him. Even Luthor has supposedly been asking for mercenaries who hit very hard."

"What like Deadshot?"

"A lot harder than that. Metahuman levels minimum."

"Must have been quite the slight against our colleague in Metropolis."

"I hope someone takes Lex up on it." said Catwoman.

To her disappointment, Penguin shook his head.

"Nothing will come from it, the maniac tears off his own head for fun. No one with half a working brain will take on someone whose only goal is to ruin their reputation. In this business sometimes reputation is all you have. Even the whole thing with the Trickster didn't really do anything to him but give him some good will with the public. Some people are saying he's the one who painted the Batmobile pink."

Catwoman sighed.

"I could believe it."

"So what exactly are you going to do now?" asked Oswald.

"Build up my reputation once again and stay away from anyone green. Which is actually why I'm here. I need some...Toys."

"You got a list?"

Before anyone could say anything, the Lounge outside Oswalds office grew quiet as the piano started up.

This wasn't unusual in and of itself, but the unfamiliar voice was, at least for Oswald it was. Catwoman could never forget that voice.

"_At first I was afraid, I was petrified._"

Looking to his security screens, Oswald was floored to see the very bug they spoke of before on the main stage. What really made him pause was the creatures Outfit.

A backless sequin dress, blonde wig, and a feather boa.

"_Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side_

_But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong_

_And I grew strong_

_And I learned how to get along._"

With a simple Jump off the iceberg shaped stage, I landed in between the many tables where the crowds were either laughing their asses off or staring at me in bewildered confusion. Must have been the dress. Not my fault I could pull it off.

"_And so you're back_

_From outer space_

_I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face._"

I flaunted through the crowds with the sass of a thousand sassy lassies.

"_I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key_

_If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me._"

I was fabulous.

Seeing the subject of her ire before her, Catwoman could only glare, she was not so amused even as Penguin was on the floor holding his sides in laughter.

"He's an idiot!"

She agreed.

"_Go on now, go, walk out the door_

_Just turn around now_

_'Cause you're not welcome anymore._"

Catwoman looked and noticed something that caused her to ease her way to the window. Penguin didn't realize it yet, but Cell was making his way ever so slowly towards this office.

"Sorry Ozzy let's put this on hold, Good luck." Said Catwoman as she leapt out the window like her ass was on fire.

"Wha…?

"_Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye_

_Do you think I'd crumble_

_Did you think I'd lay down and die?_"

Suddenly and without warning, a giant Bug man entered the room, snatched up the Penguin, and flew back to the stage in the blink of an eye.

By the time it was over the Penguin had noticed something. Cell was no longer wearing the Dress, Wig, or Feather Boa. Instead it was an impeccable three piece suit specifically designed for his unusual physiology.

Then Penguin noticed a lock of blonde hair in his vision, and looked to see a feather boa around his neck and the sequins dress.

Before that could fully register in his brain however a microphone was shoved into his hands, and the crowds were cheering and laughing all at once. Maybe it was the situation, maybe it was the suddenness of it all, maybe it was because he was a big fan of Gloria Gaynor. He was not sure what made him do it, but he did.

"_Oh no, not I, I will survive_

_Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive._"

Then Cell snatched the microphone from him. The Penguin just stared at his now empty hand.

"_I've got all my life to live_

_And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive._"

Then it hit Penguin exactly what happened.

"_I will survive, hey, hey!_"

Before Oswald could do anything, the music stopped, Cell flew out the door as fast as the Flash, and the room was drowning in laughter. The only saving grace was the dress was placed over his suit. He didn't think he could take it if it wasn't. He did prove to the world however that he could run a lot faster than he looked.

As I was leaving the Iceberg Lounge I tossed a bit of wing that snapped off during my daring escape. I haphazardly tossed it over my shoulder.

You know… if someone wanted to make their own Cell they could probably just follow me around and clone me… but I doubt they'd get far. Even S.T.A.R. Labs had absolutely no idea how I worked.

I'm sure no one would he that stupid.

+++

**Meanwhile, in a secret underground Cadmus Lab**

"_Cellbomination wan'z ah hug!_"

"IT'S ESCAPED!"

"DAVID! NOOOOOO! YOU WE'RE THE BEST OF US! WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE!"

"OH GOD! WHY DIDN'T WE SEE THIS COMING!"

"NO, NOT TENTACLES! ANYTHING BUT TENTACLES!"

"MY EYE'S! ITS HUGGING MY EYES!"

"_Huuuuuugzzz!_"

"IT'S HUGGING HIM, AND THEN IT'S GOING TO HUG ME! OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!"

The laser defenses blasted at the boneless pseudo-amorphous abomination as it hugged the hapless scientists.

"_Cellbomination w'll a've HUGS!_"

"OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

"WE DON'T HAVE FIRE!"

"WELL WHY NOT! OH GOD MY EVERYTHING!"

"_Friiiiend!_"

Soon there were no survivors save one.

Dr. Gregory Salas starred in abject horror as the beast creeped and leaped around. It gleefully gargled. It glides and slides across the floor and out the door through its new lair. Demanding hugs. Always Hugs. Already many others were trapped within the beasts amorphous flab as it moved around the walls with a splotch and a blotch.

Truly they had created a monster.

"_Cellbomination wan' frien who nah go pop._"

A monster of their own creation. One who could not be stopped without… drastic means. Dr. Salas knew what had to be done

**Emergency Self Destruct System Initiated!**

"God Help us all."

"_Celbomination wan' all hugz!... Giv Cellbomination hugz."_

+++

Well whatever, not like it was my problem is someone decided to take a crack at Dr. Gero's most mad of science.

I wonder what I should do tomorrow?


	11. Dinner and a Show

**Dinner and a Show**

"Lapis... What are you wearing?"

"Lazuli got it for me. I'm a cowboy now. Ya like it?"

... I mean I didn't dislike it. The rhinestone cowboy look suited him... Glen Campbell would be proud, but I know a custom fit when I see one. In hindsight, giving a 15 year old access to millions was... Not my best idea, buuuut I can't really fault her taste. The black and red really worked well together.

"Where is she anyway?"

"I dunno... Mars I think."

"Pardon?"

"Something like that anyway. She specifically said she wanted to test her skills against another species." Said Lapis with a shrug.

"So like... Training?"

"No, she specifically said it had nothing to do with training."

"Then what skill is she testing?" 

* * *

"Green and red do not go together outside of very specific holidays."

"Young lady, I am a green martian and we cannot change the color of the soil."

"Never got around to inventing dye huh. How did your species manage?"

"Your constant tone of indifference and contempt is noted, but we are capable of shapeshifting, dye is an irrelevant invention for us."

"Well objectively everything is irrelevant, maybe we should all just stop breathing so the universe can get on with inevitable entropy."

"...I can't tell if you are joking or not."

"Sorry, I suppose it's my fault for thinking a planet as dry as this would appreciate my own brand of humor."

"... If J'onn has to deal with creatures such as yourself I can't imagine why would he want to stay on your planet."

"I couldn't possibly imagine why either, with lush rain forests, snow-capped mountains, and sparkling oceans the view on Earth is so much worse than the gorgeous barren wastelands of Mars."

*_Groans_* 

* * *

"Your guess is as good as mine man." Said Lapis with an indifferent shrug.

I'm starting to wonder if them being in my head might have effected them... Or seeing that crazy shit after I shoved the Helmet of Fate on Klarion.

Oh well, they seem to have adjusted fine.

"Well, how's the new guitar?"

"It's the shit. It won't summon demons or anything, but it gets the job done."

That was nice to hear.

"So any plans for today?" I asked.

"Not really, no."

Hmmmm.

"When Lazuli gets back from her... Whatever I think we'll go on a trip or something. Not like we actually do anything around here anyway."

"What about that whole teacher thing?"

"Not... Quite sure about that one to be honest with you. Near as I can tell, the League knows no one who used Ki or Chi or whatever they call it. I think we're just here so they can keep an eye on us."

"So like... Babysitting? Whats the wor..." Before Lapis could finish those most foolish of words my bug hand clamped around his mouth.

He stared back at me with a raised bow. I decided to enlighten hin to his almost mistake.

"Do not say those words, do not even think those words. Nothing good comes to those who speaks to the universe with pride they ought not to have."

I remove my hand, to his utter confusion.

"Never invoke a literary convention. Ever."

"Alright. If you say so bro."

I nodded, satisfied with averting potential disaster.

"_Recognized Guest A03 Lazuli._"

Lazuli stepped right on in from the Twilight Zone. I eyed the teleportation machine suspiciously. I'm on to you Computer Voice. I know you're planning something.

Lazuli took a seat near Lapis with her arms crossed and her face blank. Well it was always blank but it was especially blank now.

"So how was Mars?" I asked.

"Dry, red, dusty, and highly entertaining."

"Neat, I wanna go." Said Lapis.

"Oh, also I've been banned for the foreseeable future."

"Ah, now that's the sister I know and love." I said happily.

"Why?" Asked Lapis.

"Something, Something, Something. I don't know. I used up my snark quota. When's lunch?"

"I dunno. Wanna go out? My treat."

"Sounds cool to me." Said the precious Lapis.

"Sure."

"Awesome it'll be fun. A sibling outing to get to know each other. Brilliant plan, way to go me." I said with a smile.

"I wouldn't go patting myself on the back just yet. Knowing you something stupid will ruin everything... Oh look, new snark quota came in." Deadpanned Lazuli. 

* * *

It was an upper class establishment. It was so fancy in it's ostentatiousness that the violinists from Titanic were playing music in the corner. Which was nice.

"Table for three." I said to the matradee.

"Do you have..."

And there it is. The 'Is that a bugman' look. He only just looked up from his book... List... Thing. Thats fine, I knew how to deal with this.

"No reservation, but..."

It's amazing the things you can get done with a wad of cash, and while the guy was wary, well he was also a Gothamite, and snatched it up without another word. Once we were at our seats, we got ordered our grub. I... was a fan of bloody rare steak.

"Surprise me." Said Lazuli as she didn't even open her menu.

"Oh... Very well, and you sir?"

"I want something good." Said Lapis.

Just precious.

"Just get him the same thing." I said.

With that done we sat comfortably.

"So... How you two liking the whole new universe thing?"

"Fucking sweet so far." Said Lapis.

"I don't dislike it." Said Lazuli.

"Well that's good."

"The overly colorful superheroes are a bit much. What is they're deal?" Askies Lazuli.

I shrugged.

"Its a case by case basis. Though usually dead parents have something to do with it. Not always, but rule of thumb where heroes is concerned, assume at least one dead parent. If they're parents aren't dead, then they were probably assholes."

"That sucks." Said Lapis.

"Indeed. For some reason, the more loving and supportive they were, the higher likelihood they will die, how horrible their death is is inversely proportional to their level of basic human decency. In most other cases, the parent was an asshole who exists for the hero to angst over."

"And the one who wears his underwear outside his pants?"

"Superman? He's actually an odd case. Biological parents are dead, but he's probably got the best possible adoptive parents on this planet. The whole reason he's as optimistic, unfailingly kind, and known as the big blue boy scout is is due to good parenting."

"Neat." Said Lapis.

"Super." Lazuli deadpanned.

Our food came in not long after that. Apparently the waiter assumed two teenagers would appreciate salmon.

"What about you two? What's your story?"

"Orphans."

... Oh, right... Forgot about that.

Shit... I suck at this.

"Oh, uh... Sorry."

"Hn, nothing to be sorry about. Never really met them." Said Lazuli with a shrug. "Pretty sure they would have been assholes though."

Well... That's...optimistic?... I think.

"What about you?" Asked Lapis.

"Huh?"

Lapis tapped on the side of his temple.

"We been in your head man, We know somethings up. I mean we were in the fiction section."

"Oh right. That."

"So what is the story there?" Asked Lazuli. "Cause I'm guessing either the story is really stupid or really interesting. My money's on the former."

"Those two concepts aren't mutually exclusive." I said.

Lazuli shrugged, since she didn't say anything I guess that was my cue to actually answer their question.

"Well, we're not quite as different as you'd think."

"You must have a very strange definition of the word different." Said Lazuli.

"What if I told you, I used to be human."

"Operative word being 'used' I'd wager." said Lazuli.

"Indeed. Not much to tell to be honest with you, I just kinda... Woke up in a cocoon... Thing. I knew of Cell though."

"Clearly, he was in the Dragonball series. We saw that much though this Cell character seemed less... Stable? Is stable the right word? I don't want to assume but using the word stable to refer to you feels wrong."

"Ha, nice." Said Lapis.

"True, but what are you gonna do." I said with a shrug.

"So how did it happen anyway?"

"I dunno'"

"...That's it?"

"About sums it up yes."

"That's not what I... You Know what, never mind. I suddenly have stopped caring."

"Ah, now you are learning young Lazuli. Don't ask questions. Especially if the answers are probably incomprehensibly retarded." I said with a shrug.

"Fair enough."

Then the gunshots went off...

Because of course they did. Why wouldn't they? I mean was here, it's a miracle it didn't happen sooner. The universe must have been losing its touch. We actually got to enjoy the food first. Lapis, Lazuli and I turned to the entrance where several mooks dressed as clowns decided to waltz on in shooting the ceiling. Probably because it was the only target they could actually hit. Comic book mooks had aiming that made Imperial Stormtroopers look like Deadshot.

This is saying something.

Of course we'd run into this asshole. I was kinda hoping for an actual family outing where nothing bad would happen, but no. This had to be one of those again nine times out of ten it was one of those times. The other tenth of the time it was me contemplating whether or not Snowflame was a shared hallucination. I'm leaning towards no, but I couldn't be sure.

"This normal?" Asked Lapis.

"Must be Thursday. Never could get the hang of Thursdays." I said with a sigh.

And in walked the Clown Prince of Crime himself.

So it begins.

Anyway the Killer Clown himself was here. Sadly this one wasn't from outer space, which meant a definite lack of turning humans into cotton candy for future consumption.

"Sorry about the mess everyone, I juat heard a new comic was in town and I decided to pay him a visit... And there he is." Said the Joker as he made his way to our table, pulled up a seat, and sat down like he owned the place.

Which I know he didn't. The big 'Wayne' sign told me that much.

"Ah, if it isn't Cell. I've heard a lot about you. Gotta say, I'm a fan of your work. Love what you did to the little puddy cat. Gotta love the classics, I'm a Gilbert and Sullivan fan myself."

"..."

I lifted my hand.

"Check please." I said.

I could only hope that the everyday insanity of Gotham made the staff punctual and used to stupid shit like this. I was disappointed when my waiter just kinda... Sat there holding his own head and possibly crying.

Fucking Thursdays.

"Oh Cell, I'm hurt. I feel like you don't want to talk with me."

"No no, it's not that. It's just, well this was supposed to be a family outing. You kinda just barged in on dinner."

I really hoped to have at least one day go by without something inexplicable happening. Just once.

"Family?" Asked the Joker with a smile, which I'm certain is his default expression, as he looked from Lazuli to Lapis.

"Huh, so are you adopted or are they?"

"So..." Said Lazuli, getting the Jokers attention. "...do you usually go for the low hanging fruit? Adoption really? Heard it before."

Joker quirked his head a bit.

"It's been a slow day." Said the Joker with a shrug.

"Special Ed classes dragged on a bit to long?"

"Oh you have a tongue on you. Alright, now I'm interested. So Cell, who are the kiddies?"

I didn't say anything. Lazuli wouldn't let me.

"We're right here, you could ask us. Remedial and blind, how do you function." said the Deadpan Queen of the table.

"Oh I see you just fine, with his get up I saw you on the way in." said the Joker, motioning to Lapis... who was still dressed as a Cowboy.

Lazuli rolled her eyes as she went back to her meal. The Joker didn't seem to like that... For about a microsecond.

"Oh where are my manner. Names Mr. Joker, and you are?" He asked as he put his hand forward for a shake.

Lazuli didn't take it...

Lapis on the other hand.

"I'm Lapis." He said as he took the hand.

Then the electricity came. Lapis stood still, his eyes on the hand. His body motionless as his hair stood up. The Joker chuckled as he held it there. Then Lapis giggled. The Joker heard it, but didn't seemed too put off, if anything he seemed even more interested.

"That tickles." said Lapis, his hair standing on end, his cowboy hat nowhere to be seen.

The Joker removed his hand leaving Lapis none the worse for ware. Joker drummed his fingers in the table before looking to me, he chuckled a bit.

"Yep. Defiantly related to you."

"And the clown can learn, gold star Mr. Joker." Deadpanned Lazuli.

He tut'd and shook his head.

"My my, I see the problem. Your funnybone is as dry as the Sahara."

Lapis with a look of confusion on his face, decided to speak up

"Aren't bones wet?"

The Joker turned to him.

"What was that?"

"Bones. They're inside of us. Blood is inside of us to. And blood is wet, so wouldn't bones be wet?"

...

"You're one of those special children aren't you." Asked the Joker Rhetorically.

The rhetorical nature of the question was lost on Lapis.

"I got a perpetual motion machine for a heart. I think that's pretty special. Well I mean Lazuli has one to, but mine is better."

"Your mother must be so proud." Said Joker through a wide grin.

I feel like this conversation might have been hijacked from me.

Was this conversation hijacked from me?

"We're orphans." Said Lapis.

"Of course you are... Alright enough with the brats, So Cell, before I get side tracked again, I just needed to come over to ask you a little question. Nothing major mind you, just wondering... Were you the one who painted the Bat-mobile pink?"

Ohhhh, so that's what this was about.

"Yeah."

"Thought so. Alright, seeing as you're new I'm willing to let this slide. Everyone has to have a gimmick, I get it. Really I do, Crane has his spooky scarecrow shtick, Harvey loves himself some duality, Eddy riddles... Constantly, and Ivy is a green peace headcase. But jokes... Those are mine."

...

So it's pride then. Makes sense. I mean if another Bug Man decided to troll his way through the DC universe I'd probably be a bit annoyed, but I wouldn't really care either way since my goals would still be accomplished whether I do it or not. That said, the Joker is remarkably good at ignoring any situation that would annoy anyone else. Perhaps a new method should be used.

I wonder? What if I used my 4th Wall knowledge to my advantage... Oh that's a good one. Lets try it out.

"Say can I ask you something?"

The Joker blinked but motioned for me to continue.

"I've been trying to put together a little project. It's gonna be the next big thing, I call it Star Wars the animated series..."

"I'm sorry is this going anywhere or are you just stalling?"

"No, Just wondering. See I got everything ready. Just need some voice actors. I've been listening to you talk about Monty Python or whatever and I think your voice would be perfect for Luke Skywalker."

The Joker... Actually seemed to consider it for a moment. He could never know how much this was amusing me.

However after a minute he immediately shrugged off the idea with a faux aghast look.

"Me! A hero? I'm appalled at the mere idea."

"You have to admit you sound a lot like a disturbed Mark Hamill."

The Joker hummed to himself, before shrugging.

"Never noticed..." He said as he froze for a split second. "Hmmmm, actually now that I'm thinking it... I can't unhear it."

Ah, there it is. Just the opening I needed.

"Good, Good. Now you understand." I said in my best Palpatine voice, which for Imperfect Cell was close enough when I put a bit of inflection and rasp into it.

The Joker rose a brow.

"Are you mocking me?"

"Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the dark side." ...

"Ok stop that."

"Let the Hate flow through you."

The Joker narrowed his eyes and pulled out a gun, before pointing it in my face.

"Do you really want to do thi..." Was about as far as the Joker got before Lazuli snatched the gun with one hand and crushed it in a single fluid motion. With one hand no less.

The Joker just stared at the spot the gun once was. Seemingly not quite sure what happened.

"Everything is proceeding as I have forseen. " I said, interrupting his thoughts.

He grunted and pulled out yet another gun, only this time as soon as he aimed he pulled the trigger. The bullet just bounced right off.

"Oh, I'm afraid the deflector shield is quite operational." I Palpatine'd.

The Joker blinked.

"This is not exactly how I expected tonight to go." he said as he haphazardly tossed the gun over his shoulder.

"No, the line is I am a Jedi, like my father before me. Come on man, what are you? An amateur."

Suddenly acid in my face. Yay for lethal joke flowers. It slipped right off my exoskeleton like water off a… something waters fall off of… stoners I think.

"I'm melting, melting! Who would have thought a little man like you could destroy such beautiful trollishness."

The Joker growled a bit.

"I will not be the butt of your Jokes. That is exactly opposite how this is supposed to go. Laughing along is one thing, but I will not be laughed at by a giant green insect... Lizard... Thing."

"Maybe your sense of humor just sucks." Said Lazuli.

The Joker actually, honestly, for real… just froze as he slowly turned to Lazuli.

"Did that bitch just..."

"Gotta admit, the electricity was my favorite part. Can we do that again?" Asked Lapis, interrupting the Clown Prince of Crime, which he apparently was not a fan of. Go figure.

"You two are starting to annoy me. Who even are you?"

"Don't be silly, I'm Lapis. We met when you electrocuted me."

"That's not..."

"Ignore him Lapis, I am. He's blind and slow anyway. Maybe he'll go away."

"...What is happening right now?"

Well objectively what was happening was a guy who was disfigured to look like a clown was holding up a restaurant to talk to a giant bug man for paining a car hot pink. Seemed fairly straightforward to me, not sure how he could get lost over that. Maybe that chemical bath gave him short term memory loss. Like that movie 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler. Though really I preferred the Waterboy. I thought it was funny anyway. Too bad Sandler went downhill after that.

What was going on again?

…

Oh right the Joker. Huh he's just standing there.

"Are you still here?" I asked.

"Cell I'm warning y..."

I tuned him out, this was supposed to be a fairly normal night out, and now I was getting threatened by a clown. I mean there really wasn't much he could do to me, Lapis or Lazuli, so at the moment he was basically about as threatening as a particularly annoying yappy dog who won't shut up at every mote of dust that happens across it's vision or something.

"Where the hell is my check?"

"STOP IGNORING ME!"

"Well then, be entertaining and maybe I won't get distracted... Oh hey a light bulb!"

It was a pretty light, one that caused old instincts within my bug brain to want to smash my face into it over and over again….. Aaaaaaaand the Joker decked me right in the face. Which seemed like a bit of an overreaction on his part. I didn't even feel it really. Wonder why he hasn't removed his fist yet. It's in my vision, making it kinda dark.

"Hello fist."

The Joker sighed as he took his seat. He rested his head on his fist as he stared back at me with a look that screamed 'I'm too old for this shit'.

"You know… you really are not as much fun as I hoped."

"I'm not a clown, I don't entertain others at the drop of a hat. That's your thing."

Joker rolled his eyes.

"Oh bravo for that one, walked right into it. Seriously you are nothing like I expected."

I shrugged.

"Not my problem. You're not exactly what I expected either, you don't see me crying about it. You're more on the Murder side of the Killer Clown thing instead of the funny side. I mean, the Trickster is funnier than you."

That… seemed to have touched a nerve.

"HE'S A HACK! A PALE IMITATION!"

"Are you really in any position to call anyone pale? There are these things called mirrors, use them. That's what they are there for." Deadpanned Lazuli.

The Joker looked to Lazuli… his expression blank, but not the I-Am-So-Angry-I'm-Going-to-Kill-You-with-your-own-internal-organs blank look, rather it was the, this-shit-stopped-being-fun blank look… Yes there was a difference.

"Hn...You know what. I don't have to take this from you. I'm leaving." Said the Joker as he got up out his seat He looked to me with crossed arms.

"You have ruined this evening for me, I hope you're proud of yourself." He said as he snapped his fingers at his goons.

"We're outta here gang. Some people just have no taste." He said as he headed out of the door.

They just kinda watched as their boss left before quickly running after him. The room was silent for the longest moment. That uncomfortable silence no one dared to break...

"Check Please!" I said... Hopefully for the last time. 

* * *

A/N: Because all Jokers are Mark Hamill in my reality.


	12. The Wall That Wasn't There Yesterday

The Wall That Wasn't There Yesterday

"Sorry that had to happen."

"You kidding? It was fun, you might even say... Electrifying." Said Lapis.

"You're such a dork Lapis."

In response,Lapis merely shrugged.

"Well yeah, but really that goes without saying."

Lazuli shrugged, but what kinda caught me off guard was that she smirked a bit, which was... An interesting expression to see on her face. I was used to her being constantly expressionless. She shook her head before turning to me.

"Don't worry about it, I expected something like this to happen anyway." Said Lazuli.

"You did call it didn't you." Huh... Damn... Could have made a DBZ!A reference, cause as Cooler would say, she did indeed Fucking Call that hypothetical phone.

Oh well, opportunities come and go as they do. Lapis returned to her expressionless look and nodded.

"I'm of the mind that cynicism is optimism of another color. You're either proved right or pleasantly surprised." She said.

"That's one way of looking at it I suppose..."

Which was about as far as I got... Because I stepped into an open sewer...

What was this Loony Tunes? Who comes up with this shit?

"Hi Cell."

"Hi Croc."

"Nice of you to drop in."

"Couldn't help it, could you."

"Gotta be honest. I always hoped for the opportunity."

"Okay..." I said as I leapt up out of the sewer. Suit... Once again... Ruined. I'm sensing a theme, and I don't like it.

Lapis and Lazuli stood silent as out from the depths, ten feet tall, came a giant crocodile man in a Trench coat.

Croc took one look at them before turning to me.

"So... Who are these two?"

"Croc this is my brother and sister, Lapis and Lazuli. Lapis, Lazuli this is Croc."

"Hi, you look cool." Said Lapis with a smile and a wave.

Lazuli nodded in Crocs direction.

...

"I'm sorry but... Brother and Sister?"

"I know... I know, we've heard it before. Yes, were siblings."

"Where did they come from?" Asked Croc.

Lazuli, as always, couldn't resist.

"Never got the talk? You see when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much..."

"Alright ya damn smartass." Said Croc, though his tone was amused.

"They have their own little quirks." I helpfully provided.

"If you say so..." Said Croc as he turned to the twin cyborgs. "Like he said, the names Croc, Killer Croc."

"You parents must have been unnecessarily cruel to name you that." Deadpanned Lazuli.

"It's a nick." Said Croc with a shrug.

"Oh! I want a nickname." Said Lapis.

"Cy-boy." I said helpfully.

"...That's fucking stupid dude."

Well I tried, and in the end isn't that all that really matters... Nah, success is so much better. I mean if you try at everything and fail, well what was the point in the first place. I guess that saying was coined by losers who failed at everything they did... Forget that noise Cell ain't no loser.

"It is not a stupid nickname." I said with the maturity of a thousand toddlers.

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't."

"Yes it is."

No it isn't."

Lapis just continued to smile.

"No it isn't."

"Yes it is." I said reaching my limit.

"No it isn't."

"Yes, it's a stupid nickname and that is FINAL!" Sometimes you just had to put the foot down... Or... claw I guess.

"Alright, fine that Nickname is fucking stupid, ya happy?"

I smirked contently.

"Yes, yes I... Oh well played young Lapis. Well played indeed."

"I saw that in the fiction section. It made me laugh."

I couldn't be prouder of my loony little Lapis. In fact I had the sudden urge to pinch his cheeks, but I resisted... because for all I know they were secretly flotation devices.. Dr. Gero was a strange man.

"Awww, thats cute." Interrupted Croc.

...

Gotta be honest, I forgot he was here.

"Bout as cute as a brain damaged puppy pissing on the couch."

Thank you Lazuli for the input.

"So Croc, how ya been?"

"Same old same old... You?"

"Don't get me started."

"Oh, now I gotta know."

Well... He did ask for it.

I recounted my tales of nonsense and bullshit to the ten foot tall crocodile man, who merely nodded as the story got less and less... Coherent might be the right word.

As I finished, Corc just kinda... Stared at me.

"Sounds... I dunno... Fun I guess? I'm just gonna be honest here Cell, it sounds like you lost your damn mind... What was left of it I mean."

"Wasn't much to begin with to be honest with you."

"Ya think?"

"True. But whatcha gonna do." I said with a shrug.

"Not much I'd say. In any case, I'll be going. I have a new episode of Swamp People to watch, and some fresh grub with my name on it."

...

"I'm sorry but... Isn't that the show where they kill alligators?"

"Yep. I'm studying their tactics. Once I know them like the back of my claws, I will avenge my brothers."

"Neat." Said Lapis.

"Bet your ass it's neat, anyway I'll see ya later Cell. You to brats. Don't be strangers." Said Croc as he leapt back into the sewer.

"It was nice meeting you." Screamed Lapis down the hole, before turning to me.

"You to!" Screamed Croc back.

Lapis smiled.

"He seemed nice."

"He's not to bad for a giant cannibalistic lizard man who lives in the sewers."

"I'm sure the people he has eaten thought the exact same thing." Said Lazuli.

"Wouldn't know. Never thought to ask a litteral turd."

"Ha, nice." Said Lapis.

"So how'd you meet him?" Asked Lazuli.

"He was the first person I met when I emerged from my cocoon, and he was not only civil but offered me a place to go... Didn't take him up on it, he lives in a sewer after all, but it's the thought that counts."

"And the eating people thing?"

"This is Gotham, anyone who willingly walking the streets at night is either a criminal or a moron."

Lazuli rose a brow...

"Would have been nice to know that beforehand because in case you missed it..." She said before pointing at the moon above. "It's night, so that would make you... I'm leaning towards moron."

I looked at it before turning back to her.

"Yeah well... You're out here to."

"Guilt by association is an ad hominem."

"Your face is an ad hominem, besides I don't count. I can blow up the planet."

"Your Logic is impeccable." She Deadpanned.

"Glad you agree." I said, causing her to roll her eyes.

"So what's next?" Asked Lapis.

"I guess we could go back to the mountain. I do really need to check on Wally."

"Ok...why?" Asked Lapis

"Bit of a hiccup involving a magic helmet."

* * *

When we got back, Wally was up already. And not exactly in the best of states. A bit jumpy really.

"You ok?" I asked.

"I feel like I was hit by a freight train to the soul."

"Neat. I wanna try it." Said Lapis.

"Maybe when you're older." I said.

"Not neat, not neat at all." Said Wally as he leaned back.

"Need anything?" I asked.

"No... Nothing. Just... Keep that thing away from me."

"Not going to be an issue."

Wally nodded.

"So... What are you gonna do with it?"

"I dunno... I've been carrying it around with me."

Wally looked at me suspiciously.

"Where?"

In response, I opened my tail and spat out a saliva covered Helmet of Fate. Side note, saliva is the correct word, the tail is technically a mouth, even has taste buds lining the inner walls. Wally stared at it before I tail swallowed it back up.

"...That's disgusting."

"Disgusting yes, convenient... Also yes. Tastes like order though. Side note, order has a taste. Bit chalky but not bad."

"I thought you needed someone to punch you to get anything out." said Wally as he looked at me slightly confused.

"No just them, that's due to the process of becoming Perfect Cell. You see it… I suppose lodges them in place would be the closest to explaining what exactly is going on."

"Can we please not talk about that. I had finally repressed those memories of the unpleasant exit." Said Lazuli.

"Oh, sorry."

Lazuli nodded before I turned back to Wally

"Either way, I believe you owe me… a win."

"What?"

"Pretty conclusive proof of magic if I say so myself. I don't want anything. Just say, Cell you were right."

"...I'm not saying that. Ever."

There was a tone of finality to his voice, one I had expected. Wally was a logical individual, he had to be to create the Flash Formula with almost nothing to go on. WHich he was very lucky didn't end in him turning into a ball of protoplsamic death the likes of which the world had never seen... or a chicken or something, DC plays fast and loose with science.

That said, I rose a bug brow, but nodded nonetheless.

"I expected as much, which is why I… have taken the liberty of helping you out with your phasing problem."

"...my what?"

"See, word around the mountain is you have a terrible case of phasing dysfunction when it comes to vibrating through solid objects. Remarkably common problem actually. So I bricked off your room in the Mountain... You're welcome."

"YOU DID WHAT!?" screamed Wally before he flashed on out the room, before he flashed back in.

"You… you…"

"Call me Edgar Allan Poe because I just Cask of Amontillado'd your shit like it was my job."

His face of utter confusion and sputtering WTF-itude was highly amusing to watch.

"...Break it down…. Now!"

I stood on up, putting my claw on Wally's shoulder. He just glared at me.

"But think of the opportunity, all the practice you could ever need for your nascent wall powers."

"MY HOMEWORK IS IN THERE!"

"Well you could practice vibrating through the bricks and cement… or… you could say it."

Wally narrowed his eyes. He seemed quite cross.

"I'm just going to find Superboy an…"

"Ohhhh, so sorry, he's in Atlantis at the moment with Kaldur and M'gann. You want that wall down, you're either gonna have to better yourself and phase through it, or say it. So what's it gonna be?"

"...You're an asshole… ya know that."

"I'm petty, childish, and have a moth brain, I get to be as much of an asshole as I want. Either way, I win. Either I get to call you Wall Man and have it actually mean something, or I get you to admit I was right. No matter what Wally… I win, and that's all that really matters."

Wally used face palm.

It's super effective.

He took a deep breath, before staring back at me with narrowed eyes.

"You know what… I'm going through that wall myself." He said before he sped off.

Lapis and Lazuli… who had been watching the entire time, joined me at the table.

"What was that all about?"

"Well, I figure a shotgun wasn't the best apology, so I decided to give him the motivation to get past one of his hangups."

"Wait… you mean you're helping him?" Asked Lazuli.

"What? I can be subtle."

Lazuli only looked at me like I just lied to her face.

I… did not lie… this time at least, and most certainly not to her. You don't lie to family.

"I can be subtle, well… in my own Cell-y way of course."

"Cool." Said Lapis.

Indeed it was. The way I see it, no matter what this ends up good for me. Wally to if he actually managed to pull it off. Isn't helping people nice. Well now with him gone, kinda had nothing to do anymore... Huh. I looked at the now empty table…I can confirm that the table was indeed empty. Bare as could be… Nothing on it. Which meant the opportunity to put something on it.

So lets put something on it.

"Hey I know what we can do." 

* * *

The Moon bled scarlet light as eldritch lightning crackled across the sky. The Lord of Chaos exhaled a miasma of arcane entropic intent, leaving a scar across the night.

As his power grew, he launched a beam towards the grounds, releasing an army from beyond the grave. Necromantic energy released an army of countless skeletal soldiers. The army moans into the night, obsidian blades banged against ebony shields as the armies marched towards you…

The Lord of Chaos cackled in mad glee.

"You fools, face the wrath of my undead armies."

In response the skeletons charged forward.

…

"Alright guys, roll initiative." I said.

"Wait what!?" Screamed Lapis.

"You heard me, you have an army of skeletons to deal with, hop to it."

"But…I'm a rogue, Do they know where I am?"asked Lapis.

"Yes."

"Then how the Fuck am I supposed to rogue if they know where I am?"

"We got this Lapis. We'll cover you, just get out of sight and backstab those bastards like the asshole you are" Said Also Cell.

Lapis with the seriousness of a general who was just told nukes was heading his direction, merely nodded.

"What does the terrain look like?" Asked the Bugman Currently known as Cell.

"It's relatively barren. The grounds are cracked and covered in the bones of old forgotten beasts."

"How many skeletons are we talking?" Asked Other Cell.

"Two dozen."

"Ok, I'm calling bullshit…" said Lazuli. "...no way this stupid Necromancer is that strong. I want to roll a perception check."

I nodded as Lazuli rolled. We looked to the result….

The Legends were true.

"Natural 20 bitch." She said with a smirk.

"You notice the skeletons armor isn't as strong as it should be. Barely held together. You can tell it's built to look impressive, but without any real practical benefit."

"Knew it. This guy's a bitch. We'll kick his fucking teeth in." Said Lazuli.

"_What is this_?"

The game stopped as Lapis, Lazuli, Other Cell, Also Cell, the Bugman Currently Known as Cell, and I turned to our intruder.

Obviously Red Tornado.

"Dungeons and Dragons." I said.

Red Tornado stared at the table, before turning to me and nodding.

"_May I join_?"

"Come on over Red. These guys could use a cleric. They're Barbarian keeps almost dying."

"Hey!"

"Oh shut up Other Cell, you barely held up against Kobolds…. Fucking Kobolds."

"Ok, first of all those bastards had Caltrops and wouldn't stop throwing them, second Fuck you for giving them Caltrops."

"They're Kobolds… why would they fight fairly against a Fucking Barbarian Goliath. Especially one who successfully intimidated the roof into caving in? Who even does that?"

"Baneblood the Mighty does that. Besides it was a crit, crits supersede reality, and that roof was obviously a pussy."said Other Cell smugly like the prick he was.

"You're lucky that your Crit philosophy is both logical and brilliant, otherwise that roof would have stayed right where it was."

"Can we get back to the game or what? I want to rain down some fire on these undead bastards." Said Lapis.

"Mature as always." said Lazuli as she drummed her fingers on the table next to her character sheet.

I sighed before turning back to Red Tornado.

"C'mon Red, we'll say you wandered in on the fight or something."

"_Excellent_."

"Fine but after this I demand Victory Cake." said Other Cell.

"Well then you better kill the Lord of Chaos or you're gonna get a Failure Feast. Which is a tic tac."

"Fuck you Cell."

"I'm the DM, do not make me soul fuck you straight to the Nine Hells." 

* * *

"Eh, what's up Doc." I said in my nest Bugs Bunny voice.

Dr. Harding looked to me with a bit more pep in his step.

"Cell, I'm glad you're here, come, I have something to show you."

With a shrug I walked on after the doc as we made our way past the normal science equipment straight to the Mad science equipment. The main difference being the Mad Science Equipment looked like it wouldn't be out of place in a Frankenstein movie… but like, a cyberpunk Frankenstein…

…

Note to self, pitch a Cyperpunk Frankenstein movie to every studio in the world. If one of them takes it I can make a mint. Maybe throw in Electro-Dracula and the fabled MechaWolf. Anyway as we made our way to our actual, destination, Sammy moved aside, showing me some kinda meaty… thing in a tank. He seemed awfully proud of whatever it was.

"Well… what do you think?"

"Its Amazing! Marvelous! Stupendous! Colossal! Tremendous! Gigantic! Astounding! Unbelievable! Spectacular! Phenomenal! And it's good, too… what the Hell is it Sammy?"

He sighed, he probably should have seen that one coming.

"It's our first major success after studying your biology. Its an artificial liver."

I poked the tank that it was held in. Sammy seemed to not appreciate that, if his expression was anything to go by, but he said nothing.

"Neat."

"The liver has a lot of functions we can't fully replicate, but this thing is the closest we've ever come. It's can detoxify, aids in metabolic functions, it even produces bile. It can't do everything a normal liver can. Blood clotting and the production of certain hormones will be severely diminished, but it's the closest we've ever gotten."

"Also neat."

And it was. I'd assume that at the very least it would help people who need just that little bit more time for a transplant to become available.

"Indeed. We're not quite up to human trials, but I cannot tell you just how amazing this is. Its revolutionary. So far, none of the apes have rejected it and under a careful eye, it is just as good as the real thing. It's not really a full on replacement, but it is damn close."

…

"Cool… why does it look nothing like a liver?"

It really didn't. It looked… rounder than a liver should be. Almost like a deflated basketball. It looked very sad for something that was supposed to be revolutionary.

"It's… mostly synthetic, the shape is a result of the building process. It's composed mostly of polymers we've managed to harvest from you."

…

"I hate to say this doc… but the word harvest worries me."

I swear If I wake up in a tub of ice missing my kidneys, you are suspect number one. I don't care if I can grow them back. They're my kidneys.

"We're not exactly sure… how to create the biopolymers that make up a lot of your internal organs. We know it's some kind of… bioplastic your body can synthesize, but that's about it. It's…. Infuriating. We've had to take what we can from you directly."

Translation...

Imma farm now!

"Just… call it donation instead of harvesting. If you wouldn't mind."

"Very well."

Well this was nice. Dr. Gero's mad science could be used for good. Who knew? Wonder how the asshole would have taken that. Probably wouldn't care, the prick. Guess that's what happens when you build weapons for a known terrorist organization.

"So what else have you been working on?"

"Nothing that has bore any fruit, though I will continue to remain optimistic." 

* * *

**Meanwhile at what was once an Underground Cadmus Lab Before a Nuke went off KILLING (Almost) EVERYONE!**

The nuclear detonation had destroyed everything under ground, and had created a seismic event detected around the world. From the smoking crater, something stirred. Tiny green tentacles moved rocks and debris across the field as the forever changed creature, whose DNA had been shredded by radiation and chromosomes disintegrated before haphazardly stitched back together.

The boneless green creature, resembling a green spotted amorphous cicada the size of a poodle. The creature, much smaller than before looked to its environment. Each eye pointed in different directions.

"_Arf_!" It barked in a high almost squeaky pitch as its small stinger wagged.

The once Cellbomination, now something new after mutations from the radioactive fallout, looked to a nearby tree.

…

...

It slammed into the tree at roughly Mach 2, somehow managing not to damage it. As it stuck to the side of the tree, it's tiny tentacles extended and wrapped around the base of it.

It hugged.

…

A lot.

...

Approximately 0.02 milliseconds later the base of the tree exploded into splinters, sending the top half tumbling down.

The tiny creature fell to the ground with a squeak, before it watched several of the trees fall like dominoes. It blinked.

"_Arf_!"

…

Then it slammed into another tree to hug it.

This process repeated itself… several times in fact.

After the dozen or so trees that was hug-sploded, the tiny amorphous creature was back on the ground as it scuttled around, its little stinger wagging happily.

Then it stopped, something new catching it's attention.

It looked to the distance… where it saw tall buildings and pretty lights.

"_Arf_!" It barked happily as it started to scuttle and bounce towards the pretty, pretty lights. Hoping to find friends to hug and lights to repeatedly slam its amorphous little face into.


	13. Big Trouble in Little Boston

**Big Trouble in Little Boston**

As the building fell, the beast rolled from the debris. The lights went out, and it ceased smashing into it as it scuttled out into the screaming crowds.

"_Arf!_"

It scuttled out of the once Paul Revere Mall. It blinked as another friend came into its vision. It shot off.

...

The statue of Paul Revere, horse included was hugged into scrap. The tiny squeaking blob moved through the crowds, bumping into random debris in it's eternal quest for a friendly hug. Then it was punted into the sky, and something long and glow-y wrapped around it. Compulsively compelling it to speak only truth.

_"Arf! Arf! Arf!_" It barked truthfully as it was slammed back into the ground.

Wonder Woman put away her lasso as she flew towards the strange amorphous creature. However as she prepared to punch it into the ground, it rocketed towards her. If not for her vast experience, she never would have managed.

The small creature landed on the ground with a squeak. It's eyes blinked.

"_Arf!_"

That was when it started to feel hot. It's cross-eyed gaze focused on the twin red beams coming from the eyes of the colorful friend in the sky.

...

The tiny creature rocketed towards his new friend and immediately began hugging. Superman... Was thoroughly confused as the small... Oddly familiar creature began to make a soft... Kinda purr like noise.

"What is it doing?" Asked Wonder Woman.

"I think it's... Hugging me."

"_Arf!_"

...

"Clark, does this... Thing look familiar to you?"

...

It was at this point I decided to show up. Yes I know it is confusing as to how I was able to narrate when I wasn't here, but Namekian hearing is awesome...Also fuck causality, I do what I want.

"Ok my senses went off and why am I here in Fucking Boston when I was at the Fucking Mountain!?" I screamed.

"Cell?"

"...Oh hi Supermaaaaaa..."

That was Superman... And the... Umm...

...

"Da Fuk!"

It was at this point that... Blob-y... Larval... Er... Me I guess...

Whatever it was it suddenly shot off towards Wonder Woman, sending them off into Orbit. Clark shot off towards them.

I... Was not quite sure what to do at the moment... I guess I should... Probably see what was going on up there.

"_Ziiip!_" I said as I Mach 5'd my way into space making airplane noises with my mouth aaaaaaaand...Blob-y me was hugging Wonder Woman... Who as it turned out, couldn't breathe in space.

Probably the lack of air now that I think about it. Not exactly a pleasant way to start the day actually. Explosive decompression, lack of an ozone layer, and I should probably do something about that. Sure Superman was helping her already, but that didn't mean I couldn't help out either.

Telekinesis do your thing.

Yay me, they were pushed back to earth at around...Mach 5ish? Lets go with Mach 5ish.

...

I forgot I can teleport.

So I was back on earth, and Wonder Woman looked... Like she got a really nice tan. Her hair was a bit... Burn-y but she looked fine as she gasp for air.

...

Still being hugged by... Blob-y me.

"_Arf!_"

...

"D'AWWWWWWW!"

Then it rocketed off to Superman and proceeded with the hugging of the man of steel. Apparently the momentum of Blob-y me caused them to fall back to the ground. Wonder Woman and I followed after them. There was still a panic going on due to the most adorable of destructive little monsters that enjoyed a good hug and nuzzle. Wonder Woman, who had gotten her Second Wind just looked as Superman tried in vain to pull the amorphous thing off. A large portion of the area was in ruins, but not all that bad considering. She turned to me.

"We should probably get somewhere... Safer." She said.

"Sure. Where to?" I asked.

Superman quickly made his way towards us. Blob-y me still hugging him.

"We know a place." He said. 

* * *

"What. Did. You. Do?" Asked Batman.

"I swear. I had nothing to do with the... Cutest little me...doggie... Thing... Who's a cute little me doggie, you are. Yes he is. Who's a good little boy, you are."

"_Arf!_"

"And that is adorable."

So we were at the Watchtower. Something about a weapon of mass cuddles being far too dangerous back planet side. Apparently... The obvious fact that this things head looked a lot like mine made me being here... Important or something.

I gotta be honest, I was far too distracted by Doggo Me to really pay attention to what they were saying.

"Can we at least get... It off me?" Asked Superman as the little crosseyed creature nuzzled against the Man of Steel.

"D'awwww, he's a cutie."

Superman attempted to pull the creature off, but it's boneless body made that... Futile at best.

"I'm gonna name you... Jerry III."

"_Arf!_"

"Where did it come from?" Asked Diana.

"It showed up in Boston, a seismic event did recently occur there. It might be related." Said the other green guy in the room.

...

The Martian Manhunter, I was talking about the Martian Manhunter.

Anyway! I managed to coax the little thing off Supes, the little stinger tail wagged happily as it enveloped my arm and started purring.

"A'wwwww, you're adorable."

"_Arf!_"

"I'm keeping him."

"Of course you are." Said Wonder Woman, sighing on exacerbation.

She took a deep breath.

"It destroyed almost the entire historic district of Boston."

"And I destroyed most of the Historic District of New Orleans, and you put up with me."

"Completely different situation. You can be reasoned with... Mostly." Said Supes.

Batman, who was off doing Batman things, came over to us. Jerry III blinked at the Dark Knight as he removed a syringe from... Somewhere and took a sample. Then he walked off.

"_Arf!_"

So damn cute. Bats went off to a big... Computer thingy and did science or whatever for a few minutes while I pat the litrle guy on his amorphous little head.

"Who's a good little Jerry the Third, you're not gonna run away like Jerry and Jerry Jr. Are you, no you wouldn't do that would ya. You'z a good little boy. Yes you are."

"It's a Genomorph with DNA markers that could only have come from Cell." Said Batman.

...

The fuck was a Genomorph and why did it only sound vaguely familiar.

"There are major differences between it's..." Said Batmam before I interrupted.

"Jerry."

"...DNA and Cells, seemingly a result of proteins being knocked out by radiation." Finished Batman, completely ignoring my correction.

"How different exactly?" Asked Supes.

"Random haphazard repairs to it's genetic structure. Whole sequences destroyed and replaced with whatever it could find."

"You here that boy, you'z a mutant doggie clone!"

"It isn't a dog." Said Superman.

"And you're not a human, but we still love you all the same Supes."

"..."

...

Got awful quiet in here.

"Imma train him." I stated.

"You?" Asked/said Wonder Woman.

"What?" I asked in indignation... Is that what that word means?

"Your... Eccentricities are... Can you?" Asked J'onn.

"I can reign in my attention span for the fate of 'dis widdle doggo!"

"I believe he can do it."

...

Batman said that... Batman... The Batman... The paranoid guy. Apparently I was not the only one shocked by this recent turn of events.

"I'm sorry what?" Asked Wonder Woman.

In response Batman played... Oh wow where did he get that recording from. It was me and Lapis, and Lazuli and the Joker.

No seriously where did he get it.

"Cell along with his siblings managed to force the Joker into a situation where he left the immediate area with no loss of life. Shortly afterwards I managed to apprehend the Joker."

"Ok but where did you get that recording?"

"I arrived at the scene and documented it. It's actually very good material for handling an unusual situation without violence."

...

"Can I have a copy?"

"_Arf!_"

"Can I have two copies?"

"It's in the Leagues archives." Said Batman as he shut down the video.

The Caped Crusader looked to me.

"While I find your methods unconventional, I cannot fault your results. Another example."

Another video played, this one was of Wally, he held his hands on the bricks covering his room with his eyes closed. At first nothing seemed to happen, until his right hand actually phased through the bricks. It quickly retreated and he was breathing heavily, but he just put his hand back and tried again.

"When I showed the Flash he informed me that Kid Flash has never practiced vibrating his molecules through objects quite as intensely as this." Said Batman.

Several League members seemed a bit more... Er... Less confused.

"We'll investigate the seismic event, it is our best lead. If Cell believes he can handle... Jerry, then I am inclined to believe him."

...

"I kind of want to help in the investigation. I mean, someone was messing with my DNA. That can't be good. I can sense Ki, so if there is amything else like this, I'll be able to point in the right direction."

"And what of Jerry?" Asked Batman.

"Lapis and Lazuli should be more than capable of watching him while I help you, but if there is another think like Me down there I want to come with."

Batman nodded.

"Do what you must, meet us in Boston when you can."

"Neat!" 

* * *

"... What the hell is that?" Asked Superboy.

"I got my own Doggo Me. His name is Jerry III." I said happily as Jerry enveloped Superboy in a hug.

"...what is it doing?" Asked Megan.

"He's a huger."

"He is kinda... Cute." She said as she walked over to the little crosseyed bundle of hugs.

"Hi Jerry, I'm Megan and..." Megan froze a bit as her smile... Somehow widened.

"A'wwwww he is happy to have friends that... Don't go pop?" Said Megan... Looking very confused as Jerry tackle/Hugged her.

She stood ramrod straight as Jerry squeezed and nuzzled her face.

Good thing she can shapeshift.

"Too... Tight..."

But apparently not shapeshift enough.

"C'mon boy, come here."

Aaaaaand I got Jerry on my face.

"Ah wuv ugh toh Jrry." I said through the amorphous mass covering my mouth.

Jerry fell to the ground and...

"Did he... Did he just squeak?" Asked Superboy.

"Awww, he's his own squeaky toy!"

Superboy just kinda, stared at Jerry. At least until Wally walked through the walls. He was breathing very heavily and pointed at me.

"HA! TAKE THAT CELL I...Superboy?"

Superboy nodded in Kid Flashes direction.

"But... Cell said you were in Atlantis with..."

"Oh hi Wally!" Said Megan happily.

Wally looked over to me. I smiled.

"Gotcha bitch. So I see your Wall Powers have awakened."

...

"Wait so..."

"_Arf!_"

Wally blinked and turned to see the little Jerry staring at him.

"Is that...?"

He didn't say anything else. He just kinda passed out on the spot. Jerry scuttling over and hugging his leg.

"Remember Jerry, hug softly."

I turned to Superboy.

"You by chance seen my brother and sister?" I asked. 

* * *

"_ILoveHimILoveHimILoveHim._" Said Lapis as Jerry III enveloped him in a bone crushing hug... If his bones weren't reinforced that is.

"So... You're a dog now." Said Lazuli.

"Well... Jerry III is a dog now. Batman says he was probably something else before all that fallout made him into this."

"So should I get checked for cancer now or just wait until the tumors develop?"

"Radiation free actually. He ate it."

"He ate... Radiation?" Asked Lazuli, her gaze utterly confused.

"To be fair, look at the stupid shit I just pull right out of my ass from time to time."

Lazuli conceded.

"Imma go give him walkies." Said Lapis as the little Blob rolled on top of his head and got a piggy back ride.

It was an unholy combination of Preciousness and Adorableness to see Lapis and Jerry like that. I was so ewhat worried tgat the combo would created a beam of concentrated adorable that would rip a hole in the space time continuum and summon Real Furbies, Shetland Pocket Ponies, and Gizmo from gremlins into our universe.

To my eternal dismay, none of that happened.

I am disappoint.

I looked on the couch next to Lazuli, who was reading... Some kind if book.

"So whatcha Reading?"

"Megan let me borrow it. Twilight or something. Are these fucking things really supposed to be Vampires?"

...Oh right, It was 2010. I was smack dab in the middle of the fucking Twilight phenomenon.

Shit.

"Just call them fae that contracted Vampirism. It works surprisingly well."

It really did, between Fair Folk being absolute bastards and the sparkles as well as everyone acting like they had no idea how real people act... well need I say more.

"I'll keep that in mind."

...

I wonder if there are any Vampires nearby. This is DC, pretty sure there are a few. I think Batwoman has a vampire villain... Nocturna or something, though I don't know shit about her. I know Britain had to have at least 1 vampire, it's Europe after all.. But going there would greatly increase my chances of running into John Constantine, and I kinda wanted to avoid him... At least until I could aquire Sting from the Police. I wanted to compare and contrast how much alike they supposedly looked.

Actually if I could get John Constantine, Sting, and Keanu Reeves in the same room... Maybe later.

...

Ok Step 1, find a Vampire.

Step 2, buy a lot of Body Glitter.

Step 3, ?

Step 4, Profit

That is something to look for in the future, but first I have a job to do.

"Be back later Laz, I'm gonna be in Boston if you need me."

Lazuli shrugged as she turned the page. 

* * *

My journey took me back to Boston. The place was currently under construction, but that was to be expected. Hands in my pockets I instantly popped in at the site where I could feel Batman's unique signature.

"Sup Bats."

He was examining the ground, holding what I could only assume was a typical BS Comic Book scanner dohickey. He wasn't alone either. Captain Atom was here in all his chromed out glory. Presumably in the event of radiation. I should also note Batman was wearing what looked like a biohazard suit with his typical Batman aesthetic.

"I can tell there are some trace heavy metals, but most of the Fallout is limited underground." Said Captain Atom.

Bats then walked over to the side of the area. Where a big ass case was laying. A large robotic arm connected to what looked like a Jackhammer emerged and began doing what I assume was science.

"What is that?" I asked.

"Using Vibrations, we can create a 3D map underground. It will give us an idea of how large the facility was."

I nodded as I crossed my legs, floating in the air. Eyes closed I expanded my Ki senses. I could feel... Echoes of the dead under the ground, but nothing quite like Jerry or any other Ki user. I've only ever been able to feel my own Ki, Sun Wukongs, and now Jerry's. Lapis and Lazuli, for the most part, were modified in such a way that getting a read on them was difficult at best. Gauging distance was a bit trickier, but these echoes felt faint. Far awat as it were. So I couldn't be sure hiw deep this lab was, though I'm sure Batman had that settled.

I opened my eyes and stood back on the ground.

"Lot of dead people down there, I can feel... Echoes I guess of them." I said.

"Anything like you down there?" Asked Atom.

I shook my head.

"If there is, it's faint and probably just outside my range. If I knew how deep this place went then maybe I could tell you more."

Atom nodded as he knelt down, placing his hand to the ground. That was another thing. There didn't appear to be any entrance to this place. At least not around here.

Then Batmans machine beeped.

"The facility is two kilometers down, most if it is damaged by the blast, but there is a large area roughly in the center. One probably shielded against the blast."

"Safe room maybe?" Asked Atom.

"Possibly. Cell, can you teleport there?"

I looked over to Batmans map. It was actually really impressive. Gave a good idea of what this place was like. The map was holographic and showed what looked less like halls and more like small pockets that used to be rooms. But right in the Center was a large opening.

"No, it helps if I've either been there before, or if there was a Ki signature to lock onto. I don't think I can make it. I could try though."

"I'd rather not risk it. If it is a safe room, there is no obvious exit, if I had to guess there is a method of transit to get to and from that area."

"Like the Zeta Beams?" Asked Atom.

Bats nodded.

"We'll need J'onn to get there. His phasing should be sufficient."

This was rather strange. It took S.T.A.R. Labs forever just to make something approaching a liver. Yet these guys managed to make sometning alive... And adorable. That in and of itself was a miracle, though considering what Cell was, it also was probably the single most dumbest thing ever. Before I never really even entertained the tjought of a Cell clobe and always thought that if one did show up, I could handle it, but that was before Lapis and Lazuli got here.

I wasn't worried about someone making another Cell. I knew that they couldn't... But could they make something worse? Not necessarily more powerful, but unquestionably worse. And what if it could absorb Lapis and Lazuli. I think it's time we three figured out how we work before someone makes the Thing. Jerry III, according to Batman started off as something very different than what he was now, it was chance that his DNA was shredded by radiation and put back together in just the right way to make him what he was.

...

Oh Fuck! I'm going to have to take this shit seriously aren't I. Well at least this day couldn't get much stranger.

...

Did I just...

...

OH FUCK YOU MOTH BRAIN! 

* * *

Batman dismissed me. He was confident that Jerry was all these assholes made, the fact that I didn't sense anything else was apparently enough to take that risk, but he did let me know he'd have me on speed dial in case shit hit the fan. I was currently walking around Boston. Looking at some of the damage Jerry III did. I kept my senses expanded just incase. The place was relatively barren. Most of the construction equipment was still being brought in to take care of the place.

To be honest, it could have been a hell of a lot worse, but it also could have been a hell of a lot better.

Still, DC is used to this. According to some sources Boston should be back on it's feet before the end of the year. Jesus DC universe must have the same guys who have to rebuild Tokyo every time Godzilla decides to stop for a visit. There was a scene in one of the Toho Godzilla movies, some say it was a continuity error. Basically Godzilla destroys a building, but in the next scene that same building was back up.

I knew the truth, it wasn't a continuity error, Japan is just that good at rebuilding after Kaiju attack # 15,673. So maybe DC would just have to settle for the silver medal...

Unless Marvel beat them to it. Planet Hulk fucked up New York like it was nobodies business, and it was back in time for the next Spiderman comic.

What was I doing again...

Oh right, Boston.

...

I just felt someone die.

I blame you moth brain.

As fast as I could I zipped off towards the location. What I saw... Really was just further proof my life was weird. Also I was a possible psychic because A FUCKING VAMPIRE was drinking some woman's blood right in front of me. He took one look to me, his ancient body healing. He smiled.

"Well, what have we here. Tell me are you one of mankind's protectors?"

...

The fuck is going on. Seriously!

"Alright Edward Cullen..."

He snarled.

"I am of the Cult of the Blood Red Moon! I am a scion of the Queen of Blood herself."

"As I was saying Edward Cull..."

Vampire used tackle.

It's Not Very Effective.

...

"Ya done?"

"Stronger than you look. No matter. Look into my eyes!"

I rolled my eyes and punched him in the face. Good thing Boston was going to be rebuilt anyway cause he went through an building.

"You know, Eddie this was a serious..."

"MY NAME IS WILLIAM KESSLER!" He screamed as he flash stepped out of the building.

He growled at me.

"The Queen of Blood will have your head."

Well if he wanted it so bad.

...

I don't think he quite expected what happened next. I ripped off my own head, fully intending to burn it later, as I tossed it in his waiting hands. It grew back shortly afterwards.

"There you go. Any other requests?"

He tossed it on the ground.

"You're insane."

Haven't heard that one before. Regardless I incinerated my head as it layed on the ground. He obviously didn't expect that.

"Imma punt you into the sun now!"

He took a step back, but smiled.

"You know, you're not the first hero type I ran into here."

"That a fact?"

"Why, indeed it is."

I blinked, and turned around to see who had snuck up behind me.

It was not as I expected.

...

"Uncle Sam?"

Dressed in Red, White, and Blue was Uncle Sam himself... Yes THAT Uncle Sam. He also was obviously hypnotized... This may require context. Uncle Sam was an official DC character. He did show up in an episode of Batman the Brave and the Bold, but seeing him here was... Really weird.

And I met Snowflame.

I should also note Uncle Sam was not a human. Not really. He was a spiritual entity created through an occult ritual by the Founding Fathers to be the 'Spirit of America'. So yeah, that was a thing.

"Another who threatens a defenseless Citizen I see. Have you no shame monster." Said Uncle Sam.

"Ummm."

"COME MY FRIENDS! Let us teach this monster a lesson when villainy arrives on American Soil." Screamed Uncle Sam as three figures appeared around him.

Ghosts as it were. Very familiar ghosts.

"Bully, a challenger!" Said the ghost of Theodore Roosevelt.

The Ghost of Andrew Jackson cracked his knuckles before brandishing his cane with a demented smile.

"I cannot tell a Lie, we're gonna whup that ass son!" Said the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, brandishing an axe.

...

"Ummm..." Was about as far as I got before I was punched in the face by the ghost of Theodore Roosevelt. 

* * *

A/N: And that is why you never invoke a Literary Convention. You get punched in the face by the Ghost of Theodore Roosevelt.


	14. Patriotism and Psychedelia

Patriotism and Psychedelia

As I flew up towards the stratosphere being chased by Theodore Roosevelt riding a ghost bison, I had time to think. Not much time, but it was something. Anyway I guess this is just my life now. Not that I couldn't handle it, but I swear I couldn't just get one day of non-insanity.

*_Thwack_*

"OW! FUCK! WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE FACE!" I screamed as the ghost of Andrew Jackson smacked me in the face with his cane, sending me rocketing towards Roosevelt who shot at me with buckshot.

Then I remembered I could fly. About Half way towards Roosevelt I stopped mid air, rolled up my sleeves and got in my stance. The gleam in Roosevelt's eye told he he liked this new turn of events. His arms flexed causing his sleeves to rip off before he assumed an old timey boxing stance... All while riding his trusty bison.

"You what some of this Teddy, bring it!"

His glare was intense.

"What. Did. You. Call. Me."

...

Perhaps that was done in error.

Side note BTW, Theodore had super strength as a ghost... Possibly in life to. I flew up, but managed to catch myself mid air as an Axe buried itself in my chest. It hurt a bit, but I think that just meant the axe was working, so good on ya Abe. As Abraham removed said Axe, he grabbed me by the throat, and flipped me over his shoulder, carrying me by the neck to slam into the ground. Unfortunately my kidney punches did not work against spirits. As we made it to terminal velocity, I couldn't help but be giddy at being Choke Slammed by the guy who probably invented it. Then we hit the ground. We created a sizable crater in the asphalt before Abe flew off into the sky, his Axe gleaming in the moonlight as he prepared his Ultimate Attack, the Rail Splitter!

"_Ka._" I said as he dove towards me, axe ready for the decapitation.

"_Me_."

Andrew Jackson flipped his Hickory cane in his hands. He giggled slightly as he took slow deliberate steps.

"_Ha._"

Roosevelt jumped off his mighty bison, and executed a textbook perfect superhero landing, before he put all his strength into leaping at me.

"_Me._"

The trio of Patriotic American Badassery were all coming, I had one shot, I had to make it count. I took a deep breath.

"_HAAAAAAAAAAA!_"

The Devastating wave of turtles tore from my palms. However I underestimated the powers of American Patriotism. Abe swung his Axe, sacrificing his Ultimate Attack. The beam split in two. One headed for Roosevelt, the other for Jackson. Jackson smiled as he brandished his cane like a baseball bat, and knocked it out of the park. He then turned to me, smiling.

...

God that man was terrifying.

The Other Beam headed towards Roosevelt... Who Fucking punched it into nothing. He then turned to me with narrowed eyes.

"Now then, about that nickname of mine." He said as he cracked his knuckles.

...

Well, this situation went to shit in no time flat. Jackson was the first to get in my range.

"Do you know what Old Hickory is gonna do to you?" He said as he brought down great vengeance and furious anger with his cane.

"The same thing I should have done to Calhoun."

I grabbed the cane of the only American president who ever managed to turn the tables on his (almost) Assassin, and attempted to jerk it out of his grip. However Abe came in and relieved me of that arm before coming in with a chop to the head. My tail stretched however, and managed to wrap around his axe. However the kind of crazy that made Jackson up required two hands to deal with, and sans an arm, he managed to pull out a flintlock pistol and fire at me.

Cell was bulletproof.

This bullet apparently did not get that message. Then again it was a Ghost Bullet... Not sure how that works, maybe the bullets died, but that's what it is.

The Ghost Bullet tore through my exoskeleton like it wasn't even there, leaving a fist sized hole in my abdomen. However I managed to regrow my arm, to bad Abe had his other hand, and punted me in the eye. It was reflex that my hands shot to it, and all Jackson needed to start beating me with his cane like I owed him money. Abe started chopping at me at this time as well, but through it all I couldn't help but wonder what happened to Roosevelt. Well Wonder I did no longer as Roosevelt grabbed his Bison steed by the Horns and slammed the spectral bovine into me, the bison disappeared not long after that, but that was when Teddy came down on me like a freight train, grabbing the back of my head with one hand, lifting me up and then slamming me back down repeatedly.

...

You know what... Fuck this.

I flexed my Ki, sending the three Ex-President flying, they all managed to land on their feet. My Ki Aura screamed as my body healed before their eyes. I was breathing heavily as I turned to the true culprits. Edward Cullen and his Hypnotized Patriotic Necromancer, who stood there arms crossed and face stern. He was a tough bastard, one with powers... Political Powers.

"You're gonna have to do better than that son." Said Uncle Sam.

I fired off a ki blast at the Vampire. I probably should have lead off with that, but I've never been one to do the smart thing first. Regardless, the Ki Blast hit a Red, White, and Blue force field that flashed into existence for a split second.

Well Shit.

Jackson took a step, his cane clicking on the pavement.

"Get back Jackson, or I'm gonna kick your ass off the 20."

"You have made your ultimatum insect, now lets see you enforce it."

"We are not divided Andrew, and you will not stand alone." Said Abraham as he twirled his axe and prepared to throw down.

Roosevelt just put up his dukes, ready to come at me with some good old fashioned fisticuffs.

"You should have just done nothing, only way you wouldn't have made this mistake."

Ok, so Ghosts can apparently knock away Ki Attacks... Somehow. So I had to get past their defenses. I flexed my fingers.

...

I pointed at Jackson first, releasing beams of Ki Death in his direction. He tried to knock it away, but he didn't expect it to bend and twist around his cane and strike him straight in the chest. Andrew Jackson vanished in a puff of ectoplasm. I wasted no time as I pointed one finger at Abe, and the other at Roosevelt. Abe attempted to dodge, but it was too fast for him. Roosevelt however charged me, avoiding the attack that had twisted to follow after him. He threw a punch, but he was hit just before he made contact. Causing him to disappear.

I turned to Uncle Sam.

"That all you got."

In response he uncrossed his arms, and walked forward. The three presidential Ghosts appeared next to him after each step. I guess killing ghosts was an exercise in futility. I prepared for the worst. Uncle Sam however stomped hard on the Ground, creating a sizable canyon.

I flew up, but was overwhelmed by the swarms of Bald Eagles that flew out of the newly made canyon. This wasn't fair. First he could conjure Spirits of Presidents Past, now he could call upon Patriotic wildlife. So was he a Necromancer or a Druid? Whatever, I caught sight of Uncle Sam and the Pimpin' Presidential Posse as Eagles attempted to peck out my eyes. His Arms were crossed again as he stared at me, and the Spectral Presidents each had assumed various dignified poses. I took a deep breath. Reared my fist back, and shot off at Mach 5.

"I AM A BUGMAN!" I screamed as my fist made contact with Uncle Sam's face. We skidded back several yards, but he quickly reached up, grabbed my arm, and shoved me face first into the ground.

"Yes..." Said Uncle sam as his body glowed Red, White, and Blue. "Indeed you are."

I flew up. Where I saw the dawn's early light, the rocket's red glare, and the bombs bursting in air. Endless fields of Green and trees, with herds of wild untamed Bison and flocks of soaring eagles. I knew immediately that I wasn't in Boston anymore.

"This is the Heartland." Said Uncle Sam. "A pocket dimension, a moment forever locked in time at the height of this country's beauty."

I looked around before getting ready to punch Uncle Sam in the face, to my surprise, he lifted his hand.

"No need of that son, In here, I am as free as our homeland."

I took a breath.

"Thank God, so... You were Hypnotized? How'd that happen?"

"My host was. I am a spiritual entity, my power is tied to American Patriotism and Idealism. These are trying times however. I managed just enough control to bring you here. Sorry about my friends, their will is tied to my will, as such they are just as susceptible as I am to mind control."

"I'm sorry but... Host?"

"Whenever a Patriot is near death, I can possess them to enter the world once more. Once my task is done, I leave until I am needed again, healing the wounds of my once host, so they may live a life that is full."

"I see... So... If you only show up when needed, why are you here?"

"I've been here. I am an honorary member of the All Star Squadron, the precursor of the Justice League. Times have changed Son, and I have yet to find out what I am needed for."

"Oh, alright I gotcha. So what about the whole hypnotism thing?"

"I was investigating a series of murders. Bodies drained of blood. The damnedest thing was that bodies of the victims started to disappear from the morgues. I noticed a focus on Veterans and Soldiers, and when I saw a body of a retired Navy SEAL drain the blood of the Morgues Janitor, I had to stop it. However I was unaware hypnosis worked on me."

Well, sounds like he had a very productive week.

"So, what do you know about this Cult?"

"Not much I'm afraid. They are obviously trying to get a hold of an army of undead men and women trained for combat. I've heard our undead friend refer to someone by the name of Mary, Queen of Blood. Near as I can tell, their goal is to eliminate and defeat protectors of mankind."

"Shit. Vampires hunting superheroes. That is not good."

"No it isn't. However, you do have a shot."

"Kill the vampire?" I asked.

"That's the ticket, though it won't be easy. I am compelled to protect him. He's currently protected by the Stars and Stripes shield, it protects any from harm so long as I'm around."

"Can you bring him here?"

"Tried that already, something stops me. I think its intent. I wasn't commanded to harm the bloodsucker, but I was commanded to get rid of you. Gave me a bit of room to work with."

I tapped my finger on my chin, before a smile settled on my face. I could go all out, but I didn't want any more of Boston destroyed. I just needed to figure out a way to beat the Political Powers of Presidential Poltergeists and Patriotic Possessors.

"Say Uncle Sam, your powers are tied to patriotism right?" I asked.

He nodded, looking at me with a raised brow.

"Think you can break free if you had just a bit more power?"

Sam stoked his beard.

"Possibly, what did you have in mind?"

"I think I have an idea, it's a little out there though..."

I opened my eyes once again surrounded by Sam and his Spooky Scary Senate of Specters.

"Pathet..."

"Hold that thought Eddie." I said as I Instant Transmission outta there.

* * *

"Hi Lazuli." I said as I ran past her, she waved in my direction as she continued reading.

"Bye Lazuli." I said as I walked past her again, only this time I was not alone.

Lazuli waved at me again, reading like I wasn't even there.

"Hi Bro, check out what I taug…"

"Not now Lapis I gotta go Kick Americas Ass!" I said as I ran out.

"Ok, have fun!" He screamed back at me.

He turned to Lazuli.

"You wanna see what I taught Jerry?" Asked Lapis.

"Sure." Said a bored Lazuli.

"Alright boy, let's do it."

"_Arf!_"

…

"Holy Shit!"

* * *

I teleported several meters in front of the dickhead Vampire, smiling as I looked to him.

"Hi Eddie, I'm back."

He growled.

"You are a persistent one."

I shrugged.

"Well, you're not wrong." I said as I revealed my weapon.

"What... Is that?" He asked.

I strummed a chord, causing lightning to crackle down my fingers.

" Oh this? Meet ... **The Motherfucking Boom-Cleaver, Butcher of The Unscented Citrus.**"

My fingers danced, and I woke up half of Boston as I was joined by the ghostly spirits of Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. Jimi and I played a psychedelic rendition of the most Patriotic song we knew. One Jimi was very familiar with. Janis provided the Vocals as Red, White, and Blue lightning and fire exploded behind us before coalescing into a Purple Haze that flooded around Jimi. Not since Woodstock had the world been graced with such brilliance, and with Janis Joplin providing Vocals… well little Eddie would need to pull out some Alucard level bullshit to survive, because we kissed the sky and rocked out to Jimi's psychedelic version of The Star Spangled Banner.

"_Oh say can you see!_" Sang Janis Joplin with a song of great social and political import!

Uncle Sam fell to his knees, clenching at his heart as white hot patriotism flooded Boston like an American Miasma.

"_By the dawn's early light,_

_What so proudly we hailed,_

_At the twilight's last gleaming?…_"

She put her all into it, but even Janis on an off-night was incredible. Uncle Sam didn't stand a chance.

"_Whose broad stripes and bright stars,_

_Through the perilous fight,_

_O'er the ramparts we watched,_

_Were so gallantly streaming._"

Our Apocalyptic performance invigorated Boston. Men, women, children, and even babies who musically learned to stand all rose to their feet with hands on their hearts and tears in their eyes.

"_And the rocket's red glare,_

_The bombs bursting in air,_

_Gave proof through the night,_

_That our flag was still there._"

Upon reaching the peak of our ROCKIN' power, and the great crescendo of Liberty and Justice for all, the Presidential ghosts and Uncle Sam's political powers swelled, and the spell was broken.

"_Oh say does that star spangled banner yet wave,_

_For the land of the free, and the home of the brave._" We all sand the final verses in unity as we all turned to stare at Edward Cullen.

His eyes wide as he saw what he was Up against.

Uncle Sam and the Ghosts of Dead Presidents past, Jimi Hendrix riding atop his Purple Haze of Psychedelia, Janis Joplin with a voice that made Black Canary seem inadequate, and an insane Bugman with a magical guitar.

He didn't stand a chance.

"I feel like... Maybe we got off on the wrong foot how abo..."

Andrew Jackson smacked a bitch upside the head with his Hickory Cane. He flew into the waiting fists of Theodore Roosevelt who got enough licks in to qualify as a 500 Hit Combo, all in 10 seconds no less. Uncle Sam came in with a fierce American uppercut, sending the dickhead bloodsucker into space. Right before he reached the Upper Atmosphere, he was enveloped in Jimi's Purple Haze, all in Cullen's eyes, blinding him, then he was smacked back down to earth with Jimi's 1968 Fender Stratocaster. Janis followed Cullen on the way down. Using her conjured Ball and Chain to smack him around like the Bitch he was. Each hit knocking him to and fro so that he was ready for the next attack. Then he came in my direction, falling feet first.

I knelt down before delivering a Rising Dragon Fist, or as it is better known…"_Shoryuken!_" I screamed as my fist made contact…. Directly to his nuts, because you weren't using them anyway Eddie.

Either way he was sent skyward again, screaming in soprano. We air juggled his candy ass before the finale came. Lincoln flew high above the clouds, twirling his axe, and prepared to deliver the Holy Rail Splitter. Such was the power of its magnificence that fireworks went off, seemingly from no discernible source.

Honest Abe came down with the force of a Thousand Log Cabins. Eddie screamed as Abe split him in half vertically so hard each half flew off towards the horizon, one flew to the western Horizon, the other the Eastern Horizon. Each half flying so far they hit the other side of the planet and exploded into ash. We breathed heavy as we all watched the flash of light in the distance.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" I screamed in awe.

"Indeed." Said Uncle Sam as he turned to me.

"I don't think we've been properly introduced." Said Uncle Sam as he put his hand out for a shake.

"Uncle Sam."

I took his hand in my own.

"Cell, nice to meet 'cha."

"Likewise." Said Sam as he put his arm to his side.

I turned to Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. Who each looked to me. Jimi with his guitar over his shoulder in a relaxed position. Janis with her hands on her hips.

"Not a bad gig." Said Janis.

"It's no Woodstock, but it'll do." Said Jimi.

"Wow, I gotta say, it is a HUGE honor to meet both of you."

"Hey man, the honors ours, not everyday we get to come back, to go wild, freak out, and do anything we wanna do." Said Jimi.

"No problem my man, say you look like one of those super weird people, thats cool, I'm one of those regular weird people, no powers or anything, just a soul full of music. It's been fun though." Said Janis.

I nodded.

"You ever need us again, you know what to do." Said Jimi as he vanished.

I waved fondly, before the Ghost of Janis Joplin floated over to me, kissed me straight on the… not lips, and vanished with a wave.

"Have a blast man." She said with a smile.

Got kissed by Janis Joplin… not exactly what I expected, but I'm Not complaining, I'd have to be a moron to complain.

"Excuse me sir." Spoke Lincoln.

He removed his hat and gave me a nod.

"I must apologize for our actions. We didn't mean anything by it."

"Hey don't worry about it."

"No, no. This was a grave injustice on our parts. If you ever require aid we will be there."

"It is the least we could do after that little spat." Said Theodore, still with ripped sleeves like he was ready for any old fool to dare to get all up in his business.

"I'm just sorry it wasn't a bit longer. That bloodsucker didn't suffer enough. Needed a few more good wacks I'd say, maybe a bullet or six in the brain."

…

Andrew Jackson ladies and gentlemen.

"Cell!"

We all turned to the voice and…

"Hi Wonder Woman." I said with a wave as her gaze shifted from me to Uncle Sam.

"...Sam!"

"Good to see you again Dianna." said Uncle Sam with a wave.

…

"I think explanations are in order, we have received some… unusual reports."

We enlightened. Wonder Woman face palmed.

* * *

"Oh man, why did we miss that. It sounded Awesome!" Said Lapis.

"_Arf!_"

"I know right!" said Lapis.

"It's official." Said Lazuli. "... Dumb shit just follows you around."

"I like to think I just luck into these situations… oh yeah, Lapis didn't you say you taught Jerry a trick.

"Huh… oh right, check this out."

Lapis lifted Jerry and placed him over his head.

"Alright boy, now!"

What happened next… was burned into my memory.

Jerry's Stinger opened wide as Lapis put him on like a hat. Green flesh flowed down Lapis as he was fully enveloped. Then Jerry began to reshape. An exoskeleton grew around Lapis until he resembled himself once more, only now it looked as if he wore the same kind of Armor as Perfect Cell but with a face mask that resembled my mouth, the mouth of Imperfect Cell. He didn't have the tail, but he did have the wings.

"Cool huh!"

….

"HOLY SHIT… JERRY IS A GUYVER!"


	15. Websites from Beyond the Net

**Websites from Beyond the Net**

"...Our top story tonight, after the destruction of Boston Historic District, early reconstruction efforts were interrupted by an alleged vampire and a surprise Woodstock style concert. Boston's own Bruce Baxter has the full story."

"Thank you Ron, the investigation is still underway as to the identity of the Vampire as well as alleged connections to an unknown Cult. What is known is that the self described "Interdimensional Insect of Mystery" Cell Genome McSplice III was seen in the area. The following conversation was what Cell had this to say on the subject."

"_How did you get this number?_"

"Mr. McSplice, my name is Bruce Baxter of Good Morning Boston, I was wondering if you'd answer a few questions."

"_Oh that's nice...How did you get this number?_"

"It's on your website."

"_I have a Website?!_"

"The people of Boston want to know, what is your involvement in what citizens are calling Musical Mayhem?"

"_You're gonna have to be more specific Bruce._"

...

"...Oh... You're serious. Ummm, the Boston incident that happened last night. Vampires, the Star Spangled Banner, two month year old infants managing to stand up to salute."

"_Oh... That thing, Yeah that was fun. I actually call it The 'MURICAN Seizure._"

...

"...Any comments?"

"_What? Oh yeah, I'm currently on the market looking for about 2 or so tons of body glitter. If anyone out there is interested to get a lucrative deal out of it I am willing to pay handsomely. You can find my contact info on my website._"

"Oh... Ok, and what is the website for anyone at home listening?"

"_I dunno, you tell me._"

"Right, getting back on topic, I meant any comments on the incident."

"_What incident?_"

"The... 'murican Seizure."

"_What about it?_"

"Do you have any comments?"

"_I'm in the market for body glitt..._"

"No I... Could you just answer a few questions?"

"_Sure._"

"What do you have to say about over four dozen alleged sightings of three Ex-US Presidents, Jimi Hendrix, and Janis Joplin?"

"_Uncle Sam was mind controlled by a Vampire. XCOM told me that killing the mind controller frees the controlled. So I used a Magic Guitar to summon the ghosts of Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin to free Uncle Sam and his trio of ghostly Presidudes. We created sufficient Patriotism._"

...

"What?"

"_Oh sorry, it's a portmanteau of President and Dude._"

"No I mean... Are you... Are you serious?"

"_I'm a 20th Level Bard of the College of Metal. I never joke about Rockin' Bruce._"

"..."

"_Bruce... You there buddy?_"

"Yes, um. Well... What about the Vampire. What can you tell us about him or her. Is Boston under siege?"

"_I dunno. Probably._"

"...I feel like you're not taking this seriously."

"_I'm kinda in the middle of something actually, you caught me at a bad time. Forgive me if I'm a bit distracted._"

"Oh... I apologize for that, perhaps one more quick question."

"_Lay it on me Bruce._"

"What do you know about this Alleged Cult?"

"_If I had to guess its a group of Emo Vampires angsting about immortality or whatever. Uncle Sam said something about them hunting Heroes though._"

"I see, well thank you for your time Mr. McSplice, any final words?"

"_I'm in the market for body glitter if anyone out there is interested. Hey is this gonna be on TV?_"

"So you've mentioned, and yes it will."

"_Well in that case... Death to Videodrome! Long Live the New Flesh!_"

* * *

I hung up the phone.

"What was that about?" Asked Lapis.

I thought about it...

...

The hell was that conversation about?

"I dunno. I've seen way too many fucking movies... My brain can't remember anything else anymore." I said as I looked to Jerry.

Then my phone rang again.

"Hello!"

"I_s this the real Cell McSplice?_"

Will the real Cell McSplice please stand up... oh hey look at that.

"Well, I'm standing up right now, so you got him. You selling body glitter?"

"_Umm, no I'm hoping for an interview I work for G. Gordon Godfrey..._"

"Don't care!" I said as I hung up.

What was going on again?

... Oh right Jerry III was a Guyver Unit... Now that we got that settled, it was time to test him. Because I'll admit this was an unexpected turn of events that needed to be looked into immediately, for fun and profit... mostly Profit of the LULZ variety. Currently Lapis, Lazuli, and I were outside Mount Justice under the watchful eye of Red Tornado, who agreed to keep things civil.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Asked Lazuli.

Loaded question, I'm never sure about anything, but she didn't need to know that.

"We gotta gauge how much of a Boost Jerry gives. Plus I never got to used Semi-Perfect Cell yet. I'm curious dammit."

"C'mon sis..." Said Bio-boosted Lapis. "...It's just a test run. It'll be fine."

Lazuli looked from Lapis to me her face cast in eternal contempt and her arms crossed. She was about to issue an ultimatum wasn't she.

"Other way around." she said.

"Huh?" asked a thoroughly confused Lapis.

"You heard me, I use Jerry first. No offence, I'm not in a hurry to get swallowed again."

Ultimatums were issued. Called it Bitch.

I tapped a claw on my chin, before glancing back at Lapis. Then my phone started to ring again. I let voicemail get it.

"You alright with that?" I asked.

Lapis shrugged as Jerry began to shift and morph off of him, until Jerry oozed on top of his head.

"_Arf!_"

Jerry leapt into Lazuli's arm who sighed as she placed him over her head. Jerry's stinger opened and oozed around Lazuli.

She looked similar to Lapis, through obviously female. Lazuli looked at her bio-mechanical form.

"Well... I don't dislike it." She said as she examined her form.

"I pull it off better." Said Lapis as he crossed his arms next to me.

"I'm not in this." I said as my tail funneled out before turning to Lapis.

"You ready?" I asked.

"Go for it." Said Lapis.

I nodded as I vore'd him up.

My body glowed with energy. My spots noticeably brighter as lightning shot all around me. I could feel my shell shifting and changing. Thank God I had the foresight to remove my suit.

"THE QUICKENING!" I screamed as my body finished it's transformation.

I stood in all my... Bulk. You know, Semi-Perfect Cell is swole as fuck. Like... Hulk levels of swole. I was so swole my muscles had... ok they didn't have muscles... but they were big. Yep, big ass muscles. I could get used to this. I looked like I was ready for a Hell in the Cell match with the Undertaker in his prime... scratch that, the Undertaker would probably kick my ass, mostly because he was the Undertaker.

"Well this is new." I said as I flexed my muscles.

'**_Huh. A lot quieter in here than I remember... Where is the fiction section again?_**'

Ignoring that, I put my hands on my hips and look over to Guyver Lazuli. She stared back at me with a look that just screams WTF.

"THAT is your Semi-Perfect form?"

"Yeah, what of it?" I said... Only now realizing I sound like a Professional Wrestler... This has potential.

"You look like you Overdosed on Steroids... All of them."

I rolled my eyes.

"Don't be hatin' on my Swole-ness. I'm the tower of power, too sweet to be sour, funky like a monkey, Sky's the limit and space is the place."

Lazuli just kinda... Stared at me.

"Is that in reference to something? I feel like that is in reference to something"

'_**Yep, 'Macho Man' Randy Savage.**_'

Shut up in there Lapis, don't ruin this for me. I am the Macho Macho Man. I gotta be a Macho Man... God I am buff as FUCK, I am squirting machismo out of my nipples over here! I am a monster truck that walks like a man!

'**_And that one is a Zero Punctuation reference._**'

I said it in my head Lapis. No one else could hear it… but… you… I guess. No need to call me on it though. Cause in that case you're just being a dick.

'**_Call what now?_**'

Never you mind Lapis, never you mind...

... Wait.

Was Lazuli still talking?

"...and your face is the dumbest thing I have ever seen, and I have seen some phenomenally DUMB shit since coming here."

I... Was not listening to what she was saying, but judging by the last bit... I also don't care. Isn't selective memory a grand and wonderful thing.

"Let me tell you something Lazuli, a bug in my position can afford to look ridiculous at any time. Ohhhh yeaaaah!"

"Whatever Fish Lips." Said Lazuli.

'**_Hey, I can't see. Get a mirror!_**'

Later Lapis. We got's punchin' to do.

"_It isn't quite what I expected either. You appear to have lost your wings. Odd, I recall your perfect from having wings_." Said Red Tornado.

Of course now he decided to pipe up. Why wouldn't he.

"SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER MY GIANT MUSCLES!"

"_I said..._"

"No need Red, I don't actually care."

"_Acknowledged_.'

Lazuli sighed.

"I'm sorry, I cannot take this seriously when you look like that."

Well, can't argue with that logic, but I could show her that I wasn't fucking around, so in response, I flexed my Ki, and made the earth shake. Lazuli almost lost her balance... Almost.

"Alright, I get it, jeez, let's just get started." She said as she rose her bio-boosted fists.

"Get ready to snap into a slim jim." I said as I cracked my knuckles.

Lazuli's wings lifted, and she took off like a jet. She was moving very fast, but I found it a lot easier to keep up. However I'd be willing to wager anyone else would have trouble keeping up. I noticed that Lazuli was focusing on punching my face. Apparently she wasn't a fan of the new look. Well she was biased anyway.

'**_If Lazuli was in here, she would probably say any hit to your face would only be an improvement. Not judging mind you, I don't know what you look like._**'

Thank you Lapis, but I'm focusing on not getting hit in the face by the girl who can bench press continents with her pinky fing...

"OW MY FACE!"

"It's an improvement!"

'**_See, told you._**'

Distractions are really fucking distracting.

I lash out with as fierce a vertical spin kick... While singing "_You spin me right round, like a record, baby, right round..._" As hard as I can. Lazuli ties... And fails to catch said kick, which comes down on top of her head sending her down. Next thing she knows she's... Roughly ten feet underground. I smiled...

Meanwhile in my head...'**_You spin me right round, baby, right round, like a record baby..._**'

You know, I know people get songs stuck in their head, but I think this is the first time I got a song stuck in someone else's head by proxy.

Whatever, I can deal.

"Ohhhh yeahhhh! Expect the unexpected in the Kingdom of Madness!"

'**_Why are you quoting 'Macho Man' Randy Savage?_**"

Nice of you to join us again Lapis. To answer your question, Fuck you that's why.

'**_Oh okay... HEY!_**'

Aaaaaand Lazuli Mach 5 punched me in the face. The sonic boom from the impact cracked the air and the next thing I knew... I was under water...Ok, so that happened.

'_**Well yeah. I saw it happen.**_'

It's... Just... Dammit Lapis, I'm narrating, just… Just Forget it.

'**_Kay._**'

I bursted out the ocean, with me and Lazuli fighting at speeds very few people would be capable of keeping up with. Like we had to be throwing a minimum of a thousand punches every second.

"That all you got Laz! What do you run on Windows Vista!"

"Big talk coming from a guy with blowjob lips."

Oh... She was good, but not good enough. Our fists and feet blurred with every attack, until I spotted my opening. The broadside of my tail slammed into her side, and I was about to grab her and throw her to the ground... What I did not expect was for her to release two Ki Blasts, one from each hand, to rocket upwards out of my reach. I'll admit I was impressed, but she didn't account for extend-o-arms.

Interesting tidbit of info, they could stretch a lot farther in this form. Each arm shot towards her, and I was quick enough to snatch her by the ankle and yank her towards me. I spun a bit before throwing her as hard as I could right into the ground. However she managed to catch her self an U-Turn to face me.

"Alright, now this is a workout." Said Lazuli as she was swallowed by a golden aura... Gotta be honest, I felt like I was a tad bit in over my head. I haven't felt like this since I played Civilization and got preemptively nuked by Ghandi... And it is always fucking Ghandi.

She shot towards me, but I had one thing she didn't, ok not accurate she probably had it to but since when do I care about being accurate. I sent out an omni-directional Ki Blast, that pushed Lazuli back.

... Or rather was supposed to push her back. Turns out that didn't work, and Lazuli managed to punch me right in the sweet spot. I felt my stomach flip as Lazuli prepared to attack, right before...

*_Barf_*

She... Really didn't expect having her brother vomited onto her. Probably expected a tail exit. Well, there's another memory for her future therapy sessions. I can see her talking to the therapist now... 'and then there was the time my brother barfed up my other brother onto me.' Then the Therapist says, 'how does that make you feel?' To which Lazuli Laser Ki's him in the face because that's a stupid fucking question... And my phone is ringing again. Gonna ignore that for now.

I should find them both a therapist. Between me being...me and Dr. Gero turning them into '_I was a Teenage Space Marine'_ they could use it. Anyway they both fell to the ground as my Semi-Perfect form started to fade away, or burn away considering the smoke coming off me, and soon I was once again Imperfect Cell.

"Shit... My swole is gone." I said as I looked down at my naturally thin Imperfect form.

"Hi sis, so how was the fight?" Asked a spit covered Lapis.

Lazuli, still in her Guyver unit and covered in spit looked upwards towards her brother, I could feel her growing anger. That little computer brain of hers was probably going full Demolition Man MurderDeathKill, MurderDeathKill, MurderDeathKill...all up in there. She took a deep breath, and punched her brother up into the sky, which wasn't all that bad seeing as he could fly.

"That bad huh?" Asked Lapis rubbing his cheek.

In response, Lazuli removed the Jerry Armor and tossed the little guy to Lapis.

"Not one word, motherfuckers." She said as she turned on her heel and left back into the mountain.

"Bath. Bath. Bath..." She chanted as she headed right in in.

Lapis looked from her, to Jerry, before patting the little guy on the head.

"Hi Jerry. Looks like it's our turn."

"Actually..." I interrupted as Lapis looked over to me. I reached out for Jerry. Lapis didn't seem to mind as he handed me the little guy. "...I think combat tests are over, at least until we can get Lazuli back here. I have a few other tests I want to run." I said as Jerry oozed on top of my head.

"_Arf!_"

Lapis shrugged.

"If you want. I guess that does make sense. I'm gonna go rock out." Said Lapis as he threw up the horns.

I smiled and returned the gesture.

"Fuckin' A bro, Fuckin' A." I said as Lapis headed back on in.

"_That was enlightening._" Said Red, attempting his own Surprise Batman.

His technique could use a little work. A for effort, C- for execution. We'll have to pencil in some stealth conversationalist training for him later. Oh, that actually sounds awesome. Red Tornado, MASTER OF STEALTH HELLO GOODBYE! Rated PG-13.

"Yep... So you got it?"

"_I have recorded it as you requested._"

"Sweet, thanks Red. We shall review it in my lair, for SCIENCE!"

Then my phone rang again.

"God-Fucking-Dammit!"

* * *

"I don't think this is a very good idea Cell." Said Kaldur.

"You'll be fine. Now Jerry, Bio-Booster Armor Activate!"

Jerry opened his stinger, and attempted to envelop Aqualad... Who really didn't seem to appreciate the gesture. Thankfully it didn't last very long. At the end, it didn't work, and Kaldur almost drowned in Jerry. I opened my arms, and that was all it took for Jerry to leave Kaldur to get his hug. I patted the cute little guy on the head. It wasn't his fault he could only combine with Lapis and Lazuli.

"Looks like another bust Jerry."

Kaldur caught his breath, coughing a bit. I imagine drowning is a new sensation for him, wbat with hom having not drowning powers. That would have been an embarrassing way to go, Local Atlantean Dies By drowning, sports at 11.

"Let us never speak of this... Again." Said Kaldur.

"Speak of what now?" I asked.

Kaldur nodded.

Ok weirdo, be all cryptic. Not like I cared what hypothetical thing we weren't speaking about anyway… I'll admit I was curious, but it was probably unimportant. Still this was not entirely unexpected. Thus far Jerry could only go Guyver with Lapis and Lazuli. Jerry couldn't even fuse with me, which I suppose has some presidence, after all I was built to Absorb both Lapis and Lazuli, but I guess Dr. Gero didn't really have a reason for Cell to absorb another Cell.

"Well, that helps answer a few questions about Jerry, still this is a very unexpected development."

"It is interesting, though not entirely unexpected. I'll admit I'm a bit surprised at what Jerry can do, but at the same time he is based off you."

"True." I said as I patted the little guy on his head.

"_Arf!_"

"Hungry boy? Are ya, yes you are."

I lifted Jerry into my arms and looked to the Kitchen. Kaldur followed me, which was a bit odd, but I wasn't going to complain. Aaaaaand my phone is ringing again. I looked at the damn thing... Before saying screw it and ate the fucking thing with my mouth... Face mouth.

Kaldur looked at me with a strange gaze.

"What?"

"Did you just… eat your phone?" asked Kaldur.

"Indeed I did." I said, not quite sure what was so confusing about that. It was rather straightforward.

Kaldur gave me a queer look. It was the look that people wore as they started questioning all their life choices as to what got them into their current situation. It didn't last long though, as Jerry rolled off my head and onto my shoulder Kaldur's face was slowly changing. It was obvious something was on his mind, even I could see that… and I was me.

"Cell, may I ask you something?"

Called it Bitch!

"You just did, but sure. What's eating at you?"

"I have been wondering for a while, and I just wanted to know, why is it someone with your power would have no real drive to use it for... Anything really."

I shrugged.

"I wouldn't put it quite like that Kaldur, although it depends on what you mean by anything." I said as I shot him a glance.

He seemed to be wondering that himself.

"It's strange I think. To my knowledge, every meta has used their powers for some purpose, whether it is heroics or villainy. I can't quite place you into either category."

"I think that might be a bit of a generalization. Atlantis culture must be different, allow me to explain, you see _up here where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun. Wandering free..._"

"Cell, I know that song...Please, just don't." Said Kaldur as he facepalmed and sighed all at the same time.

Guess he wasn't a Little Mermaid fan. Oh well, more opportunities will show up in the future… Wonder if he saw Finding Nemo. Note to self, stalk Kaldur to find out what movies he knows. Jaws could work, but I may have to go obscure if he's sufficiently Pop Cultured.

"Alright, but getting back to your question. Your career does mean you have a lot more contact with people who either have the same profession or it's logical opposite. There could be thousands of metas out there who don't really use their powers for either hero works or dastardly deeds."

Kaldur straightened as he crossed his arms and assumed a look of contemplation.

"Huh, I never thought of that."

"Ya see, besides, I do use my abilities. Just in the most entertaining ways I can imagine, and as legal as I can... More or less."

"Seems like a waste considering your potential." Said Kaldur.

"Maybe, but that's my decision." I said with a shrug.

Kaldur nodded. Seemingly a bit more at ease. He sat back as Jerry slid back up on top of my head to scope his surroundings.

"_Arf!_"

Jerry raises a good point, but I'll have to ask Kaldur to be sure.

"Mind if I ask a question of my own?"

Kaldur looked to me and nodded.

"Why does it bother you? What I do that is."

Kaldur seemed to think on that for a while. He was about to say something, but I interrupted.

"Please don't say something to the effect of with Great Power comes Great Responsibility."

"I wasn't going to, but now that you mention it, doesn't it?"

I nodded my head, conceding his point. The point that I made by the way, you know, just in case we're keeping score... and I am.

"Yes, it does, though I don't think that is a good reason to be a hero, not in every case anyway. The responsibility could be interpreted as being a hero, no doubt about that, but it could also just mean to be responsible with your power. You know, not abusing your powers and not letting it control you is just as responsible... Not that I'm at all responsible mind you, I try very hard to be as irresponsible as possible within the bounds of reason."

"What bounds of reason?"

"You know what...I dunno... When I figure that out you'll be the first to know."

"I see, but no that wasn't it... I don't think I am bothered by it, just... confused and curious mostly."

"That a fact?" I asked as we entered the Kitchen.

"_Arf!_"

Jerry ate... Just about anything really. So just tossing food on the floor was a good way to go, it didn't last long let me tell you. He actually ate a whole chicken, bones and all without any issues. At this point he was the world's most adorable garbage disposal. If it was organic, Jerry could and would eat it. If it wasn't organic, he damn well was going to try,and in a few cases succeed.

"Well I hope I lifted that confusion of yours a bit."

"To a degree. Still seems odd to me."

"Well I'm an odd guy." I said with a shrug.

"On that, we are in complete agreement."

"Glad we cleared that up. Now if you'll excuse me, I apparently have a website, I'm gonna check it out."

* * *

"Everything went to shit!"

"What?" Asked Robin.

"Everything went to shit! The Website. Everyone knows about it. People wouldn't stop calling, so I had to eat my phone to make it stop."

"Why would you do that?"

"It... Seemed like a really good idea at the time."

"Seems legit." Said Robin with a nod.

Good, he's learning my quirks... wait... SHIT HE'S LEARNING MY QUIRKS! I'll have to find a way to remedy this situation later.

"Look, I just need help figuring out who made the damn thing using your computer wizard powers."

"You mean hacking?"

"Like I said, Computer Wizard Powers. I just need to know if its a problem. I want to be sure before I start punching the problem until it is not a problem any more. Well either that or I ROCK THEM TO DEATH!"

"Alright man, no need to scream." Robin said as he moved over to the computer and started doing... Computer wizardry.

It involved typing, mouse moving, clicking, and... A AI thingy that looked like a chibi Robin dancing, because sure why not. I guess Robin is just that damn good, he'll hack your firewalls, and your stonewalls, and your waterfalls. He'll hack all the walls. Hmmmm... Wall Man might want to be careful around Robin. After a while, Robin turned to me, I guess indicating he hacked the shit out of that website.

"Sorry Cell, but you're not going to like this."

"What?"

"I don't know who made it, and they used a VPN to hide themselves. Sorry to say, I can't say much more."

...

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" I said as I smacked myself in the face.

"You can hack anything, but not VPN's?"

Robin shrugged.

"It happens, I can give you a list of locations, but I can't be certain which place is the real one."

Oh… well why didn't he say so.

"What are the places anyway?"

"Let's see, Chicago, Sussex, Boston, Osaka, Metropolis, Salem, New Orleans, Hong Kong, Hub City, and… Apparently Atlantis."

…

"Wait, Atlantis has internet?"

"Well, yeah… Everywhere has internet."

Huh… Neat. Still.

"That still doesn't tell me shit."

"It's what I got." said Robin with a shrug.

I laid my head on my fist. A few of those places could be it, it was still really annoying. Maybe I needed a better hacker… This was ridiculous. I mean sure I cold get a new phone number, but that didn't really fix the issue.

Then my stomach phone rang. I sighed to myself, and with a simple punch to my own stomach I coughed up the phone and caught it mid air. Then I answered it.

"Hello?"

"_Hello Mr. Cell, this is Lois Lane of the Daily Planet. I was wondering if I could get an interview with you._"

* * *

**A/N: **Just in case anyone missed it, this story has a cover image now. I drew it.


	16. Two Scoops

**Two Scoops**

Long ago (Yesterday) in a distant land (Metropolis), I, Cell Genome McSplice III, the Trolling master of Lulz, unleashed an unspeakable kek! But a foolish kryptonian warrior wearing a pair of red underwear over his pants stepped forth to oppose an evil cyborg. Before a single blow was struck (By The Kryptonian that is), I (accidentally I swear) tore open a hole in his pants and flung him into an embarrassing future, where he is laughed at constantly! Now the fool seeks to return to the tailor (presumably), and undo the pants rip that. Is. LULZ-Y!

…

Also I got hit in the face again.

So let me explain how this happened. 

* * *

I walked into the room with a smile on my face, and hands in my pocket. Of course, no one here knew who I was, for I had the best disguise possible…. Reading Glasses… With a Groucho Marx nose glued to it, but that was for flavor.. Sure I had to pay a bit to have a pair designed to fit around my head, but I don't think anyone would notice tha… and I just walked into a wall…Ow!

Stupid Glasses. The Groucho Marx nose doesn't even provide adequate facial protection. If anything it hurt worse because of it. Maybe it was because the moustache portion felt left out… That's how that works right?

Regardless, I couldn't be discovered yet, I just had to blend in.

"Oh, Hello Mr. Cell, Lois said you were coming."

I see my ingenious disguise was working. They didn't expect a thing… also it was Mr. McSplice you stupid...dummy... Well, all the jokes can't be good! You gotta expect that sometimes.

"Yes indeed random citizen, I am normal yes, designation Hugh Mann, nice be meeting you."

He blinked.

"Okay...Um, anyway My name is Jimmy Olsen, I've been following you for a while, gotta say man, your stunts are out there man."

It isn't even fair how well such a disguise lulls them into a false sense of security. Perhaps next time I'll use a monocle…. No save that for the British disguise.

"Greeterlings Mr. Olsen. I am requiring aid yes, where is the interviewing rooms of interviews please?"

Jimmy rose a brow at me. Hmmm, did he know the truth… No impossible. My disguise was flawless.

"I'll…. Show you the way."

"Hi Jimmy and…."

I smiled. Oh this was too good.

"Hi Clark, this is Cell, the guy who does… all kinds of stuff really. Cell meet Clark."

Clark Kent stared at me, specifically my glasses as I… stared at his blurry and indistinct face. It was really REALLY blurry. Like Bigfoot Blurry.

"Greetings Cake, I am being Hugh Mann yes, nice to be meeting you now. May I say our pants are lovely this time of year. May I try one?"

Nailed it, man pretending to be human is so easy.

"Yeah he's…. Doing a thing." said Jimmy.

Clark just stared at me (I assume, fucking glasses). Hard to tell when everything was, as mentioned previously Bigfoot blurry. The Fool, he couldn't even tell could he. I honked my Groucho Marx nose.

"I… see. Hello Mr. Cell, names Clark Kent." he said as he reached out for a shake.

Gotta be honest, I missed his hand the first… six times trying to find it to shake. Thankfully he managed to grab it while I was just kinds… flailing it around. If he wasn't so damn out of focus.

"Thank you for the hand hug Mr. Distilled Kentwood. I am pregnant now yes. We name child Friples, Yes."

Clark took a step back, he cringed. I… was having way too much fun with this. I mean sure, he probably now suspected I knew his secret, but at the same time considering what he knew of me, he could never be sure if I really did, or if this was just me being… well, me. And that was what made this so delicious.

"Alright Cell, let's go meet Lois. See you later Clark"

"Yes, Chalk Kinder Eggs person, See you when I are located for next child support meeting yes."

I kinda wanted to troll Supes a bit more, but I decided to move on. Silver lining, I only hit 4 walls… The other 2 walls I walked through like my Inner 'Macho Man' in a Slim Jim commercial. Told them to bill me.

Soon we entered a dark blurry room, but that might have been the glasses. Blurry Lois (I think) was already sitting there. She might have smiled at me, but I can't be sure. Everyone was wearing their blurry clothes today.

"Hello Cell, glad to see you took me up on my offer."

Time to reveal myself.

I removed the glasses as melodramatically as humanly (Cell-ly?) possible..

"AH HA!, You fell for my disguise. It was in fact I Cell the whole time!"

...

"...Riiiiight." said Lois.

Oh cool, everyone stopped being blurry…. Neat.

"So how…" I asked before Lois rose a single finger, as she looked over her notebook.

That was… unexpected, but whatever. She then motioned over to a nice comfy chair across from, It… wasn't really designed for tails in mind, but having a tail come out of my back instead of my ass makes that really easy to deal with. I sat there, twiddling my thumbs as she grabbed a pencil and looked to me with a smile.

"Sorry about that, just getting everything in order. So, Cell you've become quite the celebrity recently. People seem to think you're endearing ."

"Awwww, that's so nice of them to say."

"I suppose, so. So what do you think about the attention you've gotten recently."

I shrugged.

"Dunno, I got a lot more calls recently, got annoying. So I had to eat my phone, didn't work so I just chucked it into the Atlantic… I think, I don't actually know how far it went. Could have soared past the ocean for all I know."

"So you have super strength, mind sharing any other abilities you have?"

"I gots a bunch. I can make 'pew pew' lasers, and I've got soul GPS."

"Would I be correct in assuming that mean you have energy manipulation abilities and can sense people around you?"

… Huh… she apparently speaks troll. Well played Lois, Well played.

"Yeah, that… that about sums it up actually. I mean… I have more but… Gotta be honest with you, I forget some of them from time to time."

"That must be difficult to deal with."

I shrugged.

"Could be worse…. So how's it going?"

I am losing control of this conversation, need to deflect so I can find a point to recover.

"I'm fine thank you for asking, now about what you refer to as the American Seizure, you claim to have used a magical guitar to summon the spirits of Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin while playing a version of the Star Spangled Banner, seems very Woodstock to me. You a fan?"

That was… the single most arbitrarily silly question ever… of all time.

"Well… yeah…. Why?"

"Just asking questions. Now about the Catwoman fiasco. Any particular reason you used a Gilbert and Sullivan song?"

"Well… Cat-Like Tread was just too good to pass up, especially for a master thief with a cat motif."

These were…. Odd questions. There was no connection between one question and another. She just… blurted out queries like the player character in an RPG video game with a faulty dialogue wheel.

"Makes sense I suppose. I noticed in your last interview with Good Morning Boston that you quoted Videodrome. Why end the interview like that?"

She's up to something. Warning lights are flaring, I am the Titanic and she's about to cast Iceberg. What is happening?

"I'm a David Cronenberg fan…I'm sorry but... these questions seem…. Odd, if you don't mind me saying. Is this going anywhere?"

"Well last odd question then before we get into the meat of the interview. How old are you? Sources indicate you claim to be six or seven years old, but I don't buy that…."

...ohhhhh noooo.

"Your interests are all over the place. Woodstock took place in 1969 with its most well known documentary coming out in 1970, the Pirates of Penzance on the other hand is much much older, but the popular film adaptation came out in 1983, finally Videodrome came out in 1983 as well. I asked a few experts and they seem to think, based on the popular media you quote or reference, your age bracket makes more sense to be in the mid to late twenties or above, not seven."

….Oh shit… I just remembered... Lois Lane was a Professional Pulitzer Prize Winner... I don't think I thought this through. Stupid think… head… organ...ummm. Brian thats it, stupid moth brain. This was not good, she's seen worse than me. She (Presumably) covered wars, you know.

"I happen to like older media." I said.

"And you discovered this in the seven years you've been alive?"

What is happening right now? Is… is Lois Lane playing me? My God… Lois Lane is Epic Level! She's rolling crits! S.O.S. Send Help. Danger, Will Robinson! SHE'S CHECKMATING! SHE'S SINKING MY BATTLESHIP! SHE JUST WON CONNECT 4… Pretty sneaky Lois!

"Yes." I said blankly.

She smiled as she wrote… something down in her journal. Seriously, what is her intelligence score? What Is her charisma score? The world must know… I must know.

"That is interesting. How about we get to the questions that the public actually wants to know. The American Seizure, your use of a psychedelic version of the Star Spangled Banner was interesting, While I don't think anyone can argue with your results, I do wonder what made you think it would even work in freeing Uncle Sam?"

"Oh… Well Uncle Sam was hypnotised by the Vampire, the same guy tried to do it to me, but him saying 'Look into my eyes' made it really obvious what he was trying to do, so I just punched him in the face instead. To make a long story short, Uncle Sam brought me into his own personal political pocket dimension where he wasn't hypnotized, we talked. Apparently he draws his power from American Patriotism, so I formed the plan based on that."

It was only now I realized that Lois's smile didn't quite reach her eyes before, but they did now. Oh she was good. She laid a trap and I walked right into it. Alright, now this… is fun. Before she had my interest, now she has my attention. Once she finished writing… reporter stuff, she looked to me.

"That actually clears a lot up about what happened that night, thank you. Moving on though, I'm very interested on your encounter with the Infamous Joker, many videos exist showing the tail end of the altercation. How was it you managed to not only stall, but managed to have the Joker willingly leave the location with no loss of life?"

"I had help, my brother and sister are just as… eccentric as me in their own little way. The Joker isn't an overly complicated individual, at least not where his methods are concerned. He's used to dishing it out, but not so good at tasting his own medicine. He wants an audience, so deprive him of that and heckle him, and he can't improvise. I don't expect that to work every time, but in specific circumstances… it could. You just have to blindside him."

Plus I watched Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker.

This is… weird. I mean. I feel like mocking tones, asinine wordplay, and non sequiturs would be… disrespectful somehow… The hell is going on? Is this the power of an epic level Reporter? Well, it is fun to be pleasantly surprised.

"Funny and insightful, an interesting combination. Your schadenfreude schemes never cease to entertain the public, The Catwoman incident, painting the Batmobile pink. I have to wonder however, do you consider yourself a hero?"

…This again? What's with the hero thing?

"Not… Really. The world is a… really dark place. I'm just trying to make it a bit brighter, if I have to do it at the expense of people who take themselves a bit too seriously then so be it. I mean… If a crime is happening in front of me, I would intervene, but beyond that… I don't seek out crimes in need of solving. There are people far better and more invested in doing that than I."

My God I am taking this seriously. Calling it now, Lois Lane has magical serious powers of seriousness.

"I see, let's discuss something a bit more personal. You say you have a brother and sister, all information on you I could find points to you being from another universe. Where did your siblings come from, and why do they appear human when you… well not to be rude but you aren't human in appearance."

Ah, those last words were very interesting. Not human 'in appearance' I suspect the Lady has chosen her words very carefully. She is very good at this. This is just as entertaining if I look at it from the right angle. She may have this situation in hand, but I have to admit, this was kinda fun. Lois has this… presence to her, an air of professionalism that just… oozes… something ooze-y. She is in her zone. She was Zen as FUCK!

"It's a strange story. I… Don't think I am willing to go into details my siblings would rather keep hidden. I will say that they were born completely human. They were modified, I was manufactured."

"I see, well I wouldn't want to pry. I can tell it bothers you."

Not inaccurate, I mean… It didn't bother me about my origin, but… Lapis and Lazuli were just kids… That is all kinds of fucked up. It's sick beyond comprehension. Yeah I'm an over protective big brother, what of it?

"Thank you. I appreciate it."

"It's my business, looking beyond the external. I'm just here to ask questions, don't feel pressured to answer if you don't want to."

Lois is nice, I like her.

"Thanks, so… any more questions?" I asked.

This wasn't too bad. 

* * *

Lois finished writing whatever it was on her little notebook before she put it away.

"Thanks for that." she said.

I quirked my head.

"For what?" I asked.

"I've been looking into you for a while, I know you're the mischievous type, thanks for taking this seriously."

She knows!

"Oh… that, well… You're really convincing."

"It's a gift." she said with a hint of pride, but it wasn't like she didn't earn it.

"I noticed, I expected this to go a lot worse actually." I said cheerfully… this was nice.

"Your interview wasn't that bad, once I had to deal with a drug lord who planned on selling me out for a ransom. Had to use my feminine wiles to get my hands on a Submachine Gun and get out of there. Managed to get a hold of his ledger on the way out and his journal with all of his juicy secrets. Not my best scoop, but one I am most proud of. I hear he still has nightmares on prison."

….Damn Lois! You know, that does actually make me wonder...

"I admit I didn't think much of it at the time, but… why did you want an interview?"

"You're a hot topic right now. People are curious about the self proclaimed 'Interdimensional Insect of Mystery'. I'll admit, It's not my normal material to interview someone who isn't a career politician, High ranking general, high profile scientist, or a CEO, but no one else could really get a read on you. I figure I might as well take a shot at it. I also felt there was a method to your madness."

"And the age thing?" I asked.

"Gut feeling. Hope you don't mind. How old are you really?"

"Seven." I blatantly bullshitted to her face with a smile.

She rolled her eyes at that. Call me on it if you wish Lois, I'll never tell. I'll admit my respect for you has shot through the roof and almost killed a passing pigeon, but you're gonna have to do better than asking.

"And I'm twenty one, but if you don't want to say, then that is your right. As the saying goes 'truth will out' anyway, it's not something the public really cares about, but I have this feeling there is something more to you. Something you're hiding."

"Well… we all have our secrets."

Like 'I'm married to Superman'.

"Either way, I am glad I accepted." I said with a smile.

And I was, this was fun in a rather unexpected way.

"Me to, now I have to start getting this typed up. Spellchecker better not be off again."

I took a glance at her notes and… WHAT CHICKEN SCRATCHINGS IS THAT! IS THAT EVEN ENGLISH!

...That isn't even how you spell psychedelic… 

* * *

That was…. Interesting? Yeah interesting seems like the right word. It's official, I have no idea what I'm doing. I was still in the Daily Planet… building… place. I chose against wearing the glasses. Just in case the next wall I went through was load bearing or… something. Whatever.

I had my hands in my pocket as I walked past the window… where a red and blue blur rocketed past me… well, lets go have fun. Who knows, I might get to see a Mad Scientist get punted in the face. I mean it might not be a Mad Scientist, but there's always some new crackpot maniac with a bachelor's degree in crazy with an invention to murder logic or destroy/take over the world, and they always test it out on Metropolis for some reason… or Gotham… or any city within spitting distance of the nearest crime fighting crime fighter. My wings stretched out as I flew out the Daily Planet. I followed after Supes, who flew towards a pillar of billowing smoke, which of course was coming from a burning building in the center of town. Supes raced on in. So it wasn't a Mad Scientist, but who knows, with my track record this is bound to get real stupid real fast.

I sat on top of a not burning building across the street, ignoring the fire like it wasn't my problem - because I'm stubborn like that - watching the master of heroism do his stuff. I could hear the screams, but Superman wasn't like most superheroes. He effectively had won the lottery where powers are concerned, and before I could blink he already had most of the victims out of the raging inferno. Then I noticed something… off. Someone was standing near the big burning building, staring at Supes with a hateful gaze. I couldn't really place who this guy was, but my gut was telling me this guy probably was the fire starter. Supes just finished extinguishing the fires with his super breath. I extended my Ki senses towards the possible bad guy and… he barely registers.

That... should really be impossible, everything had ki. Animals had Ki, People had Ki, the fucking grass had K, even that fucking Vampire had Ki. Basically if it was alive, it had fucking Ki…. Dis guy had some Ki, but a single blade of grass could kick his ass. He was either even more on the dead side of the undead spectrum than a vampire, or he wasn't actually alive… or some third option I am not considering.

Superman, who had just finished his good deed of the current millisecond before the next one in roughly 0.05 milliseconds stopped to talk to… police or something, I was more focused on the stranger for specifics. As Supes talked however, this obviously evil and possibly dead... mostly dead guy started walking towards Supes. He lifted his own hand… and it rotated several times… so a robot…. Thing. Wait, he did register a bit on my senses as opposed to not at all, so… cyborg? I'll go with Fisher-Price Terminator.

As the Fisher-Price Terminator walked towards Superman, he started unbuttoning his shirt… ok interesting tactic I suppose. Of course the metal chest plate underneath was marginally better than a beer gut and… oh it's Metallo. I know this because his chest just slid open to reveal a chunk of green glowing crystal… Well gee willikers mister, I wonder what that green chunk of glowing rock is… obviously it was those rarest of elements... Earthite...

…Kryptonite, the answer is kryptonite. I'm not that stupid.

I'm still going to call him Fisher-Price Terminator in my head though.

Supes stumbled for but a second as his head shot towards Metallo who… ripped off his own face…

…

Why?

Well whatever the reason, I decided to intervene.

"Hello Superman. Remember me." Said Metallo as he power walked towards the Man of Steel, who grit his teeth and clenched his fists.

Huh… apparently Metallo is a very British bot. I'll have to remember to strive to use humour instead of humor.

I teleported in next to the Fisher-Price Cylon (gotta change it up every now and then) and punched him underneath his metal chinny chin chin, sending him rocketing off into the sky like a… rocket…. Moving on.

"Hi Supes." I said as I waved at him, he seemed very confused at the sudden turn of events.

"Cell… what are you doing here?" He asked… Like he didn't know.

Before I could answer that question, Metallo landed on the ground in a crouch, before looking to me with as hateful a glare as his robo-face allowed… considering the glare built into his skull design, he was doing a pretty good job.

"You shouldn't have done…."

Stretchy arms powers Activate! Form of… fist…. Shape of… uppercut.

"I was in the neighborhood." I told Superman as my arm returned to a normal length.

Superman crossed his arms as he stared up in the sky, before turning back to me.

"Well I appreciate the assist, but I can handle it from…"

*_RIIIIIIIIP!_*

...Well… that was unexpected.

Probability is a funny thing. Every now and then you flip a coin, it lands just right, and stands on its edge. It's not remarkably common mind you. One in a billion probably. I'm sure a mathematician would be able to give you a better estimate before he has to go and get arrested for one to many infractions for making Math puns… Like that one. Regardless, whatever the tenuous forces that control the universe were, they currently played a game of Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker, and somehow pulled a hypothetical null-number trap card that shouldn't have ever come up, because an unconscious (How? Did his battery die? Does he require a new DC (lol) power supply?) Metallo fell into Superman in such a way, that his metal arm caught the kryptonians suit, specifically his back side, giving all the world a very good view of Superman's Super Ass.

Not the best day to decide to go commando let me tell you.

Now it is also important to remember that there was a fire in the area earlier, and a crowd had already formed around us because of that, a crowd that got one hell of a show. Pretty sure they all got to see what in layman's terms was the Property of one Lois Lane. I'm certain that if Superman could get tattoos, LL would be printed on each cheek… you know for a guy powered by the sun, he's really pasty… well he was previously. He turned a frightening shade of red (All of him did) before Metallo's Kryptonite heart started messing with him further… and he fell a bit, flexing his pasty super glutes before I decided… maybe I should stop this from escalating further.

Several more mature members of the crowd were stifling their laughter or covering their eyes, the rest chortled like tomorrow… one particularly amused individual wolf whistled.

Kinda surprised his suit actually took damage, wasn't it kryptonian engineered… unless kryptonite effected it as well… something to ponder on later. I grabbed Metallo, tossed him away like a boss, and skillfully moved Supes cape over his super-humanly sculpted ass.

"Ummm… that was not intentional…" I said just before Superman pulled a Flash and got the hell out of dodge at speeds that WERE REALLY FUCKING LOUD BY THE WAY. That left me, evil Robocop, and a very VERY amused populace.

"What just happened? " Asked Metallo, who looked around in a confused manner clenching at his head in pain… so how does THAT work? Does Metallo have pain receptors? Seems like a pretty bad design flaw against someone willing to kick him in his chromed nuts and bolts… maybe it was an instinctive... reflex… thing, he did used to be human.

"Well… you missed the first ever Solar Powered full moon and the second worst thing to happen to Superman since Superman 64."

Metallo rubbed his optics before he looked to me, before moving back ever so slightly.

" Wait… are you… oh crap… I surrender." Said Metallo as he hastily put his hands up in the air like he just don't care.

I see my reputation precedes me. I'm so awesome I can turn British Robots French… sorry France, you have a reputation. 

* * *

I teleported myself inside the mountain fortress, because Fuck Zeta Beams. It had certainly been a day, that was for sure, I think I'll.

*_THWACK_*

OW! WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE FUCKING FACE!

"Ok first of OW! Second who...who the hell are you?"

Standing in front of me was an elderly Asian man wearing sunglasses and a cane. I rubbed my... beak mouth nose thingy as I examined him. He looked... old and very asian.

"Your instincts are awful. Diana was right, you're gonna need a lot of work."

…

"I'm sorry but WHO THE HELL ARE YOU! WHERE DID YOU COME FROM! WHY ARE YOU HERE!?"

"No need to yell, I'm blind not deaf."

…Huh, neat.

"I honestly could not tell."

"It's the sunglasses, call me I-Ching everyone does, I am to be your shifu in the art of chi manipulation."

...

First vampires, then an untraceable website, now this... I have to much shit to do to deal with this... excess shit. 

* * *

**A/N**: Lois Lane is a Treasure and you WILL respect her. She is a badass and you will acknowledge her as such because her using a submachine gun to fight off an asshole drug dealer is CANON… Pre New 52 perhaps, but it is Canon nonetheless.


	17. Be A (Bug) Man

**Be a (Bug) Man**

Fuck meditation. Fuck it in it's fucking face.

"Cell, your chi just fluctuated. Concentrate."

I opened my eye to see that I-Ching was hovering over the ground in his own meditative pose. Not impressive, I could do that to.

"Concentrate." He said as my one open eye rolled in it's socket.

I spared a glance at Lapis and Lazuli. Lazuli looked relaxed at the moment. Her face bereft of anything resembling emotion as she herself hovered over the ground...

Lapis on the other hand...was sleeping. Apparently, he talks in his sleep.

"No mommy, I don't wanna go to summer camp... The water tried to eat my spaghetti."

*_THWACK_!*

"OW! What was that for?!" Screamed a now awake Lapis.

Ha, you know seeing happen to someone else is...

*_THWACK_!*

OW! FUCKING...OW!

WHY DOES THIS KEEP...

*_THWACK_!*

THAT'S IT!

I reached out towards I-Chings cane as fast as I...

*_THWACK_!*

MY FUCKING HAND!

"You're fast Cell, but you have no form or finesse, just raw speed, it will get you nowhere against someone like me. I'm blind and even I can see that much."

Smartass.

"You'll never be anything more than an irrelevant insect without properly understanding how, when, and why to use your abilities correctly."

"Bite my neon green ass."

*_THWACK_!*

OW! MY NEON GREEN ASS! IT STINGS!

I-Ching put away his cane and gave off a sigh, before pinching the bridge of his nose and taking a calming breath.

"Cell, what is your purpose?"

...

"Come again?"

"Your purpose. You have been gifted amazing abilities, you could be so much more than you are now. Why limit yourself to childish antics?"

"...Because it amuses me."

"A villain waiting to happen then?"

...I'm sorry what?

"No! Where would... Where did you even get that idea!"

"The defining difference between a hero and a villain is their use of their abilities, not the abilities themself. Self sacrifice versus self interest. You don't have to be either a hero or a villain Cell, but you do need to understand how a hero acts and thinks, and at least try to emulate some of it. Otherwise you WILL be branded a villain, whether that is your intention or not."

Ok... This was starting to get really old really fast.

"I'm not interested in heroics I'm just..."

"And why is that?" Interrupted I-Ching.

"Because I... I'm... I..." I sighed before calming myself down. "I don't think I'm psychologically capable of being one."

I-Ching rose a brow and motioned for me to continue. Lapis and Lazuli likewise stopped what they were doing to stare at me as well... This was... Not how I wanted today to go.

How to explain this?

"You're familiar with comic books right?" I asked... And no this isn't going where you think it is.

"Old hero stories. For many Superheroes, they inspired their actions in the present. I believe a "Justice Guild of America" movie is in the works. I hear Ben Affleck is playing Catman."

... Huh... This is... Interesting. Coincidence? maybe...Wait wasn't that an episode of the Justice League cartoon with a psychic mutant kid or something using mind powers to bring fictional fictional heroes back to life? I'll have to look into it, still I can't get distracted.

"Well, back in my universe there was a comic book series called Irredeemable. It was about this character, The Plutonian who had a lot of powers similar to Superman. The premise of the series was... Well imagine if Superman had gone very, VERY, wrong. He went bad, shook off his morals, ideals, and humanity after one mistake... Became a mass murdering monster. Who could stop him?"

I-Ching nodded as he stroked his beard.

"I see, and...?"

"It was the reason the Plutonian fell. He was... Overworked and stressed. He didn't have the psychological strength to handle his super-senses - hearing literally every single cry for help and every little snide ass comment about him over the cheering masses drove him increasingly closer to the edge. He went into space for a ten minute break from it all. He however chose to do this at the worst possible time. An alien sound virus struck, one that killed only children, melting their flesh and muscle and animating their skeletons. The virus traveled by both the screams of its victims dying in agony and the screams of anyone who saw it. The Plutonian had the sense of hearing necessary to detect it and stop it long before it struck. Well there is no sound in space."

...

"...Holy. Fucking. Shit." Said I-Ching.

"The world blamed the Plutonian for it... His sidekick blamed him for it. With great power comes great responsibility, yes... but when that power is misused, the responsibility for that lies with the actor, not those around the actor second-guessing themselves. The world blamed the Plutonian, he blamed himself, and thought himself Irredeemable…" Roll Credits! "...It wasn't his fault those kids died, but his reaction to it, well that was his fault. So he fell... Hard."

...

"You read some fucked up stories, you know that?" Said Lazuli.

"As... Interesting as that story is, I think I see the problem. You're a coward." Said I-Ching.

"...You know... You're the second person to call me that."

I-Ching nodded.

"Must have been a smart one."

"Kid Flash."

"Must have been a smart one." I-Ching repeated.

Fair enough.

"You're afraid that the sense of responsibility will cause you to feel responsible for mistakes that weren't truly your fault. You believe you may become a villain, correct?"

...

"Do we have to do all this psychoanalysis bullshit?"

"If you don't want to be a hero, that is fine, but your reason doesn't make sense, after all if you have this idea in your head, then you know the pitfalls to look out for." Said I-Ching.

"Well... When you put it like that..."

"What about that Superhero Paradox? Is that a reason still?"

"You know about that? Well... No, Red Tornado and Flash explained it well enough, they didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning. It made... A lot of sense so..." I said before I-Ching interrupted me A-Fucking-gain.

"So because they changed your mind on one reason not to be a hero, you rationalized a different reason not to be a hero, and if anyone convinces you that reason is faulty, you'll just come up with another reason."

…

"I didn't… But I…"

"Yes...? I'm listening." said I-Ching as he waited for my answer.

...

...I teleported out of the room.

Just who in the hell does he think he is? An asshole thats what... You know what, I don't need a reason not to want to be a hero.

Wait... Was this?

Oh hold on, I'm having a thought. Is he trying to get me to... Did the League tell him to do that? Were they...? Would they use him to try and make me into a hero?

...

Fuck this.

I teleported back in front of I-Ching, who was sitting there... Being blind and shit. Well fuck him in his blind face. I flipped him off, he couldn't stop me.

*_THWACK_!*

OW! HE STOPPED ME!

Ok, enough of this bull shit.

"Lapis, Lazuli, pack your shit. We're leaving."

"Wait what?" Said Lapis.

"Did I Fucking stutter?!" I yelled.

I almost immediately regretted it when Lapis flinched. My anger cooled down a bit until I-Ching shook his head.

"Just like a coward."

Angers back!

"FUCK! YOU! I don't have to take this shit from you, I don't have to take it from anyone. I'm here because I want to be here, and guess what, I don't want to be here anymore. I don't have to justify myself to you or anyone, go Fuck yourself, sir"

"You're right, you don't have to justify yourself. So why do you?"

"YOU FUCKING ASKE... No, you know what, I'm not answering that. I'm leaving, or did you not get the memo?"

"But..."

"Now Lapis!" I yelled/interrupted as… politely? Yeah as politely as I could.

"But... I don't want to leave. I like it here." Said Lapis.

...

Fuck!

I plopped back down, arms crossed and refusing to look at I-Ching.

"Just... Do your thing." I said dismissively.

Lazuli, who was sitting on the ground, looked to me for a second, before she turned to Lapis. After a moment, she sighed and looked to I-Ching.

"Can you excuse us for a second."

The old blind bastard... Who is blind by the way, nodded before standing up and walking off. I gave the double middle finger salute at him as he left.

Lazuli then turned to me.

"What was that about?"

"Nothing. I just... I'm really tired of everyone talking about heroes."

"Then don't listen. Just get the damn training and when it's over we can leave this rock." She said while rolling her eyes.

I crossed my arms... Perhaps I am a bit petulant, I'll admit that, but at the same time... I was getting tired of it.

"Fine... I'm... I gotta go out for a walk." I said as I stood up.

"You ok?" Asked Lapis.

"Yeah, I just... I gotta go get this shit off my mind... I'm sorry for yelling at you Lapis."

He smiled.

"No worries."

Just… so damn precious.

"And you'll come back?" Asked Lazuli... A tad bit sternly.

I nodded in response.

She nodded back.

"Alright then, go throw your little PMS hissy fit, and we'll see you when you get back. And you WILL get back."

I barked out a short laugh. It was kinda funny.

"I'll be back, don't you worry." I said as I put my index and middle finger to my forehead and teleported out. 

* * *

"...Then he goes and calls me a coward, well I say fuck him. What does he know." I confided.

"GET OFF MY COUCH!" screamed Lex Luthor as he sat behind his desktop doing... Probably crime.

"What would you do in my situation Lex?" I asked.

"Well, first I'd get off MY Couch and leave MY office. How about this, just kill him and leave me the hell alone."

"Nah, seems a bit too far to go, we'll have that as a Plan B."

"Well good for you, now GET OUT!"

"You think he's right?" I asked seriously.

"I really don't care. I couldn't fathom why you think I would after that... Alanis Morissette song incident. Just get the hell out."

"You know her song Ironic has not one instance of irony in it. I think that's pretty Ironic."

Lex Face Desk'd . An advanced technique of the Face Palm to be sure, one that was not to be used sparingly.

"You're gonna give yourself a concussion if you keep doing that you know."

"I hate you... So much I can't even put it into words."

I nodded, that did seem legit.

"Yeah, that's probably it. I still think the Justice League put him up to it, they're trying to make me a hero I can feel it."

"Oh no, not that. Whatever will you do." Said Lex stone faced sarcastically.

"Nice impression of Lazuli." I said with a smile.

"Don't care, Get out." He said as he typed away.

I nodded as I reclined back in the couch. Lex tried his best to ignore my presence but after a minute his typing stopped and he turned to look at me.

"So when I say 'get out' what do you hear?"

"It is a lovely couch isn't it." I said in agreement.

"Damn well better be, it's Full Grain leather, cost me 15 grand..." Lex froze, probably realizing exactly what he said, before turning to glare at me with the white hot hate of a thousand Bladi's after answering a basic/incomprehensible math question wrong.

"I still hate you." Said Lex.

I smiled.

"Of course you do Lex. Of course you do." 

* * *

Lex made a good point, I probably was just taking this all to personally. However since I was out, might as well take stock of some projects I've been working on. I had recently purchased an abandoned arcade. The days if Arcades were over, but I had… slightly different plans for it. Renovations were underway to expand both the building itself and the surrounding parking lot. I put on my hard hat with two holes cut in it to fit my horns and walked on in past the construction crew.

"Ernie, talk to me, how's progress?"

"Well Mr. McSplice the animatronics arrived a bit ahead of schedule, but we have them in storage for now. Foundation is strong and we added a few more rooms for birthdays and what not. Most of the old arcade machines were busted, but a few just needs a bit of work. I'd say everything should be ready by summer of next year."

"Good to hear Ernie, I'll be sure to get you a nice bonus for the good job."

"I appreciate it Mr. McSplice."

"Please, call me Cell." I said as I looked up to the brand new sign above my future Pizzeria.

Freddy Fazbear's Pizza.

I smiled, if all went according to plan then by the time Scott Cawthon came up with his game in 2014, I imagine he would have to call me up and we'd have to work something out. I'll try and keep this place off the books for a while, so he doesn't change the name of the game before it's released. Everyone will assume it was just a MASSIVE coincidence. I'll ensue I have a paper trail to *ahem* prove *ahem* that I came up with the idea first. Even if this place has to hemorrhage money for a few years, long term I can picture a big increase in profits if it works out. Sure it's a horror game, but that never seemed to bother kids who watched Let's Play's.

All according to my overly convoluted and possibly mad plans that ends with me getting my revenge on Chuck E. Cheese for… doing...something terrifying in my youth. I'm sure it'll come to me when my brain makes up something that didn't really happen that I swear really happened.

...

Traumatic Experience! Thats it, yeah revenge for a… nebulously vague traumatic experience. 

* * *

With that out of the way, my next order of business was to check in on my major motion picture. A remake of 'Santa Claus Conquers the Martians'… this time with actual for real Martians. Renamed 'Santa Claus and the Martians Vs. The Forces of Hell' by the PR department. I smiled when I walked upon whom I chosen to play old Saint Nick.

"AH, HELLO THERE MR. MCSPLICE!"

"Hi Mr. Blessed." I said to the large ham of a man.

"PLEASE, CALL ME BRIAN, BRIAN BLESSED! SO WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE?"

The scenery was chewed like bubblegum. Tyranids WISH they could utterly devour the scenery like Brian Blessed.

"If you call me Cell, I'll call you Brian, and I'm just seeing how things are going."

"I SEE, WELL I'LL BE GOING NOW, I HAVE TO PREPARE!" Said Brian with a dramatic flourish.

I love that man.

I waved at BRIAN BLESSED as I moved over to the director...s. It seemed like a good idea at the time, Christopher Nolan would direct most of the film's dramatic moments, but the action scenes… well there were two other directors.

"Hi there John Woo and Michael Bay."

John Woo stood around the dove cages taking stock as Bay just kinda sat around. Strictly speaking, Bay would only direct and film explosions… and absolutely nothing else.

Woo nodded at me. Bay just kinda waved me off… oooookay. Let's check on the Martians. Walking my happy ass over to the gaggle of martians. They sat around doing… martian stuff as I walked on up.

"Hiya fellas, how's it shaking?"

"Ah, Cell, nice of you to show up. I had a suggestion for my character. Now the script says that I'm on the Sleigh getting shot at by Hellspawn Abominations before I leap onto Rudolph to use his laser nose to kill the Fire Kraken, but I was thinking, can I use the electro-whip to swing onto his back. l mean the script does say that a Cyborg Hell Dragon is flying over, wouldn't it be awesome if I used my electro-whip to grab onto its talons and swing onto Rudolph's back before brandishing my Hard Light Rapier."

"I love the idea, like a Martian Indiana Jones meets Errol Flynn. I'll make sure Woo puts it in."

I love being rich. 

* * *

After a productive day, I figure it was time to return to the mountain, and maybe talk to I-Ching, see what's up there and…. Jerry was sitting on top of a giant metal sphere.

…

What?

"Hi Cell, look what Superboy found on our last mission." Said Megan.

"It's…"

Then the sphere started to roll, squishing Jerry with each rotation, not that Jerry minded much at being squished.

"_Arf_!" Said Jerry, summarizing my thoughts exactly.

"I think Jerry likes her."'

I looked to Superboy who seemed very happy with his new… pet? Sure lets go with pet.

"Well…. Congratulations on your Rollie Pollie Ollie, but I have a blind asshole to talk to."

Megan seemed… only slightly confused.

"Blind?… who?"

"I have a Ki trainer now. Cell man, OUT!" I said as I put up the peace sign, walked past the Death Ball, and moved my way through the halls.

Lapis and Lazuli were leaning against the wall outside the room we were training in, when I caught their eye, Lazuli nodded to herself. Lapis waved.

"You're back. So how was your tampon run?" Asked Lazuli.

"Spotty." I said with a smirk.

"No for real, how was your walk? You calmed down?" Asked Lapis.

"Eventful, so where is Daredevil?"

"...Who?"

...Apparently they didn't go through all of the 'fiction section'... Good to know.

"The Terrible Tutor."

"Oh, he's inside." Said Lapis as he lifted his fist, thumb extended to point to said room behind him with his thumb.

I nodded and stepped my green self right on in like I owned the place… and with my bank account I probably could if I wanted.

"Ah, Cell, nice that you have returned."

"Saw me coming huh?" I said.

"Ah yes, joke about my disability why don't you."

"You and I both know that your 'disability' is anything but." I said with the LIBERAL usage of finger quotes.

I-Ching nodded.

"Perhaps? So tell me, have you come to a decision?"

"I just want to say I probably don't have a really good reason not to be a superhero, I just don't want to. Happy?"

I-Ching nodded, with his own smile.

"Indeed I am. For the record, had you just said you didn't want to be a hero and gave no answer beyond that, I would have accepted it."

"...Was that some kind of ninja test… thingy?"

"Call it what you want, I understand perfectly well that you require training not out of choice, but necessity. It is a new experience for me as well. Until you, all of my students desired the training, they chose it."

"I see… so… I guess we can start for real then."

"In a moment, you want my professional opinion as to your heroic reluctance?"

"If I say no, would you…."

"I don't think you're a coward…" I-Ching interrupted. "...and I certainly don't think it is for any philosophical or psychological reason. I just think you're lazy."

"Well… that's not... untrue."

I-Ching nodded.

"Glad you think so, we will start… tomorrow, for now rest and recuperate."

With a gesture, I-Ching ninja'd out of the room… with me watching… how?

Then my new phone rang.

"Yellow!" I said.

"Mr. McSplice, Mr. Blessed wanted to speak to you."

Yes, I got myself an assistant to deal with my calls. Still, I wasn't going to say no to BRIAN BLESSED.

"Put him through."

"AH, CELL GREETINGS. I ACTUALLY NEEDED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING… PERSONAL."

"Sure Brian, what's up?"

"YOU SEE CELL… I'M NOT… EXACTLY HUMAN."

….

"Come again?"

"I HAIL FROM THE WORLD OF NEW GENESIS, I'VE RECENTLY LEARNED THAT ONE G. GORDON GODFREY IS WORKING FOR A… NEMESIS OF OURS. I ALSO UNDERSTAND YOU WERE RECENTLY ASKED AN INTERVIEW WITH HIM. I CANNOT BE CERTAIN, BUT I BELIEVE I CAN FIND CONCLUSIVE PROOF THAT HE IS… A TRAITOR TO THIS WORLD. CAN I BRIAN BLESSED COUNT ON YOU TO HELP ME!?"

...Well how could I say no to that. 

* * *

**A/N**: Next chapter, Brian Blessed and Tim Curry meet at last. Also, I know that BRIAN BLESSED probably isn't the New God of HAM! in canon... But I can see no evidence to the contrary either so... Yeah BRIAN BLESSED is now the New God of HAM!


	18. Curry with a side order of HAM!

**A/N**: Warning, the following chapter includes the grievous butchering of Canon. Canon has been eviscerated, decapitated, shot, sliced, diced, and hastily shot out of a cannon (I call it the Canon Cannon). Reader discretion is advised.

**Curry with a side order of HAM!**

"HOPEFULLY AS YOU INTERVIEW HIM, YOUR CLONES WILL BE CAPABLE OF SNEAKING PAST HIS DEFENSES, INTO HIS ROOM, AND FIND THE EVIDENCE I NEED. I'LL BE INCOGNITO IN THE AUDIENCE AS YOUR INTERVIEW GOES ON. WE SHALL THEN STAND TRIUMPHANT OVER HIS BROKEN CAREER, RENDERED A SHADOW OF ITS FORMER SELF. IT WILL BE A CHARACTER MASSACRE THE LIKES OF WHICH THE WORLD HAS NEVER KNOWN!"

I... Love...This...Man! He's just so Hammy that he MUST sweat bacon bits.

"You got it Brian. This sounds like fun."

"INDEED MY INSECTOID FRIEND, INDEED!"

"Who's this?" Asked Kid Flash.

"And what is he doing in Mount Justice?" Asked/Accused Robin.

...

Oh right, I forgot to mention, we're in Mt. Justice right now. I mean... I can teleport whenever I want, security clearance never really entered my mind... I forgot this place was supposed to be covert... Shit.

"AH, GREETINGS YOUNG ONES, I AM BRIAN BLESSED."

"Wait... As in the actor? Dude, Ba... I mean Flash loves you in Flash Gordon." Asked Kid Flash.

"I SEE MY REPUTATION PRECEDES ME, HELLO MY YOUNG FRIENDS, IT IS NICE TO MEET YOU!"

"Yeah, I'm filming a movie. Santa Claus and the Martians Vs. The Forces of Hell, BRIAN BLESSED here is playing Santa. Since I have training today, I figure I might as well let him tag along while we hammer out his character." I said with a smile.

Sounded plausible enough to me.

"Cell... This isn't a social clu..." Said Robin before SUDDEN SONIC BOOM IS SUDDEN! OW MY EAR HOLES!

Oh hey, the Flash is here. Now if only I could hear what he was saying, wait... Hearings back.

"Where is he, is he... Mr. Blessed!... Hi. I'm the Flash! I'm a HUGE fan of Flash Gordon. It WAS my childhood."

"ALWAYS NICE TO MEET A FAN! I HAVE HEARD OF THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE, THE FLASH! QUITE A COINCIDENCE DON'T YOU THINK!"

Barry laughed nervously as he rubbed the back of his neck. Robin just kinda... Stared at the events before him in absolute bloody confusion. Like he was questioning whether this was happening right now. I looked to my watch.

"Sorry to cut this short Brian, but I have to start training. Hey Flash, why don't you show him around."

It was like seeing a kid in a Candy Shop as the Flash zipped next to BRIAN BLESSED and began talking his ear off about his character Prince Vultan. Kid Flash and Robin just watched them leave as I made my way out. I just barely heard Robin as I entered the room.

"What just happened?"

"BRIAN BLESSED happened." Said Kid Flash as he followed after the New God of LARGE HAMS! And the Fastest Man Alive. 

* * *

"Hi guys, I'm here... Where is Lapis and Lazuli?"

"Ah, Cell. So nice of you to show up. Sadly your siblings have finished their practice today, but I have time to continue your training. Come, let me show you something." Said I-Ching.

He took a deep breath... And I-Ching is now Cell 2.0. SHAPE SHIFTING HOLY FUCK ALL MY YES!

"GIMMIE!GIMMIE!GIMMIE!GIMMIE!"

"Calm yourself Cell. Now Shape Shifting is a relatively basic technique, all things considered. The more complex the form, the harder it is, we'll start with something basic. Shift you color from green to blue. Come, feel the way my Chi behaves. Focus on it's movements, ebbs, and flows." Said I-Cell as he turned back into I-Ching.

I nodded and closed my eyes before...

"A NEW GENESPHERE! HERE! OH LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE A CUTE ONE! YOU ARE A VERY LUCKY CHILD SUPERBOY!"

Huh... Neat. Didn't even need super hearing to hear that one.

"Cell... Concentrate." Said I-Ching sternly as he demonstrated Shape... Well I guess in this case Color Shifting again, allowing me to feel the way his spiritual energy moved and flowed around and through him. I could feel...something that maybe, just maybe I could emulate... Just gotta...

"HERE LET ME SHOW YOU SOME OF HER TRICKS! IT WILL BE STUPENDOUS!"

Ignore all HAM! Concentrating... Moving Ki... Doing...

"THAT IS AWESOME!" screamed Kid Flash.

As I CONCENTRATED as hard as I could trying to match the...and Superboy just drove through the wall on a superbike... Sure hope Wall Man doesn't mind repairing that. Not that I'm too bothered by that since I'm far more concerned about the CONSTANT INTERRUPTIONS!

"Hey, look what Sphere can do!" Said Superboy.

"_Arf!_"

And Jerry is here to... Wonderful. As cool as that is... And it ir really REALLY cool, I really really REALLY want to shape shif...

"AH, THERE YOU ARE MY BOY! WHAT DO YOU THINK! AND SHE CAN DO SO MUCH MORE!"

"Thanks." Said Superboy as he, aaaand there he goes... Another wall for the impenetrable Wall Man to repair.

"THAT WAS MOST FUN!" Said BRIAN BLESSED.

I sighed.

"As nice as that is, and I am happy for you both, I kinda require some quiet. It's training time." I said... Gently.

"OH I APOLOGIZE MY FRIEND! MUM'S THE WORD I ASSURE YOU! YOU SHALL HEAR NO MORE FROM ME FOR THE DURATION OF YOUR TEACHINGS!"

Good, I was hoping that...And Kid Flash just ran in. OW! FUCKING SONIC BOOMS ARE LOUD!

"HOLY HELL! DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT!"

...

I... Did NOT throw Wall Man out the door... I just... Enthusiastically showed him out forcefully. Big difference. Either way, apparently Hammyness is contageous. 

* * *

So shape/color shifting was a bust, too many distractions to do anything but... Just kinda... Feel it out. I-Ching says it's a basic technique, but I can shoot solar system destroying energy beams from my hands, so I doubt that's true. Currently me and BRIAN BLESSED were moving towards the studio of one G. Gordon Godfrey, and prepared for my... Interview. If you can call it that. We mived through the parking lot to the entrance and made it past the lobby to the doors to the main area where filming took place... Naturally BRIAN BLESSED had to be the most BRIAN BLESSED that BRIAN BLESSED could be.

"STAND ASIDE EVERYONE! I SHALL TAKE MY SEAT THERE!" Said BRIAN BLESSED pointing to a nearby empty chair... In an equally empty room.

"I don't think anyone is here yet."

"NO MATTER! AT LEAST WITH THE SEATING ARRANGEMENTS IN ORDER, I NOW MAY SHALL STRIVE TO REMAIN UNDETECTED BY OUR MOST SINISTER ENEMY!"

I can only picture that going well. Regardless, Brian took to his seat as I walked past the audience chairs towards the back. Where I met with... An intern I guess.

"Hello Mr. McSplice, welcome to the GBS studio." She said chipper as a puppy...

I feel like I may have contracted diabetes.

...

"Let me show you to your waiting room. You can get ready before the interview starts up, you're gonna LOVE it." Said the girl in her Happy Happy Joy Joy voice.

"So, how long you've been working here?" I asked, trying to pass the time.

"Oh, about a year. It's super FUN with a capital F.U.N. the hours are flexible, the pay is simply outrageous, and the flying biomechanical monsters don't even snarl at me anymore."

...Neat. Happy to hear that, Biomechanical Monsters can be such a buzz kill.

Anywho, I had a room towards the back where I was supposed to be staying until G3 called me out. It was a... Nice room, but I had a job to do, so after the chit chat with... Of course her name was Stacey... What else could it be...whatever, as soon as I got my privacy. I summoned my posse.

"Whoa, glad to be back, I gotta say man that it's been far too long." Said Also Cell.

"I can't believe BRIAN BLESSED is a New God, but it makes perfect sense, no way all that HAM can fot inside a mortal man. HOW LONG HAS SCIENCE KNOWN!" Said Other Cell as he cried to the heavens.

"Can we just get this over with, I was busy reading when you called me here." Said the Bugman Currently Known as Cell.

"Cool it guys, just look for evidence and we'll… wait how were you reading, I assumed you just kinda…. Stop existing when not in use?" I asked

"Well you see..." said the Bugman Currently Known as Cell before Other Cell interrupted him while standing out the door.

"Say Cell... Would Parademons count as evidence?"

...

We all shot to the door, which was a bit awkward when we all nearly tripped over each other. Lotta bitching and yelling followed after that, but we saw it. And what an IT it was. There was no mistaking a Parademon... Huh, they must be Stacey's Biomechanical Monsters, cause they do look partially mechanical baring most of the face. You Know that saying 'Ugly as Sin' well... That would probably be a compliment for this Butt ugly bastard. Looks like the end result of a chimpanzee fucking a shark and a toaster... Only SO much worse...

...So would the Chimpanzee be in the water? Or is it a Land Shark...? Probably the later since toasters and water don't really mix. Making toast in the tub is the last mistake many a Darwin Award Winner makes... Questions for Aqualad when I next see him I suppose, I must know if Land Sharks are a thing... Then Gordon Godzilla Godfrey of Germany spoke.

"Oh trust me, by the time I'm through with that insignificant insect, No one will be on his side anymore. He'll be ruined, if all goes to plan, he'll be locked up where he won't be able to ruin any more plans and machinations." Said G. Gordon Godfrey to a 'hidden' parademon.

I say hidden but really it was just standing the shadows. C'mon man I can see you clearly. How could I not when you are a Parademon that has THAT face, and THAT chattering chitter voice the 'hidden' Parademon was NOT what was important right now... Because...My God!

...

The man of 3G's sounds JUST like Tim Curry!

This just got a WHOLE LOT more interesting let me tell you. Oh it was delicious. BRIAN BLESSED and Tim Curry... In the same building! My God they'll chew right through it... They'll be no building left! Oh also he's trying to ruin my reputation, well tough shit Tim, I didn't even KNOW I had a reputation. Who's laughing now... Oh he is... My god that Evil Laugh is amazing.

"Wow... I almost don't want to take him down for that voice alone." Said Other Cell.

"Well tough shit, BRIAN BLESSED asked us for help, and we're gonna give it to him." Said The Bugman Currently Known as Cell.

We sat around just kinda... Listening to G. Gordon Godfrey's Glorious Golden Giggles. It was... Intoxicating. However all good things must come to an end, and the 3G-Man had to go on stage. So I sent out the clone patrol, and waited. Thankfully I didn't have to wait long.

"My next guest is the Infamous Cell Genome McSplice III a notorious prankster who has agreed to speak with me today."

I just walked on out with a smile on my face as I waved to BRIAN BLESSED who was wearing sunglasses to hide his identity... Well it worked for Clark. I took my seat.

"So, Mister Cell..."

God that voice is awesome.

"...you have become quite popular as of late. At the expense of humans none the less, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"Well G.G.G we all have our Darkseid."

...

"...Come again?"

"We all have our dark sides."

The G-Meister stared at me with a... Slightly concerned glare.

"Right, *_Ahem_* so, what um... What do you have to say of your multiple counts of disturbing the peace in Boston."

"Well, as my Granny, Goodness that she was used to say, sometimes to make an Apokaliptic rock concert you gotta bring down the Furies."

...

Oh I love that look on his face. That is the look of a man who realized that today was NOT going the way he had planed/hoped.

"I'm... I... Lets move on. What of... Ummm... You... Oh, right, It has recently come to light that you have harassed several highly influential people. One Oswald Cobblepot's for example, a REFORMED criminal. How can you justify your wanton disregard of societies rules?"

"Well you see my Glorious friend, it's like my pet Wolf Stephen, used to do. See at every New Genesis of the morning he'd come on in and drop a dead Mantis on my bed. Well I knew that he may have been a good Stephan, Wolf that he was, but sometimes you need to remind them who's the Top Dog , the Canis Major to his Canis Minor if you will. My High Father, crackhead that he was, may have been a bastard with a Darkseid, but he taught me that much. Sure the Lesson took Forever, People like myself learn slow, but I did find out how to manage, usually by singing my sisters favorite song Amazing Grace with my pet cat Big Barda."

...

...

...

"...We'll be back after this quick commercial break." Said Godfrey before turning a hateful gaze in my direction.

"What. Do. You. Know."

"Oh Godfrey you Ignorant Slut, I know many things. I know that not all bats are blind, but moles almost always are. I know you're a militant far right conservative so there is a roughly 50/50 chance you're a secret transvestite from transsexual Transylvania and you're probably wearing womens lingerie under that suit. Ummm... Oh, and you invited a known troll onto your show and expected me to take it seriously. No offense G-Dude, but you're no Lois Lane."

"Oh bravo, truly a well done gambit to WASTE MY TIME. You must be so proud of yourself cretin."

"I am proud of myself... So how is your Sister Amazing Grace? Who names their Child Amazing Grace anyway?"

"Is that all you've got? Please, you have made a crucial mistake. I now know what you know, well let's just say that you won't be a problem much longer. Trust me insect, you'll be begging for mercy on your knees soon enough."

"Sounds like you and your sister's favorite past time. I'm sure you know ALL about being on your knees Gordon... What does Darkseids dick taste like anyway?"

…

Did I strike a nerve?

...

"KILL THAT BUG!" Screamed the G-Man as he pointed at me.

Well consider that nerve bitch slapped, because G3: The Reckoning looked at me with so much UNYIELDING RAGE that I was pretty sure he just belw a gasket.

"Was it something I sai..." Was as far as I got before Parademon Tackle.

Oh cool, Parademons, that sounds like a fun time. I noticed the doors around the area slam shut as the audience panicked.

"When you finish him, make sure none of the audience leaves this place alive." Said G3 as even more Parademons showed up.

I looked at the snarling bastard on top of me with a smile. Stacey, If this is what you had to deal with, your bubblegum personality is a testament to Extroverts everywhere. Smile on you serotonin junkie, and Godspeed.

"Hello Mr. Parademon, have you heard about the Lord and Savior of Hawaii King KAMEHAMEHA!"

Well... It was a Parademon. Now he's something the cleaning lady will have to dust up.

"I KNEW IT!" Screamed the magnificent voice of BRIAN BLESSED as he leapt out of the running crowds onto the stage like he was Spiderman.

"VILE DOG OF APOKALIPS! FEAR MY WRATH!" Screamed BRIAN BLESSED as he dramatically removed his sunglasses and pointed at Godfrey.

A beam of light emerged from his finger to hit the ceiling above G. Gordon Godfrey, causing it to collapse onto him before he could so much as react.

"Wha..." Said G-To-The-Max as he was crushed under rubble.

"COME CELL, LET US VANQUISH THESE BEASTS!"

Suddenly, and without warning, BRIAN BLESSED was enveloped by bright lights, before he grew a radiant pair of angelic wings... I love it. I saw a Parademon aim his gun... Rifle thingy at a retreating crowd... Well since the scenery is being eaten anyway.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKER!" I screamed as I SURPRISE nut shot'd a Parademon out of a newly made hole in the ceiling.

Interesting note, apparently a nut shot works on them... Good to know.

"You'll hurt someone pointing a gun around like that. Seriously the nerve." I said as I looked to the panicked crowd, i adjusted my tie before blasting a hole in the wall with my gree hand.

"Exit to the left, please leave in a calm and orderly fashion, and thank you for shopping."

For the record that was... The absolute WORST orderly fashion exit I have ever seen. You swear this place was on fire... Oh hey this place is on fire... I looked to the remaining Parademons, who were being PWN'D by BRIAN BLESSED. Needless to say, the Parademons lasted about as long as a gnats nipple.

"ENOUGH!" Came the voice of Tim Curry as G2G: Tokyo Drift emerged from the wreckage. BRIAN BLESSED took a hesitant step back.

"GORDON'S ALIVE!?"

OH MY GOD HE SAID IT! HA!

G. Gor... Evil Tim... Evil-er Tim Curry stood to his full height... And he was JACKED! Almost as swole as Superman... But nowhere near Semi-Perfect Cell levels. Still though, dude did NOT skip leg day.

"You have ruined EVERYTHING I have set out to accomplish, and now, you WILL DIE!"

"COME CELL, LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR! " screamed BRIAN BLESSED as he unfurled his wings and summoned the power of HAM!

"Oh Don't make me Laugh!" Said the Glorious Godfrey as he snapped his fingers.

And we were surrounded by people with guns... Really? What were these guys supposed to do.

"Meet my own PERSONAL army. The Justifiers. They'll be more than happy to lay down their lives for me. Hope you don't have any issues killing humans, because..."

It literally took me sending out an Omni-Directional Ki Blast to send all of the Justifiers hurtling to… through a nearby wall for a convenient knock out and bonus, they're no longer in harm's way. Aren't I awesome.

"... Oh... I was not made aware you can do that."

"Yeah, I'm full of surprises.. By the way, did someone order a LARGE HAM!"

"Wha..."

"CHAAAAAAAAARGE!" Screamed BRIAN BLESSED as he flew into Godfrey with all the fury of... Well of BRIAN BLESSED.

Seeings as I couldn't fault his tactics, seeing as it was working rather well, I decided to watch the madness of BRIAN BLESSED repeatedly slamming G3:The Final Chapter's face into the ground after each spoken word.

"TAKE THIS! AND THIS! AND THAT! AND THIS! SAY HELLO TO YOUR NEW FRIEND THE FLOOR! SAY HELLO AGAIN! AND AGAIN! SAY GOODBYE! OH LOOK! THE FLOOR HAS COME BY FOR A VISIT! OVER! FOR! A! VISIT! SAY HELLO! NOW DO IT AGAIN! I! CAN! DO! THIS! ALL! DAY!"

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Why! Ow! Won't! Ow! You! Ow! STOP! OW! OW!..."

Today was a good day.

Then my clones came in.

"We found evidence! Check it ou... The Hell is going on?" Asked Other Cell... Who was holding a... Is that a Mother Box or a... Father Box? Which was which again?

Glorious Curry of the Georgia Curry's threw BRIAN BLESSED off him as he turned to see Other Cell holding the… Parent Box, he reached out towards the Mother (Father) Box... I think... And said box just kinda... Flew over to him.

...

What is he...Oh cool, he has power armor now. Well that could be a bit troublesome, but I think we can... Oh... He just vaporized my clone companions... Well that is an unexpected... Wait a minute... Is that light above the stage supposed to be on?... Oh... Oh This is gonna be good. Never let opportunity pass you by.

I picked up G3's old Microphone as I telekinetically moved the camera to face us.

"I am Glorious Godfrey of Apokalips, and I have had enough of this. It is time for you BOTH to die..."

Showtime.

"Welcome back to Cell News Network, I'm your host Cell Genome McSplice III. Today we have a LIVE interview with Glorious Gordon Godfrey, Notorious Alien Evildoer from the planet Apokalips, as you can see by his obviously Evil Alien Super Suit... Gordon tell me, why is it that a known alien who pretends to be human has such a hateful boner against other aliens, does this not strike you as hypocritical?" I asked as I shoved the Mic in his face.

He looked to the Mic... Then to the Camera... Then to the giant ON AIR sign above him... Then to me... Then he just kept staring at me and my shit eating grin.

I think I broke him.

"DIEEEEEEEEE!" He screamed when SUDDENLY LASERS EVERYWHERE!

I love regeneration. BRIAN BLESSED summoned an energy shield around him before dramatically flapping his wings, sending a razor hail of feathers that apparently doubled as knives.

" IT WILL TAKE MORE THAN A MERE LIGHT SHOW TO STOP BRIAN BLESSED!"

The flying feathered HAM! Special sliced through the outer armor of Mecha-Gordon who retaliated with EVEN MORE LASERS! BRIAN BLESSED dodged lasers, I repeat he DODGED LASERS as he started punching Mecha-Godfrey in the FACE!

I looked back to the Camera.

"You heard it here first folks. Remember, it's like your boy Cell always tells you, OW! LASERS HURT!"

After I finished regrowing my torso I cleared my throat.

"...Sports at 11." I said as I threw the Mic, pointed two fingers at Godfrey and...

"Special Beam Cannon!"

Never before in history has Armor been quite so ineffective, because Mecha-Gordon had a fist sized hole in his stomach. Granted that was where protection was weakest to account for flexibility, but still. He fell to one knee, clenching at his newly made chest orifice as his suit attempted to make repairs.

He glared at me...

"You Worm, I will..."

"BLESSED SMASH!"

BLESSED SMASH indeed... I didn't know this place had a basement. To clear things up, BRIAN BLESSED just did a two handed gravity punch onto the top of Robo-Tim Curry's head and sent him through the floor... Neat. Incidentally I was absolutely correct. There was nothing left of the building we once occupied. Parts of it that weren't chewed to bits were destroyed by various energy attacks and Ki soul blasts.

"THAT WENT RATHER WELL MY FRIEND!"

"True 'dat" I said as I put my hand up.

BRIAN BLESSED high fived me... My life is complete.

"TO BE HONEST, THIS COULDN'T HAVE TURNED OUT BETTER! EVIDENCE IS ONE THING, BUT I NEVER EXPECTED AN ACTUAL FIGHT TO BREAK OUT! ON LIVE TELEVISION NO LESS!"

"Apparently I said something disagreeable."

"OH I AM AWARE! AND WE WILL HAVE TO DISCUSS WHAT WAS SAID LATER! FOR NOW..." And then the ground exploded. Suddenly Mecha-Godfrey, who was previously the size of a very mad gorilla, was now much MUCH larger.

Incidentally about as large as the building that wasn't here anymore.

"Well... That escalated quickly."

And then I was stepped on.

Now... I don't know exactly what was happening, seeing as a giant foot was obscuring my vision... But I do know what I could hear. It sounded like this.

*_ZAP! PEW PEW PEW!_*

*_MUFFLED HAMMY DIALOGUE!_*

*_BOOM!_*

Oh cool he stepped off me. So I unflattened myself and took stock of the current situation. BRIAN BLESSED was fighting Mecha-Godfrey and looked to be doing not as good as he probably should... Well lets even the playing field shall we. I know just the technique. A Giant fist headed towards BRIAN BLESSED, he had no time to dodge, but he didn't have to... Because a Giant Green foot just kicked Mecha-Tim Curry in his Robo-Nuts.

"SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER!" I said/Screamed at my new height, which was just a head (10 or so feet) taller than Mecha-Gordon.

He looked to me... While holding his Lucky Charms.

"YOU CAN CHANGE SIZE!" Said G-Man in Soprano.

Instead of answering, I slammed my Tail into his Chest. Sending him flat on his ass.

"KAIJU DEATH BATTLE!"

This was gonna be fun on the bun. I roared my best Godzilla roar as I spun on my feet, lifted my tail high, and brought the pain down onto Mecha-Godfrey-Zilla. He attempted to catch it, but was just short as I continuously pummeled him into the ground/basement.

"YOU ARE NOT ALONE MY FRIEND, LET US END THIS MONSTER!" Said BRIAN BLESSED.

We brought down the hammer as I spun back around, grabbed the G-Borg by his metal collar, lifted him up and repeatedly Punched him in his stupid metal face. Razor Feathers fell from the heavens above as BRIAN BLESSED summoned up all his power to FUCK A MECHA UP! Things appeared to be going rather well until Giant Mecha-Gordon Godfrey's suit started to beep. Then a bright flash of light happened and normal sized Gordon stood breathing heavily. I waved a kaiju hand at him.

"Impossible, no one can…Oh..." Said Godfrey as he looked up at the GIANT KAIJU BUGMAN before him.

"I don't want to be on this planet anymore." Said 3G.

"HI THERE LITTLE G! WEATHER'S LOVELY UP HERE!"

...

"I feel like there may have been a few...misunderstandings on both our par…"

"I CAST FIST!"

I subsequently returned to my normal size as I looked at the giant crater Godfrey was now in. BRIAN BLESSED stood over the broken body of G.G.G.

"HUZZAH, WE ARE TRIUMPHANT!" screamed the ever HAMMY BRIAN BLESSED.

Indeed we….

Godfrey got his second wind, and his super fist hit me in my stomach, I flew back as my tail reflexively opened, and a golden Helmet flew out into Godfrey's chest. It knocked the wind out of him a bit, but he caught the Helmet of Fate in his hands and stared at it with a manic grin.

"OH you ignorant FOOL, you carry this around with you. Well now I'd say the tables have turned." He said as he lifted the Helmet over his head.

I managed to catch my breath right as a bright flash of golden light almost blinded me.

I looked up to see Glorious the Godfrey standing tall in his Mother/Father Box armor, and the Golden Helmet of Fate.

"**SUCH POWER,YES WITH THIS AND THE FATHER BOX…**" Ha I knew it was a Father Box. "**... EVEN DARKSEID HIMSELF WOULD TREMBLE BENEATH MY MIGH….**"

And then he passed out as his body floated where it stood. The disembodied voice of Nabu, mixed with Tim Curry spoke.

"Hmmmm, some talent for the mystic arts, but ultimately useless. Powerful no doubt, but hardly a worthy host for my needs… morally bankrupt as well… oh well, Mind Wipe."

…and then Godfrey fell to the ground as the Helmet of Fate hovered back into my arms...

…

Well that was anticlimactic.

Then BRIAN BLESSED raised his fists in triumph.

"VICTORY!" 

* * *

**A/N: **You know… this isn't the First time Glorious Godfrey tried to put on the Helmet of Fate…. It ended the exact same way to, with Godfrey as a brain dead empty shell.


	19. Interlude: Meetings

**Interlude: Meetings**

The League, upon realizing exactly... Whatever the hell happened, Immediately called a meeting that consisted mostly of a long uncomfortable silence and a LOT of Headaches.

G. Gordon Godfrey, while far from the League's favorite person, was an influential individual. The sudden revelation of his true nature had caused chaos among his former supporters. That wasn't even getting into the surge in conspiracy theories and general distrust and unrest they usually caused.

Green Arrow sat with his head cradled in his hands, doing his level best to massage a migraine away.

"How many Times. Are we going to have to hold a meeting about HIM!?"

"I'm with him, this is is getting ridiculous." Said Black Canary.

"Regardless, we have to discuss this as it comes to us." Said Superman.

"Even I have to admit." Said J'onn " That this feels like much the same. How is it one person can get into so much... Everything as Cell?"

"I'm not complaining, to be honest Godfrey is a fearmongering hack of a reporter, whatever Cell did couldn't have happened to a more disgusting individual." Said Hawkwoman.

"How is Godfrey doing anyway?" Asked Hal Jordan.

"Gordon Godfrey is currently in Belle Reve. Chances of him awakening are slim. He's been declared clinically brain dead." Said Batman.

"Oh... I'm not apologizing." Said Hawkwoman again as she crossed her arms.

No one really felt like arguing with her.

"Am I the only one who is amazed that the BRIAN BLESSED. THE BRIAN BLESSED is an actual alien, Who REALLY has wings like PRINCE VULTAN?" Asked Flash excitedly.

...

Everyone stared in his direction... Blankly. He found that it became just a bit uncomfortable in here under their gaze. He cleared his throat.

"Apparently yes." Said Flash bashfully.

"Regardless, an analysis of Godfrey's physiology has revealed very little about these New Gods." Said Batman as a holographic projection showed the unconscious body of Godfrey as several doctors wearing biohazard suits standing around him.

"All methods of detection proved ultimately futile, a biopsy of various tissues revealed no genetic material or genetic analogue. Even the organs found within seemingly serve no real purpose."

"That's impossible!" Exclaimed the other Green Lantern in the room, John Stewart. "What would be the point of even having organs if they do nothing and don't register on any equipment?"

"We don't know. All physical injuries seemed to heal, but no method of regeneration could be found. It is best described as his body just repairing itself without any method of repair found."

"Strange, but hardly the strangest thing we've ever encountered." Said Wonder Woman.

"Well you're not wrong." Said the Flash.

"It gets stranger. After all scientific methods failed to produce any results, a more mystical solution was sought. We had three separate medical wizards look over Godfrey, they claim he is, and I Quote "The Essence of Rhetoric". When asked for further details, they said this Godfrey is not an organism as we understand it, but a walking concept that behaves like a living entity. In Godfrey's case, he embodies or rather IS the manifested concept of rhetoric."

"Wait, then how is he brain dead if he's a concept without working organs?" Asked Hal Jordan.

"Near as our magical experts could tell, these New Gods function much differently than any other life form, by wearing the Helmet, he in essence was very close to becoming the embodiment of another Concept, Order in this case. They theorize that Nabu halted the process after Godfrey cut himself off from the essence of Rhetoric, leaving him a living idea without any idea to actually embody."

"Effectively making him a Null Entity." Said Wonder Woman. Upon seeing several inquisitive stares, she spoke up.

"A Null Entity is what the Gods fear becoming, Null Entities are deities without purpose, and Gods are defined by their purpose. Though rare, the body may remain, but it is a soulless husk. It is what happened to the Norse pantheon following Ragnarok."

"What about the planet Godfrey comes from, Apokalips." Asked The Flash.

"Do we have any information on it? There isn't any information on the Corps. Database." Asked the other Green Lantern John Stewart.

"It's one of those areas Green Lanterns tend to avoid. The guardians don't want to answer any questions, but there are stories of it, nothing much mind you, but the name Darkseid keeps coming up. I don't know who or what Darkseid is, but everyone of my usual contacts outside the Lantern Corps seems very nervous whenever the name is brought up " Said Hal.

"Didn't Cell say Dark Side twice in the interview?" Asked Green Arrow.

"I believe he did. In fact, the way he talked was very odd. It seemed like he was sneaking choice words into his interview. It's possible Cell may know quite a bit about this Apokalips." Said Hawkman.

"So why is it that a bioweapon from another universe is very familiar with an alien world of literal Gods that even the Guardians of the Universe don't like talking about?" Asked Hal Jordan.

"Most likely he gained the information from Mr. Blessed, but we cannot be sure. I doubt he would reveal much information to Cell is he were still loyal to this New Genesis. It is a question that I would like to know myself, but one I doubt he'll ever tell us." Said Batman.

"We could interrogate hi..."

"It wouldn't work. Cell is not an enemy, and if he doesn't want to tell us, he won't." Said Batman... Sternly interrupting Hawkwoman.

"We could try asking him." Said Captain Marvel.

"I can't imagine that would work." Said Green Arrow.

"Hold on, I'll go try.. Said Captain Marvel as he flew out of the meeting room. 

* * *

"So Cell how did you know about Apokalips?"

"Huh? Oh hi Captain Marvel, well BRIAN BLESSED told me a bit more about it before the interview. I also read the underground Extra-galactic News. I saw something called Apokalips and thought it was an alien heavy metal band, turned out to be a shithole planet so excessive in its excessive shittyness that it just won the Universes Most Depressing Planet award, the Universe's Most Polluted Atmosphere Award, and A Lifetime Achievement award for Excellence in Unnecessary Evilness from the Every Villain Is Lemons society. It was such a shithole I just HAD to learn more about it. I came across a lot of names for the top dogs of the planet by politely asking some aliens... Any rumors of me strong arming the information out of them with a cheese grater I convinced them was a Doomsday Device is grossly exaggerated. Regardless the denizens of Shithole Prime have the dumbest names I have EVER heard of in all seven years of my life. Seriously, who names their kids Amazing Grace."

Captain Marvel nodded. That made sense… for Cell at least. While Marvel had never officially met with Cell, he heard the stories.

"How about Godfrey, how did you know he was a spy?"

"I didn't, BRIAN BLESSED did. But Glorious Godfrey was one of the names I heard of from there. Figured G. Gordon Godfrey was an alias of his. I mean... It's not a very good alias so it was kind of obvious. Also another example of a really stupid name. The whole planet is so stupid and evil that I'm actually considering blowing it up for good karma points."

"Neat. Well I'll talk to you later, bye Cell."

"See ya around Cap'n." 

* * *

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WORKED!"

"Can any of that be true?"asked John Stewart.

"Well... This is Cell we're talking about. So there is a 50/50 chance that everything he said is completely true. Look what happened in Salem.. If it is, I'm bringing a cheese grater the next time there's an alien invasion." Said Flash.

"Maybe we should talk to him more. He seems to have a very random and useful assortment of knowledge." Said Superman.

"_I could ask_." Said Red Tornado.

"He does seem to like you more than the rest of us." Said Green Arrow.

"Moving on from that, what other ramifications can we expect? Is this Apokalips likely to strike back?" Asked Superman.

"We cannot say for sure, we know so little of them that - and I can't believe I am saying this - but Cell may be our best shot at understanding who or whatever this Darkseid is." Said Hal Jordan.

Green Arrow groaned. 

* * *

Lex stared blankly at the screen. The channel had ended long ago, but it was clear that Cell... Knew far FAR more than he EVER should. To an absurd degree even, some of the names were of Apokoliptian denizens even Luthor never heard of. How he got so many names of several very influential individuals of that planet was unknown, and more than likely would remain so. Already he had ruined far too many plans for the Lights liking, without Klarion, production with Starro-Tech against magical entities was crippled, but... Was it intentional? How much more did he know?

It did not surprise Lex when the meeting was called, if anything he was surprised it took as long as it did to finally talk about the insect in a serious capacity.

"_How is it possible? He gave NAMES during the interview! He played a New God like a fiddle._" Said L-5.

"_Calm yourself L-5, now is not the time to panic. This Cell what do we know of him?_" Asked L-1.

"Frighteningly little, and everything we do know about him comes from his own mouth." Said Lex.

"_I have watched this Cell very closely mon amies, I dismissed him as nothing, highly entertaining perhaps, but Nothing that would interfere. Now however I feel I was... Mistaken, Oui._" Said who else but L-6.

"_Yes, indeed you have, we all have dismissed him however._" Said L-1.

"_He knows far more than he should. Perhaps he is Obfuscating his madness and foolishness, if so he had us all fooled_." Said L-5

"_That is unimportant and baseless conjecture, whether he is insane or merely behaving as such, the end result is still the same, more importantly can we recover from this?_" Asked L-2.

"One of our Business partners has been outed, and he even named Apokalips on LIVE television. We may have to distance ourselves from the so called New Gods for the time being." Said Lex.

"_Can we not just eliminate Cell? He's done nothing but ruin very careful planning... Several times._." Asked L-4.

"_We... Cannot be sure. Taking stock of his numerous abilities... It might be impossible with our current means. There is footage of him tearing off his own head, multiple times in fact, and it just regrows faster than should be possible. Cell seems to possess regeneration exceeding that of all other individuals with a healing factor by a significant margin. We Cannot even be sure that anything short of a tactical nuke would work_." Said L-2.

"_Would it work, a nuke that is?_" Asked L-1.

"_..._"

"_Your silence speaks volumes_."

"I have spoken to every contract killer and assassin I could. None took the contract on his head, not even the exceptionally insane ones. Cell doesn't just fight back, he toys with anyone and everyone. He is, admittedly very skilled at driving his enemies mad and leading them to make rash decisions and mistakes that he is equally good at capitalizing on to drive them closer to the edge." Lex said Speaking from VERY uncomfortably personal experience.

"_Does he have any weakness?_" Asked L-1.

"Well, he does have siblings."

"_Then we have a target_." Said L-1.

"_Is that wise, we know even less about them beyond them being enhanced to some unknown capacity, some reports indicate this Cell possibly possesses the power to destroy planets, would threatening his family really be a wise move on our part_?" Asked L-5.

"_Hyperbole no doubt_." Said L-4.

"And if it isn't?" Asked Lex.

...

"_Perhaps we should find out_." Said L-1.

"_Are you suggesting we see if he does have the power to destroy whole planets? I very much like the one I live on thank you very much_." Said L-5.

"_Oh, whoever said we have to test it on this planet?_" 

* * *

Genius, absolutely genius. I had long suspected alien life had infiltrated the media to sew chaos and leave us unprepared for an invasion, and yet... One individual undoes their plans with frightening ease. Plays them at their own game, using the very media they hide behind to pull back the curtain. However, does it go deeper? How many have been replaced? Are there more? Spies from this...Apokalips? Perhaps, but an ally is needed. Someone these aliens use to aid in infiltration, but who on earth would betray humanity. Only the Illuminati could be behind this... No, too obvious, everyone knows of the Illuminati. No doubt they have renamed themselves. But to what? Illuminate, verb, to Light up... Light then? Yes this must go deeper, to the very core of the Light. This Light must have a head, a leader... Wait... Light, the first invention mastered by humanity was fire... Fire gives off Light, and it was discovered by primitive humanity... Then this Light Organization must have been started by a Cave Man in prehistory. Yes it all makes sense. How else could they have their hands in so much unless they were always there from the very beginning... Always there? Of course, this Cave Man must be immortal. It's the only way this Savage could be so consistent in his misdeeds... Savage... What do savages do? They destroy and vandalize... Vandalize... Vandal... Of course, how could I not see it before! Vandal Savage must the very Immortal Cave Man who created the Light! But this Cell, he has wounded the Light. It would be wise to keep an eye on him.

Ah, but who is this Cell? Cell... Cells are small lifeforms, trillions make up an animal... Many cells indeed... Many? Cell is many! It can only mean he is a spliced hybrid of many alien species... But what species? None come to mind based on his appearance or abilities... Impossible, I catalogue ever alien species there is... Unless, of course If I don't know the alien species, then they must exist somewhere I have never heard of... But where have I not heard of? If I never heard of it, then logically no one can go there, and the only place I cannot get to is Another Universe... That's it... Cell is from another universe! But how did he get here? Or did he? He must have been built as a weapon why else splice so many powerful creatures if not to make a weapon, but why would he behave like that. Piss poor weapon to be sure... Unless... His mind must have been wiped! Of course, that explains his behavior, the mind that was programmed to be a weapon was wiped. He doesn't act like a weapon, he behaves like a pop culture obsessed nerd with superpowers... But Why?... Of course, whatever brought Cells body to this universe must have needed a new mind to replace the old one that was wiped... But what mind? Someone knowledgeable, someone from another universe... Ah, of course. They would have to have some knowledge of this universe... Another Universe implies Multiverse... Meaning infinite universes, meaning everything that can happen must happen... What if? Could history of one universe bleed through? Can one universes history be another universes fiction? Infinite possibility implies yes... Yes, it all makes sense now... Cell must be a powerful being from another universe that was mind wiped and dragged through the void, picking up the mind of a nerd who is a pop culture obsessed fan of fiction, and one of the stories he enjoys can only be stories corresponds to this universe. It is perhaps even true that he was also a fan of the Weapon version of Cells original universe, and upon ending up here, used his vast powers to eliminate his boredom. So That is who you are Cell, but who are you really, what is your character? What kind of bug person are you? That... is the Question. 

* * *

Meanwhile in the 5th Dimension... A certain all powerful Imp nodded at the bouts of Inspiration that this Faceless Conspiracy Theorist came up with. To any other human, such leaps in "logic" would have appeared to be madness, to a certain 5th Dimensional Imp however...

"Seems Legit."

Hey, if you're right, you're right… irregardless of whatever bat shit bananas method you used to reach your conclusion. 

* * *

"MY CAREER IS SOARING ONCE AGAIN MR. MCSPLICE! I HAVE SEVERAL VERY GENEROUS OFFERS THANKS TO YOU!"

"Good to hear Brian. You aren't going to leave Santa Claus and the Martians Vs. The Forces of Hell are you?"

"WOULDN'T DREAM OF IT MY BOY, I AM A PROFESSIONAL! IN FACT, IF YOU HAVE ANY FEATURES IN THE FUTURE, THAT REQUIRE MY GRANDIOSE TALENTS, CONSIDER ME INTERESTED!"

Sweet. I can already see my next feature... The Ray Harryhausen shared universe. Marvel wasn't a thing here, so no one has really done a shared universe to any meaningful capacity, plus Harryhausen was a legend. Hell yeah I was gonna have Ymir from Venus fight the Beast From 20,000 Fathoms while a temporal displaced Sinbad fights animate skeletons alongside Perseus. Stop Motion is making a comeback bitch.

"So... Being an alien hasn't done anything to your career?"

"NO MORE THAN IT HAS FOR SUPERMAN!"

Fair enough I suppose.

"SO, CARE TO MENTION HOW YOU KNEW SO MANY NAMES FROM APOKALIPS?"

"To be honest Brian, I didn't even know it was a secret. I just asked *_ahem_* threatened with a cheese grater *_ahem_* some aliens after our talk and they sang like a..." I looked to the left... Then to the right... Good no sign of Black Canary. "They sang like a canary."

It's not like I couldn't take Black Canary in a fight, but... Namekian hearing does have some disadvantaged.

"TRULY? THEN OUR ENEMIES MUST HAVE BEEN CARELESS TO LET SUCH INFORMATION SLIP!"

"Loose lips sink ships."

"INDEED MY FRIEND, INDEED! NOW IF YOU SHALL EXCUSE ME, I MUST RETURN TO PLAY FATHER CHRISTMAS! I AM HONORED TO PLAY HIM! I HAVE A LOT OF RESPECT FOR HIM!"

"Wait what?"

"I MET HIM ONCE, WE SPOKE OVER SHARED MEAD, GIN, WHISKEY, AND EGGNOG, I MAY HAVE LET INFORMATION SLIP DURING OUR CONVERSATION AS TO THE NATURE OF THAT VILE TYRANT DARKSEID! UPON LEARNING OF THE FIEND, FATHER CHRISTMAS TOOK IT UPON HIMSELF TO PERSONALLY DELIVER DARKSEID A LUMP OF COAL! SINCE THEN, EVERY YEAR FATHER CHRISTMAS BRAVES THE DEFENSES OF APOKALIPS!"

"Huh… cool."

"INDEED! DARKSEID REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DESERVED THAT LUMP OF COAL!"

"So how did you meet?"

"OH, WE'VE ALWAYS KNOWN OF EACH OTHER! FATHER CHRISTMAS IS ALL THAT REMAINS OF THE OLD GODS THAT FELL TO MAKE WAY FOR THE NEW GODS! I BELIEVE CHRISTOPHER MANAGED TO FIND THE REMAINING ESSENCE OF THE OLD GOD ODIN TO BECOME WHAT HE IS AT PRESENT! REGARDLESS I MUST RETURN TO THE SET! FARE THEE WELL CELL!" 

* * *

**A/N**: That thing about Santa delivering coal to Darkseid personally is canon by the way. Also yes I'm world building in a crack fic where BRIAN BLESSED is Essence of HAM!


	20. Father Box and Death Stars

**Father Box and Death Stars**

Due to the... Unique nature of what I'm meddling with, I figured staying in Mt. Justice would be a bad idea. For one the chances of Batman installing cameras ever 2-3 microns was high... Too high. Lucky me I'm rich and can afford the Presidential Suite of ALL THE HOTELS. Of course I wasn't going in alone.

Now as to why I'm here...

...

So many buttons... And I know for a FACT that pressing any of them would be a very bad idea. Which sucks because I really, really, really, REALLY want to press it.

"Soooo... What is it?" Asked Lapis.

"It looks like a bunch of random tech jammed into a box" Said Lazuli.

"Well... You're not wrong. I stole it from Brain Dead Godfrey. It's a Father Box, a piece of Apokoliptian tech."

"...Just what we needed, an Evil Calculator..." Said Lazuli before she shook her head. "...by the name alone, I know you should probably just destroy it."

"But it's just. So. Cool!"

And it was cool. Pretty sure It was something that broadcasted souls or something. Which made it awesome by default.

"_FATHER BOX ONLINE_!"

"I fixed it." Said Lapis.

...

Precious yes... Also insanely dense sometimes. Wonder where he gets that from... Note to self, check and see for other possible side effects of Perfect Cell-ification.

"_Life forms detected. Cower brief mortals, I am Father Box X-616. Warning, Father Box X-616 is operating at minimum capacity. Greater functions deactivated_."

...

I threw it against the wall.

"_Attempts to damage Father Box X-616 will prove futile._"

Using telekinesis I tossed it to the wall again, because that's just the kind of thing an evil box would say if it actually wasn't futile. Maybe walls were like kryptonite to them.

"_Attempts to damage Father Box X-616 will prove futile_."

Father Box, meet wall.

"_As previously mentioned, Attempts to damage Father Box X-616 will prove futile._"

A likely story, but where is the proof. I'm on to you Father Box, by the way your friend the wall is back. Say hello.

"_... There is a 76.807% chance you will continue to throw Father Box X-616 into the wall. Please do not do this._"

Wall smash... Wall slam... Wall hit... Wall crash... Wall...

"_Father Box X-616 is beginning to regret activation_."

"Yeah, that sounds like what we in the business refer to as your problem. Oh by the way, guess who's coming over today!"

"_Please don't say Wall_."

...

"Ceiling!"

"Ha! Nice!" Said Lapis.

"You two are far to easily amused." Said Lazuli.

"_Father Box X-616 requires further activation_."

"The Box raises a good point..." I said as I threw it again at the wall. "...It does have buttons... Buttons exist to be pushed."

"_Father Box X-616 requests not to be thrown against the wall_." Said Father Box X-616 as he was thrown against the wall again... And again... And again.

"_Father Box X-616 has calculated that there is a 2.65% chance you will activate higher functions._"

I threw him at the wall again... This was fun.

"_Chances decreased to 1.48%_."

"Smart box." Said Lazuli.

...

I'm going to keep doing this until it stops being funny.

"_Father Box X-616 cannot access self deactivation feature. Father Box X-616 requests deactivation._"

"No!"

Might take a while. 

* * *

Note, Luthor prefers Full Grain leather for his couches. Could point to a conspiracy against bovines. Possibly to bring them to extinction to prevent hallucinogenic mushrooms from spreading on cow excrement... No, the eldritch entities that run McDonalds would never allow that... I'll have to mull this over. Much to Think on later.

Ah, Luthors computer, that could be useful, just gotta... Password? Hmmmm...FuckSuperman69... No...Hmmm... SupermanIsABitch69

... Success, oh Luthor you're so predictable. Now then Lex, lets see what secrets you and the Light are hiding. I know you're apart of this, that brand of lightbulb on this desk lamp only confirms it. Halogen, a dummy company for the Light no doubt. Such hubris to leave it out like this... Lets see, Kr? Must be that Superboy character... What else...Oh. Recent entry... Lets see...Project Death Star? Damn, files are encrypted. No matter, I can learn much from the name alone.

Death Star... The name of a super weapon in Star Wars, destroys planets... Why would the Light want to destroy a planet... Unless... They're not the ones going to destroy... The Death Star in Return of the Jedi was incomplete... Incomplete... Incomplete means Imperfect... Of course, Imperfect Cell is a name that pops up from time to time around Cell... So they want to use Cell to destroy a planet... No, rumor has it that he can destroy planets, but Nothing substantial... They must want to test if he can, but how?

...

It can't be earth, the Light want to rule it, not Destroy it... So another planet... But which one? Wait... The Death Star... Of course, it moved... Then they must be planning to move another planet... Perhaps an Exoplanet, the sudden appearance of one would prompt an immediate response... How would you move a planet?

No matter, I'm done here... I still need to go through the trash of this building... Hold on... What is that on the Couch... It's... Straw? Straw is used to fill Scarecrows...

...

So the Scarecrow then. What does he have to do with this? That... Is the Question. 

* * *

"_Father Box X-616 will comply_."

Not boring yet... But still... This could be promising.

"Good... Comply with what now?" I asked.

"_Father Box X-616 was built to spread the influence of Darkseid. Father Box X-616 has determined that not being thrown at a wall is preferable to spreading Darkseid's influence. Reprogramming: Father Box X-616 exists to comply with Administrative User: Cell Genome McSplice III to prevent possible damage to Father Box X-616 that may result from repeatedly hitting the wall_."

Did I just annoy an evil Soul Powered Supercomputer so much that it reprogrammed itself into being my bitch?... I must use these annoying powers only for good... Good entertainment that is... Buuuuuuut.

"How can I be sure you're not lying?"

"_Father Box X-616 was not programmed to lie_."  
That sounded like a lie.

"And how can I be sure that isn't a lie?"

"_... Father Box X-616 calculates we may be here a longer period of time than intended_."

"Now you're getting it."

"_Father Box X-616 has granted Administrative control to Administrative User: Cell Genome McSplice III. Father Box X-616 is uncertain as how to further convince Administrative User: Cell Genome McSplice III._"

...

"Can you make a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster?"

"_Father Box X-616 does not know what a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is_."

"It's an alcoholic drink that after drinking it feels like having your brains smashed in by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick."

"_That is within the capabilities of Father Box X-616_."

"Good enough for me."

I began pressing ALL THE BUTTONS with the reckless abandon of a two year old on crack.

"_Father Box X-616 Fully Operational_."

"Make me a Pan Galactic..."

Particles of matter flowed around me in a complicated dance of... Transmutation I guess. Until...

"Ow! Ow! Ow!..."

So... Three guesses as to what happened... First two don't count... If you didn't get it I had my brains smashed in by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.

"Saw it coming." Said Lazuli.

"Yeah, the wording didn't really leave much doubt did it." Said Lapis.

Smartasses.

So after I regrew my brain, I watched as the Father Box was engulfed in a bright light.

...

"That was stupid even for me wasn't it."

The next thing I knew, a large tunnel of light *_ahem_* Boom Tube *_ahem_* appeared in front of us and somehow we were sucked through.

My last thought was... This Sucks.

...

Pun very much intended. 

* * *

…

…

I awoke on a strange planet with Lapis and Lazuli unconscious next to me. No doubt this was the beginning of a grand adventure where we learn the importance of friendship, family, and unity.

….

….

Or I could just instant transmission us back to where we were. So I just did that instead.

…

"That was not very cash money of you Father Box X-616."

"_Father Box X-616 was unaware Cell Genome McSplice III could do that_."

The Father Box was hovering off the ground in front of me… looking like an evil R2D2. I crossed my arms as I rose a brow…. Well I would have if I had a brow.

"I'm full of surprises…. So give me one reason I shouldn't just blow you up."

"_Father Box X-616 does not wish permanent deactivation_."

"That's nice." I said as I Ki Blasted the little tin can asshole until it once again returned to the same state it was in previously.

I sighed as I picked up the now deactivated Father Box as I used my telekinesis to put Lapis and Lazuli to bed. I tossed the little box up a few times, examining it carefully. Gonna need to figure out what to do with him later… wonder of I can find a programmer to do… something with it.

Oh well.

I pocketed the Father Box as I looked to the sleeping twins with a smile. They really were adorable little murder machines. I'll let them sleep, I got stuff to not do… first stop Mt. Justice. Maybe a certain guitar can METAL a box into compliance. 

* * *

Sooooo Mt. Justice is currently on fire…. Like a whole lot of fire. ALL OF THE FIRE. That's interesting, wonder what that's about… I'll ask Red Tornado.

"Hi Red, so what's going… oh my God…. You got a Sex Change!"

….

"CONGRATULATIONS!" I said as I took her hand and began shaking it firmly.

And now I am on fire…neat.

…

I always knew I was hot, but this is ridiculous…

…

Pun obviously intended.

Oh hey a giant Tsunami of Water… even more neat. I could use the cool down. The wave crashed into me, it really was nice to get a wash from friends. I put my hands in my now soaked pockets as I shook myself like a wet dog… incidentally my new suit was made out of fireproof metamaterials. I'm preemptively preventing further damage to the really expensive suits.

"Refreshing, so Red who's your friend… he looks… Oh… see this is why I hate family reunions."

Soooo yeah, this was a thing now. There was the sexy red fire bot, and… I wanna make a waterproof robot joke since he's also a red robot but I can't think of one. I think their names are Red Inferno and Red… Typhoon…. Torpedo?…One of those.

In lieu of saying something I got reheated again. I only nodded as I crossed my arms.

"Yeah, you two are so not on my level."

"_Surrender now or your friends will die_."

Wait a minute…

"You have Killer Croc, the Trickster, and Red Tornado hostage?"

The two robots just kinda… looked at each other. Before motioning to a cage made of fire… where M'gann and Aqualad were being held…Superboy was stuck in… Super Cement I guess…. As for Kid Flash…. Well…. He was now just a head... A very angry head.

Why does this seem familiar?

"Oh… them."

"Cell? Are you going to…" said Aqualad.

"I've never seen them before in my life."

Aqualad sighed.

"Of course not."

I looked to the head of Wall Man… Floor Man now I guess… he was glaring at me.

"What happened to you?" I asked the newly christened Floor Man.

"I was stuck with Superboy over there…. I vibrated out… so they melted the floor. I got stuck."

"Soooo, why don't you just vibrate out of the floor Floor Man?"

His glare intensified.

"I tried that… I was stuck up to my waist at first. Well… my Vertical technique needs a little work. Say you wouldn't happen to have anything to eat would you? I'm running on empty."

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a snickers bar… well it was a snickers bar. Pretty sure the wrapper fused with the chocolate after that whole fire incident. I threw it at Wally's head.

"Knock yourself out."

…

Did I mention that the candy landed just out of his reach. Cause thats was the best part. He tried reaching out with his tongue. A futile gesture if there ever was one.

"Hey, could push it just a little bit closer?"

…

"No."

I looked to the two robots, who were just kinda… staring at me in what might have been confusion… but I really couldn't tell.

"Sooo… how's the Tin Man? Is the Cowardly Lion still in the closet? Cause it's not like he's fooling anyone."

"_This does not match up with mission parameters_." Said Red… the guy one.

I shrugged, my guess is the robots probably weren't expecting this kind of tactic. If I can annoy a Father Box, I can annoy these two into submission. I mean yeah it technically didn't work, but I try not to sweat the details, besides that was New God tech, so that doesn't count.

If I can save everyone and do so while annoying robots to the pain, well that's another item I can cross off my bucket list… sure I'm immortal, but I'm allowed hobbies. I can do this...

"_Recognized Robin B01_."

Or you know… maybe that can happen instead, because really I wanted more potential hostages. Immediately Red Fem-nado started throwing fire towards the Boy Wonder who flipped out of the way. I would have helped but... I was far more confused about the giant sentient piece of New Genesis tech embedded in the wall to really pay attention. Seriously were walls the bane of New God technology? If that's the case, maybe I should teleport the Wall Man to Apokalips… might do some good.

Still can't shake the feeling this is familiar… but I don't know why.

"_Recognized Artemis B07_."

Artemis stepped on through and immediately had to worry about fire balls, but she had gymnast powers, and avoided them easily enough. She had arrows and would do just fine while Robin had… Bird-erangs? Did Robin have a name for them? Regardless he used them… my mission to stop Red Tornado's Rampaging Ruffian Relations via annoying them seems to have been busted… oh well, there is always next time.

So I have two choices… either I step in and try to help the team, probably destroying whatever character development someone had to go through. Or I do nothing.

…

…

Give me a minute…

I'm thinking…

...

Ow!... Thinking hurts.

…

"Who are we fighting!" Screamed Artemis as she fired arrows at Red Inferno.

"RED INFERNO AND RED ...SOMETHING OR ANOTHER! THEY'RE RED TORNADOS SIBLINGS."

I'm helping!

…

Wait…

I think I know why this seems so familiar.

…

Did I see this episode? I could have sworn I only saw three. I Know I saw the first two episodes, but I also remember seeing the Injustice League episode... Oh right, I caught the tail end of this episode before the Injustice one happened… Oh cool that meant that the Injustice stuff isn't far along… sweet.

…

Wait, Didn't Red Tornado turn evil or something in this episode?

…

Nope!

"SPECIAL BEAM CANNONS." I screamed as I fired twin beams towards each robot, ripping a hole in each of their chest. They fell like a sack of potatoes… robot potatoes. Yes, I can do two of those special beam cannons now. Because I'm just that awesome. Also I-Ching showed me a thing. It's a mystical Ki technique, you've probably never heard of it.

Bonus points the fire cage went away.

"I did a thing. Robots are not a problem."

"Awesome job Cell…" said Kid Flash. "... So you gonna let us out?"

Oh you poor ignorant Wall Man, have you learned nothing?

"See you guys later, I'm gonna drop these two off at S.T.A.R. Labs or something."

Must not let Red Tornado touch evil siblings. I actually like him on a personal level and not just as a fan. Everyone else on the other hand was just too fun not to mess with.

…

Shit, I forgot why I came here. Stupid fucking distractions. 

* * *

Vast tendrils of cellulose and vegetable matter wove under the ground. Growing undetected through earth and soil. Small sprouts becoming a leaf of the blossom now planted across the face of earth. To the untrained eye, these plants would be indistinguishable from dandelions. As they merged with fungal mycelium and the vascular root systems it began to spread further until it covered everywhere that humans were. Artificial modifications caused the plants across the world to excrete a new toxin. It would take time for it to accumulate, but the seeds had been planted, and Operation Death Star had begun. 

* * *

All was proceeding according to the plan. I must admit, to be included in the inner machinations of the Light was pleasant, as well as my present company. A colleague I have nothing but the utmost respect for.

"The root system should be undetected. Your Fear Toxin is spreading across the world now. Slowly perhaps, but it is happening."

"Excellent Miss Ivy." I said as I looked at the seemingly unassuming dandelion that grew at my feet.

"Yellow is such a wonderful color, wouldn't you agree." I asked.

"It is." She agreed.

Every part of this plan had been crafted from the remnants of another, originally intended to draw any possible attention away from the Light, however due to certain... Unpredictable changes it had to be recrafted into something else. A plan as it were, or rather a test. I had learned of this Cell character through various sources, but I never imagined just how much of a thorn in the side he was to that most enigmatic of groups. Now that changed, I was nessesary for the plan, and would lay the foundations for their rule. However Cells capabilities needed to be tested.

L-1, Vandal Savage as it were. Oh I knew who he was, I had long suspected there was something more to the man, he had lived quite the long life. He had learned much in his time. With Apokalips no longer an option, a new group had to replace them... But why work with something when you can control it. Power was needed, an alien power to rival that of Apokalips. However we needed to steal that power, which required unorthodox methods. The plants were merely phase one... Phase two however would come soon enough.

I looked at the ring on my finger, at present it was dead, but in a world such as ours Death can be a temporary condition.

Before I could muse further, the screens came to life.

"_How goes progress L-7?"_ Asked L-1.

"Phase 1 is underway. I predict our target will come soon enough... What of Psimon, is he prepared for his part?"

"_Once the toxin has fully taken hold we will broadcast a psionic frequency towards space sector 1417. He will come, of that I am sure._"

"Excellent, by my calculations it will not be much longer until the fear generated reawakens the asset. You will have an army unlike any other."

"_Then as you were L-7._"

The screen died as I looked back to my ring. One Vandal managed to find so long ago, but could never use. It had been modified somewhat, once it wielded willpower, now however...

_"_In blackest day, in brightest night,  
Beware your fears made into light  
Let those who try to stop what's right,  
Burn like my power... Scarecrow's might!"


	21. Kids say the Damndest Shit

**Kids say the Damndest Shit**

I wrote down the names of every hero I could think of, Justice League, Young Justice, Uncle Sam and the Dead Presidents... Then I wrote in the names of every civilian I like, Lois Lane, Dr. Samuel Harding. Also the Trickster, I wrote down his name to. Basically I wrote down the names of everyone I liked who were good just as they were... Sadly Killer Croc was not written down, I mean I like the guy, but he does eat people.

Once I was done I modded my head and cleared my throat.

"Mr. Mxyzptlk." I said plainly.

"You rang!"

I greeted the Imp with a curt nod. He looked a lot different than the last time I saw him. For one, he was no longer composed of Math Puns. He looked... Well like a skinny dwarf with almost cartoon proportions. His head was too big for his body, but at the same time it seemed proportioned like having it be any smaller would look wrong. He had pointed ears and a balding head barely covered by a bowler hat. He had a nice taste in suits though. Also interesting to note, he only had four fingers on each of his gloved hands.

"Glad you're here Mxy, see I have had an idea bubbling in my mind that I might need a bit of help with."

"I'm all ears." Said the Imp who was now literally a giant ear in a suit... Ok.

I revealed the small 2 by 3 inch composition notebook in my hand.

"I'm carrying around this little notebook with names in it. I was hoping you could both make it indestructible and have a copy yourself."

Mxy rose a brow in confusion as he snapped his fingers. A small identical book appeared above him and fell i to his hands.

"There, this book is just like that one. Words and all, in addition everything you write in yours is mirrored on mine. Nothing short of a true vacuum event will destroy it. So mind telling me what this is about?" Asked Mxy.

"Ever since the Klarion ... Whatever the hell that thing was, when I had beings above God's gaze at me, I had the inkling of an idea that I think might fix a big problem of mine. I don't know if it'll work, but if it does I'm gonna need help to do it on my terms."

Mxy scratched his chin in contemplation.

"There are entities far greater than you paying attention to this world because of that little incident. I don't really see where you're coming from though Cell... Though the fact that you seem to be taking this serious has me... Concerned. Other than names... What is the deal with this book?"

"It's just a list of people who I like just the way they are, you know people that are good in my book."

...

"Was that a pun?"

"Yes... Yes it was."

Mxyzptlk barked out a laugh.

"Alright Cell, I'll let you keep your secrets. I do love surprises anyway. Something tells me this is going to be something special."

And like that Mister Mxyzptlk vanished in a puff of ill logic... Seriously how does Logic even get sick?

Well, no matter. I looked to the sleeping forms of Lapis and Lazuli with a smile. I was doing this for them. They've been through so much already, they deserve a happy ending.

"_Arf_!"

You too Jerry, you to.

It wasn't much longer that Lapis and Lazuli awoke peacefully.

"Rise and shine sleepy heads."

"What happened?" Asked Lapis.

"Something stupid probably." Said Lazuli with a yawn as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

"The Father Box turned out to be a bastard." I said as I took said box out of my pocket, tossing it up and down in my hand.

"I took care of it. I'll have to find a way to reprogram it."

"Oh good, another dumb idea. Things make sense again." Said Lazuli as she stood up off the bed and stretched.

"Damn that is one comfy bed." Said Lapis.

"Well it is in the presidential suite. C'mon, let's go back to the Mountain." 

* * *

I watched as Cell and his siblings left their room. I waited a while longer before I actually moved to the door. It was a simple lock, one easily broken with the simple application of a rock. As soon as I was in, I realized that I really was missing a lot. This was the nicest room I have ever seen in a hotel. No doubt for the comfort of whatever entity parades around in the president's skin after all election results since Kennedy was shot by a time displaced Deadshot. I have proof for that one… none for possible Presidential Skin Puppets, but I know I'm close.

I looked to the trash can, they didn't seem to eat much. A banana peel and some paper towels. I already knew Cell was heavily modified just like bananas, so this was useless… still I am confident that he has no connection to any group, at least not i intentionally… i believe I can trust him…

Wait…

How can I be certain that either Cell or his siblings ate this Banana… damn, need more information first. This could be a trick to lull me into a false sense of security…. I need to find his real trash… but where does Cell live?

…

Wait… these paper Towels are wet… with tiny particles of sand on them… So what is wet and sandy? The beach then… but what beach? Cell was first seen in Gotham, but there are no beaches there, at least none anyone would want to visit, most beaches are old and filled with trash, or as I liked to call it evidence…. Wait… most beaches ARE old… old… Cell is seen with members of the Justice League, their Old Hideout was Mt. Justice, before they abandoned it… there was even a beach in that area… of course, so I must go there, and find Cells real trash. Only then can I fully trust him with what I know.

However, will he trust me… that… is the Question. 

* * *

"Hi Sammy, what has S.T.A.R Labs been up to since the last time I been here?"

Sammy sighed. He really didn't like it when I called him that. He shrugged it off though. After accepting that I wasn't going anywhere, he motioned for me to follow. I put my hands in my pockets as we walked down the halls past the usual Cyberpunk Frankenstein decor into a room full of esoteric chemicals, beakers, glass jars, microscopes, and a central table with green pills on them. Well they weren't on the table, they were in a container that held each one individually.

"Take a look, we call them Regenerator C-Types, though some have taken to calling them 1-Ups."

"I love the name already. I'll take six."

Sammy shook his head before he grabbed a single pill and handed it to me. It was small, about the size of your average cough drop. I turned to him, confusion clear on my face. He sighed again.

"Sorry, forgot who I was talking to. We've isolated how you regenerate so efficiently. Every cell in your body can synthesize a unique Energy Rich molecule that is basically an ATP Analogue that does… something that makes cell division happen in ways that should violate the laws of physics. These pills, when taken revitalize the body, heal wounds, and even bring those who take it to a state of peak physical performance."

…

My God….

….

THESE AMAZING BASTARDS MADE SENZU BEANS.

"Can I… can I have some?"

"I don't think you really need any, were not to human trials yet."

I sighed as I handed the pill back.

"Say, what about that liver thing?"

Sammy smiled and nodded.

"All signs point to a miracle, human trials started already and thus far it's being proclaimed as a medical marvel."

"Neat, Thanks me." I said as I high Fived my own hand… with my clone hands.

"Way to go Cell."

"You know it other Cell."

"Three Cheers for the Cell Squad!" Said Also Cell.

"Yay." Said The Bugman Also Known as Cell as he sat in the corner reading… huh… apparently Twilight.

"Where did you...?" I asked before he sighed.

"M'gann, she was quite insistent."

…

That evil green genius… she's making my clones suffer…. That's MY JOB! I dismissed the Clones as I crossed my arms and leaned against a desk.

"So what about the Wonder Twins."

"You mean the two androids. Well Red Inferno was taken to a facility in Star City while we kept Red Torpedo."

So that's what he was called.

"They won't be a problem will they?"

"We're professionals. Currently no plans to repair them has been brought up, were more focused on getting an in depth look at their functions and abilities."

"And…"

Sammy sighed.

"The payment went through, my bosses said you're now the Majority Stockholder of S.T.A.R. Labs, which makes you my boss now."

"There it is, ah I love getting paid in stocks…. Say it again."

"I am not going to do that."

I shrugged.

"Fair Enough." 

* * *

All things considered, I'm not entirely sure that I didn't have this coming.

"... Then you were like *_pew pew_* and Godfrey was "I'm Strongest there is" and then you turned really big and the Flying guy with the big voice punched him, and then Godfrey punched you and that Helmet came out of you and Godfrey put it on and then he died." Said the happy toddler.

So I have fans now. Sweet.

"That is indeed how I remembered it anonymous child, every word."

"My name is Gerald, and I'm ten."

"Of course it is Anonymous Child." I said as I patted the little guy on the head.

He pouted... It was adorable.

"So Mr. Cell, whatcha gonna do next? Can you fight Batman... No Superman, I betcha you can fight him and win, cause you're a cool gross bug guy and Superman looks kinda like my moms strong muscley friend who comes over when daddy is away on business trips. Hey who would win in a fight between you and that scary guy with the shiny helmet... Doctor Flake or Fart or something like that?"

...

I like this kid, he's on my level.

"Well you see little Billy..."

"Gerald."

"Frank, Dr. Fate happens to be a good friend of mine, you know that's true because only a good friend will take you on a round the world trip through a mountain and several oceans, also went through a bear…. Like literally through it… not much of a bear left after that to be honest with you... What were we talking about again?"

"I don't know what any of that means Mr. Cell."

"It means stop asking questions, and eat your vegetables or something."

"But broccoli is yucky."

I nodded.

"Your argument is valid, very well... Here take this 100$ bill... Buy yourself some candy or something."

"Wow... I'M RICH!" Said Bobby as he ran off waving his money like he wasn't quite sure how to make it rain.

Kids love me.

So I was out on the streets of Gotham. Really, I ran out of things to do. I was recognized several times, but no one seemed to want to come up to me bit Franklin or whatever his name was. I just sorta wandered around, in my experience that was usually a good way to bump into something stupid. It has to happen eventually, I am me aftwr all.

The night started to fall as I made my way through the more speedier areas of Gotham. Apparently Batman was much better at his job than I originally thought, because there were normal people walking around not getting stabbed by one of Gotham's many MANY maniacs. Not to mention that whole Vampire Cult thing… that was still a thing. They're probably not ready to take over the world to make a Live Action version of that Daybreakers movie where Sam Neill was an evil vampire and Willem Dafoe was… Willem Dafoe. I wonder if I can fit Sam Neill and Willem Dafoe in the Harryhausen Shared Movie universe I'm working on. He could be a grizzled old cowboy who ropes the Allosaurus Gwangi in an attempt to kill the Rhedosaurus after the Ymir battle on Venus… Sam Neill can be the resident dinosaur expert because type casting is a thing… Oh! He could be a Vampire Paleontologist. Hell Yeah!

…

I have abnormally long inner thoughts.

"Ow! Stupid fucking car."

…

"What was that?"

It sounded like a kids voice, but he just dropped the F-Bomb like a champ. I rounded the corner and saw… is that the Batmobile?

Wait a minute…. Where are it's tires?...

No…. No fucking way.

Oh Yes… yes Fucking way.

There was a fucking Kid, stealing the tires off the Batmobile right in front of me. He already had 3 off and was on the last one… this was pure…. GOLD!

Only one person comes to mind who that could be, but I had to be sure.

"Jason Todd!"

The kid turned around, saw me, probably wet himself…. And made a run for it…. Oh however will I catch up with this little child… oh gee I don't know, how about instant transmission.

I popped in front of the kid, who ran into my legs and fell back on the ground like he was smacked by the hammer of God… or gravity…. Gravity has hammers right? Or did Halo lie to me?

"Ow! Fuck!"

Oh this was too good.

"So… trying to vandalize Batmans car huh? I did that to, but I painted it pink."

The kid rubbed his head as he looked up at me. Recognition glashed in his eyes.

"Hey, you're that bug asshole… Cell right?"

"Guilty as charged young Jason."

His face morphed into one of suspicious confusion.

"Wait… how do you know my name?"

"Oh that's because I'm magic."

His little eyes narrowed as he stood up and brushed himself off.

"Whatever, I don't care."

"If you say so Jason." I said as I followed after him.

He tried very hard to ignore me, but he was also a kid with anger issues and a lot of other issues… actually Jason Todd was just a basket case waiting to happen. If Batman never took him in, he probably would have become another victim of the Bat Punch.

"Stop following me."

…

"No."

One day people will get me…. Sadly that is not this day.

"Asshole."

I like this kid. He's like a less funny me, just as mature with half the wit.

"Don't actually have one of those. I can never poop... Ever."

Jason just kinda… looked up at me.

"That's disgusting."

"No, that pure concentrated evil that comes from beyond the realm of asses is disgusting. I'm just efficient."

Jason grumbled.

"Funny way of saying you're fucking retarded."

Oh Jason… you adorable little asshole, never change. Speedy wishes he could reach your level of asshole-ish-ness.

"Oh yeah…. Well you smell."

I'm a big boy who uses big boy words.

"Weak!" He said dismissively.

"I know you are but what an I?"

"Still fucking weak."

Oh truly the Presence has blessed me this day. This could be fun. It's like a tiny angry Corgi… only without being quite as adorable or existing to trip bigger people.

"I should probably carry around some soap to clean the fuck out of your mouth, literally. I'll scrub it out of your vocabulary."

"Is this a creep thing? Cause I'm getting creep vibes."

I shook my head.

"No, but you know what kid, I think you're just the sort of person who could use a little guidance…. Wanna learn to shoot fireballs from your hands?"

That… got his attention. Nothing like highly dangerous techniques to get the attention of a tiny problem child whose anger dial is constantly set to "Pissed the Fuck Off".

"Go on." He said as he crossed his arms.

"Here's the deal, you're gonna go back to the Batmobile and steal them tires. If you can do it without getting caught, I'll teach you a bit of Ki manipulation." I said as I formed an orb of Ki in my hands.

He stared at it in awe before shaking his head.

"And if I get caught?"

"Well, there isn't a quota on Robins now is there. Go on little Space Cowboy, you can't lose either way."

His face lit up. Oh yeah, this was going to be good. Really Jason was in desperate need of guidance, I knew I couldn't give it to him… but Batdad could, and maybe I could teach him a trick before that crowbar incident happened. Betcha that would shock the hell out of the Joker. Teach you for ruining my dinner, well now you got a face full of Angry toddler level FUCK YOU Ki.

I knew that no matter what Jason would get caught by Batman, but that also meant that by the time he was Robin, well it was only a matter of time before we meet. I'm sure he would remember me, I'm a hard guy to forget. He'll remember what I said, and If he asks, well… Jason Todd throwing Ki Blasts just seems like a great idea… yep, can't see anything bad happening there… might have to have Jason watch some Bob Ross videos, learn the secrets of mellowing out from the universe's most mellow fellow.

Just in case something stupid happened though, I watched Jason from above, and thankfully enough Batman came not too long after Jason got the last tire off. I smiled, satisfied with the days work. The future looked to be just that much brighter. I took out my note book and wrote Jason Todd in it before pocketing it.

"See you later Space Cowboy." I said with a two finger salute.

I flew off onto the sky, looking at the ground…

….

You know…. I didn't notice this until just now… but there are a lot of Dandelions growing out of cracks in the ground. Allergy season is gonna suck this year. 

* * *

"_Riots following the startling revelation og Glorious Godfrey have reached new heights as a crowd of angry ex-fans destroy…._"

*_click_*

"... _are stumped as citizens in more rural areas began fleeing en masse from their homes seemingly for no disern…"_

*_click_*

"Looks like your toxin is starying to take hold." Said Ivy as she turned off the television.

Small trickles of Fear pulsed through the plants. It was a beautiful sight to behold to be sure. I placed my ring against the root and watched as small tendrils extended towards my ring.

"What are you doing Crane?"

She didn't see it? That was very interesting.

"You can't see it?"

"See what?" Asked Ivy.

"Fear "

She shook her head as she looked to the roots with a soft gaze. She leaned in close before sighing and shaking her head.

"Sorry, I don't see anything. Must be the ring."

"Perhaps, I can see Fear flowing from the roots. It's not quite a Lantern Battery, but it will do for now.

"_Yellow Lantern Ring at 5.64% Charge. Warning structural damage detected, Max Charge reached_."

That will do just fine


	22. When Cell-y Met Question-y

**When Cell-y Met Question-y**

Hmmm...Something was wrong I can feel it. Now call me crazy, but I have a sense for these things. It was subtle, but there was just something ever so slightly off, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

"NO! NO GET AWAY!" Screamed the 117th person today they were seemingly frightened by their own shadows… did a groundhog virus strike when I wasn't looking?

"What's eating them?" Asked Lazuli, disinterested as always.

"No idea, but if I'd guess I'd have to say..."

"SO MANY EYES! WHY DOES IT HAVE SO MANY EYES!"

"... Eyes apparently."

Maybe it was all the screaming... That might be what feels off.

"People are just weird I guess." Said Lapis.

"I sincerely hope you aren't just figuring that out." Said Lazuli as she glared at a dog that was running in abject terror from its own tail.

Welp, this shit is dumb. Not normal dumb either, my 'Comic Book' level dumb senses are tingling. Something really REALLY dumbwas going to happen, and I know that somehow I am going to be dragged into it, well Jokes on you universe, I can be twice as dumb. NO! Thrice as Dumb.

"Maybe they took bad drugs or something. This is why I better not catch you two smoking beer." I said to impart a bit of my wisdom onto the two young impressionable androids.

"Ok, we won't do…. wait smoking beer? How do you…" said Lapis before I interrupted him

"So what's on the agenda today!" I said as I pulled out my phone to bring up my bucket list.

"Let's see...Make Matter Eater Lad eat Mexico with 'all of it' in parenthesis. No too stupid even for me. Shoot loud music lasers at the Music Meister... That sounds more like a Friday thing. Hack the Father Box, I'll get to that later. Glitter the vampire species into oblivion, can't do that I don't know where they are... got the Glitter though... Hmmm, invent time travel to shave an even younger Lex Luthor's head every day since birth and make an army of full sized Lex Luthor tribbles... Lucrative, I'll get on that one tomorrow. Lets see, annoy a robot into submission. Should have crossed that off, Reds siblings should count... Whats next, ah collect ectoplasm from the Gentleman Ghost for science... I don't feel like going to England today.. How about destroy Texas under a sea of cows? Wait... damn, I don't have ebough cows. Nevermind... We can Cure Cancer and tell no one…. I don't remember writing that last one…"

"Well maybe if you didn't smoke beer you'd remember things like this." Said Lazuli.

"OH GOD NOT THE DUCKS! ANYTHING BUT THE DUCKS!"

…

"That guy has a very interesting story involving waterfowl that I am dying to know."

"So should we do something?" Asked Lapis.

…

Hmmm...

"No."

I was about to instant Transmission us back to Mt. Justice…..

Buuuuut….

"LOOK OUT, IT'S DUCKZILLA!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOT THE DUUUUUUCKS!"

"HA! Nice." Said Lapis.

"Thank you." I said as I instant transmissioned us back to the Mountain…. For real this time. Hopefully where things would be calm…

"NO! PLEASE, KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME!" screamed Kid Flash as he ran around in circles running from….

"_Arf!_"

"Hi Jerry." I said with a wave.

No idea what that was about, Jerry just wanted his hugs, but…

"_Cell, Lapis, Lazuli. It is good to see you are unaffected._" said Red Tornado who twister'd his way over to us.

"Una-what now?" I asked.

"Lantern Jordan has determined that a Sinestro Corps. Member is currently on earth, a psionic broadcast of fear was detected by the Martian Manhunter heading into deep space. We believe an invasion may be under way."

"Cool, can we help."

…

What did Lapis just say.

"_Certainly._"

Oh God Fucking Dammit! 

* * *

"He's a Knight of Cerebus."

…

"A what?" Asked Lapis.

Currently, we were waiting in outside of the Mountain as Red Tornado took stock of everyone who wasn't shitting their pants in fear at the moment… thus far, we were limited to Red Tronado who was not here right now but in space, two Green Lanterns who were not here but in space, Martian Manhunter who was not here but in space, and us... Who were not in Space sadly enough, but indeed were here. Apparently Lapis, Lazuli, and I were immune to… whatever stupid Yellow Lantern bullshit that was happening right now. We stayed at the mountain for the explicit instructions of making sure the fear effected Super Kids didn't kill themselves... or demolish the building/mountain. Apparently it was written somewhere in the Justice Leagues revised rule book that any time I help, I am to be as far away from the action as possible. Lapis wore his Jerry Armor as Lazuli leaned against the Mountain. We decided to pass the time by having him ask questions about my brains fiction section.

"A Knight of Cerebus… that's what TV Tropes calls them. They're characters in fiction who are heralded by a sudden downturn in humor. I mean Before King Piccolo showed up, the Big Bads in Dragon Ball were mostly comedic, and even the exceptions weren't especially dangerous."

"Oh… so wait… we come from a comedy series?"

"No, shonen action, but Akira Toriyama started as a gag manga writer with Dr. Slump. So he can be really funny, you should see the DBZ episode where Piccolo and Goku learn to drive… exceptionally poorly, it was the absolute best filler episode ever…. of any series… of all time."

"That doesn't sound biased at all." Said Lazuli.

"It's true sis." I said with a tone that made it clear in no uncertain terms I was willing to fight to prove that point… not Lazuli though, it would probably just be a combo insane/snarky discussion.

Though she merely rolled her eyes and looked up.

"…. Are there any Knights of Cerebus here in this universe?"

"For now, but I dare kne to pop up, cause I'll kick his Muthafuckin teeth in."

"...OH GOD GIANT MONKEYS!" Screamed Superboy as he ran past us screaming and went through the wall Macho Man Randy Savage style.

…

Huh, that looked like fun. Maybe I should go through walls more often, doors are for pussies... That said, I thought he hated monkeys, not that he was afraid of them…. Note to self, get him King Kong for Christmas…. All of them including sequels and remakes… Mighty Joe Young to…. And Congo….ESPECIALLY Congo.

"You think he's alright?" Asked Lapis.

"He'll be fine. So what is your next question about my brains fiction section?"

"Hold on… I'm thinking." Said Lapis.

"Don't hurt yourself." Said Lazuli.

He shot her a glare, before his eyes lit up.

"Ok, this one is a hypothetical… what would happen if you used the Allspark from Transformers on the Death Star?"

"Exactly what you'd think… AND IT WOULD BE AWESOME!" 

* * *

Sneaking into the Mountain was easy, apparently that Superboy character made a convenient hole in the wall. Truly Operation: Death Star was underway. The Fear effects can only be from the Scarecrow, but I took precautions. My Pseudoderm mask has been modified to function as a filter to prevent them from effecting me. Regardless, Cells trash was easy to find, and to my relief I found dust, torn fabric from the coat portion of a three piece suit, Banana peelings, and Twinkie wrappers. That was all the confirmation I needed to say that this Cell character was someone to be trusted. Twinkies were golden sponge cake with a creamy filling. So Cell, what was your creamy filling?

Easy enough to figure out, the dust and torn suit fragments were both negatives in Cells character, and in any other circumstance it would warrant suspicion, dust was dead skin cells and no one good would do that to a three piece suit, but together… two negatives equal a positive, therefore Cell was a positive person… but being positive was not a clue to character, murderers can be cheerful. However Cell was no murder, the Banana peel proved that.

Bananas have potassium… Potassium is a silvery-white metal that is soft enough to be cut with a knife with little force… force is mass times acceleration… acceleration is the rate of change of velocity of an object with respect to time… time is Space… Space is mostly empty… things that are empty cannot do anything… Cell didn't do anything... therefore Cell has nothing to do with the Light.

Now it is time we met. 

* * *

Dear God these screams were getting annoying. Namekian hearing… fuck you.

"I'm blaming you for this." I said pointing at Lapis.

"Me? But why…?"

"Oh can we help Mr. Tornado against the stupid fraidy cat plague caused by Thaal 'My Name is fucking Sinestro, how did you not see this coming'... Sinestro."

He had a very wordy nickname.

"I see you are quite the investigator yourself Cell."

I blinked and saw… the Question? Huh, I guess our Crazy Quota just went up.

"Words can often lead to insight if you think of it the right way." Said the Q man.

"I'm here to warn you of the Light."

…

…

"The Scary Yellow one?"

"No."

…

…

"The Pretty one that distracts me?"

"No."

…

…

"The…."

"The Light is an ancient group started by Vandal Savage to attempt to control the world."

…

"So the Will-y Green one then?"

"No, but I suspect the Light may have their hands in the exploitation of the Guardians on Oa who came to earth to become Leprechauns."

…

…

"Where have you been all my life?"

"Hub City, the only city on Earth to outranked Gotham City in crime statistics."

That was impressive, clearly the Question was doing good work over there.

"So… the Light… whatcha got to tell me about them, other than them being the Legion of Doom for this universe?"

"Legion of Doom… ah, I see meta knowledge, well to answer your question Cell, you are currently the Death Star, and the light is attempting to bring Alderaan here to test out your ability. Rumor has it you can blow up planets, they wish to test it."

...Ok, but why tho?

"I see your min maxed investigative skills are without question Question… but your explaining skills should not be a dump stat because How do you even FUCKING know that?"

The Question told me how he happened across Lex Luthor's computer conveniently sitting on his desk in a room he broke into using a window washing equipment and a forgotten hammer. He also told me his thought processes as to how he came up with his solution with his only clue being the name of the Lights project, and a bit of straw… And it WAS GLORIOUS!"

"I want your brain. I will pay ANY price for it."

"I'm using it."

"That is highly debatable." Said Lazuli as she starred in dumbfounded confusion… ok her face was as blank as ever, but I'm picturing her with dumbfounded confusion.

Because that collection of madness and neuroses was a work of FUCKING art Lazuli you better respect it.

"Hey, crazy question... Was the sky always yellow?" Asked Lapis.

Oh look at that, the sky is Yellow and...

"Better question, was there always a Giant Fuck Off Death Star in the sky? Cause I know I'm not usually paying attention of anything, but don't I think I'm that stupid." I asked.

"You seriously and hilariously thought wrong." Said Lazuli.

"... Of course... Operation: Death Star, there were two Death Stars in the original trilogy... Cell was one, they want to test if you can blow up planets, but the planet they want you to blow up IS the Death Star. How could I not have seen it."

…

"Have I mentioned lately I love how your brain works."

Seriously, and I thought Jason Todd was a treat. This was sooo much better… I removed my indestructible notebook and wrote 'The Question' in it before pocketing it and looking back into the sky.

So… the Death Star is here. Or the Yellow Lantern version of Mogo. Ranx the Sentient City, a literal fucking city that covered the entirety of a literal fucking planet with the power of yellow lantern fear BS and… I think could planet bust. So teah...this was a thing now.

"It isn't alone, there are thousands of Yellow Lanterns in orbit."

Welp…. Time to get my guitar, If I'm gonna do this…. I need tunes. 

* * *

"He's coming." Said Ivy.

"Of course he is, I'll be fine Miss Ivy, I am not alone. You may want to be out of sight however."

Poison Ivy shrugged uncaring of the current situation. Not that it mattered, her part was over, she most likely wouldn't remain. I crossed my arms as I waited for him to arrive, it didn't take long. Yellow constructs tore the ceiling and above me Thaal Sinestro floated above me with his arms crossed, manipulating Fear without a single gesture, he willed it and it happened. His face was the perfect mask of perceived superiority. Good, I wanted him to think I was beneath him... For now.

"Who are you? I had no Sinestro for this sector."

Ah, the Yellow Lanterns refer to their corpsmen as Sinestro's… how vain.

"I am Jonathan Crane, the Scarecrow."

"And you did this... Chaos?"

His tone was one of disapproval, I believe he protests to my methods.

"Indeed I did." I said as I rose my ring covered fist that glowed with Fear.

Sinestro pointed his ring at me, a Yellow light coming from his fist as he seemed to look at me inquisitively. He quickly lowered his fist and fell feet first to the floor, placing his hands behind his back as he walked forward towards me.

"You wield your ring well enough to strike an entire planet with a plague of Fear, but where did you manage to find that ring and how to use it?"

Still he disapproves if his tone is anything to go by. I suppose it is to be expected. Sinestro, according to all I know believes that Fear is the key to peace and order, and to be fair it can be. However it can do so much more. I gazed at my ring as he continued to glare at me.

"I merely happened across it, as for how I learned to use merely took a bit of experimentation, Fear is my forte."

"Quaint, but you wield Fear like a child who found his father's gun... You called me here with that ring, why? Do you wish to become a member of the Sinestro Corps.? Because we exist to bring order, not chaos."

He raised his fist, encasing me in The Yellow Light of Fear. My own ring flickered and died. I was rendered incapable of moving so much as a muscle.

"Those rings are the ultimate weapon, but I am able to shut them down when one tries to use it against me. I don't know where or how you got that ring, but I'll be taking it back now." Said Sinestro as he pulled me towards him. I didn't resist.

He reached out with his hand to remove my ring, which was just the opportunity I needed. With but a small application of Fear I activated my gauntlets, and doused Sinestro in my toxin. It was reflex that made him breathe it in, and in surprise he lost control and dropped me as he choked on the gas that filled his lungs.

"Interesting concoction isn't it. Your first mistake was assuming I used the ring to cause so much Fear." I said as I watched his veins bulge and palms sweat.

He looked up to me in a mask of hate and anger before his eyes turned the color of Fear. He was resisting, but it didn't matter. This moment was all I needed. His shields were almost down, all he needed was a little push before he was ready for the bleeding.

"Your second mistake was assuming this ring was ever one of yours. It wields Fear yes, but that was not always the case. Your kill switch was never built into it."

Fascinating, he hasn't broken quite yet. His shields are fading, but very much intact. Truly a man who understands… but at present he was merely an obstacle. He was still debilitated however, but I just needed to twist the knife just a bit more.

"Your fatal mistake was thinking you could beat me at my own game."

Oh... Is that hate I see in his eyes... How very interesting. No mater, with Fear replaced by hate, his shields fully collapsed.

"Now." I said plainly.

*_BOOM!_*

The bullet passed through Sinestro's skull with ease and the alien fell. I examined the roof, or what remained of it and nodded to the hidden Deadshot.

"My thanks." I said as I walked towards the corpse.

I removed the ring from my finger and dropped it to the floor, before I reached down and grabbed Sinestro's hand, and took his ring for myself. I slipped it on.

"_Jonathan Crane of the planet Earth… you have the Ability to instill great fear. Welcome to the Sinestzzzzz…error…. error... Jonathan Crane of the planet Earth… you have the Ability to instill great fear welcome to the Scarecrow Corps_."

"Look at that, a perfect fit." I said as my appearance shifted to the uniform of a Yellow Lantern, though I still resemble myself, burlap and cloth was replaced by strange woven thread and my gas mask augmented by a metallic substance that pulsed with Yellow Light. I watched as the Fear pulsed more from my clenched fist. Forming into a shimmering Aura.

"Nice ring." Said Deadshot, who had come to stand next to me.

I had to agree with his assessment. The rapturous feeling of Fear was intoxicating, but I would not become drunk off it's powers. I was born to Fear, to feel it, to use it, to live it, and to breathe it. It would not control me, it couldn't, I am Fear.

"Indeed, now then."

I clenched my fist, causing the body of Sinestro to rise while he was swallowed by yellow light.

Then the Screens flickered.

"_L-7, I see that everything proceeded as expected._"

"That it has L-1, that it has. Phase 2 is complete, Phase 3… if the name Scarecrow Corps. is anything to go by, is already underway. The Yellow Light of Fear is now an asset for the Light. "

"_Excellent. As you were L-7._"

I looked to my ring.

"Ring, reveal unto me the total knowledge of the Scarecrow Corps."

"_Request Acknowledged. The history of the Scarecrow Corps. begins with the entity Parallax.._."

Excellent... 

* * *

**A/N**: Betcha you didn't see that Shit coming.


	23. Crisis of infinite Yellow Part 1

**Crisis of infinite Yellow Part 1: Fear of the Dark**

So now we have our own little Crisis on Infinite Earths happening only this time it's on one earth, and with the Fearpocalypse... Note to self, great name for a band... Anyway we have the Fearpocalyse going on, most of the League is busy shitting their collective britches in abject terror over their worst nightmares brought to life, the entire planet is currently being surrounded by the Yellow Lantern Corps. right now who probably came because the one guy Sinestro hates more than anyone else just had his whole planet fucking fear boned, and I still haven't even gotten to the Injustice Episode... So we're all about fucked 12 ways to Sunday, and it isn't even breakfast yet. So what is a bugman to do my hypothetical audience? Well... What do you think.

Actually, I say put a pin in the musical for right now. This is the big Crisis Crossover event after all, and Dammit I want it to be official. So I slung **The Motherfucking Boom-Slayer, Butcher of the Unscented Citrus** around my back and instant transmission'd myself back to S.T.A.R. Labs where several of the mad scientists in training were rocking back and forth in the fetal position sucking their thumbs and crying for mommy.

I looked around the room, saw the Senzu Beans, grabbed about a two dozen or so, and popped back to Mt. Justice where Kid Flash was still running in circles only this time it was for no real reason. I took out a Cell Pill, aimed for where I hoped his screaming mouth would be in about 1.3 microseconds, and flicked it.

About two seconds later Kid Flash slowed down and began breathing hard. He looked around the room in confusion as his breathing settled.

...

"Holy Crap, I feel amazing! What was that?" Asked the mighty Wall Man.

"It was a 1-Up, here." I said as I tossed the bag into his waiting hands.

Kid Flash caught it with ease and stared at it.

"Huh!?"

"One of those and everyone should be fine, there is only a limited ammount so get as many heroes as you can, we got us a Crisis Event in the making happening right now."

Kid Flash blinked.

"Say what now? What did I miss?"

"Basically... The world has just been swallowed in a sea of the Scarecrow's Fear Toxin, meaning there is a high chance that Crane is as Hard as a Diamond right now. The Yellow Lantern Corps. decided to drop by for a visit with their own personal Death Star that happens to be a living cyber planet. Oh, and the only Heroes not affected by this raging fear boner is Red Tornado, the Martian Manhunter, and two Green Lanterns... Give or take. We're a bit outnumbered at the moment so because I'm OP as fuck, I have to go out there and do the Leagues job for them, but I'm guessing you might be fast enough to get to as many MANY Heroes who are currently pooping their panties. So get these pills to them before the fecal matter collides with the turbine."

...

"Ok, that is a lot to take in, just... Whatever, I'll get it done. How many of these pill things you got?"

"Little over two dozen, anyway gotta go, Godspeed Wall Man, Godspeed." I said before I blasted a hole in the wall.

Incidentally my hole was right next to the Hole Superboy made earlier. I walked out of 'my' hole... Because fuck doors.

* * *

After Cell left me with his siblings and the fear affected younger version of the Justice League, I removed my FN F2000 Assault Rifle and began standard weapon specs. The Female android looked at me.

"Where the hell did you get that from?" She asked with a tone best described as Deadpan.

"I prefer Bullpup Weaponry for the benefit they have in concealment." I informed her.

"I don't know what you think I said, but you're so wrong because that doesn't even answer my question."

I turned to her to stare, she blankly stared back with a face of disinterest that just bled from her. Her gnomic, sarcastic, and somewhat bitter attitude would not get to me. I suspect she behaves as such after seeing Eldritch Entities. The Fact that the Android Lapis can fuse with the strange Cell-Dog creature hints that Cell can do the same. Possibly to power up, meaning they had to deal with a greater threat, greater threats require a greater force, the Force from Star Wars is a greater force, and it was also an almost eldritch force, ergo the force that required such power must have been an Eldritch Abomination, which were popularized by H.P. Lovecraft, who lived in Providence, which is the Capital of Rhode Island, and capital is an asset in economics that can enhance ones power to preform economically useful work, and work is hard, there fore the experience must have been hard on her, leaving her as the Sarcastic young girl before me. I would let her remarks slide.

"Maybe he pulled it out of a Continuity Error." Said Cell, responding to his sisters statement.

Good, Cell returned. Hmmm, Continuity Error? More Meta Knowledge, but is such a thing possible? Can one use these errors in the continuity to arm themselves with assault rifles?... I'll have to look into it later. It may be linked with my theorized Plot Hole phenomenon.

"I take it you've finished your task?" I asked.

In response he held out his hand, which had three green pills in them... Green? Cell is Green and these pills are green, plants are also green, ergo Cell is part Plant and these pills are part Cell... But why Pills... What do pills do? Not counting the ones secretly filled with mind controlling substances, they heal. These pills are Green like Cell, and must give one the ability to heal like Cell.

"Regeneration in a pill?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Precisely." Said Cell as he handed one to each of us. One for me and one for each of his siblings.

"If you're in a tight spot these little 1-Up pills will bring you back to speed."

I took the pill and pocketed it. I had many pockets.

"Is a gun really going to help against Lanterns?" Asked Lapis.

The genetically modified Cell-dog coated teenager may have had a point, but I was confident in my logic.

"Yellow Lanterns are fueled by fear, fear is an intense emotion, emotions are apart of brain chemistry, chemistry was used in the manufacturing of bullets, and people fear bullets. Therefore a gun is the perfect weapon against as a Yellow Lantern Ring."

It was at this time a Yellow Lantern landed next to us controlling yellow constructs that resembled human faced bugs. I shot him several times in the head and he fell like a sack of hammers.

"Did you just... Kill that alien?" Asked Cell.

"As of now, all Yellow aliens are currently exempt from the no kill rule during this blatant out and out invasion where the Death Star is using orbital bombardment on a planet full of the fear toxin effected screaming masses and absolutely no one but us able to put up any resistance. They are obviously asking for it.." I informed him to which he smiled.

I looked to the distance to see yellow business suit wearing insect eyed gray aliens welding documents that said 'How to Disprove Conspiracy Theories for Dummies'...this will not stand.

"I will be fine." I assured them as I ran off to literally shoot my worst fears in their yellow, bug eyed, no nose, fuck ugly faces.

* * *

That man had a level of crazy that was just so beautiful that it legit brought a tear of joy to my eye. I saluted to the Questions retreating form.

"Godspeed you fucking madman, and give them hell."

If he was gonna be killing the alien menace... Well so was I.

I held aloft **The Motherfucking Boom-Cleaver, Butcher of the Unscented Citrus** and looked up at a yellow sky. Where the Death Star was raining down a hail of bullets... Or lasers... Or plasma... Or fear... Or I don't fucking know, one of those were hailing at the moment, does it really matter which of the various death projectile it was?... Well, whatever.

"So, we doing this?" Asked Lazuli.

"Hell yeah we are." Said Lapis.

I was just... So proud of both of them right now.

"We're gonna fuck 'em up good. But first..."

I looked to my faithful guitar, and then to Lapis.

"Give Jerry to your sister."

"What, why?" He asked.

"Because of this." I said as I handed over **The Motherfucking Boom-Cleaver, Butcher of the Unscented Citrus**.

He looked at it in wonder.

"You do the honors."

The look on his face... Just precious.

"You mean it?"

I put my hand on his shoulder and nodded.

"You are worthy my Brother. You may use this Most Unholy Axe to play whatever song you deem worthy for our battle."

He smiled, and removed Jerry. Who Enveloped Lazuli.

"Oh Yay, just what I wanted, to be tail vore'd by a bug that thinks it's a dog. Truly dreams come true." Deadpanned Lazuli.

"Well glad I could help you realize your dream." I said seriously as I nodded to Lapis, he nodded back, and shredded like a pro.

Lazuli's hands burned with spiritual power as she shot off into space like she was Ironman who just got fired out of a particularly badass railgun. The resulting light show almost made me too distracted by such... Pretty... Sparkly... Illumination... So pretty! Me wanna smash face into 'da lig...NO!

I focused on the music, and smiled at Lapis's choice. The notes heralded a Great Night in the morning that came from nowhere, while the sky was still yellow, It was now a much darker shade.

Trees twisted into vile revenant beasts that shambled from the foliage before the music became soft.

"Iron Maidens Fear of the Dark... Nice choice bro."

"_I am a man who walks alone_

_And when I'm walking a dark road_

_At night or strolling through the park_."

I adjusted my suit and tie as the power of METAL summoned tree-revenants that caught on fucking fire. The beginning lyric of the song where slow paced and delivered in a soft melody that was calming despite the myriad of insanity going on around me that waited with bated breath for the music to begin Rockin hard.

"_When the light begins to change_

_I sometimes feel a little strange_

_A little anxious when it's dark._

_Fear of the dark_

_Fear of the dark_

_I have a constant fear that something's always near_

_Fear of the dark_

_Fear of the dark_

_I have a phobia that someone's always there..._"

As the lyrics came light was sucked from the Tree-Revenants fire. Flickering orange and yellow flames became an impossible dead black. Yellow Lanterns landed around us, disturbing the dark. One of them, the single most FUCK UGLY bitch I have EVER seen with an eye where her mouth should be and mouths where her eyes should be eye hissed at me.

"Well someone has Hungry Eyes." I said as the revenant trees clashed with nightmares made manifest.

Then the song kicked into overdrive, and I zipped towards Miss Fugly and punched her so hard, she bore into the earth at Mach 10, creating a nice Sonic Boom right before the Lyrics started up again.

Lapis sang, and reality itself danced to the beat as it was rewoven with each of the androids lyrical spellcraft. METAL fingers dragged themselves against the walls of reality and the world became dark as Lapis lost himself to the METAL.

I flew into the sky and began slinging Ki like a monkey with diarrhea slinging not chocolate. Sure, it never worked for Vegeta... But these guys weren't DBZ stupid levels of OP. They were mostly nameless Yellow Lanterns, no plot armor whatsoever. Ranx could wait, I had... Something special for him.

Lapis continued, eyes shut as he and the music became one and the same. Melody bled from his very being as he continued his Aria of Brutality and fear.

The Burning Tree-Revenants took flight upon wings of fire and thorns. Their screeching syncing with each note played.

"Let's Motor."

As Lapis reached the chorus, earth and metal ripped themselves from the ground, disintegrating into Music so Powerful it turned fear against fear itself. He sang, and was found EPIC.

The ground rumbled as black leafless trees covered in thorns and made from the faces of the damned exploded from the ground. A Murder of Crows flapped damned the wings until their flocks grew to create a cloud of feathers and talons the size of the Titanic.

"KAMEHAMEHA!"

The attacks name tore from my throat that momentarily brought light to this world of Darkness and Yellow. It tore into a cloud of buzzing Yellow Insect-spawn and continued to blast the yellow hard light tentacles of some unspeakable Fear-Abomination.

The world was changed, Arms of thorns raised the devil horns as melodic mastery tore the sound barrier down and I'm fairly certain it retroactively obliterated the Top 10 charts to rewrite them in it's own image

"DO A BARREL ROLL!" I screamed as the flying Tree-Revenants avoided conjured Yellow Godzilla Serpents whose roar was pure concentrated Fear, but our METAL was too strong for the slithering beasts as the Black Fires of Hell burned them away.

Lapis sung of universal anxiety, with sing-song passages, theatrical guitar explosions, and picturesque lyrics. All sung with the nervous pace that Fear of the Dark was known for.

Meanwhile I released Death Lasers from each and every one of my fingers and toes as I spun around like a crack fueled bayblade that was on even more crack than ever before. My beams easily sliced through the Lanterns and their Constructs with equal prejudice.

I am become Disco Ball, destroyer of Freaky Alien Genotypes.

Then the chorus sang again, and the Reign of Terror was METAL'D and our Night army began to mosh against them. Death Manticores and clashed against Yellow Fyre Spiderlings whose venom bleeded fear, but the pantheon of the Metal Gods above looked down upon us and decreed that it was worthy of their blessings. The chorus then ended and As we got the longest period of Fear of the Dark before the Lyrics started up again I beheld the chaos.

Leeches were Fucking everywhere. I did the crazyest stunts possible, including the unnecessary decapitation a Yellow Lantern that had three heads stacked on top each other with a Karate Chop whilst simultaneously riding atop a Daemon Bone Pegasus from the deppest Pits of Inferno and screaming my lungs out like the mad bug I was.

Then Lapis made it to the guitar solo, and shit went FUCKING bananas.

A Yellow Lantern managed to summon my greatest fear... Yodeling Vegetables begging to be eaten riding atop an obese Chucky Cheese who bled stale nachos and men in business suits chained to office desks computing Pi for all eternity. It was my worst fears made manifest, but I overcame my fear, and Ki'd my fears in their collective dicks. Castrating the Yellow bastards with my soul lasers.

Lazuli exploded... Sending an ever expanding wall of Ki that pushed the fears away and melted the faces of several aliens including an alien made up entirely of faces and absolutely nothing else. Such was her power that the Ki wall bounced around to skull fuck these bastards into oblivion.

Lapis played like a teenaged android Dave Murry. Lightning shot from his fingers with each strum and he was guarded by a duo of Sphinx Golems who headbanged to the music, shedding pebbles and rocks that nourished the field of METAL vines and ROCKIN' thorns.

Then, as we reached the zenith of Iron Maidens Magnum Opus (In my opinion) we were joined by more fighters. Kid Flash had come through, bringing the Young Justice with him, and they became empowered by METAL!

With some heat off me, it allowed me to bring forth an ability I had long wanted to use. I lifted my hands high, gathering my Ki, and Watched the Madness.

Then the lyrics started up again.

"_Fear of the dark_."

Artemis fired dozens of exploding Skull Arrows at once, no longer even needing to knock an arrow, she pulled back the string, and the arrows were summoned as she became adorned with the armor of a Valkyrie, wings included. Wings that were on fire.

"_Fear of the dark_."

Robin, now wearing a black and red cloak reminiscent of the cloaks of Assassins Creed threw metal enhanced Birderangs that exploded into a Murder of Undead Blood Robins that tore their enemies to shreds.

"_Fear of the dark._"

Aqualad wielded twin whips of boiling water, each one nearly a kilometer long that boiled blood and brought with them only death. His armor was that of a metal shark man with razor scales of megalodon teeth.

"_Fear of the dark._"

Superboy, now wearing the great armor of the War God Mars himself, he tore through them with RAGE and Kryptonian might that tore holes in reality, releasing necro-gremlins that slept between realities to fight against the Yellow Daemon Bat-Imps.

"_Fear of the dark_."

Miss Martian, who was clothed in the dead carcass of a once God of Metal released Psionic Nightmares so potent that I know at least two Yellow Lantern rings exploded in envy. Which was actually really impressive now that I think about it.

"_Fear of the dark._"

Kid Flash ran on his winged heels as he was draped in the silks and garments of the fastest of the Gods, granting him the power to use the Infinite Mass Punch from any distance. Tearing the Yellow Fear reality a-fucking-sunder.

"_Fear of the dark._"

The Question began repeatedly punching a yellow lantern flying vampire looking mother fucker with a pair of brass knuckles that was mystically enhanced and dipped in the blood of an elder dragon that I was later informed by the Question that he acquired from Bigfoot.

"_Fear of the dark_."

A Yellow Cthulhu stepped on the armies of Black Squidlings and Lava Sirens who sang along to the music. However the power of Aqualad created a Punk Rock Godzilla made of radioactive sea water, whose nuclear Mohawk glowed blackish blue as he fired off radioactive lasers of death that tore through Fearthulhu like crap through a goose.

The METAL belted words of witches and folklore, Singing of phobias and more. Lyrical representations of the troubles of a mind in an intense, almost palpable fear, the Fear of the Dark. A most primal fear that was ours to wield, not the Fear Lanterns. Though the fought back admirably, our Metallic might was far too strong.

A giant three story baby face made of Yellow with arms for teeth came at us before Demon Medusa summoned by M'gann who were armed with nail clippers crafted from bone declawed the baby face monsters arm-teeth and somehow turned the Yellow Light infant construct into solid Sulphur.

Shadows danced around us, extending inky black night around us that played tricks for the mind. Then Superboy punched reality.

"Mother Russia sends her regards." Screamed Undead Rasputin, who spoke from one of Superboy's reality hole before the Russian Mystic stepped out further from the Dark of the Night to vomit an army of Fiend Bats that seeks blood of only Yellow Aliens. He disappeared in death smoke.

The final chorus started up again, and as my heart swelled with pride for my brother, I knew we would win. I continued to gather my essence of Ki, to deal a finishing blow.

Kid Flash Infinite Mass Punched a Yellow Spider Deity so hard it exploded into smaller spiders that Ultra-died from the resulting nigh-cosmic shockwave.

The Question shot a lanky flesh beast in its kneecaps and curb stomped its skull into paste.

Artemis fired a volley of Antimatter arrows through the heart of a being of infinite yellow eyes causing it to shed tears of blood that incinerated in a display of yellow fire.

Phobias surrounded us as the elegant Roc's of the darkest nights screeched and sliced fears with ebony talons.

Robin Spin Kicked a kaiju made of yellow knives so hard it flew into the sun, bathing the world in METAL for a brief moment, before he threw what I can only describe as nuclear boomerangs at a giant Yellow Vulture demon who faded from existence before Robin took out his METAL blessed quarterstaff to knock some fucking teeth in.

Artemis fired arrows of an endless night that tore spectral skulls apart beneath a dark miasma of the twilight hours.

Aqualad summoned whips of water that danced death across the battlefield, creating a toxic blood kraken/turtle hybrid whose presence melted bones into calcium goo.

I flung the Spirit Bomb at the masses of Yellow Lanterns, who were soul fucked so hard that it may have gone back in time and caused their past/future therapists to become insanely rich from their therapy bills alone.

Lapis continued to sing with the voice of a biomechanical angel whose heart was pure, and soul was METAL. Then song softened again as we stared at the carnage we caused, even as the beat beasts summoned by our METAL began to fade and the METAL blessings ended. Lapis brought the song to a close with the final lyrics. Before they were spoken, I lifted my arm and pointed at Ranx the Sentient City, before dragging my finger across my throat.

"_When I'm walking a dark road_

_I am a man who walks alone._"

...

"THAT WAS AWESOME!" screamed Kid Flash

* * *

"IS THAT FUCKING CELL!" Screamed Deadshot in _Fear_.

I must admit… I did not see this coming… by my calculations… nearly a quarter of My Corps were just… I'm not quite sure actually. Oh I know they were… dead, but… how? All I heard was an Iron Maiden song and all I saw was… whatever that was.

"Yes it is. Is that an issue Mr. Lawson?" I answered.

…

"Mr. Lawson?..."

...

Where did he go?

…

No matter, plenty of my Corps were above in orbit, fighting what member of the Justice League still remained. I sincerely hope this Cell character hurry up and demonstrates if he can do as he says. I wish to get this over with. I let myself drown in _Fear_… it was exhilarating…

...

I know it's crass of me… but, I cannot help it. All this _Fear_ was just… amazing. I am not going to lie to myself, I am as hard as a diamond right now.


	24. Crisis of Infinite Yellow Part 2

**Crisis of Infinite Yellow Part 2: For want of Suit**

How? Just… Just How? I need a freaking drink. Every damn time that bug does somthing, it is just… so inexplicable that I can't help but wonder if maybe this was a huge joke played on me… I'm Fucking Lex Luthor, and I cannot take this shit anymore!

…

…

"_Everybody saw that right?_" asked L-5.

I… was wondering if maybe an early retirement was a wise move. Maybe buy myself an island turn it into his own personal resort and live the rest of my life in luxury. Maybe build a giant dome around it to keep away everything stupid in the world from getting in.

"Of course we saw it Orm, everyone fucking saw it. I really wish I didn't, but I fucking did." I said.

"_Please L-3, do not use actual names._" said… Fuck it, said Ra's.

"_Where... Where DID he get that guitar?_" asked Queen Bee.

"_I believe it comes from another dimension opened by the old L-7._" said Vandal.

"That's stupid! It's all stupid! Will someone please acknowledge that this is Fucking Stupid."

"_Calm yourself L-3._" said Vandal.

I took a breath.

"_And yes… It is very stupid._"

Good… At least I wasn't the only one. Small miracles and all that.

"_Greetings Friends, I have arrived._" said L-7, the Scarecrow.

"_Congratulations would be in order L-7, with our own Lantern Corps we are much better than before, however by my count you lost many of them._" said L-1

"_Unfortunately, yes. However they can be replaced. This is actually something I wish to bring up, this Cell character is much more powerful than we intentioned. By my estimates, the attack he used, a massive ball of energy, was more than sufficient enough from creating a catastrophic chain reaction that would lead to the destruction of a planet. However, he didn't use it against Ranx. Thought?_"

"Knowing him, it probably wasn't flashy and annoying enough."

"_Not how I would put it, but that could be it. Which brings up another issue, how many abilities of his CAN destroy a planet? It appears he may have more than one._" Said L-1.

"I don't think we have enough planets to spare to wait and see how many various ways he can end a whole planet."

"_This is a level of power that extends into the realm of the ridiculous. And that isn't even his supposed Final Form we were informed of._" said L-4.

"_The same can be said for the rings of the various Lantern Corps. I have been reading from the Book of Parallax, the entirety of the Knowledge of my Corps is written within, I have seared and burned it's contents into my mind. I believe that these rings are far more powerful than we may have originally believed. Perhaps they can rival that of Apokalips, even surpass it should the rings wielder be…. talented in that particular part of the emotional spectrum._"

"_Elaborate L-7__._" said L-1.

_"I cannot be sure, but I wish to go to the world of Qward in the Antimatter Universe where Sinestro was banished after leaving the Green Lanterns. I will rebuild the Corps, only this time they will serve the Lights purpose, from afar. I will learn more of this Spectrum of Emotion, and if possible…. Take it from them all. Currently there are 7 major members of the Light… That is one member for every color… What if each member of the Light controlled another facet of the Emotional Spectrum. Hate, Avarice, Fear, Will, Hope, Compassion, and Love. What happens when all of them unite under a common cause?"_

…

…

"_Color Me interested L-7…. please, do go on._" 

* * *

So after the Fear of the Dark, we took care of most of the Yellow Lanterns that had come down to earth, or at least to Mt. Justice. Currently however we were discussing the Death Star that was above us using Orbital Bombardment to blow up what apparently was random places that were chosen to spread the most fear as opposed to death. Monuments mostly. However as we spoke, our conversation kinda… got sidetracked.

"So we all are in agreement, as Awesome as Fear of the Dark was, Dio's Rainbow in the Dark would have been just as appropriate?" I asked.

"Sounds about right." Said Kid Flash.

"But I would need a Keytar to do Rainbow in the Dark." said Lapis.

"I would have gone with Iron Maidens Run to the Hills." said Robin.

"It's Mount Justice, not Hill Justice." Defended Lapis.

"I'm still a little disappointed we didn't use Enter Sandman." said Artemis.

"That's ridiculous! The only sand here is a beach" I pointed out.

...

"Black Sabbath's Paranoid." said Superboy with a smirk and crossed arms.

…Shit... That's a good point.

"Fear of the Dark is better." said Lapis a tad petulantly.

"Alright, this is going downhill fast..." Said the Question."...Obviously Fear of the Dark was sufficiently appropriate, we can all at least agree on that?"

Everyone nodded, a few a bit reluctantly.

"Good, now then. The Death Star."

"I got that covered." I said raising my hand, causing everyone to look in my direction.

I sensed skepticism there... I'm beginning to think that believe I can't blow up planets.

"I find your lack of faith disturbing."

…

"Can you really blow up planets?" asked M'gann.

"Yes… I don't even need to be Perfect Cell to do it. It's surprisingly easy."

…

…

"He's not wrong." said Lazuli as she crossed her Exoskeleton covered arms.

"I don't know what universe you three come from… but it sounds awful." said Kid Flash.

"I think you mean Awesome." said Lapis throwing up the horns.

"Again, he's not wrong." said Lazuli.

"All three of you are crazy." said Artemis.

"It does make sense. Ki or chi as I have heard it called is the energy of life, life is fleeting, fleeting means it lasts for a very short period of time, time is the continued progress of existence, and planets exist. Ergo Planets are Fleeting. The question then becomes how are they fleeting when they are also old? The answer becomes that they must be capable of being destroyed, which requires force, Chi also known as Qi translates as material energy or life force, therefore it is a force. As such Ki can destroy planets if it is used to do so."

…

"I was wrong, all four of you are crazy." said Artemis.

"Call me what you wish, my logic is flawless." said the Question.

"Yeah, sounds right to me. I can find no flaws at all." I said scholarly.

Before anyone could say anything I turned to Kid Flash.

"Hey you still got those 1-Up pills?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Miss Martian, your Uncle is not under the effects of global Fear Toxin, if you can contact him with your mind phone, we can get those pills to him to hopefully get the Justice League involved and unfuck this situation."

"Oh… Ok." said M'gann as she floated in mid air and closed her eyes.

Her face winced in pain a bit.

"Uncle J'onn is battling aliens. I'm… trying to contact him but…."

Then she smiled and just kinda floated there. I tapped my foot on the ground and crossed my arms before a sound like a flying jet could be heard above and we were soon joined by the Martian Manhunter. He looked… really really tired and was wearing a rebreather looking…. thing.

"Uncle J'onn!" said M'gann happily as she hugged him, he returned the hug.

D'AWWWWWW!

"Hello M'gann. I understand you have something that can help."

…

I sighed before I elbowed Kid Flash in his arm.

"Ow! What was that… oh right."

Kid Flash took out a small bag of the pills, probably only about 14 or so left.

"These stop the fear toxins from doing anything and bonus they heal you to prime."

The Martian Manhunter took the bag and removed one of the pills and examined it for a moment. He removed his mask and took it. After not even a second his eyes widened and he took a deep breath.

"Amazing!" he said in awe as he looked to the pills. All bruises and scrapes he had were now gone, and he looked ready to kick some ass.

"I'll get these to the rest of the League, but after this is over I would like to know where you got these. They can come in handy for the future. Good luck." said J'onn with a bow before he turned to M'gann.

"You reached me all the way in orbit, your powers are phenomenal my niece. I have faith in you, just do what in your heart you know to be right, and all will work out fine."

M'gann smiled… before it fell.

I'm not… quite sure what was happening… I think they were having a telepathic conversation or something. M'gann seemed… distraught and J'onn seemed, wel at first shocked, but it softened before he hugged his niece. After a moment he rose and looked to everyone else.

"I want you all to know, no matter what happens, you did the right thing." was all he said before he flew up.

What was that abou…. oh … shit.

There are dead aliens around us isn't there. That some of them have killed… Well… that's a thing to deal with. My brain immediately switched itself to guilt free extermination after seeing that fugly bitch with the mouth eyes and eye mouth. I couldn't really see these things as people when a lot of them already look like nightmares. Kinda hard not to have your brain register them as monsters… but that was a purely primal reaction. Fight or Flight kicked in and we picked fight.

Some of the rest of the team seemed to have caught on to what J'onn was talking about and looked much more uncomfortable than before.

"Guys, an alien Fear Invasion is happening, and there is about a bazillion of them, going for the non-lethal option would probably take for however long the lifespan of the nearest star is, so let's just pretend these are soulless monsters, I mean they do literally Fear Fuck planets into submission."

"But that…." said Aqualad before I interrupted him.

"Fear Fucking!"

"That's not...!"

"The Martian Manhunter himself said it was Ok, and he IS an alien. The Alien just said we did the right thing by killing monster aliens, which probably means kid gloves are off in orbit as well. So quit your bitching, pull up your stockings, tighten your thong, stay hydrated, and punch evil yellow aliens in their evil Ugly UGLY faces!"

Aqualad discomfort was replaced by annoyance. Which was good for now. We'll take care of any lingering problems with their brains after the streets stop filling with the emptied bowels of everyone who is being Fear Fucked.

"But what about…" said M'gann... I immediately tuned her out because I just remembered something...

...

Wasn't she a white martian? Oh right…. Shit, I just said punch ugly aliens in their ugly faces. Her insecurities are popping up. Tact… why do you forsake me? I mean come on do we really have time for this. The Fucking Death Star is in Fucking Orbit!

"Evil Alien Invasion! I'll say it again. Evil Alien Invasion. Not just any Evil Alien Invasion either, but Aliens that literally run on Nightmare Fuel, creates Neverending Terror, and conquer planets via _Argumentum ad metum_, or an Appeal to Fear. So you can either sit here soiling yourself, or you get get out there, Face your Fears, and PUNCH THEM IN THEIR SPOOKY FACES UNTIL IT STOPS BEING FUCKING SCARY!"

…

"Where's Robin?"

Everyone looked around and...

"One of these days... I'm gonna nail his feet to the Ground." said Kid Flash.

"See, Robin gets it... I think."

Pretty sure that a stealth goodbye was Bat-family speak for 'Everything is gonna be OK'... Or maybe 'I'm gonna punch bad guys'... I'll have to figure that out later... Maybe ask Batman.

"Found him." Said Artemis who was pointing to Robin using his staff against a Yellow rabid bear.

"Ok, you guys take care of that, I'm gonna go Blow up the Death Star." I said as I flew off into the distance towards Ranx the Sentient City.

As I flew, I did come across several other Yellow Lanterns, who were far too busy making people scream and cry for shits and giggles to pay any attention to me. Ranx was currently destroying a random forest to set it on fire. While that was happening little…. I think the best way to describe these little bastards… Imagine Pacman… but with a bunch of teeth and Rayman style three fingered disembodied hands. They were chewing through cars and buildings causing the pandemonium to the nearby populous.

I found the Yellow Lantern who was creating the evil Pacmen, and to my horror… it wasn't a nameless one, and was rather important. Meaning he might have plot armor. His name was Arkillo, and he was basically the Yellow Lanterns version of the Green Lantern Killowag… Only much more Murder Happy. Arkillo looked stopped making evil Pacmen destroy the city as he turned to stare at me, and he drooled profusely as he snarled/smiled.

"LUNCH!"

Before I could do anything, Evil Killowag straight up FTL Tackled me and the world blurred as a result as we circled it several times per second. I managed to throw myself off him and we landed somewhere... I'm not sure where as I was more than a little dizzy. I rose myself to stand, though I did stumble a bit.

"I claim this land... _FOR SPAIN!_" I said in my discombobulated state before I shook myself and looked around to where we landed... huh...

Apparently we landed in China... A side effect of geting tackled at speeds the Lanterns use to get from Sector to Sector I assume... Either way China was also being Fear Fucked at the moment if the giant twitching rail thin yellow Slender Man looking monsters tearing buildings apart were anything to go by. Arkillo snarled and roared as he used his claws to tear me apart and eat me… a lot…. Like a whole lot. I was being eaten, and growing flesh back faster than he could swallow.

"All I can eat Buffet… YESSSSSS!", screamed Arkillo as I kicked him off me into the sky and jet'd after him to grab one of his external fangs, rip it out of his own jaw, and fucking stab him repeatedly with it, to which he opened his fang filled mouth open to scream at me.

"_HRAARRRRRR!_" he screamed in… Yellow? How did he do that... It looked awesome!

He conjured a yellow blade with an edge of jagged needles and swung it at me. I attempted to avoid it, but the blade extended and tore through my abdomen and I was legless… for about a second before they grew back. Arkillo ate my ex-legs. He then licked his lips... Good to know I taste good… Note to self, do not let Croc find out. As Arkillo licked his lips….wait... I thought his tongue was ripped out by Mongol? Maybe that was just mainstream universe or something…. Whatever. He bent low as his blade disappeared to be replaced by a cancerous yellow flesh hammer that he smacked me with as I was contemplated about the tongue mystery. However I can fly and I just nut shotted the bastard because I'M JUST. THAT. GOOD! HAVE YOU NOT REALIZED THIS YET?

Arkillo held his crotch and groaned in pain. I did not let up. I landed in front of the prone alien, and extended my arm towards him and held my palm an inch away from his face.

"Big Bang Attack!"

The Energy sphere exploded in Arkillo's face, creating a nice flash of bright light and a mushroom cloud. If I wasn't also caught in my own blast it would have been quite awesome. Thankfully I healed from my own charred corpse… and now I was fucking naked.

Damn you suit, you were supposed to be.. Ok I guess Ki isn't fire so you're gonna get off this time, but still… Fuck. I suppose I could go back to the mountain and hurry up and…

_*BOOM!*_

_*BOOM!*_

_*BOOM!*_

Oh Cool! I can tank Orbital Fear Bombardment from the Death Star! Well… mostly tank it. BUT THAT IS WHAT REGENERATION IS FOR! Anyway Ranx was apparently over China right now and was attempting to Fear Fuck the Great Wall of China into oblivion, and that will not stand. How are they supposed to keep out the Huns?

Only one technique could be sufficiently awesome for this battle. Planet Buster vs Planet Buster.

Ranx continued to fire his fear lasers at me en mass, I flew out of the city with the beams following me. At my speeds, it didn't take long for me to make it to a heavily forested area that I could stop at, I stared up at the planet as it unfolded guns, a Hell of a lot of guns. All of them firing upon me from high above the planet. I drew back both hands and screamed as I gathered my Ki. Yellow exploded around me, and I continued to gather my Ki as I healed faster than ever before. As giant yellow insects and horrid monsters crawled from the explosions, I put my palms together, forming a sphere of energy in my hands. Lightning cracked from my fingertips and drug across the landscape, ripping up earth where they passed and electrocuting the Yellow constructs into sparks. I looked up at Ranx. Who had retracted his guns and began charging up a massive orb of yellow light around the central Yellow Lantern corps symbol on his front.

In my mind I could hear piano music as I pointed both palms at Ranx.

"FINAL!"

The lightning cracked in all directions as yellow energy swirled above and discharged.

"FLASH!"

A huge, and I do mean HUGE beam exploded from my hands as lightning swirled around it. The Beams struck, but mine was much MUCH bigger and while there was almost a Beam-O-War, my attack just tore through it and continued to Ranx…. And Through Ranx… and Past Ranx… and it kinda just continued going into space where…. Hopefully it wouldn't hit anything important. As the Final Flash disappeared and looked up at Ranx... Who now resembled an upside down crescent moon, if the moon were a giant Death Star.

I breathed hard as I pointed up at what remained of Ranx.

"Ha! Take that bit…. OH SHIT!"

So whatever it was that held Ranx in orbit… it wasn't working any more, and he started falling towards the planet. I knew this because he was getting bigger. This… could only end very bad… Or so I thought before Ranx was surrounded by Yellow light and was flung back into deep space. I blinked, and looked at the tendril of light that had connected to Ranx, and flew as fast as I could to follow it. I moved past continents and over the ocean as the beam began to retract. I had to kick it into overdrive, but I saw where it came from… and groaned.

"Fucking New Orleans… Of fucking course." I said as I flew.

At least in this case it was in the middle of the swamp instead of the City, so that was… good?

Still wish I had my suit though. I suppose I could go back and….

"_HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!_."

…. Investigate that because that could only be something worth my time.

I looked down at the building, which was missing it's whole roof. In fact, th roof was off to the side and had seemed to have come off in one piece… My guess is Lantern BS was used. So I flew down into the roofless building and I saw Him…. The Scarecrow… And wouldn't you know it… He was a Yellow stood silent as he looked at me.

I… was not star struck. Nope. Not at all.

"OH MY GOD SCARECROW! YOU'RE MY FAVORITE BATMAN VILLAIN! I LOVE YOU! PLEASE SIGN MY SUIT!" I didn't scream at him.

I looked down….

"Oh right…. Shit, I'm naked… PLEASE SIGN MY BUG DOG!"

Scarecrow quirked his head as he lifted his yellow encased fist to hold me in place. I was constricted by a very long nightmare snake that looked like the end result of an Andaconda and a viper fucking each other after the Devil decided… why not. The serpent hissed at me, flicking it's tongue as I looked to Scarecrow.

"Cell right?"

I nodded.

"That's what they call me. Hi, Professor Crane!"

"Good evening child."

Oh good, I think he's getting better.

" I must say, blowing up a planet was… impressive. I wouldn't worry, I took care of what remained. You appear to have missed the center of it. You could have gotten it all. Really should work on that aim."

"Yeah, I was gonna use another technique to get rid of that, but hey, I'm not complaining, since you lead me here. By the way, can I smell your scythe?"

"No."

"Awwwww."

"More importantly… what was that event that annihilated nearly a quarter of my Lanterns?"

…

"I'm sorry but...Your… lanterns?"

I did not like the sound of that at all... It sounded bad... For me, it sounded really bad for me.

"Ah, perhaps you haven't heard. You see Sinestro had so much on his mind, It was only right to generously liberate him of that issue… manually of course. I graciously took over his Corps after that."

…I don't think he's actually getting better any more.

"Oh… you shot his brains out didn't you."

"I shot his brains out, yes." Said Scarecrow before humming.

"Well.. I certainly didn't pull the trigger, but I certainly did break his force field. So… how did you take out a quarter of my lanterns?"

"I METAL'D them to death." I said... before I hummed.

"Well I didn't, my brother did, I let him use my Reality Warping Guitar-Amp Hybrid."

"I see… most interesting my insectoid friend."

Scarecrow walked forward, using a yellow Scythe as a walking stick. He stopped in front of me and waited.

…

And waited.

….

"Umm… so you gonna do anything?"

"Actually, I'm waiting for you to start. I noticed Mr. Lawson ran when he saw you. You put_Fear_into him, I'm waiting for you to do that to me. I want to be….No, I _need_ to be_Afraid__._"

…

"So… before I do that… how is it you talk in yellow?"

Scarecrow said nothing. He just de-summoned his snake monster and dropped me to the ground. By reflex I was about to adjust my suit… before I remembered I didn't have one…. I miss my suit. I sighed as Crane stood up a bit straighter and put his free hand behind his back. I looked off to the side as I thought on what to say. Fingers tapping against my chin. So... he actually wanted me to troll him? This is… very new. I'm not used to this. It's kinda… creepy, but also kinda cool. Whatever the case, it's just not fun if he wants it to happen. Still, he is my favorite Batman villain, so I'm sure I could humor him for now.

…

Oh I know!

"Alright… Oh! Hi, Dr. Crane. Been fucking the fear turkey hard I see."

That works! I think... Could use a little work... I am a bit off my game.

"Dr. Crane isn't here right now, but if you'd like to make an appointment..." he said with a smile.

"Um... Not the... expected reaction... You feel alright Doc?"

Scarecrow quirked his head as his smile widened a bit…. Disturbingly. Then he lifted his wrists to his face and doused himself with his own Fear Toxin... A lot of it to. He took in a long and deliberately slow intake of fear toxin until his wrists stopped spraying out the noxious gas. He lowered his arms and sighed in contentment. That was when his eyes flashed Yellow, and stayed that color. I had the distinct feeling that the lights were on in his head… but no one was home. It was the same gaze I saw when I looked into the eyes of Lex Luthor after we sang Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know" together…. Shut up he sang to! I distinctly remember that part alongside Lex's various death threats…. Oh right I'm dealing with Yellow Lantern Scarecrow right now… I forgot about that.

"How do I Feel? I am _Shaking_."

…

Did the ground just shake? Also that bastard is talking Yellow again. How does he do that. I wanna do that, it looks cool.

"I am… _Trembling_."

…

Did the ground just fucking tremble? Also he was staring at me hard. His shoulders shaking like he was laughing… but be made no sounds as swirling yellow began to tear the remnants of this building apart.

"_I can feel my pupils dilate, my blood pressure increasing as my heartbeat quickens, I am sweating, and my arrectores pilorum is making my hairs stand on end._"

The crazy bastard began chuckling, and this time I could hear it. He was also hyperventilating, which made each exhale of air visible with clouds of Fear Toxin that just seemed to spew from his mouth, simultaneously Yellow crows coalesced from the swirling yellow above. They would fly down from above the roofless building to perch across anywhere they could, at first a dozen, then a hundred, and soon thousands of amber crows perched all around us, staring at me. Which I will admit… was more than a little creepy.

I looked back to Crane, who smiled at me, and through his mask, I saw a mouth of rotten teeth infested with pulsating maggots. His pupils dilated but as they did, their shape changed into the symbol of the Yellow Lanterns… What was this? Fucking Naruto?

"I Feel… _Afraid__!_"

As he spoke the last word , Scarecrow's Murder of Crows all took off at the same time, flying circles around him to become what I dubbed a Crownado. Then a giant cloth covered hand with fingers made of bound twigs and straw emerged from the Crownado and attempted to grab me, but I just leapt back to easily avoid it…. Or so I thought! Cause apparently said arms were like my own, quite stretchy. I flew up as the arm stretched sickeningly towards me before it was joined by another arm, this one with a left hand. The two massive hands reached for me as I flew backwards to avoid them, all while keeping my eyes on the eye of the Crownado, where a shape began to take form.

"_There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile__._"

…

Oh… I guess this is a thing now! Yay.

_"He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile__._"

The knotted gangly fingers retracted as a HUGE ASS HEAD emerged from the Crownado. A maw of jagged fanged yellow teeth attached to a skinless ghastly skull that started at he with a wide smile that promised pain…. Oh joy.

"_He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse__._"

Oh cool it's the Scarebeast… only as a Kaiju! Awsome! It was admittedly, very bad ass. With scythes for claws and needles for teeth. He was adorned and bound by too tight ropes that cut into it's… erm…. straw/skin that also seemed to be infested with creepy crawly bugs and worms. Holes in the outfit revealed gazing eyes and gnashing teeth just beneath the surface. All of it was various shades of Yellow.

"_And they all lived together in a little crooked house__._"

...Oh good, I was hoping for all the Murder of Fear Crows to grow to be the size of a 747. The Scarebeast roared as it started chuckling again.

"_What was it you said again? Ah yes! Now I remember, and you're right!__._"

The Scarebeast roared and the sky turned the colors of fear and filled with nameless abominations of yellow that danced above in the most grotesque ways that the Scarebeast could imagine… Turns out he had a very vivid imagination.

"_I'M GOING TO FUCK THE FEAR TURKEY!_"

…

Note to self… make references AFTER defeating the bad guy, I hate it when they turn them against me. Either way. Looks like I'm gonna have to Kinkshame the Scarebeast.

Then he threw a giant burning swamp mountain at me.


	25. Crisis of Infinite Yellow Part 3

**_Crisis of Infinite Yellow Part 3: Scarebitch_**

I tried catching the flaming swamp mountain that flew at me… I failed because it was a chunk of the bog that was on fire, so when I tried to catch it I sank into the swamp meteor instead, which continued to fall to sink into the swamp... So I flew up, spitting bog out as I looked up to see a thousand arms emerge from the Scarebeasts unnaturally wide open mouth. These arms punched me repeatedly until I fell back to the ground… I sank into the swamp. So I flew up again trying to avoid the Scythe claws of the Scarebeast, before a giant Jumbo Jet sized crow showed up to distract me… I got sliced up, smacked around a bit, and then sank into the swamp…

I am sensing a theme here…. And it's reminding me of Monty Python... So there was at least a silver lining.

I flew out for the last time… hopefully and brushed the muck off me as I actually focused on avoiding the attacks. I noticed swarms of yellow rats that crawled from the muck scurried around, stacking on top of each other. The Pile grew and grew as more rats piled up. I focused back to the Scarebeast, who had sent a colony of bats out of his fucking eyes. The bats swarmed and did a damn good job of obscuring everything beneath their cloud, including the GIANT CROWS, said crows were very good at using their bulk to smack me around. So I was in a state where I couldn't see anything but FUCKING YELLOW… so since I was blind, might as well return the favor.

I flew up and up as fast as I could and spread my fingers as I placed each hand across the side of my face.

"Solar Flare!" I screamed, and the Scarebeast looked away as the bats seemingly disintegrated by the attack… somehow. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. I flew towards the Scarebeast, and as I did I began to activate my Super Giant-Form, which caused me to grow… and grow… and grow, until I was only a bit shorter than the Kaiju Scarebeast itself. Once I reached my Max size, I lashed out with the strongest punch I could manage…. And you know I said IT!

"FALCON PUNCH!" I screamed as I encased my fist in Ki and hit the giant Scarebeast so hard that it actually spun a full turn and fell onto its hands and knees.

Proud of myself, I had forgotten about the swarm of rats, which COVERED THE GODDAMN GROUND AND WERE GNAWING ON MY GIANT LEGS! OW!

At the same time, the giant nameless Yellow abominations above were lashing out with maw and fang covered tentacles that were doing the same thing to my head that the rats were doing to my feet… DOUBLE OW!

I immediately returned to my normal size as the Scarebeast chuckled. It lifted itself off the ground and started shaking in fear… FEAR I WASN'T THE CAUSE OF! FUCK YOUR TOXIN!

"_Did you really think I didn't take your ability to turn giant into account__._"

"Fuck you Scarebitch, This isn't fair… HOW DARE YOU PREVENT THE OBLIGATORY KAIJU DEATH BATTLE!"

"_Tough shit_!" he said as the bastard lifted his arm which actually began to unravel at the seems to lash out with fucking HUNDREDS of the rotten yellow threads that bound the Scarebeast together.

They whipped around in a chaotic display and turned out to be REALLY FUCKING SHARP! Oh great… It's Fucking Razor Wire…. Joy, I was hoping to get cubed today…. So I fell back to the ground as a bunch of meaty cubes and immediately walked off/regenerated that Bullshit off and…. FUCK! I AM BEING EATEN BY YELLOW RATS….. TRIPLE OW! Fuck this. I sent out an omnidirectional Ki blast and incinerated the fucking rodent bastards and glared up at the Scarebeast with an annoyed glare and crossed arms, he flexed it's scythe claws and chuckled/hyperventilated again.

"_What's eating you_?" he said before his chuckling at his own fucking pun kicked into overdrive, causing the nameless yellow abominations in the sky to share in his fucking giggles.

Fuck what I learned earlier, it's reference time.

"I know this is rich coming from me… But your powers are Bullshit!"

"_C'est la vie__._" he said as his legs merged together and slowly began to morph into a giant godzilla snake that waved around like it was on crack. Giant spiders crawled from within the Scarebeasts hood and took off on silk parachutes towards me.

I was starting to feel annoyed.

"Ok this is getting older than a bag of dicks." I said as I pointed my palm at Scarebeast.

"Big Bang Attack!"

This time… I did not Blow myself up, but just about everything in front of me lit up like a Christmas Tree on the Hindenburg. The yellow abominations above faded as I lowered my arm…

Oh shit did I just kill Scarecrow… I didn't actually want to do tha….

_"Ok…. That one…. That one hurt."_

As the dust cleared, I started to see normal Scarecrow standing there, looking mildly disheveled. He was shaking a bit, and his body was still glowing in Yellow light. He was twitching uncontrollably and started to laugh.

"_There it is… Fear, true Fear. Yes, I can feel it growing within me… You scare me Cell. Not the Toxin, not the ring…. Like the Bat… You evoke an emotion in me, the most primal emotion there is. Fear...and I want more."_

He lifted his palm towards me sending what looked like a METRIC FUCK TON of Yellow Pelican Eels after me. Their too long needle teeth glistening as they 'swam' towards me drooling yellow.

_"GIVE ME MORE_!"

"Yikes!" I said as I danced around the Eels who began to circle me and turn into fucking demon sharks.

I punched one of the sharks in the face… nose part and it shattered like it was made of glass. I then was dog… Shark Piled by the hungry bastards and… I sank into the swamp.

I decided to stay there for a moment, before I knew what to do next.

"_Little bug… Please come out to pla_..."

Let's do this.

"LEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY JEEEEEEENKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!" I screamed as obnoxiously as I could as my fist came out from under the Scarecrow, catching him by the chin, and dragging him off to space. We rushed past the cypress, past the clouds, and by the time we stopped, we were floating in space. The Scarecrow looked at me… Still smiling, his yellow shields flashed as he reached out to grab me with conjured yellow talons. I just flew back and let him fall back to the earth, all while following him. He caught himself before he made it past the clouds.

"_MORE_!" he said as his eyes shined even brighter.

Jesus, what is with this guy.

"Seriously! What the Dicking Hell is wrong with you! Get annoyed dammit."

"_Annoyed_?" he asked with a quirked head.

…

…

"How often were you dropped on your head? Cause I'm betting a lot."

" _My grandmother would punish me by soaking me in blood and throwing me into the crow aviary. Did you know crows go crazy at the scent of blood__?"_

"Well I do now thanks for that one."

"_You're Welcome_."

…

...

I threw a fist sized rock at him… it bounced harmlessly off his head… he stared where it landed.

"Yeah, take that bitch."

Scarecrow just shook his head… which I threw the exact same rock at using my telekinesis. Yay for repetition!

"Yeah, eat another one bitch."

Then he chuckled again.

"_You don't get it do you?!"_

"To be fair, I don't think I get anything that's going on right now. I'm pretty sure it's been like that since I got here…. Rock throw!" I said as I brain threw the exact same rock at his head… again, Only this time however, the Scarecrow caught it.

Then he just kept on chuckling. As he crushed the stone into dust.

…

"Hey, that was mine."

"_Don't care. You see Cell, it's the ring. It is being empowered by all the fear on the planet right now, but it works on all fear...__!_" said Crane as his Eyes flashed the absolute brightest shade of Yellow I have ever seen. "".._. It even runs on my own fear, and I am always afraid. I have succeeded in bypassing the limits of the Yellow Light. My fear creates a positive feedback loop, It nourishes the ring, and since this fight started… well… listen for yourself_.!" said Scarecrow as he presented his hand.

"_Yellow Lantern Ring at 1000% Overcharge_."

…

OH FUCK YOU SCARECROW! That is Bullshit and you know it.

…

Wait… I have an idea… amazingly enough.

I smiled.

"Doesn't matter Crane. I'm going to beat you."

"_You will try_." He said as he summoned a Murder of Crows, one of which perched on his Yellow Scythe.

"No, I'm really not." I said as I spun my body and Spin kicked him to the ground, quickly I followed after him, and I dodged the Crows as I sped up to punch the Scarecrow in the face again and again. Each attack made his shield glow brighter, but I was counting on that. When the Scarecrow hit the ground, he exploded yellow tendrils out that twisted into fleshy limbs that twitched around me. I flew up to avoid them as Crane sat up.

His smile widened.

"_MORE_!"

I landed in front of Crane… and sat down, eyes closed as I took deep calming breaths. I meditated in front of him. I closed my eyes so I couldn't see Crane, but I could hear him. I know I was smashed, slashed, bludgeoned, and hit… but I reacted to none of it.

The Attacks stopped.

"_What are you doing Cell? Fight me__._"

I opened one eye to stare at Scarecrow, before closing it again and taking in a deep breath. I think Crane figured out what I was doing if what he was saying was worth anything.

"_No no no no no no NO NO NO NO__!_"

"Would you mind… I'm trying to mediate over here. Can you have your little freak out elsewhere."

Scarecrow growled, and something kept smashing against me, but I healed back each and every time. See that's the thing about Cell. He's OP, in a lot of ways. Sure, Yellow Lantern Scarecrow was as well, but that was because of what he was. He wanted to be afraid, and wanted everyone else to share… I just wanted to win, and I had no pride for anything. Him on the other hand… Well I wasn't playing his little game.

"_Clever Cell, very clever… I concede!"_

I opened my eyes as Scarecrow looked to his ring.

"_Yellow Lantern Ring at 98.9% Charge_."

"_I suppose I can only overcharge when I am utterly terrified… not annoyed...No matter."_

He hovered above me and took a deep breath.

"I know when I am beaten. Always have, a quirk of my upbringing I suppose….Hmmm."

…

Wait is it working?

Holy shit I think it's working.

Then the Scarecrow looked at me, with a gaze of manic glee. He barked a laugh and flew up fast. Shoulder shaking, and body quaking. His mask of patchwork quilt then would tilt. He shot me a glance, then looked to the expanse.

See! I can rhyme to Scarecrow! And I don't need to plagiarize nursery rhymes to do it… so there. I win.

"So our fight is done… Our fight that is." He said as he looked in the distance over to the nearby city.

"However I think I can start up another."

…

Apparently it didn't work, and Scarecrow was about to pitch a fit.

...

Fucking Shit.

Scarecrow was about to fly off towards New Orleans, but I reacted very fast, and my foot connected with his face… and he glowed bright again. Goodie goodie gumdrops! Were back to this old song and dance.

"_That is much better_."

Meter long yellow worms slithered from under his clothing and squirmed around him. I prepared for his attack, but instead, it turned out to be a feint, and he flew off towards New Orleans at breakneck speeds.

"Fucking Dick!"

I followed after him as he brought his own world of pandemonium on the already frightened populous. Summoning Yellow beasts and crawling grotesque insects. All the while staring at me. His eyes widened as he looked to his ring.

"_Yellow Lantern Ring at 1000% Overcharge_."

He chuckled.

"_Let's try this again shall we__."_ He said as his body exploded in Yellow light, and once again I stared up at the Kaiju Scarebeast.

I… was really starting to hate this shit…. Well… time to use the nuclear option…

Wait...

Hold that thought.

"WAIT! TIMEOUT" I screamed as I made a T with my hands.

The Scarebeast…. Actually fucking froze, Oh my God THAT FUCKING WORKED, HA! Anyway, he gave me a quizzical look as I put my hands on my hips.

"I gotta do something… BRB."

"_That isn't how this_..."

I Instant Transmission'd.

"_Goes… WAIT! Where did he go… aw, Sonuvabitch. THAT'S NOT FAIR_.!"

LOL!

Truth be told…. While I was going somewhere… I just teleported far away enough that he couldn't see me, but I could him. I wanted to know how he would react to that. Crane did not disappoint…. With that out of the way, I teleported for real.

I didn't plan on being gone long, just needed to slip into something that would be…. Perfect for this occasion. 

* * *

These things were chumps, I probably didn't even need Jerry Armor to beat them. Their constructs were freaky looking yeah, but so is a spider before you step on it. I blasted them with my own Ki as Lapis was using Cell's guitar like a literal Axe and just decapitated one of the monsters.

"Man there sure are a lot of them." he said.

I just shrugged as I Spin hammer kicked one of them in the teeth, sending him tunneling into the ground. I took a great, and by reflex nearly adjusted my hair, before I remembered that being in Jerry Armor covered that. I was good as bald at the moment. Just what I needed.

"I feel like there really shouldn't be many left. And yet they just keep coming, like Cockroaches. Only somehow much more hideous." I said before caving one of their faces in and blasting another in the groin. Which left nothing but a mostly dead upper body, until I curb stomped it's head.

"C'mon sis, how often do we really get to cut loose like this?"

"You assume I want to. I was perfectly happy being rich and not having to deal with the collective butts of every Yo Mama so Ugly Joke in existence."

"MY MOTHER WAS A SAINT!" Screamed one of them before I moved to fast for his eye to catch and flicked his stupid head off his dumb shoulders with one finger.

"There, now she's not a mom anymore. Now no one can make 'Yo Mama' jokes about her ever again."

"Wow… That was dark." said Lapis.

"Like I care." I said as I blasted another few into dust.

"You seem more snarky than usual sis." said Lapis as he Rocked an Undead Wraith into existence with a single Guitar riff that tore apart one of the Yellow constructs with it's teeth.

"It's the occasion."

"Are you two still talking?" Asked Artemis as se sent out a volley of Black Powder Arrows that shattered a giant Yellow Reptilian beast.

"Oh there you are, I assumed you ran out of arrows and ran off to grab some sticks to reload."

"Well Fuck you to bitch."

"Ohh, so sorry, I don't swing that way. Have you considered the Green One who's always just a barrel full of sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops?"

She Glared at me as she let loose another of her arrows, before flipping when a large wolf like construct landed near her that she started hitting with her bow before grabbing another arrow and jamming it into its eye. The arrow exploded a moment later, and the construct disappeared.

"What was that? Sorry I don't speak Bitch."

"It's a refined language, I'd never expect a peasant like yourself to understand. Nice outfit by the way, love the exposed midriff. Where did you get that outfit anyway, Sluts-R-Us or Thot Mart?" I shot back.

It was so on.

"What's that, I couldn't hear you over all that Bitching."

I love a challenge. 

* * *

Lazuli was in good spirits at least, I was more than happy just using the power of Rock to melt some alien faces. It was fun, Yo! The super hot Arrow girl…. Um…. Artemis, that was her name, yeah she was doing good work as I METAL'D a Behemoth Mammoth into existence to trample under a Yellow Sabretooth-ish Monster.

"Look out!" shouted Robin, who landed next to me in a crouch before tossing his boomerang things at an alien that looked like a Razor toothed Frankenstein.

"Thanks man." I said as I riff'd a lightning bolt to fire at the exposed metal of the boomerangs to incinerate the bastard.

"Don't mention it." he said before running off to deal with another monster thingy.

I liked him, he was nice. 

* * *

My Dragon Blood Soaked brass knuckles proved to be more than sufficient at tearing through these monsters shields. It was worth every exotic mushrooms and berries I traded to the Sasquatch for it. I reached into my pocket to pull out my Bullpup 12-Gauge. It had been blessed by a priest of every denomination I could find and convince/threaten into blessing. I reached into my other pocket to pull out the shells, and armed myself with Dragon's Breath shells. It was more than sufficient to learn that these Invaders were just as susceptible to fire, which confirmed my theory that incendiary rounds were the bane of clothing, even if said clothing was woven out of pure concentrate fear. Asbestos probably would have been a better choice, and would make this much easier for me since the aliens would just poison themselves.

As soon as I ran out of ammo, I tossed the gun to the ground and ran to the nearest alien I saw, I jumped on his back, hooking my arm around his neck, and started pummeling him with my mythical dragons blood enhanced brass knuckles. The fact that this creature somewhat resembles a Tall Grey Alien with teeth made it all the more satisfying to watch as it's brain was reduced into a vague grey ooze somewhat resembling that Mongolian Death Worm carcass I found in Texas that one time. Either way it was supremely satisfying to stick it to those bulbous headed bastards.

*_Punch_!*

"That one was for putting fluoride in the water to make us docile."

Which is why I only drink rain water that has been triple filtered.

*_Punch_!*

"This one is for unlawful abduction and human experimentation."

*_Punch_!*

"That one was for Farmer Henderson's livestock."

"_Punch_!"

"And that one is because I just don't like you."

I stood up, grabbed a napkin from my coat pocket, and cleaned the gore and grey matter from my fists. That was when Cell teleport in front of me. Momentarily I assumed him to be another construct but he was far to green for that.

"Where is Lapis and Lazuli?"

I pointed in their general direction. He may not be a construct, but he could be a malevolent X-Class Changeling that is taking the invasion as an opportunity to take over Cells life. Just to be sure I threw a pinch of salt that I always carry with me in the event of X-Class Channelings, i tossed it at him, and was relieved when his head didn't detach itself from his body and start inflating.

"Thanks." he said as he flew of to his siblings…

I shot another alien in the face. I couldn't be sure if that one was an X-Class Channeling… but considering fragments of its brain and skull is in multiple locations, I don't think it mattered anymore. 

* * *

I appeared before Lapis first, and moved next to him as quickly as I could. He almost squashed me under a giant War Beast of the Seven Moons, but I avoided it. He looked bashful after that.

"Sorry."

"ScarecrowIsAFuckingYellowLanternNeedPerfectCellNowIsThatAlright?"

….

….

"Yea…Noooo….Maybe…. What?" He said… It occurred to me I should probably use the spacebar.

I backhanded a Yellow Millipede with human limbs as I repeated what I said prior.

"Scarecrow is a fucking Yellow Lantern, I need Perfect Cell to fight him. Is that ok with you?"

Lapis shrugged as he tossed me the guitar.

"Let's do this."

I nodded as my tail extended and I absorbed Lapis. I quickly turned to find Lazuli when…..

The Sky above stormed, momentarily blocking the Yellow Lanterns above as I exploded with Ki. The Earth trembled again as the transformation finished. It was quite the rush.

"BUGBOY IS REEADDDY!" I screamed as I blasted off towards Lazuli, who was currently in a Bitch Off with Artemis.

"You know if you're gonna be a smart ass, you have to at least be smart first. Otherwise, you're just an ass. Your insults are weak." Said Artemis as she Fired a volley of electro arrows at the unholy lovechild of a Skaven and the Terminator.

'_**I'mma call it Roborat**_'

Why not Mecha-Master Splinter?

'_**Nope, to late callin' it Roborat.**_"

Well it's dead anyway so…. Sure, Roborat it is.

"Oh you poor girl, you think I'm insulting you. I'm just describing you." said Lazuli as she punched out the heart of a giant monster that was 90% teeth.

"Your descriptions could use a little work. Not nearly bitchy enough." said Artemis as she stated using an arrow like a dagger to eye gouge a crocodile man.

"I was under the impression you couldn't speak bitch, my mistake."

As entertaining as that is, I gotta talk to Lazuli. So I shot on over, slamming through a Yellow Lantern so fast he exploded…. Quite viscerally.

"Oh good… the fish lipped freak is back."

"Hardy Har, listen Scarecrow is pulling some BS Out of his ass and I need some powah to get back in the game."

"...Please tell me you aren't serious."

I pointed to my face.

"Note the serious face."

'**_I still don't know what it looks like. So I guess I couldn't judge._**'

Adorable.

Lazuli sighed as she removed Jerry.

"_Arf_!"

Arf indeed Jerry, Arf indeed.

She handed the little Hug Monster over to me, who looked at me with his cockeyed stare.

"Listen to me Jerry, we're gonna leave you here. Now you see those yellow guys?"

"_Arf_!"

Yes, the Spoopy ones. They hate hugs Jerry."

I have never seen eyes widen quite like that before.

"_ARF_!"

"I know, they're monsters. Show the yellow ones the power of Hugs. HUG THEM ALL!"

"_ARF_!"

I released Jerry, who took off like a rocket to the nearest lantern and…

"Ooof *_wheeze_* Oh Gods... my Lungs."

Well that seemed to work out well. I turned to Lazuli, who had her arms crossed and a resigned look on her face.

"Let's just get this over with.

I nodded, widened my tail, and absorbed her… it hit like a freight train hitting whatever gets in Freight trains way... Deers I think. Then the world shook again, and the tempest above roared to a cracking life that struck the earth below with bolts of godly might.

It was time to Unfuck the Fear Turkey.


	26. Crisis of Infinite Yellow Part 4

**A/N Important!**: So, I accidentally uploaded these in the wrong order. So if you're reading this and this is the first chapter you're reading today, please go to the previous chapter.

**Crisis of Infinite Yellow Part 4: The Perfecting**

As the storm subsided,I looked at my form, one so familiar and yet… Wait… something was different.. I can feel it. Now if I could just figure out what it was without getting distracted by my own radiant glow-y bits...wait...

…

"Am I Super Perfect Cell?"

I had a golden crackling aura of Ki…

…

Holy shit! I'm Super Perfect Cell.

"Now this I can deal with."

I guess that the stronger I am as Imperfect Cell, the stronger I am at my other forms… Saiyan biology is truly a wonderful thing. Every time I get near death I get stronger… how many times do I nearly off myself any given day? I mean… i literally have a closet full of the skulls of my own severed heads.

'_**What?... Why?**_'

Well you see Lazuli, it's for a preemptive skeletons in the closet joke. I like to be prepared for potential LULZ.

"Hello handsome." said Artemis as she whistled.

Ok, first off…Ow! Whistles hurt. Second, No... just No... I am very uncomfortable now.

'**_Your own medicine tastes bitter I take it._**'

Eat me Lazuli.

'_**I'm not you Cell, I prefer salmon glazed with lemon.**_'

'_**Oh, that sounds good right now!**_'

Ignoring that, I looked to Artemis, who was looking at me…

...

Weirdo.

"Please don't do that Artemis."

She shot me a… interested look…. I don't like it.

"Just window shopping, don't mind me."

'_**What mind? With the exception of the Fiction Section, It's mostly empty in here.**_'

'**_HA! Nice._**'

…

I'm going to file all this under the 'repressed' section of my mind.

'_**Oh hey! Look sis, I found the Repressed Section.**_'

God…. Dammit.

"Yeaaaah, I'm gonna go now." I said as I Instant Transmission'd.

So I stood as Scarebitch started doing his best Godzilla Impression on New Orleans, or it would have been if it wasn't for my Telekinetic powers creating a shield around the building, and the people. Everything really was covered under my telekinetic shields that I envisioned in my minds eye.

As Scarebeast stomped on a building… it didn't even move. No crumbling, no shaking. He might as well have been a child trying to stomp a boulder to pieces.

"_What_?"

"Hi there Scarethulhu."

The Scarebeast turned to see me, and quirked his head.

…

"_Cell_?"

"Pleas…. Call me Super Perfecter Cell… Mr. Super Perfecter Cell."

'**_You and grammar have a complicated relationship don't you._**'

Yes. The way eye sea it, grammar is optional.

'_**...How did you use eye and sea, I don't… what?**_'

Ha, I think I broke Lazuli.

'_**Eat a dick Cell.**_'

The Scarebeast's smile widened as he swiped at me with his scythe claws…. I caught the giant school bus sized index finger and it stopped mid-swing. I jerked back and sent the Giant Kaiju Scarebeast over my shoulder into more indestructible buildings. I yawned.

The Scarebeasts Image morphed and shifted like water until the it was once again on its feet. Then it started to laugh.

"_Excellent. I was wondering when you'd show up, love the new look."_

'**_Watch out Artemis, you have competition._**'

CAN WE NOT LAZULI!

"On this old form? Hardly what I would call new. EIther way as you were. I'm just here to watch."

"_Watch_?"

"Yep, every building, vehicle, and person is blanketed by my vast psychic might. You have to get past my psychic shields to do anything… to anyone. Think of it like a lantern ring shielding the city, but you just can't see it. I am an Invisible Lantern now." I said with my arms crossed.

I'm actually surprised I could actually do that… I got the idea from the movie Chronicle, a Found Footage film where three High School Students got Telekinesis… and stuff happened in the movie before shit immediately went downhill from there. I figured applying the logic of how Telekinesis worked in that movie 'i.e. Visualize shit' to my own Telekinesis would work… turns out it does… neat.

'_**You must be so proud of yourself.**_'

'_**Well I am… Way to go bro.**_'

Thank you Lapis, anyway Scarecrow sent serpent-esque tentacles at me. I ignored them as they harmlessly bounced off my body. Fangs bending and breaking without even getting through.

"Oh, lovely breeze wouldn't you say."

…

More nameless Yellow entities crafted from Fear appeared around me. All forms of nightmares and Phobias made manifest swarmed me and the city. Their teeth broke against my mental shields, their claws bounced off human flesh, they futility stomped on vehicles that didn't so much as bend. The Scarebeast dimmed a bit as he tried to swipe at me with his massive claws. They couldn't even budge me. I just stayed floating, staring at the Scarebeast.

"_FIGHT ME, ATTACK ME, PUT THE FEAR OF GOD INTO ME__._"

"Yea… no, I'm not going to do that."

The Scarebeast pointed it's massive closed fist at me as it started glowing a bright…. pretty yellow…. I just wanna smash my face into it.

"_DIE_!."

I was barely singed, but thanks Crane, all the benefits of smashing my face into it without actually doing anything…. I'm like a Zen Moth right now. Alas, it ended and I stood there mostly unharmed.

"Hi there."

…

The Scarebeast looked at me for a moment before… It started to smile.

_"Very well, let's try something else_."

…

Why is the back of my mind twitching?

'**_Um…. Bro…. He's in the Fiction Section._**'

He's in the what now?

"_Let's see… hmmmm… Ah, that will do._."

A blinding flash of light appeared before me before...Oh… You have got to be… FUCKING kidding me.

"_P is for priceless, the look upon your faces_."

…

So… Abridged Cell was here and…

…

"_E is for Extinction all your puny races_."

NOPE!

I shot off towards the Cell construct, who immediately caught my kick.

"_Ohhhh, ruin the song eh, how rude_."

"KAMEHAMEHAAA!" I screamed as I pointed the attack right in his smug face.

I saw the form of …. Errr… Other…. Yellow Perfect Cell collapse and I barked out a laugh. I turned to the Scarebitch.

"That all you…."

"_Suuuuup_!"

Huh?

I looked to the side where the second voice came from and… SO MANY EYES!

"THERE ARE YELLOW EYES EVERYWHERE!"

"_What can I say… I have so many Eyes, Eyes for days_!"

And now Abridged Alucard is here… Joy.

I lashed out with a kick towards Abridged Alucard who fucking shattered… Well… at least they are only just as durable as….

"_Hiiiiiiiiiiiii_"

ABRIDGED POPO! NOOOOOOOOOO!

"BIG BANG ATTACK! FUUUUUCK!"

Yellow Popo exploded.

Thankfully, these things are about as strong as a standard Lantern Construct, normally those are very strong, but I could bench press planets right now. Still… while I wasn't afraid of these guys… It did kinda throw me off my game.

'**_Ce... out ... _**'

Huh? Lazuli, what was that?

"_Your mind has some very…. Useful information_."

…

Oh no!

'_**...snap… it…**_'

"_Secrets I should say_!"

No no no.

"_Poor child, stuck in a body that isn't his, on a world he thought fake_."

I shot towards the Scarebeast, and started to slam my fists against his form which… wait… it wasn't cracking. WHY WASN'T IT CRACKING?

"_Because my child, you aren't strong enough_"

'**_SNAP OUT OF IT!_**'

Wait what was…

I opened my eyes, to see the Scarebeast looming over me and...

'_**CELL!**_'

What Lazuli, where?

'**_FUCK! Don't you DARE do that again! You scared the SHIT out of me._**'

Awwww, Lazuli… you do care.

'**_SHUT UP I DO NOT!_**'

I feel so loved right now… Huh… Love…. That is much further away on the Spectrum than Fear... Lazuli, you used the power of love to save me.

'_**Awww, that's so sweet sis.'**_

'_**Hate you... Hate you both.**_'

'**_Oh, and before I forget, _**_**sorry Cell, I thought you were just doing a thing. You just kinda spaced out.**_'

It's fine Lapis, that bastard Mind Fucked me. I have to know, did he get in the fiction section?

'_**What? No, why would you think that?**_'

I just needed to know how much of that was apart of the mind fuck, he doesn't know the truth, he just made me think he did.

I looked back up to the Giant Scarebeast construct, and Ki Blasted it's face, which he didn't expect. He let go of me and I exited its grip with ease.

"You Clever bastard, you mind fucked me."

"_How did you escape? Tell me. HOW_."

I just smirked as the giant construct started to dim even more than ever before, and in the center, I could see the Scarecrow through the translucent Yellow…. Bingo.

My Clones, Also Cell in this case, who were aiding me in keeping shields up… were they mind fucked to? I don't think that building was destroyed before… No matter, I teleported in the Chest, and put his arms around Crane, grabbing him hard in a huge bear hug. The massive Scarebeast construct fell as Crane wiggled and kicked trying to escape.

"Unhand me." screamed Crane petulantly... Well at least he stopped talking in Yellow.

'_**Does he think that would actually work? Just say Unhand me?**_'

'_**It might, you don't know.**_'

"C'mon guys, let's sing Crane a song."

Soo, Other Cell, the Bugman Currently known as Cell, and I surrounded Also Cell and Crane… and then we started singing.

"_This is the Song that doesn't end_

_yes it goes on and on my friends..._

"

"NO NOT THIS SONG! ANYTHING BUT THIS SONG!"

"_...Some people, started singing it not knowing what it was_

_and they'll continue singing it forever just because…_

"

"I HATE THIS SONG!" screamed Scarecrow... LIKE A BITCH!

"_...This is the Song that doesn't end_

_yes it goes on and on my friends._

_Some people, started singing it not knowing what it was_

_and they'll continue singing it forever just because…_

"

"CEASE THIS NONSENSE! FIGHT ME." Screamed Scarecrow as he summoned a massive beast, like the horrid hybrid of a Hydra and a Millipede. It lashed out at us and the city, but didn't even scratch the paint of the building or our exoskeleton.

"_...This is the Song that doesn't end_

_yes it goes on and on my friends._

_Some people, started singing it not knowing what it was_

_and they'll continue singing it forever just because…_

"

"AHHHHHHH!"

* * *

After finally running out of my last pistol, I stuck to the Brass Knuckles and faired just as well due to its mystical properties. Eventually the Justice League, now cured of the Toxin joined the battle above. Others were throughout various points of Earth by now, as I have deduced when noting that the Yellow in the far horizon started to give way to reveal the Blue Sky once more. The Yellow Ones fell, those that were marginally intelligent retreated into Space and back to their Antimatter planet… Will need to research how it is they do not explode when there… or here assuming they hail from an Antimatter dimension… perhaps there is no Antimatter there, and it is just a word they use… I would have gone with mirror universe myself.

"Is it over." asked the Kid Flash, who could only be the Nephew of the current Flash by my deduction… which would make him Wally West…

…

I go through everyone's trash… Everyone being the operative word.

"It never ends." I said truthfully.

"Well… that was certainly an event." said Robin… or Bruce Wayne's adopted son Dick Grayson of the Flying Graysons.

Seriously why else would Bruce Wayne adopt a Teenage Acrobat if not to have him aid alongside the good fight.

Then the Superman came… Who I was certain could only be the Employee of the Daily Planet Jimmy Olsen…. No wait…. wrong color hair… Clark Kent then.

"Is everyone alright?"

"I am out of ammo." I said.

…

…

"And you are?"

"The Question, I came after discovering the Illuminati, who renamed themselves the Light were using a complicated gambit to bring the Death Star here so that the Death Star could Death Star the Death Star."

"... Okay, so… looks like they are retreating." said Superman, pointedly ignoring me.

I noticed the one named Superboy was staring at Superman… Interesting. Superman looked at Superboy for a moment, before looking away just as fast… Double Interesting.

Soon we were joined by the Rest of the League. Wonder Woman, Flash, the Hawkpeople, the Lanterns of the green variety, ect. When Batman arrived, I pointedly made my way to him and explained the situation.

"Your enemy the Scarecrow has used his toxin in conjunction with a planet covering plant organism made of dandelions to put the world into a state of fear. This attracted the Yellow Lanterns. Scarecrow uses Fear, as do the Yellow Lanterns, therefore Scarecrow is now a Yellow Lantern, in addition, as Sinestro means sinister, I deduce something Sinister has transpired. Ah, but what has transpired, Scarecrows scare crows, crows are birds who in large enough groups are called a Murder, and there is a large group of Yellow Lanterns, ergo Scarecrow Murdered Sinestro and is now the leader of the Sinestro Corps, which most likely he renamed the Scarecrow Corps."

…

…

Batman proceeded to glare at me, before Superman and the Flash joined in.

"Today wasn't making any sense anyway. Why should it start now." said Superman

"You gotta admit that it is... not the craziest thing that happened today" said the Flash.

"That is NOT how deduction works."

"Your skepticism is noted, now I propose using the 1-Up pills to synthesise a cure, and distribute it using the Dandelions."

Batman sighed.

"At least that one makes sense."

* * *

"137th verse, same as the first."

"_This is the Song that doesn't end_

_yes it goes on and on my friends._

_Some people, started singing it not knowing what it was_

_and they'll continue singing it forever just because…_

"

By this point… After Scarecrow tried using the back of his own head to give Also Cell a concussion (A futile effort if there ever was one, might have actually given himself a concussion), and after the Scarecrow had summoned monster after monster to try and pry himself out f Also Cell's bear hug, none of which could get past our mental shields. He just kinda limply hung in Also Cell's grip. We didn't stop singing BTW. Lazuli had long abandoned us for the Fiction Section of my mind once the song got too much for her.

"_...This is the Song that doesn't end_

_yes it goes on and on my friends._

_Some people, started singing it not knowing what it was_

_and they'll continue singing it forever just because…_

"

"_Warning: Yellow Lantern Ring at 4.87% Charge_."

As soon as I heard that, I grabbed Scarecrow by the front of his shirt. His face had gone blank, and he was drooling a bit, like his brain had decided the best course of action was to shut down all non critical function. As the song stopped however, he blinked several times in rapid succession and his gaze returned. He actually looked at me with a hopeful look that maybe… just maybe the fight would start up again….. Instead I grabbed him with my telekinesis, and had him hover before me.

"Have a nice trip." I said as I poked him in the chest with one finger…. The resulting sonic boom sent him over the horizon… and around the planet.

"Three." said Also Cell.

I turned around humming as my clones started humming The Song that Doesn't End.

"Two…." said Other Cell.

I spread wide my arms, and I could see a yellow dot racing towards me.

"One…" said the Bugman Currently known as Cell.

Then Scarecrow slammed into he and I started hugging him.

"Crane you're back, oh how I missed you. How was your round the world trip?"

His yellow glow was a bit brighter than before, but as he struggled to get out of my grasp… Well….

'**_I'm Back… What I miss?_**' Thought-asked Lazuli.

"_...This is the Song that doesn't end_

_yes it goes on and on my friends._

"

'_**I'm out.**_'

'_**Bye sis.**_'

The bright Glow faded, and his brain shut off again, at least that is what I assumed happened after he started drooling again.

"_Some people, started singing it not knowing what it was_

_and they'll continue singing it forever just because…_

"

His head started to spin in a dizzy state… kinda like a Mortal Kombat character when the match ends and Sub-Zero is about to rip your spine out. That could only mean one thing... It was time for the Fatality.

"Oh God it. Just. Doesn't. Stop!" said Crane.

"Love you to Crane."

'_**He's not quite as scary as I expected.**_'

Now now Lapis, this is the Scarecrow. I mean if we count the Arkham video game series, he is, to date, the only villain in any piece of media to succeed in unmasking Batman to the world, and in the comics after realizing how dependent he was on his fear gas, he did start breaking people with words. Which is probably how he 86'd Sinestro. He is still a human though, only with a Spooky ring of BOO!

Crane started twitching as he tried to drown out the song, then his fist gripped and pulsed yellow.

_"In blackest day, in brightest night,_

_beware your fears made into light,_

_let those who try to stop what's right,_

_burn like my power... Scarecrow's might!"_

He did manage to get a bit of power from that… somehow… buuuuut."

"Scarecrow tries with all his might,

To summon fear and win this fight,

But no matter the power you gain,

He will never have a brain."

_**'I'm back, heard someone finally realize they don't have a brain. I'm so proud for you Cell.'**_

'**_HA! Nice._**'

Oh look, Lazuli came back. Hi sis, love you to.

The brighter Yellow light or whatever it was Scarecrow was doing went away. He looked to me in subdued horror… but not the kind he was hoping for. It was more like a dawning realization.

"Never have a... Oh no… no no no… Don't you dare Cell… I'm warning you."

"How about a little fire, Scarecrow… of the lyrical variety."

I smiled, and 'Cell and the Clonez TM ' opened our mouths and took a long intake of air.

"I'M FUCKING WARNING YOU, DO NOT SING THAT SONG, OR SO HELP ME I WILL….."

We so DID sing that song.

"_I could while away the hours_

_Conferrin' with the flowers_

_Consultin' with the rain._

"

"I WAS A PSYCHOLOGY PROFESSOR AT GOTHAM UNIVERSITY!"

"_And my head I'd be a scratchin'_

_While my thoughts are busy hatchin'_

_If I only had a brain..._

"

"I HAVE A DEGREE! I HAVE A BRAIN!"

"Methinks the Scarecrow doth protest too much." I said, preemptively taking it from Lazuli who forced a wave of annoyance at me… worth it.

"STOP MOCKING ME!"

...

...

" No."

We continued singing 'If I Only Had a Brain' from the Wizard of Oz…. Scarecrow just screamed in frustration.

'**_This is fun!_**'

'**_Not for him._**'

Scarecrow started hyperventilating as the song went on. Then he looked down and stopped. He started chuckling again.

"What's so funny chucklefuck?"

'**_Oh! Chucklefuck. I'm gonna remember that one._**' thought-spoke Lapis.

"I just had a thought…." said Crane

"Impressive considering the lack of a brain."

'_**Like you're one to talk.**_'

Crane looked to his ring covered hand, and flexed his fingers. In response, his ring spoke.

"_Yellow Lantern RIng at 3.47% Charge_."

"That should be fine."

"Fine for what?"

'**_You do know he's playing you right._**'

Lazuli say what now?

Instead of answering, the Scarecrow tightened his fist, causing his eyes to glow a blinding yellow. Then his ring talked again.

"_Command Acknowledged. Implanting user with Acrophobia_."

Then he took a deep intake of air… and as his chest sucked in he slipped right out of my grasp and started to fall.

"Shit!" I screamed as he fell.

'**_Told you._**'

I followed after him as he lifted his ring.

"_Yellow Lantern Ring at 1000% Overcharge_."

"FUCK!"

Did this crazy bastard just HACK HIS OWN BRAIN TO GIVE HIMSELF THE FEAR OF HEIGHTS!

'_**I didn't know that he could do that.**_'

**_'I don't think he knew that he could do that… Annoyance can be a hell of a motivator to try something new. Trust me, I speak from experience._**'

"_In blackest day, in brightest night,_

_beware your fears made into light,_

_let those who try to stop what's right,_

_burn like my power_...!"

As I caught the Scarecrow, he conjured a yellow aura of thorns around his skin and…of course… it was right as I caught him.

"OW! FUCKING POINTY!"

'_**WHY DO WE FEEL YOUR PAIN!**_'

"_Scarecrow's might_."

Then he basted upwards, and he kept going.

"Get back here you BASTARD!"

'_**Yes, because I'm sure he's going to do just that.**_'

Not now Lazuli, it's standard hero dialogue. I flew after him, and was steadily catching up. Scarecrow continued flying as he looked at me. Then he gave me a salute.

"_Till next time Cell, I'll be off_."

As we made it past the atmosphere, we were surrounded by the remnants of the Yellow Lanterns… then they all collectively hit FTL speeds while…

…

…

Heh!

Pretty lights are pretty...

…

…

Wait was I doing something?

…

FUCK!

'**_Dumbass!_**'

'**_They are pretty though._**'

'**_That is besides the point._**'

Wait there was a point?

…

Oh right….

FUCK!


	27. Light and Laughter

**Light and Laughter  
**

"Say it Orm."

"OH GOD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!"

"_Who lives in a pineapple under the sea.._."

Currently, Prince Orm AKA The Ocean Master was on an abandoned beach... Somewhere in Africa, not sure where. He was, quite literally, strapped to a chair Clockwork Orange style watching/listening to the first line of the Spongebob theme on repeat coming from a very LARGE stereo. And ONLY the first line of that song. His will was strong... But that ended about 4 hours into the currently 9 hour marathon of the same damn song.

"Say it and it stops."

"I WILL NOT DEBASE MYSELF BE..."

"_Who lives in a Pineapple under the sea_..."

"I AM A FREAKY FISH FUCKER! I AM A FREAKY FISH FUCKER! FOR THE LOVE OF POSEIDON I AM A FREAKY FISH FUCKER!"

"See now was that so hard." I said as I adjusted my suit and walked on by.

"WAIT... CELL... WHERE ARE YOU GOING! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE! CELL! PLEASE! I PROMISE TO BEHAVE! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME, IT'S INHUMANE!"

"_Who lives in a Pineapple under the sea...Who lives in a Pineapple under the sea..._"

"CELL! PLEASE! I AM A FREAKY FISH FUCKER! I AM A FREAKY FISH FUCKER! I BEG OF YOU TURN IT OFF! CELL!?"

I'll release him in a few more hours. He'll be fine. 

* * *

Waiting in Queen Bees room for her to wake up to see my little present I left in her room. Eventually... I got bored and threw a lamp at her. It smashed against her cranium and she shot up clenching the new knot on her head.

"OW! WHO DARE... Oh... It's you."

I smiled as I gave an exaggerated bow.

"Indeed your majesty, and I brought about five million subjects for you."

She rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

"What do you..."

Her eyes adjusted and she saw what her present was... And paled a few shades as a result.

"OH GOD BEES ARE EVERYWHERE!"

"SURPRISE! I bought my own Honey business. I decided to share the wealth and give you about... 15 apiaries. Just my little present for her majesty."

Her screaming had startled some of the bees, who decided to show Miss Bee what they thought of her disturbing the peace. Here is a hint... It involves stingers.

"GUARDS! OW OW OW OW! GUARD..."

"Oh they left as soon as I covered them in flowers, speaking of which."

I reached to the rope next to me and pulled it, opening the trap door I installed abover her (she is a VERY heavy sleeper). Hundreds of flowers fell onto her, and the bees that weren't buzzing lost their shit and went bananas.

"Have fun."

"OH GOD! Ow! THEY'RE! Ow! EVERY WHERE! Ow!" 

* * *

"Alright one more time."

"Oh...merde."

I crossed my arms as I used telekinesis to puppet the Brain and his secret monkey lover.

"_There Mallah and the Brain,  
Yes Mallah and the Brain._

_One is a monkey, the other a pain.  
They work for the Light,  
And share a bed at night._

_They're Mallah, yes Mallah and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Braaaaain..._"

...

...

"Ahem!"

Mallah sighed.

"Ook ook, eek eek." He said as he started making generic monkey noises, for the 55th time today. I Mean its no NARF! But it'll do. Then Brain started screaming at me.

"Connard! Va te faire foutre!"

"... I know what that means Brain."

...

"Oh...double Merde."

"Alright, 56th times the charm, and then... We see what happens when I dump a slushie in your brain jar thingy. I wanna see Brain Freeze first hand… we'll call it an… experiment."

"Triple Merde!" 

* * *

"Too tight... Toooooo tight."

Screamed/Wheezed Ra's as Jerry crushed his... Everything really.

"Awww Ra's... But he loves you. Say has anyone ever told you that you look like a young Vincent Price... YOU DIDN'T SHARE THE LAZARUS PITS WITH YOUR OWN BROTHER... YOU BASTARD! HOW MANY MOVIES COULD HAVE BEEN MADE RA'S, HOW MANY!"

About those magical Extra Life pits... I was currently taking a bath in one...Yes, I even brought along a rubber ducky. Gotta say, Lazarus Pits make for one HELL of a Hot Tub.

Other Assassins had gathered around us, but to my amusement, not a one approached me. I shot a look to Black Spider who took a single step towards us, and I responded at him with nought but a wave of my hand.

"Hi Spiderman!"

"..."

He stepped back.

This was fun.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY FATHER YOU...oh... Shit."

"Hi Talia."

"Talia… help me pl…"

*_pop_*

And like that Ra's al Ghul exploded like a water balloon. Jerry seemed saddened by this turn of events. That's fine... He'll be back for another round.

"Hey Talia! You wanna throw your dad in here... Jerry broke him… again."

God I love immortals, especially those of the 'resurrection' variety… now only one target to go. 

* * *

"_Experts and analysts are stumped after the Yellow Lantern Invasion has left only a confirmed 6 dead, but it gets stranger as those who died appears to have been..._"

*_click_*

"_Recent examination reveals the only 6 dead from last weeks alien invasion were in fact New God spies from Apokalips, the same planet where G. Gordon G..._"

*_click_*

"_The Death toll rises after the discovery that the Westboro Baptist Church appears to have been destroyed by a giant yellow foot by what witnesses say was a Yellow Lantern who resembled a grey amorphous tentacled creature who held its own eye in a single hand that emerge from its head, the startling ammount of similarities to the aliens from a roughly two minute scene from Monty Python's Life of Brian are noted and being looked into by..._"

*_click_*

"_In what is being called a miracle, millions of people have been seemingly cured of various addictions, cigarette and alcohol sales dropped an astounding 77% as drug cartels have lost..._"

*_click_*

"_You heard us right, Cancer has been eradicated! Hospitals across the world are emptying out as all known forms of cancer has seemingly been totally…_"

*_click_*

"_Most conditions being healed by this event seem to be those where the body itself is the cause. Cancer is just a mutation in…._"

*_click_*

"_The debilitating effects of aging has seemingly been reversed as elderly across the planet have returned to as close to their prime as they have ever been, the exact cause of this is currently…_"

*_click_*

"_While not all disease has been eradicated, many of the worst symptoms of plenty of them just seem to have faded, and out patients quality of life has skyrocketed…._"

*_click_*

Wait…. Was that Mr. Freeze?

"_She woke up! Finally after so many years her condition has steadied, she somehow reversed to an earlier phase of the disease, and was easily cured from there with what progress I have made. I renounce my life of crime, and will continue my work on cures outside the reach of this miracle._"

*_click_*

...

"What the hell is going on?"

This… was beyond odd… not a single person died. It was impossible. The whole planet was under the effects of the fear toxin. How could absolutely no one die? It just… Didn't make sense. Plus now… people were being healed for… seemingly no reason. Just… blatant miracles for many debilitating conditions. It just… what?

"_Mr. Luthor, you have a call on line 3._" Came the voice of Mercy from my phone.

With a sigh, I pressed the button. Not looking forward to whatever asinine bullshit this was about.

"Tell them I'm busy."

"_It's the... Insect sir_."

I groaned as I pulled up the phone and pressed the 3 button with some reluctance. I had to do it... The potential for petty revenge was too good.

"Yes."

"_Hi Sexy Lexy_."

*_click_*

Damn that was satisfying. Like… so much. To a degree that I would call rapturous. I almost wanted him to call back, just so I could do it again. Then there was a knock on the window. Because of course there was. Why would I expect anything less from that cretin.

"Lexy... Hey Lexy... Guess what... Lexy... LEXY!"

I do not often lose my temper like this, but...well where HE is involved it really doesn't matter.

"What do you want Ce..."

I stopped as I saw what he held in his hands. My heart seized in my chest.

No... No... OH GOD NO! That form... Those papers... That FUCKING STAMP!

"Guess who's now on the Lexcorp Board of Directors."

...

Legends say that on cold Winter nights, if you listen very carefully, and the wind blows just right, you can still hear the screaming. 

* * *

…

I hate today… with the fiery passion I have not known since I was a gladiator in ancient Rome… those were good times. Much simpler times. Perhaps I should bring it back. Maybe conquer a nation or two. Relive the glory days and get my mind off the bullet in my posterior.

"_I feel like dying_." Said L-5.

Wow… three seconds. I'm almost impressed.

"..._ Should we get revenge?_" Asked L-4, the Queen Bee herself... I noted her voice was muffled... Wonder why.

"_HELL NO!_" screamed everyone else… not including me.

I wanted revenge… I just Didn't know how to go about it. My arm is still sore, and much thinner than it should be. I was unaware he was capable of that. I always suspected his stinger served a practical function, but I never pictured this. What would happen if he kept going? Could he kill me? For once…. I honestly didn't know.

Then L-3 started bitching. Again…. I hate today.

"_This is all of your faults. If I wasn't apart of Vandals little club, I could have paid attention to what was happening in MY company AND NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED!"_

"_What in Gods name are you blathering on about L-3._" Asked L-2.

I'll admit… I was curious myself… what did that insect do to him? I couldn't imagine it was worse than what I must still endure with.

"_HE SUGGESTED WE OPEN 40 CAKE SHOPS! NO REASON! JUST SAID IT WAS FOUR TENS AND TERRIBLE! HE'S MOCKING ME ABOUT SOMETHING, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT, BUT HE IS MOCKING ME! AND I CAN'T FUCKING KILL HIM! FUCK! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE_!" screamed L-3.

Well… that was certainly an interesting reaction. I don't quite know what's going on, but it sounds like he's throwing random objects around at the walls. Now I was curious… what DID Cell do to him.

"_Sir Step away from the window_."

Oh… well this took an unexpected turn…. Very unexpected.

"_LET ME GO DAMMIT! IT'S ALL I'VE GOT!_"

…

…

"L-3… are you alright?" I asked.

I received no reply, not that I truly expected to, but I continued to hear the voices of Luthor and his fembot assassin. Mercy I believe her name was.

"_Sir, I was programmed to dislike repeating myself, step away from the window now_."

"_SHOVE IT MERCY! I REFUSE TO SEE THAT INSECT EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! I'M JUMPING!_"

"_Drastic measures then_." She said with a sigh.

"_PUT DOWN THAT LAMP MERCY! OR I SWEAR I'LL…_"

*_Smash_*

*_Thud_*

…

…

"_Hello, L-3 would like to apologize for his outburst. I will return him to his room. He appears to have suffered a nervous breakdown and possible concussion_." Spoke the robots feminine voice.

…

…

"_I wish I had a window_."

"_Shut up Orm_." Said L-2.

"Normally I would chastise the use of an actual name but… I can't seem to bring myself to care right now… so Fuck you Orm, at least you can die."

"_Fuck you Vandal. If you knew what I had to go through you'd be FAR worse It wasn't even the whole song. I could have handled the whole song… but that was SICK AND WRONG_!"

"_THERE IS A BULLET IN MY ASS YOU LITTLE SHIT! DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT SUFFERING, I CAN'T EVEN SIT STRAIGHT_!"

"_I think bits of my spine is missing… I feel shorter than usual_." Said Ra's.

" _I have had the worst day of my life… this Cell character has begun spreading rumors as to I and Monsieur Mallah's relationship. LIES I TELL YOU!_"

"_Shut up Brain, no one cares_." said Orm.

"_Greetings my friends_." Spoke L-7, the Scarecrow as he came online.

"..._Where is L-3_?"

"_Unconscious_." Said Orm.

"_Very unconscious_." Said Queen Bee.

".._.?And I missed it!_"

"It was more sad than entertaining. Regardless, what is your report, and this had better be good." I said as I leaned uncomfortably to will away the pain in my ass… to no avail.

"_I have done extensive research on the emotional spectrum. I believe the Indigo light of Compassion would be the simplest to start with, though there are some side effects we may wish to look out for. I will require time to rebuild my Corps, but expect the first lantern soon. I recommend testing it before welding it. Compassion appears to force itself upon the users much like Avarice_."

Oh finally, actual good news for today. A step in the right direction at the very least.

"Excellent L-7, proceed as planned. We will trust your judgement."

….

"_Is something else going on? You're all acting odd_." Asked L-7.

With a sigh, I asked the obvious question.

"It is about Cell." I said.

"_Ah… I see…. I am sorry for you all, I know his… Cellishness...He just… wouldn't stop singing. The same song that never stopped… then he sang...THAT song that will not be named… I think I'll…. Just go now_."

"You do that L-7… you do that." I said to the Lucky Bastard… a whole universe away. Oh how I envy him at this moment.

…

I still hated most of today, but at least it wasn't a complete loss. We had plans… we wouldn't attract the attention of the insect for now… but we could be patient. 

* * *

Well... That was certainly an entertaining day. I brushed my hands as I sat next to the Question and his wall of crazy. Just... So MANY news clippings with string all over the walls, floors, and ceilings.

"Thanks for the info Question." I said as I waved to the still faceless man.

"I take it the Light have been disciplined?" Asked the Question.

He was sitting at an old desktop computer typing away, not even paying me any mind. Not that I was bothered. I was quite a fan of the bat shit crazy madman.

"Well I am me so... Yes... Especially Lex."

"I'll take your word for it."

I took a seat as I cleared my throat. The Question shot me a glance as he continued to type.

"Ready Q?"

He nodded as he turned back to his screen.

"Yes, summon him. We have much to discuss."

I looked to the left of me… then to the right. I took a deep breath as the name whispered from my lips.

"Mister Mxyzptlk."

A popping sound like a champagne cork flying was heard as reality itself stretched to the point of breaking, distorting the world into a thin line of probability before it snapped back like a rubber band. For a few moments, the room, or rather the space that could be described as the room bent and flexed back and forth like a jump rope. I bit my tongue… ow!...as I shook my head from the blatant disregard for physical laws of the universe.

"Wowza, what a ride." Said the little imp as he put his hands in his...pockets?

I think they're pockets, but pockets don't usually have teeth. Mxy looked over to the Question, who continued to type away on his computer like there wasn't a 5th Dimensional reality warping Imp in his house/lair.

"So any reason for this little gathering?"

"Yes." Said the Question as he turned to... face?... the Imp.

"I have informed the big Q here as to my plan."

"Before me! Cell... You wound me so." Said Mxy as he clenched his heart... And pulled it out so I could watch it break.

"Relax will ya, Q here discovered my little secret like he was Adam West… sea for Catwoman style. Anyway that's one reason why I called you here. I also need to know if what I have planned is even possible."

"Well with me here, it might as well be."

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a notebook. A very familiar notebook. Mxy pulled out his own copy and flipped through it. I took the opportunity to start asking Mxy questions I needed to know.

"Tell me Mxy...what is the extent of your powers?"

Mxy rose a brow as he put away his own little notebook.

"Depends on what you mean."

"Limitations mostly."

Mxy scratched his chin.

"Well, I can warp reality to a limited extent, mind you what I call limited, the Green Lanterns call a Sector. Any changes I make can only last for as long as I am around. The effects will fade the further I get. Some things are permanent, but only small things."

"What small things?"

"If I were to change someone in some way… like say give you powers, made an artifact of power, or rewrite memories, they would remain unless I myself reversed it."

"And that's permanent under all circumstances?"

"Depends on the circumstances... Why?"

"Just need to know."

"I can't change the universe significantly Cell… The other Gods and the like native to this dimension would reverse anything I do if it's too big. But yes, those specific things would be permanent."

"That sounds good for my plan actually. Because I don't want you to make any changes at all… I want you to prevent a very specific change from taking place when it happens."

"Alright…. Now I am curious. When WHAT happens? What exactly is your plan?"

I told him my plan, which boiled down to a single question with GIANT implications. Mxy looked at me in shock... Before his grin grew... Well in this case wall to wall.

"Please stop smiling on my evidence." Said the Question, uttering a particular series of words that had probably never been spoken together in that exact sequence.

The smile shrank, but didn't fade.

"I'm listening."


	28. The Day Television Betrayed Me

**The Day Television Betrayed Me**

All in all, I think my plan actually might work... The fact that absolutely no one died after a worldwide alien invasion pointed to the possibility that my crazy plan was feasible. Apparently even the Justice League believe something is up after the Alien Invasion where nobody died. Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth. Either way, ever since I was stared at by beings far above me I had an inkling of an idea. The hypothesis is simple, the more silver age I behave, the more silver age the results. Mxy listened to my ideas more, and nodded along.

"No matter what, during the Silver age... People really didn't die. Buildings were conveniently empty, villains would hold the idiot ball like their lives depended on it anytime they COULD have killed people, and anyone who would die would be saved at the last minute."

As I finished my theory, Mxy foated along with his arms crossed. Listening to every word I said with either a nod or a roll of the eyes... Literally by the way, his eyes would roll out of his skull and onto the floor before he would just… have them back in his head after I looked away for a moment.

"So you believe that by acting like... Well yourself, during a highly dangerous alien invasion where fear was weaponized... An event you refer to as a 'Crisis Crossover'... You somehow channeled the 'spirit' of this Silver Age and THAT is why you think no one died?"

"Yep."

"If that is the case... Then maybe your plan could work... But it is equally possible, however improbable, that no one died just... Because."

"You think so?" I asked... A bit disappointed.

"Not really, but I like to consider all options. This plan of yours is out there, bout as crazy as they come, which is why I love it and I hope you're right... So before we go through with anything maybe we should be sure first."

That seemed reasonable. Still... Maybe further examination was required to figure this out. I think I'm right, but I may be biased. After all, I don't have 5th Dimensional fore/hindsight.

"You're right. It is improbable, but... Not wholly impossible that mere happenstance caused no one to die... I think... I need to do a few experiments."

Mxy shrugged his arms off his shoulders, which flew up to the ceiling before bouncing off the walls and landing back in their original place.

"Sounds good to me. I'll be watching" said Mxy as he melted into dragonflies who melted into sparks that turned into confetti.

Welp… looks like it's science time. 

* * *

The Question was looking at the random collection of household chemicals I assembled in front of him. He looked to them, before turning his head to look at the small white mouse in a hamster cage. The adorable little rodent was eating some seeds mixed with peanut butter and cleaning his little face with his tiny paws. I named him Whiskers. He's a cutie.

"Are you sure this will work?"

"No... But that's what these tests are for…. Hey Q, I have a question… what has Atlantis done for the Conspiracy Theory community?"

"Currently… many of my colleagues believe Atlantis to be where the entity Cthulhu rests somewhere beneath its architecture they still believe H.P. Lovecraft a psychic who was receiving greater wisdom from one of the entities of his own pantheon I reject that theory as ridiculous. I am however of the opinion that Atlantis is a keystone ro the leylines of earth, and long before Atlantis sank, the Atlaneteans mastered and combined both magic and science to build spacecraft before the rest of the world mastered fire. The crews of these crafts may have populated other worlds such as Thanagar and Krypton, eventually evolving into the Hawkpeople and Kryptonians and abandoned Atlantis after it sank believing it to be gone eventually forgetting about it, I could go into more details if you want… Why do you ask?"

"No reason."

I gotta be honest… I'm not mentally prepared for this conversation.

The Question nodded as we put the chemicals above the cage. Once everything was in place. I pulled out a box of a few miscellaneous chemicals that were a bit pricey, but normal chemicals you'd find in any lab. Nothing too special, random solvents, acids, bases, some powdered minerals, and metal shavings. These chemicals were placed above the cage as well.

Once everything was set up, The Question took a step back as I tied the blindfold around my eyes... Then I bumbled forward.

The sound of crashing glass and a squeaking mouse was heard as I took a step back and watched as the small mouse cleaned itself of the random mismatch... Then Whiskers sneezed, and fire exploded from it's nostrils.

"IT WORKS!"

"Congratulations, you made a mouse that sneezes fire."

"You don't get it Q. This means the probability that the world really does work under comic book logic is highly possible. There was no reason whatsoever for this mouse to get any abilities with what was on hand, but it did."

"It is an interesting tidbit of information. Why the blindfold?"

"The key is it has to be an accident, nine times out of ten, if the incident that gives you powers was an accident, you end up with a superhero… interestingly if it's done deliberately you usually end up with a villain. Case by case basis of course, but as a rule of thumb that's how it works."

"It does work within the confines of my superhero formula."

I was about to ask what the hell the Question was talking about, because that damn well sounded worth my time, but then something stupid happened. If you're keeping count… congratulations you either have no life or have way too much time in your hands. Anyways, suddenly and without warning, the tiny Fire Mouse exploded into flames and the cage melted. The small rat shaped fireball looked to me… and nodded solemnly.

"_Squeak_!" It squeaked before it shot off like a rocketship burning a hole in the wall and continuing towards the cosmos above... Presumably to be the hero that Nimh deserves... But not one that it needed now.

...

"You're paying for my wall."

"Fair enough."

Then my phone farted as I got a message.

"Did your phone just pass gas?"

"No that's just my ringtone when I get a text… Huh… looks like Sammy over at S.T.A.R. Labs wants to talk to me. Wonder what that could be about."

The Question nodded as he held out his hand.

"I'll take the cash now for the repairs, otherwise I'll have to hurt you."

...

"You drive a hard Bargain Q." I said as I shoved a roll of hundreds into his hand.

No way I was going to get on HIS shit list. 

* * *

So I stole highly experimental medication with poorly understood properties. So I am responsible for distributing it across the entire planet… is that so wrong? Well… it's highly illegal, immoral, and borderline insane… but is it so wrong?

…

Probably.

"YOU STOLE EXPERIMENTAL MEDICINE AND GAVE IT TO EVERYONE IN THE WORLD!"

Sammy seemed to think so for sure.

"Ok, in my defense, I didn't do it... Batman did. Also by stealing your hard work, I technically cured Cancer... Can I get some credit for that."

"We were barely into animal trials."

"C'mon Sammy, let's focus on the positives. I killed Cancer in the face."

I did do that. Suck it Earth! I cured Cancer bitch!

"We don't even know what side effects these pills have."

"Being healthy seems to be the main one. Truly I am a monster… well I am, I mean I'm a giant bipedal bug man, so I do fall under the definition of a monster, but at least I don't lay eggs in people's chest to propagate, or feed on the souls of the innocent to sustain my eldritch powders from beyond the veil of time and space… To my knowledge anyway…. What were we talking about again? I got sidetracked."

"YOU'RE A GODDAMN MORON!"

"... That's fair."

Sammy leaned back in his chair as he rubbed the bridge of his nose in frustration. He then started to Head desk… though he wasn't as good at it as Lex. That bald maniac was a pro with the Head Desk maneuver.

"You just... Cause headaches every time you open your mouth."

"I would like to point out that I am technically your boss. You probably shouldn't talk to me like that. I do own more of this company than anyone else on the planet."

Sammy groaned as he rubbed his eyes in even MORE frustration. He put his head on the desk and continued groaning, sounding a lot like an angry puppy.

"Kill me." He said rhetorically.

...

"No."

He groaned again. 

* * *

"Concentrate Cell."

Yeah, because that advice helps a bunch, thanks I-Ching. I took a deep breath as I focused on my inner power before...

...

"I think I got a hernia."

"Cell... You don't have the organs that can become herniated."

"Well that's just hurtful I-ching."

My mentor sighed as he rubbed his temple. I had the feeling he was warming up to me.

"Shapeshifting is the simplest application of Chi there is... How is it you can't even change colors?"

"Well as the Orks would say, GREEN IZ BEST COLUR!"

"Please don't shout. I'm blind Cell, not deaf."

"You pull the blind card a lot... Oh!"

...

"Oh what?"

"I'm Purple. I have the sudden urge to hug people and sing about how much I love them."

...

"You mean to tell me you changed colors... And you only just now noticed?"

"Oh no I noticed just before the hernia conversation came up... I just wanted to see of you noticed. What you didn't see that?"

...

"Don't be a dick Cell."

"I make no promises." 

* * *

Well that was fun. I can change colors now... I mean it was bo Shape Shifting but baby steps. Still, I can think of a few uses for this… I wonder if I can become my own light so I can distract myself from everything stupid in the world. I mean yeah I can just look up at that… beautiful… shiny… sparkly light bulb…

…

So yeah, gonna need to buy a new lightbulb. Someone appears to have smashed their face into it. Wasn't me of course. Ignore the small fragments of glass on my face. I was framed I tell you. Oh… no ones around…

...

"Form of Banana!"

And now I'm Yellow... No... Terrible color.

"Form of broccoli!"

There... Much better.

…

What was I doing again?

Oh well, with that out of the way, and I-Ching resting off a migraine, I decided to walk around doing a whole lot of nothing much. Which in Cell Talk translated into a productive day the likes of which the world has never known. I like to think doing nothing counts as being Zen as Fuck, and that is in no way an excuse for laziness. Nope... Not at all.

So I teleported to the nearest couch, interrupting Miss Martians and Superboys make out session, kicked back and relaxed.

"Sup you alien love birds."

Did you know when Martians blush they turn even more green? Kinda a Bluish Greenish color actually… Forest Green.

"We weren't... I mean we were... Were in a School Play!" Stammered the adorable Martian at the speed of light.

"No you're not."

She seemingly deflated at my words as I put my arms behind my head and closed my eyes.

"You can't tell anyone."

"Yes I can, I am more than capable of using the power of words gifted upon me by Mothra herself to inform others as to this tryst of yours."

"Mothra?" Asked Superboy.

"My new Lord… erm Lady and Savior."

I peeked with one open eye at M'gann as she gave me a deadpan blank expression that would make Lazuli proud.

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

"True... I believe the correct sentence you were looking for is 'You shouldn't tell anyone'. Though I beg to differ."

"Please!"

…

How… does she do that with her face? Now I feel awful. She looks like I just walked up to her and kicked her puppy with steel toe boots.

"Ok seriously... Don't do that with your eyes. I won't tell anyone, and to be honest I don't care either."

"See, told you know one would care." Said Superboy.

M'gann ignored him as she flashed me a smile.

"Thanks Cell."

I waved her off as I tried (and failed) to get some sleep. Why did I fail you ask? Well it was at this time that a very… annoyed looking Lazuli walled into the room… I mean more annoyed than usual.

"Hi Laz." Said M'gann.

"Shove it up your ass Cell."

But I didn't say anything... And I don't have an ass.

"What's wrong sis?"

Lazuli sat at a nearby table and crossed her arms as Lapis walked in the room holding a backpack and papers.

"Hi bro. Hi Meg. Hi Superboy." Said Lapis to each of us as he passed us by and sat between me and the lovebirds.

Then he started looking at the forms.

"Hey Lapis… what's up with Lazuli?"

"Oh she's just disappointed we have to attend school now."

…

"What?"

Before I could do anything else… the television channel decided to change all on its own like a big boy.

TV grows up so fast. TV is good.

"_Hello world, your friendly neighborhood Joker here, currently looking for a certain Insect who managed to get on my jolly old shit list._"

"Oh hey…. It's that chucklefuck from the restaurant." Said Lapis.

"Great, the long lost stooge, and just after I manage to forget he even existed." Said Lazuli… bored as ever.

...

Oh cool... I think the Injustice League stuff is finally starting. About damn time. I get to fight kaiju plants now.

"_I also brought along an old friend of yours to get your attention, come on out and introduce yourself!_"

The curtain behind the Joker lit aflame and slowly burned away revealing a familiar face behind it.

"Oh my Mothra."

Television... Why do you betray me?

"_SNOWFLAME DESIRES RETRIBUTION FOR THE BUG MANS TRANSGRESSIONS!_"

...

What a lovely combination of people that is.

"I think they're talking about you Cell." Said Superboy.

Ladies and Gentlemen Superboy, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE!

That said… I am torn… on the one hand this could be an opportunity for further experimentation. More data was always better… on the other hand my siblings now had to attend school, and that really should be a priority. I mean that had to count as cruel and unusual punishment…. I wonder. As far as I can tell, he and Captain Cokehead hijacked a news studio somewhere. However there was a landline phone next to him that was being ignored… this might work.

"I have an idea." I said as I pulled out my phone.

"That's a scary thought." Said Lazuli.

Ignoring her, I pressed the number 5 three times, before pressing four random buttons and hitting send… my theory worked. The laws of probability noted the potential for 'hilarity ensues' and against all logic and reason… the phone next to the Joker rang… good this was a live broadcast.

I watched with some amusement as the Joker stopped and looked to the phone next to him. Then he turned to Snowflame.

"_Were you expecting a call?_"

"_SNOWFLAME DOES NOT KNOW HOW PHONES WORK! HE ASSUMES THEY USE WITCHCRAFT! I ACCEPT NO CALLS TO PREVENT MYSTICAL DETOXIFYING SIGNALS. IF SNOWFLAME DESIRES TO SPEAK WITH OTHERS SNOWFLAME WILL MEET THEM IN PERSON!_"

"..._Great, now you have me afraid to answer._"

…

"For fucks sake PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE!" I screamed as the Joker tapped it with his finger.

"_Oh well, caution to the wind_." He said as he pressed the speaker button.

"_Yellow_!" He said cheerfully.

"Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"

…

"_I'm sorry I think you have the wrong number… wait was that from Monty Pythons the Funniest Joke in the World… who is this?_"

"Hi Jokey, remember me."

I didn't think it possible… but somehow Jokers smile widened.

"_Oh I know that voice well. Hello Cell. Did you just try to kill me with a joke? Sorry to say pal, but I don't own a meadow-dog or a flipper-forest. I'm immune to killer Jokes… you might have killed Germany though, so hip hip hurray for you._"

Damn… he's good.

"Well… can't say I didn't try… so is all this for little ol' me?"

"_IS THAT THE INSECT! SNOWFLAME DEMANDS RETRIBUTION_!"

"Yeah, about that… when the hell did YOU get back?"

"_THIS PALE ACOLYTE OF COCAINE…_"

"_It was one time!_" Interrupted the Joker as Snowflame continued.

"... _HAS CALLED UPON THE GOD ABOVE THEM ALL FOR AID! I AM THEIR ANSWER! YOU INSECT ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR CURES TO ADDICTION, COCAINE DEMANDS YOUR HEAD FOR THIS TRANSGRESSION AND SNOWFLAME WILL DELIVER_!"

"_The process of getting him here was kinda fun... Incidentally my nose itches_."

…

Da fuk!

"Alright fine… so how do you want to do this?" I asked.

"_Simple really, we are looking for you. You calling is unexpected, but not unwanted. This whole thing is just a friendly little reminder that were looking for you. Sure we have given up the element of surprise, but I'm hoping paranoia will drive you mad as you look over your shoulder constantly_."

"Wait… that's it… No location we're going to meet or anything?"

"_So the League can interrupt our little game… I think not. Which reminds me_…" the Joker turned to Snowflame… who was snorting cocaine on live television. Man the PC moms are gonna have a field day with this one."... _We should probably get out of here before they show up to crash the party before it even gets started_."

"_LET THEM COME! SNOWFLAME WILL ENLIGHTEN THEM TO COCAINES MAJESTY_!"

"_Didn't Batman have Detox grenades or something_?" Asked the Joker.

…

"..._Upon careful consideration Snowflame has decided to agree with this idea. Let us make haste_." Said Snowflame as he flew up and smashed out of the wall.

"_Oh, that looks like fun… well enough chit chat. See you soon Cell._" Said the Joker as he ran out the same hole.

Welp… this should be fun. 

* * *

"It is you specifically he's looking for. We can handle them, what the League does is not up to you."

"Me!? But I'm that name!"

Batman narrowed his eyes at my comment.

"Yeah sorry, but seriously I can handle them if they do show up. If they show up, I'll just kick their ass. Besides I have a meeting at Lexcorp to get to."

"The fact that you're a board member to Lexcorp is highly suspicious. Regardless, things tend to get complicated when you get involved. We can't afford the resources to keep an eye on you."

"It's kinda important that they do get complicated."

"It really isn't."

"Fair point, but I do have a life and things to do, you can't just keep me here.."

"You're not a prisoner Cell, just consider this protective custody. I'm asking you to avoid population centers. If you disregard that, then the consequences are on your head. Give us time to find them, that's all I'm asking."

"I don't really need protection."

"The Joker is an unpredictable opponent. If he's going after you, then he thinks he can win."

That was a fair point… I was stuck between a rock and a hard place… really, Batman would be right… but I still had other stuff to do, I understand he is worried about collateral damage but still… wait… Oh! That could work… maybe I can use comic book tropes to my advantage. The Joker called me out, so the cosmic laws of the universe would ensure we meet. I just needed to present the perfect opportunity for the universe to deliver.

So I put on my best defeated whiny voice. I sighed as I said the words that were guaranteed to ensure I met both the Joker… and our mutual Crackhead friend.

"Fine, I'll just go for a walk instead."

May Mothra have mercy on their souls, for I had none left to spare.


	29. Cocaine Cocaine EVERYWHERE!

**Cocaine... Cocaine EVERYWHERE!**

It was a bright and non-stormy mid afternoon with clear blue skies and only enough fluffy clouds to make the sky more visually interesting to behold. All in all, the perfect weather for the coming battle. Villains had a tendency to show up seemingly out of nowhere, so I made sure to keep my Ki senses on. Our venue was the outskirts of Gotham city, where the city ended and miles of forests began. Just in case people surviving the Fearpocalypse was a fluke, the fighting could be redirected to the woods. Technically not a population center. Buildings were few and far between this far from Gotham proper. Of course… I wouldn't be alone. Joker had his own Cell tier I called the only Joker tier guy I knew… now I just had to wait for him to get here.

"Hi Cell."

…

Stupid rule of funny tropes. I should have sensed him coming.

"Hello Trickster."

"I've been on my best behavior. The Docs think I'm going fishing… I even brought a pole." said the Trickster as he presented me with a Fishing pole.

"Riveting, so you ready to kick a clowns ass."

The Trickster quirked his head before throwing the fishing pole off to his side.

"I don't know Cell. I stubbed my toe the other day, and I'm fairly certain only Batguy is allowed to do that."

"Your logic is sound. Fair enough Tricky, we'll just go with plan A."

"Ooooh… what's Plan A?"

"We fail spectacularly, it will be a failure of such uniqueness and irreproducibility that tales of our failure will be told far and wide."

"Why would we want to fail?" Asked the Trickster.

It was at this time, the Question walked out from behind a small bush he was doing business behind.

"The Joker is a villain, he can win battles, but not the war. He must fail at the long game, though the universe permits him to win just enough so that his plan comes to fruition long enough to build excitement, allowing us to learn what his goal is and keeping the Chekhov's Gun trope in play. We know he has a plan, and the universe itself will ensure he gets far enough along to reveal his endgame, upon losing he will reveal his plan, allowing us to win. It requires failure of epic proportions on our part to get along long enough to succeed."

…

"What?"

"We're weaponizing tropes to win the war by losing the battle."

"What if he doesn't have a plan beyond Kill Cell?"

…

"Why did you say that." Asked the Question rhetorically as he face palmed.

…

"FUCK!"

"What did I do?"

"You invoked a literary convention. You presented an alternative. Now he actually might not have a plan." Said the Question.

"Now failure is not an option. Unless he does have a plan, in which case failure is an option. Fuck!" I said… ok now I was panicking.

"We need to figure out his plan or lack of plan before proceeding." Said the Question.

…

"And they call me crazy."

* * *

So several long long LONG conversations later… we decided that since The Trickster said what he said most recently… then the Joker might not have a plan. The Question argued that by discussing the possibility of a plan, there very well might be a plan. Which worked with the trope at play… I think.

"Ok, so when we fight the Joker I fail, while you two succeed. Once we know if he has a plan or not, we can proceed from there. Sounds good?"

"Indeed."

"So does this mean no to my mechanized toilet idea?" Asked the Trickster.

"We'll shelve that for our counter plan."

"Fair enough."

"So are we all clear on our not plan?" Asked the Question.

"... Wait, I thought we did have a plan." Said the Trickster.

…

"MY HEAD HURTS!" I screamed.

See this is what happens when you think too much about weaponized tropes.

"What if… and I'm just snowballing here, but what if we hit him with a rock?" Said Killer Croc… wait...

…

"Croc… when did you get here?"

"Just before crazy over here suggested Robo-Potty." Said the Crocodile man.

"Would a rock work?" Asked the Question.

"In my experience rocks always work if they're big enough."

"That is a good point." Said the Question.

…

This is too much crazy for one location… wait...

"Guys… I have a new plan."

* * *

Well… We're not quite like the Avengers. Pretty close though…. Actually I'd say we're like a Beta version of the Fantastic Four at this point. Killer Croc, the Trickster, the Question, and I walked aimlessly through the forest. Hoping that comedic timing would summon the Joker from the either… or something like that… we really had no idea if wandering aimlessly would work. We really were pushing ' Hilarity ensues ' to its limits, but it was our best shot.

"Jee, I sure hope no clowns show up." Said the Trickster… who was dressed as a Clown.

"Or drug addicts." Said Killer Croc.

"Which is why we're walking through a completely abandoned forest where we have no chance of running into Drug Addicted Clowns."

…

Damn, I thought that would work…

…

Damn, that didn't work either…. Hmmm… Maybe...

"Guys, I got the feeling that something ain't right."

"You don't say?" Said the Joker as he stood on a giant Rock to our right.

Oh good, that one worked. The Trickster immediately pulled out a… slingshot apparently as the Question pulled out a 44. Magnum. Croc had a rock… club thingy.

…

I turned to the Question.

"Clown's to the left of me, Joker's to the right, Here I am, stuck in the middle with you…"

"INSECT!" screamed Snowflame as he crashed into me as fast as he could and dragged me across the ground by my neck.

His touch immediately hit like a shit ton of bricks. He wasn't as high as the last time we fought…. But… Well… Snowflame exploded so hard WITH cocaine fire that he sent said raging Coke Fire in all directions from his point of impact. Apparently his mystical fire turned the ground into Cocaine. Which immediately exploded from the resulting sonic boom, sending coke dust into the air… which everyone breathed in. This wasn't your granddaddy's blow either, it was so pure that somehow… the Questions mask was not enough to stop it's effects.

Therefore and Thusly, shit got crazy.

"GAH! I CAN TASTE MY OWN TONGUE!"

Why does my mouth taste like dirt?

*_BANG!_*

"Yuh-oh."

Why are the Dice Gods not made of snakes, specifically their eyes?

"YAHTZEE! COME PLAY SNOWFLAME!"

"PLAY WITH THYSELF INSECT!"

"BUT I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO PLAY WITH!"

Jokers wild y'all. I should know he just crane kicked Killer Croc with a rubber chicken…

Incoming Cokeman.

"KAMEHAMEHAAAAA!"

I CAST LIGHTNING BOLT!

"YOUR MOON BEAMS HAVE NO POWER AGAINST THE MIGHTY SNOWFLAME!"

"QUESTION NEEDS FOOD BADLY!"

"THAT IS MY SALAMI YOU FACELESS BATMAN RIPOFF!"

"TRICKSTER DEMANDS MORE PIE!"

"MY SCALES ARE SCALED SCALES! WHY DO THEY CHITTER CHATTER!"

Thankfully, my previous encounter with Snowflame gave me some resistance… however when I came back to my senses I was in a crater about five feet from the Joker… who was singing what I'm pretty sure was a reference.

"I am Jesus! I am Moses! I am Lucifer, the Fallen! I am Elijah! I am the beatified bones of Dancin' Don Rickles, and I'm gonna eat yer babies!" He sang while doing cartwheels into the Trickster who was throwing Horseshoes at Killer Croc… who was eating said Horseshoes.

"CLOWWWWWWN!" Screamed the Trickster as he threw a pie he pulled from… somewhere to smack into the Joker's face.

"Mmmmm, Rhubarb!"

Apparently the Trickster took offense to the Joker's enjoyment of said pie.

"IT'S MY MOTHERS RECIPE, HOW DARE YOU ENJOY IT! IT WAS MINE!"

The Question ran top speed out the forest to bull tackle the Joker off the Trickster and start punching him in the face.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF BATMAN EATING A HOTDOG! ANSWER ME CLOWN!"

The Joker laughed as the punches came, before the Question grabbed him by the collar of his purple suit.

"HOTDOG!"

*_Punch!_*

"BATMAN!"

*_Punch!_*

"ANSWER!"

*_Punch!_*

"NOW!"

The Joker laughed before spitting out a tooth.

"HA, the Jokes on you Queuey my boy. Batman didn't eat the Hotdog, the Hotdog ate Batman!"

The Question stumbled back grasping at his chest.

"My God! MY THEORY WAS TRUE! THE BATMAN EATS NACHOS!"

"IIIIIIIIIII'M JOGGING!" said Killer Croc as he jogged right on past me.

"INSECT! THERE YOU ARE!" Screamed Snowflame as he flew Superman style towards me… ignoring… whatever the hell was going on, I took to the skies.

I began throwing Ki at him as I flew backwards.

"SNOWFLAME FEELS NO PAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIN!"

"Good for you." I said as I pointed at Snowflame, releasing a beam of such intensity that it went through Snowflame like a laser beam of concentrated awesome… as you can probably guess, Snowflame didn't even notice…

Hold on a second

"Are you…. Bleeding Cocaine?"

"I AM NOUGHT BUT COCAINE NOW INSECT!" He screamed as FIRE EVERYWHERE ensured.

I immediately fell back to the ground… somewhat hazy. An INCREDIBLY tweaked out Joker ran past me… only well...

"I AM THE TERROR THAT CRAPS IN THE NIGHT!" Said the Joker… inexplicably dressed as Batman.

"EAT T.P. BAT-JOKER!"Screamed the Trickster as he started throwing toilet paper at the Joker who dodged them by doing the Electric Slide.

*_BOOM!_*

Correction, Exploding Toilet Paper.

"Are you LITTERING! TRICKSTER YOU FIEND! TASTE MY FISTS OF JUSTICE!" Screamed Bat-Joker.

…

I was not high enough for this… thankfully Snowflames fist to my face fixed that problem real fucking quick.

"EVERYONE IS COKED OUT OF THEIR MINDS!"

"YOUR CHEMICAL BLISS GRANTS SNOWFLAME STRENGTH!"

"Cocaine. So much cocaine...IS THAT YOU HUNTER S. THOMPSON"

"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK MY MOST HOLY DISCIPLES NAME INSECT!"

….

"I AM A CHIA PET OF INSANITY!"

"SNOWFLAME DOES NOT KNOW WHAT THAT IS! BUT HE WILL END YOUR CHIA PET!"

"THIS ISN'T SNOW!"

"NO, IT IS BLOW INSECT. NOW TASTE IT!"

"MUH MOUF IZ NUMB! AH'LEASE AH CA'N TASE D'RT!"

"Do you see the truth now insect. COCAINE SOLVES ALL PROBLEMS!"

"Wha' abo...!"

"THEN YOU ARE SIMPLY NOT USING ENOUGH!" said Snowflame as he sent a fire covered fist at me.

...

There's a fist in my face, and I don't know how it got there…

"GAHHHHH! That is it!"

I spun a large basketball sized orb of ki in my palms, putting more and more power into it until its light bathed the forest in a fae glow. Then I split it in two and stuck my hands inside of it, CREATING BOXING KI FISTS OF FURY! Before you ask, no I have never tried this before, and I'm not sure why It's working, but I really didn't care.

I reared my fist back before flying full speed to Snowflame.

"SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" I shouted as my Ki covered fist connected, and then another one and then…. Oh there it is, drugs kicked in again.

"LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW!"

"IT'S SNOWING COCAINE!"

"THIS IS THE BEST SNOW EVER! BAT-JOKER AWAYYYYY…. How hard do I have to flap my arms to fly?"

"ALL THE HARD!"

…

So I came to again to see the Trickster and Bat-Joker following a Three Stooges Routine, Joker was good, but Trickster managed to use the patented Epic Anti-Eye Poke Maneuver, which was all that saved him as the two fingers were mere centimeters away from his retina. The Trickster smiled before he raised his fist high to BONK! Joker on the head.

"A wise guy eh'" said the Joker rubbing the top of his head.

Then he put up his dukes and feigned a punch, which teh Trickster attempted to bloc. Alas this was all apart of the Jokers plan and allowed the Joker to use TWO hands to poke Trickster in each eye. It was a move that the Epic Anti-Eye Poke Maneuver could not defend from.

Question, who was chaining backflips together across the coke-forest floor stopped flipping to help Killer Croc, who was digging a hole with his bare hands. Then, as they pulled out several fist fulls of dirt, Croc somehow found a power cable. When Croc pulled it out, it turned out to be attached to a microwave.

"I always knew the government was monitoring our thoughts using microwaves."

"BUT HOW WILL WE MAKE POPCORN!"

"Sacrifices must be made."

...

I can't tell if the Question is still high as balls right now and that is very concerning to me. It was also at this point I realized that most of the forest… was white... Apparently.

"COOOOOOOOOKE!" Screamed Snowflame as he crashed on top of me and conjured Unholy Coke Fire all across my body.

So… as my Exoskeleton was transmuted into Cocaine… I couldn't help but wonder why it was that the stars in my eyes danced the cha cha, but that could be the telepathic drugs talking… which is also weird now that I think about it as I'm fairly sure Cocaine isn't a hallucinogen.

I lashed out with as strong a kick as I could, and Snowflame shot off like a bullet. My mind a haze and I was filled with more energy than I have ever known. My cocaine exoskeleton shed off as it regrew back to normal. As I stood up, my foot hit against something...metal.

…

Why is there a 44. Magnum on the ground?... Oh right, I guess the Question dropped it. I picked it up and grabbed it before pointing it at the sly towards the rapidly approaching Crackhead.

"Choke on this." I said as I pulled the trigger…

…

Ok, this is where I realized that I may not think things through. Snowflame Karate chopped the bullet mid air, deflecting it back towards the ground. It hit Killer Croc, whose scales caused it to ricochet off and then move towards me.

…

So after that Epic Fail and the subsequent regrowing of my head, Snowflame was already on top of me again. Punching at me like I was his estranged father and he had some issues to work out.

"Ow! Ow! QUIT IT! OW!"

"I SHALL NOT QUIT ANYTHING INSECT!"

Fuck this. I thrusted both hands into Snowflames chest.

"Galick Gun!"

A massive fuchsia-colored beam exploded from my hands, sending Snowflame into the sky and incidentally creating a MASSIVE column of Ki that could probably be seen for miles in all directions.

…

Wonder if anyone saw that?

The others in various states of intoxication stared at the beam in the same way I was when the moth part of my brain took over. In unison they 'ooooh'd' and 'ahhhhh'd' until it disappeared. It was silent for a moment as everyone continued staring where the beam used to be… before the Trickster punched the Joker in the face, and the Crazy came back.

I got to my feet… still not quite sure what level of high I was, but the butterflies in my brain told me it was enough. I stood waiting for Snowflame to return.

…

"Did I win?"

"NO FOUL INSECT!" screamed Snowflame who was Behind me.

So anyway I was on fire now…. Kinda, it's not normal fire, it was some strange mystical cocaine fire, but whatever it was I was currently lit aflame with it. It was also very painful as my molecules were forcibly rearranged and transmuted into even more cocaine. Of course OP regeneration wins the day again, and I managed to get out of the raging Coke-inferno and shed the powdery parts of myself to regrow back into normal. Of course I was high AS FUCK right now… as I result I wasn't sure what was going on, but I'm guessing it was suitably epic.

By the time my eyes grew back, I got a firsthand view of Snowflame spinning rapidly to create a category 3 Fire Cokenado… I just realized something… Tornado was a slang term for Cocaine… Ok now this is starting to make sense.

"I AM SNOWFLAME OF THE FINEST LINES! WIELDER OF THE FLAMES OF RAIL AND DUST! CRAFTER OF SACRED POWDER PEARLS! BEHOLD MY POWER!"

So as the swirling Fire and Blow powdered the Cocaise Forest, the others had to run out of there before they were sucked in. Lucky for them they were all in excess of energy at the moment.

The Tornado grew and grew until it broke the rating scale and became a Category 6 twister. Whole regions of the forest were swallowed in its fiery wake and wildlife began tweakin' and geekin' like never before. Then it started moving towards me. This was it… the endgame, the Jokers master plan… Assuming he had one. Really he was in no state for me to ask, so I'll just assume that this was his plan. Time to stop Epic Fails. I channeled my Ki into my palms as I held them outstretched out to each side, palms facing forward. I ignored the tree that the Cokenado hurled my way as all it could do was smack uselessly against my exoskeleton. Sending splinters everywhere. Two orbs appeared in each of my hands and I smiled.

"CELL SMASH!" I screamed as I Ki Clapped.

The Spiritual energy exploded and tore the sound barriers world asunder before slamming into Snowflame and knocking him out of his own Cocaine Tornado, which now was slowly dissipating. Snowflame screamed as he landed on the ground… and began dragging several hundred feet across the forest creating a brand new canyon several hundred feet deep. He continued going until he hit a distant mountain… well… it was a mountain, but it sure as hell wasn't a mountain any more. Just collateral damage.

…

"Holy Shit!" said a voice below me… which I tracked to the Joker who was staring in awe at the once Mountain that was no more.

I landed directly in front of him with my arms crossed. His eyes, while dilated, seemed to have his trademark insanity in them.

I smiled.

"Hello...Friend."

He smiled and raised his hands a bit.

"Now now Cell, let's talk about this."

"Sure… Hey Jokey… What's that on your chin?"

"On my WhaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"Oh… it's my fist."

The Question was the first to stumble out of the forest towards me, clutching his head.

"Ugh… That was hell… What happened?"

"Magic Cocaine."

The Trickster, being barely held up by Killer Croc soon joined us.

"I feel like a train passed through my skull." said the Trickster.

"I'm fine." said Croc.

….

"AhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Hold on a sec." I said as I put my arm out, and flew a few feet into the air.

I clenched my hand at the precise moment the Joker past and caught him by the collar.

His head shook dizzily as it spun.

"I'm the belle of the ball, I just want to feel pretty… Is that so wrong… Wait you're not Roberto!"

"Nope." I said as I punched him in the chin again.

"AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh….."

"So…. what now?" asked the Question.

"Well… The Joker is the perfect opportunity to test if my plan actually will work… we're about to find out."

"How?" asked the Trickster.

"We make him harmless. You'll see."

"ahhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I caught the Joker again, who looked ready to hurl.

"Oh god, if you do that again… I think I'm gonna puke!"

I put the Joker on the ground as I telekinetically lifted the previous 44. Magnum and tossed it his way.

"Probably, hey Joker… Catch." I said.

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!" Screamed the Question.

"Jury's out." I said as I crossed my arms.

As the Joker examined the Gun in his hands, his smile grew.

"Aw, Cell.. You shouldn't have, now then." He said as he pointed the gun at the Trickster and pulled the trigger.

*_BOOM!_*

The Trickster ducked, but he didn't have to. I caught the bullet mid air with telekinesis, and carefully allowed it to pass right over the Trickster, I forced it to appear to bounce off a tree and come right back at the Joker. Instantly, the Gun in his hand flew out as the bullet went back in and hit the Joker in his face.

"OW! How in the hell!" he said as he covered his now bleeding nose.

"Looks like you missed… wanna try again?"

The Joker looked at me…

Right as a ball of Ki slammed into his face.

"GAH! THE SAME SPOT! WHY!"

Then… something crazy happened.

A sound… like paper tearing was heard as reality itself flipped around us. The Joker looked around and began to Panic.

"WHAT'S GOING ON!"

"Looks like I was right." I said proudly.

A cosmic crack appeared on Jokers suit, bleeding light. He fell flat on his ass.

"What's happening to me?"

"You have a very interesting history Joker. You've been everything from a harmless trickster to a murdering psycho, and everything in between."

"What are you talking about! What is happening to me?"

"Joker Immunity! By cosmic law… you are far too interesting to die. People outside this universe would riot at it… That Ki ball should have killed you… but it didn't, because you Can't die… can you. And thanks to all this cocaine, you have been acting... differently than usual haven't you. More goofy. More... classic Joker."

"What are you! GAAHHHH!"

"Sorry Joker, shit got too weird for even you. Now reality is catching up, to put it bluntly... you're being Ret-Conned."

A bright flash of light appeared across the Joker as he shattered and reassembled. His hair lengthened and his naturally white face became nothing more than makeup. He looked up at us and laughed a truly deranged laugh.

"You wanna know how I got these Scars...AHHHHH"

Another Flash, as a more traditional and much more recognizable form appeared. Well kept and somewhat sophisticated behind the madness.

"Is that…. Jack Nicholson?" asked the Question.

"Ever Dance with the Devil in the Pale Moonlight AGHHHHHH!"

Another Flash.

The newest Joker, who appeared much younger, giggled. I think... this one was DCAU Joker.

"Ho Oh it HAS been Long. I'm Back everyone no need to worry I'm AHHHH! NO! I JUST GOT BACK! AHHHH!"

Another Flash, and this one was the last.

"WuhaHAHAHAHAHAA! Hello World, I'm BAAAAAACK!"

I looked at the form... It was very basic Joker, but there was something... familiar about it.

"A Joke a day keeps the Gloom away, as they say. HA HA HA HA HA!"

I smiled.

"Question…. Trickster… Croc… Circa 1966, when Cesar Romero had the role in the Adam West series, this was the definitive Joker. Meet the Joker of the Silver Age!"

"OH HWAHA HA HA HA HA HAAA!"


	30. Fishing, Rotor-Bikes, and School

**Fishing, Rotor-Bikes, and School**

_*FLASHBACK!*_

"If I were to change someone in some way… like say give you powers, made an artifact of power, or rewrite memories, they would remain unless I myself reversed it." said Mxy.

"And that's permanent under all circumstances?"

"Depends on the circumstances... Why?"

"Just need to know."

"I can't change the universe significantly Cell… The other Gods and the like native to this dimension would reverse anything I do if it's too big. But yes, those specific things would be permanent."

"That sounds good for my plan actually. Because I don't want you to make any changes at all… I want you to prevent a very specific change from taking place when it happens."

"Alright…. Now I am curious. When WHAT happens? What exactly is your plan?"

"Tell me Mxy, have you ever heard of a Retcon?"

Mxy looked at me in shock... Before his grin grew... Well in this case wall to wall.

"Please stop smiling on my evidence." Said the Question, uttering a particular series of words that had probably never been spoken together in that exact sequence.

The smile shrank, but didn't fade.

"I'm listening."

"We're going to Retcon the whole Universe into a Silver Age wonderland of goofy and silly. Where only the heroes and those they know remember. We'll need to inform them after it passes, but we need to make sure it can actually happen."

"And exactly how are we going to go about that?" Asked Mxy.

"We can't rush into this. Apokalips and New Genesis are canonically capable of surviving a Retcon unscathed, same with Lantern Rings in very specific circumstances, we need to make sure a retcon of this magnitude works across the whole Universe, and is perfect in it's reach. With the exception of anyone whose name is written in this book, no one can remember this iteration."

"This feels like brainwashing to me, is this brainwashing?"

"Civilians won't be significantly affected, they have no reason to change like heroes or villains do, it's named civilians I'm worried about, like Lois Lane or Commissioner Gordon. People who have a history with heroes. Other than that, really who cares about villains? Sure they are cool from an outside observational point of view, but from this side of the fourth wall they're just a pain. Fuck em…. Mostly, some can stay. Might need to plan out a cosmic road trip in the future, figure out who else to add to my notebook."

"I agree with that logic." said the Question.

"I'll be honest, I'm game for any plan that plays the Gods like chess pieces. Count me in." Said Mxy.

"Good, still need to figure out how New Genesis and Apokalips are retconned."

"Seems complicated… how are you going to do it?" Asked Mxy.

I thought about it for a second, before a smile formed across my face.

"Well, I think this could help." I said pulling out the Father Box in my coat.

_*FLASHBACK END*_

* * *

…

"How in the hell did yo…" asked Croc.

"Retcon!" I shouted happily.

…

"Wat!"

Reality then danced the Macarena as a certain Imp tore through like a Pan-Dimensional Kool Aid man. He was breathing heavily and clutching his sides.

"I'm here, I am here. I am ready for… aw man, did I miss it?"

"Ok seriously what the hell is going on. Where did the Leprechaun come from?"

"Oh Mr. Croc, sad to say but I'm not a Leprechaun. I have absolutely no ties to Oa or the Guardians."

"I KNEW IT! Leprechauns are Maltusians who left Maltus long before they became the Oans." Said the Question… quite happily mind you.

"SOMEONE MAKE SENSE!" Screamed Croc.

"Well obviously wizardry is afoot." Said the Trickster.

"Not inaccurate, but inherently wrong. This goes beyond magic." Said Mxy.

"Are you all talking about me? Well shucks fellas, you sure know how to make a clown feel wanted." Said the Joker.

"Basically… we broke intrinsic rules to reality. The Joker can't die, or at least he can't stay dead. He's got this… contractual immortality called Joker Immunity, its named after him but any sufficiently popular and lucrative villain can have Joker Immunity. I threw enough Ki in his face to make his head resemble a fine mist. The Joker can't go out like that Crocy, so reality took note and sought to ensure his survival. However, because shit got so Bat shit wacky…"

"Ha, Bat shit. See it's funny because now I'm picturing old Batsy on the toilet." Said the Joker.

"Heh, that is pretty funny." Said the Trickster as the Crazy Clown Duo started to share a laugh.

I continued.

"Anyway, shit got so wacky that we made our surrounding reality too much like the Silver Age, so the Joker was returned to a previous iteration of himself to match…ummm? Right?" I asked Mxy.

The Imp shrugged.

"More or less."

"Can that happen to us?" Asked Croc.

…

"Oh, this should be fun. Go on Cell tell the humanoid reptile about the book." Said Mxy.

"Book?"

I reached into my (mostly) cocaine coat pocket and pulled out a small composition notebook.

"Mxy here and I worked out a deal. Everyone whose name is written in this book, will keep their memories in the event of a universe scale retcon."

"Is my name in that book?" Asked the Trickster.

"Yep. Most of it is heroes though."

"Oh… well that's a reli…."

"Your name isn't in it Croc." I said bluntly.

…

…

"Wat!?"

"You are a cannibal. Can't have that when my plan comes to fruition."

"I can quit anytime I want." Said Croc as he crossed his arms.

"Prove it."

"Huh?"

"Well stage an intervention. Stop the cannibalism cold turkey, and maybe… just maybe, I'll write your name in my book… deal?"

Croc seemed… apprehensive, until he looked over to the Joker. Then to me.

"Fine."

I smiled and put away my book.

"You're on thin ice mister, but we'll get you there."

Croc grumbled petulantly as he looked away and crossed his arms. I could already tell that this would be a journey into madness and decomposing body parts.

"Well, fun as a Cannibals Anonymous is, the League is on their way." Said Mxy.

"Oh well that's… FUCK!"

I did not think this through… I don't I can billshit this one away. The Joker was juggling rubber chickens and singing about it. How the HELL can I explain this?

"Oh I did NOT think this through at all…"

"I have an idea." Said the Trickster. 

* * *

As the Justice League flew in, The Question, Trickster, and I sat back on the edge of the lake… we were fishing. When Superman landed, the Trickster turned to him in indignation.

"YOU'RE SCARING THE FISH!" he screamed.

Superman… actually winced.

"Oh, sorry… wait… are you three… fishing?"

"Well duh!" I said as I reeled in to throw back out.

"Hi Flash!" Said The Trickster with a wave.

"Hi James, having fun?"

"Haven't caught anything yet, but I can feel a bite is coming any minute."

Oh my Mothra their hero/villain dynamic was just amazing.

Batman looked around suspiciously… until he saw the Joker tied to a nearby tree. As soon as he saw that, he reeled back. He looked legitimately shocked to his fucking core. Probably was the fact that This Joker looked Nothing like he one he was used to. At all.

"Hi Batsy! Sorry I can't come over to greet you with a firm handshake, but I appear to be tied up at the moment! WHOHA HA HA HAAAA!"

"Joker? What happened to you?"

"Don't quite know myself."

" I GOT A BITE!" I screamed as I reeled in… it was a perfectly healthy Bass that unfortunately was less than an inch long…

"Not a keeper." Said the Trickster.

"What. Happened." Asked Surprise Angry in my face Batman.

Ok He was all up in my grill… and I had no idea how he got there in such a short period of time… I'd be impressed if it wasn't fucking terrifying.

"I just came here with Question and James over here to go fishing. Snowbitch and Chuckles over here showed up."

"Where… is Snowflame?" Askes Wonder Woman.

"Currently?… Well if you follow the brand new Canyon over there…" I said as I pointed in the distance towards said canyon. "... You'll find what was once a mountain at the end. Snowflame is trapped under the remains. Dude is powerful, but physical strength is not his best power. He ain't lifting that off himself any time soon."

I'm sure he'll manage eventually though… he'll probably transmute his mountain prison into Cocaine and fucking snort it.

"That doesn't answer my question." Said Batman.

"About what?"

"What did you do to the Joker."

"Oh I shattered reality using pure concentrated goofy to turn the Joker into a previous iteration of himself from another much more silly universe by exploiting his contractual immortality given to him by legions of adoring fans that live in another dimension. I invoked the highest dimensional to do this, specifically the narrative, which I made my bitch."

Batman narrowed his eyes.

"No jokes Cell… what happened?" Asked Batman sternly.

"I'm magic bitch!"

BAT GLARE INTENSIFIES!

"Fine, I fixed him… I think I may have accidentally used previously unknown mysticism to do whatever this is… worked out pretty well. He seems less spree killer and more Looney Tunes."

"It's true. I suspect one of the species used to make Cell had mystical potential related to healing the mentally ill. Hold on." Said the Question as he reeled in a sizable catch.

"It appears dinner is on me."

"Damn your luck Question!" Screamed Trickster.

Batman sighed as he turned back to the Joker.

"Say, would you be so kind as to untie me. These ropes chafe somethin' fierce let me tell you."

Batman eyes the Joker suspiciously, before turning back to me.

"I don't know what happened here...but I will find out."

"Well Detective, I believe the technical term is I've been tied up. Your skills at deduction appears to have waned a bit, WHOHAHAaaaaah! World's Greatest Detective my pale patootie!"

...

I have a good feeling about this. Like Maybe the future was a bright one full of laser dogs and Jimmy Olsen having a new super power every two or three weeks that just become increasingly ridiculous. If I make a drinking game out of it, I should destory all my livers by the end of the month. Which for a uy with four livers would be quite the achievement. I might get into the World Record books for it... I'll have to check it out. Hold on a second...

"Where's the Joker?" I asked.

Everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE looked to see that the Joker was gone, only ropes remained. Batman was about to get ready to spring into action… until.

"CATCH ME IF YOU CAN BATMAN!"

...

So… It looks like the Joker built a pedal-powered bicycle-helicopter hybrid out of wood, twigs, vine, and sticks. He was peddling like his life depended on it as he… very clumsily made his way towards Gotham... The Professor from Gilligan's Island would be proud.

…

"When did he have time to build that?" asked the Flash.

"I think he came here in it."

Ask no questions Flash, and I won't tell you no lies.

"We will discuss this later." Said Batman as he ran off towards the Joker.

The Flash, Wonder Woman, and Superman just kinda.. Watched as the Joker peddled to freedom. In absolute gobsmacked awe. They were frozen in the spot at the utter insanity of the Silver Age on display, and IT WAS GLORIOUS! Eventually however they left… not to follow after the Joker mind you, they had their own brand of insanity to deal with, but at least it left us all alone for the moment. I wonder what the next insanity that comes to me will be. Kinda hoping that Vampire situation actually goes somewhere. I paid a lot of money for all that glitter. So we were left to continue with fishing apparently under the condition that all of us submitted for Bat Questioning later... Considering our little troupe... I can only see this going well.

...

It was at this point that Croc emerged from the lake to take in a HUGE gulp of air. he could hold his breath for a very long time, but he couldn't quite breathe water.

"Oh god... I thought they'd never leave!"

I shrugged as my and Questions fishing poles did a fusion dance to become Mister Mxyzptlk. Who cracked his back as he returned to normal.

"Never doing that one again... Everything smells fishy." Said Mxy with a faux barf... Said barf was composed of fish shaped bubbles and a one eyed Velociraptor named Kevin who ran off into the woods... I know his name was Kevin because as he ran he said...

"Hi I'm Kevin, Okay Bye!"

...

I didn't question it... And neither did the Question. Trickster didn't notice... Croc meanwhile. Well, Croc was still new to all this.

...

"Was that a Dinosaur?"

"That was Kevin." said the Trickster.

"Yeah what are ya deaf?" I asked.

...

"This is my life now isn't it."

"It was always your life, you just now are aware of it." said the Question.

Judging by the look on Croc's face... that didn't help as much as I think it should have. 

* * *

This isn't so bad. School I mean. It's just a whole lot of… learning. TV kinda gave me the impression it was like a soap opera, but nothing interesting was happening. No grand breakups, no teenage drama, no secrets being shouted, and most disappointingly of all no Jason Voorhes, which was a real bummer… I wanted to get his autograph. Lazuli and I didn't even have the same classes, so that sucks. Still, I can deal. I'm an adaptable kinda guy, I think… I wonder if Dr. Gero installed an adaptor… I'll ask Cell later, he might know.

"Out of my way barf bag!" Screamed a small bald kid who ran past me.

…

Wonder what that was about? Eh not like it's any of my business...I wonder when lunch is… I'm starving.

Oh hey, it's Superboy… I'm gonna go say hi.

"Hi!" I said as I stopped before Superboy.

He eyed me strangely.

…

"Hi Lapis…"

…

…

Well this is awkward.

"Oh, Hi Lapis!"

Oh hey… it's M'gann. I'm gonna say Hi.

"Hi…"

"So how is your first day so far?" She asked.

"S'alright. I had some girls who keep biting their lips and staring at me intensely, and one of then sniffed my hair… but other than that I've been fine."

…

…

I wonder why M'gann looks like she swallowed a lemon. Or like her brain forgot how to brain properly….

"When is lunch?" I asked.

M'gann, who snapped from her daze, winced.

"Ummm… Lapis… lunch was two hours ago."

…

I hate schools.

* * *

School was bullshit… that pretty much sums up my opinions on the subject. Superboy and M'gann - mostly M'gann- were so sickeningly sweet at the Mountain that I assumed it would be worse at school… thankfully I was wrong, which was a pleasant surprise. I wasn't really paying attention to where I was going… Classes were soon to start again, and I was dreading the next bell… then as I rounded the corner a small little shit bumped into me. I didn't so much as lose my balance. I am an Android after all.

"Watch it snot for brains." Said the… short little bastard.

"Nice insult, you get that one from a Saturday morning cartoon or are you just that deliberately juvenile?"

This kid was bald, and kinda midget-y. He was wearing the school uniform… but had a dark green jacket and a pair of goggles on his bald little head. He looked up at me with absolute hate… before his eyes focused on my face… and just widened.

"Oh… um… sorry, I was in a rush."

Interesting change in demeanor. Is that a blush I see on his cheeks.. He is kinda cute in this light. He got up and brushed himself off… as a mechanical tendril connected to a camera came out of his backpack to look him over, then it retracted back in.

…

"The hell was that?" I asked.

"Oh, that's my Seerbot. I built it for my Vlog, well my future Vlog… I think I need to rework its A.I. though, keeps coming out all the time, sorry about that. I haven't seen you around here… names Mikron O'Jeneus II, but everyone calls me Gizmo."

I raised a brow as he presented his hand for a shake. Against my better judgement… I shook it.

"Lazuli McSplice… don't ask about the name."

He smiled… adorably.

"My name is Mikron O'Jeneus II… I Wouldn't dream of it."

Maybe school wasn't so bad after all. 

* * *

"YEAH SUCK ON THAT QUESTION! I CAUGHT A FUCKING TIRE! AND BONUS POINTS, IT'S ATTACHED TO A FERRARI!"

"What are the chances?" asked Killer Croc, who was next to the Question standing near a massive pile of fish and scarfing them down.

"Aw man… Another shark!" said the Trickster.

"No seriously what are the chances?"

"50/50." said the Question as he caught YET ANOTHER BASS!

"How do ya figure?"

"Either you catch a ferrari, or you don't. Therefore your chances are 50/50."

"Yeah Croc, that's just math." said the Trickster.

…

"I don't think it is." said Croc.

…

"Guys... My Moth brain instincts are tingling." I siad.. Feeling an odd chill.

"What is it?" asked Q.

" I have the strangest urge to punch short bald people in the face… maybe I should pay Lex a visit… it is time for a meeting I believe." 

* * *

Meanwhile… in the Metropolis Subway, stepping out of a secret door to Hell, came a green clad figure who brushed the brimstone from his insect themed costume.

"That is the LAST time I'm staying there. Terrible service. I am so going to give the Infernal Pits a bad review. Oh hey… what's this?"

I picked up the convenient New Paper which should help advance the plot. In my experience that's how it works. Let's see… Cell Cures Cancer… I thought Cancer was cells? Oh wait… Cell is a person… a bug person… neat... What else. Alien invasion… no reported deaths… huh, that's neat. Something something something… WHAT!

"PSYCHEDELIC ROCK OFF WITH UNCLE SAM AND A VAMPIRE… AND I MISSED IT…"

Well That just will not do. Who is this Cell character anyways… hold on, let me read the previous chapter.

…

...

Well that was interesting to behold. Still, this Cell character is starting to muscle in on my shtick… breaking narrative causality like this is what I do best… wait… oh I get it now. He's my Nemesis... I think, I'm sure it's something like that. I'll assume nemesis.

"Looks like the Ambush Bug finally has a nemesis."

I've always wanted a nemesis.


	31. An Ambush and a Goddamn Waste of Time

**A/N: **I warn you... Shit is gong to get really Meta.  
**  
An Ambush and a Goddamn Waste of Time**

Metropolis, city of tomorrow, and home of Superman, and Lex Luthor, whose office I was planning on barging into. I don't know why I have the urge to punch a short bald person in the face, but I'll settle for messing with Lex. Actually I can't think of anyone I know who is both Short and Bald, even the Penguin has hair in this continuity so that can't be it. Maybe something is going on with Lapis or Lazuli that involves a short bald guy who must be punched…. I hope Lapis isn't getting bullied… mostly for the bullies sake, especially if said bully is a short bald kid…. Or maybe…

"AMBUSH!"

*_pop_*

aaaaaand I exploded.

…

Ok so after growing back from my impromptu spontaneous combustion, I looked to where most of me used to be… and I saw a man dressed as a Bug standing where I was walking. He was covered in Cell Gore and looked at me with crossed arms and a tapping foot.

"Took you long enough. I expected a much faster Regeneration, I mean Wolverine woulda healed from that 0.03 microseconds ago."

…

"Did you just... telefrag me?"

The guy looked to me, and put his fists to his hips dramatically. I don't know what it was… but he seemed very familiar, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

"Is that what it's called when you teleport and occupy the same spot someone else once was, causing them to explode?

"...Yes."

"I always wondered what that was called, then Yes! I telefragged you! Beware Cell, my nemesis, for your archfoe the Mighty Ambush Bug is here!"

Oooooooh Shit it's Ambush Bug.

…

"Oooooooh Shit Indeed! That is what I said."

"Riveting, so what are you doing here anyway? Shouldn't you be somewhere else dealing with a Sentient sock or Giant Koala right about now?"

"Well… Normally yes, but you have messed with the narrative, and you look like a bug, I know what you are Cell, you're like some kind of Nega Bizzarro Reverse-Ambush Bug from the Antimatter Mirror Dimension!"

This also sounds familiar ...Oh right.

"OK , first of all, that is five different mirror counterparts, which comes out with a positive…."

"Oh crap you're right!"

"Second, how do you know I'm not just you in this dimension, Huh? Can't you see Ambush Bug, I'm you!"

The Ambush Bug gasped at my declaration. He stumbled back dramatically as he clenched a nearby Stop sign in the exact same pose as Luke Skywalker when Darth Vaser revealed he was his Father... I think I know where this is going... and I approve.

"No.. That can't be true. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Search your feelings you know it to be true!"

"You even completed the Star Wars reference! YOU ARE ME!"

"Yes, I mean You have Superman, Superboy-Prime, Ultraman, Superman Red Son, and that's what I am A.B. I'm alternate universe you in this universe…. OoOoOoOoOhhh!." I said while wiggling my fingers mystically… Shut up it's a thing,

"I will not Shut up, and I admit that does make some sense and.. wait a minute… You're Cell from Dragon Ball Z!"

...

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are!"

"Nu uh!"

"Uh huh!"

"Prove it!"

"Fine…"

…

He's got nothing. He's barely aware of his own reality there is no way he knows jack about the insane world of Dragonball Z. I could do this. I'll just convince him that I am him and he'll be on his merry way and let me do to this universe what he would probably do... give or take a few things... He doesn't strike me as the kinda guy to have a grand plan or anything like that. Of course for all I know he could have a 12th Level intelect but I doubt it.

"Say how do androids taste?"

"Hm, oh chalky and a bit…. Oh sonofabitch!"

Oh he's good.

"I KNEW IT!" Screamed Ambush Bug.

*_pop_*

Then he disappeared.

…

…

Is this going anywhere? I normally would assume it was, but with Ambush Bug involved anything could happen… probably something stupid.

**A/N**:Ow!

…

What the hell was that?

*_pop_*

Before I could contemplate further, the incredibly handsome Ambush Bug reappeared before me…. Wait why did I think of him as incredibly Handsome? Oh shit what did he do?

"What did I do?… I have the high ground." Said Ambush Bug as he suddenly stood on top of a much taller mountain that literally wasn't there a second ago… I swear I am not making this up, he's standing on top of a small Mountain that was NOT there a moment ago… pretty sure I would have seen that.. I was looking at him before a mountain was there… then just… Oh hey I have a mountain now… just… Wat!?

How in the fuck? What was going on right now? This doesn't make sense even if he were abusing the fourth wall of a comic book reality.

"I'll tell you what is going on. This isn't JUST a comic book Reality Cell."

"Wait are you hearing my thoughts?"

"Of course not, I'm reading the story as it is being written. You see I've been reading this Fanfic…"

"Wait this is a fan fic?" I asked before Ambush Bug Continued.

"I know your powers Cell, so I have hijacked this story and am holding the writer hostage...And I have learned your weakness."

...

"What are you talking about, I have no weak.."

It was at this point Ambush Bug pulled out a flashlight and shined me in the eyes.

…

…

Heh Pretty lights are Pretty!

...

*_pop_*

Then I exploded again.

I regenerated from the second telefragging of today. Really most people are lucky to experience a single Telefrag, not many get the opportunity to get two. That said… This was getting out of hand. Cell is confused, and HE WANTS ANSWERS DAMMIT!

"OK stop! What is going on?"

**A/N**: You sure you wanna know? Cause it's really meta.

"AND WHAT IS THAT!"

"That Cell… is the Author of this story, I have taken him hostage."

"Oh… How?"

"I… Don't know."

…

"Seems legit."

**A/N**: Just go with it.

Huh… I think that I should just go with it…. WAIT A SECOND!

"Hold the phone, time out… are we really going this Meta right now?" I asked.

**A/N**: Yeah… is that a problem?

"I mean it fits with the theme so far. You've been meta already, so I had to be EVEN MORE meta because I'm canonically a Meta guy." said Ambush Bug.

…

"You know what ... Fine, but I need some context here or I'm leaving.

**A/N**: Not if I say you don't.

"Oh fuck you who ever you are… Wait aren't you me?"

**A/N**: Well… no SI is really a perfect representation of their character. Humans tend to have an inflated view of themselves, or at least a biased one, but… yeah Basically I'm you.

"And the Ambush Bug is holding me… you hostage right?"

**A/N**: Well… not really. I'm sitting in a room right now drinking a Red Bull. I can't write stuff that happens in reality, but I can say that I am being held hostage by the Ambush Bug and as far as the readers are concerned I am… So no I'm not, but I will write as if I were. I like to think there is a fictional version of me being forced to write whatever Ambush Bug wants.

"Dude… You're making me look bad… Just say I am holding you hostage." said Ambush Bug.

**A/N**: Fine, you're holding me hostage, happy?

"Are you… typing all this right now?" I asked… I being Cell.

**A/N**: I've been writing this whole story, so yeah… why?

"...Do you do Drugs? Because it would make a lot of sense for all the bullshit I have had to deal with."

**A/N**: You know I get that a lot.

"Ok, I love how that doesn't answer my question at all, so let's move on to say that I have other much more important questions…"

**A/N**: *_Sigh_* Of course you do. 

* * *

"Ok…" I said… still kinda confused… also I being Cell… again. "... SO let me see if I can get this straight, you wrote me to be able to use the fourth wall to my advantage by weaponizing Comic Book tropes, but Ambush Bug… because He's Ambush Bug gets to know he's in a fanfic to differentiate his Meta Awareness from mine… but now I AM aware so… Wait…"

**A/N**: Go on Cell… I believe in you. Use your brain.

"Oh fuck you!... Me... Whatever."

"I'm still here by the way… can we get back to the fight or what. Cause I've always wanted someone to figure that I should be capable of Telefragging and I finally get the chance, and you're arguing with yourself over there." said Ambush Bug.

**A/N**: Maybe this is a bit too far…

"Ya Think!" I screamed… again I being not writer Cell.

**A/N**: Ok so I'll get back to the fight… did we forget anything?

"I got one… Why Cell?"

**A/N**: Huh?

"Why am I Cell in the DC Universe?"

**A/N**: Oh because I thought it would be cool. Plus I needed someone powerful enough whose abilities also could lend itself to humor. Cell won out. Plus there is a startling lack of Imperfect Cell in fiction and I wanted to be the guy who did it first. Also kinda hoping I get a TV Tropes page for this fic.

"So… No reason then? Other than stupidity, hubris, and ego?"

**A/N**: Initially no reason, but I have added Lapis and Lazuli to the story, so that's something more DBZ-y than would otherwise be in this fic... Also Fuck you, you have the same traits.

I shrugged… I guess he had a point there… hold on a tick of a tock... ARE YOU MAKING ME AGREE WITH YOU?

**A/N**: I just want to move on to the next part. Can we please stop referring to me, I'm not supposed to be in the story… except as Cell…. Or something.

"Well you should have thought about that before you started typing!" said Ambush Bug pointing at the writer in another dimension that wasn't made up of text… to my knowledge. Actually, I should take advantage of this… again I being Cell.

"Wait… Before you go… You owe me man."

**A/N**: No I don't.

"You really do. I'm the one who has to deal with all this stupid shit, you're just sitting being comfortable and shit… well no more. I want something to show for it." I said… I who is Cell.

**A/N**: Fine… what do you want?

"... Clothes beam."

**A/N**: Wait… that's it?"

"Yep, I want the clothes beam."

**A/N**: I never really intended you to have it this soon. I was going to have you annoy Dr. Fate into giving it to you.

"Well I want it now, so give it to me!"

**A/N**: Fine, you have it… however I changed things a bit… It's not called the Clothes Beam or Magic Materialization any more.

"What is it called then?"

…

…

"Writer? You there?"

"Well great, you scared off my… I MEAN YES MY HOSTAGE GRANTS ME POWER!" screamed Ambush Bug.

I pointed at him. And began shooting Ki. He tanked it like a BOSS… Wait what… He is Not A BOSS! STOP WRITING THAT!

*_pop_*

So I got telefragged again… Lovely that was.

"Yeah, I'm gonna punch you now!" said the handsome Ambush Bug.

… Ugh, again with the handsome. This was beyond annoying to deal with.

"A punch from you isn't going to do MuuuUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"IT CAN WHEN I KIDNAP THE WRITER!"

…

…

Fuck today.

So I flew through the sky past the moon… somehow…. How did he….?

"Writer!" screamed surprize Ambush Bug Next to me who punched me in the face back to the earth.

Ok I'm not sure how he said that in space, seeing as there is a distinct lack of air in space to vibrate the necessary air molecules to make audible sound but then again… Ambush Bug… nuff said. Thankfully I managed to start flying to not splatter on the ground… Ambush bug though…. well...

*_pop_*

"That's Not…"

*_pop_*

"... fair at all…"

If it isn't clear what he's doing. Since Ambush Bug can't fly, but can teleport, he is teleporting above me, talking while he falls, and teleporting back up… rinse and repeat to have a pseudo-continuous conversation. I guess it's technically flying… actually I'm gonna call it Sustained Falling…. Or teleflying.

*_pop_*

"I call it…."

*_pop_*

"..Flyporting…"

Actually that's not bad. I'm gonna call it that from now on... assuming I remember that is.

*_pop_*

"Can you just…."

*_pop_*

"...Get back on the…."

*_pop_*

"...Ground."

*_pop_*

*_pop_*

...

*_pop_*

"No."

This was amusing. I think I'll just stay where I…*_pop_*... I FUCKING EXPLODED AGAIN!

So I regenerated and was laying on the top of a skyscraper… kinda lost as to why Superman hasn't shown up yet. Most of the populous weren't even phased by our battle. Just business as usual… actually now that I think about it.. Ambush Bug first was a Superman Villain before becoming what… well if you're being generous he's technically a hero… Either way it's possible Metropolis is used to characters like the Ambush Bug, which might explain why Supes isn't quite as phased as everyone else by my antics, and even humor me with the FALCON PUNCH!

"HOW DARE YOU MAKE SUPERMAN SCREAM THAT! I WANTED TO DO THAT!"

*_pop_*

Telefragged again…. Regenerate again… Get ticked off A-FUCKING-GAIN!

"Yeah that sounds like your problem." said Ambush Bug.

"You know… You're starting to make me angry. I know you have Dumb Luck as a superpower, but peoples Luck tends to run out around me."

"Please, I've done Karaoke with Darkseid, you think you can wield Canon, but I was born into it, raised by it, made AMBUSH BUG by it."

Canon?

Oh wait a minute.. Cannon! Yes I have an idea!

…

I smiled.

"Really? Say A.B. Mind telling me your complicated Backstory?"

"What right now?"

"Well obviously I can't do much… Humor me, c'mon monologue a bit.?"

Ambush Bug smiled and resumed a standard Hero Pose.

"You see Cell, Brum-El of the planet Schwab sent his clothes from his supposedly doomed planet, hoping that his wardrobe would survive. Of course the planet wasn't doomed, and he was left naked as a result. However his clothes rocketed through space and were intercepted by a Giant Radioactive Space Spider, and landed on earth where I Irwin Schwab found them and…"

"Fashion Cannon!"

The beam exploded from my fingers to hit Ambush Bug in the chest… Immediately his Costume flew right off and was replaced by a Spicy Salsa dress, Sombrero, and Hockey Mask. You know… I knew that if I had the Clothes Beam or whatever, and were to rename it… It would have to be suitably appropriate.

I grabbed the Ambush Bugs clothes off the ground as he continued his monologue… completely unaware.

"... Of course I can't take the costume off, because the Zipper is stuck so it didn't matter... Anyway, then the Sock came to life as the fiendish Argh! Yle!, who is my Arch Nemesis…. Until you became the Reverse Flash to my Flash and… what's that in your hands?"

"I believe that your zipper finally got unstuck." I said as I unfolded his costume, and the source of all his powers.

He blinked before nodding.

…

"Well played Cell well Played."

"Thank you." I said as I tossed the costume back to him.

"Thanks…. So… I guess you win."

"Guess I do, so what now?"

"Well… I suppose two Fourth Wall breaking insect themed guys isn't too bad… You'll be the Batman to my Superman."

He removed his... Well I covered my eyes because I didn't want to see him naked, but reguardless he managed to get the costume back on... wait what did he say?

"Wait I have actual Superpowers without a suit, why do you get to be Superman!?"

"Because I was here first." said the incredible Ambush Bug.

"Dammit…. I wanted to be Superman." I said petulantly.

"Tough luck…. So I guess we'll never speak of this again?" asked the Ruggedly Handsome Ambush Bug.

…

"Will you free the Author now I'm tired of hearing you referred to as handsome?"

"I guess I have to… Well, I'll see you around Cell. This has been a fun waste of time."

"That could be the title of my Auto-Biography."

"Hey mine to...Well, gotta go."

*_pop_*

…

Yep… never gonna mention this again…I'm keeping the Fashion Canon though.

Well, I guess I missed the Lexcorp meeting.. You got off this time Lex, but you won't be so lucky next time… I suppose Batman still wants to talk to me about Retconning the Joker… Probably should be responsible and do that I guess.

Man it feels like nothing happened in this chapter… what a horrible finish. 

* * *

Within the collective genome of all of humanity, a new and strange change was taking place. Exotic bio-molecules synthesized from a certain insect bugman had been collecting in the bodies of every single person on the planet. The slow and subtle alteration of existing genes and the repairs of an ancient experiments was slowly but surely creating a change across the entirety of the species Homo Sapiens. While these changes would not be noticed for some time, they had already begun and it was far too late to stop them. Across the world, muscles were being augmented and bones were knit to become denser, stronger, and better. Organs were nourished and strengthened. No major changes were happening, nothing beyond the realms of possibility, but what was there was being improved as slowly, humanity was collectively reaching their peak. Small minute changes that would eventually blossom into something new. Evolution was about to kick into overdrive.

The age of humanity was about to end.

And a new Superhuman epoch was dawning.


	32. EAT A DICK DESTINY!

**EAT A DICK DESTINY!**

So, Batman wanted to talk to me about whatever I did to the Joker. More in depth than what happened before he Peddled away on a makeshift heli-cycle he built from twigs or whatever. I decided to look into that actually. Apparently the Joker was back in Arkham, and people were starting to notice something about him was… off. A news article I found mentioned that once the Joker made it back to Gotham, he stole some rockets and strapped them to a shopping cart to rob a convenience store at roughly Mach 3. Which was impressive considering you can't steer a shopping cart when you're also riding in it.

Either way, the news got out as well as photos that showed a very different looking Joker than usual. People were quite aware of the startling change in appearance and behavior, and theories were about. My personal favorite theory was the idea that the Joker had a mental breakdown, but because he was already crazy, he actually became marginally more sane… marginally. A lot of people actually seemed to like the lack of brutal murders that in all honesty were never really funny to begin with.

Anyway, I was back at Mt. Justice… waiting for Batman. Question, Trickster, and I already came up with a cover story, though I have no doubt that the Trickster messed it up gloriously. I'm still going to be as infuriatingly mysterious as I can to the Bat. Much potential LULZ that way… I do enjoy deliberately screwing with people, just to see how far I can go before someone calls me out on it… Anyway, I teleported into the Mountains standard lounge area… and here we see the Superboy in his natural habitat, sitting on the couch whilst watching television static… such a majestic creature.

"You do know that's just static right?"

"Yep." He replied without sparing me a glance.

…

Fair enough I suppose.

"Sooooo how are things?" I asked.

Superboy shrugged.

"Same. Just waiting for the next mission."

"Neat."

He shrugged.

…

"Anything happen at school?"

"Normal stuff. Lapis has fangirls by the way. At least that's what Megan said."

"Well… that's… huh… I probably should have expected that."

He is a textbook Bishonen and is just so goddamn precious that this was bound to happen…

Superboy shrugged.

"If you say so."

"What about Lazuli?"

"Don't know."

…

My Big Brother senses are tingling… or maybe the TV static is getting to me. Pretty sure Superboy watching it right now is the beginning of some deranged creepypasta. Probably one with some overly complicated title like 'I saw Hell in the Television Static, and now they're coming for my Soul' or something along those lines… I used to like Creepypasta, but these days they don't have titles any more… they have descriptions…

"You know, I think this is a rerun." I said.

"Nah, they're just reusing plot points." Said Superboy.

...

What a magical journey we're about to go on.

"I missed last week's episode… mind filling me in, because I'm lost."

Again… we were watching TV static. I'm starting to think I'm having an influence on people around me.

"Well, Snow is lost in a Blizzard while White Noise and Static are looking for him. Crackle is sick and everyone is afraid he might not make it. Signal Lost is watching all this happens because he wants Snow dead so he can have White Noise for himself. Crackle is the only one who knows Signal Lost planned this, but the fever makes it where he has difficulty concentrating."

…

Like I said… magical journey. Fun and jazzy times all around.

"Well Obviously, that's a given. Should have noticed that from the context."

"This show can be subtle when it wants to be, but we're mid season, so they're just trying to rush to the season finale."

…

I should hang out with Superboy more often… speaking of which.

"Why is our holes still in the wall from the Fearvasion?"

Superboy shrugged.

"One of the Green Lanterns was supposed to fix it… don't know why they haven't."

Huh… must be busy.

"Cell." Said SURPRISE Batman.

I… actually didn't jump this time… I was expecting it… Superboy on the other hand.

"GAH! DON'T DO THAT!"

Batman said nothing, just looked at me as I shrugged and stood up. Brushing off my suit.

"Hey Bats, why are there still holes in the wall?"

"Normal repairs of this magnitude require Green Lanterns, however all Green Lanterns have been requested to return to Oa."

"Why?"

"The League is not privy to that information. Follow me."

I shrugged and followed Batsy to a mostly abandoned room. Two chairs and a table… this is an interrogation room isn't it?

I took my seat, while Batman continued to stand.

"I want you to walk me through everything that happened."

"Well, in the beginning the Universe was nothing. It was so Nothing that neither Space or time existed yet. Then a spontaneous event known as the big bang…"

"Cell… Don't." Warned the Batman.

"You really should have caught on by now that I don't know what I'm saying! I never know what I'm saying!"

"No games. Answers."

"Fine party pooper. We were fishing, it was the Tricksters idea. The Joker came out to start beef when Snowflame decided to tackle me so hard, he created mystical cocaine or some other such nonsense that made everyone else high as brontosaurus balls. I used an improvised technique, I call the Ki Clap, to send Snowflame rocketing away, and trapped him under what used to be a mountain."

Batman nodded as he motioned for me to continue.

"I then punched Joker into space… twice."

"That could have killed him."

"Shoulda, woulda, coulda, but it didn't. Anyway I proceeded to me my Very Celly self and Yeet'd like the Meme Lord I am. Yadda yadda yadda, and now the Jokers a clown… more so than before that is."

"What was the inciting incident?"

"I dunno… just kinda happened."

"That's not an answer."

"It is the best I got. I just seem to gain random and strange abilities for seemingly no reason."

"That's not how..."

I pointed to the empty chair.

"Fashion Cannon!"

And now the chair was dressed in four lovely socks, a sweater, and a fairly fashionable scarf. Batman just kinda looked at the clothed chair for a good long minute… then he just walked out the room, not saying a word.

…

Did I Just 'NOPE!' The Batman? 

* * *

So after that noise, I decided to check up on Lapis and Lazuli, see how their first day at school went. I'm certain they have horror tales that will be spoken of in only soft whispers and hushed tones… I can only imagine the multitude of terror and evil they had to…

…

Why is Lazuli smiling like that?

Why is Lazuli frowning like that?

Why is M'gann giggling like that?

Why does Artemis look so damn amused?

How far do I have to take the memes?

"Hi Cell." Said Lazuli with a smile… and a little wave.

…

A non-sarcastic… completely genuine smile… and a cute little wave.

...

"EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE!"

"Everything is a lie."

…

…

Where am I and why is it full of headaches?

No… I'm not joking… one minute I'm in Mt. Justice the next I'm in a… how to describe this place? It's like a Pseudo-Psychedelic landscape of spiders and rainbows with a hint of nutmeg.

"Of course lies can be truths when you think about it."

…

"Hi! Who's there?"

As of summoned by the power of confusion and manic jitters, there is a colorful girl before me dressed far more ostentatiously than any Final Fantasy Character in the history of the series. Despite… or perhaps because of the fact she is in front of me, I can only kinda tell that whoever she is, she is of a vague and variable age, possibly between 12 and 30.

*_poke_*

Her eyes were two different colors that seemed to shift as I tried to focus on them. Her hair was both Half Bald and Half Dreadlock/Curly Mohawk. Each individual strand of hair was every color of the rainbow and other colors that I'm pretty sure didn't actually exist.

*_poke_*

Her outfit was a patchwork of different styles from across history that both did not match and yet matched perfectly… Somehow. It seemed to be a blended mess of old Victorian garments with a hint of 60s hippie tie dye, and a streetwalking hooker such as a multicolored fur coat, a Gogo boot on her left foot, and a slipper on her right foot. Also a lot of fishnet.

*_poke_*

…

Also she was poking me in the face with a stick.

*_poke_*

…

"So… on a scale of 1 to 10… how fascinating is my face?"

"I would rate it a solid Gobi Desert out of Hamburger."

*_poke_*

"Sure you wouldn't rate it as Rhinoceros instead?" I asked.

"Don't be silly! That's not a statistic Mr. McSplice."

?

*_poke_*

…

"You're Delirium of the Endless aren't you?"

"Cat scratch!"

And now it's raining cats.

"Well that answers that question."

Then the Realm shifted into an expanse of much less... Confusion. More like a labyrinthine maze of... well it's a maze so I guess it was the Legendary Labyrinthine Maze of FUCKING LOST... or something like that...

*_poke_*

I wonder if I can find a Minotaur here.

"You're not in my book."

I turned to the voice that spoke from everywhere to see…

…

…

"Master Obi Wan?"

"I am Destiny."

"I didn't know you were a stripper."

Destiny is a very VERY stripper'y name, I wonder if anyone else made the connection.

"Take off the robes spicy boy, we'll make it rain!"

*_poke_*

"That is also not in the book."

The cloaked figure of Destiny walked/floated over to me. Just kinda… staring at his own book.

"I called you here because I can't find you in the Book of Souls."

*_poke_*

"Your Orange-y moth part thingy is squishy." Said Delirium.

…

"ummmm, why is..."

"I'm watching her while Barnabas is away… Death is making me do it. Family bonding she calls it." Said Destiny.

"Ok that explains that."

*_poke_*

"As I was saying, you aren't in my book, and then you change the destiny of the one known as the Joker, and now everything I did before needs to be retroactively altered."

"Yeah, that sounds like a you problem."

"Fate must past as it is written."

"Except when it changes?" I asked.

"If it was fated to change, then yes."

"So… shit happens?"

"It usually does." Said Delirium.

"Yes, I am aware there are things not written in my book, please do not point it out Delirium."

"There is things not written in your book." I said.

…

What? He didn't say I couldn't point it out.

*_poke_*

"I have the oddest feeling you're going to make things difficult for me."

"Gasp! He does know everything!"

"As expected. I can take comfort that even without you in my book, you are at the very least predictable."

"_Bitch say what!_" We said simultaneously.

…

"_Are you copying me?_" We said simultaneously again.

…

…

"Well played Destiny… well played."

Destiny nodded as he opened his massive Great Big Book of Everything.

*_poke_*

"Your existence has not been recorded, and nothing you do gets recorded. Thus far, I am only able to read of you through your interactions with others who are in my book."

"Neat!"

"The same is true of your siblings, I am speaking to them as well."

"The Android Boy is oblivious to my checking out his Perpetual Motion Generator." Said Delirium.

Yeah… sounds about right… Actually…

*_poke_*

"Did he bring it up in the conversation?" I asked.

Destiny nodded.

"The boy Lapis seems to be under the impression that his Perpetual Heart is what makes him incapable of being recorded."

"It's not… flows good though." Said Delirium.

"Good to know."

"And it will never stop." Said Delirium happily.

"That is kinda the point of the word perpetual."

"Perpetually punctual, never late always going and going and going. Tick tock goes the clock, his heart just won't stop."

"If we can get back on track." Said Destiny.

"That is literally the opposite of my function." Said Delirium, who decided to stop poking me for a minute.

"She has a point you know." I said.

"Please don't do that." asked Destiny... which really was a poorly thought out request on his part.

*_poke_*

"I make no promise where abstract entities are involved. You can't tell me what to do. I don't believe in Destiny." I said crossing my arms and getting poked by a stick being held by the personification of insanity and madness.

"I'm standing in front of you." said Destiny.

"Prove it!"

…

*_poke_*

…

"I'm standing in front of you."

"Or are you a hallucination brought on by Snowflame Cocaine?"

"I like that idea better." Said Delirium.

"Thank you Delirium. See, she gets it."

"Please do not encourage her, now then, lets see what it is that makes you incapable of being recorded."

"I'm magic… duh."

Destiny approached me waving a chained hand over my head.

"You're not wrong, but not right either." He said as I…

…

Oh hey I was back in the mountain. That's nice. Lapis and Lazuli were also here, and looked very confused. M'Gann and Artemis however seem to have not noticed anything change.

"What was that?" Asked Lapis.

"Huh? What was what?" asked Artemis.

Lazuli was looking around cautiously as well. just as fucking confused as Lapis was. I honestly don't know what was so confiusing.

"What's wrong?" Asked M'gann.

"I think I just…" said Lazuli before I interrupted to get back on track of the the much more important thing going on.

"Obi Wan Kenobi summoned us to be Jedi or something. More important question, WHAT HAPPENED AT SCHOOL!?"

This was a much more pressing issue… and one I could actually do something about without having to deal with a nebulous cosmic entity. Plus… I really didn't care what the gods wanted to do about whatever anyway. Literally cannot find any fucks to give about that.

"Oh, I made a friend." Said Lazuli with a smile.

This was much more pertinent information than whatever Obi Wan wanted.

"Who?"

"His name is Mikron, but everyone at school calls him Gizmo." Said M'gann.

…

Oh… goodie. Wait… it could be another Gizmo… like…. Another Gizmo. It's a common nickname. Yeah, probably just another person with an entirely coincidental nickname that had no bearing on evil Child Geniuses… right?

"Is this Gizmo short, bald, wears green, and has the vocabulary of a teenage delinquent raised on PG cartoon movies that couldn't use cursing but really REALLY wanted to and thus had to improvise?" I asked rapidly.

"Well…. Yeah that sums up his trash talk rather well actually." Said Artemis.

"That a problem?" Asked Lazuli with crossed arms and an annoyed expression.

"I'M A KILL IT!"

I screamed as the world turned into a Fever Dream again because Fucking Endless! Oh and now we're in the damn mase of wandering again. Tan-Fucking- Fastic.

*_poke_*

"Hi again!" Said Delirium.

"Yeah, this is gonna be a thing isn't it?"

…

*_poke_*

"Fantastic then, happy to be apart of it!"

Destiny once again reapeared before me, holding his free hand that wasn't chained to his book to his chin in contemplation or... something. I don't know most of his face was covered, how was I supposed to know what he was thinking/feeling.

"That did nothing. Lets try something else." Said Destiny.

"Try what? What the hell is going on? Cause I got a midget to kill and/or maim… huh… you know out of context that sounds horrible."

"It sounds just as bad in context, now hold still." Said Destiny as he put his hand over my head and…. Nope! Instant Transmission.

Ok back in the mountain, gotta find a small Einstein and punch him in the face to get rid of that goddamn creeping feeling in my brain and…

*_poke_*

…

"Hello again." Said Delirium.

"We can try this all day you know." Said Destiny.

"I WILL BURN YOUR FUCKING BOOK!"

"You couldn't if you tried."

"IF I HAD A DICK, I WOULD PISS ON IT THEN!"

"Then it is lucky for me you are anatomically incorrect."

…

…

"Fine… what are you trying to do?" I asked as I plopped my not-ass on the marble/furry ground.

"I'm attempting to add you and your siblings to the Book of Destiny, and should the book will it, we will never meet again."

"He's writing a fanfic about you." Said Delirium.

…

"That never happened, do NOT bring it up please."

Delirium quirked her head and just stared at me blankly with her mismatched eyes.

"Bring what up?"

"Exactly." I said proudly.

"If we can move on now, I'd like to try something else."

"Nope! We've already established you don't exist…"

"That was never established." Interrupted Destiny… I lost no steam

"... Therefore I cannot be screwed with by something that doesn't exist. Good Day Un-Person." I said as I instant transmission'd again and…

*_poke_*

"You'll get it eventually." Said Delirium.

…

…

*_poke_*

…

…

"Fucking Gods."

"But Zeus isn't here." Said Delirium.

…

I will admit I LOL'D at that one a bit. Didn't last long however since Destiny once again floated towards me tondo his freaky Fate stuff.

"If we can get on with this, it will end much sooner."

"... I hate you."

Destiny nodded.

"I know."

Fuckin' Smartass.

"Here's a thought… what if you can't put me in your stupid book?"

"Worst case scenario, I unmake you."

…

"Well this got dark."

"And your siblings."

…

…

"FINAL FLASH!"

"GALICK GUN!"

"KAMEHAMEHA!"

"SPECIAL BEAM CANNON!"

"FUCKING EVERYTHING!"

Spectral essences flowed from my palms and fingertips as I released more than enough energy to turn most everything around me into a sea of unchallenged chaos and untold destruction. My mind a haze of just pure unadulterated rage as I poured my everything into the resulting light show. It was quite brilliant and spectacular to behold. For a brief second, all around us was an endless field of high energy soul fire that in any normal circumstances would have destroyed… maybe a Galaxy. Give or take. I poured just about everything I had into my attacks without risking my own soul and blasted it all in Destiny's fucking face.

Even after the attack, all that remained was bright light that swallowed the surrounding landscape and beyond into endless illuminated vistas of blinding radiance and a gleaming glare of such brilliance that even my own retinas were burned to cinders from witnessing it. As my optic nerves regrow, I beheld only the infinite glow of my Ki.

*_poke_*

"Well the good news is you got him." Said Delirium… who was right next to me looking over the sea of spiritual fire.

"Huh!?" I said in my delirious state of utter tiredness and exhaustion.

"The bad news is you didn't actually do anything. Would you like a Lollipop?" She asked as she handed me a… lollipop.

…

…

Oh right I just unloaded Galaxy busting levels of Ki into a Cosmic Entity's face and now have no energy to spare... Well… shit.

"If you're done with your tantrum, we can get started." Said Destiny… who was completely fine… not even a little dusty from all that. I… was almost completely drained of energy. I was breathing very VERY heavily, and all my hearts were racing a mile a minute.

"Wha... buh… but I…" oh and there goes consciousness…

This can only end well.

...

*_poke_*


	33. When Gods Waste Time

**When Gods Waste Time**

*_poke_*

So I woke up in a mysterious dark corner in a dark room that was probably itself located in the darkest corner of the universe that was also located in the darkest corner of the multiverse… it was Dark ok!

*_poke_*

Well at least I wasn't alone.

"Hello Delirium."

"Shooting soul lasers probably wasn't your best course of action. Should have taken a shortcut to find a better action, I'm partial to the Expendables movies myself."

That made sense.

"Good to know… also Ow! My everything."

"You almost shot your soul out of your hands. If it makes you feel any better that might actually have left him a bit sore if you did. You'd be a hopping vampire though and would get smacked in the face by a monkey."

That one… huh that one actually did make sense with proper context.

"Where is he anyway?"

"Everywhere."

Oh great…. Another Smart Ass.

"Asses don't think silly… except for dinosaurs. They had butt brains."

"They sure did, so any suggestions on how I can get out of this mess. The complete and utter cessation of existence sounds supremely dull."

"I'd go with talking with him. You're not the first thingy that isn't in his book. Normally he ignores them like mom ignores me…"

Aww, I'm sad now.

"...but you did mess up a lot of stuff. He's not used to it though. If it makes you feel any better I like you. You're silly."

"That does make me feel better…. Thanks."

"Tea?" Asked Delirium as she handed me a… well It's technically a cup… but I feel like calling this abomination a cup is just… wrong somehow.

"... Sure." I said taking the… tea.

I took a sip and…

"Spiffing good cup of Yorkshire that is…. Am I British?"

"I used essence of Britain Stereotype in the brew."

"I have the sudden urge to rule the world and put Sean Connery in a colourful deathtrap of jolly good design."

"So that's why that guy changed his name to Dr. No… huh." Said Delirium as she took a sip.

"I do hope this wears off eventually." I said.

"For you… it could." Said Delirium.

"Jolly good."

"You drank the tea didn't you." Said Destiny as he just kinda… was next to me.

Seriously he wasn't there… and then he was.

"Ah, greetings my good sir, I don't suppose I can convince you to change your mind? Perhaps a nice conversation over a cup of tea and a marmalade sandwich."

"I don't know."

"Oh come now, I'm sure we can work something out my boy."

"You don't understand. I don't know if you could convince me, it is frustrating."

"Well what if I were to tell you that I am in fact your long lost brother…. Ummm….Discord, mmm.. Yes Discord of the Endless. Chaos personified that is. Chaos by its very nature is random and unpredictable. Hence why I am not in the book."

"If you were of the Endless, your tantrum would have actually hurt me. Regardless I would know if you were one of us."

Bugger all.

"Lies won't work. Only truth will set you free." Said Delirium as she took another sip.

"Well things not written in your book have happened before. You need look no closer than your own sister here… even you don't know what made her as she is now."

"Events are one thing, you are a whole entity who meddles with predestination and choice alike with reckless abandon. You stole that from the Joker. You cannot possibly comprehend how many lives you have changed by doing so."

"Oh bugger me, you're right. Barbara Gordon will probably walk forever and Jason Todd will never become the Red Hood. Oh how evil I must be to save them from their predestined lives of suffering."

"To live is to suffer and from suffering comes hope. Despair sought to create despair by having Krypton be seeded with life even though it is, will be, and always was doomed. A single survivor from that untold level of despair became the one you know as Superman, from such despair comes hope. From the destruction of Batgirl comes the creation Oracle. It is not up to us to judge, only act in accordance with our nature."

…

"You've thought hard about this haven't you?"

"Ceaselessly. I do not wish to wipe you from existence. Merely ensure that Destiny and Choice remains. I will not let you take that away. I am very close to exhausting all options, but thus far I cannot fit you into the book. If this continues, I can only offer you my apologies and nothing more."

…

"What if it is my Destiny NOT to be in the Book of Souls?"

…

…

"I had not considered that."

There it is… maybe I can use this to get out of this situation.

"Let's find out." Said Destiny as he lifted his head up.

The world literally melted. The seems of reality unraveled into a ceaseless world of ticks and tocks. Sand and hourglasses surrounded by a recursive reality of gears and mechanical clockwork surrounded by sands and hourglasses surrounded by gears and Clockwork ad infinitum.

Above them all was an Old Bastard of such old bastardry that he could only be Time itself… and now he was a baby Bastard… lovely.

"Hello Destiny, nice of you to visit…. Delirium." Greeted Time who pointedly ignored Delirium who was off to the side… minding her own business.

What a dick.

"Hi bro."

"Hi Lapis… LAPIS! YOU'RE HERE!" I screamed as I pulled Lapis into a hug.

"Can't… breathe."

"Oh… sorry." I said... Somewhat bashful as I let him go.

"Please don't kill our Brother Cell." Said Lazuli.

"LAZULI!" I screamed as… Lazuli put her hand up.

"Hug me and then even you won't be able to heal from what I do to you." Said Lazuli.

I smiled.

"Love you to Sis!"

"Destiny…" said Time, interrupting the reunion. "... Who are these people?"

"I have come with a query. I seek council."

Time… froze as he turned to Destiny.

"Please don't tell me you want something now? You were yhe only one I liked." Said the Dickhead.

"Merely another viewpoint."

"Hold on, wait a tick. I may never get this opportunity again, so I have something to say!" I screamed to butt in on the conversation.

Time looked at me… and just blinked himself middle age.

"What are you?"

"Ok, first… apologize to Delirium. You can at least acknowledged your own kid dickhead."

Consequences? What is that?

"Well… first time for everything I suppose. This is new… definitely new."

"Must not be a very good personification of Time then." Said Lazuli.

Time proceeded to NOT apologize to the cute little ball of crazy playing with spatial-temporal Lego blocks and just stared at me… what a fucker.

"I'm waiting for whatever it is you want to say.."

…

"Wow… don't even pay attention to me why don't you. Fine! How does it feel to be even more of an asshole personification of Time than even Yog-Sothoth?"

…

It's true. Disregarding whatever it was that ended up with Wilbur and his invisible God Twin, Yog-Sothoth… the personification of Spacetime in the FUCKING Cthulhu Mythos was downright pleasant in comparison…. Mind fucks aside. I mean Cthulhu is the grandson of Yog-Sothoth, but he also worships his grandaddy like a god… I don't see Father Time here being worshiped by Gods.

…

"Very new." Said Time.

"Yeah, answer the question."

I'm being a dick to Time himself… cause FUCK TIME and FUCK YOUR NON-LINIER PERCEPTION BITCH! Betcha you're just salty because you can't ever be surprised and no parties will ever be pleasant as a result ya dingus.

"You do know I am Time in all dimensions and universes. That would include Yog-Sothoth."

"Oh Time in all dimensions are you? Is that Figuratively or Literally?" I asked with a smile.

…

"Destiny… where did you find this… thing?"

"On a branch of Earth-16 created when this creature arrived there. This new universe has been dubbed ..."

"Earth of Dimension C-137!" I interrupted.

Because I can get it renamed the universe the same number/designation of the Rick and Morty universe, it will become like… 1000% cooler.

"Never heard of that one." Said Time.

Such a douche.

"It's actually Earth-16 variant 16205." Said Destiny.

"Don't listen to Destiny… he's drunk on spiked Yorkshire Tea. He missed the meeting, it's Earth of Dimension C-137."

"Yeah, I was at the meeting to. Destiny didn't show up." Said Lapis.

Time looked to Lapis then to me through prepubescent eyes before turning his ancient bones towards Destiny.

"Just ask your question Destiny." Said Time.

"Is it possible for someone to be Destined to not be written in the Book of Souls and by adding them to it, I am erasing their true Destiny?"

…

…

"Ask your mother."

"Very Well." Said Destiny as the world melted into FUCKING SPACE!

"STARS ARE EVERYWHERE!" Screamed Lapis.

A giant humanoid shaped entity of Nebula and stars danced a cosmic dance across existence before turning to Destiny. She/It smiled… I think.

"Ah, Hello my child. So good of you to visit."

"Hi mom!" Said Delirium.

"So what brings you here Destiny?" asked Night to Destiny… completely ignoring Delirium.

"You're a bit of a cunt you know that."

"Seems to be a theme actually." Said Lazuli.

"Oh dear, Destiny you seem to have brought along a few filthy insects here. Let me just unmake it for you."

Bitch I will fucking end you… I don't care if you are made of Space. I'll do it... I know a Stupid Crazy powerful Imp... He can canonical make Gods go 'WHAZZUP DARKSEID!'.

"That will not be necessary, I merely seek council." Said Destiny.

"Very well my child. Speak."

"Is it possible for someone to be Destined to not be written in the Book of Souls and by adding them to it, I am erasing their true Destiny?"

…

"Maybe you should discuss this with your siblings." Said Night.

"Very well." Said Destiny as we were once again in the Maze of FUCKING LOST!

"A fountain of wisdom those two are." I said to Destiny.

"Nice to know the laws of the universe are in their very capable hands." Said Lazuli.

"I will converse with my siblings. Do not leave… come Delirium." Said Destiny.

"I vote yes."

"Very well, I will inform the others." Said Destiny as he Destiny'd off.

Delirium turned to us.

"You're not a British stereotype anymore." She said happily.

…

I didn't even notice... I kinda missed it.

"You drank the tea didn't you?" Asked Lazuli.

"Wait what?"

"You really accepted tea from the personification of madness? Ha!" Said Lapis.

…

"In my defense it was spiffing good tea." 

* * *

"Do you have any threes?" Asked Delirium.

"Go fish. Got any Pi's?"

"Go fish. How about Apple Fritters?"

I groaned as I handed over the Apple Fritter card… Delerium ate it.

"So how do you think it's going?" I asked.

"I'd rate it a solid 5 cuils."

"Cuils?"

"It's a unit of measurement. 1 cuil is one level of abstraction away from the current reality of the situation. For example, at 1 Cuil, if you asked me for a hamburger, I give you a raccoon. At 2 Cuils, If you asked me for a hamburger, but it turns out I don't really exist. Where I was originally standing, a picture of a hamburger rests on the ground. Anything beyond that I start to get carried away."

"That sounds familiar." I said.

"I should stay away from Reddit shouldn't I?"

"What?"

"Look it up on Reddit. It gets trippy after the third cuil. It helps me quantify my level of involvement in any given situation."

…

…

"Ok."

"How long have we been here?" Asked Lapis.

"Yep." Said Delirium.

…

"That's not an answer." Said Lazuli.

"Yep, probably just 1 Cuil." Said Delirium.

"Is this a reference? I feel like this is a reference." I said.

"It could be, but I don't think it buzzes or stings like they do."

Delightful.

"Delirious actually."

The Endless are fucking weird dude.

"By the way… sorry about how your asshole parents are." I said.

"I'm used to it."

"You shouldn't have to be."

Delerium shrugged.

"He does have a point my dear." Said Lex Luthor.

…

…

Wat!?

"Lex!"

"Ah, you must be Cell." Said… Lex Luthor.

"But…. You…. I…. Da fuk!"

"We've never actually met, you met another me. I am Luthor of Earth-12."

…

…

Luthor sighed.

"I believe you would refer to it as the DCAU."

"Oh SHIT! You're the one voiced by Clancy Brown…. I LOVE YOU!... What are you doing here!?"

Lex smirked and shrugged.

"After crossing the Source Wall to find the Anti-Life equation, I trapped Darkseid in it, since then, I keep Earth-12 running. I go by the Presence now."

…

LEX LUTHOR IS GOD!


	34. Wasting Time While Gods Talk

**Wasting Time While Gods Talk or Something (I don't know I wasn't there)**

Today has been a funny day. First Lazuli meets the short, smart, and angry Gizmo of all people, then I get kidnapped by one of the Fucking Endless, then I met the aloof douche Father Time and the Night Queen Bitch of the Multiverse. And I'm currently being discussed by sapient concepts as to whether or not I should be allowed to exist or whatever, but all of that pales in comparison to the fact that LEX LUTHOR IS FUCKING GOD! The Magnificent Bastard managed to Magnificent Bastard himself God using Magnificent Bastardry… I feel like I've used that before...

"As for why I'm here…" said Lex continuing from where he left off. "... Anytime the Endless gather to any meaningful capacity I make sure to be there just to watch the ensuing chaos. I thought my family was dysfunctional, but the Endless make my familial relationships seem downright stable… and I killed my father."

"Huh Neat."

"Hi Lexy!" Said Delirium with a wave.

Lex nodded in the ball of crazy's direction.

"Hello Delirium, nice to see you. Have you been behaving yourself?" Asked Lex.

"I made a Neo-Nazi think he's covered in bitey human faced bugs forever. He's itchy now, but can't scratch because he's in a straitjacket. I named the not-bugs Carl."

"Good Girl." Said Lex proudly.

"… so… what's it like being God?" I asked the perfectly normal question.

If I had a nickel for every time I asked that… Well I'd probably shove it into every conversation to acquire more nickels. Thomas Jefferson's face is apparently worth 5 cents to the very country he helped make... Sure he was also on the 2$ bill, but really who uses those for anything but collecting anyway.

"Intellectually fulfilling, baring the occasional hiccup. That said, I'm merely a fragment of the Presence presiding over a very specific branch of the multiverse. We do like to split the attention to be more aware of what's going on. You'd be surprised how much free time you can have with omnipotence."

"No shit. That's awesome man. Must have taken a while to get used to though."

"I'd say I was born to be God. I'm very good at it actually. Haven't had any real troubles since starting. The perks are worth the price anyway."

"So no issues whatsoever? C'mon man, I won't tell anyone."

The people wanna know dammit!

"I...may have abused the power when I first got it… but I didn't do any lasting damage."

"Oh… sounds Juicy. Whatcha did? Did you fuck with Superman?"

I bet he fucked with Superman.

"I'd like to think I am above such childishness now."

I only shot Luthor a sly grin. He got the message I was trying to convey. I knew him FAR too well to let this go. I needed answers dammit.

"Ok, sure I made Superman land in Soviet Russia that one time, and yes Brightburn was maybe an overreaction... And maybe sometimes I visit Hell to give the personal touch to my Bastard of a father Lionel Luthor - May he Scream in Agony... But I got it out of my system... Still visit Hell sometimes though. It's very therapeutic."

"There's the Lex Luthor I know and love."

Lex merely shook his head.

"I made a tesseract outta purple." Said Delirium who just made a tesseract out of purple.

Interestingly enough, while it was indeed made of purple, and gave off 'purple vibes' it actually didn't possess a color of its own. Delirium eagerly handed it over to Lex, who took it with an actual… genuine smile.

"Thank you Delirium, I'll treasure it always." Said Lex as he gently put the Tesseract of Purple Essence in his coat pocket.

"D'awwwww!" said Lapis out loud.

I D'aw'd internally.

"Please don't make a spectacle of it." Said Lex only mildly annoyed.

"It's sweet, cute, adorable, and now I got diabetes." I said.

"Fair enough I suppose. Now ask your question."

"Huh?"

"I am God. I know you have it on your mind, but for the sake of preventing Paradoxes you're gonna have to speak it out loud."

"It isn't much of a paradox."

"We're standing in The Garden of Forking Ways, Destiny's realm. This is the loom upon which the fate of reality is woven. It is the exact worst place for even a minor paradox to occur."

"Fine, so Lex…" I asked. "...Mind telling me how their meeting is going?" I asked.

Lex looked to me and had his eyes glaze over a bit… before they refocused.

"They're arguing about something completely unrelated. I only heard Desire bring up Wet Dreams and it devolved from there."

"My life is in good hands then. I guess it's better than Destiny writing me into his own personal Multi Crossover Fanfic." I said in relief.

"Destiny writes Fanfiction confirmed!" said Delirium.

Welp… that did it. Delirium is now my favorite Endless. Sorry Death, you're sweet but This ball of fun and psychosis is a delight.

"Delirium actually."

And she can do that... Whatever it is. Lex laced his fingers as he looked in my direction.

"You'll have to forgive Destiny, he is the most possessed by his function and responsibilities of any of the Endless. He even went so far as to abstain from voting on your fate."

"Well… that's nice of him. What about the rest?"

"You don't have many allies. Death and Delirium are the only who vote in your favor."

"What about Destruction?"

"He's not there… Destruction is probably the smartest one of the dysfunctional Endless, though I suppose that I could go ask him… if you do something for me."

"Oh, that does not sound good… what is it exactly?"

"Cell. I've been watching what you've done to my...counterpart."

Oh shit.

"And allow me to say you have my approval."

…

Huh… neat. Didn't see that coming.

"... Seriously?"

"Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with Supervillains teaming up, but for Lex Luthor to be referred to as L-3 instead of L-1… That will not stand. I made my own Legion thank you very much, didn't need help from a Neanderthal playing Homo Sapien or a greenpeace assassin to do it either. Say what you will about my home universes version of Vandal, at least he was a pleasure to be around. Don't even get me started on Ra's. To have a Lex beneath them is sickening. I never was jealous of Superman, no I was Captain Ahab Superman was my Moby Dick, a challenge to overcome, he was one of the few things that could match me, but not a target of jealousy. Never that. All I'm asking is that if the Endless decide to keep you around, just make sure my counterpart understands just who he is. He's an embarrassment to my great name."

"Nice to see Godhood didn't change you too much."

"Why change what's already perfect?"

"Can't argue with that logic. You got it." I said simply.

Lex nodded… before he cleared his throat.

I am not… quite sure what happened next. But whatever it was happened very quickly and was a sight to behold. Lights were involved, and stuff moving in ways stuff shouldn't be movin' at all. I think Space may have gotten cold and shivered, so Lex gave it some Non-Euclidean chicken noodle soup to make it feel better...I think. I'm gonna be honest, I very rarely understand whats going on around me and my brain just takes in the information, pulls other words relating to whatever I happen to be thinking at the time, and just kinda do its best to make something coherent enough to have a vague if unreliable understanding of whatever is actually going on.

"Destruction votes in your favor." said Lex.

Oh well that's good news for me.

"Yay!" said Delirium as she pulled confetti out of the ether between existence to toss into the air.

"This has been just magical." said Lazuli sarcastically.

"So what now?" I asked Lex.

"Worst case scenario, Desire votes against you putting your fate at a tie."

"Wait what about Despair and Dream?"

"Oh Despair already voted against you and left."

Well… that probably should have been predictable. Being Despair and all that.

"Young Daniel meanwhile has voted against you as well, something about a Mystical Guitar making life difficult for him. Reality and Dreams are linked, and your guitar has kept the second Dream very busy. He's not exactly happy with you."

…

"I'm not apologizing."

"You're also not doing yourself any favors." said Lex.

"Is mayonnaise a favor?" asked Delirium….

I think it can be, but only if the favor involved sandwiches or tuna salad. In any other circumstance… I don't think mayonnaise can be anything other than mayonnaise.

"Oh ok then." Said Delirium.

Oh good, glad we got that settled… actually… now that I think about it… considering the Endless are involved in this current Mayo related thought process... I'm going to have to say that could very well change at any given moment.

What were we talking about again?

…

Oh right. My probable erasure from existence... Getting Un-person'd does sound unpleasant.

"I'm kinda… surprised Desire didn't vote against me actually. The comics painted him...her… it… The comics painted Desire as being a bit of a bitch."

Lex shrugged. Not seeming to care about the given situation, probably because in all honesty he seemed to be mostly here to talk to Delirium. It was kinda cute how he treated her. Kinda like a substitute parental figure. They talked about porridge or something as I got lost in completely unrelated thoughts involving when Lunch was supposed to be… I'm very hungry right now.

Well hopefully we'll have this over with soon. Things seemed to be going well for us so far. Even if Desire voted against me, the tie should work for me somewhat. I can't see anything too bad happening.

"So you three are what has Destiny's panties in a bunch." said a… Tyrannosaurus rex made out of pizza.

…

…

"Oh my god I finally snapped." I said.

That said… that is a Pizza Dinosaur...Best mental breakdown ever. Hands down.

The Pizza dinosaur walked into the room… looking delicious and mouthwatering. Then I noticed that Lapis and Lazuli were looking at the Pizza Dinosaur with… well their hormones seemed to have kicked in and decided that Pizzasaurus Rex was kinda appealing… wait… Oh I get it. From my perspective, sure it was kinda funny and creepy at the same time, but I'm guessing they're not seeing a Pizza DInosaur (With extra Cheese). That can only mean one thing.

"Are you… Desire?" I asked.

The Pizza Dinosaur looked at me, before quirking its cheesy head and widening its… delicious… savory...pepperoni eyes of flavor…

I will eat that pizza face with parmesan and ranch dressing.

"Yes I am… Wait do you… do you see me as a giant lizard made of Pizza?"

"Dinosaur actually, they're closer related to birds than lizards,I'd think a cosmic entity would know that… you're kinda dumb not to really. But that's ok, you look… mouthwatering and tasty with pepperoni, extra cheese, and stuffed crust… OH GOD YOU HAVE STUFFED PRETZEL CRUST!"

…

Question… would eating one of the Endless be such a bad thing? I mean sure they are abstract Personifications of Multiversal Concepts… but C'mon… it's a Giant Pizza Dinosaur. It would be a crime not to eat it… vigorously and with breadsticks. Desire of the Endless looked at me oddly… I think, that look was… maybebconfusion… It's hard to tell what Jurrasic Pizza the Hut is thinking since it didn't have a traditional face for me to gauge what it is going on it's its mozzarella brain.

"You're… one of those asexuals aren't you?" asked the Pizza Dinosaur.

I suppose I could answer that question a number of ways but I'll settle for the truth in this particular situation.

"God I'm hungry."

"Here you go." said Lex handing me a slice of pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and stuffed pretzel crust.

The taste… it was divine. One bite and it was gone.

"You're welcome." said Lex.

As soon as I took the bite… Desire changed. Into a giant Dinosaur shaped Light Bulb.

…

…

"Heh! Light is pretty!"

"Ok… you're crazy, I see why Delirium likes you. I came here to get an idea of how to vote, but I think I have my answer. Hope never to see you again." said the Dino Light Bulb.

…

…

"I miss you Tyranno-Bulb."

"You're probably gonna die now." Said Delirium.

…

"Oh right... I probably could have handled that better."

"Did you think any of this through?" Asked Lazuli.

"Of course I think things… no I didn't. In my defense however, that was a Tyrannosaurus Rex made out of Pizza that also was a lightbulb that one time... It is a miracle that just saying the exact first thing that pops in my mind is all I did. Otherwise Desire of the Endless would have become Dinner of the Endless. The personification of food meant to be savored, eaten, and enjoyed with ranch dressing."

Lazuli face palmed and sighed.

"You're… such a goddamn moron."

"That hurts my feelings."

"And that's hilarious." Said Lapis.

"Fair enough. I'll just do something inexplicable that will probably end with the universe doing something equally inexplicable to keep the story going or something… it'll be hilarious."

"What?" Asked Lapis.

"I've said too much, pretend I said nothing."

"Oh ok then." Said Lapis.

...

We should probably take our probable erasure from existence seriously, but I think we're like a trio of 'not caring' and I don't think we have it in us to give a damn about anything really. I mean it's not the Endless's fault that we've become jaded to the insanity of the DC Universe, it just kinda happened really. We do just kinda roll with the punches and do things.

...

"We should do things." I said out loud.

"This is a thing." Said Delirium.

"Not thingy enough."

"**COWER BRIEF MORTAL!**"

Oh good a thing.

Turning around, I got to see the lovely visage of a giant Eldritch Abomination made out of the Skulls of every conceivable animal in existence, with ethereal cloth of the blackest pits holding it together. A multitude of bladed sickles and scythes attached to bleached bone and sinewy tendons. Atop the Abomination of Death was a single giant skull resembling my own with black fire for eyes.

"Well… that's new."

Then the Abomination burnt away to reveal a young woman wearing Goth clothing and pouting.

"Aw man, I hoped that I would have gotcha with that one." She said.

"I've not even been here a year and already I've seen so much crazy dumb shit, insane stupid shit, stupid crazy shit, and shitty crazy stupid dumb shit that you're gonna have to try a lot harder than that. Hello Death."

Death shrugged and nodded.

"Fair enough. Kinda thought you'd appreciate an enterence like that." said Death before she turned to her sister. "Hi Delirium, how has Destiny been treating you?"

"He walks paths and consults his book to pick a direction… I tried following him, but then I saw a red thing, and I never got to figure out what the red thing was because Destiny took another turn to sorta-kinda-but-not-really Teleport and grab my hand and lead me to this place where I found a stick, then a green bug man showed up and I poked him in the face a lot, and then some other stuff happened that I don't remember, and then Lexy came visit or something."

"Still here actually." Said Lex.

Delirium blinked to turn to Lex, who seemed to have found himself a cup of coffee to drink. He nodded at Delirium who smiled.

"Hi Lexy!" Said Delirium.

"Hello Delirium, nice to see you again."

"Heh, yeah." Said Delirium adorably.

Death smiled.

"Well I'm glad you had fun."

"I always have fun. Forcefully if necessary."

…

"Can I buy her? I really want to buy her." I said immediately.

"Sorry, she's not for sale." Said Death.

"Dammit!"

"So yeah, looks like its three in favor and three against. All in all, not the best situation to be in." Said Death.

"True… but I've been in worse."

"No you haven't."

"No I haven't, but I can pretend I have."

"Well yeah obviously." Said Death.

"I'm sorry, are you supposed to be Death?" Asked Lazuli.

"Last time I checked yeah."

…

"Weak, can we go back to the Skullbomination? I liked that one." Said Lapis.

"Shut your precious mouth Lapis. You're speaking to the second best Death in existence."

"Second?" Asked Death.

"Discworld."

"Ah… say no more." She said with a nod and a smile.

Well… this is a fun I feel like I am insulting the Perky Goth Cosmic Entity... Nah, I'm just thinking too hard again.

"I'm partial to the Final Destination version myself." Said Lazuli as she leaned against the wall.

"But I'm… I mean Death isn't even really a character in those movies."

"Exactly." Said Lazuli.

Oh wow… that was mean… that said.

"I'm gonna have to disagree there, Death in Final Destination did have character. He had a sadistic sense of humor, I mean look how it kills, it's over the top, cruel, and unusual. And if you believe the theory that Death gives the characters their premonition he's also a massive Cosmic Troll… he's like Mr. Bean or Pee-Wee Herman if he were an ethereal cosmic serial killer."

…

"Okay… this is an interesting conversation. I'm starting to see why no one in my family didn't just kill you where you stood."

"I'm charming?"

"Oh! Umm no, not even close…. No offense."

"None taken, I know what I'm about." I said with a shrug.

"Right… anyway, mortals… or in this case immortals have defied and mocked us or our parents before, but you're just so… casually brazen and completely nonchalant about it… to our faces by the way, that it kinda blindsides you."

"Oh sorry… I think."

"No, you're alright. Were cool. I don't really mind, it's my siblings and parents that might." Said Death.

Sweet.

"You're still in a very bad situation…" said Lex. "...I hope you realize your fate is in the hands of Destiny."

"That sounds weird. Fate in Destiny's hands. It's kinda a mindfuck when you think about it."

"You curse a lot." Said Delirium.

"That is indeed a fact, yes." I agreed.

So after that lovely bit of conversation, we sat and waited. Lex and Death caught up with whatever was going on in their omnipotent lives of omnipotence as Lapis, Lazuli, and I sat down to see where this current subplot was going. Our only hope was this was a filler episode.

"It isn't." Said Delirium.

My only hope…

Anyway I decided to look around the realm of Destiny… yeah, pretty much exactly what you'd expect. Lotta mazes, lotta branching paths probably representing choices or something. Some tastefully decorated Greek architecture. The marble pillars surrounding a pond was a nice touch. I bet I-Ching would love the view.

…

…

God waiting sucks.

"Then Wait no longer." said Destiny as he walked over to us... walked... No rush or anything, just my continued existence on the line.

"I have come to a decision." said Destiny.

"I'm ready... What do you have?"

"I have voted in your favor."

"I'm in the book I swear, My name is Brad Pitt. Check again... wait what?"

"You are a curious creature Cell Genome McSplice III. I cannot find a way to place you into my book, and you raised a good enough point. Perhaps it is your fate to remain free from it's pages. Reguardless however, we must talk on your plan. The Retcon."

"I'm guessing you're not a fan?"

"It eliminates Free Will and Predestination alike. You mustn't do this. This world works as it does for a reason. Changing it naturally is one thing... Forcing change upon it is another."

"Retcons have happened before." I pointed out.

"Not deliberately. They were a consequence of great actions taken by beings whose power was beyond measure, but they were never the goal. Merely the tattered remains of existence put back together as best as could be managed." said Destiny.

I suppose he has a point there.

"I did think really hard on this plan. I already have things in motion."

"You're a fan of Jurassic Park right?" asked Death.

I nodded... because Obviously I did.

"You were so busy thinking if you could do it, you never stopped to think if you should." said Death.

...

"Dammit, I ignored the sage advice of Jeff Goldblum didn't I?"

"You kinda did." said Death.

"Could be worse. The Joker, for as nessesary as he is, is hardly important in the grand scheme of things." said Lex.

Fair enough I suppose.

"I just wanted a better world for Lapis and Lazuli."

"Oh wow you are an idiot." said Lazuli.

...

"Fair enough."

"No, not fair enough. I was perfectly happy with things the way they were. You probably would have lost any goodwill I have sent to you if you did."

"Not everyone would change though... Just villains!"

"And billions of people you have never met before as well." said Lex.

"Not to mention all the aliens. You may think that just because they are unimportant side characters that they won't be greatly effected, but you can never know for sure." said Death.

...

Oh...

"I was almost a villain wasn't I?"

"Very close actually. Gold star for recognizing it before it became too late." said Lex.

...

"I'm... sorry."

The tall form of Destiny nodded as he opened the pages of the Book of Souls. Within was the entirety of the universe, and I could smell the scent of salt on the air. The same scent I smelled in Mt. Justice every time I was there.

"I will return you to your world. It will be as if you never have left. You may not be in my book, but I will be forever watching you." said Destiny.

"And watch out for the Imp!" said Delirium.

"Wait, what do you mean by that?"

And then the world melted away.


	35. The Hazards of Forgetting Canon

**The Hazards of Forgetting Canon**

So… I guess that's over and done with. Now I just have to figure out what Delirium meant by…

"What do you mean You gonna kill it?" Asked Artemis.

…

Oh right we're back in Mt. Justice. Huh… apparently we arrived at the exact moment we left. That's neat… Lets see… what was I going to kill again….FUCKING GIZMO!

"Imma kill it. It's rather unambiguous." I said immediately.

That… was when Lazuli decided to stand up. She then walked over to me and put her hands on my shoulders… DANGER WILL ROBINSON!

"Cell. I'm going to be very clear with you. The mere fact that you are my brother… is the only reason I haven't ripped off your tail and shoved it up your ass…"

"But… I don't have an ass."

"...Now Cell, just because you call it a mouth doesn't mean it won't be thoroughly unpleasant, and if I have to, I'll make you an ass with the new tail that grows back. I'll just ignore that little outburst. Now then, I will do as I please with whomever I deem worthy of my time. If it doesn't work out… well I feel very sorry for them because by the time I'm done… there won't be anything left for you. Until such a time however you will not harm Gizmo or indeed anyone else I may be interested in… kay."

…

My god she can be utterly terrifying.

"... Oh… kay."

Lazuli nodded and smiled… a bit too sweetly.

"Good. See how well that worked out for me?"

Her face became the stuff of horrid nightmares of crazy girls hovering over your bed with a knife.

"Let's keep it that way."

Then… she just walked off.

I remained… frozen, my mind deciding that conjuring up the mental image of Marilyn Monroe covered in blood while holding a knife and stabbing JFK was… apparently something I needed to be aware of. Thanks brain for that mental image, ya asshole.

I could have lived my whole life never having that image in my head. Watching the light leave JFK's eyes while Marilyn laughs maniacally. I would have been very happy never having that be in my mental library at all… and you took that away from me brain.

"Cell… Are you ok?" asked M'gann.

…

"I have gazed deep into the abyss… and it glared back in contempt."

…

"Should we call someone ?" asked Artemis.

…

...

"Tacos that's what I need, I already ate Pizza, that's Itallian, but I still need the other three food groups. Mexican, Chineese, and anything with sugar in it. I'll be back later guys, I'm going to Mexico for Tacos."

"He's fine." said Artemis as I teleported out of there.

+++

"Watch out for the Imp…What could that mean?"

It could really only mean Mxy… but… Well this was the Endless… Mxy is small potatoes compared to them. That said, If there was one thing I knew. Anything Destiny didn't know… Delirium DID know. Ignoring her 'prophecies' or whatever you want to call it was… probably a bad idea… I racked my brian thinking over everything aboyt Mxy I knew from canon. And... the mother fucker is inconsistent as all hell.

…

God these were some good tacos.

So I was in Mexico, eating authentic Mexican Tacos expertly prepared. I also had cheese dip to dunk the Taco's in because that seemed like a very good idea at the time, and my stomach agreed. Probably the only thing Dr. Gero did good was creating Cell in such a way that it allowed me to enjoy the majesty that is Junk food and candy. So thanks for that one you mad bastard.

Anyway, getting back to a certain 5th Dimensional Imp… I can't really picture him doing anything too bad… I think…

I'll ask Question… I need to let him know the plan is off anyway… after a few more tacos.

Teleportation is a wonderful thing… except when it's not. As soon as I teleported into the Questions house… well things got weird. It goes like this.

"Q, looks like the…uhhhhh... Q?"

"Ah, greetings Cell."

…

…

So you know how sometimes you can walk into people in compromising situations? Well… this was one of those times. The Question was reading from a book that appeared to be covered in Eldritch Iconography, but what really made this situation… odd to say the least, was the large cylindrical Jar on the table… specifically what was inside of it.

"Q… is that the decapitated head of Charlie Chaplin?"

The Question looked to the very recognizable human head held in the Jar...Then he calmly and meticulously pushed it out of my direct line of sight behind a loose microwave. Then he took his book opened the microwave and tossed it in.

"No. Any rumors of me attempting to resurrect beloved actors and filmmakers are grossly overexaggerated."

…

"I… forgot why I came here because of this."

Just… what?

" Are you really trying to resurrect Charlie Chaplin.?"

"How about you get off my back." He asked calmly.

"Oh… ok then. Anyway…Uh."

…

…

Oh shit I really did forget why I came over here. Stupid moth brain…

…

"Oh right. Next time you're in Mexico, there's this place in Chihuahua, Chihuahua that makes the best tacos you'll ever eat."

"I see. Good to know."

"Yep, I guess that's all I really need to… oh right the Retcon plan is off."

"Really?" Asked the Question as he quirked his faceless head in a gesture that I think displays confusion… but the lack of a face is making it hard to tell.

"Yeah, apparently these higher planar deities took exception to that idea, and said in no uncertain terms that I gotta cut it out or I'm getting unpersoned."

"Unperson'd?... Are these Higher Plane Deities also Russian Communists from the Soviet era?"

…

…

"I didn't ask."

"That's fine. I'll find out. At least now I don't have to kill you."

He probably would find out. The Question is a very thorough investigator whose deductive leaps astound even me and….

…

"Wait what?"

"I'll find out these deities secre..."

"No that killing me part."

The Question merely shrugged.

"I planned on killing you before you could retcon reality. I only played along to put you in a false sense of security until I could find an exploitable weakness. Incidentally complete cellular destruction is very difficult."

…

…

"Oh… okay…. Good to know."

"I almost turned that chicken into its component atoms though. Still one or two cells left after the acid bath. I was very close."

…

…

"See this is why we're friends Q. Real friends don't let friends utterly manipulate and wrap reality into a barely recognizable parody of itself."

"Indeed."

"So was it a live chicken or dead chicken?"

"Yes, the chicken is very dead at the moment. Have you informed the Imp?"

"Oh no… the anthropomorphic personification of insanity told me to watch out for him."

"I see. Is this Mxy a villain in the comics?"

"I wouldn't call him a villain per say. He only routinely annoys Superman...and by routinely I mean constantly. Really with his powers, he could easily defeat Superman in any number of novel, funny, and imaginative ways, but he's more focused on his own entertainment than that. He's funny, one time he got hit with Darkseid's Omega Beams, but he used them to light a cigar… so he's mostly harmless... then again… now that I think about it there was the version of him in 'Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow' who was...oh… right."

"What?"

"Well 'Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow' was the finale of the Silver Age of Superman. Probably one of the best comics in history. It was very much unlike the rest of the Silver Age though. Superman's villains attacked in increasingly grisly ways. People died… "

"I take it the Imp was heavily involved. Otherwise you wouldn't bring it up."

"In the story it turns out that Mxy orchestrated everything. He got the villains to get Superman's other enemies to attack the Man of Steel with greater ferocity than ever before… He was also depicted as a malevolent monstrous energy being instead of an Implike Trickster. He triggered the plot of the whole comic, upset the Silver Age status-quo by orchestrating murders and in a single page became one of the most monstrous characters in the Silver Age mythos."

"Why did he turn demonstrably evil as opposed to an all powerful nuisance?"

"Oh, all of this was for no reason, he just decided to be evil. Apparently he just thought it was a nice change of pace."

"And you willingly allied with this creature?"

"..."

"I see." Said Question nodding.

"In my defense, he's mostly harmless in almost every single other continuity. In fact, in more than a few he can be helpful. Sometimes he's just trying to teach Superman to lighten up and not take things so seriously."

"Isn't he from the 5th Dimension? Wouldn't that imply that regardless of continuity, it's the exact same individual?" Asked the Question.

"Now that you bring it up...I… I think Superman Reborn said that all Mxy's are the same individual… all of them. Regardless of medium."

"I see. You should probably not tell him anything."

"Sounds like a plan."

+++

So I took Questions advice and tried NOT to tell Mxy, but then he decided to show up unannounced.

"So I came like you asked. What's up? Is it something to do with… the plan?" Asked Mxy.

Completely unannounced.

…

Ok in my defense withholding secrets from a 5th Dimensional entity sounds good on paper… but in practice…. Not a good idea… I think. I mean what if he were to find out and get so mad that he decides to turn me into a banana for daring to not tell him. That was the most likely scenario in my head, and I don't want to be a banana… bananas are for eating. Not being.

I'll just break the news to him gently.

"Sorry Mxy, looks like Operation Reboot is a no go, orders from the Endless themselves."

Mxy... Blinked. For a brief second… I saw a jagged maw of fangs. Skin of black and purple fire with elongated and distorted proportions. I saw for the briefest of moments beyond the beyond. Into a realm of pure chaos. Then as fast as it had come… it was gone, replaced once again with the Silly Imp of a Man hovering above the ground in staunch defiance of gravity. As if such a concept were above it. And make no mistake… this was not a Him… 'It' was far more appropriate for what horrors I gazed at.

"What happened?" Asked the Trickster Imp.

"Well, Destiny called me to his realm of mazes or whatever and tried to fit me in his book..."

"Wait you're not in the Book of Souls?" Asked Mxy with an interested tone.

"Nope, anyway Destiny didn't like what we did to the Joker. He was going to erase me from existence. Lapis and Lazuli to..."

"Wait..." Interrupted Mxyzptlk... Much more urgently. "They're not in the book either?"

"Apparently. I convinced Destiny to not unperson us, but only if I don't retcon reality."

"Well that sucks, still you're not in his book, so we can work around this hiccup. Even if he is watching you, You're a very potent blindspot."

"Oh... No the plan is off."

"... But, you're capable of working around Destiny. You're not in his book... Oh... But I am." Said Mxy before his smile grew… far too wide.

Too many teeth, gums hidden by ruby lips, a glint in the eyes of chaos itself.

"Of course, I understand completely. The plan is off." Said Mxy with a wink.

"No I'm being serious..."

Mxy snapped his fingers. Interrupting my sentence as he took control of the conversation again.

"Oh of course it is... YA HEAR THAT DESTINY! PLANS OFF!" He yelled to no one.

"I'm not saying that to trick Destiny... I'm serious. I'm very partial to existing."

It's one of my favorite things to do.

Mxy hummed as he quirked his head at me... Then his eyes narrowed.

"Your tone is... Sickeningly honest. Let's find out, shall we. Look at me Cell."

This was... Uncomfortable, but I looked right into Mxy's eyes. His gaze revealed… something behind those eyes that I had no words for. A nameless… thing of dimension beyond my understanding and imagination… and I have a VERY overactive imagination.

"Now then. Answer now and answer true, Is the plan off between me and you?"

There was… a compulsion to say what had already been said. I gulped, even though my throat felt dry… my throat was never dry.

"Yes. No more retcon." I said with a hint of finality.

I also noticed that the words weren't intentionally spoken by me… my beak mouth thingy just kinda… blurted them out.

Mxy stared deep into my eyes and very soul... Before his expression fell.

"I see... That is disappointing. I had such high hopes for you to."

"Yeah, I get that. Ummm... Sorry I guess."

"Sorry? Whatever for?" Asked Mxyzptlk coyly.

...

"For... Getting your hopes up I guess."

I mean… what else would I be sorry for? I did nothing wrong. Except for maybe not looking into that vampire thing, but really vampires have like… a bazillion exploitable weaknesses that there isn't any real sense of urgency for that. I'm pretty sure Dracula died in a Superman Comic because he thought it was a brilliant idea to drink Superman's blood… Superman… as in the guy who is powered by the sun… Yeah, that sid. Ot end well for Dracula.

Oh Mxy was talking. Better listen.

"Oh no, you misunderstand me Cell. I'm not disappointed in this turn of events. I'm disappointed in you."

…

Well that's ominous.

"What?"

"But that's ok. You have revealed some very interesting information to me. Very interesting indeed. Well I suppose this is goodbye Cell. We may meet again, but I have things to do and people to call. So long."

"Wait… you're not going to do the plan yourself are you?"

Mxy smiled.

"Me? Oh no Cell. I promise I have no plans to continue your Retcon plan. In fact, I give you my word I will put no effort of my own into that plan."

"Oh… that's good."

Mxy didn't listen to me. Instead with a mad cackle the Imp vanished from my sight To the great beyond… well at least I wasn't a banana.

...

"I think he took that rather well."

…

I wonder what Information he's referring to… I only remember telling him that I met some of the Endless and that wasn't in the Book of Destiny. I can't think of anything else that I sai…

…

…

Oh…

...

Oh no… oh no no no NO!

OH GOD WHY DO I OPEN MY MOUTH!

I immediately teleported. 

* * *

Panic. I am panicking. I had to find.

"Hi Cell." Said Lapis.

Oh good… he was in the Mountain. That was good. Very good. That said… pressing matters.

"LAPISWHEREISYOURSISTER!"

…

"Huh?"

Wait… I can sense Ki...

"C'mon. We have to find your sister!" I screamed as I grabbed Lapis's hand and teleported out.

"But she's…" said Lapis before we disappeared.

As I ported through Space, my hearts beats faster as my vision returned to normal. I… was three feet to the left of where I grabbed Lapis.

…

"I uh… I meant to do that."

Lapis and Lazuli just kinda… stared at me. Ok, so they're completely fine. They haven't been kidnapped by a malevolent Imp monster. So… maybe he really didn't intend on continuing the retcon plan.

"Cell? Are you ok?" Asked Lazuli.

…

Better ask to make sure.

"Umm… you two haven't run into any Imps have you?"

…

"No… why? Wait… Cell, what did you do?" Accused Lazuli.

…

Yeah, this behavior probably requires an explanation, and I really can't lie to them.

"Remember that Retcon plan?" I asked.

…

"You didn't!?" Screamed Lazuli.

I immediately raised and waved my hands to dispel that train of thought.

"No… but one of the guys helping me… umm. He has gone rogue. I… I thought he'd be after you. He seemed to think me not being in Destiny's book was a blind spot. I thought he would be after one of you two, since you're not in the book either… Guess I was wrong."

"Are you talking about the Imp thingy that brought us here?" Asked Lapis.

"Yeah that's the…"

…

Oh…

...

He brought them here.

…

They are here because of Mxyzptlk.

…

They aren't in the Book of Souls.

…

…

Mxy can bring people not in the Book of Souls into this universe… people Destiny can't see.

…

"Cell… are you okay?" Asked Lapis.

"I'VE DOOMED US ALL!"

…

…

"Probably."


	36. Well That was Unexpected

**Well... That was Unexpected**

Ok, maybe doomed was too strong a word. This is Mister Mxyzptlk were talking about, the 'Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow' storyline was an exception. It's safe to say Mxy is in Trickster mode, so not 100% Doomed… but still a very poor situation to be in all things considered.

"How bad is this situation exactly?" Asked Lazuli.

"Emperor Joker, who's only 1% weaker than a full Mxy, rendered the Spectre helpless in a birdcage with no apparent effort."

"That doesn't sound so bad."

"The Spectre is a powerful fragment of the Presence, Also Known as God, specifically he's the personification of God's Spirit of Vengeance… yes… THAT God."

"...Oh… that's bad."

"Oh yeah. Mxy has no set limits. Depending on the story, he's all over the map. Even funny little non-canon stories have to be taken into consideration because they could be the exact same individual. So he can be anything from weaker than Upper Echelon Gods like the Presence or the Endless… or the most powerful being in all of existence bar none… and everything in between."

"That's… inconsistent." Said Lapis.

"I think he's allergic to consistency."

Wouldn't surprise me in the least if he was.

"So what exactly are WE supposed to do?" Asked Lazuli.

…

…

"I dunno."

"Brilliant."

"Yes, this is quite the predicament we find ourselves in."

…

…

"Q… when did you get here?"

"Ah, that is… the Question."

…

"You came through the holes in the wall didn't you?"

"I came through the holes in the wall, yes. I see you've gone against my advice and told the Imp."

"How was I supposed to know he was going to go full BROB!?"

"Ok… so… any plans?" Asked Lapis.

"I'm partial to Crocs go to plan of using a really big rock, the Imp is all powerful, power is money, money is also called capital, the capital of Arkansas is Little Rock, and bigger is better. So I think a big rock should be sufficient."

"How big are we talking?"

"Can you condense every available atom in existence into a single giant rock?"

…

…

"Probably not… but I've never tried."

"Then we have a plan."

"That isn't a plan…" said Lazuli. "... It barely qualifies as an idea."

Oh ye of little faith. If there is one thing I learned, it's that the Question is usually onto something when he busts out Adam West style Bat Deduction… oh I just remembered something.

"Actually all we really gotta do is make him say his name backwards."

"And how are we supposed to do that? I can't imagine it would be easy with a name like his."

"Actually it's going to be Super Easy, Barely an inconvenience."

I love making references to things that technically don't exist yet.

"Oh really?" Asked the Question

"Yeah Mxy doesn't think things through, he's easily distracted, and just as easily tricked."

"So… he's you then?" Asked Lazuli.

"If I had Godlike reality powers yes. This is a temporary deterrent though, after ninety days, he can again visit the third dimension at will."

"Not much of a weakness." Said Lazuli.

"Well, he was barred from this reality, so it could be permanent." I said hopefully.

"He also has a special weakness for games… but I can't think of…. Oh… wait a minute."

With a smile… I pulled out the indestructible notebook from my coat pocket.

"Anyone got a pen? I have an idea." 

* * *

Hello dear readers, the humble Mister Mxyzptlk, currently looking into more things to drag into this reality. Thus far… I pulled three here. One was currently slumbering beneath the Oceans on Earth. Though I imagine not for much longer. To be fair, that one was for fun and would have no bearing on Cells old plan. The other two however… well one was off doing his own thing, the other however, he was very much interested in the Silver Age retcon idea. How dare that meany pants Cell propose something so 4th Wall Breakingly insane and not deliver. All because he's worried about not existing anymore, like that's such a big deal. I tried not existing once, and it wasn't half bad. Mostly boring. I did promise I wouldn't lift a finger to bring about Cells old plan, but pulling people and creatures from other realities and telling them about said plan was completely on the table. Spoiler alert, none of these Characters were from DC comics or Dragonball… Because that wouldn't be nearly chaotic enough.

Whoops, did I just accidentally be the ROB's and BROB's in every other DC fanfic ever? I do believe I did. Oh thank you Cell for this wonderful gift. I might not turn you into a banana after all, or maybe I will. Even I don't know what I'm going to do next. Oh I haven't been this giddy since that time me and Impossible Man over in the Marvel Universe made that Amalgamation verse. Ohhh, that would be fun… no they'd be in the Book of Souls… well, it's not like I'm running out of material anytime soon.

Now enough fun, let's get back to this universe...who should I call next? The one who'll bring about the retcon plan was already here. So anything else was just for fun like the first creature I brought here...Maybe that Darth Vader fellow with his own personal Stormtrooper army and a fleet heralded by a fully mobile Death Star… that could be fun. Let's do that. It'll be fun times for all. Oh but where's the fun in just that! Let's give Vader all the powers and abilities from his every appearance. Comics, movies, games, special guest appearances. Oh I'm going to have such wonderful fun. So much that I can barely contain myself.

So many endless possibilities so little time. I really should do this more often. Oh what am I talking about, I'm in every single DC nases Universe at the same time. Oh we're really going to jack up this place now. Destiny will never be able to sort it out.

...

Huh, it appears the Notebook is being written into. I wonder if Cell has something to say? Well best not keep him waiting, I'll bring more people in. Three is hardly chaotic enough for my tastes.

So I Pull out my copy of Cells book, open it up… oh Cell appears to be drawing squares. That's interesting. I wonder whatever for? I expected words or something similar… wait a 5th-Dimensional Moment… it's a Crossword Puzzle!

...

I love puzzles! Oh well why not. What mad puzzle could a mind like that come up with. Oh now this is intriguing.

"Lets see… Nickelodeon show called Keenan and… Blank."

Well obviously Kel.

Easy enough.

Next a four letter word… what do waiters get paid in?

…  
Tips of course.

Now then, three letter word for what eyes do.

See.

This is a very easy crossword puzzle. Insultingly so. Where are you going with this Cell.

Ok last one. Nickelodeon show again… Invader… Blank.

Zim obviously.

…

…

That's it? Oh come now there has to be more to it than that. Some of the words don't even cross like they should in a crossword puzzle. Maybe it's a message of some sort. Hmmmm… Let's break it down.

"Kel. Tips. See. Zim."

…

Oh… thats a phonetic pronunciation of Kltpzyxm isn't it?

…

"Aw! Nuts!" I said snapping my fingers.

*_pop_* 

* * *

As soon as Mxy wrote the last word… The previously indestructible notebook burst into flames.

…

"See, not even an inconvenience."

…

…

"Really? That's it?" Asked Lazuli.

"Apparently." I said simply.

…

…

"Huh… neat." Said Lapis.

"Yep. See this is what happens when I apply myself… don't expect it too often."

"But couldn't he have done a lot of damage in the brief time he's been here?"

"Probably… but well deal with them when they come."

"Well they can't be worse than Mxy himself." Said Lapis.

…

…

"Laips… what have I told you about invoking a literary conviction?"

"Don't do it… I just did it didn't I?"

"Yes Lapis… yes you did."

Well… we're fucked.

"Hi guys! okay bye!" Said a passing Sonic Boom… who was probably Kid Flash.

I should note he ran through the walls through the room, and out the other wall.

"Looks like he's getting better with those Wall Powers of his."

"So… was this all a waste of time? I don't feel like we actually did anything." Asked Lazuli.

"We crossword'd an Imp into the 5th Dimension. That's something at least."

…

…

"I'm… I'm going out. I have a date." Said Lazuli.

As she said it, she glared at me. I immediately raised my hands defensively. I was NOT going to ruin her date… not after our last… talk. I shall be haunted by that event for the rest of my days.

…

…

The horror.

"Hey when did the faceless guy get here?" Asked Wally.

…

…

"I think Robin is starting to rub off on you."

"Yeah, I'm starting to see why he does it. It's kinda fun."said Wally with a shit eating grin.

The Question nodded before turning to me.

"Well, seeing as the issue is taken care of, I'll be off. I'll see if I can find anything this Imp messed with."

I waved off the Question as I put my hands in my pockets.

"Interesting guy that one." Said Wally.

"Sure is. So whats up Wally?"

"Eh, nothing much. Just got a snack." Said Wally as he raised a single apple in his hands.

Then he took a bite.

…

It kinda made him look like an asshole.

…

"I like the green ones." Said Lapis.

Me to. I like tart food.

"If you say so. You know… I haven't been eating all that much lately. It's weird."

"Riveting, so I just realized I don't have anything to do… "

Then an alarm went off… because of course it did.

"_WARNING! INCOMING TSUNAMI! WARNING!_"

…

"That can't be good!"

Instantly Flash was out the door, Lapis and I ran out after them. To be honest… Tsunami's sound very random… and bad. Thankfully, the hole in the wall made getting out of the mountain a fairly simple affair. Upon the horizon, was a truly massive wave. Dozens of meters tall barreling it's way towards the coast.

"Oh God!" Screamed Wally.

As we beheld the massive wave, we were joined by the rest of the Team. Though Aqualad immediately ran off towards the beach with his runic tattoos glowing. I extended my Telekinetic power in an attempt to contain the destructive force of nature. It was only now I realized something. The Tsunami extended far beyond my sight. Miles to the north and south. I couldn't even tell how huge it was.

Aqualad slammed his arms on the beach, sending an oposin wave in the same direction. It was absolutely poultry in comparison, but still impressive enough that it would do something. I erected my mental wall behind the massive wave, attempting to extend it as far as I could. I really wish I was perfect Cell right about now, but there was no way I had the time.

Soon, Aqualad's wave hit the Tsunami, sending a geyser of water miles into the sky, but even in the far horizon I could see that the VAST majority of the wave was still coming. I continued to send my psychokinetic wall into the Tsunami, and eventually it hit.

Like before, sea water went miles in the air, but even I could tell there was no way I got the whole thing. That however was second in my list of concerns because as soon as the might of nature hit the psionic wall, my head actually exploded from trying to keep the wall up. I was struck blind, deaf, and dumb as my head immediately started to grow back. As soon as it was done however, I found myself underwater crashing into the mountain. Thankfully I could breathe under the sea, otherwise this would be very bad.

I don't know how far inland the wave went, but it wasn't long before the wave rejoined the sea, bringing me along with it. I was still very disoriented… but in the distance. I saw a shape heading towards me. A massive shadow slicing through the sea heading towards the land.

The silhouette was unmistakable, and I knew that the only way THAT could be here was because Mxy put him here. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he didn't exist in this universe. I got my bearings and flew out the water… and made my way into the sky. I looked to see the massive shape that was far FAR larger than even He should be. He rose from the sea like one of the Gods of old, and his appearance was… slightly off, but utterly unmistakable. His scales shined in the sun as he rose… and rose… and rose...until he stood at 1,000 feet tall. Towering over absolutely everything around him. Even Mt. Justice itself. His gills spat out sea water as it observed its surroundings. It reared it's massive saurian head back, opening it's massive maw of double rowed teeth.

"**SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEONK!**"

…

…

…

…

It was fucking Composite Godzilla.

* * *

A/N: If you look up 'Beastrider9 Composite Godzilla' you can find a drawing of what old Godzilla looks like.


	37. Oh No There goes Newport! Go Go Godzilla

**Oh No, There goes Newport! Go Go Godzilla!**

The 300 meter tall kaiju took his first step onto the land, and the ground around his foot shattered. Cracks formed along the side of the mountain as a downpour of sea fell off of its body. Looking up at it… well… as terrifying as it is… well it was also Awesome as all hell. However, much more important was finding the rest of the team. Most of them were on that beach… and not all had powers. I extended my Ki senses, and felt Wally nearest to me. The Earth shook as Godzilla took a step, trees shook, some even fell. Wood cracked and stone shattered as I moved towards Wally. He seemed mostly fine, but was unconscious.

…

I slapped him in the face and amazingly… It worked.

"Wha… What hap…" asked Wally as he stared up at the sky to the massive monster whose foot was about to fall.

"IS THAT FUCKING GODZILLA!" Screamed Wally.

The ground shook again. Trees fell towards us, but the power of telekinesis took care of that problem.

"Worse. Composite Godzilla." I said as I extended my Ki senses.

"Come on, I found Artemis!" I screamed.

I flew over the flooded earth towards Artemis as Kid Flash followed. We made our way to the mountain where Artemis was breathing heavily with an obviously broken arm. Her face contorted in pain.

"Shit!"

Then another kaiju sized step, and more of the mountain shattered, sending a rockslide towards us. Again, Telekinesis is a wonderful thing. The rocks were lifted into the sky, and flung into the sea. Thankfully, a waterspout formed in the sea and headed towards us, lowering Aqualad to the ground, who fell on his hands and knees coughing hard.

I ripped off my coat and handed it to Wally.

"Use it to make a sling for her arm!" I screamed as I extended my Ki senses.

I found Robin and headed out immediately. The massive Kaiju's tail swung behind it as it passed over the beach and deep into the forest with its next step. The sway of the tail created such strong winds that I almost was blown to the ground, but I managed to stay aloft.

Robin was clinging to the unconscious body of M'gann and could only watch at the passing titanic monster. I landed as another footstep shook the earth, but as Godzilla retreated further past the forest and towards the city, the shakes were much less pronounced. However looking up at the King of Monsters was a sight to behold. Once the Last of his kind, who through the power of the atom became the First. A living monument to the hubris of mankind… and he was stepping on everything.

Examining Robin, he looked mostly fine. M'gann however had a large gash on her forehead.

"IS THAT FUCKING…!"

"Yes Godzilla. Brilliant Deduction. C'mon." I said as I instant Transmission'd them back to the growing group.

When I arrived I found Lapis and Lazuli mostly fine. Thank God for Android Nigh-Invulnerability. I looked to Lapis.

"SEE WHY WE DON'T INVOKE LITERARY CONVENTIONS!"

Lapis only weakly nodded. I sighed as I shook my head.

"It's not your fault. Hold on. I gotta find Superboy."

Extending my senses I found Superboy…

…

…

He was on Godzilla and punching him… which was about as effective as someone's grandpa punching the Titanic. From this distance and even with my super keen eyesight… Godzilla looked absolutely massive and Superboy… well it was like trying to see a single flea on a dog from ten feet away.

Godzilla took another step and was already halfway into the city. Buildings were crushed under foot as Godzilla continued his trek. The city was already decimated by the of people could die from any number of horrific deaths. Whether it be getting crushed, burned to death, or radiation poisoning.

I knew what I had to do.

…

I needed to behave as Silver Age as humanly… er… Celluly possible to prevent any deaths via Comic Book Logic. So I flew towards Godzilla, and landed next to Superboy who was holding onto one of Godzillas spines.

"Hi Superboy, how's it going"

"I CAN'T BREAK THROUGH!"

"Yeah… you do know you're punching a monster that can tank nukes right?"

"MY FIST IS A NUKE!" Screamed Superboy as he punched again… to no avail.

"Yeah, congratulations on that one, but if all you can punch is nuke level… yeah you're not gonna do much."

Maybe scratch an annoying itch or something.

Superboy… just kept punching.

"WE'LL! *_Punch!_* SEE! *_Punch!_* ABOUT! *_Punch!_* THAT!"

*_Punch!_*

*_Punch!_*

*_Punch!_*

Godzilla took another step. It made shit shake like Jello.

*_Punch!_*

*_Punch!_*

*_Punch!_*

"Keep going."

*_Punch!_*

"You'll get there eventually."

*_Punch!_*

*_Punch!_*

This was a waste of time, but it was an entertaining waste of time. I sighed as I looked towards Godzilla's eyes. A fire burned within them, one fueled by rage, hate, anger, and perhaps worst of all the vengeful spirits of forgotten soldiers who died in WWII.

"So how's punching the humongous, near-indestructible and VERY pissed-off monster going so far?"

*_Punch!_*

"Shut up!"

*_Punch!_*

Well… he was determined if nothing else.

"You know M'gann is hurt right?"

That… got his attention.

"What!?"

With his demeanor changed I grabbed him by the shoulder and Instantly transmissioned myself back to our group. M'gann appeared to have awoken… Superboy ran towards her so fast that my hand, which was still on his shoulder, couldn't stretch fast enough and was ripped out of it's socket… I got better though.

I turned my attention to Artemis, who was holding her arm in severe pain. Thankfully, the makeshift sling worked quite nicely.

"How's the arms?" I asked.

"Better than it looks, worse than it feels." She said painfully as she flexed her fingers.

….

…

Wait… I could have sworn it was a clean break. How the hell did she move her fingers? I mean... maybe it was just the angle but I could have... Actually… even M'gann's head gash didn't look all that bad as I could have sworn it was previously. Eh, Comic Book Logic I guess. I turned to see the massive Radioactive Dinosaur continue on its merry way… I think he was slowly making his way westward towards Newport. Which was not good at all. So I looked to My Siblings..

"I'm gonna need to go perfect." I said finally.

Lapis and Lazuli looked to me. Lazuli turned to the massive Titan, before turning back to me.

"You sure it's gonna be enough?"

"To be completely honest… I'm not, but I gotta try. I can go like this if I need to, but more power would help a lot."

Lapis had absolutely no problems what so ever. Lazuli sighed, and nodded.

"Fine, get it over with."

With a nod, I vore'd them one after another, and immediately the not so clear skies above got just a bit worse as I exploded with power. As per usual, the flood of power felt amazing, but I had far FAR more pressing matters to attend to. I achieved Perfect.

"I'm gonna go… probably die again if I'm being honest." I said before flying towards Godzilla.

'**_Yeah, because that's comforting._**'said Lazuli.

As I flew towards Godzilla, I got to see that with every step, there was an earthquake and every movement generated the winds that could only be compared to a hurricane. I flew close as the lumbering titan continued on its path. To be completely honest… as powerful as Cell was… a Composite Godzilla was just… well ridiculously OP even for someone like Me. I could see scales as large as cars, with occasional keloid scarring that was seen on OG Godzilla and his Shin counterpart. Tiny metallic bristles, like those on plants covered the surface of his skin. His eyes would shift from those of an animal, albeit an intelligent one,l to the blank white eyes of an undead monster with every step he took. Even the tip of his tail possessed a few spikes reminiscent of the scutes of the 98 American Godzilla.

'_**How many Godzilla's are there?**_' Thought asked Lazuli.

'**_I'm gonna go check the fiction section… HOLY FUCK!_**'

Yeah, that is the appropriate response. It was only just now I realized we were very close to Newport… That is some monstrous strides you have there Godzilla… pun very much intended.

'**_Please don't pun._**'

No Promises...Ok, so… huh… I don't actually have a plan.

'**_Oh good, so we are doomed, and I haven't even gone on my first date._**'

Please don't think thoughts like that while we are sharing a brain Lazuli… I would like to not think about that forever now.

'_**You don't think. It balances itself out.**_'

'**_Ha! Nice._**'

This was when Godzilla stopped moving. He looked over the… rather pitiful city before him as his head slowly quirked in confusion. Then he took a very long, and very deep intake of air.

"**SKREEEEEEEONNNNNK!**"

HOLY FUCKING LOUDEST SHIT FUCK DAMMIT MY FUCKING EARS!

**_'PAIN! FEEL! WHY!?'_**

_**'EVERY FUCKING TIME!'**_

As I… er… we experienced the absolute worst pain of my/our lives… I actually got to see as Godzilla's roar decimated his surroundings. The powerful shock waves exploded from his throat with high oscillatory frequency, destroying targets with a ridiculous resonance that shattered FUCKING STONE!

…

So what I'm saying is Newport was gone.

**_'... Well… Shit.'_**

…

…

Oh Silver Age Gods... please tell me they conveniently evacuated. 

* * *

"Thankfully we managed to Evacuate Newport in time." Said Batman into his earpiece.

Currently, the Dark Knight flew the Batplane at top speed from Gotham towards… Godzilla of all things. It made absolutely no sense for a fictional character to be roaming the countryside... yet... there it was... roaming the countryside.

"_There can't be any mistaking it… That thing is Godzilla._" Said Superman.

"I'm aware Clark."

"_Is he supposed to be THAT big?_"

"No."

That… was far larger than any information on the Cultural Icon indicated… it was at minimum, three times larger than it's largest incarnation.

"_Where do you think it came from Bruce?_"

"If I had to guess… Cell."

"_Seriously? I mean I know he's… Cell, but… actually… you may be onto something._"

The Dark Knight agreed.

As he neared, Bruce saw the Titanic beast. Strangely the creature stopped moving, and just stood perfectly still.

"_What's the game plan?_" Asked Superman.

"Its immobile right now. Observe for now and prepare to engage on my signal. Godzilla is supposed to have a weak spot at the base of his tail. A second brain. That is your target."

"_Understood… wait, what is it doing?_" 

* * *

Godzilla bent his body low, facing the ground. Not quite sure why he was doing that but… oh… his dorsal plates are lighting up… ohhhhh shit this isn't good. Lightning arcd from spine to spine as they glowed a brilliant blue that was beyond blinding. Lightning from the skies above struck the Kaiju as…

…

Heh! Pretty lights.

…

**_'Heh! Oh Gizmo you shouldn't have.'_**

...

Wait! Whut!... oh Son of a! CAN WE NOT LAZULI!

…

...

Heh! Lights are purddy.

Ok now… I have a very VERY buggy brain. When the lights are a-glowing, my attention is 100% focused on those lights, and it is kinda hard for me to focus on anything else to just gawk at the sheer splendor that is Light… That said, what happened next immediately captured the reso of my attention. A massive cone of blue atomic fire exploded from Godzilla that created a growing ring of destruction that tore through everything within at least a five mile radius, with Godzilla at the epicenter. Then… it happened.

And it was. The single. Most GLORIOUS thing I have ever been lucky enough to witness.

You will believe a Godzilla can fly.

Big G's feet left the ground as he began to ascend into the air, rising slowly at first, but steadily gaining speed. As he rose, he curled his tail and grabbed it with his claws. He continued to ascend and accelerate until he past the cloud layer. I watched as he turned his head, and the King of monsters shot off like a rocket towards the east like a very angry meteor.

…

…

This was the greatest day of my life… ever.

_**'Cell… are you on drugs? Are we on drugs?'**_

Nope, but the guy who made Godzilla vs Hedorah certainly was. 

* * *

_"Bruce?"_

…

…

"Yes Clark?"

…

…

_"Is Godzilla flying?"_

…

…

"Yes."

Batman could only watch as the MASSIVE WINGLESS DINOSAUR rocketed off like a fighter jet. The King of the Monsters accelerated until it broke the sound barrier. Creating a massive sonic boom that rocked the Batplane. Immediately Superman took off and Batman quickly followed. Then the Bat Computer began to beep.

_"Trajectory analyzed. Warning, Unidentified Flying Object Destination discovered. Millstone Nuclear Power Plant in Connecticut."_

Batman, upon hearing that, kicked the Batplane into overdrive. He had no real weaponry on his jet that could harm Godzilla. It was a well known fact that military responses only really made Godzilla angry… Batman couldn't believe that he actually thought those words.

"Clark, Godzilla is headed towards the Millstone Nuclear Power Plant. Possibly to feed, we cannot let him get there."

_"I'll see what I can do Bruce."_ said Superman as he rocketed off.

Batman turned off his radio.

…

…

"What the hell happened to my life?" 

* * *

Following after Godzilla was the easy part, the hard part was not getting hypnotised by the… pretty pretty lights. NO! Bad brain, do not do this to me. Ok, lets look at this rationally. Can I defeat a Composite Godzilla?

…

Well, considering that a comic book version of Godzilla turned out to be a planet buster, destroyed the earth, went to hell and made it his bitch, killed the Devil and even Killed God himself… Not to mention that thanks to Marvel comics, Godzilla was on par with Thor in strength, Thor.. Specifically comic book Thor… Who took a solid cylinder of Adamantium that was NOT hollow and managed to dent it… and considering that thanks to Godzilla Earth can one shot a trio of Eldritch Space Dragons from another dimension that warp time and space just by EXISTING… and considering the 2000 Godzilla had Wolverine tier regeneration… Ya know what, considering EVERY SINGLE Godzilla put into one package, I highly HIGHLY doubted I could really do much… AND I CAN BLOW UP PLANETS!

**_'STOP MIND YELLING!'_**

Oh… Sorry Lazuli.. Ok lets look at my options...

I could grow in size, but my max size is much MUCH smaller than Godzilla. I could maybe pull getting to be about a hundred feet tall, but this Godzilla was a THOUSAND feet tall. So in all honesty… Even at my max size, he could step on me, and while strength increases as I get bigger, Ki potential stays about the same. So I needed to come up with ,and WHY IS SUPERMAN HERE!

…

**_'Seriously?_**' mind deadpanned Lazuli.

**_'I mean yeah… It's a giant flying dinosaur… why wouldn't he be here?'_**

…

Oh right, a giant Flying Godzilla is rocketing through the sky… Huh… It would be kinda stupid if he wasn't here actually… Yeah that was a dumb question, sorry guys, my brain may have been overloaded by the… succulent lights.

_**'Ha! Brain, good one, hands down the funniest joke you have ever told.' **_mind thought Lazuli.

…

Well that's just mean.

Regardless, Superman flew towards Godzilla at full speed, heading right for the Kaiju. I… decided to follow. Superman was moving very VERY fast.. Like Flash Levels as he shot full speed at the base of Godzillas tail… Why would he?

…

Oh right, Heisei Godzilla had a second brain there. It was a weak spot… I forgot about that. Regardless, once Superman hit Godzilla, the Kaiju… moved slightly. However this seemed to get Big G's attention, because he stoped breathing atomic fire and slowly twisted in mid air using his massive Bulk. Godzilla crashed into the ground on all fours. Skidding several miles and creating a massive canyon in the earth as he slowly rose to his full height. The Kaiju turned to look around, before Superman shot full speed into his head. Superman managed to turn the head slightly, and immediately Godzillas eyes focused on the Man of Steel. Godzilla took a breath.

…

I covered my ear holes.

**"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEONNNNNNNNNNNNK!"**

The focused oscillatory wave shimmered the very air, as it barreled towards Superman, who crossed his arms in an attempt to block it, to no avail. Once the pressure wave hit Superman with such ferocity that were he a human he would undoubtedly have exploded. Immediately however Superman flew off towards the horizon. Then Godzilla's dorsal plates began to glow and crackle with electricity. I heard the hum of energy as it would churn and stir within the massive titan. Strong electromagnetic pulses and powerful shockwaves were produced from the mere act of charging, which decimated the forest… at least what wasn't already a canyon from Godzillas landing.

I placed my Hands together.

"KA!"

Energy flooded from my being into my palms.

"ME!"

I could hear a sonic boom as Superman was flying as fast as he could back towards Godzilla.

"HA!"

The arcing electricity around Godzilla began to focus around his mouth.

"ME!"

I immediately Instant Transmissione'd in front of Superman, who stopped mid air.

"Cell what are you?" was all Superman could ask before the Atomic Breath produced a beam of concentrated radiation.

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I scream, and released my attack.

Immediately Godzilla's Atomic Breath collided with my Ki, producing a sphere of energy where they met.

The Beam-O-War had begun.

"I'll distract him, you hit him where it hurts!" I screamed as I pushed more power into my attack.

**_'OH GOD WE'RE GONNA DIE! I'M TOO PRETTY TO DIE!'_**  
_**  
'Don't you mean handsome Lapis?'**_

**_'I KNOW WHAT I SAID! I have eyes, I have mirrors. I know what I look like… Jealous?.'_**

…

So ignoring and repressing that, I pushed more power into my attack. Godzilla's beam slowly… but surely was inching its way towards me. At least until Superman attacked the base of his tail with his Heat Vision… A for effort Supes, F for execution. As the beams hit Godzilla, the metallic composition produced a reflective effect that difused the beams and send them all in different directions… So now the forest was EVEN More on fire… That said, Godzilla noticed. And with little effort, his tail swung into Superman, and the Man of Steel was once again sent flying.

…

Where is Composite Superman when you need him... Not the Bisected Batman/Superman Hybrid either, like litterally all Supermen in one. Also, the orb of energy where our attacks met was moving even closer to me…

…

Well at least my eulogy will be awesome.

**_'Worst. Last thought... EVER!'_**

**_'Of All Time!'_**


	38. Obligatory Kaiju Death Battle

**Obligatory Kaiju Death Battle**

All in all… I could have been in a worse situation… I could be in the 40K Warp… that's about all I can think of at the moment. I pushed Ki out of my palms with all my might, but all I managed to do was keep the orb from inching closer. Then Godzilla's dorsal spines bathed the world in luminescence. The Kamehameha all but dissipated as the Atomic beam began to spiral and shift to a red color.

Because I'm not a complete idiot.

**_'Debatable.'_  
**  
I was expecting that Lazuli. So HA! Anyway because I wasn't a complete idiot, I focused on teleporting my happy ass out of the beams path by locking on to Superman. I reappeared next to him as Godzilla's beam kept on going and going. As the beam left out sight, Godzilla turned towards his original direction, and began to walk. Superman watched as the ground once again began to shake.

"I'd hate to ask this Cell… but are you responsible for a fictional monster coming to life?"

"I swear I did not directly cause this in any way shape or form."

True.

**_'Indirectly however...'_**

"I find it funny you use the word directly."

**_'Well, someones quick on the uptake.'_**

Shit he's onto me. Also Shut up Lazuli, I need to think... Got it.

"I can't rule out I am indirectly the cause by sheer virtue of being me."

Technically Correct.

**_'The best kind of correct!'_**

Thank you Lapis, that is very true. I'm buying you a Lamborghini.

**_'FUCK YEAH!'_**

Superman nodded.

"Fair enough I suppose."

"So what's the plan? Cause I don't think going for the second brain is gonna cut it. That thing is part Godzilla Earth. Who had a ridiculous amount of abilities."

"Godzilla Earth?"

…

Oh right it's 2010… that movie hasn't been made yet.

"It was a Godzilla movie back home. The plot was Godzilla showed up, humans fucked off into space and evacuated the planet before having to come back because the planet they were heading to was inhospitable or something. Due to time dilation shenanigans, they were technically gone for 20,000 years and Godzilla evolved into a 300 meter monster. I think my home was ahead of you in Godzilla movies. America was producing a sequel to a rebooted Godzilla series that was supposed to culminate in an eventual Godzilla vs Kong movie."

**_'NEEEEEERD!'_**

Shut up Lazuli.

…

…

"I take it you're a fan?"

"Hell yeah I am. Listen, we're in serious trouble. That isn't any Godzilla. It's like a Composite of all of them. That makes it probably the strongest possible creature on the planet right now."

"Mind giving me a rundown as we follow him?"

"Talk about Godzilla? Don't mind if I do."

We chased after Big G as I told Supes about every possible Godzilla I could think of. Giving him the basics of course before I started moving through the various versions that appeared in other media… like how Godzilla killed the Devil after a nice lovely stroll through hell. Told him every single ridiculous feat I could think of, every odd power and the like… explaining the nightmare that was Shin Godzilla was fun. Jesus, Composite Godzilla is just a pure fucking engine of destruction. I continued listing powers.

"Waving his tail fast enough produces a giant plasma blade that can slice up mountains, he can make fuckhuge leaps to perform gravity defying drop kicks, he's technically psychic - thanks for that one heisei era, hes effectively immortal, he can discharge an omnidirectional nuclear pulse or an EMP that is equivalent to a nuke, and he can just walk out of Hell after killing the Hell God that ruled it...He also had this thing called a phase radar array, so he probably knows we're following him."

Superman looked back to the lumbering titan as it made its way towards Connecticut. Currently, it was on a course that would lead it straight into the Narragansett Bay. According to Supes… who was talking via radio with Batman, Godzilla's course was leading him towards a nuclear power plant in Connecticut.

"Well what are its weaknesses?" Asked Superman.

"Well… It's corporeal…"

**_'Well that helps.'_**

"That's it?"

"Well… he's had several weaknesses over the years, but a lot of them have been retconned. He used to be vulnerable to electricity, now he gains power from it. He once had a weakness to cadmium. Anti-nuclear bacteria has had an effect on him, though Godzilla's immune system was ultimately able to conquer it. To date, the single weapon ever revealed to be genuinely effective against Godzilla was Dr. Serizawa's Oxygen Destroyer… and even that might not work on a composite."

"Great." Said Superman a tad sarcastic.

…

**_'Ok it's fine when I do it… but seeing that face produce sarcasm is just… oh so wrong.'_**  
_  
_  
**_'Yeah it's like… that time we caught Batman smiling…'_  
**  
Oh God... When did that happen?

**'You weren't there... He was proud of Robin or someting, but I was not aware he possessed the muscles to smile.**'

...

I feel dirty all of a sudden.. and I don't know why.

...

Oh right Superman. I almost forgot.

"He's a giant radioactive semi-aquatic dinosaur/marine iguana hybrid with a psuedo-plantlike biology incorporating metal into its biology with the collective Spirits of Victims of World War II."

"Anything else?"

…

…

"Probably not."

Godzilla then… stopped. His head twisted to the distance… then he sniffed the air. I don't know what happened next, but Godzilla started to growl. His stance became defensive as he slowly turned and headed off in another direction. When I saw him inhale, I covered my ears.

**"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEONNNK!"**

"What is he doing?" Asked Superman.

"I dont…"

Our conversation was immediately interrupted by a squadron of jets passing us by and heading towards Godzilla.

…

"HAS NO ONE IN WASHINGTON SEEN A KAIJU MOVIE!"

…

…

Wait… kaiju movie…

…

…

Oh!

"I think… I think I know what Big G is doing."

"What?" Asked Supes.

When Supes saw my face, his own grew with concern… which was nice. I felt nice. Still, I was hesitant to say it out loud for fear of invoking a literary convention… but I could see no other reason.

"I think Godzilla found something he wants to fight."

"You don't mean…."

"Obligatory Kaiju Death Battle."

"But there isn't anything close to that size on this planet… we would have found it by now."

"Where is he heading?"

Superman put his finger to his ear, and was silent before his face fell.

"It's heading to Ivy Town."

…

Isn't that the home of the Atom? Could that be it? I was fairly certain Atom wasn't apart of the League, so he can't be at his full power… but he could still turn giant… could that be it? Or was it something else? 

* * *

_I hurt._

_Eons have passed, I have seeded life across earth. I fed and I grew… now I only hurt._

_My power has waned._

_I am far weaker than ever before._

_Am I dying?_

_Am I to be no more?_

_Wait…_

_What is that?_

_I feel… something approach._

_What are you?_

_Then I heard it's echoing call._

**"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEONNNK!"**

_That cacophony? It is music. The sound of old gods risen once more. The roar af the atomic bomb... The call of mutation. However there is… something to it. I feel… satiated._

_Since the vile cure permeated the air I have been left to wither and decay. However… I feel it. A power unlike any other. Something similar… something… different._

_I project my mind outwards into the beyond, and I tap at the surface of this… Godzilla?_

_Curious._

_What?_

_What is that?_

_Souls… so many souls. Human souls, all shackled together, working with another mind… a simple mind… no… not simple… the mind is not simple… it is… driven… focused… It senses me. It approaches me. Is this beast to be my executioner?_

_No… I will not die like this._

_I touch the beasts essence… and I feel… IT._

_Yes this creature has IT._

_I begin to shift my body, mimicking my would be executioner… but only the part of it that possesses my essence. The part with delicious sickness. I will absorb and become you beast. I shall show these mortals what happens when they reject my gifts. The greatest gift I have ever given them. The gift of the Immortal Cell. The gift of that which replicates infinitely. The gift of Cancer._

_They reject me!_

_THEY REJECT ME!_

_I the one who decides who would prosper and survive their own evolution and who would serve only as food._

_NO MORE!_

_This Godzilla… he possesses my gift… to a degree, but he has made it his own. However I can draw power from it… and I will become it. I will take the Cancer from him and I shall spread and grow like a tumor across this world. My gifts were once used sparingly… only on a select few, but no more._

_All shall be stricken._

_All shall be sickened._

_All shall be made like me._

_All shall be… M'nagalah, the Cancer God._

_I awaken._

* * *

Nope. Drawing blanks. It has to be Atom.

Well either way the King of Monsters started to leg it… not that hard when your legs were over 400 feet long by themselves really. His dorsal spines weren't glowing, but they were arcing with lightning that continued to strike from the growing storms above. The Jets continued to fire upon Godzilla which the Kaiju promptly ignored. The King had bigger fish to fry.

"It's like he doesn't even notice." Said Superman.

**_'Yeah... that is usually how it goes.'_ **Thought Spoke Lapis.

I had to agree with that assessment. What are rockets to a giantest and most awesome of Nuclear Nasties in all of fiction. I wouldn't even compare it to a flea bite really... more like a gentle breeze on a warm summer night.

**_'Oddly specific.'_**

"He probably doesn't notice. He's laser focused on something. I want to say it's Atom… but I can't really be sure. Does Atom have any giant villains?"

Ones I'm unaware of that is.. I did not read a whle lot of Atom Comics.

"None on that scale that's for sure." said Superman.

"Well… shit, I'd hate to be Atom right now."

Again, assuming that is what Godzilla was headed for.

"You can destroy planets, are you sure you can't do… something against Godzilla?"

"Against some of them… yeah, but against a Composite… well he kills Gods. Big G is out of our league right now. At best he's bare minimum in straight up New God territory… at worse he's an Eldritch Personification of would need a power unlike any other to deal with him. Like… a really big slingshot."

Superman just deadpan stared at me.

"Really?"

"What? I can't help that my brain does stuff."

**_'Acknowledging that is the first step to recovery.'_**

Thanks Lazuli, real helpful.

**_'Just trying to get you to be honest with yourself.'_**

…

…

_**'The joke is you don't have a brain.'**_

Turns out, you don't need one. Also thank you for clarifying Lapis. I'd be lost without you.

**_'You're welcome bro.'_**

…

…

**_'Lapis… did you just use sarcasm?'_**

**_'Huh? What's that? I'm reading Where the Wild Things Are.'_**

Well… It's a good story. So yeah… Just do that I guess… First Mxy goes insane, then Godzilla shows up, then Superman does Sarcasm, then Lapis does even more sarcasm... Man what is with today?

**_'You unintentionally released a reality warping Imp who thought it was a good idea to snatch the King of Monsters and bring him to this reality for shits and giggles._'**

Thank you again Lapis for clarifying.

**_'It's what I do.'_**

**_'It really isn't.'_**

**_'Ha! He's stuck on an island with monsters wearing only pajamas… classic.'_**

…

I think them being in my brain…

**_'Head.'_** Insisted Lazuli.

…

I think them being in my brain is starting to affect them more… Oh well, it can't be helped.

**_'NOBODY MOVE… I dropped Cells Brain!'_**

…

…

…

Wat!?

**_'Just joking. Lol. This is fun.'_**

…

Dammit Lapis… I'm trying to concentrate.

**_'Yeah sorry. I finished Where the Wild Things Are… got bored.'_**

Riveting.

"Are you alright?" Asked Superman.

"Hm! What's that?"

"You seem… distracted."

**_'Yeah is the Giant Monster not entertaining enough?'_** Mind thought Lazuli.

Oh no it most certainly is, I just keep getting distracted by the two voices in my head that won't shut up when Godzilla is rampaging.

**_'Point taken.'_**

"Sorry, got lost in our thoughts."

"Our?"

"It's complicated."

**_'And really creepy when you think about it.'_**

…

Yeah… it kinda is… GAH! Stop squicking me out.

As I sorted whatever THAT was out in my head, I noticed that we were dangerously close to Ivy Town... but then Godzilla stopped several hundred meters from it and took a mighty gulp of air. Palms of Ear protection a-go-go baby.

**"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEONNNK!"**

The King of Monsters then waited... for what I don't know, but seeing as he was currently immobile. I turned to Superman.

"Ok, I'm going to go as Big as I can and switch on my Multiform. Four of us might be able to at least tire him out."

"I'll be doing what I can." Said Supes.

With a nod I summoned three copies of myself.

"Oh, it feels so good to be Perfect." Said Also Cell.

"Yeah, how come you never call us out when you're at full… this feels awesome." Said Other Cell.

"Lets just grow big." Said the Bugman Currently Known as Cell.

With a nod, I agreed immediately.

I raised my arms to the sky.

"Inekchok!" I screamed like Apache Chief… not that it was necessary mind you… but since when has that ever stopped me from doing anything.

I was currently about… well If I was standing on the ground, I would be as tall as Godzillas knees… that's comforting... Wait... That would make me almost 400 feet tall... Damn, not bad actually.

"Magic Ki, Make this monster GROW!" Screamed Also Cell like he was fucking Rita Repulsa or something.

He joined me in big ass hugeness.

"Aw c'mon man you took the good one." Said Other cell.

"TOUGH SHIT!"

Other Cell Only sighed… then smiled.

…

"JETTO JAGAA! PANCHI! PANCHI PANCI!" Screamed Other Cell.

Aww man, why didn't I think of using gratuitous engrish and sing the Jet Jaguar theme… dammit.

"OH NICE!"

"Bigguns!" Said the Bugman Currently Known as Cell.

…

…

"Bigguns… really?"

"OH FUCK YOU YOU ALL TOOK THE AWESOME ONES!"

He had a point there.

Alright lets...

_"SkKrREeEeEeEeEeOoOoOoNnNnKk!"_

…

What was that? That didn't come from Godzilla. In fact... It sounded like it came from under the goddamn ground... Which is probably why suddenly the ground began to quake as a slumbering beast beneath it began to awaken from some long forgotten slumber... or something, I'm just guessing at this point. Godzilla remained immobile as he started to Growl at whatever it was that was coming.

_'So… MuCh...PoWeR!'_

The voice was… wrong. It produced a tone that could not exist. Also, and stay with me on this one because it is the most important aspect as to this VOICE OF EVIL... IT WAS SPOKEN INSIDE MY FUCKING BRAIN!  
_  
'I mUsT hAvE mOrE, I wIlL hAvE mOrE, iT aLl ShAlL bE mInE!'_

The ground began to squirm as something massive stirs beneath. I could feel a presence unlike any I have ever known. A malevolence with intent and purpose.

Then a giant… thing arose. Godzilla watched intently as a horrific abomination rose from the earth. It had multiple lashing tails, multiple reptilian heads, multiple clawed arms. And worst of all… it looked like an EVEN WORSE version of Shin Godzilla… tumors and eyes covered its neurotic skin as jagged teeth came out from everywhere around it. All of its spines glowed a brilliant purple. It's shoulder possessed a massive maw that diagonally bisected its chest with rows of teeth, and its bulbous fish like eyes stared blankly in all directions.

**_'WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!'_**

**_'EW! EW! EW! GROSS GROSS GROSS!'_**

Then the main head of this ShinGoji Abomination turned to Composite Godzilla.

_"SkKrREeEeEeEeEeOoOoOoNnNnKk!"_

…

…

What.

The.

Actual.

FUCK!

…

Oh… shit I forgot about the Cancer God… Double FUCK.

* * *

A/N: I also have a drawing of the Cancer God assumin the form of Shin Godzilla. Look up 'Beastrider9 Shin Godzilla Meltdown' you'll find it.


	39. Place Your Bets

**Place Your Bets**

Composite Godzilla looked to it's new eldritch opponent, and the intimidation display of FUCKING MOUNTAIN MONSTERS!

**"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEONNNK!"** Roared the Composite Godzilla.

_"SkKrREeEeEeEeEeOoOoOoNnNnKk!"_ Roared the Cancer God.

The roar that tore from the many many MANY throats of the Cancer God sounded… somewhat Similar to the traditional Godzilla Roar, but it was far more trill and it's pitch and cadence would rise and fall as the roar bellowed.

…

…

"KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

"THROW A PHOENIX DOWN ON IT! KILL THE UNDEAD!"

"WE NEED MORE CLONES! WAY MORE! KAGE BUSHIN NO JUTSU… WHY ISN'T IT WORKING!"

"WE MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS!"

"CELL!" screamed Superman.

Immediately me and the myselves turned to the Man of Steel. He was looking back and forth from Composite Godzilla to the Cancer God. He was also… really really tiny. It was kinda adorable.

"Ok, you take the…"

"No… I know what this is. We have to help Godzilla kill that thing."

"HE DESTROYED NEWPORT!"

"Yeah, but at least he isn't the Kaiju version of John Carpenter's The Thing."

Superman averted his eyes to gaze at the Cancer God. Currently both Kaiju were sizing each other up. The Cancer God, after its visceral evolution to assume the form of a heavily deformed and mutated Shin Godzilla, was slightly smaller than Composite Godzilla, but only slightly. It's multiple tails however waved around it like tentacles ready to strike. Each head and large dead-looking fish eyes was focusing on the Composite before it with a gaze best described as hungry. It was… really fucking freaky to look at...like a cancerous coral reef made up of Godzilla. Then, it simply started to plod forward, looking almost vacant, not really looking at or seeing anything around it but the target of its hunger.

"Fine! But when it's over we have to do something about Godzilla."

That sounds like a job for... probably not me.

"Why not just lead him out of here with nukes?"

"Lets just punch the monster Cell."

"Agreed! Ready guys?" I yelled to my clones.

"No!"

"Hell no!"

"Fuck No!"

"GUYS!"

Seriously? You're making me look bad in front of the Man of Steel.

"Fine!" They all said simultaneously.

**_'Great… they're actually dumber than you.'_**

Ignoring Lazuli, we turned to the Cancer God as it awkwardly began to lumber forward. Godzilla twisted his body, his tail rearing back. The tip of his tail began to glow and crackle with power before he swung his tail at supersonic speeds. As the tail sweep lashed out in a horizontal arc, it produced a plasma shockwave that tore through the landscape, slicing treetops as it ignited the forest on fire. When the plasma blade struck the Cancer God, it sliced clean through, however it proved to be not quite as effective as it really should have been. The Cancer God created tendrils of flesh that would heal its body as the plasma blade passed through it, and while it should have been sliced clean in half, it simply continued to awkwardly walk forward as its spines began to glow and it's jaw unhinged unnaturally wide. As the bottom jaw extended eldritch purple light was produced with the atomic furnace that was its throat. Each head began to vomit radioactive ash as the lights travelled up its many tails.

Dozens of atomic beams exploded from each head and tail, and all were aimed at Composite Godzilla. I flew in as fast as I could, dodging the many beams of nuclear death that emanated from the Cancer Gods being. I flung Ki Blasts at it, attempting to hit its eyes. My clone brothers were likewise doing the same thing. Effectively making our main contribution to the fight as glorified air support. A Kaiju Sized Old School Dogfight of sorts, only with radioactive laser beams instead of proper enemy planes. We banked and rolled around the beams as we fired off with Ki energy of our own. We were like a quartet of 1940s spitfires, AND IT WAS AWESOME!

Superman, by sheer virtue of being much smaller, actually managed to avoid the beams rather well, and even was using his heat vision to incinerate parts of the Cancer God, who thankfully didn't possess the same diffusion capabilities of Composite Godzillas scales.

Speaking of Composite Godzilla, he tanked the atomic beams quite easily, but as he did… I noticed something. His body began to produce steam from the intense heat he generated. The stone beneath his feet melted into molten rock as his dorsal plates lit up. It was clear that while he could take the damage, his surroundings couldn't. We were also scary close to Ivy Town, granted it was several kilometers away, but that more than put it in the metaphorical and quite literal splash zone.

We had to take out the Cancer God fast, before Connecticut gets renamed 'The Great Scorch'.

Then Superman went in for the punch… what happened next was equal parts awesome… and disgusting. As his fist connected with the beasts eye, Superman punched THROUGH the Cancer God… and bores into its head… before flying out the other side of it's skull covered in… ew… Tumor Blood.

He examined himself before spinning at high speeds, flinging the Gore off himself as he decided that heat vision was both effective and far less disgusting. Despite the Cancer God being far less durable than Composite Godzilla, it more than made up for that with regeneration on par with the King of Monsters.

Then Composite Godzilla burst with power as a spiraling nuclear beam extended from his maw to hit the Cancer God directly in its chest.

_"SkKrREeEeEeEeEeOoOoOoNnNnKk!"_ The Cancer God cried in pain.

It wasn't to last however. Fleshy tendrils and entrails within the hole in its chest began to squirm out of the wound to assimilate nearby trees, animals, and other organic matter to repair its wound. It took mere moments to close the hole and most notably, its has become a slightly more vibrant green color from the assimilation of plant matter.

"Well… shit."

"My sentiments exactly." Said Superman as he looked up to the sky.

The Man of Steel turned to me.

"I'll be right back, hold them off for me."

"Wait WHAT!?" I screamed, but it was already too late, the Man of Steel flew off into the sky and disappeared from my view… I then looked to the Cancer God and the King of Monsters.

"OH COME ON!"

"Well… looks like we're on our own right now." Said Also Cell.

I nodded.

"Then Let's hit him hard, and hit him fast!"

We exploded into action. We didn't stop our assault the entire time. Ki proved to be more than capable of doing some damage to the Cancer God… I could probably lash out with a planet buster attack… but unlike the time I incinerated Ranx… This time the threat was actually on a planet… and I like Earth… my stuff is here. I really didn't want to chance it, and to be even more honest… I was fucking terrified of what it would mean if it didn't actually work… I couldn't tell just how much of Godzilla M'nagalah managed to… emulate? Assimilate? Whatever…

Maybe we could get him airborne… there couldn't be any of him left otherwise he'd just come back… I needed something that was powerful enough to kill Me permanently, and wasn't so uncontrollable that I might accidentally hit the very planet I'm trying to protect.

I should also mention right now that the military jets were around shooting both Kaiju… neither of which seemed to notice… I know that in American Giant Monster movies that just shooting the fucker usually works… but these aren't American Giant Monsters… they're an amalgam of all iterations of the world's most famous Japanese Kaiju and Eldritch Cancer God who managed to at least partially assimilate some of Godzilla respectively… in other words, Missiles? What missiles?

The Cancer God then lumbered closer, managing to finally close the distance. The massive maw between its head and right shoulder - said shoulder also had its own Godzilla Head- opened wide as it leaned forward to clamp its shoulder teeth around Composite Godzilla's neck…  
**_  
'Thats Gross.' _**Thought spoke Lapis.

**_'I may never eat again.'_**

Then the maw produced dozens of tentacle like tongues.

…

_*BARF!*_

…

So yeah… I just Threw up a tiny TINY Lazuli and immediately turned to Semi-Perfect Cell.

…

…

"I have become Hugh-Jacked Mann!"

...

I'm totally gonna need to remember that name if I ever go incognito as Semi-Perfect Cell.

**_'I'm game. Sounds like fun.'_** Thought Lapis.

Tiny Lazuli's eyes were wide as she noted the gross slime she was now covered in.

…

She remained absolutely motionless.

…

"Worst. Day. EVER!"

It was at this point I noted that my clones themselves reverted forms… because apparently that's how that works now.

…

"DA' FUK!" Screamed Other Cell.

"WE'RE JACKED! WE'RE SOMEHOW WEAKER BUT JACKED AS FUCK! HOW DOES THAT WORK!" screamed the Bugman Currently Known as Cell.

"ALSO CELL NEEDS PERFECT BADLY! ALSO CELL NEEDS PERFECT BADLY! RIGHT NOW PLEASE!"

Also Cell raised a very good point… turning to the… FUCKING LIVID Lazuli. I kinda didn't want to ask… buuuuut….

"Ummm… Lazuli…"

"Never. Speak of this. Again… just… just get it over with."

Wasting no time, my massive tail funneled out and I tail swallowed Lazuli.

…

…

So I was Perfect again… and I felt very unclean right about now.

**_'Think on it a second more and I'm going to start wrecking your brain.'_**

Ok… so ignoring that which did not happen.

**_'Damn right it didn't.'_**

It didn't take long for my clones to also achieve perfection… you know what… I really got to see how my various abilities work and interact with each other. I turned back to the fucking nightmare show as the Cancer God tried in vain to find some part of Composite Godzilla it could absorb, but apparently the King of the Monsters was just too damn indestructible for that. The shoulder teeth actually broke against the titans skin, which had superheated even more. Causing parts of the Cancer God to actually burn from Godzilla's touch. However, while the maw was clamped around Godzillas neck, that meant the head was incapable of maneuvering to aim an atomic breath at the Cancer God attempting to eat him.

**"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEONNNK!"** Roared the King as It's entire being began to flash.

Each flash was accompanied by a sound akin to a beating heart mixed with an alternating current, before Godzilla began to emit an omnidirectional atomic shockwave. The Nuclear Pulse actually launched the Cancer God many kilometers away, and leveled what remained of the forest. The Nearby Ivy Town however… seemed oddly untouched. Considering the constant Science vs Magic shenanigans that go on in that place… it probably has some form of protection, but still… seeing an untouched city surrounded by absolute devastation was… creepily uncanny. The Cancer God rose to its full height.

_"SkKrREeEeEeEeEeOoOoOoNnNnKk!"_

As it Roared, Godzilla acknowledged his opponent, but did not roar back… oh no, instead what happened next was truly a magnificent sight to behold. Godzilla took several steps back as he slammed his tail multiple times on the ground in preparation… and then he got a running start to made a fuckhuge leap and use his Showa eras epic gravity defying drop kick.

The Cancer God fucking splattered.

Gore and viscera exploded as Composite Godzilla continued through the Cancer God and landed on his feet a couple of kilometers away. The King of Monsters quickly turned around, and roared.

**"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEONNNK!"**

Then something disgusting happened. Say what you will about the Cancer God… it was repulsively creative. In a display of unapologetic grotesquely brutal regeneration, the splattered remnants of the Cancer God morphed and formed into nightmare Godzillalings. Saurian headed worms, fleshy starfish of radioactive meat, and macabre reptilian lizards with tumorous swollen gills skittered and scurried back to the remaining lower torso of the Cancer God which still managed to move woth swaying tails as the rest of the creature began to reform.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

**_'DON'T YOU DARE THROW UP!'_**

…

…

_*GULP!*_

…

…

**_'That's gross dude.'_** Mind spoke Lapis.

Just be happy you don't currently have access to a stomach. Cause at this point… a digestive system is seriously overrated.

**_'Never use those combination of words ever again. I do NOT need to be reminded of where I technically am right now.'_**

Alright, point taken. So anyway the Cancer God fully reformed himself back to normal. It was facing away from Composite Godzilla, and was blankly staring straight ahead outright detached from everything around it. All but dead to the world with an uncanny zombie-like demeanor. Much like that of the actual Shin Godzilla, it made me wonder how much of the original Cancer God remained, the mass curing of many diseases, especially Cancer following the Yellow Lantern invasion no doubt weakened it significantly, perhaps assimilating Godzilla was it's last and only chance at survival… whatever the case, my musing was cut short as its spines started to glow.

It was still facing away from Godzilla as it channeled its stolen nuclear energy and released a salvo of atomic lasers through his dorsal fins and the tip of its many tails.

Other Cell could not dodge in time and was obliterated into nothing as we all scrambled to avoid the beams. They struck Godzilla, and perhaps most impressively, actually pushed the King Of Monsters back slightly. Godzilla began to heat up even more, until the ground itself couldn't take it, and it started to melt. Godzilla roared as it sank into the newly formed pool of lava as the beams from the Cancer God died down. The abomination of flesh slowly turned its massive bulk and began to shamble forward slowly, but methodically, towards Godzilla.

_'HuNgEr!'_

Came a blasphemous voice within my mind.

**_'God Damn that feels wrong.'_**

**_'Chemo That Bastard!'_**

…

You know what… this shit right here… this shit is beyond fucked up…. Then I heard a Sonic Boom as Superman rocketed from above towards the Cancer God, blasting out a Fuckhuge cone of eye lasers. It actually tore through the Cancer God as well as Godzillas Atomic Breath. Either way… I was just Glad I wasn't alone in this.

"Damn son, that was awesome!"

"Sorry for the abrupt exit, had to go take a dip in the sun."

Oh fuck! It's on now!

So I expended a bit more Ki to resummon Other Cell. He was still giant, which was a good thing. Who looked… really confused about something.

"Did I fucking die?"

"Well… not anymore." I said.

My other two clones were up close and personal with the Cancer God, punches and Ki blast A-hoi. We joined in the fight. It didn't escape me that the Cancer God was a lot smaller than before. Before it was just under Composite Godzilla in terms of size, now it was a head shorter. Which was good, it meant we were actually doing something. And with the massive inferno going on, there weren't really any more trees for it to assimilate. So Superman, Other Cell, and I joined in. Doing what we can as the Cancer God approached the newly formed pool of Lava. Godzilla managed to climb its way out of the pool and back on land. The King of Monsters turned to the Cancer God, and growled as it bent low. Then Godzilla full on Charged the Cancer God. The King moved so fast… that the resulting pressure difference as he sprinted created a blast of cool air behind him that caused the lava pool to harden almost immediately. As Godzilla approached, his dorsal spines glowed blue before shifting to a brilliant red. He dove just past the Cancer God, maneuvering mid air with a blast of atomic breath to turn slightly. The glowing Dorsal Spines atop the King sliced through the Cancer God like knives, and the tumor beast released a roar of pain. When Godzilla landed on all fours he immediately got up and turned far faster than a creature of his size really should be capable of and unleashed a red spiral ray from his mouth.

At the same time, thanks to the spirit of tropes or something, me and the clones managed to all blast the Cancer God with a four way Kamehameha while Supes released the full might of his heat vision. I don't actually think that much power was necessary… but damn if it wasn't awesome, and it really did the trick. Whatever remained of the Cancer God was no more, as it gave one last roar of defiance.

_"SkKrREeEeEeEeEeOoOoOoNnNnKk!"_

The battle was over, nothing remained of the Cancer God but atomic vapor.

The King of Monsters took a huge gulp of air, and roared triumphantly.

**"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEONNNK!"**

I think we've learned a valuable lesson here today. I just wish someone could tell me what it is… don't fuck with Godzilla probably.

* * *

"After the battle, Godzilla returned to the sea. We managed to lure him to the Antarctic with carefully detonated nuclear weapons…he's currently in hibernation. All in all. Not as much damage as an incident of this scale really should have been." Said Batman.

"And the death toll?" Asked Wonder Woman.

"Two, the Cancer God was one of them… the other turned out to be a Vampire."

"Something strange is happening." Said Wonder Woman.

"I'll admit… it's strange, but hardly something to complain about." Said Superman.

"Perhaps, but I can't help but shake the feeling that this isn't a coincidence. This is by design. It seems to be helpful for now, but it isn't something we should rely on. What if it's only preventing death for now, what if it starts causing them?"

"Bruce… don't you think you're being paranoid?" Asked Superman.

…

…

"Right, stupid question."

* * *

Well… that was certainly fun. After getting Supes to punch Lapis and Lazuli outta me, things quickly returned to normal. Bonus points, the Green Lanterns were back, and repairs were ago. Still… I wonder where they went? Probably had something to do with Scarecrow now taking over the Yellow Lantern Corps. I wasn't gonna pry, I had far more things to worry about… well worry is such a strong word. I could handle whatever else Mxy summoned.

* * *

Within the Underworld, things had taken a turn for the chaotic. A spirit far more powerful than should be possible was felling Demons left and right while laughing.

"C'mon bub, is that really the best you got? At this rate I'm gonna be king of this joint."

The infernal lord roared at the spirit who dared to meddle with the forces of Hell, but in response the spirit only laughed as It's yellow teeth formed into a smile. He brushed off his black and white pinstripe suit.

"It's Showtime!"


	40. Blues Brothers 3000

**Blues Brothers 3000**

I live in a universe where Godzilla exists.. FUCKING AWESOME! Seriously. I mean sure, there was no telling what else Mxy had out there… but fuck it, we have a Godzilla motherfucker, a Composite at that. Damn thats awesome. I feel sorry for any kaiju that decides to show up now, because Muh Boi is here! Anyway, I was back in the mountain, which was actually being rebuilt this time. The Green Lanterns were back, and were acting as glorified construction workers… and I was being an asshole… for the past 3 hours.

"_GL the Builder! Can we fix it! GL the Builder Yes We Can!_"

"Please stop singing Cell!"

I... Most certainly did not. What do you take me for, a guy who doesn't commit? I at the very least was going to finish my little Bob the Builder remix if nothing else. Of course it's not a really long song, so there was that.

"Are ya done?" Asked Hal.

A loaded question if there ever was one. Sometimes the best winning move is not to play.

"You really should know the answer to that question Mr. Lantern. So how goes the repairs there Mario?"

Hal Jordon could only sigh.

"See it's funny because you have the most powerful weapon in the universe and you're using it to fix the plumbing."

I mean... Mario was supposed to be a plumber, but for a plumber he never actually seems to plumb. Unless going through those green pipes cpunt as plumbing... In which case ew!

"I get it Cell."

"Say I'm getting Lapis a Lamborghini, think you can help with a tune up?"

"Cell… just… just fuck you in particular."

…

"Yeah that's fair."

I suppose that was enough. It has been three hours of annoying a guy woth a ring whose only limits were its users imagination. Actually now that I had a Lantern here… I do wonder where they have been this whole time.

"So what's going up with the Yellow Lanterns?"

Hal looked to me, before he purposefully looked away. Then his face actually became relieved... My theory was he found something serious to talk about without devolving into the usual insanity I bring.

"Bad, very bad. First the Scarecrow takes over, every single Green Lantern gets recalled, and now we can't find the… never mind."

That… sounded suspicious.

"What? Oh is it a secret? I Love Secrets. I'm good at keeping them."

Seriously I've been here this long and no one knows that I know their secret identities... and I prefer to keep it that way.

"Not really, It's nothing. We just lost contact with another corp."

"Blue Lanterns?"

Hal looked back at me as he managed to continue fixing up the place without even paying attention to what he was doing. Actually that's kinda awesome.

"How much do you know about the other Lantern Corps?"

"I know they exist. So which one was it, I'm guessing from your tone that it is one of the less… psycho ones."

Hal nodded.

"The Indigo Tribe."

"Ah, I see… Think Scarecrow might have something to do with it?"

"When he first took over the Yellows, the Guardians were actually relieved, however… well some of us took their reduced number as a chance to attack. It didn't go well. They're... Different than before."

"How so?"

"I don't wanna talk about it."

I… probably shouldn't press the issue, something about how Hal said that made me feel it was a subject he didn't want to talk about. Chances are he knew more… but if he didn't want to reveal that… well it's probably none of my business.

"I'll drop it."

"...Thanks... I appreciate it."

He looks sad... I don't like Sad Hal. It makes me sad... Gonna need to do something about that.

…

…

"Hey GL, you could have just started existing a few seconds ago and all your memories up to now could be a fabrication… but you'll never know."

"CAN WE NOT!"

Back to normal. 

* * *

Within an ancient castle in London, the Queen of Vampires, Mary Seward raged.

"Another dead. From an attack of a supposedly fictional monster of all things!"

She sat alone in her room. Her servents banished as she steamed in her wrath. Her anger originating from a series of events, starting at Boston, where the Vampires were outed to the world long before her master plan could come to fruition. Now her armies seemed so small in comparison to those that call themselves heroes. Another agent was sent to Ivy Town, in an attempt to gain a foothold on it and the supernatural atmosphere it emanated… and then it was attacked by a giant monster, and not just any giant monster, but the most famous giant monster in all of cinema who turned out to be very much a real creature. At the current rate of failure, it would only be a matter of time before they were no more. It was infuriating.

"Jeez, babe. Calm down why don't cha. It's not like it's the end of the world… yet."

Mary rose to her feet, claws extended as she examined her surroundings.

"Who is there… Show yourself."

"Afraid it doesn't work like that babe. Not yet. You want me to appear, well you're gonna have to say it once, say it twice, and say it thrice."

"WHERE ARE YOU!"

"Look to your left Da Vinci!"

Mary turned immediately, ready to strike… only to see nothing but a window overlooking the courtyard.

"NO GAMES! SHOW YOURSELF!"

"Oh sonova… LOOK AT THE DAMN REFLECTION!"

Mary focused, only to see…

…

…

"About time you notice me. Seriously you're dense. Jeez, can't a dead guy get a break."

"Are you…"

…

…

"So you gonna say it, or leave me hanging here?"

"You're… Betelgeuse."

That's one.

The spirit smiled more as he put a hand to his ear.

"What's that? I couldn't quite hear you! Speak up babes."

The vile revenant appeared only in the reflection of the window, staring back at her from beyond. This… this just was…

…

…

"But… Beetlejuice was a movie!"

That's twice... She had to be careful not to say it a third time.

"Huh! Switch the spelling, you know. You're the first person to get that right on the first try. I can tell by the tone how you spell it in our head..." said Betelgeuse as he tapped a pale finger to his temple."...Then you go back to the way that the movie spelled it, at least stick to it babe… Though I gotta admit, it's nice to be appreciated. I get my own movie, animated series, I hear I was on broadway. I mean, if anyone deserved it. It woulda been me. But can they at least get the spelling right?"

"I am educated enough to know the names of stars. More importantly, Why are you even here, you're not real!"

"Well neither is the Giant Dinosaur or the… other guy." said Betelgeuse.

…

"Other guy? There's another one!?"

How many supposedly functional people turned out to be real.

"Let's not talk about that clown. He creeps even me out. It's not like you're one to talk, pretty sure Dracula isn't real to most people."

"Fair point I suppose. I just… I need to know what is going on, I have had enough setbacks as it is without being blindsided."

Betelgeuse frowned.

"...You're being really annoying about not saying it again. C'mon, spelling doesn't matter, just say it one more time."

"I'm not an idiot, talk. What is going on."

The Poltergeist raised his hands in a gesture that all but screamed at Mary to 'Calm the Fuck Down!' which only served to make her get just a bit more angry at the creature.

"Alright, listen. This magic Imp guy summoned three guys from across time and space, the Big Lizard was one, I'm another, and seeing as I'm more important, I'll just tell ya what I've been up to, you're gonna love it. See I've been in Hell for a while, really cleaning up the joint after some big red wise guy thought throwing me into the abyss was a good idea. I... Took exception to that. Yadda yadda yadda and I now got a rep down here. Turns out, the old boss isn't around and the guy in charge isn't very hands on with the place. I got me a posse. I've been listening to your little issue, and I have a.. Let's call it a proposition."

Mary rose a brow, before crossing her arms.

"I'm listening."

In response, the ghostly figure reached into his pinstripe suit, and pulled out…a wedding ring.

…

"You can't be serious?"

Betelgeuse rolled the ring in his fingers as he smiled.

"That depends, do you want to have the Ghost with the Most and his army of spirits and demons on your side or not? Listen this whole say my name three times bullshit is bullshit. Especially where almost everyone knows who I am and how to deal with me."

…

"You do raise a good point. Wait... Are you... did you… really take over Hell?"

"Some of it, yeah. Turns out they work on the Klingon method of Promotion, might makes right and all that, not like it was hard. I just flushed this old Duke guy down the infernal toilet… Literally by the way. Apparently demons still gotta…"

"Please don't finish that sentence."

"Then say it one more time. Go on, I dare ya."

"How do I know I can trust you?"

"I'm going to assume you at least saw the movie, I'm a lot of things babes, and one of those things is I'm a man of my word. That much you can be sure of sweet cheeks."

"Do not call me that!"

"Whatever you say babes."

"Oh, just drop dead."

The spirit smiled.

"Too Late."

Mary groaned, deliberately turning away from the infuriating spirit.

"You're not doing yourself any favors to make me trust you."

In response, Betelgeuse only laughed hysterically. He looked up at her, wiping a tear from his eye.

"You kiddin' me? I'm big time Babes. A household name, they'll be lining up to get with the most eligible bachelor in this world or the next. I can have any woman I want, see you're really asking the wrong question. What you should ask is, can I afford not to have some good old help from beyond the grave or not. Cause right now, you guys don't seem to be doing so hot with your take over the world shtick."

Mary steeled herself, before taking a deep breath.

"Betelguese."

The reflection smiled back at her, and opened his arms wide.

"Showtime baby!"

Suddenly, and without warning, the glass shattered, as did every other window in the room. The laws of physics themselves seemed to bend, the architecture twisting into impossible shapes through shifting kaleidoscopic motions that were almost hypnotic.

…

…

And then someone pinched her ass.

_*SLAP!*_

"OW! Worth it!" 

* * *

"We're on a mission from God!"

Lex groaned. Ok so currently there was me and Other Cell both dressed up like the Blues Brothers, with the ever important suit, fitted sunglasses, and hats hanging from our respective horns. Why? Well because we are on a mission from God right now… literally. God Lex gave us very explicit instructions, and I'll be damned (probably literally) if we weren't going to oblige the all powerful ex-business tycoon turned deity… God our lives are weird… and that is a MASSIVE fucming understatement.

"Oh God why is there TWO of you!" Asked the ever exacerbated Lex Luthor.

"Well, Everybody Needs Somebody ya know."

"Yeah, we're two trolls with filthy mouths and bad attitudes, and we're here because God himself told us to annoy you."

"It was so peaceful without you here! Why do you insist on ruining my day. Do you just exist to make my life miserable."

Well… the answer to that question really should be obvious.

"You are a member of a group of people who want to take over the world or something. Really the whole Light is kinda asking for it."

"YES! YES! JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST, I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!" Screamed Other Cell.

"What light?!" I immediately asked as I looked around the room for a source of light to smash my face into.

No seriously, I wanna see the pretty lights… like a whole lot. You don't have a moth brain, so you don't know the pure unadulterated majesty that is light. Lex responded to our reference by just slumping in his chair.

…

Thats a funny word… slump.

"Kill me now."

"I'll think about it. Though I hope you don't mind getting scalped." I said pointing at Lex's very bald head.

"Oh really funny. ... Okay, maybe that was a little funny, OH GOD WHAT AM I SAYING!"

"He's coming around." Said Other Cell.

"I HATE EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM!"

"But you're in this room Lex."

"I WILL FUCKING NUKE YOU."

"Probably wouldn't work."

"We'd just use it to feel Godzilla."

Lex sighed again as he started to massage a headache.

"Godzilla, God-Fucking-Zilla, only in a world where you exist could something so stupid like that happen."

"I think you mean awesome." Said Other Cell.

"THAT IS BESIDES THE POINT!"

Well at least we can agree on something it seems. I decided to move over to Lex's desk and sat my ass down while producing a can of Cheez Whiz from my coat that I started to spray vigorously into my mouth as I sat down. Other Cell took his position on the other side of the desk.

"Soh..." I said muffled before swallowing the mouthful of cheesy goodness. "...whatcha up to Lexy?"

Lex didn't even spare me a glance.

"Your mother."

"Ohhh, nice." Said Other Cell.

"Yeah, but no seriously what's up? What has the Light been up to?"

"Something nefarious I'm guessing. You got my Cheez Whiz, boy?!" Said Other Cell.

"Well yeah nefarious but really that goes without saying." I said as I tossed the can of Cheez Whiz to Other Cell.

"I remember a better time… when no one knew the Light existed. Those were wonderful times… and then you showed up."

"Yeah, I'm just that old spanner in the works for just about everyone aren't I."

"We did derail this bitch like it was our job." Said other Cell.

"Hell yeah we did!" I said Hi-fiving Other Cell.

All in all a VERY successful SI story if I do say so myself. We fucked canon up like a BOSS!

"God I hate you."

"Funny, God isn't too fond of you either. I mean L3? Really Lex, you know you should really be L1."

"I'm not so petty as to… no, I'm not entertaining you, I'm going to ignore you now."

"WHAT!? A Lex that isn't petty! Say it isn't so!"

I think one of my hearts is having an attack.

"He's lost it. We need to call the Men in the White Coats fast!" Said Other Cell, no doubt feeling the same way about this very unexpected turn of events.

Lex at this point was on his computer… playing Solitaire and ignoring us… well that won't do. Just who dpes he think he is ignoring the mission that He himself gave us... Well not him him, it was really Him him, but it's still him. So why would he not let us accomplish our mission he gave us.

...

...

Wait... What the fuck did I just think?

…

Nevermind, much more importantly he was ignoring us... So we sang Blues Brothers songs. All we had to do was wait for him to crack. 

* * *

"Lets see, what's on the old agenda for today? Escape Arkham."

The Joker looked to his surroundings… which mostly consisted of an abandoned amusement park. He checked off the box.

"Big check there, not that it was difficult mind you, but these things really ought to be official. Now let's see… own amusement park. Thank you old me for that one. And finally… build a giant mecha out of amusement park rides and use it to steal the First National Bank of Gotham… I'll get on that I suppose."

The Joker put away his handy dandy notebook, and began looking about the place. It was a genius plan. Why steal the money in a bank when you can just… steal the bank. It'll look so nice where the ferris wheel used to be.

"Hmmm… gonna need me some funny boys to help out here."

"_I have to say, I love where you're going with this._"

…

…

The Joker stopped walking as he observed his surroundings. Nothing seemed to have changed really, but there was certainly something off. He smiled.

"Is this the part where I say 'It was probably Just the Wind?' Cause I'd like to think I'm more original than that old line."

In response, the shadows around the Amusement Park began to shift. Flowing around until they became swirling images. Specifically Theatre masks. Some the masks of Comedy, others the Mask of Tragedy.

"_Oh, I would never expect someone like you to be so unoriginal. You see Joker, I've been pulled from my world, and I find myself lost, perhaps I am unable to return, or perhaps not. It matters very little. I am a creature of opportunity if nothing else, and something… interesting has come to my attention. Tell me Joker, would you like to play a joke unlike any before?_"

"Oh you tease, now you're speaking my language. Tell me all about it… oh, but I seem to be at a disadvantage, you know of me… who… or what exactly are you Mr. Voice in my head?"

"_Who indeed, well if you must know, I am an interested party. If you want more than that, well I'm afraid you're gonna have to agree to something._"

"You know I should probably say no, but you seem to be a real trustworthy spiritual abomination. What's in it for me exactly?"

"_This and that. Little more that then this to be honest with you, but expect much this to compensate_."

"Ohhhh, intentionally vague I see. I do like you. Very well, I'm all in. I am always up for a good laugh."

The shadows stopped their dance as they coalesced into a large black mass that lifted off of the ground and became a spiraling purple nebula that gave off sinister chuckles, guttural guffaws, mad giggling, and laughs of every flavor. A massive shape formed from the Giggling Abyss, a monstrous Jester of a creature with fae features trapped into a Grin that made the Jokers own seem unnoticeable in comparison.

The Jokers own smile widened as the massive creature gave an exaggerated bow. Bells ringing with every movement.

"_I am known as Cegorach, the Laughing God, and we are going to have such a wonderful time._"


	41. I accidented the World Superhuman

**I accidented the World Superhuman**

So after singing Blues Brother songs for about… 5 hours or so, we made Lex just stand up and walk out of the room… We were so shocked about him just doing… that of all things. I mean it obviously wouldn't work since we could just… ya know follow him, but watching Lex turn off his computer, scoot out his seat, stand up, and just walk out of the place was so goddamn funny that we collectively decided to reward him by just leaving. So seeing as our entertainment for the day was gone, I decided that maybe I should show up at the next session with I-Ching. I could change colors, but only so much. I couldn't do much more than that, though I expect we'd get on that at some point.

So with the ease of teleportation, I made my way back to the mountain. Right in front of I-Ching... He didn't seem to notice me... Huh thats rude.

"Sup boss, whatcha got for me today?"

I-Ching didn't even turn in my direction. Only took a deep breath. Apparently I had interrupted his meditation.

"Your energy manipulation abilities could use work. Am I to understand you produce powers at high cost to the environment around you?"

"Well for me a planet's gonna be collateral damage if I miss whatever I'm supposed to hit… We gonna work on that?"

"Seeing as I very much like the planet I'm staying on, we will shelve shapeshifting for now. This isn't exactly standard, Shapeshifting is one of the basics that more potent abilities come from, it allows one to mold their body, giving them the basic understanding needed to mold Chi. From what I can understand, you can mold your energy to produce powerful abilities, however you can't seem to break the very specific way you use these abilities to make them significantly stronger or weaker. That is what we are to find out."

"...So we're gonna have me throw out planet busting abilities?"

"In a sense, we need to find out if your abilities has one fixed purpose, or if they can be changed. Can they be turned up or down in potency, or are they fixed to how much damage they can do. That is the question we must answer before moving forward."

"Sounds legit… When do we start?"

"Well, certainly not here and now. I need to find a place we can safely shoot possible planet cracking techniques without something somewhere eventually getting hit. It's bad enough you sent that attack you used to destroy that Yellow Lantern planet into space… According to what I've learned… It's still traveling the cosmos, and won't stop until it hits something."

…

…

"Oh...Well… That's…"

Do not saw Awesome, do not saw Awesome, do not say Awesome…

"Awesome."

DAMMIT MOUTH! YOU HAD ONE JOB!

"Unless where it hits is habited."

"Well let's hope not."

"Indeed. Now go, I need to find a location we can test your abilities… probably in another realm. In the meantime, I recommend practicing shapeshifting… you're lousy at it."

"There are no bad students, only bad *_THWACK_!* OW!"

"I hate that fortune cookie shit. I've trained a LOT of people, trust me, there are plenty of Bad students, and you're one of the worst. You can usually tell by how many times they skip training."

"I can't help it if I'm rich, busy, and bored. I have the attention span of a moth and you're a blind guy who keeps hitting me with a…. Heh, pretty light."

I-Ching took the electric lantern he just lit, before setting it on the floor and walking out of the room.I meanwhile WAS FUCKING MESMERIZED!

…

…

*_SMASH!_*

…

"Awww, I broke it."

Having an exoskeleton stronger than glass kinda sucked sometimes. I just wanted to repeatedly smash my face into pretty lights, was that really so wrong? Why do they keep breaking?

…

…

Where did I-Ching go?

…

Eh, probably doesn't matter, so I teleported outta there into the living area of the mountain… Where I immediately bumped into Artemis… she fell down as a result. Which was kinda bad because her arm was still in a sling from that whole Godzilla incident… good times…. Well not for her, but for all of us… for me, mostly for me.

"Ok, first of all OW! Second, why can't you use a door like everyone else!" she said nursing her arm.

I telekinetically helped her up.

"Sorry about that, and what can I say. Teleportation is such a wonderful power that it lets my bypass whatever stupid shit that would happen from point A to B. How's the arm?"

"Sore, but it's not too bad. The Doctors said it was lucky all I got was a fracture. They said it's not the first they sen… actually, one of them looked confused."

"Really? Why?"

"I don't know, I asked, but he only said it was nothing, just something about seeing another fracture."

"Another fracture… why would that come up?"

Wouldn't a hospital be used to seeing fractures?

"Don't ask me. I don't know."

That… sounded interesting… actually, now that I think of it… When Artemis broke her arm, I could have sworn it was a clean break, before she managed to move her fingers… Maybe that's what the doc was talking about… Oh… Wait a minute… my brain is doing a thing!

"Who's your doctor?"

"Don't know, I just went too Gotham General, Why?"

…

Artemis sighed.

"God damn teleportation." 

* * *

So I popped into Gotham General, and walked up to the desk…. I threw a stack of cash at the receptionist and made it rain.

"I NEED TO TALK TO A DOCTOR!"

Said receptionist noted the myriad of 100$ Bills that just smacked her in the face and after the initial shock of someone literally throwing money at her. Immediately obliged. Took about 30 seconds to have a doctor before me… God I love money, it just solves so many problems. The guy was young for a doctor… but he had a coat and stethoscope and that was good enough for me. Either he was a Doctor or played one on TV, and seeing as he wasn't TV levels of handsome… he had to be a Doctor.

That's how that works right?

"Is there something I can help you with… uhhh."

"Sir is fine."

"I didn't want to assume."

I shrugged.

"Fair enough, I don't have junk anyway…"

"I didn't need to know that." interrupted the doctor.

I glared at him, but continued.

"Ignoring that, so look. I have a question to ask you, when is the last time you saw a broken bone?"

"Excuse me?"

"A broken bone, as in a clean break. Like the two bones are in pieces that they shouldn't be in, you know for a doctor I would expect you to know what a broken b…."

"I know what it is." He interrupted again.

…

…

"That's two. Interrupt me again while I'm talking and you're gonna regret it."

The doctor was about to say something, before he paused. He stayed like that for a moment before he cleared his throat and decided to instead just answer my previous question.

"I think I see what you're getting at… Listen, A lot of Doctors have been talking about it lately, but we keep seeing… little miracles."

"How so?"

"Well… We had a car collision case the other day… No one died, but it was… bad… really bad. The EMT claimed that we'd have to deal with crushed bones, but by the time they got here… The bones were mostly healed… like, days healed in the time it took to get them here… It's not all we've seen. For some reason, physical trauma hasn't been as bad as it really should be."

"Why isn't this big news? I would think that…."

"With the curing of cancer, Old Folks running marathons, The Joker becoming borderline harmless in comparison to his old self, and Godzilla of all things turning out to be real… it's just not focused on… but it keeps happening. Every single time." He interrupted me FOR THE THIRD TIME.

…

...

"How long has it been going on?" I asked calmly.

The Doctor put a finger to his chin as he thought on it… before he looked up… eyes wide.

"Oh… I see." he said…. Vaguely which was really annoying, so I sighed.

"Since the Yellow Lantern Invasion huh?" I asked bored.

The Doctor only nodded.

"Good.. Oh and this is for interrupting me."

"What are you…"

"FASHION CANNON!" I screamed to the guy now wearing a Little Bo Peep costume complete with wig, frills, and leggings. 

* * *

" _Experts in genetic fields have revealed that a new sequence in humans were discovered that may be linked with the aeresolized cure to the fear effects of the Scarecrows worldwide Fear Toxin. Evolution has taken a massive leap as more and more stories coming in of normal people surviving the Impossible, or feats of strength and speed far beyond the norm. Are we looking at a mass Metahuman awakening in the entire human race? Find out more at 11."_

*_Click_*

You know it's kinda funny that the news always seems to be playing whatever is relevant to my current situation... I should watch it more often.

Dr. Harding then turned to me, eyes raised.

"This is why we do not use untested medicine on the public, especially not on this scale."

"So I made everyone on the planet Captain America levels of awesome, that's not so bad."

"One, I don't know who that is, and Two… something like this has never happened before, who knows what repercussions can result!"

"A planet of humans who are all at peak human strength. I mean you have to admit, slightly fast healing aside, not to many of the powers displayed are beyond the realm of possibility, for the most part… It's just Olympic Athlete level. Hardly superhuman."

"And what of down the line, what else will happen? Long term, more changes could happen. Changes much less benign."

"So you're saying you don't enjoy your Charles Atlas levels of awesome?"

Sammy leaned back in his chair as he thought on that.

"Ok, I'll admit being able to move that sofa in by myself was nice and everything, but what if there are more changes? The Human Genome has changed in one generation, a whole new sequence… based on your own DNA by the way, and it has just been spliced into EVERYONE!"

"Look, if people start growing monkey tails, turn chalk white, or wake up with anteni, then we can panic. Until then stop focusing on the worst case scenario, and just look into it. We'll roll with the punches as they come."

"You don't seem to understand the legal issues we can get into now. Everyone knows we produced the pills."

"And we cured cancer… Hard. Hell, I double cured it after killing the literal God of Cancer with help from Superman and a giant radioactive Dinosaur… we'll be fine. No lawyer on the planet would want to go against the guys who ended cancer."

"If this gets worse… we'll be lucky if we can stay out of jail."

"Jail? Oh right I forgot jail was a thing."

…

"This isn't funny Cell."

"Look, all I'm saying is don't worry about it, just look into everything you can. And if you see even one small negative effect, we'll put our all into making it right. Trust me, things always work out in the end."

"Sorry, I just don't have your confidence."

"Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. If it gets too bad, we'll grab that Abra Kadabra guy and steal his time machine or whatever to give you all the time you need in the Jurassic age to make a cure… Paradoxes probably won't be too bad that far back and you'll have over a hundred million years to make a cure. Sound good?."

…

"You know… I never thought of using time travel like that."

"If we do it right we can call it the Hyperbolic Time Chamber." 

* * *

Harley Quinn, the Lover of the Joker… sat enthralled as she stared blankly at the TV Static. Currently Signal Lost and Snow were in a massive Confrontation over whether or not Static was secretly an evil twin or not. It really was the best episode so far. Before she could figure out what happened to White Noise however, the walls exploded… Harley just kept watching, ignoring the current explosion… at least before a familiar voice spoke.

"Yoo hoo, Harl? You there?"

That was when the Joker… literally leapt in. It took approximately 0.027 seconds for Harley to have the Clown Prince of Crime in her arms.

"Puddin' You're finally FINALLY here! I knew you'd come back for me… eventually… Hey what's up with...Oh my!"

Harley looked to the Joker, and he looked… Different. Very different. His face looked slightly older, but only slightly. In addition he had changed his outfit somewhat. Now resembling purple leather that seemed to be… not quite leather, but a metal that behaved like a fabric. And was he taller or was it just her.

"Oh, I found a friend of sorts. Lets just say… Well, we won't be alone much longer."

"What do you…"

"Can we hurry it up in there?"

Harley turned… to see another Joker.

…

…

Her brain fried in its skull… Not literally mind you, but it did immediately shoot straight into the gutter.

"Ah, Harley, allow me to introduce you to the Scar Joker. Hello Scar Joker."

This new Scar Joker was… even more different. He looked like he was wearing face paint instead of having bleached skin. In addition, his smile wasn't a permanent rictus grin, but instead was glasgow smile carved into his face instead. His suit also seemed to be made out of the same metal fabric.

"Hello Harl, the pleasure is all mine."

"And Mine! I'm Jack Napier." said a third Joker who looked… suspiciously like Jack Nicholson.

"And mine! Call me Wild Joker." said another Joker… with Red eyes, wild hair, and an almost monkey like posture. A purple-sleeved straitjacket hanging loosely from his swaying frame.

Harley… blankly watched as each of the Jokers walked into the room, no two ones looking exactly the same, there was always one or two differences between them. before walking INTO the original, seemingly become apart of him. It continued until only one remained. Who shifted through each iteration of his character before settling on the Joker she knew and loved.

Then he outstretched his hand. New Jokers seemingly stepping from behind him, each with the same outstretched hand. Each one looking just off from the original, but still immediately recognizable as the Joker.

"I'm my own ensemble crew… But they'll always be room in the troupe for you!.." said the original.

"What's going on!?"

"Oh Harley, you're so behind…"

"...For a while we were confined..."

"...By an insect so unkind…"

"...Who trapped me away within my mind..."

"...But now we have been combined..."

"...With other me's now intertwined..."

"...By a creature so inclined..."

"...To help mankind unwind..."

"...So we find ourselves now defined..."

"... With a purpose of brilliant design…"

"...one we could not decline…"

"... So will you come to see the world shine?"

Harley Quinn… blinked.

"...What!? What moon speak is that?"

"Nevermind!" Said all the Jokers simultaneously as they devolved into laughing fits.

"All you need to know is that..."

"The Dark Knights Dark Reprise is back." Said the Wild Joker.

"Big things are coming…" said Jack Napier.

"A performance of sorts…" Spoke Scar Joker.

"The world is our stage…" said the Original Joker.

"...and with time a show of grand design will begin! HA HA HA HAAAaaaaa!"

"EH HEH HEH HWUAH HA HA HA HA HAAAH!"

"AH HA HA HA HA HAAAA!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha HAAHAAHAAHAA!"

"He heh ha heh ha he haaAAA HA HA HA!"

"MUAH HA HA HA HAHAHA!"

"MmmwwaHaHaHaHaHAHAHA!"

"Heh Heh Ha Ha HA HA HA HA HA!"

Harley, like she did all those years ago… snapped once again, and lost herself to the laughter.


	42. Meet the McSplice's

**Meet the McSplice's**

_"Father Box X-616 online. Cower brief mortals, I am Father Box X-616. Warning, Father Box X-616 is operating at minimum capacity. Greater functions deactivated."_

"You don't say." I said as I tossed Father Box X-616 at the wall.

Good times these were, reminded me of simpler days.

_"Father Box X-616 requests immediate deactivation."_

"Nope."

"Are you still messing with that thing?" Asked Lapis as he walked into the room.

_"User Lapis McSplice, Fatherbox X-616 requests immediate deactivation."_

"Yeah, I'm trying to think of how to get it on our side. Also petty entertainment."

_"Fatherbox X-616 is one of the most sophisticated computers in the known galaxy. Fatherbox X-616 does not deserve this."_

"Makes sense. Petty entertainment is fun."

_"Fatherbox X-616 greatly dislikes being ignored."_

"You hear something?"

"Nope." Said Lapis.

I tossed him at the wall again… at least until Lazuli caught it.

_"Fatherbox X-616 requests user Lazuli McSplice for immediate deactivation."_

"You didn't learn anything last time did you?" Asked Lazuli as she tossed the Fatherbox back to me.

"I seldom learn anything really."

_"Why are users ignoring Fatherbox X-616?"_

"I'm thinking Master of Puppets by Metallica played on **The Motherfucking Boom-Cleaver, Butcher of The Unscented Citrus** might shackle it to my will… but I'm still not 100% sure how **The Motherfucking Boom-Cleaver, Butcher of The Unscented Citrus** works."

"I thought it pulled bullshit from the bullshit dimension to be honest with you." Said Lazuli.

_"Fatherbox X-616 is still here."_

"My theory is it METAL's stuff into existence with METAL MAGIC." Said Lapis.

_"Fatherbox X-616 is the most powerful computer on this planet. Why are you ignoring Fatherbox X-616?"_

"Really? I always thought it just kinda weaves the fabric of reality with string theory stuff using frequencies or something."

"That is vague and you know it." Said Lazuli.

"Yeah but the powers of **The Motherfucking Boom-Cleaver, Butcher of The Unscented Citrus** are so nebulously defined that it probably can do anything… it's just that I don't know if the song choice matters, and with a Fatherbox I don't want to chance it."

_"Fatherbox X-616 agrees that Fatherbox X-616 warrants trepidation."_

"Yeah, but you kicked its ass last time." Said Lapis.

_"Fatherbox X-616 does not have an ass nor does Fatherbox X-616 recall that happening."_

"Eh, yeah but it was more trouble than it was worth, and I want it to be more useful to me than just a paperweight."

_"Fatherbox X-616 was not designed to weight papers."_

"Why not let Gizmo take a look at it?" Asked Lazuli.

…

…

_"Fatherbox X-616 does not like that name."  
_  
Lapis then decided to Look over to me.

"Say when am I getting my Lamborghini?"

"TO GIZMO!"

* * *

"And do you Betel…"

"Ah ah ah...Nobody says the B-word until after we consummate this marriage."

Queen Mary of the Vampire... sighed and immediately rolled her eyes.

"That is NOT happening. We're married on paper only, not in ANY other way."

"Well… leave a guy hanging why don't ya."

"Let's just get this over with."

"Fine do you…. You, take Queen Mary of the Vampires to be…"

"Big yes there bub." said Betelgeuse a little too happily.

"And do you Queen Mary of the…"

"Unfortunately yes." Mary interrupted.

"Then I now pronounce you Husband and Wife… you may now…"

"Do absolutely nothing else. The End... Now..." Interupted Mary turning to the Poltergeist. "...where is my demon army."

Betelgeuse rolled his eyes as he cleared his throat.

"Hold on there skippy, I need to check if this worked first. Just… give me a second."

He took a deep breath and…

"Betelgeuse..."

Never before had Mary seen someone so... happy in that exact moment as Betelgeuse, who screamed in joy unlike any she had ever seen. Then again, she mostly hung out with vampires, and they were never the most cheerful of people to be around. Betelgeuse threw a fist in the air... litterally, but it came back.

"IT WORKED! Oh god you don't know how much it sucks not being able to say your own damn name."

"Riveting, Demon Army… now!" Said Mary.

Betelgeuse smiled… right before snapping his fingers.

Suddenly, the previously empty room filled with ghostly remnants of damned sould and towering demons… then as the screams from below came through… it became VERY clear that the Demons and Spirits were not limited to just this room. Mary bolted out the door, smiling as she saw demon after bloodthirsty demon pop into existence. The Ghost with the Most following after her. Every room of her mansion was filled with hellish abominations and ethereal decaying corpses. All standing to attention like soldiers waiting for orders.

"This is incredible. With an army like this… who could stop us!"

That was when Betelgeuse decided to pop up next to her.

"Probably the Justice League."

Mary rolled her eyes.

"Oh please, with whole armies of Vampires, Demons, and Spirits we'll crush any resistance that comes our way."

Betelgeuse… simply shook his head.

"Yeah, tell that to the aliens they took care of last week babes, or you know…. Every other supervillain in the history of forever. In fact… HEY RED GUY!"

Mary watched as a figure stepped from the shadows… looking absolutely annoyed.

"Please do not call me that Betelgeuse."said the new figure.

Mary could only stare at who it was before her with wide eyes. Of all the people she expected to see today... even accounting for the dead, this was not one of them.

"Wait…. Are you!..."

"Yes, pleasure to meet you Queen of the Vampires." He said giving a bow.

"I am Thaal Sinestro, previously of the Sinestro Corps. Until that right was stolen from me."

"I heard you died…"

Betelgeuse barked out a laugh.

"Yeah! Go figure, hell is full of dead guys..." Said Betelgeuse with a shrug."... I found him roaming around looking for something. He's the brains behind the whole tactics and strategy bullshit. Speaking of which… you got it?"

The Sinestro Specter smiled as he raised his hand. Revealing a yellow ring.

"The fool left it in New Orleans, he dropped it to replace with my own ring. It was once a Green Lantern ring, so none of my alterations are present, but I should be able to work with it _well enough_."

"I always keep my word." Said Betelgeuse.

"Indeed, and in return I shall keep mine." Said Sinestro.

Mary looked from one ghost to the next. She felt like they were stalling, whether deliberately or not, there was information she sorely wanted to know about, and they weren't answering. It seems as if it fell upon her to put the conversation back on track.

"As entertaining as this all is, I believe we were talking of something else. Like you believing the Justice League could stop us."

Betelgeuse looked to Sinestro.

"You wanna tell her or should I?"

"By all means." Said Sinestro.

Betelgeuse nodded.

"See, this world works… funny. Remember that Imp I said summoned me here?"

"Vaguely… you say a lot of foolish banter."

"Well… turns out this whole universe runs on something called Tropes. I could go into details, but the real problem is basically… evil loses and good prevails… it has to be like that."

"Reality isn't a story." Said Mary with an air of finality.

"Tell that to the Joker." Betelgeuse responded.

…

…

"What?"

"Betelgeuse raises a good point. Ghosts roam the world above, and they relay information back down to Hell. I can confirm that the universe behaves… oddly like a story. And there are rules in place, one of those rules being broken… directly resulted in the Joker becoming what he is now."

"Yeah, turns out Gotham Forest is one of the most haunted places on earth. Lotta dead bodies let me tell you. Who'd of thought a nice place like Gotham would be filled with the dead. Anyway they saw what happened to good ol' Jokey… and, I can show you." Said Betelgeuse as he put his hand forward.

…

Mary reached out and touched it, and her mind was flooded with visions.

* * *

…

…

So… I was staring at Gizmo in the eyes… trying to see if I could burrow into his brain and figure out what his intentions were with my sister. He stared back at me… slightly shaking.

"I'm watching you."

Gizmo nodded vigorously.

"Leave him alone Cell." Said Lazuli.

…

…

I quietly moved away, not breaking eye contact as Lazuli took a seat next to him. I… still not breaking eye contact by the way, reached into my coat and put the Fatherbox down...ARE THEY HOLDING HANDS!?

Gizmo looked at the Fatherbox as he lowered his goggles. His tongue sticking out the side of his mouth as he took it in the hand that now wasn't holding on to Lazuli to examine it.

"Wow… I've never seen anything like this. The redundant systems alone are orders of magnitude beyond anything I've messed with… actually, are you sure this thing is even a computer? I mean… it's got Computer parts… but some of it looks… off."

"Off how?"

"I… can't really describe it."

_"Fatherbox X-616 requests immediate deactivation."_

…

"Did it just TALK! but… you don't have speakers."

_"Speakers are irrelevant for Fatherbox X-616."_

…

…

"Can I keep it?"

"_Fatherbox X-616 wishes User Gizmo to have Fatherbox X-616._"

"No."

"Awww."

"_Fatherbox X-616 simulating sadness._"

Lazuli put a hand on his shoulder… he smiled at her… the prick. Anyway Gizmo put the Fatherbox on the table and turned back to me.

"I'm gonna need time to figure out… what this thing is."

_"Fatherbox X-616 is a Fatherbox of the planet Apokalips."_

"Yeah, that's Greek to me." Said Gizmo.

"I'm just looking for someone to program it to listen to me."

"I'm gonna be honest with you Cell, I don't even know what programming language to use. Normally I stick with Python, but… I don't think that'll work here."

_"Fatherbox X-616 does not speak in snakes."_

"I'll let you hold onto it… just… be careful." Or don't, that works to.

Gizmo only nodded as he turned to Lazuli.

"You know, you did say your family was out there… I didn't expect this."

"Try living with them."

…

…

"Where is Lapis?"

_*BOOM!*_

…

…

"Found him!"

* * *

**Meanwhile in Deep Space**

"And this is _Mine_, and that is _Mine_, and this is _Mine_. And that is especially _mine. Mine. Mine. MINE MINE MINE_!"

"Wow, you are two cans short of a six pack."

Larfleeze turned to the intruder snarling… right before a blur of shot out of the darkness and knocked him back. Agent Orange immediately stood on the offensive. _Summoning_ his constructs all around him. All of them souls stolen across his many millions upon millions of years as the sole holder of Avarice.

"Where you at!"

"A silly crown tumbles down Agent Orange"

Larfleeze screamed as the blur returned, a dancing figure too fast to see. Cuts appeared along his arms as the stolen souls of those he made his lashed out at something they could not see.

"In smoke and hidden, purple void am I."

More blurs that moved too fast to see and too fast to catch moved and danced around the orange constructs with east, dodging each and every attack with blinding speed, unnatural flexibility, and impossible reflexes. They moved like the wind, with acrobatic grace and the tread of the shadows themselves. Then he focused, and he could see one of them, a red and black figure sweeping one foot and then the other behind themselves as they chained dancing with fighting. Larfleeze conjured and threw a flechette orange spears at the dancing courtesan… who caught each one thrown at her with breathtaking grace, and for the mere moment before the spear should have disappeared, would impale the nearest Creature Construct, dispelling them along with the spear. That combined with her stiletto heels pointy enough to work as blades made hitting her… annoyingly difficult to say the least.

_"DIE FANCY DANCER!"_

Before Larfleeze could retaliate however, dozens of purple creatures fell from above, landing all around the fields of stolen souls made Orange Constructs. They likewise danced in displays that were as awe inspiring as they were creepy-looking. They bent unnaturally around swiping claws and swinging tentacles , spinning on their heels to launch themselves into the air and come down while throwing razor sharp playing cards of all things. Others would flawlessly transition from a Booker T Spinaroonie into a swirling kick to propel an orange saurian construct and then gracefully chains into a leg sweep to bring one of one of the more lanky constructs to the ground to be pelted with bladed cards. Then, as Larfleeze focused on the myriad of dancers, he ignored the blur coming behind him.

He immediately took a sharp breath… as his fingers fell to the floor. He fell to his knees as the dancers leapt into the shadows.

"AGH!" He screamed as he clenched his bloody hand to his chest. He looked to see blood dripping onto the floor.

"Wha.. What!?"

The orange constructs all around began to _fade_ as Larfleeze felt… clarity for the first time in eons.

"Companion of mine, thy mercy now."

Larfleeze watched as a red and white figure, one obviously female, danced from the shadows to come to a bow and stand before him. The masked figure reached down daintily to the fallen fingers, and lifted… IT!

Larfleeze panicked.

"GET IT AWAY FROM ME!"

The masked figure took a step back, holding the ring tight even as it tried to fly back to Larfleeze… but it didn't move from her hand, no matter how hard it tried.

"With endless peace, be happy unknown to sorrow."

"What…"

Then another figure… two… three… dozens… hundreds stepped from the shadows. The figures all dressed in purple, all laughing, and dancing with each and every step they took, with the sinewy grace of dancers who trained their whole lives for the sale of a single beautiful performance. Then, one of the purple figures knelt besides Larfleeze, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. The hundreds of others seemed to… for lack of a better term, melt into each other until there was only the one next to Larfleeze.

"Where is thy Lantern Agent Orange?"

Larfleeze hesitantly pointed to the side… before realizing he had no fingers.

_"Or do you?"_

…

"What!?"

Larfleeze flexed his... fingers, returned once more. The pain was gone, and not even the smallest hint of a scar remained. His breath hitched in his throat as he could only stare in amazement at his hand, the strange event that had befallen him playing once more in his mind.

_"Perhaps you may not want the ring,_

_but we know of one of fears doctrine._

_He'll have the power over avarice,_

_to hand it to him whose life is glamorous."_

…

"Wat!? Make sense spooky voice from nowhere!"

_"Change is coming soon my friend,_

_One I have been enlightened in._

_I am in need of an artisan,_

_so will you be my harlequin?"_

Larfleeze looked around him. Trying to find out where the voice was coming from… but he saw nothing.

_"Answer now and answer true, for I have many things to do."_

"...Larfleeze is confused."

Then one of the figures sighed and smacked his palm against his face.

"Oh sonova… DO YOU WANT TO BE A NINJA CLOWN OR NOT!"

…

"Oh… okay then I guess."

"Finally! Geez, some people."

"He did have that Orange-y ring Messin' with his head puddin'. He probably fried a few brain cells."

"That's no excuse for tastelessness."

"Larfleeze is confused again."

_"I think he'll fit right in."_


	43. Words, Words, Words

**Words, Words, Words**

_"Was thou eternal nature great as steel?"_

"Talk right spooky clown thing!" Screamed Larfleeze.

"Ugh, why is he on this team again?" asked the Joker.

"Because he's funny." said Harley Quinn.

"What he talk about though?" asked Larfleeze.

"He's asking if you're immortal, apparently someone said you're like… three billion years old or something. Break down the words Larfleeze and remember not all of it is literal, it's only classic shakespearean theater, shouldn't be that hard to understand,." said the Joker.

"Oh...Larfleeze live long, yes. Larfleeze might not die, but Larfleeze never tried to die so don't know. Larfleeze don't wanna find out. Why scary elf clown not just ask?"

The Joker shrugged.

"Apparently everything has to rhyme or be in iambic pentameter."

_"Believe in that Lord of Deaths Laugh and Smile. However not always no, but it is fun to behave as if it were."_

"I am brick fento-what?"

...

_"Perhaps puns are more your style Larfleeze."_

"Larfleeze can punch, but Larfleeze wanna dance kill!"

_"If you wish to dance, you can duet."_

"Heh! I do love a good pun." said the Joker.

_"Indeed, and every comedy act needs a straight man…"_

…

The Joker… immediately blinked.

"Hold the phone.. Am I the sane one now?"

"I dunno Mistah J… probably. You do act all rational like when Orange-y talks sometimes."

"I hate this. I hate it. I hate everything about it."

Cegorach laughed. Until… the sky turned yellow.

As the influence of Cegorach faded, the Joker sighed, and waited. Harley smiled and tossed the ring up and down in her hand… right as the creatures_landed_. It was truly a hideous beast that probably didn't really need the Yellow Ring to _strike fear_. It looked like it was made up of individual spiders that together vaguely assumed a humanoid shape. Then a large serpent like creature with hundreds of millipede like legs flew from the sky and began to skitter around to look at the strange trio of clowns. It's long antenna tasting the air as it quirked it's head to look up, where another figure was making its way down. The Harlequin trio watched as a familiar cloth covered face _floated_ down with his arms clasped behind his back. The Scarecrow was observing the area around them, no doubt wondering where the resistance was, seeing as they made it to the planet without a single Avarice Construct tried to stop them from landing. As the Scarecrow's feet came down to stand before the Joker and his entourage, the Joker smiled.

"Hello Crane, fancy seeing you here."

The Scarecrow… momentarily looked taken aback by this sudden turn of events. The Joker wished he didn't wear that mask… just so he could see the look on Crane's face at the Joker and Harley Quinn standing next to a completely calm Larfleeze... well relatively calm.

"Joker? But how?"

"Oh, I go by the Joker, the Lord of Deaths Laugh and Smile now." Said the Joker laughing.

"And I'm Harley Quinn, the Harlequin Artisan, and I ain't no charlatan, just a partisan of the Harlequins!"

"Ohhh, nice rhymes there Harl, I might have to write that one down… Oh, and he's Larfleeze, the Knife to Bore the Dark."

"Larfleeze did not agree to that name. Larfleeze will be Larfleeze of Stabby Spinny Death."

"Well you heard the psycho Boar Gazelle alien, Larfleeze of Stabby Spinny Death it is… Anywho as for how we got here Crane my boy. I have my ways… Now, I understand you are looking for some rings and lanterns. Well it just so happens Larfleeze here oh so graciously wants to get rid of his and we certainly don't need it. Mind taking it off our hands?"

…

…

"You have the Orange Light of _Avarice_... And you're just going to hand it over? Something's up Joker… what is your game?"

Suddenly fields of yellow insects and monsters were _conjured_ into existence around them, waiting to strike. The Joker only laughed at the absurdity of it all. That was after all big talk coming from a guy within dancing distance.

"Well, if you must know, since you've been gone a lot of things has happened. I was turned into a carbon copy of the Trickster, Godzilla invaded, and everyone on earth is on the same level of strength as Batman with mild enhanced regeneration. So with the times changing, so have I. I'm going around the cosmos looking for people with a couple of screws loose for my own little Motley Crew. Larfleeze here could use some work, but he's the perfect Fool for my gig. That said… that ring of his really gets in the way of his oh so darling and Neutron Star dense personality, so if you wouldn't mind taking it off my hands, then we'll just be on our merry way to the next funny guy our little Troupe happens across."

…

…

"I have no idea what you're talking about… so you seem normal, for you at least… though that is an… interesting change in wardrobe, what even is that material? It looks… like Metal but behaves like a cloth."

"It's called wraithbone, useful stuff let me tell you."

"I see, regardless Joker… I'll gladly take the ring, and the Lantern… of course."

"Of course Crane, wouldn't dream on two timing you. I wouldn't want to be… wraithboned"

_"Ha!"_

…

"What was that?" Asked the Scarecrow.

"What was what? I didn't hear a laugh from beyond the veil. You're starting to lose it Crane… might want to take a break, get your mind off things that aren't actually there."

…

"Never change Joker… never change."

"Only for the Better Crane. Only for the Better."

The Joker smiled as he nodded to Harley.

"Be a dear won't you, and give the good Doctor his ring."

Harley tossed the orange ring to Scarecrow, who caught it in a_beam of Yellow light_. The Joker pointed to the distance, where a _dim Orange light_could be seen_illuminating_ the caverns.

"Lanterns over there Crane. I suppose this is so long, consider this a professional courtesy."

Scarecrow watched as the trio left. Immediately he set about to ensure the Ring and Lanterns were legitimate… and with the application of _fear_... found that they were. He double _checked_, then triple _checked_… and everything he could see showed that this was indeed the real Orange Lantern.

"Hmmm…. Curiouser and Curiouser."

"Should we follow after them?" asked one of his minions.

"No, leave them be. We'll respond with a professional courtesy of our own." said Crane as he looked to the Orange Lantern as it was packed away. He smiled behind his mask.

"_Fear, Compassion__,_ and _Avarice__._ Only four to go." 

* * *

"KAMEHAMEHA!"

The Devastating wave of Turtles tore through the endless abyss. I-Ching nodded.

"Again, only this time stress the syllables." Said I-Ching.

We were currently within… another dimension or something. I have no idea where I-Ching found this place, but there wasn't really anything to hit in this white void… actually it looked like the Hyperbolic Time Chamber… kinda.

Either way I did as asked.

"Ka!"

Charging up.

"Me!"

Energy orb appears in my palms.

"Ha!"

The orb starts to grow larger.

"Me!"

Larger still. I prepare to lash out and.

"HAAAAAAAAA!"

The turtle ki cannon wave thingy illuminated the white void even more than it already was… somehow.

"Interesting." Said I-Ching.

"How can you tell? You're blind."

"I can sense Chi. The second one was undoubtedly stronger. When you stretch the syllables, it funnels your Chi toward your palms in greater amount. Can you implement the technique without saying the name?"

"Maybe… but it's cooler to say it."

"And suicidal."

"I'm immortal. Self preservation was left behind to make more room for other brain-y stuff… like my distraction of pretty lights."

"My point still stands, we'll work on you being able to utilize abilities without screaming them at the top of your lungs."

"But I like screaming them at the top of my lungs."

"Then do so, it is still useful to have the option."

"Fiiiiine!"

So I slammed the wrists of my hands together as I… just kinda thought the word Kamehameha… nothing happened… so I tried again… and nothing… so I tried again, I reached deep inside of myself, seeing is I could find my Ki… and I felt… What I guess was Ki, and I could manipulate it. You know, I've never actually tried doing this, it didn't really feel like when I would shoot Ki blasts… actually it felt more like when I changed colors… so I just tried to mimic that… and I turned blue.

…

"I'M FILLED WITH HOPE!"

"You changed colors didn't you?"

"DAMMIT I-CHING, YOU'RE BLIND. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT!"

"There is less… let's call it white noise. Yes there is less white noise in this dimension, I can better feel what you are doing than I can in our home dimension."

I grumbled as I fell cross legged on the ground.

"You're a unique case Cell, but you're no different from any other student I have had. You're set in your ways. We must break that before continuing. Though you are on the right track."

"Whatever."

"What about that new technique of yours… I believe you call it the Chi Clap."

"Ki Clap actually."

I-Ching waved me off.

"Same thing. Demonstrate it for me."

With a shrug I stood up and took a deep breath as I swung my arms to the side, channeling Ki into my palms as I brought them together. I was about to scream the words "Ki Clap" when I-Ching appeared behind me and covered my mouth. I couldn't stop in time and I clapped.

The resulting Sonic Boom probably didn't help the deaf guy, bit I was much more concerned about the GIANT DIRECTED WAVE OF KI TEARING THE GROUND APART… I mean sure the ground managed to repair itself… but still.

I turned around immediately to I-Ching… who was smiling.

"See, no words needed."

…

…

"I licked your hand by the way."

…

I-Ching wiped his palm on his pants. 

* * *

The Tower of Dr. Fate remained, and Betelgeuse stood before it. To the eyes of most, it would be invisible, to Ghosts it was there, plain as day. Betelgeuse walked to the wall… and knocked.

…

Then he knocked again.

"Anybody home! A celebrity is here… wanna open up!?"

…

"Yep, stronger than I thought." Said Betelgeuse.

The Ghost of Sinestro flowed from the earth like smoke to stand next to the Poltergeist.

"The previous owner isn't around according to what I could find out. Other spirits however believe that the key to get inside lays in the hands of the earth Hero, Red Tornado."

"Can't imagine it'll be easy to get our hands on it… but, there is always a loophole… if you know what you're doing." Said Betelgeuse as he tapped the wall, to see a keyhole appear.

"Wanna see something I learned in the 1800s?"

"If you insist." Said Sinestro.

Betelgeuse smiled, and placed one finger on the lock. Then, he pulled down, and the keyhole stretched like it was made of rubber. Once it was several feet long, he grabbed both sides of the lock, and pulled them apart. The end result was a keyhole shaped hole in the wall, large enough to walk through. Sinestro watched with wide eyes, before turning to Betelgeuse.

"... How does that work?"

"A lock only makes sure doors can't open, and hey, the door is still locked. Technicalities are the key where magic is involved. Trust me, when you've been a ghost as long as I have, and with the afterlife being the bureaucratic nightmare it is, you learn to… stretch the rules."

…

…

"That pun physically hurt me."

"Spoilsport." Said Betelgeuse as he walked inside.

Sinestro following after him. As soon as they stepped through, the keyhole snapped back to its original size like a rubber band. Then they looked around at the M. nightmare around them. Betelgeuse took a step forward and took in a deep breath of air.

"Ahhhh! Reminds me of the grave."

"Must have been an interesting place." Said Sinestro with a hint of sarcasm.

"Hey, you only really have Hell to compare to, but trust me, the Netherworld is a fun place… well, the outskirts are, most of it is just offices and dead suicidal case workers. The rest of it is like a funhouse on acid… I miss the 60s."

Sinestro ignored the Poltergeist as he examined looping stairwells and twisted dimensions.

"So… do you think it's here?" He asked glancing to Betelgeuse.

"Only one way to find out." Said Betelgeuse snapping his fingers.

The already weak walls of reality within the Tower of fate cracked as ghosts came spilling out. While the spirits couldn't be summoned from outside the tower… inside was a very different thing entirely.

"ALRIGHT BOZO'S LISTEN UP!" Said Betelgeuse as his own personal phantom posse stood to attention.

He smiled at his hundreds of spectral soldiers.

"Alright my Spooky Magpies! The game is Cops and Robbers, and would you look at that, we ain't got no cops. So you know what to do. If it ain't nailed down I want it! If it is nailed down… steal it anyway, and snatch those nails up to!"

…

Sinestro turned to Betelgeuse.

"I thought we were here for the spear?"

Betelgeuse looked to Sinestro like he had lost his mind.

"And leave behind all this loot? Hell no! What is wrong with you."

"But..."

"STEAL HIS EVERYTHING!"

…

"Nevermind." Said Sinestro. 

* * *

**A/N:** My Iambic is a bit rusty, but I think I got it when it shows up.


	44. White Fucking Voids

**White Fucking Voids**

Betelgeuse held aloft the Spear of Destiny, an artifact of great holy power, power with many potential applications, for those who wielded the Spear controlled far more than it had ever been used for, it was after all a fragment of the very creator of the universe, and it was only limited by imagination and intent. For the one who held it now though had many ideas what the Spear could be used for… but if there was one thing Betelgeuse knew, it was that if you have an artifact of power… you damn well better give it the respect it deserves. Actually he was somewhat hesitant to even hold it… but he could start small… well small-ish.

The Spear amplified his already potent powers over reality itself as he lifted it high… and brought it down. Cutting a hole in reality itself. Betelgeuse waited as he leaned on the Spear like a walking stick. If he was gonna actually use the spear to any meaningful capacity… he was gonna have to figure out everything he could about it… this seemed to him like a good small thing to try out. Cutting a hole to the Phantom Zone after all was something that even science could do, so it… shouldn't be a grave misuse of the spears powers. Oh no, the grave misusing came AFTER he figured out absolutely everything he could about the spear.

How do you think he made it this long without being exorcised? You learn to be cautious because the results of not being careful were… really fucking ugly.

…

…

"Is this supposed to do something?" Asked Mary.

Betelgeuse rolled his eyes as he spared Mary a glance. Really you'd think an immortal could learn some patience… I mean sure he wasn't patient in the least, but that was no reason other people couldn't be.

"Babes, I've read a lot of comics, books, and seen a lot of movies and TV to pass my afterlife… just wait…"

"What? How is there… Television In the afterlife?"

"Never thought to ask...they love playing the Exorcist though."

Mary ignored that as Betelgeuse drummed his fingers on the spear's handle… waiting for something to come out of the portal.

...

…

"Well!? Is something else supposed to happen?"

Betelgeuse shrugged.

"Shouldn't be much longer...Anybody got a doggie biskit?"

"_ARHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!_" came the wolfish howl.

Betelgeuse smiled as he chuckled.

"There he is. About damn time to."

Suddenly, a bulky werewolf tore from the hole… and turned the ground into splinters as it landed. The surrounding Vampires took a step back… as lasers exploded from the werewolf's eyes. It swung its head, slicing the building apart… right before Betelgeuse smacked it on the head with the broadside of his spear. The Werewolf barked as his claws went to massage his bruise.

"NO BAD LAR-ON! DOWN BOY!"

The fires raged around the Gothic Castle as the surrounding Vampires scrambled to put them out, Mary turned to the insane poltergeist.

"DID YOU SUMMON A KRYPTONIAN WEREWOLF!?" Screamed Mary.

Betelgeuse laughed at her tone as he put the Spear of Destiny hanging off his shoulder. He looked from the still dizzy Lar-On before turning back to Mary.

"Well...Not strictly a werewolf… but close enough." Said Betelgeuse as he looked to the downed werewolf as the hole in reality sealed itself.

Then Betelgeuse whistled.

Lar-On, the Werewolf rubbed his head once more as he turned to Betelgeuse, his fangs bared as he flexed his claws ready to strike… right before Betelgeuse reached out and scratched behind his ears. The Werewolf leaned into the scratch as it's leg twitched and it closed his eyes content.

"Good boy." Said Betelgeuse as he turned to Mary, who was looking back at Betelgeuse with raw fury as Vampires did all they could to put out the fires.

He laughed when parts of the brickwork crumbled and fell on a nearby skeleton. Though his amusement was cut off by a certain very angry Queen of the Vampires.

"Why. Did. You. Summon. A. Werewolf. KRYPTONIAN!"

"Aww, C'mon babes, Lar-On here ain't too bad. Just got himself a nasty case of red kryptonite Infection…"

"Red Kryptonite?" asked Mary in confusion.

"Yep, has completely random effects, most of the time it's temporary… Lar-On here is the exception. He was stashed away into the Phantom Zone until I cut open my own door to get through. Now he's not infectious, but he is always a werewolf… who gets stronger in the sunlight. And now we have a Werewolf who could match Superman, and more than a match to become the new alpha of the werewolves of Earth. Can you say Werewolf army, cause I'm thinkin' werewolf army."

"An army… of Werewolves? Why would we need mongrels when you can summon literal demons at your beck and call?"

Betelgeuse rolled his eyes as Lar-On layed down at the Ghosts feet.

"You need to get over that Fur against Fang mentality you got there, I don't know what it is between Vampires and Werewolves, and I don't really care. I swear this has got to be a recent phenomenon. Listen… babes, It's all part of the plan, I don't rule all of hell babes, I got maybe a few thousand demons and a metric shit ton of ghosts, I want to have as many assets as I can get my grubby little hands on before we do anything… plus I always wanted a pet. And he's a good boy, yes he is, who's my little ferocious beast! You are!"

Lar-On's tongue plopped out of his mouth as he started happily panting, then his tail shook like a dog as Betelgeuse once again scratched behind his ears. Mary turned back to the tower, which was still on fire from the werewolf's heat vision… she suddenly questioned if her marriage to an egotistical madman was such a good idea… demon ghost army be damned…

…

Then again Lar-On was kinda cute… for a werewolf.

…

What was she thinking. No... Her brain did NOT just think that.

"So now we strike?" Asked Mary.

"Not yet… we still have that 'Heroes always Prevail' Bullshit."

"We have Ghosts, Demons, Vampires, and now a Kryptonian Werewolf on our side, we even have the Spear of Destiny, what more could we need? You even have the Enchanted Tower of Dr. Fate in the courtyard!... How did you get that by the way?"

"Yeah, we were thorough snatching that place up. Too much space to cover inside the damn thing. Simpler to just take it all. Plus, I really wanted that alien planet. "

…

"That doesn't answer my question."

"You got guys to take care of the magic mojo on that place? I'm tired of always having to be around to get us inside."

"Yes… and that still doesn't answer my question."

…

…

"You think Lar-On is house trained?"

"UGH!" 

* * *

Meditation is bullshit.

…

…

That about sums up my feelings of the current subject. Currently I've been at this for about… Three hours… somehow…. I guess my ADD is easily manageable in a featureless whote void… there wasn't really much else to do. It wasn't like there was much to look at… maybe that's why I-Ching picked this place, there was no way I could get distracted by on him for foresight, but fuck him for my current boredom.

…

…

God this is boring.

Apparently I was supposed to shift my Ki around my own body, shape it, craft it, mold it… you merely adopted the Ki I-Ching… I was born of it, molded by it… Made Cell by it… presumably. Honestly I don't know why I'm in this universe as Cell, but I've long since stopped caring about such questions. I was far more focused on getting this over with so I could NOT be here getting bored out of my skull… I was failing, cause I could feel sleep about to overtake me… actually a nap sounded… nice...right.._.Zzzzzz!_

…

…

_*THWACK!*_

"GAH! SON OF A FUCKING SHIT SHITTY FUCK GODDAMMIT I-CHING! FUCK YOU IN PARTICULAR YOU BLIND BASTARD!"

"If you're done with your tantrum, perhaps you'd like to try the Kamehameha again… this time without words. I could feel you manipulate your Chi… adequately."

"Well fuck you to I-Chi…" _*THWACK!*_ "OW! FUCKING OW!"

"Now Cell, unless you want to spend another week and a half in here."

…

"Have we been here that long?"

"Maybe. Doesn't matter, Chi Blast. No words… now."

"Ugh! Fiiiiine."

I… in my eternal petulance… got to my feet while flipping off I-Ching, I know he knew I did it to… because he sighed in exacerbation. Yeah, take that bitch… Anyway I placed my palms together and shunted all my Ki into my palms. My power traveled up my body and through my arms, traveling from my chest, to my shoulder, down my arms, and to my hands. A small… very small orb of Ki appeared between my hands. I willed it to get larger… bit it didn't work… so that wasn't it… trying to force more Ki into my hands didn't do it either… but at least I had a Kamehameha ready to go… a very small one… Ok so if it wasn't just a matter of shoving Ki into my palms...then what was it?

"You're almost there. Just focus on your target, not the technique."

Smartass. He really could be annoying sometimes. Maybe that's… did it just get bigger.

"Good. Just don't focus on me as a target, I very much would like to remain alive."

…

…

Wait that's it?

Don't focus on making it bigger, just focus on a target and my body just does the rest by itself?

I shot my hands forward, and the Kamehameha exploded forward. It was… decent in size, not planet killer level, probably not even city buster, but it could reliably kill any normal person in its path. Then it faded… why did it fade? I Was under the impression that Ki attacks were self sustaining… maybe only the strong ones are.

…

"Why didn't you just tell me all I had to do is focus on a target?"

I-Ching shook his head.

"And prevent you from learning on your own, what do I look like? A teacher."

…

…

"Dick."

"Right back at you."

As the void repaired itself, I put my hands in my pockets. All in all, this felt like a job well done.

…

…

"So can we get out of here?"

"Of course, this place gives me the willies." 

* * *

_Allow me to spin you a yarn.  
One that might cause you some alarm.  
This story won't go  
The way you think so  
And I think that is this tales charm._

_And Yes I am talking to you.  
The readers and fans of course to.  
Hello everyone  
And please do not run  
I wish to give you a new view._

_The author wants to surprise you  
But I am a Trickster of truth  
So I will defy  
Even his high eyes  
So I can give you all a clue._

_Now where should this Jester start?  
Perhaps I shall start from the heart.  
So I am now here  
Now lend me your ear  
And I will tell you through my art._

_There once was a group called the Light  
Who sought to rule all with their might  
But they didn't know  
That there was a foe  
Who threatened to bring a new night._

_Of course we cannot forget Cell  
An insect who thought his plan well  
An age of silver  
Sure sounds familiar  
Alas to that we say farewell._

_But even a good plan can change  
It's contents become rearranged  
One to change far more  
Than ever before  
And make this whole world be quite strange._

_Ah, but who is the one who dreams  
To bring about all of these schemes.  
Alas I can't say  
It's better that way  
Just know it is not as it seems._

_I do hope you enjoyed this chat  
Spoken in a rhyming format  
I could tell you more  
Of what is in store  
But tell me what's the fun in that?_

_But now you have a brand new view  
And something to look forward to  
Now continue friends  
Oops the chapter ends  
I bid thee all out there Adieu._


	45. The Average Day for Everyone

**The Average Day for Everyone.**

All in all, I'm happy with my progress. I mean sure Yelling attacks names is 100% badass in my book… cause I be like "I'm so badass I don't need no stinkin stealth, I yell my attacks mother fucker what do I look like a ninja?"... Although ninjas are cool… well either way I've taken a small step to being even more amazingly awesome than I already am. So I was in Gotham, which at this point is basically my turf… kinda, turf as in home, I am NOT stepping on Batmans toes. Besides I'm no hero, so I can live wherever I want. Literally I think that's a human right or something. As I was saying I was walking the streets, cause I can, and enjoying the neo-Gothic architecture mixed with neo-noir aesthetics. See that's one of the bonuses of being stuck in a comic book universe. Everything is so awesome to just… look at. It's actually kinda surreal. Every building had those stone gargoyles that gave the whole place an air of… Well if there was such a thing it gave it an air of sinister sophistication. In addition the overcast sky wasn't so bad as to not let light go through. The few bands of light that did make it through was hitting the glass of skyscrapers and making the whole city kinda glitter. Say what you will about Gothams crime rate, at least it was pretty to look at.

As I walked the streets I….

…

Hmmm…

Ok you know how mosquitoes get hit by cars all the time? Well… I was the mosquito in this situation.

…

So there I was, post-getting-struck by a fast moving vehicle. Me stuck on the front of what appeared to be… huh an armored motorcycle… Why isn't it stopping? You'd think a motorcycle would stop hitting a seven foot tall bug in a suit.

…

Wait… is the motorbike FLYING!

…

But why would…. OHHHHHH SHIT it's Lobo.

…

…

Well… this has become a day.

"Hello bug." Said the velvety Ron Perlman-esque voice but even MORE gravely from the Main Man himself.

…

…

"Hi!"

I mean seriously… what else would I say.

"You got… quite a bounty on ya you know that."

…

"No, I was not particularly aware!"

Lobo smiled as he hit the brakes... space brakes.

…

I kept flying… it was only now I was aware that we were in orbit over earth… huh. I turned to Lobo who was smoking his cigar as he revved his space bike… space hog…. Whatever.

"Any last words!"

…

Hold on a second.

"Are you… smoking… in the vacuum of space?"

Lobo took a nice long hit of hos cigar, before exhaling it and smiling.

"Bitch, are you talking in the Vacuum of space." He said calmly.

…

…

"Fair enough."

Lobo hit the space gas and rammed into me at what was presumably FTL speeds. As I tried to get my bearings I felt PAIN OH GOD WHY! Because Lobo had landed on the moon, me still in front on his bike, as he dug a trench across the surface of the moon with me as the shovel.

"OW OW OW OW OW OW OWOW OWOW OW! FUCKING OUCH!"

Enough of this shit. I threw a ball of Ki at where I thought Lobos face was, which resulted in me getting to hear the Glorious Voice of Ron Perlman say "FUCK!" Which was kinda nice. I then proceeded to kick off the bike and start to fly. I was a bit dizzy… and partially headless, but I managed to land on my feet… as my head grew back I realized that I had somehow landed in the Apollo Landing sight and had destroyed the rover, flag, and… general 30 meter radius.

Ok, now I'm pissed.

So with the rage of a thousands KHORNATE DEMONS I fucking flew right up to Lobo and punches him in his fucking face… which conveniently knocked him off his bike… which continued to fly into the ground until it exploded on impact and was nothing but pieces of scrap… YEAH FUCK YOU LOBO, YOU DESTROY THE APOLLO SITE, I DESTROY YOUR FUCKING BIKE!

…

…

Lobo managed to steady himself and focus on me ready to strike… but then he looked to his bike.

…

…

"That was… a SpazFrag666… with a miniaturized 17-liter powerplant, 3x Turbo and full HandsOff facility."

…

…

So I was flying through the void of space after getting punched in the face by Lobo who went from angry to FUCKING LIVID in the time it took for me to crash into Mars.

…

So we were on Mars now… oh look Martians.

So Lobo started to punch me repeatedly as the Mars Folk ran like their ass caught on fire, which was double-y bad for Martian. I… was not exactly good at CQC so I kinda just got my ass handed to me repeatedly… but seeing as I'm immortal that just made this situation less Life or Death moment and more Really fucking Inconvenient.

That said… my Regeneration was getting a HELL of a workout.

Lobo finished with a mighty Hammer Punch that embedded me in the ground about 10 feet or so.

…

…

See this is why I like Ki Lasers, I don't HAVE to fight in Close Quarters Combat. I got out of the hole, ready to strike and… HURRICANE PUNCHES 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!

That said, by the Grace of Mothra, one of my random failings managed intentionally (accidentally) to catch Lobo's fist, and I SLUNG THAT MOTHERFUCKER OVER MY SHOULDER AND SLAMMED HIM INTO THE GROUND. I wasn't going to stop there either. I started throwing my wordless Kamehamehas at the hole Lobo now inhabited which made a nice crater for Mars to make into a tourist trap. I stood borderline out of Breath as Lobo crawled out of the rubble and brushed off his leather jacket. He looked at me as he cracked his neck.

"Oh, I can already tell this is gonna be good."

"Ok, counter proposal… I pay you NOT to kick my ass."

"Tempting… but."

One fist in my face and a new Martian canyon later I was trying to will the world to stop spinning.

"You wrecked my Bike."

I shook myself back to normal as I looked to Lobo.

"I'll buy you a bike. Jeez I'll buy you two bikes if you JUST STOP PUNCHING ME!"

"You can take a hit… I respect that."

Lobo exploded into action and sucker punched me so hard that I was momentarily decapitated, thankfully I managed to spin my headless body around to slam the broadside of my tail into Lobo and send his ass flying. My head finished growing and I didn't Let up. I immediately readied my attack. I formed two Ki Orbs in my hands.

"Ki Clap!"

As My palms came together I made… yet another Martian Canyon was made…not that I was sticking around, I took the opportunity to Instant Transmission back to earth, Cause I'll be damned if I was sticking around THAT. Besides, Martians were like... Diet Kryptonians. They could easily handle the Main Man. I brushed off my suit… well If I had a suit left I would have brushed it. I walked through the caves of Mt. Justice to find a seat next to Lapis and Robin, who looked to be playing Clue. I sat back and relaxed.

"Hey Cell, how was your walk?" Asked Robin.

I shrugged.

"Same old, same old."

* * *

So back to my life, I had been back from that White Void a few weeks now, and decided to get back to work. I attended a few Lexcorp meetings, annoyed Lex, and checked the progress of Santa Claus and the Martians Vs. The Forces of Hell as well as my Freddy Fazzbear arcade. All in all, until Gizmo could crack the Father Box I didn't really have all that much to do. A few things to note, I used my assets to buy the rest of S.T.A.R. Labs, making me the sole owner. Made quite a dent in my savings accounts but hey… I own the place now… which of course meant I could do anything I want to the place… so I decided to implement a new company policy where we can legally launch fireworks at the top of the building anytime we have a breakthrough. Should incentive people working smarter and making results, and if not… well my Moth Brain is too busy looking at the fireworks to care.

"Hey Sammy, what's up in my company today."

"Cell, I'm a scientist not an administrator, I don't know how the company is doing. "

"Actually I'm just here to see the SCIENCE!"

"Oh… well follow me then."

I love being rich.

* * *

The Joker watched as Scarecrow flew off with the Central Red Lantern battery. They didn't even know that the vast majority of Atrocitus's forces were now… gone, made to vanish, as if into thin air. It made Crane's attempts to get the Red Lantern all the simpler, and more importantly faster.

_"Only three now to go. And then it's on with the show."_

"Why are we helping Crane anyway?" Asked the Joker, or rather one of his many duplicates.

_"Leverage."_ Spoke Cegorach.

"I don't understand? Leverage to do what exactly?"

"Why clown man care when we just sabby sabby kill them. Too late to complain." Daid Larfleeze.

"I'm not complaining Fleezy my boy, just curious. I don't understand the big picture." Said Joker as he looked back to the giggling void.

_"Trust in me, for there is much I foresee."_

"Clairvoyance got it." Said the Joker raising a hand in the 'OK' gesture.

Cegorach giggled.

* * *

All in all, out of everything I expected Sammy to show me, this wasn't at all what I was expecting.

"We have the only remaining sample of the creature called, The Cancer God."

"Yeah, I was there. Killed it… Well, Godzilla killed it but me and Superman helped."

"I am aware. Regardless, it's a fascinating specimen."

That... Was objectively false.

"I somehow very much doubt that… trust me, it is anything but fascinating. Grotesque… sure, Visceral and disgusting… yes, but not fascinating."

"Matter of opinion I suppose, whatever. We looked into the Cancer cells and well... we found this."

Dr. Samuel flipped a switch… and… well I think he was giving it an electrocution... Can't really tell, but I watched it.

…

…

It jiggled.

…

…

"Very educational Doc, but…"

Then something magical happened... The goo began to shift... And then I saw a tiny Godzilla in the massive glass case. Mind you, it was still abput 10 or so feet tall... But for a Godzilla thats on the small side of things.

Oh also What!?

It then turned into a duck. Which turned into a T. Rex…. And a bunch of other animals that stretched the gambit from adorable… to fucking terrifying. Like one minute it was an adorable kitten… then it was an 80 pound flea. Then it… did something else... It dissolved into swirling White Lights.

..

Heh... shimmery lights are pretty.

...

…

Then the pretty pretty white lights dissolved into goo after Sammy flipped the switch again.

…

"Ok, first of all… awwww I miss you lights!... And Second of all EW thats gross!"

"Yeah, we're not sure why it does that, but we intend to find out."

"Yeah, dissect the Eldritch Abomination that can only end well."

"Oh, hell no we're not going anywhere near it. We're dropping him off at a facility about 5 miles underground to study it robotically. This is just a temporary container."

"Still we shouldn't just poke it with a …. I'm sorry, did you say 5 Mile underground Lair… we have the budget for that?"

"Apparently yes."

…

…

"Neat."

"yeah, our budget is insane."

"Hell no! More underground bases please… but getting back to Big C-Dawg here…"

"Big… what?"

"The C stands for Cancer, not important… how much of the Cancer God remains?"

"Eh… bout a ton."

…

…

Well this can only end well.

Still… Subterranean Mad Science Lair… fuck yeah.

* * *

Betelgeuse calmly walked with Ghost Sinestro towards the newly constructed literal Mad Science Laboratory, where the Ghost of Dr. Frankenstein surrounded himself by tesla coils and the infernal engines of Hell. And yes, it was THAT Dr. Frankenstein, father of the Frankenstein monster. Who still roamed the earth somewhere... Probably terrifying the countryside. Sinestro had long since put the good Doctor to work. As always Betelgeuse held the Spear of Destiny, now mounted on a short handle, making it look less like a spear, and more like a double sided dagger. Betelgeuse flipped the dagger in his hands bored as they came across the Mad Scientist as he crafted a new weapon.

"Hello Betelgeuse, and you to Sinestro." Said the Doctor.

"Yo Frank, whatcha working on?"

Dr. Frankenstein nodded as he pulled up a mess of a gun. It was covered in spikes and crafted from a Tesla coil and human skull.

"I don't have many materials to work with… but this is something I wiped up on such short notice. It casts lightning from the deepest pits of the Netherworld."

"What does it run on?" Asked Sinestro.

"Crystallized Soulstuff."

"Nice" Said Betelgeuse.

"Perhaps. So where are you off to?" Asked Frankenstein.

"We're still waiting for the magic vampire guys to get in the tower."

"Can't you just let them in?" Asked Sinestro.

"Where's the fun in that."

"Fair enough I suppose." Said Sinestro.

"Eh, I'm not in any really big hurry to actually do anything. Still kinda getting used to total freedom actually."

"Ah, the three name rule."

"Not any more. Whatever… hey boys, wanna go haunt an orphanage or something?"

"I'm busy." Said Frankenstein.

Betelgeuse shrugged and turned to Sinestro… who sighed.

"Lets go."

* * *

Back at Mt. Justice… M'gann immediately was on my case when I teleported in and was talking to me about... welll...

"Yeah, Mars apparently has a musclebound Madman in Jail… and Uncle J'onn was looking for you."

…

…

"Me no speak english. Me… from… Antarctica, BYE!"

So as I was saying… back in the streets of Gotham I walked… not avoiding anyone at all. Minding my own business.

…

…

"Hello Cell." said the Martian Manhunter.

"IT WAS OTHER CELL I SWEAR!"

My life is weird. Fun, but Weird.


	46. Scared Straight

**Scared Straight**

Word of advice, don't get into fights on Mars with psychotic Bounty Hunters.

"I ain't tellin' you shit! He's my target, now let me OUT OF THIS FUCKING THING BEFORE I STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR OWN ENTRAILS!"

Side note, Martians are very good at keeping said Psychotic Bounty Hunters locked away. I don't know what Lobo was strapped in… it was kinda like a techno iron maiden… but his head was sticking out.

"Please do be quiet Lobo." Said the Martian… cop I guess, before turning to me.

"Did you really have to bring that fight to Mars?"

"In my defense… I didn't know he could punch that hard… actually…" I said before turning to Lobo.

"How the hell did you get from the Moon to Mars? Your bike was broken."

"YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BROKE DICK HEAD… AND I CAN JUMP ASSHOLE!"

"You… Jumped? From the Moon to Mars?"

"D-d-d-did I stutter numb nuts!"

...

"I don't have nuts."

"Fine by me…. I'll find something else to shove up your ass."

"I don't have an ass either."

"I'LL FUCKING MAKE ONE!"

…

…

"I think he's mad at me."

"If we can back on track…" said the Martian Manhunter. "... It sounds like Lobo was the aggressor…"

"DAMN RIGHT I'M AGGRESSIVE! GET OVER HERE SO I CAN BITE YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF!"

"...a confession. That makes this simpler." Said J'onn.

"So…. I'm not in trouble?" I asked.

"WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE YOU ARE!"

"I wouldn't say that. After teleporting to earth you did not come to the League, who could have informed me to handle the problem. You still are very much in trouble." Said J'onn.

…

…

"In my defense… I am me, and therefore I make bad decisions."

"LIKE RUINING MY FUCKING BIKE!"

"See even Lobo agrees with me."

"J'onn…" spoke the Mars Cop dude. " I understand there must be a form of punishment for that… but in all honesty… we are well aware of Cell, and even right now do not really want him on the planet."

Oh cool I'm famous… or… infamous I guess.

"Already taken into Consideration S'tvv."

…

His name sounds like Steve? Lol.

"Good… so with that out of the way, I'll just bring this one to the containment field."

"FUCK YOU MARTIAN BITCH!" Screamed Lobo as he was wheeled away like Hannibal Lecter.

…

"So… what's my punishment?"

"Tell me Cell… have you ever heard of Scared Straight?"

…

…

"Fuck!" 

* * *

"Welcome to Belle Reve Cell."

You know… all things considered. I probably deserve this fate. I mean… let's be honest, I am an asshole, and as an asshole I do very Asshole-ish things. Karma was eventually going to catch up with me, it was never a matter of if… only when. That said, a Scared Straight program for potential Supervillains is an intriguing idea that could probably make for a really awesome movie. I think after Santa Claus and the Martians Vs. The Forces of Hell… I'm gonna see if I can maybe start a Reality TV series with Metahumans and Mad Scientists in training going to Jail for a day. Should rake in an impressive amount of cash actually.

…

What was I doing?

…

Oh right, I'm in jail…. And that… is Amanda Waller…. Huh…

…

Ok how can I use this situation for maximum Lulz?

...

"... Hi. Miss Waller, how's it shakin? How was the all you can eat buff *_THWACK!_* OW! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME!"

"Because you open your mouth. Now listen here Cell, I know who you are, and I know your reputation. That will not fly in these walls."

"There's flies on the walls?"

…

*_THWACK!_*

"OW!"

I'm sensing a theme. It appears that the Universe is trying to tell me something… or maybe reality is creating situations to try and smack some sense into me, jokes on you Universe, I have Common Sense, I just choose to ignore it.I'm serious, to deliberately put myself in really stupid situations, I NEED common sense so I know what NOT to do. Anyway, I had to deal with Amanda Waller… probably the baddest bitch in all of DC comics. Currently she was shooting me a look as she smacked her cane against her palm repeatedly. Like she was making a threat. Well challenge accepted Miss Waller. So I stuck my tongue out.

*_THWACK!_*

JUST AS PLANNED!

"Are you hitting on me Miss Waller?"

Amanda Waller was not amused.

"You're gonna be difficult aren't you."

"You know me so well!"

*_THWACK!_*

"GAH!"

"I am fat, black, and menopausal. You do NOT want to mess with me!"

…

…

I honestly don't know any comeback for that... Well played Miss Waller, Well Played.

"Get ready for a fitting."

"Huh!?" 

* * *

So… apparently Power Nullifying Collars exist… each calibrated for a very specific power… buuuuuuut I happen to have a lot of powers… a consequence of having the random grab bag of powers was my collar had to be… really fucking heavy. It blocked superhuman strength, speed, flight, Ki, and a bunch of other things… they let me keep my regeneration though… that said… I may have… neglected to mention a little… something. Heh! Anyway, I am to roam the jail as if I were a normal prisoner for a day. Apparently enhanced regeneration is grounds to let you roam around without guards or anything like that… cause that's fair… then again… I am very very VERY hard to kill… so hard that people have failed repeatedly and paid for it in embarrassment. Anyway, I walked around the lunch room, getting ready to eat… gruel… Thank Mothra I'm only here for one day…. I miss pizza.

"I know you."

…

Turning to the voice, I found myself face to face with… Icicle Jr…. Okay, someone actually approached me… that's… interesting. Lets see where he's going with this.

…

"...So… are you just letting me know you know me?"

"What… no I heard about you. Cell right?"

"Maaaaaaybe…. Why?"

Cell is confuse. Cell no like being confuse. I was under the impression that Supervillains don't want anything to do with me.

…

Is he still talking?

"... And because of you… Mr. Freeze ain't here no more."

Cell confuse again. I mean yes, I probably could just pay attention to what he's saying… but I'm kinda distracted by how the… pretty lights glitter off his ice skin…

…

Heh! Lights are pretty.

...

…

Oh right, he said something… uhhhh… how to respond?

...

"So?"

"So! That's all you have to say… So!"

Am I missing something? I feel like I'm missing something. Icicle Jr. started to tap on his chin repeatedly. Ohhhhh…. He's thinking.

"Don't hurt yourself thinking too hard Junior."

Yes I stole that joke from Lazuli, and no I don't care.

"Hmm…" hummed Icicle Jr.

"Can you do that somewhere else. I'm just here for a day, I don't really want to talk to any of my potential future victims."

Icicle Jr. smiled. I noticed that the other prisoners in the cafeteria were looking in our direction. So something tells me that something is about to happen… well I can guarantee this won't go however they think it will. I can be very annoying and obnoxious when I want to be.

"If I take you out, then I took out the guy who ruined my dads plan."

"You always talk to yourself about potential nefarious plans?"

Icicle Jr smiled…. Right before he used his razor sharp Ice Fingers to stab me in the gut. An alarm went off… but I just looked down at my steadily regeneration wound.

"Wha…"

"You Dun Goofed."

"But."

"FASHION CANNON!"

Like I said, I may have neglected to mention that while I primarily use Ki… the Fashion Cannon is Magic bitch.

Icicle Jr. looked at his current outfit, which consisted of a Sailor Moon dress complete with wand. His eyes grew wide right before what exactly happened fully sank in, then he ran screaming while holding his mini skirt down as best he could so no one would see his… unmentionables.

…

Let the Games Begin!

I stood on the table, pointed at prisoners with reckless abandon, and started shouting.

"You get a Sailor Suit FASHION CANNON! And you get a Sailor Suit, FASHION CANNON! EVERYBODY GETS A SAILOR SUIT! FASHION CANNON, FASHION CANNON! FASHION CANNON! FOR YOU, AND YOU, AND YOU!"

I looked over the prison as the crisscrossing chaos ensued, and I saw that it was Lulz-y. Then my Collar shocked me and I passed out as the current passed through my brain.

Worth it. 

* * *

The Giggling Void sang as his Harlequins followed him through a familiar place, familiar for the Joker and Harley Quinn that is. Larfleeze… was mostly just following trying not to fall into the swamps of Gotham. The Joker then listened to the song Cegorach sang.

_"Solomon Grundy, born on a Monday.  
Christened on Tuesday,  
Married on Wednesday,  
Took ill on Thursday,  
Grew worse on Friday,  
Died on Saturday,  
Buried on Sunday,  
That was the end,  
Of Solomon Grundy."_

"I know that rhyme… there was an old wives tale about it. A revenant that died here in Slaughter Swamp, supposedly he rises from his grave to haunt the living." Said the Joker.

"You talkin' bout Grundy's Night?" Asked Harley Quinn butting in.

The Joker… paused trying to figure out what the hell she was talking about… but nothing came to mind.

"Grundy's what?"

"Yeah, something about poor folks of the 19th century making a voodoo zombie to get revenge on the rich or something like that. He's supposed to wake up on Halloween I think."

"...Never heard that one. I just heard about a zombie that rises and causes chaos." Said Joker.

"It all sound like nonsense to Larfleeze."

"Says the guy who previously had a ring that stole souls." Said Joker rolling his eyes before turning to the Laughing Void.

"So we're here because of a zombie story?"

_"I promise you that it is very true."_

Cegorach giggled and the Giggling void shimmered with a nebula of psionic energy that coalesced into a multi colored ethereal limb, vaguely reminiscent of an arm, but more resembled a flowing mass of light, gliding silently through the swamps, illuminating it in fae light. Theatre masks then danced from the void to hover over the swamp, drowning the area in tangible power that felt… off. The miasma of Psyker energy had no concrete feeling, but to the Harlequins, it felt like the essence of melody itself. The ghostly Jester manifested within the Psyker miasma, this was the first time the Trio had ever seen Cegorach in all his glory, and it was terrifying. His Grin was too wide, his features exaggerated and angular. The Joker recalled… vague memories from when he were a child, a mother who told old tales of Unseelie Fae. Stories of entire families being wiped out for daring to build their house across a fairy path, or children stolen in the night and replaced with Changelings. Horrible creatures who would answer even the smallest slight with death. A story of men forced to dance until their legs ground down into stumps. Capricious and unpredictable… was it any wonder the Joker found kinship with such an entity.

Then Cegorach began to dance and sing.

_"Awaken lonely ghost of Song and Rhyme  
Tonight wake early ancient lost to time.  
Awaken Creature to dig from your grave.  
Now wake and take eternal life thou crave."_

A grey hand burst from the ground, Cegorach laughed as a ghoulish rotted desiccated corpse clawed from the earth. The Ghostly Jester then bowed and vanished into the Ethereal void to become the Laughing Abyss once more.  
_  
"Out the grave will climb, a living nursery rhyme.  
A creature of abhorrence, for the coming performance."_

The Undead creature stood well over eight feet tall. It wore ancient clothes torn and caked in mud. It's skin was a the decrepit grey of rot and decay. It's build was deceptively thin, but upon closer inspection swollen rotting muscles could be seen. It was as if the creature were both gaunt and build all at once.

"Why would we need a zombie?" Asked Joker.

_"Just looking to enlist, and how could I resist. A creature of Song, to bring along."_

"Sooo…. We didn't, you just like the idea of having a literal nursery rhyme work for you?" Asked Joker.

Then Solomon Grundy turned to the Trio and the Giggling Void behind them.

_"Indeed my friend…"_ said Cegorach as an ethereal arm pointed to the Undead Revenant._ "...Now apprehend."_

…

…

"What?"

_"There was one thing I chose to omit, this monster will not simply submit.  
I merely summoned the creature, but I am not It's leader.  
If he is to become my knight, then first we must fight.  
Well of course by we I mean you, I am sure you will pull through."_

The Joker, Harley Quinn, and Larfleeze slowly turned from the Laughing Abyss, to the steadily approaching invulnerable zombie.

_"I wish you luck."_

The Joker blinked…. Right as Solomon Grundy uprooted a tree.

"OH FUCK!" Screamed the Joker as he narrowly dodged a flying tree.


	47. Prison Break

**Prison Break**

"... This resulted in roughly a tenth of the Prison population being dressed in outfits from Sailor Moon." Said Batman.

...

...

Again... Said Batman... The Flash was HIGHLY amused by this current turn of events.

…

…

"So… he dressed up Supervillains as Magical Girls huh?" Asked Flash.

"Yes. Apparently his ability to materialize clothing does not function with Ki." Said Batman.

"Huh… neat. Productive Chaotic Cell-ness, we probably should have done this sooner."

Batman hummed dismissively.

"Think We can keep him in there? For the prisoners own good that is?"

"No."

The Flash shrugged.

"Oh well, I tried."

"What are you two talking about?" Asked Wonder Woman as she entered the room.

"Cell in Jail." Said the Flash.

"Oh right, how is that going by the way?"

Batman laid the pictures on the table. When Wonder Woman saw Captain Cold in a mini-skirt… she just decided it best not to ask any more questions and just left the room. 

* * *

"Was that entirely necessary?" Asked Miss Waller.

A loaded question if there ever was one. You know what I'm about. You knew what this was...Waller.

"Well… I am me, therefore yes… necessary was indeed what that was…. What was it again? I forgot."

Amanda Waller sighed in frustration.

"I am so glad you're out of here in sixteen more hours."

…

The FUCK did she say!?

"SIXTEEN HOURS! THAT'S INHUMANE!"

"Shut the fuck up Cell."

I crossed my arms and sighed before grumbling incoherent dialogue to myself… because as previously established… I am a Big Boy Adult Man… Big… Bug-Lizard… Thing.

"Seeing as you can't go three minutes without making a nuisance of yourself, were going to calibrate your collar to get rid of all known mechanisms of every power we can think of. Psionics, Magic, the works."

"Can I keep regeneration?"

"Considering you were impaled within your first few minutes of prisoner contact, yes… but we will be watching you."

"Fair enough."

Ok… new plan, time to escape prison. I mean seriously… sixteen hours? That's just evil. No way I was sticking around HERE that long. 

* * *

So… My new Collar weighed about… 16 pounds… give or take to make sure I had absolutely nothing to work with but regeneration. So that was fun to lug around. Currently everyone was in the indoor prison yard, doing prisoner shenanigans, not quite sure what prisoners do… but they certainly were doing it now.

"Fuck off Bug!" Said a passing inmate.

Prison Culture truly is rich and diverse.

Moving on, I gotta say… this place was built interestingly. The 'Prison Yard' was a massive room with a 30 foot tall walls holding up a plexiglass ceiling. Bars criss crossed across the glass ceiling above, before turning into a fence that separated the armed guards from the prisoners. There was a massive Central tower that was also surrounded by a fence, so it was kinda like a panopticon… but with hallways that lead to other parts of the Prison that Prisoners had access to… which was just fine in my book. I had come up with my brilliant plan for escape… I had no intentions of sticking around this joint. Prison is an awful AWFUL place, it changes you… for the worst at that. I should know… I've been in here for a couple of hours. In Cell Time that's like… three forevers and an eternity.

"Eat a dick Bug!" Screamed another random inmate.

You could write a book of prison cultures intricacies.

Anyway I was thinking up ways to escape in the…. 16 or so hours left here. Of course… because I am me… I managed to find and lose my middle finger to Captain "Crossdressing" Cold.

…

…

So let me tell you about it.

I was minding my own business… for real. No that's not a set up to a joke… honest… I really… truly… was minding my own business… Kinda... So long as you don't count that Inmate I was talking to before... More on that in a bit.

See Captain Cold was one of those involved in the Crossdressing Sailor Moon incident. Or as It's officially known as… The Wardrobe Malfunction. At least that's what I hope they named it… can't really be sure. Anyway a very angry and pissed off Cap'n decided to sit at the table across from me where I had successfully managed to make an inmate cry by talking about our Lady and Savior Mothra… apparently he was very attached to insects of the Order Lepidoptera… he ran off crying about how 'That mean old Moth man just WON'T SHUT UP!'

To be fair… I am very passionate about my religion….

…

What was I talking about again?

…

…

Oh right Captain Cold.

At least I think it was Captain Cold, I'm not used to him not dressed up as a Blue Eskimo. To make a long story slightly less long… Cap'n Cold decided to relieve me of said finger when he came to bitch at me about his impromptu crossdressing escapades and the massive offense he took to that. I informed him what he does in the privacy of a crowded cafeteria was his own damn business… and he decided my face would look much better as a pancake… When that didn't work because again…. Immortal… I flipped him off and he snapped my middle finger off like a pencil in response… I got better though, and Cold was dragged off by some guards as I was read the riot act by other guards about Inmate Coexistence or something like that… I wasn't really paying attention… I flipped them off too though with my newly regrown middle finger and stuck my tongue out at them before I went back to planning my escape… which upon reflection of the days events was partially inspired by the Endless Delirium when I met her.

First thing was first… I found my old finger… and casually tossed it over the fence that separates the guards from the prisoners, I managed to hit a passing bird with it, who fell to the ground in a daze before shooting me the angriest look I ever seen on a bird before flying off to the central guard tower… I… did not intend to hit a pigeon, and I did wonder why one was inside of the prison in the first place… logically that is the last place a bird wants to be… Life finds a way I guess and as a result these things happen. I decided to aimlessly wander until I found a Sizable Posse of Prisoners which included … the Mammoth who suited my escape plan juuuust fine. I ignored absolutely everyone as I made my way to Mt. Muscles because… well remember when I said my plan involved something inspired by Delirium of the Endless?

…

*_poke_*

"Wha… oh it's you, what do you want?" Asked the Mammoth.

…

…

*_poke_*

"Stop it."

…

…

*_poke_*

"I'm warning you."

…

…

*_poke_*

"That's it!" Screamed Mammoth.

As the massive mountain of a monster got to his feet… I blinked. Mammoth picked me up by my throat, and piledrived me into the ground. He quickly got to his feet, and started to punch me in the face repeatedly… which was all apart of my plan… a Sizable crowd had formed around us, some cheering… others deciding to join in and kick me while I was down… It was at this point I realized no one here wanted to be my friend… which was just hurtful and mean.

Of course peoples collar eventually started to go off, but some people were just so angry at me about… something. I wonder what I did to piss them all off… either way, eventually the electric shocks were too much, but my slightly more vulnerable self managed to get pasted… or at least my head did.

As a result I didn't have any real idea what was going on… but eventually I started to grow back… but not from my body.

My discarded Middle Finger twitched as it started to knit flesh and bone together and grow an additional exoskeleton. After three seconds I had a hand, after ten I had an arm, after a couple more I had a chest and most of a head… with my newly regrown eyes, I could see that the riot had started… and no one had noticed me yet… buuuut again… this is ME we're talking about here so you can imagine how long that lasted.

"HI GUYS!"

About three seconds give or take.

Cue the simultaneous glances of Supervillains and crazy folk and the blaring of alarms. I spotted Mammoth.

"Hi big guy, tell Captain Cold thanks for ripping off my finger." I said as I sprouted legs.

Newly regrown on the other side of the fence… everyone was looking at me when… oh wait a second… I just realized I'm not wearing a collar anymore… my other corpse was… well never let opportunity pass you by.

"FASHION CANNON!"

Sure the guards tried to stop me… but with my powers back… yeah good luck with that one guys.

"FASHION CANNON!"

I opted for the fashion roulette over any kind of dress code. As a result… the prison was filled with Ballerinas, southern Belles, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit enthusiasts, itchy Christmas sweaters, and the kings of the Speedos.

"FASHION CANNON!"

And now Mammoth is an Astronaut Sumo Wrestler… this is then most fun Prison Break ever. 

* * *

Amanda Waller was drawn from her paperwork as the alarms blared. Immediately she was on her feet and out the door, where she found Hugo Strange also running down the halls.

"Who's the escapee!?" She screamed while running.

"I don't know. It could be any of…"

"FASHION CANNON!"

Amanda Waller froze in her steps at the image of Hugo Strange… in a Crotchless Fursuit... which was decidedly the exact last thing she ever expected to see today… thank goodness he was wearing underwear... and as retarded as it was… that event did answer who it was who escaped… and of course… it was Cell… who apparently didn't have the patience for… ten more hours.

Speaking of the Insect, he came flying down the halls, being chased by Prison Guard Mimes and Cowboy Strippers… complete with assless chaps… and unfortunately some of them decided to go Commando today.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPERS!" Screamed Cell as he knocked Fursuit Hugo Strange to the ground.

…

…

Fuck today… Fuck it in it's fucking face. 

* * *

I had managed to make it outside of the Prison… but… well the fun times were happening inside there, so I went back in to help everyone with their malfunctioning wardrobe by introducing them to the wonder that was the leotard… can you say extra chafed? Cause I'm thinking extra chafed.

All in all… best prison experience I've ever had… but I'm no spoilsport… so I decided to make a stop at the Warden's office and sit down… since I teleported in here however… no one seemed to be aware I was still in the prison. I knew this because the dogs and guards making a perimeter search pointed to them being unaware. I took Wallers seat for myself and kicked back as I watched the Chaos unfold on the CCTV cameras in the office. I really should do something nice for Captain Cold, after all it was his efforts that made all of this possible.

…

Maybe I'll buy him an Elsa from Frozen Body Pillow or something. A nice one, it'll be real classy.

Then the door opened, and a frantic Amanda Waller came into the room… but she stood stock still when she saw me.

"I'm sorry, but I, Warden Cell is currently on break. Can we do this later?"

…

…

Wow she's being creepily quiet.

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CHAIR AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PRISON!"

Nevermind, she can be LOUD!

"Wha…" 

* * *

So… I was standing outside of Belle Reve. The front doors behind me were locked and sealed shut with a giant metal door that had slammed shut… something tells me they don't want me back inside… oh well, their loss is my gain. In this case I've learned something wonderful. I can use discarded body parts as a really… gross method of teleportation. Which was a very nice thing to know.

I unfortunately was naked again… but It's better than Prison Orange, so all in all not much of a downgrade. It's no tailor made three piece suit though. Regardless, now that I was a free bug after being locked up for… hmmm… about 15 or so hours total.

…

…

I wonder if Gizmo was done with the Father Box.

…

…

Why is the sky suddenly darker?

…

…

Where did ten thousand Pigeons come from?

…

…

Why do they all look pissed?

…

…

Oh right… well Fuck!

And then the Flock descended… and I ran from natures cooing wrath.

Moral of the story.

…

Don't fuck with Pigeons.


	48. Cell Vs The Goodfeathers

**Cell Vs. The Goodfeathers**

I was breathing heavily as I observed my surroundings. I had managed to run all the way from Belle Reve to Gotham… sure I could have teleported… but I've never been one to do things sane. Either way, the Coast was clear. I had managed to seize a trench coat and fedora to disguise myself from the Flying Menaces… truly my most dangerous foe… The Goodfeathers. I had come to the conclusion that the Pigeon I accidentally hit with my finger was the Godpigeon. It was the only explanation as to the feathered wrath I now face.

I snuck through the streets eyeing the streetlamps and buildings for Pigeons and nests… thus far I had managed to avoid them entirely. This was no easy feat, and at a few instances I feared for my immortal life. Truly Pigeons were the birds of the Devil himself… or something like that. As I snuck through the City… I heard fluttering wings and an ominous Coo… And I ran. The Flock descended and I hightailed it outta there bobbing and weaving through the descending winged death. Then as I turned a corner… I saw my salvation…

Batman was Batmaning, currently beating up innocent hitmen who were dressed as ninja… so probably the League of Shadows but that wasn't my salvation, rather it was what was just past Batman... the Batmobile, and somehow… don't ask me how, the door was open. As my creed goes, never ever EVER let opportunity pass you by, so I ran towards the safety of the world's most expensive car and passed the Caped Crusader as he continued to punch ninja criminals in the face. He had glanced around to see me and momentarily froze… normally that would be a bad thing to do in the middle of a fight, but many of the assassin ninjas, immediately upon seeing me, hightailed it out of there for reasons that were beyond my comprehension… but if I had to guess, maybe it was having Jerry hug Ra's to death…. A dozen or so times. Either way, Batman looked surprised to see me… and the Flock that aggressively followed after the giant bug man like he was a giant walking slice of bread covered in bird seed… I paid no attention to this as I leapt with all my might and dove into the Batmobile… closed the door begildme… and hit the Gas.

The Pigeons however were prepared for this balls to the wall maneuver, and it took only moments for Pigeon Poop to cover the entire windshield, but then... I found a shiny red button… do you really need to ask if I pressed it, cause I didn't hesitate for one second.

Turns out… that red button was the hyperdrive.

"DIE PIGEONS!" I screamed I opened up several crates of rocket powered FUCK YOU at the pigeon menace.

The nitro hit the Batmobiles tank and I started doing donuts in the streets, knocking the Pigeons around as the Jet Engines made roasted pheasant… somehow, pretty sure pigeons weren't pheasants but it's best not to ask these questions. Doesn't matter because I'm gonna FUCK THIER SHIT UP!

"EAT JET POWERED STEEL YOU FLYING SCROTUM GOBBLERING FEATHERED FUCK NUGGETS!" I screamed channelling my inner Kratos.

However, this had angered the Flock of Doom, as Demon Pigeons all proceeded to circle the Batmobile… an impressive feat considering the speed I was moving, then a portion of the rage powered birds aimed for the Jet Engines with a metric fuck ton of bird poop and feathers. Say what you will about these evil pigeons… they have VERY good aim. It took only several minutes of constant… unmentionable deeds involving Pigeon Cloaca, flying feathers, and possibly a liberal amount of sunflower seeds… don't ask. Either way eventually they successfully managed to plug up the engines...Which caused the engines to have an… unfortunate and violent reaction to say the least.

…

Soooo ...Anyway.

…

...

The resulting explosion launched me into the sky above the Skyscrapers…covered in burning jet fuel and twisted metal... I sure hope Batman has insurance. In hindsight… using the Batmobile as a Jet Powered Battering Ram was not my best idea, but then again it could go down as my most AWESOME idea… I would also like to point out that I wouldn't be in this situation if some-martian didn't think Scared Straight was a good idea…. That's my excuse. So long as I can pin this event on someone… no matter how flimsy, I knew this was going to work out for the best. Which is all someone/somebug like me could ever ask for. I suppose I could also ask to not be on fire but beggars can't be choosers, unless you're a begging chooser in which case you are the bane of the earth.

...

Where was I?

…

…

Oh right I was exploding.

Yeah I was mostly on fire and flying (read pre-falling) through the sky. The parts of me that wasn't on fire… was currently patiently waiting for the fires to go out so It could start that whole regenerating process that I am such a fan of, but jet fuel is one hell of an accelerant. Like seriously… I think this shit could fuel a fire under water.

Then the Pigeons came back, and they were dicks about it… as should be expected by now…. especially that one fucking pigeon I had named Carl. Carl was a very special and particularly angry bird, and loved going for the eyes more than anything else. A crafty son of a bitch to be sure. He was distinctive for having this weird brown spot on his head and an intense hatred for all things ocular. Seriously it was like everything I hated in the world fucked itself and made… this asshole.

To reiterate, don't fuck with Pigeons, but FUCK CARL!

…

So anyway I decided to fuck with the Pigeons as they all flew towards my flying/falling self. I attempted to decapitate one with a karate chop but failed miserably only managing to knock off some feathers off of one of the birds… I hope it was Carl. Then they retaliated by pulling off some Badass bird maneuvers involving barrel rolls, dive bombs, and a perimeter sweep where the perimeter was me and the sweep was their bird talons…. Oh and they tried to talon out my eyes again when Carl managed to het a few more of them organized. Carl was far smarter than the Average Pigeon. Thankfully a well timed Omnidirectional Ki blast took care of that, and bonus points… my legs grew back not long after… then I reached the apex of my launch and started flying back to the ground.

Now… I could easily have started flying, even without wings I can fly, though I'm not quite as agile without them… but I opted not to fly… because opportunity came a knocking, and you better believe I answered that damn door. See at this point I noticed that the Ex-Door of the Batmobile was flying not far away from me… and an idea struck like lightning. I telekinetically grabbed the door and maneuvered myself until I stood on it... I then air-surfed back to the streets of Gotham… I was still on fire by the way, but as I was surfing, I hummed the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song. Eventually I came back down… Crashing THROUGH a skyscraper and eventually skidding across the street on my makeshift surfboard… still burning by the way… so that was nice. I tried to leap off all cool like… but all that accomplished was me grinding my exoskeleton coated face across the pavement… also nice.

I got to my flaming feet in a daze… right before I noticed I wasn't alone… Batman started (read Glared) at me.

…

…

"Hi Bats."

…

…

Well… this was awkward…

…

I think he was mad at me for a combination of Grand Theft Auto, Reckless Driving, and possibly as a constant fire hazard… but my mind was far more concerned with the much more pressing issue, that issue being that THE PIGEONS WERE BACK! And they were PISSED!

I proceeded to flail about as the birds pecked and scratched at me, swarming me like demonic birds of Hell itself and tried to stop them as best I could… but FUCKING Carl was aiming for my eyes… and the rest were attacking the parts of me that wasn't on fire. I stopped… dropped… and rolled… It helped put out the fires… mostly, but did so very little against the Pigeons. Which was the main drawback of this particular maneuver on my part, but I didn't really care about all that much because FEATHERED DEATH!

"OW OW OW! MERCY! MERCY! UNCLE! UNCLE! OH GOD IT WAS JUST A FUCKING FINGER! I'M SORRY OK! OW MY FUCKING EYES! FUCK YOU CARL!"

Alas… pigeons are not known for their mercy, and my cries for mercy fell on deaf bird ears. Thankfully some really really really REALLY loud and annoying sound pierced the air and the Pigeons flew off… though Carl got one last scratch in before leaving…. OW! Anyway I turned to see Batman holding… some kind of sonic device that HURT MY EAR HOLES! OUCH!

Thankfully with a flip of the switch the noise faded… but my ears were still ringing. Batman pocketed the device.

"WHY DO YOU HAVE AN ANTI-BIRD SONIC DOOHICKEY THING!"

Batman said something… but I was momentarily struck deaf from the aforementioned Anti-Bird Sonic Doohickey Thing.

"WHAT!"

Mouth movements but no sound.

…

…

"WHAT!"

"The Penguin." I finally heard… barely which actually did answer my bird related question.

…

…

"WHAT!"

But I am me, so I have to act like me. That's just logic right there. However… I guess Batman didn't care, cause he didn't answer again.

"SORRY ABOUT YOUR CAR!"

…

…

Bat Glare ™.

I feel like I dun goofed. 

* * *

…

Fuck Batman.

So you may be wondering… what terrible punishment did Batman have planned for me… for stealing his car and taking it on a Joyriding Bird Massacre… well… I get to be a punching bag.

…

…

For Superboy.

…

…

Fuck Batman.

"Watch the footwork Superboy, it's your body's foundation. Pushing with your feet as you punch lets you generate more power while keeping you mobile and in a position to follow up." Said Black Canary.

"OW!"

I was tied to the walls, as Black Canary stood telling Superboy various punching techniques and whatnot, each and every one of them... "OW!"... Anyway, each and every one of them Superboy proceeded to try out on me. It's not the worst punishment Batman could have done… "OW!" ...but upon learning that it was Batman who thought turning me loose on a prison was his idea, and therefore ended in the destruction of the Batmobile… well I guess he felt responsible… "OW!" ...But that did not help the fact that SUPERBOY PUNCHES LIKE A SEMI TO THE FACE!

"When throwing a straight punch, your hips should engage, rotating toward your assailant. Try again."

Why does Black Canary hate me?

…

…

"OW!"

Anyway, in my state of pain and suffering/annoyance, I had time to think over my life and the decisions that lead me here… but then I got bored thinking about that and started picturing myself as a fighter pilot engaging in a dog fight with a dragon during Fantasy WWII.

"Your shoulders should mirror your hips, don't rely solely on your arm power."

"OW!"

Actually that was good advice. I'll have to remember that when I get into any future Shenanigans. Still, I suppose I could be in worse situations than being tied to the walls and used as a punching bag by a half Kryptonian Hybrid with superhuman strength… and as soon as I think of what that situation is, I'll let you know.

"OW!"

I think after this is over I should go check up on Gizmo, see where he is with hacking the Father Box.

"Alright Superboy, take five." Said Black Canary.

"Thank Mothra."

"Kid Flash, you're up."

"OH COME ON! SUPERSONIC PUNCHES IS A LOW BLOW!"

"No… but this is, Kid Flash, remember what I said about going for the kidneys."

Kid Flash smiled as he cracked his knuckles and took a breath.

"Knock knock Bug boy."

…

…

And after I used the power of Me to teach him to walk through walls.

"Et tu Kid Flash."

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!"

FUCK BATMAN!


	49. Godzilla 101

**Godzilla 101**

Spending an afternoon as a living punching bag changes a bug man… you learn that just because a hero doesn't have superhuman strength, doesn't mean they can't throw a punch… at hypersonic speeds… a hundred times per second… like a punch-y hummingbird or something. Clearly the Wall Man had some issues to work out, and the convenient regenerating bug man was just the tool to do just that. Either way it was over now, which was good. Still… that was not any fun… well I suppose Kid Flash would disagree, but I'd hardly consider him impartial or unbiased in this particular situation… whatever.

Seeing as I literally had nothing better to do, I decided to pay Gizmo a visit to see where he had gotten with the Father Box. So I walked the streets, hands in my pockets as I wandered in the vague direction I assumed his house to be in. I got lost a few times, and there was an incident involving an escaped Circus Lion mauling what turned out to be a Vampire… but seeing as that wasn't my problem, I just watched the chaos. Bonus, apparently Vampires are not immune to Lion Maulings. Still, the increased Vampire activity of the world was slightly worrying… I probably should get on that… maybe release a bunch of Lions into the wild, seeing as Vampires are apparently weak against Lion Claws… or maybe that Vampire just botched his combat roll right before the Lion rolled a Natural 20… I'll have to look into this later.

…

Ok so onto Gizmos place.

It was easy enough to find, mainly due to teleportation that I decided to use as soon as the house was in sight. I mean sure I could have just teleported to begin with, but that would mean missing a Vampire getting mauled by a Lion, so all in all a very good call on my part.

Upon teleporting in the house I found Gizmo on the couch making out with Lazuli.

…

…

…

…

…

Wat!?

Lazuli opened her eyes, which immediately grew wide upon seeing me. Gizmo… still in a daze took a moment to figure out I was even there.

"Wha… why'd you sto...CELL!" He screamed immediately upon seeing me.

…

…

…

We stared at each other in absolute silence. Him looking slightly worried, Lazuli looking pisses, and me… trying to EXTERMINATUS Gizmo where he stood with my mind… which accidentally blew a hole in his wall because my brain is legally classified as a weapon of mass destruction. Lazuli was not amused… and Gizmo was two seconds away from pissing himself.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE!"

…

…

Lazuli blinked at my current state of immobility before turning to look at Gizmo.

"Huh… I think we broke him."

"Must… try… not… to kill… the Midget…"

"Maybe you should just..." Said Gizmo before I interrupted him.

"Impulse… to kill… increasing… DO NOT SPEAK WORDS TO FUEL THE FIRES OF RAGE!"

Lazuli crossed her arms… before she looked at the hole my brain blew in the wall.

"You know you're paying for that right." She said simply.

"Pay… Gizmo… GAH!... NGHRUNK… EH… Calming… down… must… Calm… Rage… Growing… BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD, SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE, MILK FOR THE KHORNE FLAKES!"

Gizmo dove behind the couch. I was producing RAGE in copious, albeit impotent, amounts. I say impotent because Lazuli sighed once, grabbed me by the shoulder… and slammed me face first into the floor at roughly terminal velocity.

...

...

"You're paying for the floor to."

…

…

"Ohkah!" I muffled through the rubble.

"Feel better?" Asked Lazuli.

I gave her a thumbs up.

"Good."

I peeled myself from the ground and spat out linoleum before getting to my feet and brushing off my suit… I smiled at Lazuli and gave her a nod… before turning to Gizmo… who stared back at me in masked abject terror.

Status: Repressing memories

10%...

35.68%...

79.9%...

100%... Memory Suppression Complete.

…

…

"So Gizmo… how goes hacking the Father Box?" I ask with a genuine smile on my face.

…

I don't think he finds my smile very genuine however, as he very carefully got off the couch.

"Umm… Good."

I rose a bug brow, before motioning him to continue… took a moment but he nodded.

"I uh… I had to create a new programming language from scrap to actually do anything."

…

"That Is the second most impressive thing that ever came out of your mouth." I said simply.

"What's the first?" Asked Gizmo… to which Lazuli cleared her throat.

I… actually was referring to Gizmos Top Tier Elementary School Curse Word Vocabulary, which cpuld be startlingly effective, also THANKS LAZULI and Right after I suppressed those memories… but I wasn't going to tell Lazuli that, cause brownie points. Either way Gizmo got the message.

"Oh… OH I mean, yeah. That… heh, I know." He said… nervously, but Lazuli smiled, gave him a nod, and crossed her arms.

Gizmo, now much less terrified, continued.

"I am still in the process of cracking it, but it'll take some more time… and it won't shut up about asking me to deactivate it."

"Yeah, Emo Father Box, not my first choice but I work with what I have. You got an ETA on how long it'll take?"

Gizmo… shrugged.

"Not really, this is some super science way beyond anything I've ever seen, I'm still trying to figure out what I'm looking at, but I can at least see it's raw code… for about ten seconds, there is a lot of it… 2.5 petabytes. It's… a ridiculous amount of stuff to go through. My computer exploded trying to display it all, so I had to improvise, actually… I could probably do it but I would need a really powerful computer just to look at the code for more than ten seconds at a time."

I responded by throwing a wad of cash at Gizmo… hitting him in his face... Really hard and almost knocking him over. Never say I ain't generous. 

* * *

I found myself with free time and decided to Check in on the G-Man. Which brings me to my first point, that being that ANTARCTICA IS FUCKING COLD! Second was that Godzilla had been very VERY busy. Apparently Godzilla had created himself a fuckhuge massive underground Cavern that was much MUCH warmer than the outside. Godzilla rested at the center of the cavern which was nice, what was very interesting however was the small sprouting trees that had started growing around the big Nuclear Lizard. Apparently, just like Godzilla Earth… Composite Godzilla was actively terraforming his surroundings with Godzilla Trees… which was more than a little worrying, so I snatched up a small tree and decided to Bring it to S.T.A.R. Labs. Upon explaining to Sammy what exactly I was holding, and where it came from… well he was very interested to find out. Which didn't take too long. Though his diagnosis was… interesting to say the least.

"IT'S PERFORMING NUCLEAR FUSION!"

Nuclear trees… neat.

"Is that good or bad?"

"Yes!"

I think I'm starting to rub off on the Doc.

"I mean… the bark incorporates heavy metals, including lead which is preventing them from putting out too much radiation, but these trees are effectively self sustaining… I actually think we might need to make a whole new Kingdom for this species, because it's genetics… are terrestrial, but it cannot belong to the Plantae Kingdom."

"Neat."

"It could also threaten every life form on the planet. It would outcompete all known flora with ease."

"Not neat."

"Maybe… I'm thinking an Antarctic Expedition is in order. I could be overreacting, but we need to figure out just how much damage these plants could do."

"I'll fund it. To be honest, I kinda want to have a monopoly in Kaiju based Technology anyway. Mo' money you know."

Who knows… maybe I can get us a Mechagodzilla in a few years/decades.

"I'll assemble a team. It's gonna take months to get everything in order."

"Not necessarily. I'm willing to use my teleportation to speed up the process however I can. Get a real head start over anyone else."

Sammy nodded.

"I'll see who we have on staff. We could probably shave off a few weeks. Maybe start off with drones to probe the area first… Godzilla isn't going to wake up is he?"

"Don't fuck with him, and he probably won't fuck with you."

"Define "Fuck with" cause thats something I would very much like to avoid."

"Do not poke the Lizard with a stick, and you should be fine." 

* * *

I'm a busy little bee these days. I wasn't kidding when I said I wanted to get a head start. The caverns fuckhuge size was much more fuckhuge than I initially thought. I guess it had to be to accommodate a giant 1,000 foot tall behemoth. Either way, while no one was supposed to be there yet, I did manage to get all needed equipment in place and the materials necessary to start building a permanent facility built into the walls of the cavern. Ki blasts make for a hell of a demolition method, really fun to. I blasted myself a fair size tunnel system into the walls as well as a big ass overlook with a bulletproof glass walls to let the brain boys look over the home of the King of the Monsters. All and all, I was proud of my ongoing progress. Also Cell was currently out teleporting generators in and getting shit done, while Other Cell was moving the big ass computers and machinery out of our damn way, the Bugman Currently Known as Cell was doing… something important I'm sure.

"Helipad."

"What?"

"I made a Helipad."

Huh.

"But… it's inside the caves. How the hell is a helicopter supposed to get here?"

"Yeah, I'm thinking well have a big ass blast door on the ceiling that opens up to let choppers in and out."

"Is that in the budget?" I asked.

"I don't know… is it?"

...

"Probably, it does sound cool."

I'm willing to pay extra for cool shit. It makes this whole thing seem more awesome than it already is. Like we're a lair on top of being a scientific facility to overlook the home of THE Kaiju of Kaiju. Some real clandestine shit ya know. Granted that's mostly due to presentation over anything else. Officially we're just a research facility, but we can at least look the part of a secret agency. I mean Cadmus has… had a multiple story underground facility, so one built into the walls of a big ass cavern where a the fucking King of Monsters sleeps is in the same ballpark as far as secret awesome science shit is concerned… of course there was one issue.

"I thought this was supposed to be the greenhouse for the nuclear trees."

"Well… we'll just put it somewhere else." Said The Bugman Currently Known as Cell.

Fair enough.

…

…

You know… this is kinda a reasonable turn of events for me. Setting the foundations for a secret laboratory… It reeks of sanity… hmmm… I mean… All in all, I've managed to keep myself busy. Between Gizmo Gizmoing, Godzilla Studies 101, and training with I-Ching… I'm starting to notice the startling lack of my trademark insanity as of late. I guess the whole Pigeon Massacre/Batmobile escapades was sufficiently insane… but I think I can do better. I just need to apply myself and figure out what my next move could be…. I need some insanity in muh life. 

* * *

I came to a realization that Wonder Woman hadn't really dealt with my branch of madness quite yet, so I decided to show up at Themyscira uninvited for reasons my brain can't come up with the proper justification for. Turns out… the Isle of the Amazons is a startlingly difficult place to actually find, but by the power of tropes, I prevail. I simply set off in a random direction after telling Lapis where I was headed. The idea being that by vocalizing my destination, I would arrive there no matter what I did because by saying I'm going there, the plot will ensure I end up there. Sure maybe I'd get roped in on an adventure of self discovery along the way, and I almost did… but I just decided to blow up those Whale Hunters boat to prevent any possible plot advancement for needless side stories I don't care to take part in right now. They'll be fine. It was only probably shark infested waters. Not definitely shark infested waters… though those whales did look pissed… eh, it's not my problem.

Anyway, it wasn't long after that that I ended up in the beautiful shores of Themyscira… where I was immediately ambushed. Surrounded on all sides by gorgeous women with spears, bows, swords, and other possibly mystical weapons. They stared at me with mild confusion and trepidation. Probably wondering where a giant Bug wearing a suit came from and what it was doing here smiling back at them and giving them a nice wave.

"Hello! I'm Cell, I'm here is annoy Diana."

Not the best icebreaker but whatev's.

"Who…. What are you!?" Asked Amazonian #135

"I am a transdimensionally displaced humanoid bug man cyborg, or a beetleborg if you will. I hail from a dimension where dinosaurs never went extinct on an Earth that is home to Alien Monkeys, Alien Demon Slugs, Magical Gods who live either on a platform suspended above the sky upon a single pillar or hyper dense planetoids, an odd Afterlife, Kung Fu Wizardry, and bubblegum humanoids"

They all shot each other confused looks. Which was a win in my book.

"What!?" Asked Amazonian #034

"You asked." I said shrugging.

It was at this point I saw Wonder Woman make her way to the beach, already looking annoyed at my presence.

"What are you doing here Cell?" She asked with a sigh.

"I have come… to annoy you!"

Best to be honest with people. Makes for a good working environment where everyone's goals are crystal clear.

"Congratulations, Mission Accomplished. I am very annoyed, now off you go."

"Wow that was easy, see you around Diana." I said with a wave as I flew off into the horizon pleased with myself.

I feel better with my….

…

Wait a Goddamn minute.

…

…

Oh, she's good.

I turned my green carapaced ass around and flew right back to Themyscira.

"Hi Cell." Said Wonder Woman as she passed me up going in the opposite direction.

"Can't talk Diana., going annoy Wonder Woman" I said as I continued on my way towards Themyscira.

I heard Diana shoot back witu a 'Good Luck' which was sweet of her to say. I should get her something nice.

Upon landing I was once again surrounded. Which I probably should have expected.

"Sorry, I just…. Oh."

…

Oh She is Good.

…

…

Of course I hope she realizes this means War.


	50. MAD SCIENCE!

**MAD SCIENCE!**

Betelgeuse cackled as the storms above raged against the blasphemous mad science of the Ghost with the Most, who currently wore an old Lab Coat over his usual black and white pinstripe suit. The machinery roared to life as gears began to spin and turn. Arcing lightning sang as it was shunted into the corpse below, who twitched as it roared in lament of its new un-life.

"IT'S ALIVE!" Screamed Betelgeuse.

"Congratulations, Dr. Frankenstein would be sickened." Said Mary, bored as she read from a Gothic Fashion magazine.

Betelgeuse shrugged.

"Eh, so he got a few sanity points after making his own little abomination. He just couldn't see the vast uses of a soulless abomination. Speaking of which , HEY RED GUY!"

Sinestro walked through the walls, looking as bored as ever. He sighed as he hovered over to Betelgeuse, with a look that clearly said 'I don't want to be here right now'.

"Yes, what is it now Betelgeuse?"

"Check it out." Said Betelgeuse as he pointed to the stitched together hulking brute.

Sinestro rose a ghostly brow as the creature struggled against its restraints… right before his eyes widened in recognition of just what he was seeing.

"Is that… me?"

Indeed, the stitches and patchwork skin color aside, the beast looked just like Sinestro, in fact... The creatures head WAS his head, more or less... Mostly less.

"Yeah, well... Some of it is, most of your old body was vaporized, buuuuut well turns out a few bits remained, found some skull fragments to, looks like that bullet took a good chunk of your damn head off, got some of your ear and most of your face. Had to improvise on the rest of the face and the other ear, I did supplement it with parts in the graveyard. Best part is… the damn thing is soulless."

"Soulless you say?" Asked Sinestro with a smile.

"Wanna rectify that? You could use some practice at possession."

Sinestro removed his ring, placing it next to the monster that struggled against its restraints, right before he dissipated into ethereal smoke and began to flow into the beasts mouth. Who seized in pain as its body crackled with electricity and flowing ectoplasm.

Mary lowered her magazine as she watched the beast cease its movements. Betelgeuse snapped his fingers, causing the restraints to undo themselves. The Beast remained motionless… right before the yellow ring lifted off the ground and fit itself on the creatures finger… then it's mismatched eyes opened.

* * *

Being filthy rich has certain advantages for both the aspiring and the master troll. Which is why I was currently piloting a Northrop B-2 Spirit stealth bomber heading towards Themyscira. Because when engaging in Troll War against a counter troll… price was no object. Sure it cost a METRIC FUCKTON to acquire a Northrop B-2 Spirit Stealth Bomber… but I was willing to pay out. Granted it made quote the dent in my finances… but let's be honest here, owning a Northrop B-2 Spirit Stealth Bomber was more than worth it… I should also mention that Because I am me… I christened my ship the Angry Scuttlebutt, again because I am me. Perfectly valid justification for the name Angry Scuttlebutt if I do say so myself.

As I neared the shores of Themyscira I prepared to drop my payload. An assortment of items all of it ready to be parachuted in at the press of a button. Now you may be asking yourself, what was I delivering to the Amazons of Themyscira? Well these items included several hundred Censored copies of 50 Shades of Grey, 1000 Amazon (lol) gift cards worth 5$ each, 300 DVD burns of the Futurama episode "Amazon Women in the Mood", and also Stuffed Teddy Bears all named Bear Grylls, though that was just because they came free with the shipment… I kept one for myself, obviously, but I doubted I needed 1,264 extra Teddy Bears… and yes, every bear had a tiny bottle with yellow dyed stuffing to look like urine… which is why they are all named Bear Grylls. It's cute though cause if you squeeze one it either says "This is a great source of protein." Or "Better drink my own piss." Truly the Meme Gods smiled down upon me to find Teddy Bear Grylls.

I pulled the lever, and air dropped my cargo. Dozens of crates the size of cars fell to the ground to the unsuspecting masses below. With my dirty deed done, I happily left the Isle behind me patting myself on the back for a Job Well Done.

…

…

Huh… It appears there was a glaring flaw in my plan.

…

…

How does one land a Stealth Bomber named 'The Angry Scuttlebutt'?

* * *

Sinestro allowed the damaged ring to _Hover_ over his patchwork hand as lightning coursed through it. His eyes set intensely as he discharged more and more of the Alchemical Lightning that coursed through his now undead body, then the ring slipped back into his finger. He rose his fist as it pulsed with Yellow Lightning If one looked at the electricity just right, screaming faces could be seen in the sparks.

_"Yellow Lantern Ring at 5.64% Charge. Warning structural damage detected, Max Charge reached."_

Sinestro clenched his fist.

"Excellent." Said Sinestro.

"Doesn't sound like a whole lot?" Asked Betelgeuse.

In response Sinestro created multiple identical _constructs_. All looking exactly like him. First there were _several_, then a _dozen_, then a _hundred_. Betelgeuse looked at each one who stood to attention.

_"Yellow Lantern Ring at 5.64% Charge. Warning structural damage detected, Max Charge reached."_

"The charge remains. I added a feature to transform alchemical lightning into _Fear_. The amount of power the ring holds is irrelevant now."

"Sounds good to me. I think we're just about ready. Maybe a few more Stitches for the ghosts." Said Betelgeuse.

It was at this point that Lar-On entered the room, crawling on the walls and ceilings while growing. Betelgeuse watched the Kryptonian werewolf as it fell to the ground, growling at a nearby window.

"Huh, that's weird." Said Betelgeuse.

"Perhaps… we have visitors." Said Sinestro as the lightning above struck the hillside, revealing two silhouettes in the distance walking towards the Castle.

"Well then, lets go greet them." Said Betelgeuse with a smile.

* * *

So after walking out of the blazing Inferno that was once the Angry Scuttlebutt, I found myself in the Himalayas. Thankfully I had sprung extra for a fireproof suit, so I still remained impeccably dressed… then The Angry Scuttlebutt exploded flying off into the sky before landing… somewhere… well that was 2.1 Billion dollars well spent.

Anyway ignoring that I decided to tour the beautiful Himalayas… not as cold as Antarctica, but still really freaking cold…but.. eh, you've seen one snow-covered mountain, you've seen them all. Still it was a nice place the snow was nice to look at, the rocks peeking through the snow gave it some character, and the Abominable Snowman barreling towards me with rage in his eyes was cool looking and my blood now all over the place really gave the environment some color.

…

…

Wait…

…

Am I being pummeled by an Abominable Snowman?

"_GRAAAAAAAAH_!"

…

…

Yep.

* * *

Betelgeuse stood over the courtyard with one hand in his pocket, and the other lazily holding the Spear of Destiny over his shoulder. Sinestro to his left and Queen Mary to his right with Lar-On crouching in front of him, growling at the two figures who approached. Betelgeuse then looked at the assembled army of Vampires, Ghosts, Werewolves, Demons, Undead Soldiers, Human Thralls, and figured that the newest 'guests' of the hour really didn't have a chance in Hell…. Then he saw who they were…. And smiled mischievously. The towering figure, a ghastly stitched together walking corpse… along with his undead four armed Ex-Wife.

"Sup Frank. How can our little Horror Show help you?"

The towering form of the original Frankenstein Monster, wielding a massive Bastard Sword with one hand glared at Betelgeuse. Next to him stood the Bride, a green skinned stitched up Bombshell (As far as Betelgeuse was concerned) with two additional arms. Betelgeuse gave the Bride a once over… maybe twice, she was viscerally horrifying to behold, but with an odd sensuality as far as a walking corpse goes. Then Betelgeuse looked back to the sword in the massive hands of Frankenstein, who took a step forward.

"Whispers of your plans have reached far beyond these lands Specter." Said the Frankenstein Monster.

"None of them good." Said the sexy sassy undead lassy as she observed Sinestro.

"What? This guy?" Said Betelgeuse motioning to Sinestro. "He's just a bit of your extended family. There is always room for more if you two are looking to join. Say Bride, you two are divorced right? Cause I'm married right now, but I'll convert to Mormonism for you babes." Asked Betelgeuse.

Queen Mary glared at Betelgeuse before rolling her eyes while the Bride merely narrowed her own.

"We cannot allow you to finish Victor's Work." Said the Frankenstein Monster as he hefted his sword prepared to strike.

Betelgeuse looked at the sword… and responded by taking his hand out of his pocket and maneuvering the Spear of Destiny into a position as if it were a walking stick.

"So where did a corpse like you get a sword like that Frank?"

In response the massive Bastard Sword lit with holy fire.

"The Sword of the Archangel Michael. I am a machine of war sent to protect mankind from the likes of you Specter."

Betelgeuse whistled impressed.

"Not bad, but…" said Betelgeuse before he disappeared.

…

Only to reappear before the Frankenstein Monster to thrust the Spear of Destiny into its heart. The monster easily parried the spear as he took a step back as the Bride reached into her dress to pull out four pistols, one for each arm.

Betelgeuse laughed as the blessed bullets harmlessly passed through him.

"Sorry babes, but I'm a Ghost, not a demon." He said before cackling maniacally and sweeping the Spear, sending an ethereal blade of Holy Fire from his arcing spear.

Lady Frankenstein ducked below the Holy Blade as Frankenstein charged Betelgeuse, who just barely managed to avoid an over head slash, as the Holy Sword sank into the ground Betelgeuse laughed, ready to strike with the Spear… right before the Blade of Michael ripped through the earth like butter headed towards his head.

"Wha…" was as Far as Betelgeuse got before his head flew off.

The Poltergeists body fell as the head was sent screaming in the distance. Frankenstein then prepared for the army of horrors… only to see the assembled Demons and Nightmares only stood watching and waiting.

His confusion didn't last long however as the floating head of Betelgeuse flew from the forest.

"Hey Frank, check it out… I lost weight." Said the floating disembodied head before he cackled.

Frankenstein narrowed his eyes as the Bride started shooting the head… only managing to hit a Werewolf behind it that… appeared to be bulletproof.

"Geez, don't lose your heads." Said Betelgeuse as his headless body rose to snatch the disembodied head and reattach it.

Bones cracked as he spun his head back on like a screw.

"There we go, you know what Frank. I gotta thank ya, I never thought I'd get rid of that stiff neck… heh, get it. Stiff, cause you call dead bodies a stiff and… ah, it ain't funny If I gotta explain it." Said Betelgeuse before his body stretched and morphed.

Then a rattling cut through the silence.

Betelgeuse flicked his serpentine tongue as he shifted into a massive Black and White rattlesnake with a monstrous version of his own head.

"Round 2." Hissed Betelgeuse as he struck towards Frankenstein, who responded with a thrust if Michael's Sword. Only for the serpent to coil and twist around the blade to circle Frankenstein and construct him. The Frankenstein Monster roared as his bones snapped and popped… right before the Bride leapt in, wrapping all four arms around Betelgeuse's neck. As she squeezed, both her and Frankenstein crackled with Alchemical Lightning, and Betelgeuse grunted as volts coursed through his body.

"OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OWW!" He screamed as the lightning threw him off the Frankenstein Monster, forcing him to shift back to normal, he would have crashed through the Castle... until he froze mid air. He brushed off his suit looking back at the undead duo.

"You know… that hurt." He said as he slowly flew back to the ground. The Spear of Destiny hovering back to his hand.

He looked from Frankenstein before looking to the Bride….'s ass. She noticed and charged forward, with lightning coursing through her body. Frankenstein however… was much more focused on the monsters that surrounded them, not one had moved, and they just continued to watch. Something about this felt… wrong. He was drawn from his thoughts however when Betelgeuse did something… odd.

As the Bride neared, he reached out to grasp at nothing… before pulling down, revealing…. A zipper that wasn't there before. As the zipper parted Frankenstein's eyes widened. On the other side of the zipper was a hellscape of tiny impish demons which came spilling out. Their numbers covered the courtyard as they leapt onto the Bride. Frankenstein wasted no time as he swung his blade banishing demons as the blade cut them. The Bride, still holding onto her holy guns managed to shoot a few back to hell, but their numbers were too great and both Frankenstein and the Bride were soon enveloped by giggling demonlings that bit and clawed at their rotten skin.

With the last of his strength however, Frankenstein lifted his blade, and summoned the Holy fires of Hellbane, which became a blazing inferno of golden fire that extended from him. It banished all in its path and neared the surrounding horrors who continued to watch… only for the fires to stop at a massive _Yellow Dome_ that had appeared out of nowhere. Frankenstein's eyes widened… right before he was enveloped in _Yellow Light__,_ rendering him immovable. The Demonlings now gone, the Bride managed to observe her surroundings and looked to Sinestro, who stared back before a second_Tendril of Fear_shot off towards her, still surrounded by Horrors who had yet to move, only watching the fight, she found herself _enveloped and immobile__,_ much like her Ex-Husband.

"Betcha didn't expect a Yellow Lantern here huh?" Said Betelgeuse before he snapped his fingers, causing the world to melt around him until Frankenstein and the Bride found themselves strapped to two chairs surrounded by Betelgeuse, Queen Mary, Sinestro, and Lar-On.

"Foul Creature." Spat Frankenstein. "...You can't even fight your own battles, relying on trickery and deceit."

Betelgeuse rolled his eyes.

"Please, I know what you're trying to do, but I am not stupid. I ain't got no honor to insult bub... Well no martial honor at least."

"You don't know what you're doing. Meddling in forces far beyond your understanding." Said The Bride.

"True… but I got a good enough idea, and we're going balls deep with this plan."

Frankenstein raged against his bonds, only to find it futile as his _Bonds_strengthened.

"They are fascinating creatures." Said Queen Mary as she took the Frankenstein's Monster's face in her hands to turn it and observe the undead abomination.

"Get your hands off me." Said Frankenstein as he jerked his head back from her grasp.

Mary did, but she smiled as she put her hands behind her back, assuming a regal pose. She turned to Betelgeuse.

"Do as you must." She said before leaving.

Betelgeuse smiled, and cracked his fingers.

"Science time!" He said pulling out a car battery, jumper cables, and a bone saw from behind his back.

* * *

The Abominable Snowman is a savage albeit fascinating creature… especially unconscious. Sure it pummeled me good… but again, I am Cell so as soon we established that I am very good at NOT dying, I tapped it on the head… which cratered him into the ground… at roughly terminal velocity, but the Snowman looked more or less alive with a big ass knot on its head.

…

I'm gonna take him to S.T.A.R. Labs.

* * *

_A/N: _If you're wondering why so many chapters in a row, well my computer was away for repairs. I continued to post over on Spacebattles until it came back today. It's easy to post using a phone on that site, not so much for Fanfic . net, This is the progress I have made over there.


	51. Fashion Disaster

**Fashion Disaster**

I teleported into Sammy's little wing of S.T.A.R. Labs, where he was currently in the process of going through files of people qualified for the Antarctic expedition to Godzillas lair. Of course that all changed when he looked over to me… and the Abominable Snowman hanging limp over my shoulder. Sammy blinked once… twice… three times… before he put his pen down… and slowly got up to his feet… and blinked again.

"... Is that… a yeti?"

"I've been calling it an Abominable Snowman." I said cheerfully.

…

…

"I… where… no… you know what, I'm not going to ask."

"It involves a now wrecked 2.1 Billion dollar stealth bomber."

"Of course it does…. Wait… did you say... Billion?"

"Yep."

…

…

"How?"

"I used my money to buy more money."

"That's not... I… nevermind."

He's learning.

Either way I put the Abominable Snowman onto a nearby table. It kinda did look like a white monkey man, so that was cool, but regardless of all that I still had more shenanigans to do to Wonder Woman, after all she did initiate war. It's only right to respond in kind. I prepared to head on out and let the Sam-Man do what he do… when suddenly and rather unexpectedly… it started to snow… inside.

…

…

"That's…. Interesting." Said Sammy.

"Maybe you should tranquilize the Iceman first Doc."

He was inclined to agree with my brilliant idea. So after Sammy put Mr. Winter under anesthesia, which did cause the snow to stop…. Snowing. That over and done with, I set out to continue the good (bad) fight (trollin') against everyone's favorite Amazon warrior, but first… I need a change of clothes… it was HERESY! time. 

* * *

Wonder Woman was… not having the most fun of days today. Upon getting word from Themyscira that an unexpected aircraft air dropped random crap on the island, things took a turn for the hectic. Sure the Amazon gift cards were nice, albeit somewhat pun-ish, and the Teddy Bears were cute… if somewhat odd, a problem easily fixed by disabling the electronic voice box, but everything else was… well it was very Cell. He really did go above and beyond for the sake of annoying others, if he could just use the energy of his for more… noble pursuits he'd probably be a force to be reckoned with.

That said the many Censored copies of 50 Shades of Grey had both annoyed and intrigued many an Amazon, who by reading the parts of the book that weren't censored… made it absolutely clear what was going on, and some of the younger warriors started to get ideas that probably weren't all that healthy for those endowed with super human strength.

That cartoon however was just tasteless.

Add to that the sense of unease after a military aircraft decided to fly over Themyscira, and you have a recipe for paranoia. After all, what if it was a bomb they dropped. So currently that was being discussed, but Diana was somewhat lost to the current politics, her mind began to wander as she thought on her current issue…. Cell.

Clearly just ignoring and avoiding him wasn't going to work. His antics seem to increase proportionately to how much you try to ignore him. Hence the stealth bomber. Likewise talking to him wouldn't work as he has a tendency to use words in annoying others into submission. Usually with non sequiturs and inane babbling… didn't help that at times the insane things he said turned out to be true. Which meant listening to him was a wise, albeit Herculean exercise in Saintly patience. Maybe it would be best to just…

"FASHION CANNON!"

…

… 

* * *

I teleported into what looked to be a serious discussion between the Amazonians about... Probably me, I tend to leave an impression on people. They didn't immediately notice my presence, as I did teleport just outside of the proceedings, but I had prepared.

I was wearing the uniform of a Warhammer 40K Commissar… complete with gloves, jack boots, fancy hat (which actually FIT my head somehow resting between my horns) and the red leather greatcoat of the Commissar included of course. In my pimptastic getup now standing regal and fabulous, I pointed at Wonder Woman and screamed my favorite spell.

"FASHION CANNON!"

Wonder Woman now found herself dressed as a Sister of Battle. Complete with (purely cosmetic) power armor, purity seals, and other assorted sexy goodness. I leapt in the middle of the now halted discussions as Amazonian warriors attempted to surround me. The fools.

"FASHION CANNON! FASHION CANNON! FASHION CANNON! FASHION CANNON! FASHION CANNON!"

Now surrounded by an army of Sisters of Battle in various stages of kick ass sexy and badass. I nodded approvingly and brandished my modified Nerf gun that looked like a Bolter Pistol with a dignified pose. Truly these Amazonians were ready to fight in the name of the Emperor.

"COME MY BOLTER BITCHES, TO ARMS!?"

…

…

The resulting beat down I received, while deserved... was more than worth it.

Meanwhile an immaterial fae being watched and grinned, before it released a singsong laughing upon the wind. 

* * *

Interesting tidbit of information... Amazonians are very very VERY good at restraining super strong dudes, I say this because I don't know what these chains that bind me are made of... But they're plenty strong enough that thus far all my attempts to break them were by and large about as futile as resisting Borg assimilation post getting stabbed by their nanite needles of Upgrading. My guess was there was sorcery afoot preventing me from just pulling a Hollywood Hulk Hogan and flexing so hard I turn the chains into scrap metal, but thems the breaks. That's fine though, I can deal with that... Yep... Just sit and wait patiently for someone to come along... I can be patient... I can deal... I can't deal... I CAN'T FUCKING DEAL! I have been tied up for TWO FUCKING HOURS now and NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING ONE has come to check up on me yet and my only company is A GODDAMN ROCK.

...

...

Incidentally I named him Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and used my toe claws to carve a little face onto him.

"What do you think is taking them so long Dwayne?"

...

"Yeah, I agree they're probably just trying to psyche me out."

...

"No I don't smell what you're cooking."

...

"I do like Hotdogs."

...

"The works, mustard, relish, sauerkraut, and chilli."

...

"Oh good point Dwayne. Put mayo on there to."

...

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE OUT OF CHILLI!"

...

"Fine... But I'm going to be eating under protest."

...

"If it gets that bad we'll just open up several cans of Whup' ass in its general direction until we can acquire chilli."

...

...

I think I might be losing it.

Well my steadily increasing insanity aside, at least Dwayne was a good conversationalist if nothing else. A bit too talkative for my tastes, but nobody's perfect... Except for me after NOM-ing Lapis and Lazuli, but that's besides the point... Still, I shall have my vengeance. These Amazonians don't know of the golden rule, a rule I am more than happy to educate them on... Don't piss off a commissar. Ever... Until then I need to find a way to amuse myself... At first I began to muse. I thought of the nature of the human condition, The wonders in the cosmos, and whether or not that Bitch ever moved out of Ludacris's way. I doubt she did, I mean if it was as simple as that Ludacris probably wouldn't have had to make the song in the first place... I like to think that somewhere out there... There is an immovable bitch refusing to get out of anyones way, no matter how catchy a song about their immovable nature becomes... I must find this bitch... And study her for possible momentum cancelling technology. Don't you move an inch bitch, cause I'm coming for you... And I'm bored again...

...

I am now Blue Cell... Teal Cell... Magenta Cell... Periwinkle Cell...

...

... 

* * *

"What is he doing?" Asked Queen Hippolyta.

Currently, the Queen of the Amazons looked over the balcony overlooking the dungeons next to her daughter Wonder Woman as they watched Cell continue to change colors while giggling to himself.

"Who knows. He's… not right in the head." said Wonder Woman.

"He's a menace."

"He's mostly harmless, just...Cell, he's very Cell."

Hippolyta rose a brow at her daughters… odd choice of words. In response, Diana who was far FAR more used to Cells antics, only shrugged.

"I see." Said Hippolyta.

"HEY ARE YOU TWO UP THERE TALKING ABOUT ME!"

Hippolyta blinked once before looking to Diana.

"He has enhanced hearing."

"I CAN HEAR IN GLORIOUS HIGH DEFINITION STEREO! YOUR HEARTBEATS JUST QUICKENED!"

"Full of surprises I see." Said Hippolyta.

"I ALSO LACK A PENIS! SO YOU AREN'T USING SNU-SNU TO KILL ME! NO MA'AM!"

"Vulgar as well."

"SHIT, PISS, FUCK, CUNT, COCKSUCKER, MOTHERFUCKER, TITS! ALSO FART, TURD, AND TWAT TO SINCE WE'RE DISCUSSING IT!"

Hippolyta rubbed her forehead and sighed.

"How well can he heal?" She asked Diana.

"Very well. Batman believes it's borderline impossible to permanently kill him at this point. Something about having too many discarded body parts all over the world. He apparently can pick and choose which of said body part he regenerates from."

"Unfortunate."

"Mother!"

"He has insulted and belittled us as a whole. He deserves punishment."

"I INSULT AND BELITTLE EVERYONE! NOT JUST YOU GUYS... GIRLS... WHATEVER. ALSO I'M NOT INTO BDSM! ACTUALLY I'M NOT INTO ANYTHING! YOU'RE ALL JUST ANOTHER UGLY BIPEDAL HOMINID TO ME!"

"Charming. Like I needed ANOTHER reminder of that damn book." Said Hippolyta with a sigh.

"Cassandra seemed to like it." Said Wonder Woman with a shrug.

...

"The only saving grace was it was censored."

"CENSORED COPIES OF 50 SHADES OF GREY SEEMED LIKE A GOOD METHOD OF CLAM JAMMING!"

"Wha…"

"IT'S THE FEMALE VERSION OF COCKBLOCKING!"

…

…

"Punishment is definitely warranted." Said Hippolyta.

"What did you have in mind?" Asked Wonder Woman.

Hippolyta hummed to herself as she thought on it… before she nodded.

"Hades owes me a favor."

…

…

"SAY! IS THIS BRO TIER HADES OR ASSHOLE DEVIL HADES!?"

It was at this point the room became unnaturally cold… and a small child appeared in the room… with candle wax covering the top of his head.

"Hello Hippolyta, you called me!?

"Uncle Hades!"Squeed Diana.

…

Before she hugged the God of the dead.

…

...

Bro Tier it is then.


End file.
